I think the main thing I've lost is energy. I always feel like if I had more of it I could get what I want done but I'm always exhausted and drained.

Another perspective: for many, it's isolation and rejection from the social ingroup that forces them to seek out novel ideas. You can see many people of "high IQ" people that nonetheless don't actually question what they're being told or experience, and thus never exercise those faculties of reasoning. They also can be sufficiently "distracted" by social chitchat so they never bother developing curiosity, never develop the skill of talking to themselves and analyzing things in detail.

As one example, the idea of "rubber duck debugging" in programming always seemed trivially stupid to me, because I couldn't imagine someone _not_ knowing how to think things through by themselves and needing to actually talk out loud to a physical object. Then later on I came to realize that indeed not everyone has this skill, some people (possibly overlapping with extroverts) quite literally cannot introspect and their main mode of deep thinking is external dialogue (with others) as opposed to internal dialogue (with yourself).

So I think it's a wash. Long term depression and isolation without sufficient interesting stimulus to keep you engaged is probably bad. Rejection from the social ingroup is probably beneficial since the skills to cope with loneliness are similar to the skills needed to introspect, which are good for reasoning.

>>30018
>slightly above 80
There's no way your IQ is that, you wouldn't have been able to send a post like the one you sent.

Retake the test elsewhere, your psychiatrist didn't know what they were doing

>>30020
Makes me wonder, you know how people claim to already feel old at 30?
How much of that is purely physiological and how much is psychosomatic (feeling chronically bored, underappreciated, abandoned, disappointed)?
My guess is that the ratio could be as high as 10-90

>>30021
>Long term depression and isolation without sufficient interesting stimulus to keep you engaged is probably bad. Rejection from the social ingroup is probably beneficial since the skills to cope with loneliness are similar to the skills needed to introspect, which are good for reasoning.
I guess, yeah.

But I wonder how many introverts have potentially bright minds that never get the chance to shine, just because they get zero or little appreciation from the rest of the world, which of course is terrible for morale.

Not to mention that sometimes you found out about a new interesting idea, approach or opportunity through your social network specifically. No social network means no fresh air is breathed into your life

>>30008
That seems pointless from a legal perspective, I doubt anything material happened on a weekend? If they didn't actually need to shut down, then did they use this as some form of huge A/B test to see how interwoven they've become?

>>30004
>there is no excuse for guns at all except to wage wars

Are you going to use karate if you ever come across a bear?
Bow and arrows to hunt deer?

Arguing about guns is a political topic.

>>30012
you're beginning to see, t-c!

>>29993
This might become a little more understandable once you assume that quite a lot of (most?) people on internet are insecure.

I'm tired of American phone kids and ESLs I wish everyone under 30 would die instantly.

>>30005
ESL simply means you aren't a native speaker. It doesn't necessarily mean your mastery of the language is poor. One of my best friends is ESL and almost never makes a mistake while speaking.
The folks you have in mind are best defined as "painfully underschooled"

>>29993
>>29994
For certain. So many internet fights are just people venting the anger and bitterness from wrongs and awkward situations dating from many years ago.

An exception is social networks... over there you may be effectively communicating versus the world with your real name or a persona you are very fond of. So while posturing is still pathetic in general, it makes slightly more sense there.

But posturing in an anonymous discussion is so illogical it's almost funny. Almost

>>30005
What did they do to you?

>>29951
This phrase is not intimidating to me. After years of running from and years of facing reality I learned that both ways are equally bad. There is no gain in accepting reality, nor does it reduce your suffering in any way. Running is more comfortable at the moment. No consequence of ignoring reality is worse than the reality itself.

>>29953
>There is no gain in accepting reality

If you stop being in denial about your hunger you will eat food and survive.
If you don't, you will starve.
There's clearly a difference.

That's just one example among many

>>29954
>If you stop being in denial about your hunger you will eat food and survive.
But the difference will be NULL

I still want to babble but suddenly lately I've gained some ability not to post. It feels like beating myself, but still it's so much better than what was before. Maybe I'm actually recovering? But the previous bout of depression and at least two fits of anxiety had me crawling on the ceiling not so long ago. But... but what? I'm babbling. I feel so lightheaded. It's really cool. I wonder if the next blow kills me. We'll see. What if I finally make peace with my worthlessness? Would be great. What's left is to morph it correctly. Consciousness doesn't like being worthless so you have to give it another name. I need to somehow separate it completely. Once I completely abandon the idea of being human I'll be complete and free! I wish I have enough time to achieve it. Enough strength. Enough wit.

OP here again to give an update after a year because I've seen anons here saying they like reading those, but before that, I want to expand on this point
>I'm esl as you can tell and I'll never be good at English...
I wrote this while I was distraught and couldn't sleep late at night. This whole post is embarrassing to read. It's easier for me to post something short and simple because I know I'm likely to be ignored, dismissed or even ridiculed if I make a mistake. It's sad but understandable why people wouldn't want to engage with an ESL (not to mention the cultural barrier). My English level changes depending on the weather but at least I try (I wish I had saved the password to it). There wasn't much content in my native language on the internet when I was younger so I had to ¨learn¨ English to have fun in it.

The problem is that I was too cowardly to put myself out there and make international internet friends or be part of a real, non-anonymous community online (including forums). Knowing I wouldn't be accepted for who I am made me stick with anonymity for better or worse; I definitely learned a lot from the tough love anons gave me over the years. I'd like to get a proper international English certificate eventually, the one I have is good enough for me to work as a teacher/tutor here but I'm a fraud, obviously. It's the only skill I have that prevents people from underestimating me after they learn that I'm a neet. Ultimately, it's a ¨skill issue¨ on my part, both intellectually and emotionally so I'll try harder.

I did manage to land 2 different part time j*bs working on the weekends in the middle of the year but now I'm back to neeting until next year; I'm planning to go all out by gaining more qualifications and saving/investing money while living a frugal lifestyle wageslaving... My hiki days are over, getting a job felt like waking up from a long dream, I had forgotten what the city looked like and a lot of small things and buildings changed, it felt unreal at first. Even now, as a neet, I'm forcing myself to stay active. Don't want to go into detail or blame my parents for everything like an angsty teenager but I realized they've been sabotaging me and making me depen

Message too long. Click here to view the full text.

>>28883
Ibs absolutely are a sorry excuse for real social interaction or for enlightened meditation. But for me at least they have provided a lot of value, if I'm intensly browsing ibs it likely means that I'm in a very difficult part of my life.
For me simply being seen helps a lot, being seen without consequence. I can say things here and elsewhere on other boards I'd never be able to say to family or my few friends, or in any setting where I have an alias attached that I care about.
But even when the content of my posting isn't so intensely offputting or challenging in a different social setting due to the nature of decorum or my own web of social misgivings, being able to speak freely in places like this on any topic helps. I can bounce an idea or a thought out into the vacous chamber of an imageboard and it will have no consequence on my life unless I choose to integrate a response into my life myself. That's a wonderful thing.
But really, we shouldn't be using these places as a replacement for family or social interaction if social interaction is something that one desires.
All said, thankyou to every anon that has ever replied to me or read any of my posts, good or bad, annoying or lovely, thankyou.

I sometimes get a very peculiar feeling when sitting on tohno chan. Imagine. 8 billions of meat sacks. 8 billions. Of them, how many have even seen tohno chan once? 1000? 2000? 5000? And how many ended up posting? 100? 150? How many remain? 5? 10? The world is so crowded and empty at the same time I often find myself suppressing panic.

>>28528
I'm afraid I cannot agree with this fellow anon from 2 years ago.

I think things are beautiful when they can actually last for a long time.

Doesn't have to be forever.

Just a decently long amount of time.

>>29904
>How did you achieve such a state?
Whatever do you mean. "I" did not "achieve" anything.
>those are pretty easy to drop
What makes you think that? Did you ever have one and truly believed it?
>I'm referring to the minute day-to-day stuff
These have nothing to do with me. These are impulses intercepted and acted upon by the carrier. I can only look at it and sometimes yell at the top of my lungs in hope it will prevent him from fucking up completely, because whatever pain he feels, I feel it too, and it is even more painful to me because it does not make sense to me and I don't understand its source or nature.
>The only way to avoid it entirely would be to just sit doing nothing
The only way to avoid that would be to take your pills, but I don't care for pills. I don't trust them anyway.
>>29905
>I think everyone has desires.
Everyone who is a person.

>>29906
>"I" did not "achieve" anything.
Unless you woke up one day suddenly and spontaneously thrust into the egoless state, or were born that way, there was by necessity some precipitating event (or deliberate process). But I honestly can't tell what's going on from your post. Since you mentioned pills (which is not at all what i was referring to, I was referring to systematic meditation to first develop awareness of the underlying cognitive processes which you seem to have already done, then ultimately dissolving those distinctions [non-dual state, samadhi, etc.]) I'm guessing it's something like depersonalization?

I don't know how the two are related, but in all spiritual traditions I'm familiar with, "accidental ego death" (e.g. drug induced, or simply just doing advanced techniques without the right preparation) before you learn to trace the source of and deal with your emotions usually ends up causing more instability. Something for me to read up on I suppose.


(Also the way "I" is always scare-quoted in discussion of introspection and dissection of the mind into its constituent observer always annoyed me. Like the trope of some "guru" saying "this is not a chair, merely a collection of atoms which we refer to as a chair." Some people also take that too far and vow never to use the word "I" or something, and they invariably just substitute another term like "this bodymind" in communication... which is exactly what the first-person pronoun refers to anyway.)

>>29902
>>29906
>I dislike questions like this, OP.
The question wasn't addressed to you personally. If you don't like it then you shouldn't have posted in this thread. This "nothing can affect me because I have achieved ego death" attitude is pathetic and narcissistic, it's nothing more than a front to hide your insecurities. And it's ultimately false and hypocritical because if you had no sense of self and ego then you wouldn't have posted in this thread in the first place to show us how cool you are for totally not caring about anything, meaning that you wish to be perceived in a certain way.

>>>I think everyone has desires.
>Everyone who is a person.
Wow... so edgy.

>>29910
>nothing can affect me because I have achieved ego death
Not that anon, but there's nothing intrinsically false about this. If one does indeed undergo "genuine" ego death, then he is free from the subjective experience of suffering. It's not nihilism or a "coping strategy": it is the only mode of existence that can offer such release from attachment and associated pain. That's why it's the end goal of most spiritual movements. But "ego death" is an actual state of the psyche that's the culmination of years of expanding the scope of your attention, and not something that can "just" be consciously adopted. And it's certainly not easy to achieve, forget complete nonduality (sahaja samadhi?), I don't think most meditators even experience nirvikalpa samadhi. (Related: I've always been curious at what the correspondence between types of samadhi and the Buddhist jhanas is. There's clearly some correspondence as both describe states of non-duality but it's not clear how they map.) But it's probably not even necessary for most people, just practicing feeling different emotions and parts of the psyche is sufficient to slowly surface deeper pain and chip away at it. And from an 80-20 perspective that's probably "good enough".

> hypocritical
Heh only now did I catch the irony between "I dislike questions like this" and the subsequent post. That's not to invalidate anon's experiences, assuming it's not just role-playing as an enlightened monk he probably does have some different perspective in terms of conscious experience. It'd be interesting to hear more about it, although this thread probably isn't the right place. I don't think it's "ego death" as traditionally defined though, possibly closer to depersonalization or DID or something.

>>29811
Thanks, it has improved a bit. Apparently the medication can continue to give improvements for up to two years (then sustain them)... but I'm doubtful I have anything left to improve.

I would have got on them at 25 and lost nothing if it weren't for family gaslighting me against it.

I feel the delayed development might hurt my self pereception a lot, as I have less and less in common with people the more I age. I'm sure everyone here feels 'stuck in the past' though.

>>29812
Hard to say... I used to lean to lightning or fire but I wouldn't mind white magic to heal some ills. I guess that and time magic.

>>29809
hello, happy birthday and merry christmas

>>29885
Thanks, happy new year :) hope this one is good for all of us... gods know we deserve it.

>>29893
Happy new year to you too!

>>29867
>disposable inserts.
These dolls actually come with an option to have 'that' area with a cavity designed for inserts.

>>29863
Congrats anon! I was told mine should arrive in January. It's not too heavy is it?

>>29868
It's pretty heavy, mine is about 50lbs. Manageable, but heavy. Very cumbersome though, with the large size and weird shape. I'm sure it'll be easier for others though, as I'm rather short and not especially strong.

>>29863
I feel like getting an onahip or using an onahole would still be the best way to masturbate. Dolls are nice, but as you said they seems far to unwieldy to clean properly. From what I've read you typically gotta lug it to a shower or bath and try and clean it out and then put the aquarium pump in to dry it out, which can pose problems in itself.
A removeable insert, where you can put your own onaholes in would probably be the best solution in my opinion, but they aren't offered by every company.
A doll does seem to be probably the one thing better than a daki when it comes to cuddling though, and the closest you can get to a "replacement" for a sleeping partner. I'd really like to get a doll one day and I think I would primarily use her for cuddling and having something to hold onto while sleeping that isn't a pillow that is more "human shaped" and of a human weight.
Anyways, it seems like you have gotten a good doll, and hopefully you don't encounter any issues with her. What brand did you get? Going based off the face, it seems to be an aotume doll.
>I got the foot bolts so she can stand up, but I sort of regret it. I don't expect to have her standing anytime soon.
Honestly I think getting the foot bolts is always a good idea if you have plans on her ever standing up, because otherwise the material around her feet will get shredded by the skeleton and pretty much ruin her soles. Having soft feet is only useful if you never plan on standing her up and using her solely for sex on a bed or something or purely for a sleeping aid on a bed. Otherwise you will need to pick her up and carry her around and lie her down on her back or stomach if you don't have the foot bolts, since the feet will become damaged very quickly otherwise. At least from the research I have done.

>>29880
Wrote a reply yesterday and managed to lose it before sending...
>Dolls are nice, but as you said they seems far to unwieldy to clean properly.
It's not that bad. I imagine a lot of the cleaning can be mitigated with careful use, but I gave her a bath both times. The aquarium pump drying is pretty easy once you have everything on hand. Actually fucking the doll is a bit awkward and strenuous, probably due to the stiff joints. There's options for a looser skeleton, but that comes at the cost of posing. At any rate, an onahole/onahip would definitely be a better option if you're just looking to masturbate. With the doll, it feels like a different thing entirely, or it does to me.
>A removeable insert, where you can put your own onaholes in would probably be the best solution in my opinion
Yeah probably. Honestly, I wasn't expecting to have doll sex more than once. I thought it'd be a novelty and then I'd just have a massive doll. Thus the effort of cleaning was not a major concern.
>A doll does seem to be probably the one thing better than a daki when it comes to cuddling though
Yes, it is quite nice to hold. Soft and yet has form. A very very pleasing to hold form. Not sure if I'd sleep with it though, as that would seem like a good way to accidentally damage it or something. Besides, my daki is of a character I have much stronger feelings for, and I wouldn't trade it for the world.
>What brand did you get? Going based off the face, it seems to be an aotume doll.
Indeed, an aotume. I heard some bad things, but I'm quite pleased with mine.
>foot bolts
I suppose you're right. I did notice one foot is already slightly damaged as it is. I'm not terribly bothered by it either way.

I can't help but imagine OP as a cute little baka.

>>29740
You will be very upset when you learn he's probably not. The most beautiful thing about imageboards is that you can let your imagination do its thing and forget for a moment that... nevermind

>>29741
Physically of course not, but emotionally why not? In that way (and perhaps only that way) do the people who choose to use anime girls as their profile picture resemble their avatars; it only starts to feel weird when they try to lean into it and actually try to act as a girl.

>>29692
this, I look back at the drive I had as a teen even if it was just for anime and vidya and wonder what id have accomplished if I was pushed to pursue useful things

>They'll keep from dying, but that's all.
You, that is. They'll keep you from dying. hopefullytrafficking is real

>>29836
It's more about when they talk about their country or something they do, it just bothers me how sometimes it's unthinkable to me.

>your roof isn't leaking
I never lived in a place where this didn't end up happening. And the roofs in affordable places are mostly made out of asbestos, so if they are broken probably there's some contamination happening as well.

>your neighbors are not criminals
That's not an option anymore for my country, criminal organizations have spread even to the most remote cities. Ironically the safest places are the ones under control of a single group. Well, there are the very expensive walled gardens as well I guess.

Honestly I can't think of a degree of "unwelcome" that would be worse than where I live. If I had even the vague chance of moving I would, it's just that it's truly not possible, I don't have any money to go or skill that would be valuable.

>>29840
Hey but living among criminals is fun you don't even need to bother with suicide since they'll take care! yes I know that feelI genuinely can't imagine how people can bother living when there is nothing ahead except another tyrant to abuse you. This incessant pressure kills from inside. Ugh imagine how *everyone* lived like that back in the day. Life's scam

I hate working in teams. Misery upon misery. I'm too autistic or wherever. It forces me to give up too much of myself for something I can't care about. Eww

Before longposters arrive – it's a normal reaction. You obsess over your failures so much you unlearn the opposite. Unless somebody or some divine happenstance shows how to handle positive things you're going to suffer.

Yes I freak out, it feels like I'm unconciously manipulating myself to crash the bike as soon as I manage to speed up without training wheels so I'm afraid of taking them off at all. Too many failures and too little positive feedback do that I guess, that's maybe also the reason why I've become so lazy.
Like I'm not able to perfect a song in a rythm game, because the further I get without a mistake, the more I'll screw up the easiest parts.

>>29762
>Like I'm not able to perfect a song in a rythm game, because the further I get without a mistake, the more I'll screw up the easiest parts.
I know that feeling all too well. If I have some full combo going and I mess up half way in, rather than be annoyed it's almost like a feeling of relief now that there's not this pressure to be perfect. I guess life isn't really that different is it?

A lot of happiness is unearned. Like, just picture you're born into a bad situation. Your entire perception of self and the world is going to be fundamentally altered such that your brain is slowly trained to look for and expect the negative. More than that negative emotion becomes baked into your personality such that to be happy is to be met with a strange disconnect from the self.

Maybe it's just age mellowing me out but once I started accepting that my problems are probably just baked in on a neurological level, that there's minimal I can do about them they lost a lot of power over me. Don't get me wrong; it's no get out of jail free card but it became easier to quit caring.