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No. 43417
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Most of my problems and inconveniences in life were just solved by me not appearing somewhere ever again, not talking to someone ever again, or just going away. I don't want to go to school? Just not go there and wait in the local library until school is over! Don't want to go to the afternoon care after school? Just not go there and go straight home instead! I don't want to be in a hospital and leaving it would mean a lot of bureaucracy, that I don't want to deal with? Just wait until they allow me to go home and never return again! Have problems with a certain person? Just disappear for long enough, until they forget about me! The list goes on ad infinitum, but I think you get the point. I feel like this thought pattern of just disappearing whenever I don't want something anymore, has made me decisively a coward and shaped me as a person. You probably think reading this, why nobody ever bothered to set bounds to this behavior. The answer probably is, that when I was a child, and people actually cared, I just disappeared for long enough until they didn't, and now as a more or less adult person, the people just don't care anymore enough to prevent me from doing it.
As good as this might have worked for me, I am still ashamed of myself and I wish to better myself. I don't want to be a coward, but in a sense, the life as a Hikki-NEET is also just being a coward, everything about my existence is and I probably reached a point in life, where nobody cares about me anymore (in any sense of word) and therefor I don't have to run away anymore. I am free now, but at the cost of being a coward forever, because I have no opportunity to change. Of course, I could just make myself the opportunity, like getting into education again, like doing something hard, like meeting new people, but I have fantasized about those things for years and I never made it happen, so I doubt I change my ways any time soon.
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