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27004 No. 27004 hide watch expand quickreply [Reply] [Edit]
do your parents force you to do anything?
i'm 26 and still live with my parents, while i know they don't hate me, they do put alot of pressure on me to do normal things; get a 3DPD and focus on collage etc. i understand what they mean but they're so oppressive i almost makes it worse. and i can't do anything against them whatever they say goes. but at the sametime they do love me, it's this weird back and forth and i just feel alot from it.
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>> No. 27125 [Edit]
>>27093
I hate driving and live with my parents in a city you have to drive a ton to go anywhere, I'm finally moving out in large part just to go to a city with good public transit and ditch my car. I mostly hate everything about parking, needing to plan out ahead of time where you can park when you want to go somewhere, actually finding a spot once you're there, and how nerve-wracking it is that even the slightest bump is a huge deal. Also compared to the train where I can just do whatever, driving time just feels like completely wasted chunks of my day where my only option is to constantly be searching for enough podcasts to fill the time.

Post edited on 18th Feb 2022, 4:13pm
>> No. 27137 [Edit]
>>27093
Mine also pressure me to get a license. For me, it's not about a fear of driving but simply a lack of motivation. The exams here are quite difficult and it's quite rare for people to pass on their first attempt. I'd rather not waste so much money and time on something that I am not guaranteed to pass anyway. You also need to pay absurd amounts of money as a car owner (parking tickets, insurances, taxes) that I'd also rather keep for myself.
>> No. 27220 [Edit]
>>27093
I just got my license last November, and I had the same fear you do now for all the years I've been out of highschool and license-less. I thought, when I was getting it, that i would never want to go further than driving around my town or to the nearest town over. I really was that scared of it and I felt that I could never ever drive on a highway, to me it felt that I was mentally incapable. When I imagined trying to navigate such a chaotic mess of other people in massive deathboxes I just couldn't see how my clumsy ass could do it. Well, I've had a car for all of two or so months now, and it honestly does get so much easier over a little bit of time. Just last month I took a 60 mile drive out into the countryside to visit a favorite old town of mine, and the only problems I had were some navigational errors like missing a turn. Control-wise, it just doesn't feel like anything, it feels routine and like something I could do while eating. Keep in mind, I'm a diagnosed high-functioning autist and I've had to take classes on social interaction before just to land a job. Now I do drive to work 6 of 7 days a week, so that helps.

It's an important skill to have if only because it means you have the freedom to get up and go somewhere if you want, scary or not. It seems a lot harder and a lot scarier than it is but if you haven't done it yet, you just have no way of knowing. I really thought I would never pass the road skills test. Maybe it really is too much for some people and I certainly think it could be, but you never know until you try.
>> No. 27397 [Edit]
I'm still pretty young. My parents just don't want me to be a hikikomori. My mom mostly just wants me to do something, anything. Meet people and all of that. My dad doesn't seem to care about me socializing or anything, but he does want me to do something with myself. He's more supportive and understanding than my mother, but also has higher expectations as a result. Tells me he'd be doing the same thing as I am in my shoes, but if I lived with him, I'd have to work.
My mom doesn't make me do anything. She's kind of crazy. An alcoholic too. I'm uncertain what exactly she wants for me, but she kinda loses it if I talk about possibly moving out. She's never really said anything to me, but from what I've heard I'm pretty scared to move out. At the same time, she's scared of pushing me away, so she's very accommodating.

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23463 No. 23463 hide watch expand quickreply [Reply] [Edit] [First 100 posts] [Last 50 posts]
Is this the only anime/weeb community left that hasn't been over run by children?
Every time I find a new one to join it's the same thing, retarded teenagers who wont shut up about school or spoiled rich kids and their college crap. It's all "dur hur I'm gonna be a doctor I'm gonna be a laywer" fuck you. I feel so fucking old lately and this shit doesn't help one bit. It's just so ackward being in these servers/channels with kids that are half my age. Not that it's uncommon here either. Where the fuck are all the 30+ weebs? Do they just kill themselves when they hit 30 or do they turn into normal fags and quit the internet? What the fuck man.
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>> No. 27337 [Edit]
>>27299
>I don't think I am wrong
That's because you don't know enough about the relevant religions, or about politics in general.
>> No. 27341 [Edit]
>>27337
No I think it's because you don't.
>> No. 27342 [Edit]
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27342
You're all wrong!
Now prostrate yourself in the presence of our God, Her Moe-ness, Yurie-sama!
>> No. 27343 [Edit]
>>27311
Do you mind sharing those sites?
I am always interested in checking out new places. So far TC is the only place I know worth investing time in and I really would appreciate some variety.

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27284 No. 27284 hide watch expand quickreply [Reply] [Edit]
Does anybody else gets sad when playing competitive games? Not necessarily modern video-games but things like go and mahjong as well. I get. I usually start very happy but then I realize how far I am from becoming one of the best in the game, how other players defeat me easily, how even though I make great choices I lose, or how I fail to defend myself from an attack, and it's all sadness after this. Feeling despondent and with no hope of ever making it in the game. This applies to many things as well. Even when playing against people near my rank I lose. It's disappointing.
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>> No. 27288 [Edit]
I just don't play any competitive or non-competitive games online, it's not much fun to me. Whether I'm good or bad doesn't matter. I used to be fairly good at UT 2004 and any other fps I layed my hands on, but eventually the novelty of playing with strangers online wore off.
I used to play Tekken and other ps1/ps2 games as well as chess and card games against friends and my brothers when I was a kid, but it's been a long time since I've had any friends at all, and I broke off contact to my brothers ten years ago.

I do play single player games sometimes, mostly puzzle (e.g. Portal) and strategy games (e.g. Blades of the Shogun). I also have other solitary hobbies like juggling.

I've never been in a clan or guild or TRPG group or anything like that because I don't like socializing with other people.
>> No. 27293 [Edit]
Frustrated maybe but not sad, but I don't really play any serious multiplayer games, I play Warthunder sometimes and that is about it.
>> No. 27294 [Edit]
Not sad but incredibly nervous. It's like public speaking but for gaming, and you feel like any little mistake you make is going to be scrutinized to hell and back.
I don't bother with them anymore, and if I do, then I don't take them seriously at all and fuck up on purpose since it's easier to be a clown than to have my skills and thus me as a whole judged.
>> No. 27295 [Edit]
No, I don’t get sad, but my heart rate does noticeably increase and I worry I will disappoint people on my team. I find it stressful.

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25919 No. 25919 hide watch expand quickreply [Reply] [Edit]
Is there any comforting fantasies or thoughts you have or entertain regularly? I'm sure a life with your waifu is one of them but what about others?
I like to think about being a cute loli and having a cute and caring older sister to grow up and fall in love with. We would climb trees, shoot water guns at each other, play in a pool, read stories before bed, make desserts, cuddle at night and spend practically all of our time together. It helps me fall asleep and makes me feel better when I'm sad.
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>> No. 27172 [Edit]
>>27171
I'm filled with guilt over my parents. I've always been a burden and I still feel very bad about it today, I just can't accept anything from them at this point. Refusing the inheritance won't solve this issue but at least it will not add more weight to my conscience.
>> No. 27187 [Edit]
I use fantasies as escapism and retreat into them whenever I have nothing else to do. I have a few where I self insert into anime, or where I live somewhere else, away from my family, or where I am some sort of important person who plays some major role in something. Or all of the above. I even come up with elaborate one-off fantasies that I usually drop a few days later. My fantasies usually have elaborate stories and sometimes even connect. Several representations of myself come together in one of my fantasies. Do not ask.

My fantasies are usually one or more of the following:
-self insert into anime (or based off of an anime)
-me being away from my home
-me being important in some way
They are usually reoccurring with me revisiting them and revising them. If there is some major plot point I will usually go through several scenarios of it.

I have had some imaginary friends in the past too, if they count, but I am not good at that whole shtick so they usually go away. They are not very good in comparison to fantasies. If I feel like being held I usually cope by imagining myself or the representation of me being held in one of the fantasies. I notice that my fantasies are always in the third person rather than in my first person.

That is one of the few things that holds me back from suicide, it makes me feel like I am destroying worlds. These worlds in my head will cease to exist. The train will smash through them as well as me.
>> No. 27285 [Edit]
A recurring fantasy that I have been having is about becoming a magical girl, about how I would use my powers to become rich by invading parliament and forcing them to give me millions of dollars and then I would live in a mansion with lots of maids.
>> No. 27486 [Edit]
I like to think of a future where I can talk about my current life like some long forgotten story and laugh at how foolish I am. While the specific scenarios almost certainly won't happen, especially the ones I imagined when I was younger and a little more optimistic, I'd still like to look back and laugh someday. I won't hold my breath though.

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27207 No. 27207 hide watch expand quickreply [Reply] [Edit]
how much money do you make

ive spent so many years in university failing courses and when i finally get out, i cant handle working for more than a few months without losing my mind. between inability to get any good jobs due to my work gaps, low income and intense stress im at the end of my rope and thinking of ending it.
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>> No. 27219 [Edit]
>>27217
>With that many years of experience you should should move on from that job and onto something more senior.
Yeah, I know. I just wish I knew how to make myself more appealing to interviewers. Honestly I think that despite working in IT for 6 years, I'm actually less experienced than it seems, since we only recently started messing with cloud services like Azure, and up until a couple years ago our clients all used Server 2008 R2 at the latest. At least the newer versions aren't too hard to grasp. Azure was kind of unintuitive at first compared to VMware, but I've gotten the hang of it.

Maybe I just need to get better at lying about my experience or something.
>> No. 27226 [Edit]
>>27219
Making it seem like you have more experience then you really do is a good part of it. Like for example, you said your company is starting to mess with Azure. Say that you have implemented Azure into the company and made sure that everything performed to standard.
>> No. 27250 [Edit]
I never made a single cent in my entire life. Only money I ever had was birthday gifts from my teens. I can't even order anything without my relatives scrutinizing the entire thing and complaining to me and the whole ordeal is so unpleasant I never bough anything in years, I don't even plan to. I can't buy anything without they knowing, but if I start making money they will have access to information about me, I can't let this happen. My information has to be iron clad. I have to delete anything that can be traced back to me. Banks have employees and they are corruptible, no I can't talk to them. I don't trust any technocrap I did not built it myself. Cant trust anyone. The mailman is a fucker, he will be corruptible. I can't order anything nor can I work, but also cant really get to do the things that need to be done. Ideally I should learn forgery. Very great skill. But then I cant also learn forgery, i need an actual place to order things. The tax scum will scream my name, fuck them. They want my labour free. ALso monay is horrible. ONly criptocoins now. No tax. But htey are technocrap. I need minerals, ideally. bUT Tthis godforsaken land is shit crap. no minerals, paoverty no maoney. ifuck tecnolizards fuckf uck fuck my mobey is theis hands no nwo i hate this so much cna thave nomeybf fukck.
>> No. 27254 [Edit]
When you’ve worked for a while and make more than you started at, you’ll still feel like it’s not enough anyway.

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25385 No. 25385 hide watch expand quickreply [Reply] [Edit]
How do different times of day, seasons and weather affect your mood? When spring comes around, and it gets warmer outside, I feel more alive. All of my emotions become more pronounced. This is a double-edged sword. When I'm happy, I feel it much more, and when I am not, that is also much stronger. When it's warm outside, I feel like I have to do something, like there's got to be something to look forward to. Never actually happens though.

I love early morning the most because it makes me optimistic. Sunsets are depressing as hell because the day is ending and I never feel like I got enough out of it. By the time it's night though, that sense of unfulfillment is gone and I feel just fine. Rain and clouds are nice in their own way because everything feels the same the entire day.

Post edited on 14th Mar 2020, 2:57pm
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>> No. 25427 [Edit]
I enjoy fall and winter far more than spring and summer. Summer at least has some things going for it and the heat can be enjoyable sometimes, but spring in general I don't really like. The latter half of the year is the better half. I think the best part about spring is that walking around at night is more pleasant than it would be in the winter.
>> No. 25599 [Edit]
In nearly every way. Spring and Summer I am always more energetic, and in general more content with things. THings look promising, and I feel at ease. During Fall, things start crumbling down and I get more restless, rains a lot here, and I always have this sentiment that rain and thunder alike are punishments from God or something. I feel like an ancient hiding from unstoppable forces. This all said, i live in a so-called tropical paradise. From an outsider perspective "it's always sunny". But even so I feel those things very much and they peak at winter. During the middle of winter it feels like a mess. My mind and body feel like being attacked i am more pessimistic and all.
I also feel these things about morning and night, except they peak at summer. Around 5-7 pm it's the worst time. During winter everythin its too hazy to make out.Every winter is a pain to get through.
I even feel like the specific times when rains are connected with my emotions somehow, not because it rained, but before even raining.
>> No. 27174 [Edit]
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27174
Something about this time of year, early spring through summer, makes me feel nostalgic, like all the good times from the past which happened around this time are back. And more than that, like an idealistic life comes into view. It's not real, it's not tangible, but for some reason it feels close.

You could describe it as an involuntary, unjustified good mood. Sooner or later it comes crashing down. The sun starts to set, September rolls around, and nothing has really changed, but for a little bit, things seem pretty good.

Post edited on 11th Mar 2022, 2:21pm
>> No. 27185 [Edit]
My mood may be chained to daylight/weather alone. I have always observed that as night sets in I become more paranoid, more fearful, and more pessimistic about my future. Thoughts of the end of not just myself but anything and everything really grip me around the early AMs or so. But lately I've begun to realize that seasons have just as much, if not more, of an effect on me. During summer I tend to be less pessimistic, and even have a completely different and reverse mindset entirely where I do reckless things and ignore risks without worrying about it. By winter however I'm waking up every morning wanting to just lay back down, let myself be fired, and then just die. I think of the end and wish I could erase everything around me. I think I have some serious mood disorder because my mood will change rapidly back and forth throughout the day in the first place.

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26514 No. 26514 hide watch expand quickreply [Reply] [Edit]
Anybody ever read nay philosophy?
Just so you know, Plato is the truth
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>> No. 27114 [Edit]
>>27112
This is very interesting in so many levels, and I couldn't cover them all.
The biological fatalism makes me think of Kiss Maerth talking about the morbidly obese human brain and the disastrous consequences of that degeneracy for all beings. The horn metaphor is brilliant.

>Which again accords with studies that "depressed" people make more rational choices.
Do you know which ones? When I'm peak depressed I often have this feeling of seeing clearer than ever, feeling more logical than ever, perceiving reality for what it is, more focused, all that while in atrocious mental suffering. It's an scary idea, the happy are the delusional, the depressed are just less distracted and can see true reality. I try to see the comforting part on this and think it's, at least, a general human condition, since it touches a very personal matter.
>> No. 27115 [Edit]
>>27114
I'm glad someone got something out of my post! And yeah I was also pretty impressed by that fitting metaphor – this is one of the few philosophical works that was a pleasure to read, filled with some nice gems and food for thought. I'll do a follow up with his views on technology which I thought was interesting to compare with those of anarcho-primitivists like Kacyzinski.

>Do you know which ones?
Look into the "depressive realism" hypothesis, although like all social science studies you'd probably be better off just trusting your insticts on this one given their notorious reproducability issues. (There's also probably different types of "depression" in the first place. I assume the one that Zapffe is referrring to is that of a chronic, dull weariness – not necessarily borne out of a painful environment but rather by a slow realization of the absurdness of it all).

In the same vein there's also some related thoughts that depression should be considered as an altered state of consciousness unto itself (i.e. a global alteration in the means by which sensory inputs are perceived). I think we might get a more concrete picture of all this in the upcoming decades or so when there is increased research into the exact nature by which psychadelics affect conciousness (i.e. not from a localized biochemistry point of view but a more functional systems perspective), since many of the same psychadelics supposedly have transformative effects on depressed people.

It's also interesting to think about how one might square the various annecdotes about psychadelics "opening your mind to the true nature of the universe" with Zapffe's writings – they can both be true if both result from different states of conscioussness, but which is the "correct" one? Offhand I'm inclined to say that it's the latter just because the state of mind induced by psychadelics seems opposite to that of the rational mind (in that people hallucinate forms that don't exist, and are generally less coherent for that time). The fact that some people also undergo ego disollution
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>> No. 27152 [Edit]
I read everything Schopenhauer wrote (because he explicitly tells you to and there was by no means a lot of it) and Kant's Critique (because again I had to). Never read Hegel (yet) but I just wish the guy could have gone 10 pages without some jab at him. World is full of them. I haven't read Marx's older stuff like the Grundrisse, only Capital I-III and I don't really see how Hegel is pertinent to Marx. You don't need to know anything about Hegel to read Capital. But it seems his modern relevance derives from Marx. I'll get around to reading him when I get some amphetamines or something. I had to do that for Kant. I feel tired all the time otherwise and can't be bothered reading dense shit.
>> No. 27434 [Edit]
>>27115
Some other things I recently learned which you might find interesting:
* Sleep deprivation seems to alleviate depression, although it returns once again when they rest [1]
* Depression leads to longer period of REM sleep (and less deep sleep). There are also some research that REM sleep is critical for modulating emotions.

Those sort of match with my experience where I paradoxically feel most energetic when sleeping at 4am and waking at 11am (as opposed to a usual schedule of sleeping at 1am and waking at 11am). It should also be noted here that at least in my experience the phrase "alleviate depression" should be very narrowly defined, not as having no melancholic thoughts at all (those are always a constant, and in the Zappfian sense inherent/inevitable), it's having the energy to override the feeling of listlessness/weariness and temporarily divert yourself by e.g. watching anime.

[1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wake_therapy

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No. 24355 hide watch expand quickreply [Reply] [Edit]
Do you people get enough sleep and do you actually dream? If so, can you remember your dreams?

I personally rarely dream. I tried several lucid dreaming strategies, but none of them really showed any effect, even tough I would love to be able to use my dreams as a form of escapism.

I recall my last dream which felt really realistic and touching. I will now just share it here because, even though I dont think that dreams have a deeper meaning (to be honest, I also have not read up on this subject yet), I am interested in your thoughts on it.

I recall cycling on a road near my apartment, moving away from it. It was really late at night, probably around 1 AM or something. I was driving without lights and recall feeling the soft wind of a summer night on my skin, even though it was rather on the cold side. The most interesting detail I recall was the sky: One half of it (the left) was fild to the brimming with stars, way more than you would be able to see in an light-polluted modern city. The right on the other hand, was an empty void without any stars, and the border between these two regions was exactly above my head and had the highest density of stars. It was beautiful.

I am really sorry if this sounds like rambling. Thank you for reading.
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>> No. 24478 [Edit]
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24478
>>24364
What anon said, a dream journal is your best, most useful tool to have access to your dream world, dream retention, almost a necessity to train lucid dreaming as well. I've been keeping a dream journal on and off for many years now and recently I'm back at it again. I usually would write and draw my dreams but it can get time consuming when you're remembering 3 or 4 dreams each night. That's the reason I always end up quitting it. Now I'm back at it, I can't stop for long, it's like losing half of my life when I can't remember my dreams anymore.

One useful technique I don't see people mentioning often is organizing your dream if you can't pull yourself to actually wake up fully to write the dream down. What you want to do is tell yourself the dream you just had, organizing the pieces you remember, doing your best to transfer all that dream data over to an organized thought remembering everything over and over again. Even if you wake up hours later or decide to write down later instead of right when you wake up you'll remember a lot, most often all of it. Try to tell yourself the dream over and over again, don't let your mind float away from it, you may lose it forever if you do. After you tell yourself the same dream 3 or 4x you'll have memorized enought to actually write it down later.

Another thing I don't see many people mentioning are dream triggers. You know when you look at something that instantly makes you remember a dream you had? Use that, try to come up with a system. If you're trying to remember a dream, try to trigger yourself by lookig at pictures of animals, plants, people, places, try to remember what you did the day before or the stuff you watched or how you felt that week. You would be surprised how these triggers are not that difficult to find. Just today I was trying to remember a dream and by touching my nose against a window and breathing on the glass, a whole dream scene triggered for me. It's fascinating and satisfying at the same time.
>> No. 27144 [Edit]
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27144
I had a wonderful dream last night. It was 1992 again, a gentle breeze was blowing through the open window, softly moving the curtains as it came. The pale light of a bright morning shone through the entire room and everything was quiet. I was sitting on a checkered carpet in front of the old TV set, switching through the channels. Between the ones with just static I find a station airing an old episode of Doraemon. As I sit there, watching a friendly blue cat teaching a kid to pilot a giant robot for the first time, the world seems to be captured in absolute bliss and perfection.
>> No. 27145 [Edit]
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27145
>>27144
That's a reposeful imagery. I would assume that you are from a different part of the world than I am but I have to say it's quite a pleasant surprise to hear that someone in another side of the world shared a similar childhood as I do. Makes it feel a little less lonely.
>> No. 27146 [Edit]
>>27144
This is one of the most beautiful things I've read on an imageboard.

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27060 No. 27060 hide watch expand quickreply [Reply] [Edit]
Dear neets, right now I am facing a strange situation. All my life I always thought things would naturally progress, and I would get a stereotypical job and a wife or something, and it would take an real concentrated effort to escape these circumstances. At the same time I always longed for neetdom, to remain in the comfort of my room, away from ford-drivers. After I graduated HS, I felt this bizarre sense of incongruence when thinking about me working or being any profession, and also when doing any of the regular things adults do, such as dating, having a house with marriage, etc. When pressured to decide my future, I choose STEM field, simply because my HS acquaintances seemed to get into it and because I was an introvert so I thought it would fit me. The thing was, I never had any passion whatsoever. People around me seemed to be really into it, or at least didn't dislike the whole thing, some of them did similar stuff since they were a child. So I did a little engineering and CompSci, failing grades here there, and basically changing majors left and right. When I saw that I hated programming and had failed databases several times in a row, I decided it was time to quit again. I choose math, owing to similar reasons of being abstract rules that give insight into problems and shit like that (there's a mathfag here that explains this really well). Now, this course I choose is actually a course for teaching math, I downplayed the effects of this when I signed up (I also had just watched Kojikan). Needless to say, the prospect of going to another semester of this is terrifying, I actually missed all the actual teaching classes for obvious reasons. I'm 23, I think I am already getting too old for this shit. My parents place much importance into academics, but they have seen that no matter how much they screamed at me since my bad grades at middle school days, I continue to be a passionless individual and sincerely can't care less about this. My family gave me three options: Finish the shit I started, try some other course(non-teaching math or something else) or become a neet. Naturally the prospect of being a neet seems a bit like a relieve, but it sounds like a trojan horse. My relationship with my family is not the best, and this would mean being in this house forever. I would like to hear the advice of other anons here, older anons, nee
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>> No. 27136 [Edit]
I'm in a bit of a similar situation. I'm 21, close to 22. I entered university to study Japanese a few months ago but had to drop out, due to falling my exams, which resulted from a lack of motivation. The reason why I chose that major is probably not difficult to imagine; I spent all of my youth watching anime and to a lesser degree, playing Japanese videogames. Eventually, my interest extended to the culture's history and religions. But my course revolved mostly around learning the Japanese language, which I didn't have much interest or passion for. I'll still be returning to the course in a few months because there's nothing else that I could do that I am remotely interested in, in terms of education. I don't want to be a wageslave either and becoming a NEET is not an option for me.
>> No. 27139 [Edit]
>>27060
I'm 22, just got a job after being a neet for awhile. You dont need a degree to get a good job. For me, I got the comptia certification and now I got a comfy tech job. As for passion, I don't even think I am passionate about anything. You just have to think to yourself, "do I really want to be stuck like this". Or at least thats how I made it.
>> No. 27141 [Edit]
>>27136
>I entered university to study Japanese
Unless university is free in your country, this doesn't seem like a sound move, financial wise? English majors are already the laughing stock of employment prospects, and the job market for those majoring in japanese history/culture/language can't be any larger?

Why not avoid forking over money and just study these things on your own?
>> No. 27143 [Edit]
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27143
>>27141
>Unless university is free in your country, this doesn't seem like a sound move, financial wise? English majors are already the laughing stock of employment prospects, and the job market for those majoring in japanese history/culture/language can't be any larger?
It's practically free, yes. Let's just say there's no real financial downsides to it. From what I've heard, the job market for Japanese translation work is actually pretty big. I myself assumed that since Japan is a relatively wealthy country that is big in international trade and produces media which will only keep growing in popularity in the west, I'd probably have a decent amount of opportunities in terms of future employment.

>Why not avoid forking over money and just study these things on your own?
Well, I just lacked the discipline for that. I was hoping that receiving some sort of guidance would motivate me and help me learn the language more efficiently. Sadly, the amount of help I actually received was very limited. I was mostly on my own.

I also just didn't want to work. I'm currently working a low-skilled job until I go back and while it's nice earning money, I'd probably go insane doing this years on end. Being a student is the closest I can be to a NEET.

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No. 27130 hide watch quickreply [Reply] [Edit]
I've been sitting through these days in front of a screen for years and years and years.. I'm not even interested in anything anymore. Not like I was.

What I now call, "false friends," have kept me company. The same things. The same old group. But something doesn't feel right. Hasn't for a long time. I just try to forget about anything. If this is what life is then it's not worth it. In that sense it was hard, but it was mostly easy: I didn't have to think. My whole existence was non-thinking, as much as I could, every single day.

It was necessary for me to believe that it had to be this way, maybe you can all relate. I certainly was not the most popular. Average intelligence, extremely shy, extremely awkward. I had usually either one friend that was probably with me out of convenience or a group that didn't much care for me. There seemed to be no life to me at all.
>> No. 27131 [Edit]
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27131
I'm nearing 30 now. I found out that I had health problems that went under the radar in terms of diagnosis, but, persistently, wore me down. I could never have energy (we called it "depression"... BS). I always had a near suicidal mood. Why me? And everyone hated me so much. And every person or group which might serve to alter this trend, I watched every single one of them die. The looks on their faces were burned into me. I agonized over them, some more than others, but the one message that came back to me was that I was everything wrong with a person. I gave up, came back, gave up, came back, gave up, gave up, gave up...

I'll tell you now that I did some wacky health thing and cured one of the major ailments. Suddenly I was no longer mortally depressed by default, it just went away. A huge weight in my existence just went away like that. And then other things happened and now I feel fine.

We're simplifying things here, but I still watch my screens. I wonder what is possible, and what it is like on the other side. The existential angst terrifies me. I tried to let go of this vice, because I can experience it not as such, these false friends, but I could not. There were some attempts in the beginning to leave, but I could never do so for very long. I would not know what to do. I do not. But I only know thhat I must leave.

There was a tremendously depressing metaphor I saw, though I can't remember when, and I can't even remember what it was exactly, nor can I find it. However, the gist of it was that the butterfly, in trying to get out of its cocoon, was weak and struggled, only barely managing to do the job and escaped its prison. But it never spread its wings, and spent the rest of its life crawling.

There was no point to this thread. It's just a bit of my story.
>> No. 27132 [Edit]
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27132
I notice mods have removed my original picture.. I didn't realize it was against the rules. You can't really see anyone's face, it's a pretty powerful and interesting picture. That's why I used it. Sorry about that.

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22527 No. 22527 hide watch expand quickreply [Reply] [Edit]
Do you think you might be cursed in some form or another? If so, in what way?
36 posts and 9 images omitted. Click Reply to view.
>> No. 26939 [Edit]
tattoo the curse in the flesh and make your body strong
>> No. 26962 [Edit]
I'm pretty sure my creativity is getting tapped into by some supernatural entity and used to provide inspiration for artists/authors/musicians/etc that have actual followings (and by extension, the time and money to finish their creations). Every time I get an idea for a story or a character or a song and it feels like something worth fleshing out, something always comes out that's just like my idea. Even though I don't tell anyone about it. So now I can't even publish the cool thing I dumped so much time into because it'll look like a ripoff.

In that same vein, I've learned not to get my hopes up for anything because I'll always be shot down. Any time I see an opening to improve some aspect of my life and I take advantage of it, pow. Beaten down, again and again, until the opportunity closes. It's like teasing a dog with a toy and every time they jump up to get it, you yank it out of their reach right before they can grab it, no matter how high they jump. Only I'm the dog.
>> No. 26963 [Edit]
>>26962
It doesn't matter if two things have the same premise. Just what does it better.
>> No. 27035 [Edit]
>>26907
>>26908
You may be right. I do make an attempt to keep myself stimulated, but nowhere near as much as I'd like. Days fly by like hours, the month is over before I even realize it, and it dawns on me that I only accomplished a fraction of the fun/interesting things I (vaguely) planned for. Wageslaving doesn't help, even though my job is theoretically supposed to be pretty stimulating too.
In any case, I am still not unconvinced that it is actually some sort of hell life loop. Maybe I'll catch on eventually.

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