Because I have no money.

>>19646
This.
There's more to it than that, like my parents being too stupid and irresponsible to raise children.
But come to think of it, if there was enough money to deal with the problems that came from that it wouldn't even be that much of an issue to me. I mean obviously there's a huge social stigma from coming from nowhere or to bad people, so that sucks too.
I shouldn't have even been born, but what's worse is that I had to do it being dirt poor.

All struggle is class struggle.

I have issues with confidence and motivation.

It feels as if I've lost the ability to feel love or joy, life feels like a play to me now, having to act out being happy just so I don't trouble those who care about me. It's kind of annoying, actually. I just wish I could feel like I used to. For years it's felt like my emotions have been dying off and now it's just finally snapped. I'm really hoping it's a phase, but I'm getting the sinking feeling that it's not. It's not bothering me now, but it'll get really irritating if it keeps up.

>>19646
In essence this. As mere mortals we're forced to work or die. I got over solitude and that stuff long time ago, but having to work and study like a slave is something I cannot tolerate to the point I might commit suicide over this.

My whole self esteem is based on career success. I haven't found out what I want to do yet, no career paths interest me resulting in poor motivation and poor outcomes.

I don't have the discipline or motivation to live up to my ambitions.

>>19650
You're just lazy. If we didn't have society you'd just replace work with hunting/foraging/farming and a lot less security against other people who might want your area's resources. Just find a job you can tolerate and generates enough income to sustain yourself and your interests.

>>19653
I think most NEETs have to admit this to themselves sooner or later, unless they can get on disability or are very rich. Even Satou and the other hikki at the end of welcome to the nhk basically gave up on the lifestyle and had to work.

I have something I love. Something I would gladly die working away on for the rest of my life. I wish I could just live off of doing it. You know, be left alone to just work by myself all day, everyday for the rest of my life without having to worry about impending homelessness and other bullshit. So far, I'm too shitty to make it happen. Being a shut-in is the only reason I have time to drown myself in it. Every other option regarding life makes me unhappy. Everything else feels like a bloody waste of time to me. So I guess I'll be unhappy until I somehow make the thing I love, work.

Typical dilemma, I guess. Wanting to make hobbies your life and all that.

>>19654
>Even Satou and the other hikki at the end of welcome to the nhk basically gave up on the lifestyle and had to work.
Because the welfare system in Japan is dysfunctional at best. If it were set in a socially progressive country the ending might have been more positive.

Once again I'm drinking more and more often just to momentarily get rid of my stress. Last week I drank four days in a row, this night is "only" the second one this week. I'm feeling shit but at least not nervous.

There is no way I could be unhappy.

>>19649
I don't think it gets better. I feel the same way. When I look in the mirror, I feel no connection to myself or my life. It's strange to think I actually exist in the first place. Time can't heal this.

No motivation, no enjoyment, no money, no friends.

Horrible memories about school, and there's not really anything interesting to do, and I spend most of my time wondering why I haven't killed myself yet

Also, I don't have any income

I just want somebody to love me. I never had that.

Bad memories, drug cravings, inability to compete for jobs, and my mind seems to want to do it's own thing.

Low self-esteem, no friends and crappy job.

I had multiple chances to turn things around and make things better for myself but I just kept fucking up. Nowadays I pine over all the past mistakes I made and wonder if life is worth living at all.

Post edited on 21st Feb 2015, 11:51am

>>19645
Nothing in real life comes remotely close to the 2D people and fantasies.

Right now even a gorillion dollars still can't buy you a pure loving waifu. Right now you can't join the starfleet, meet new life forms, and traverse other worlds even if highly educated and fit. Right now all religions are shit and the so-called gods never appear and intervene as some genki or cute thing. So on and so on.

>>19677
The wonderful thing about 2D is it isn't real. You have to understand nobody likes anyone, nobody is perfect and that makes absolutely everyone disappointed. People love one another because they have idealizations and expectations of them. Then they fight with each other when the other breaks those idealizations. People are not who we think they are, they are idealizations, generalizations, and the more we get to know them the more those fantasies fall apart until we're left with someone utterly undesirable, tainted by their own bad behavior, but really they were always like that and we just didn't see it. 2D doesn't do that, it can't, they're purely idealizations, there's no reality there to break those wonderful idealizations down. You're so focused on bringing 2D to this world when this world is not a safe place, you don't want to bring 2D here, you want to go to 2D. Let go of this world, it's not salvageable, that's why humanity tries so hard to escape from it. Indulge in 2D, forget the 3D world, it doesn't want you, and you shouldn't want it.

>>19678
This so very fucking much! You've said what I've said in a less retarded way, thank you!

Fuck this world and all of the living shit on it, it's all trash. 2D is the best and I love it so very much. It's the best thing EVER.

I know that it's a meme to repeat " _ is love, _ is life", but I have to say that it without a doubt fits the situation and is what I believe to be one of the truths in this world: 2D is love, 2D is life.

not for me. i haven't been able to get off to 2d since i was maybe 21. just does zero for me. i'm too bound to 3d to escape now. perhaps i'm just growing up, can no longer escape into fantasy. then again there's less need as the real world doesn't affect me as strongly these days.

>>19680
Having a quirk does not mean you can't achieve acceptance and peace. Getting off to 3D is fine, you can idealize 3D as much as you can 2D. Just as long as you understand that 3D is just as unachivable as 2D, only thing is 3D can tempt you by actually existing. Don't fall for that illusion, and you'll be fine. A lot of people believe 2D is pure because it's 2D, 2D is pure because it's an untaintable concept, a concept that cannot display undesirable behavior, a concept that cannot disappoint or harm you. But something doesn't have to be 2D to be that, as long as you carefully hold the object of desire out of the wretched claws of reality, it will always remain pure to you.
I only get off to 2D, as a lot of us here do. But I understand your situation. Humans find something more desirable the more realistic it is, and for some people's unconscious minds, that means it has to be 3D. It's perfectly acceptable to me.

Because I'm an utterly worthless lazy despicable waste of air who's incapable of doing anything right. I just feel like lying down and letting myself die, but sadly a few people are still delusional enough to care about me even though I do nothing but disappoint and hurt them.

>>19678
Relationships between people are not perfect but they still have value and it is worth existing in the real world. Have you not seen Evangelion?

>>19687
Not that poster, but for all my love of Evangelion, I was able to recognize the endings for the platitudinous bullshit that they were.

The 3D world wasn't meant for us, some for the longest time, even since birth. We're seen as abominations in one way or another and just don't fit, so expecting to find anything even worth the investment in the real world is complete bullocks.

It's a harsh reality for any one individual to face, but assuming that everything's going to be daijobu or that things are even worth trying when you possess more than enough evidence for the contrary is the mantra of a child that which isn't aware of the cold bleak reality that lies ahead.

Some kids die even before realizing that their world was any different.

I'm all for trying to convey deeper meanings across mediums, but at times you have to be a conscientious consumer and realize what's being sold to you is little more than the prattling of one man's vision that which happens to be complete bullshit as evidenced by the souls here in stasis, perhaps forever.

I really wish it were different, but for most, it's readily apparent that there are very few things left in this world to even fight for, let alone try for. It's endemic, no doubt, but as much as it's a product of our time, it isn't anything exactly new per se.

Don't let yourself be lied to anon. It will onnly lead to dissappointment.

I am not happy because no one I know wants to live the way I want to live, or if they do they are not in a situation to do so or just won't because they think no one else wants to. Everyone gets so roped into work, marriage, children, house, car, watch hours of TV mindset. I wish my family valued the things I do more. And I wish my relationship with my family was better, I don't feel like I can share anything with them, I am always guarded. I feel like they rely on me (even if I am useless), and I don't want to abandon them, but there is nothing for me here, I don't want what they want me to want.

>>19653
foraging is pretty nice though, and fishing is easy. I would have no problem doing that if it was legal. Can't really do it legally without owning land and paying taxes, or fishing license.

>>19656
Part of the problem is you can't get a well paying job that doesn't require you to work 40 hours a week. Working 10 hours should be enough, we could totally structure our society around the 10 hour work week and not much would need to change, maybe you don't get to go on tropical vacations or something.

My father was a drug dealer and apparently I was born simply because the condom didn't do its job.
I'm not really sure why my mother told me these things.

>>19720
Ha, 40 hours. I know how it works, you agree to 40 hours then you're "asked" to work 60 hours and maybe weekends too, if you don't like it- get the fuck out, this world has more than enough people and no one needs you.

Despite generally having developed an aversion to politically related subjects, i watched Lives of the Super Rich by BBC today and it got me thinking about stuffs. I'm not really in the mood to type out a huge post about it right now but i thought that it might be of interest to other NEETs on here.

>>19736
Hey fellow Hikki.
I just finished watching it too.
A pretty good burn of 2 hours.
It's really shocking to see how deeply fucked it is over there.

I'm too tired, physically and mentally.
I'm so sick of everything, even of you.

I think it's because my father expects too much from me. Whenever I fail I always feel like shit and I'm never motivated to do well because he says I could have done better. I need to be economically independent so I can live my own life without depending on him but that's at least a couple of years from now.

>>19790
I just told him I failed my exam and he said just ok, I could feel his sadness though the phone. I can't even hate him because he does nothing bad, he always supported me.

Post edited on 9th Mar 2015, 5:52am

No reason to be happy. There are problems to fix.

Because I was born.

>>19649
I know that feeling. I hate Life (but I'm a coward so I am unable to kill myself...) but if I showed my true colours to my surroundings it would cause me a Lot of unwanted trouble, which would only make everything worse. And so I act like I care for my Life or all the other shit everyone seems to care about.
Man I wish I could end it all, but even more I wish to never been born at all.

>>19657
If he was german, the whole thing about him starving because he got no money, would not have happend.

>>19892
Exactly. The lack of proper welfare in Japan and some other first world countries undermines the value of human life, I think. The question is this: if someone simply does nothing how far should he be allowed to fall? Some governments think he should starve. Good ones think that people should have food and shelter no matter what. We're no better than animals if we can starve due to circumstance.

Because I deluded myself for a decade that I was enjoying being alone 24/7, having no money, friends or anyone outside my family that gives a shit about me. It all came crashing down recently in a sudden moment of clarity: I really don't want to die alone.

Now I'm depressed as fuck because I threw a decade of my life away and don't know how to get better.

>>19937
First you have to block out the thoughts that you hate yourself and others will make fun of you. This is the first step. It's incredibly hard and will probably take over a year to do.

I have passed this incredibly hard first step and just waiting for a moment to present itself.

You could try applying to a community collage or collage in your area. I've applied to both. In my town for community collage and 300km away for collage. I dropped out of both. But it might help you. You could find friends, lovers, or something you are really interested in. You just have to try.

>>19938
What if people are actually openly making fun of him?

>>19940
Then you either stop seeing them if possible or make them stop somehow.

>>19941
What if said people are his family which he cant leave because nojob and his classmates/coworkers that he cant beat because theyre physically superior?

>>19994
YOU MAKE THEM STOP SOMEHOW if you catch my drift.

Nah seriously you aren't forced to be tied down by people that treat you bad, unless you live in a non-democratic country. Leaving your family in that situation might make your life miserable for a while but doing nothing will make you miserable forever. When it comes to school/work you can just learn to ignore it unless they get physical because words are just words seriously, or report them for harassment/bullying (might not work as well in school, but school ends thankfully). There are always ways to solve most problems but the solutions might not be very comfortable, it's up to you to decide how to deal with them or just keep it as it is.

>not happy
>not unhappy
>just apathetic

It is funny. I am no longer angry, just sad.

My body is acting up due to both stress and allergies. I feel like I can barely breathe sometimes. I'm not even drinking that much most of the time; I just feel like I'm on a weak, negative drug trip.

I have no energy. I am still interested in some things, and I still like being alive, but there just isn't much I can do right now. I'm able enough to get out of bed and take care of things, but not enough to seriously get things done.

It has been three years since my mother entered hospice and then died. You'd think that it would be easy now, but it isn't. I brought up to my father that it was that time of the year again, and he just thought that I was talking about the seasons. Just...Jesus. He forgot about my mother. I can't stand that he pretends that everything is fine, and is happy as a clam with another woman, sincerely forgetting about my mother. It is one thing to move on, but another thing to forget. I don't think that I can be a part of his life anymore; I'm seriously considering it.

I want things to be better. I really do. But how? It could be worse, but I am going through a lot right now. At least my life isn't quite boring.

Because this world is a crazy messed up place and I used to think there was something good about it. Because I have no redeemable character traits or any sort of useful abilities. I'm everything bad in a person and I should just die. Every time I see my parents they tell me I'm not useless or something like that but I feel like they are lying or they truly believe this, they are starting to see just how I'm a royal waste though. I've never been in a relationship, it's been years since I've had friends in real life, socializing with people is hard for even when I went to an anime club, I have little to no motivation, the number of hobbies I have could be counted on one hand, I'm ugly, I'm just useless. Even if I ended up being in some relationship I would probably get cheated on since I have nothing to offer. The only good thing about me is that I'm kind of "nice" but that is a product of my weakness and what comes from my "kindness" is that I'm gullible.

My parents would sometimes say that I might have depression and they say I exhibit those symptoms, they still say that sometimes. I don't know if I do but sometimes I think I'm just disillusioned with the world, only the strong, smart, or beautiful survive and I'm none of those things.

I can't even kill myself because I'm too scared of the possibility of an afterlife, reality is horrible but I don't think this is the worst of it. I'm too cynical to believe there is a heaven or something like that, even if there was I wouldn't get in. I hate this and myself so much.

There probably isn't even a point to making this post, chances are people are reading this and laughing at how pathetic I am or ignoring it entirely.

You know what? I think im not even sad. Just very very very, veryveryvery tired both mentally and physically to the point I don't want anything. Im tired and sick of everything, but not really sad. I don't want company, I don't want money, I just want to sleep forever. Why? Cause I tried, failed and accepted defeat, I have no business breathing and waking up every morning.

My reasons for not being happy?

With how much self-loathing I do, you'd think I commited a serious crime or did something I regret. However, I'm not satisfied with anything. I have no dreams, no ambition, no goals, nothing worth living for. 8 years ago, I would've said something about love, but that just doesn't work for me at all. I'm too abnormal.

Aside from the Life-not-being-an-anime thing that someone already stated, life doesn't have much worth living for. I don't want to work to live. I don't want to live life like normal people do. I want to explore, fight, see interesting things, learn a ton of languages, eat a bunch of different food, become really strong, and live life as I please with no one to hold me back. I want to be the shonen protagonist so goddamn much!

They live the life I want!

I want to die. I want to kill myself.

>>21981
Let's do it.

Even though I am often told I am loved and cared for, I feel like everyone hates me. I feel that I can't do anything right, because I often make mistakes and get mixed up an confused often.

>>22256
You should read this. Everyone on tohno-chan should read this.

http://www.bibliotecapleyades.net/archivos_pdf/power-force.pdf

>>22257
Literally TL;DR, sum it up please.

Because it's a shame things have to be this way. You're stuck with it and you have to live with it.

WHO TOLD YOU OUR SECRET?!

I'm unhappy because.... it's kinda hard to put into words. The people around me, it feels like they have a lot of faith in me, while at the same time they have none at all. I just constantly disappoint the people around me. It doesn't help that I don't have any faith in me either. I'm so aimless,and I hate myself for it. I wish expectations didn't exist.

I don't have money. It all comes down to the problem of not being rich.

I'm more angry than sad.
Every day I care less about being worthless, malicious, destructive and evil. So what? Long before I was actually bad it felt like the whole reality never wasted an opportunity to remind me how everything is my fault and responsibility. For a long time it succeeded, now I rarely give a shit. Hate normal people, hate happy people, hate all that zen gibberish about acceptance, harmony and enlightenment.
Fuck, I've been wronged so many times by people who consider themselves (and are considered by others) good and proper human beings but I'm the fucked up fiend who needs to get over everything, move on yadda yadda and and act like people didn't make me what I am now? No, fuck that, it makes me dangerously angry and I refuse any responsibility.
I even find it hard to talk to other losers now, most seems to be above me, sometimes in strange ways but still.
Wish I could take everything from everyone and watch the world wither, it doesn't deserve anything else. Shame I'm so powerless.

Because I still haven't found that youtube video with keine and mokou running on a treadmill again

>>22299

>>22762
i appreciate the thought but it was one where it was cute keine and mokou, but then they replaced the cute with two male cosplayers of keine and mokou

My existence is an anomaly, I am ill-fit for this world. It's like being a fish out of water.

i wish i had a friend to discuss waifuism with. i'm in an irc chat right now filled with "waifuists" but i dunno, they never want to talk about it and just talk about killing themselves. i think they fell out of love.

specifically i wish there was someone that loved the same character as me. i want to talk with someone about how great my waifu is. i could talk about her all day long. but literally no one cares about her but me.
it sucks. i wish i had a clone of myself to hang out with. my waifu isn't my only issue, i have nothing in common with anyone at all. i want to talk about hokuto no ken. but the only people who are familiar with it in 2017 are le jojo ora ora xd meme faggots who don't really appreciate it and just think of it as a meme anime almost as epic as jojo. hokuto no ken is not a fucking meme anime, it's beautiful.

i have only one friend in the whole world and he doesn't give a shit about me, he's too depressed. he just listens to me talk. at least i have that. but i don't want to just hear myself talk. i want to have someone to do stuff with.

you have to be a fad following retard to have something to talk with people about. i don't give a shit about any of the fad games. i don't give a shit about modern anime. i'm fucked.

why does no one love my waifu except me? she's the best.
i'm tired of blogging about myself. that's all i can do. have one-sided conversations. i am surrounded by human beings and all i can do is talk to myself while people pretend to care.

>>22784
Maybe if you didn't come as unnecessarily spiteful, other would be more likely to engage in conversation with you? I don't know you at all, but the if I had to unfairly reduce your personality to one word based on your post, it would be "biased / prejudiced".

You thinking the only reason someone won't talk to you about waifuism is because "they fell out of love" is very self-absorbed.

>>22784
U R ALREADY DEAD XDDD

I know what you mean.

But the anime adaptation of Hokuto no Ken is basically a meme. It's sort of poorly done, and dated, it has a bunch of weird faces and stuff. The weird cat noises Kenshiro makes seriously don't help it's case.

I absolutely love the manga though, the story is amazing, it's my second favorite manga after Devilman. I think it's pretty overlooked these days, especially in comparison to JJBA, which it influenced tremendously, to an extent where I can safely say that without Hokuto no Ken, JJBA wouldn't exist. On a separate note, it's really irritating to me how JJBA became a "meme show". I love JJBA, and have for a long-ass time. I obviously understand that there are comedy elements inherent to it, but teenagers on the internet kind of shit on that icon regularly, I feel. The anime adaptations are fun but they're not really that great.

But yeah I'm sorry you don't have anyone to talk to, that gets to be really rough after a while. You'll always have /tc/ and /so/ though.

Its so fucking sad. I want the old tc again from 2010. When it was active. When there were a bit too many namefags and people were complaining about it being too slow. I wonder what all those people who posted in the waifu thread are doing now. Did they all become normalfags and left?

>>22804

I'm still here, I just mainly idle in the IRC room. It's funny you mention 2010 because that's around when I joined, maybe 2011 or so. It was right as I was finishing school and being completely unsure about if I would end up being a NEET after graduating or not. Was able to hold parttime jobs for most of it, and a brief 4 month period of unemployment.

Those were interesting days, weren't they?

I don't know how to explain this. I love Japanese medias more than anything (anime manga VN LN art MMD etc) but the depression is too strong that I can't bring myself to consume them. I don't know how better to explain this. As a NEET living in his messy dirty room with piss and Dr Pepper bottles everywhere I have all the time in the world to consume such medias but I don't. Infact I avoid them. I tell myself "in this next life I will do this more than anybody else". It's weird. Idk. I don't know what's going on in my subconscious but I think might be postponing my own enjoyment because I feel like I am in turbulence right now. And I am saying I will do this in the next life because I am predicting my whole life will be this turbulence. I have read this is not something uncommon, children whose parents argue a lot tend to avoid the activities they enjoy because they want to save them for a better time. "It is difficult watching my favorite cartoons when my father is hitting my mother just the other side of the door, I avoid it". The human brain is so fucked up. I only have this life and as a NEET I could watch as many anime as time allowed it but I am avoiding it and even if I didn't it's so botjersome to put effort into anything that I would rather spend the rest of my life doing nothing but asking that I can enjoy things in this "second chance" life. On top of it all it sucks being a lunatic, delusional poorfag. I ask apologies to the world for witnessing me existing, I am an embarrassment, utterly stupid & pathetic.

>>22810
I think quite a few of us put off watching anime 'for a better time'.
What I have learnt is you keep putting things off and then when you want to do them, you have a big pile of things to do and it overwhelms you thus causing you distress.
So the best thing to do is do them as soon as you want to, and not put it off.

>>22810
I can feel you.
I don't even look at pictures of my waifu or listen to my favourite albums for more than half year now because i feel like i want to enjoy them when i will feel better.
It's been getting better lately but i still can't break up to do things i really like.

I have a job, I'm climbing up in my career, I'm earning decently for where I live. But I do not feel fulfilled, I do not work on things I really care about. Whenever I have some free time, I waste it on something irrelevant, instead of motivating myself towards productive work.
I want to achieve a lot, yet I am afraid of failure, so I am lost in the lands of apathy and lack of initiative to take action.
Minor inconvenience is also the lonely feeling.

>>19648

This same here anon.

My family is degrading, both transitively and intransitively.
Every time I interact with them I feel dirtied, and can't feel clean again until I've showered, so I mostly go through the day feeling ritually impure unless I specifically avoid them. It's not just that there's no way to avoid getting into arguments except by avoiding them, but when I act agreeable to them, I still feel dirty, for acting like a normalfag.
And they're degrading as a unit. My mother has always lashed out at my father for every imperfection (often legitimate, more often just not being able to read her irrational woman's mind) and he's always been a tactless idiot, but they've gotten to the point where they can't pay the bills, so she's screaming at him thrice a day, offering no actual solution.
And she's not fucking willing to make any sacrifices or even basic austerity to fix it. And both her and my sister are obese.
But my fucking college (which I consider a bad idea but they're too hyped on classism and fantasy to question it) is being paid out of some otherwise inaccessible retirement fund, so I'm kind of detached from the causes and results of all this, but not from the ambient consequences.

And then, god, I can't understand why normalfags need "freedom" and their casual, undevoted "relationships" and thoughtless "friendships" and to "live their own life" and their fucking liquor and trash television and whore-films and sodomy and usury.
I wish socialism would come so I could just live in a barren one-room apartment and Society would just come and clearly order me to do what it wants from me and everyone would live silently and in peace, rather than this degenerate, immoral, directionless, womanish, chaos-worship capitalism.
And I know I just have to accept all this as (the semi-Spinozist) God's (viz. τοῦ Λόγου) delight and irrevocable will, as what -exists- but normalfags don't just demand that (indeed, they don't even understand what that means), but they expect me to lie and pretend to be just like them and I won't do that.

I can't even fantasize about being with a 2d girl because I do believe she would never want to hold me and be held by me, and I don't want to insult her image of her beautiful & pure soul, and since I don't believe it's plausible it's unsatisfying. And worse this just leads to rape pseudo-fantasies that I always regret but have become so habitual over the years that I can't react at with any real disgust any more.

>>22813
This too, this so much.

>>22838
Is moving to a student dorm an option? You might end up with non-idiot roommates. The hell at home will just make you insane, sooner or later.

>>22838
>>22839
What this anon suggested is a good idea.
>And then, god, I can't understand why normalfags need "freedom"
Ironically, in this situation, "freedom" is the single, lone thing that can set you free and stop your misery. You have the freedom to get a job and start saving, the freedom to leave your parents behind to rot in their mental filth. You have the freedom to try becoming better and cleansing your life from your toxic surroundings. Freedom is the quintessential element of life, even if it's just an illusion. Never ever understimate "freedom", because if you ever truly reach rock bottom, that's the only thing that will help you.

>>22839
I assume you mean a dorm that's open during the summer? Even if I could afford such a room, I think I'd rather die than do such a thing. Indeed, I made clear to them from the start that I'd only attend college if I were absolutely assured a single room which thus far I've been able to seize (on medical grounds). Regardless of their flaws, at least I know my family and their limits, and at least they leave me with privacy. The same can't be said of unfamiliar 3dpd with disgusting, reeking bodies I'm unaccustomed to whom I can have no privacy from and whom I'm forced to sleep with.

I think what I wrote about my family came across wrongly. It's all true, but I meant it as a lament rather than as a complaint. I'm far more sad for them and their fall than I am upset about my own condition.

Sorry.

>>22843
I personally liked having roommates when I was 15-20. Now my sense of privacy has changed and that would be unacceptable.

>I think what I wrote about my family came across wrongly. It's all true, but I meant it as a lament rather than as a complaint. I'm far more sad for them and their fall than I am upset about my own condition.

I see.

I find humans disgusting.

i'm bored

like, I can't even begin to care nor understand how the proles/coloreds/queers live since I don't even understand how my own alleged class lives or why or what
this is the extent of my alienation, I doubt I have any veracious image of society and everything I do see I wish would die
really, if immortality & purification of the spirit isn't in the cards I really can't see what good comes of the rotting heap of humanity being left to emptily reshit itself indefinitely as everyone else seems to want
(each to his own &c. and that's why there are no Manichees left &c.)

I haven't been on this site since 2014. I Have spent most of the last three days reading the archive (I'm about 3/4 of the way through it) and now I'm sad that most of the posters here seem to have moved on.

>>22925
That's just how it is. It really can't be helped.

>>22926
Is the irc active? I never got into the irc before.
I'm going to try make a couple of posts here a week again.

>>22927
It's not that active but people do talk sometimes.
I look forward to your weekly posts.

>>22872
If I were you I'd consider myself one lucky bastard.

>>22820
I think you feel that way because you're forced to want your current life by our society when it's not what you truly desire. Happiness comes from within, right?

It's a really dark, disgusting impulse in humans that force us to behave the way we do, and to mold others to behave in the way they do. Our society doesn't value life and freedom, it values death and slavery, we just enjoy playing with the illusion of the former. But deep down we all want the universe to be silent again because we can't stand the sound of others talking.

A difficult problem. You can't live the way you want to when you're constrained by the fetters of "value".

I am not, I am just sad all the time at what I have to go through to protect my peaceful time.
I had the resolve, but now i'm finally going to take that step and move away.
I have dealt with all kinds of abuse throught my life,but recently, my family tried to sell of my external hard drive, to get me rid of all my "weird" ways.I cannot put it in words how much that hurt me. My whole world is inside that little box.
I'm working extremely hard physical job, if only to keep my little world safe.
I am finally going to protect what is mine for good.

>>19645
Because i have been a hikikomori for 10 years and pretty much feel too far gone now and thus i feel like i just merely exist now.

>>22981
Do you dislike being a hikikomori though? Or just dislike feeling chained by it?

>>22982

I guess its more the feeling of being chained by it.

My family is fucked up; because of my childhood I am terrible with most social interactions, particularly 3dpds; I have no friends I can talk to about stuff; I have no motivation even to do things I like; I have no skills that will be practical to make me money so I know I'm going to end up in a shitty dead end job.

>>22838
This anon is too pure for this world

Your post from start to end described my feelings too. I wrote a post to make you understand that there is at least one more person like you and to offer some advice, but I couldn't really express myself and get my point across.
I'm just going to say this.

Be courageous.
The rest will come on its own.
Remember, I'm cheering you on all the way from the bottom to the top!

You know what's worse than sadness?

Pure emptiness. Most people won't ever know that feeling. You need to digest the truth to feel that. Most people have the proper defense mechanisms to ignore that.

>>22838
>Every time I interact with them I feel dirtied, and can't feel clean again until I've showered, so I mostly go through the day feeling ritually impure
I think I know just what you mean. I want to pull off my skin so hard every time I remind myself I am the spawn of my parents' work. My genetic code is indistinguishable from theirs and I feel like I'm no better than this local community. No better than this disgusting folk, than these streets full of trash, than this crime and barbarism. I am a part of it and have been a part of it since birth. I would like to tell myself that I am different from this repugnant whole, but the harsh truth is I'd be just another normalfag if not for autism. In a way, I'm actually much worse than these people and this place because I'm just another one of them but with a mental disease that makes me even more stupid, useless and inhumane than I would have normally been born as.

>>23007
I really want to be family-focused but I can't help having the same thoughts.

Looking at my family history I can't help but feel cheated. A few generations ago we were so much better than this but now we're just rubbish.

I want to climb back up the ladder but I don't know if I can manage. Boomers got up there and pulled it up with them. And anyone seen constructing a ladder is regarded with scorn and distrust. Pieces of shit.

>>23007
Normalfag is the most disgusting form of human, impossible to be worse than that.

is emptiness not pure sadness

>>23050
Wouldn't emptiness include lack of feeling other than emptiness itself?

I'm half way to becoming a Ford driver. Jobs break a man.

>>23065
I don't find becoming a Ford Driver is possible. I don't see normaldry as a thing that can be switched on and off. I only mention this because such notion makes me unhappy.

>>22930
well, i'm also alone, unemployed, and poor.

>>23303
You have access to the internet. A vast endless sea of knowledge. You can see every film or animation ever made, listen to millions of songs, read from libraries worth of bookes, play more games than anyone has time for. You can learn a language, find a new hobby, study new skills and more. Of course there's also more porn than a person could hope to imagine. Yet, there you are, being bored.

>>23304
yeah it sucks

The gap between having a job and being a hikikomori is too big. I want to get a job but I'm scared shitless I'll sign myself up for something not just hard but impossible and waste everybodys time by applying.
School has poisoned me. Everytime you do something right and get comfortable with a task they turn it up on you creating a constant rate of high anxiety and failure.
Dropping out of college I have this mindset that any kind of job will be too big for me. When I look at people bagging groceries and imagine myself I get stressed out wondering which things go in the same bag or something, if you need to be good at math to figure out a cash register, all sorts of things even though I always see potatoes doing it like they were born in the produce section.
Like, I don't think I'm terribley incompetent. When I get comfortable I think I'm actually pretty sharp. The problem is I'm a self taught book studying kind of student. When people try to teach me directly I get so focused on being polite and looking attentive I can't think straight. Then when I get confronted about messing I get so scared I mentally shut down. Worse case scenario they read my frozen up anxiety attack as spacy laziness and start coming down on me until I start crying and feel too embaressed to return.
I think if I can just get some time to learn some simple job until it's first nature, memorize the typical interactions I'm going to have to form a loose script I can wing everything else.
Some of you guys have probably had trouble getting a job because of anxiety. Are there any resources for job training? Books? Guides? Online classes? I want so badly to just see the perspective of a simple worker for a few days to pick up the habits and see what's right for me.

>>23325
Sound just like me.
No experience fixing it but from my observations on normies, they don't think about failure. We think about the trouble we might cause or how it might all be a waste of time, they don't.

So it would seem to be more a personality thing than a knowledge thing. Surely, we don't lack the knowledge to work as a cashier but we might lack the personality.

>>23325
>I think if I can just get some time to learn some simple job
Can't you get like an internship in most places? You ask the person in charge to let you work free of charge for a few weeks so you can learn the job. Regardless, I'd avoid any job with interactions / customer service, specially if you enjoyed being a hiki.

>>23325
Consider doing it under the assumption you will fail for one weekend and quit. I did that and it was a good learning experience. One of the customers in the bar I was working in asked me "is it true you have assburgers" on the last day. I was lucky to be able get a job in a bar on a remote island only accessible by boat for one weekend and knew I would never see any of them again which made it easier not to care.

Work sucks and it's not getting better. Everyone else knows it sucks and just conforms to the system. Miss the old days, wish it was easier as an adult to make friends....

>>23442
Why don't you stop working and find other means to make money?

>>23000
I'm only seeing this now, but thank you a lot, Anon-kun.

>>19645
Because i don't have friends, 3DPD, education and money, also i living in poor country. Have no future.

It seems like I'm going to have to get yet another job in addition to my current job, in addition to being a full-time college student who is studying a difficult major with a lot of homework, while also dealing with serious health problems. I can barely make ends meet and I am about to collapse under all this stress.

My family tells people that I'm lazy, almost implying that I'm a NEET or something. They don't understand anything about technology so they think my job and major are worthless (I'm in tech). Seriously, you will never meet a more tech-illiterate group of people than my family. It's really weird that people in this day and age can be so willfully ignorant of technology.

And my coworkers and peers in my classes almost seem to brag about how overworked/tired/busy they are, as if it's a contest to see whose life is the most difficult.

I don't get it. I am perpetually tired. I'm poor. I'm always stressed out. I have no social life. I don't enjoy anything. I can't afford the medical procedures I need. The obstacles I'm facing seem insurmountable.

Is it going to be like this forever? I don't know how much more of this I can endure.

>>23446
Sorry to hear that anonymous. I'm in a similar situation. After scheduling time for uni courses, study, work, and sleep, I've got about 1 hour left per day to travel between home, work, and school, and eat, shower, etc. Yet my family still makes fun of me for not working hard enough, it's like they want to see me break down and fail miserably.

Post edited on 8th Apr 2018, 12:59pm

I am unhappy because I am too smart and mature to block out the sensations of my own mortality and the futility of my existence, but I am also too dumb and immature to get my life straight and find a purpose for it.

I tried being happy. I finally went to Japan after many years of wanting to go, had the best time of my life, and when I come back, everything fell apart. Now I'm barely hanging on and suicide really feels like the only option I have. Why did I try to be happy?

The few things I love always get taken away from me.

I feel like there's two contradictory desires pulling at my insides. On one hand, I hate people, on the other, I'm lonely. It's hard to explain it in more detail.

The majority of people, the way they act, talk and think, annoys me. I don't like it. I don't like people who are different from me. Besides that, I hate how other people are self-serving. I'm self-serving myself, but I hate it in others. I don't want to serve another person emotionally. I don't want to feed their ego or hunger for attention.

At the same time, I crave some of kind of social interaction, and I feel a deep dissatisfaction because of my lack of interpersonal relationships. I'm frustrated by my inability to connect with others past a superficial level.

When people are around I'm annoyed. When people aren't around, I feel longing. What the hell am I supposed to do?

>>23453
This perfectly encapsulates my situation, it's been so long I can't be sure if it was actually a post I made.

>>26755
>The majority of people, the way they act, talk and think, annoys me. I don't like it. I don't like people who are different from me.
I feel the same way.

Because working to try to survive and fix some of my problems is very stressful and tiring, and I don't seem to enjoy anything enough to devote my free time to it, except Her.

I think, for now, I have managed to ignore and put aside everything. I've failed school many times now and work was always too much for me, so I gave that up too a long time ago.
I hate being seen as a useless bother that needs to be maintained by other people just because I can't produce money for some faceless capitalists.
I hate that I'm only valued for the value I can create for others. Even among NEETs communism as an idea is shunned and I'm considered foreign to the culture and pushed away. I don't want to be a fatalist that asks for everything and does nothing for oneself... I want to change society so no one has to go through this again.

>>26839
>Even among NEETs communism as an idea is shunned and I'm considered foreign to the culture and pushed away
It's almost like NEETs enjoy commercial products and pornography or something...

>>26839
Not that I'm a fan of the status quo, but I prefer not to starve to death.

>>26839
>I hate being seen as a useless bother that needs to be maintained by other people just because I can't produce money for some faceless capitalists.
>I hate that I'm only valued for the value I can create for others.
That's a feature of Communism too, only your labour is for the community/Government not business and you don't get a say in what your labour is actually worth, From each according to his ability, to each according to his needs. And remember comrade, there is no unemployment in the Soviet Union.

>Even among NEETs communism as an idea is shunned and I'm considered foreign to the culture and pushed away.
Well yes, NEETs cannot exist in a communist society. Sure capitalism has flaws but it does not actually care if you have a job or not, if you can live without one weather that be through inheritance or family then it will leave you alone. Communism will not and in many ways was a reaction to that kind of thing in the first place.

>>26841
So do I, hence, you know.
>>26842
>From each according to his ability, to each according to his needs
The Soviet Union didn't operate according to this, by their own admission; this phrase shows, if anything, a rejection of wage labour/wageslavery. To Stalin, the present (at the time) mode of production operated as "From each according to his ability, to each according to his labour", as the USSR was not advanced enough and had to compete with the industrialised West, so they could not operate on the former. A revolution in the imperial core would look nothing like the Soviet experience.
It is clear to me you have not studied the topic more than skin-deep.

>>26844
>The Soviet Union didn't operate according to this
Because they weren't communist YET. They were "advanced socialists". The end goal was supposedly communism, but before that they needed everyone to become "responsible enough". You allude to this here
>the USSR was not advanced enough

How do you make people more responsible? Advanced socialism and "proper education". In practice, it was total bullshit. People became less responsible. Almost everybody was a thief, because nobody really owned anything, and that was the only way to get a lot of things. You either stole, or you were friends with someone who stole. The biggest thieves were the party members, who lived like aristocrats on everybody else's back and who's children got special treatment.

>had to compete with the industrialised West
Yeah yeah, that's how they justified blowing resources on massive amounts of foreign aid to increase their political power. And the military, and other means of showmanship. To show everybody how great Communism is.Instead of you know, actually providing for their own people. Things like plumbing in all the little villages. See where this got them.

>Stalin
Was a fucking moron who thought you could put crops as close together as possible and they would flourish because he liked the idea and some quack botanist, Trofim Lysenko, told him so. Hence why a country that used to make money exporting food, went into a horrible famine.

My parents are from that place. You'd have hard time finding people who hate communism more than they do. Communism, or "advanced socialism", whatever you want to call it, is a disease.

Post edited on 2nd Nov 2021, 3:32pm

>>26839
You're missing the first part of the basis of communism and socialism, like many people:
>From each according to his ability, to each according to his needs
The difference is, it's simple to get neetbux/tismbux now. In a communist society, you'd just get assigned a spot on the assembly line and you had better show up.
>>26844
The vital part is still the "from each according to his ability". It doesn't matter what you'll receive back in return, you're still going to have to work in a communist utopia. As in, have to.
If you want a more comfy society, look to feudalism. You'll never meet anybody you didn't grow up with, and you'll do the job your father did before you. Every day is the same as the last, forever. It'd be the most NEET like experience without actually being a NEET (and a society of NEETs just isn't sustainable).

>>26845
You have no idea what you're talking about, and I don't care about your takes on past pseudo-socialism, frankly.
Because of your poor attitude and smug ignorance, I won't bother responding to you point by point; the next poster is a better use of my time.
>>26846
>You're missing the first part of the basis of communism and socialism, like many people:
>>From each according to his ability, to each according to his needs
>The difference is, it's simple to get neetbux/tismbux now. In a communist society, you'd just get assigned a spot on the assembly line and you had better show up.
I can understand how this phrasing may trip someone up, but it's useless to separate this line from the next as they are inseparable. There is no coercion to labour in communism as there is no one to sell your labour to, no owner of capital to keep you on his leash. You are free to associate with any labour you are capable of doing for the satisfaction of doing it. How many NEETs don't try their hand at creating stuff not for profit but for self-improvement and spiritual growth? Labour is not the same as wageslavery, it can live on its own merit.
https://www.marxists.org/archive/marx/works/1875/gotha/ch01.htm
>In a higher phase of communist society, after the enslaving subordination of the individual to the division of labor, and therewith also the antithesis between mental and physical labor, has vanished; after labor has become not only a means of life but life's prime want; after the productive forces have also increased with the all-around development of the individual, and all the springs of co-operative wealth flow more abundantly – only then can the narrow horizon of bourgeois right be crossed in its entirety and society inscribe on its banners: From each according to his ability, to each according to his needs!
Critique of the Gotha Programme is a must-read for a better grasp of what communist hope to achieve and how.

>>26848
>I don't care about your takes on past pseudo-socialism, frankly
They're not my takes. They're mostly my parents'. And they know a hell of a lot more about Communism than you.

This is why your kind is hated. You never deal in reality. You're a deluded, self-righteous, naive larper. I'm glad you feel ostracized.

I wrote more in the past explaining why fantasy anarchist Communism can never work for a reason Marxist literature never addresses, human nature. I wrote that while I was visiting Moldova, my parents' home country.
>>/tat/656

Post edited on 2nd Nov 2021, 5:39pm

>>26849
Sorry if this hurts your feelings but your experience is completely worthless. It can't replace science. And if you think Marxist literature never addressed "human nature", you have not engaged with the science.

>>26851
Have you considered becoming a Scientologist?

For the sane people here, communism has some of its roots in dialectics, and a strain of it called Hegelianism. Philosophical nonsense that gained popularity in the 20th century among Marxists. It's no more scientific than Scientology, but they like to think it gives them legitimacy.

Post edited on 2nd Nov 2021, 5:58pm

>>26853
You're the communist here.

>>26852
Did... did you just call dialectics dielectrics, and imply Marxists were Hegelian? You're dumber than I thought. And calling Hegel "philosophical nonsense" puts your anti-intellectual brainworms on full public display, ha.

>>26854
Way to prove my point?

>>26852
Kek, why are you editing your post to be less embarrassing after being called out? Too pussy?

>>26858
You've deleted posts because you can't figure out the edit function.

>>26859
It's because the small added text triggers my OCD.

>>26844

>this phrase shows, if anything, a rejection of wage labour/wageslavery.
Yes, In Favour of literal slavery.

>To Stalin, the present (at the time) mode of production operated as "From each according to his ability, to each according to his labour", as the USSR was not advanced enough and had to compete with the industrialised West, so they could not operate on the former. A revolution in the imperial core would look nothing like the Soviet experience.
Yes because it was not actually a fully communist society, it was a socialist one that was trying to become communist.

>It is clear to me you have not studied the topic more than skin-deep.
It's clear to me that you just ignore anything you don't like.

>>26861
I already said the USSR deteriorated due to its economic backwardness before the revolution, try again.

>>26862
So? That's irrelevant, again you just ignore anything you do not like.

In a communist society, you are all slaves and there are no NEETs.

>>26863
It isn't irrelevant in the slightest... the USSR was never communist and could not possibly be communist on its own, and that it "worked towards it" does not matter if it deteriorated to the point of capitalist restoration way before 1991.

>>26864
...

As a very wise man has already said.

>Yes because it was not actually a fully communist society, it was a socialist one that was trying to become communist.

You keep ignoring things and then going on about things that are irrelevant. You were the one using the Soviet Union as an argument.

>The Soviet Union didn't operate according to this, by their own admission; this phrase shows, if anything, a rejection of wage labour/wageslavery. To Stalin, the present (at the time) mode of production operated as "From each according to his ability, to each according to his labour", as the USSR was not advanced enough and had to compete with the industrialised West, so they could not operate on the former. A revolution in the imperial core would look nothing like the Soviet experience.

The point that you keep glossing over is that again, in a communist society, you are all slaves and there are no NEETS, there is no getting around this and ignoring it will not help, deluding yourself like >>26848 will not help either, you don't need a degree in economics to see why that doesn't pass muster, just think about it for 10 seconds.

>>26865
You are very dumb. Nice talking to you.

(USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST)

>>26866
Well that is one way of admitting defeat I suppose.

>>26867
No one wins internet arguments. People just argue until one gets tired and leaves.

>>26868
True, I certainly can't see you winning any online arguments.

>>26845
>My parents are from that place. You'd have hard time finding people who hate communism more than they do. Communism, or "advanced socialism", whatever you want to call it, is a disease.
The atrocities committed by the USSR in Russia and Eastern Europe are undertold; it's horrifying. I'm so happy to learn your parents were able to escape.

Please, keep this political shit in /tat/.

>>26869
Not the anon you were fighting with. Just pointing out the obvious I guess.

I want complete freedom. Including freedom from inconvenience.

I'm happy, I'm a physics post-doc at a small Irish University. Have enough money to fill my house with weeb stuff and get to research lasers.

I am nothing

>>27021
Neat. Would be nice to have some more physics discussion in /navi/.

sometimes I hug myself because no one else will.

>>27028
I do this too. I'll either hug a pillow and pretend it's a beloved character hugging me. I've also gotten to a point where I'll just imagine the hug as well.

>>27028
I talk to myself because that's the only person who will listen.

>>27030
Half the reason I post on textboards is that I know it will at least be read by someone. Of course I try to make the post worthwhile and substantive on its own, but the egalitarian nature of the forum adds extra appeal.

>>27033
I've read your post, anon.

I'm 35, working a crappy job, I wasted my twenties as a hikkikomori, I can't seem to build a social life as an adult, the first woman I've liked in years is crazy as a shithouse rat, and I just generally feel like shit.

>>27044
You mean a 3DPD? That's not okay. Nope.

Ignoring that, I'm 35 too, and I also feel like shit. But I don't care about not having a social life or stuff like that, I haven't cared in so many years. I don't know how awful I would feel if I had to care about that too, considering I'm already completely fucked up without even thinking about it. I don't know what to make of it, though. Maybe it makes you worry because you're actually succesful in other facets of life, I don't know.

>>27045
>Maybe it makes you worry because you're actually succesful in other facets of life
When I was a hikki, I pretty much stopped hoping for anything better and I was okay with it. Then I got a job, and it wasn't as bad as I thought. I started to relearn some social skills and it seemed like I was making progress toward a Ford-driving life. But now I feel stalled. It's the hope that kills you.

>>27046
Personally I'd rather die than live the ford-driving life, since the supposed blissfulness of ford-driving life is only made possible by their ignorance. (That said, I'd choose death over my current tragic state anyhow so that's not saying much).

And as a corollary I don't think it's really possible for someone who's spent enough time here to try to live the path of a ford-driver, for doing so would be like trying to pull the veil over your eyes when you've already seen the truth. Far better to instead spend that time striving to become a happy neet instead, but sadly that too is still an elusive goal for many here.

>>27046
As someone in a similar spot who wasted most of my 20s as a hikki and is now in a fairly decent job, I still don't have really anything in terms of expectations for a social life

I mean I'm making money but I still find it incredibly hard to find common interests / points of discussion with people

My solace is basically just in feeling secure in the future financially and having enough money to travel whenever all the current bullshit blows over

>>27044
>crazy as a shithouse rat
I don't know what you mean by this, but if you genuinely like her I don't see no problem.
>>27045
For me it's the opposite. I don't care about social shit, and have ZERO interest in leaving the house, talking to women, friends, etc. The topic of conversation or personalities of the involved are irrelevant, I couldn't care less about talking to someone regardless of our tastes being similar or not, also I don't care about this tradwife shit that has infested imageboards. So in sense you could say I'm fine with being the friendless loser, however I am only fine with being a friendless jobless loser. If I were to be a friendless loser with an job I would be very pissed. I see no glory in being a working wizard. Right now I will have to go to a shit job that's absolutely unbearable, but this makes me go outside of the house. It's like normally I wouldn't trade the net for let's say going to the range, but since I can not be faithful to my home, I feel like going to the range and winding off a little. Think of this as the third law of newton, normally being all day on the pc is an absolute balance, but every negative interaction with the other world requires a positive interaction on my part to cancel the negative out.

>>27049
I don't think I get your point, you mean having to work makes you want you live less like a hikki? For me work makes me not to want to live the house even more.

>>27050
My point is that I like to be a shut-in, but if the circumstances prevent me from being a shut-in, I will do something else. Think of the anons who complain that they can't watch anime when they stopped being a hikki. It's this negative energy that you bring back home when you are forced to do a negative interaction with the outside world, so to neutralize this I feel like going out of my way to do a controlled interaction to neutralize the previous one and return at peace to my room.

Me liking loli and shota (although not exclusively) is causing me a fair amount of distress

>>27052
How come? I'm in the same boat, but it doesn't bother me. Afraid others will find out? Get good at hiding it.

If it's guilt, jerk off a whole lot more and that feeling will fade away eventually.

Post edited on 26th Jan 2022, 8:00am

>>27052
As long as you're not hurting anyone, I don't think you need to apologize for your fetishes. Let your freak flag fly. Or keep it to yourself if you care what others think.

>>27052
It's 2D, who the hell cares

>>27052
I adore loli publicly and I lost a friend for it. We used to be good buds, but he got a Twitter account and everything changed.
The message here, I think, is keep loving loli and don't get a Twitter account.

>>27056
Lolis before losers!

I don't think I'll ever find a person who I truly like. It's because of my expectations, but people keep disappointing me. Doesn't matter if it's reasonable or not, I can't like a person unless they meet some requirements. Sometimes I think I may have found someone, but inevitably it comes, that crushing sense of disappointment and aloneness when I realize "no they aren't it".

I don't know what to do about it. People, I value them based only on what they give me or how similar they are to myself. I don't value people intrinsically. I have social cravings like anybody, but I don't really like anyone.
Part of me says I should give up and resign myself to a life of dissatisfaction. Maybe even isolate myself on the internet too, to spare myself the constant alienation.

I don't know if I could stand that kind of isolation though. I hate people. I resent them for being different from me, and I get some sadistic catharsis from their suffering. Even a person like me yearns for a connection, and that's where the suffering comes from.

>>27113
well what kind of qualities do you like in a person? what requirements do they have to meet?

>>27116
Similar interests(computers, abstract strategy games, the kind of anime I like, etc.). Similar fetishes and sexual tastes. Not having tastes or opinions I strongly dislike. Basically, someone who shares my appreciations and hates.

Similar temperament would be a plus too. Even better if they're the reliable, stoic type, which I admire.

Post edited on 14th Feb 2022, 12:25pm

>>27117
That's asking quite a bit. I mean it's not wrong to want that, but as you get to know anyone in more detail you'll invariably find something that clashes. That's why I prefer anonymous textboards over chats anyhow, since you don't discover anything about their personality.

I fucking hate Valentine's Day. It just reminds me how happy other people are, and that I'll probably die alone.

>>27119
Holidays are there for overemphasizing what's normal in culture and manufacturers selling more vain products. When a holiday is devoid of its practices, it merely represents how much time has passed since the last personal event.

>>27119
The only reason I remember its existence is because some manga and anime will reference it. There's really nothing interesting about the day.
Though I'd kill for some homemade chocolate.

Anxiety, work stress, and sleep apnea. Work started to improve for about a week, but then a sudden email yesterday for my manager completely torpedoed my good feeling. David cracking the whip on us, and even though my performance is about 120%, they want everyone to be 124 or higher. Truthfully I don't think it's going to be that big of a deal but my anxiety tells me otherwise, and it's been making me miserable for months.

Chtist, was it really 6 years ago that I was a NEET for a while? Kinda wish I could go back, but the cost of goods has gone up so high.

>>27122
Sometimes I really miss the freedom of NEET life. Work and people stress me out.

Failed artist is a simple version, but even if I did have the ability, I don't even want anything beyond being left alone and to create what I wish to create, but because I'm a failure I can't do that. I'm still creating, don't want to stop, but no matter how many projects I do I'll always just have more, and none of them will pay the bills because my projects I make for me and no one wants to commission me anyways.

I'm being pushed into teaching, I work in schools now but kids give you little respect and empty praises. It's rare I get an opportunity to teach what I care about and feel in my element. Not only that but I'm also a constant fuck-up. I've actually gotten fired from 3 schools, only one of which I did something that I'd say I deserved termination for. But even though no failure is the same, I always wonder how I'm gonna fuck up next.

Even if I got the life of dreams* (that can be achieved in this cursed 3D world anyways), I don't even know if I'd be happy. I'm lonely, but I don't want to be bothered with company. I want the perfect laifu with waifu but I know I'm not perfect for her no matter how much I love her.

So really because I don't know what I want, everything feels like I'm not in control of everything, and I wish I was just not a fuck-up.

>>27189
>no one wants to commission me anyways
Show us your portfolio.

>>27190
With all due respect, I'd rather remain anonymous.

>>27190
With all due respect, I'd rather remain anonymous.

>>27191
You don't have an artist pseudonym?

>>27193
I do, but anonymous in the imageboard sense. I wouldn't post things like "This cursed 3D world" while having something that could be traced back to me, you know?

I appreciate the thought however.

>>27194
You probably already know this, but I feel it needs to be said: You'd make a lot more money if you were more shameless. I solicited you to advertise yourself, and you didn't take the offer. Even if I didn't pay you, someone here might have. I know for a fact a few people here have paid for commissions.

It might come back to this
>I don't even want anything beyond being left alone and to create what I wish to create

A shameless person proactively advertises themself(let alone if they're asked to) and draws whatever they're paid to. Regardless of skill, if you are a better artist than those paying you, and you're willing to follow others' directions, you can make money.

Post edited on 18th Mar 2022, 12:31pm

>>27195
This just isn't the thread for that, I didn't want to present myself here, I wanted to be vulnerable here. Sorry.

Any efforts at putting myself out there just feel futile, pissing in this ocean of piss we call an internet, so I'm just focusing on doing what I do and putting things out when they're done.

I think every year, usually around the start of spring, sometimes fall, I have a "revelation", where I decide to commit to some life change.

For a few months, I'll stick with it, but sooner or later, I fall back into bad habits. Most of my life seems spent in an unproductive stupor.

How many "revelations" have I had up until now? Has any of it stuck? Have I progressed in any meaningful way? Why do I keep being dragged back into the same old shit?

>>27228
What sort of life changes?

>>27229
Going to bed at a normal hour everyday. Exercising. Studying hard. Stuff like that.

>>27230
>Going to bed at a normal hour everyday. Exercising. Studying hard. Stuff like that.
I don't think those are very "bad" habits on the scale of bad habits, all things considered.

For the going to bed at normal hour, you probably already considered this but avoiding any bright or blue-ish light exposure 2 hours before you want to sleep (flux/nightshift-type stuff may not be sufficient, you may have to get a 1800k red-orange bulb and use that, spend the time reading or relaxing or something) can help. Also combine that with bright sun exposure right after you wake up to nudge the circadian rhythm back in the right direction.

I hate being sick all the time. I'm always so tired, and have little energy. I've been making progress in my life by going back to uni and I received an academic award last semester. Is there a way to increase energy? I have problems staying up past 10 hours.
I thought self-improvement would help with the energy, but I'm afraid that with aging, I'll be worst off without intervention.
Even without energy, I will continue to write, draw, exercise, and improve my life even if I collapse again, it still makes me sad that I can't put more effort into my life.

My siblings were bequeathed above average intelligence while this one is consigned to reside on the left side of the bell curve. Envy and other nasty facets of man is the icing on the cake.

The normals are conspiring to prevent my awakening. Due to their insolent meddling my powers have been retarded. At this rate I am going to be forced to commit seppuku before my plan is complete.

I hate how much of a disappointment I am. I can't talk to my dad at all out of shame. The family members I live with probably look down on me. I can hardly go outside before midnight unless I really have to because it feels like everyone knows how much of a loser I am. I never wanted to admit it before, but it causes me to panic. Maybe it's not visible, but even crossing paths with someone I try to think of what I should do or say in the off chance they say something.
I used to make people proud and achieved pretty great things just a few years ago. I think that only makes things worse. Even recently, my dad would say something along the lines of "I'm proud of you, son." It makes me feel sick to my stomach. I'm just a damn failure right now. Save it for when I finally do something.
I also have a lot of regrets, especially with everything after finishing school. I don't regret being a NEET. I do regret constantly telling myself I'll do this and that for two years. If I was just honest with myself, that I wasn't going to get a job or go to school, I'd be further along.
It feels like I've developed more in the past couple months than I have in years before that.

I don't know how many times I've said this, but I have to say it again. I am an evil person. I don't care about others. I'd sacrifice them for personal gain without much hesitation. Also, I dislike those who are different from me. The more different, the more I dislike them.

At the same time, I have an uncontrollable urge to interact with others. I can't help myself. I can't feel content in total isolation. I feel helpless and alone and believe nothing can change that. There's no conclusion to this post. There's no answers out there.

>>27323
Have you talked to a doctor about this? It sounds like you might have a sociopath mental disorder which they might be able to help treat.

>>27324
No. I don't have access to such things.

>>27323
You're normal, and most people only pretend to care about others ("virtue signaling" is what I guess it's called nowadays). We're tribal people, and people will not think twice about throwing someone outside their tribe under the bus.

It's just that people have different selectivities for what they consider to be their tribe. In your case it's highly specific, so you effectively end up being a lone tribe of n=1.

People in my life have constantly brought me down, mocked me, abused me. And now as an adult, they expect me to integrate with the same people that made my life hell.
"Why don't you talk to anyone? Don't you want friends?" As if they weren't the kind of person to reject me back then if I dared to open my mouth. What the fuck?
There's nothing wrong about not living by the standards imposed onto you by them. It just stresses me that they're constantly fucking at it, begging and pleading.
I think I'd be happier as a hermit, away from other judgmental people.

It's really fucking stupid, but I still sometimes drink myself to sleep thinking about how I wiped my old hard drive that had over a decade worth of my history on the internet saved on it. It's something that I can't go more than a couple days thinking about at least once and it sours the whole day.

>>27330
What sort of history? Do you mean browser history, or saved files etc.?

>>27331
Lot of media, mostly images, and a lot of random photoshops/websites/writing I'd made over the years since middle school when I first had good internet access. I've lived my whole life online so this harddrive was essentially a record of my life, though admittedly one that only I could understand. It had everything I'd saved/made from 2005 until 2018. Was a small archive of the old internet even without the sentimental value it had to me.
It feels stupid writing about it but it truly fucked me up losing that thing.

>>27332
The writings and other personal things seem hard to replace, but surely a lot of the photos videos and so on you can track down again can't you? And if it means that much to you, have you looked into data recovery?

>>27332
If you haven't used it since then, and you didn't explicitly zero out free space, there's a decent chance non-plaintext data (images, etc.) are still available. But I'll assume that you've tried recovery tools and they were fruitless...

Post edited on 27th Apr 2022, 8:44pm

>>27334
>>27333
I chose very thorough settings on the tool I was using unfortunately. I was supposed to target the very old and busted laptop ssd I was going to use as a temporary OS drive. Couldn't recover anything.
>surely a lot of the photos videos and so on you can track down again can't you?
Some stuff I did hunt down specifically, other things I've seen here and there and saved as I recognize them. Getting my hands on some of the more obscure shows/games I had was a bit tough but I did manage to find much of what I'd lost on that front. It's just not feasible to hunt down the images unfortunately, which are what I miss most. Too many hyper-specific things and just too much in general honestly. Well over 30k images were on that drive, there's no way it's all making it back even if I went on a best-stuff-only basis.

My sister is pregnant again. Her and her boyfriend are unwilling to work, so my mom has to take care of them and their kid. If I say anything about it, whoever will say that I can't say anything because I'm a NEET and no different from them.
I say that's fucking bullshit. I don't leave messes for other people to clean up, I take care of my shit, I'm not going to have a bunch of children I can't support like some third-world nigger.
I'm worried I'll end up getting forced out of the house or something. There's not enough space even for the one kid they have now. If I get forced out, I'll have to move in with my dad and get a job... Even if I didn't, my dad's 3DPD has kids about my age and so I'd be on full display to strangers. What's the point of having a home if you have to deal with strangers constantly?
Goddamn it. Normalfags ruin everything. I just wanted to live a life of peace and seclusion, damn it. Fuck. I'm scared. I'm absolutely terrified that I'm going to get fucked over like this. I'm finally feeling pretty good about life, and it's just going to get shattered.

>>27361
>If I get forced out, I'll have to move in with my dad and get a job
That's sounds preferable to staying.

>>27361
Honestly in that situation i'd probably rather just work, part time if you can get away with it
Having a couple with child hanging around your place constantly sounds awful. Women basically get a free pass if they have a kid to never have to worry about anything ever again but I'm surprised your mom tolerates her boyfriend doing nothing.
I say that as someone who was a NEET for over 5 years, idk,
Perhaps I'm blessed in that my family basically always left me alone when I needed it. These days I just work from home and don't deal with anyone so I suppose that's something you could try and aim toward if it's possible for you.

>>27362
Yeah, and depending on where he lives, he might be able to rent a place, work for eight months, be a NEET for the next three or four, work again, be a NEET, and repeat. It's not ideal, but also not too bad.

>>27363
>Honestly in that situation i'd probably rather just work
Working just feels so pointless. I don't really have any wants, my basic needs are met as is. If I worked, I'd just spend it all on stupid stuff. It'd also require me to be around other people, and I'm just so tired of people. I'd rather be here where I can just keep to myself and do my own thing. No need to be polite and feign interest in other people and what they say.
I could go on and on about why I'm a NEET. Every reason's another shitty excuse.
>Having a couple with child hanging around your place constantly sounds awful.
You get used to it. The baby isn't that noisy. My sister and her boyfriend though? Another story.
>I'm surprised your mom tolerates her boyfriend doing nothing.
She constantly bitches about it. If she tells him to get a job or get the fuck out, he and my sister threaten to never let her see her granddaughter again. It's an obnoxious situation all around.
>Perhaps I'm blessed in that my family basically always left me alone when I needed it.
They generally ignore me unless they have something to bitch about. Everyone vents to me because I'm not an asshole. Sometimes my sister will accuse me of being a drug addict or something behind my back, but I haven't done anything like that since I was in school. No money for it anyway.

I could complain all night, but I'd rather not. I'll just consider my options going forward.

>>27365
I think the main point is being able to live on your own the way you want and support yourself. Also, it's possible to get work at home jobs. They're a lot more common now thanks to covid.

>>27365
>Working just feels so pointless. I don't really have any wants, my basic needs are met as is.
You captured this well. Basically the only reason I remain alive is that at the moment the effort required to do so being a neet is minimal enough. Putting in any amount of non-trivial effort, e.g. "rent a place, work for eight months" seems rather pointless unless you dedlude yourself into thinking you have some grand goal in life (which is what I assume 99% of normalfags end doing).

>>27366
I have no skills and my only work experience is a couple months as a janitor. I really don't have much going for me.
>>27367
In a case of life or death, I'd probably work. Wouldn't cry if I died though. I'm still young. I still have fun. This is a case of work or shit.

I hastily took responsibility for an imageboard earlier this year. It's not a big handful or anything but I kind of hate it. Moderating sucks. I wake up every few hours to make sure there isn't child porn or something. It takes the fun out of posting as well, not that I wasn't ready to move on from the board in the first place. I just didn't want to see it die the way it seemed it would.
I've relaxed a bit in the past months. I don't care to expand or anything. I guess I'm just hoping it'll die on it's own. No guilt for taking it away from the couple of regulars that have been around for probably longer than I have...
I'll see if I can pass off my ownership to someone. It's not like I'm doing anything with it.

>>27423
Welcome to my world buddy!

>>27424
Do you ever regret it Tohno?

Post edited on 19th May 2022, 8:12pm

>>27425
From what I've gathered, tc is one of the few positive things in Tohno's life.

>>27425
I'd be lying if I said there haven't been times. It's been stressful at times, got banned from paypal because of TC, lost some friends because of it, made some others because of it. Probably missed out on a few opportunities because of it too. Keeping the peace has been hard, that's for sure. In the past people would keep pushing issues that would divide the user base and expect me to pick sides, I'd try to avoid that most of the time but either way it'd hurt the community all the same.
I guess I haven't lost too much money on the site at least. I'm not making a cent off it, but it's not as expensive to maintain as some might think. In the end it's all I've really got though. I can't really see myself hanging out in too many other places. I've tried joining other communities and rarely like what I find there. The internet has been ruined by normies, and there's just not many places left to turn to anymore. For better or worse this is my home.

>>27427
Tohno, this place is truly a time capsule of the old internet. This community while sometimes flawed reminds me of happier times of my youth. I miss the old imageboard4free & *chan cultures, but they're long dead.
As I get closer to my 30s, I realize that we're a decreasing minority on the internet. The internet is normie-centric and it's so hard to find websites that have people like us on it now.
Don't ever close Tohno-chan, I will buy it from you and keep it running until I die if you ever lose interest.

>>27427
For what it's worth, TC has quickly become my favorite site. It just feels right. Even something as small as the caption on the homepage makes me feel right at home. Thanks for sticking around.

I need to get a damn hobby. I suck at putting effort into things because I've never had to before. I've always gotten by through talent and the ability to follow simple directions.
I like a lot of things, but it's hard to stick with em.

2D isn't real, or more accurately, I'll never be 2D.
You watch anime.
You read manga.
You play visual novels.
But it's never enough.

I'm terrified. I'm so scared and it feels like there's nothing I can do about it. Too scared to do anything, afraid what will happen if I don't.
It's easy to fool yourself and make excuses, but it doesn't change the facts.
Even though I've identified this issue, I have no clue what to do now. I've hesitated for too long and I'll probably continue to do so until I don't have the option.
Who knows. No amount of writing will change anything.

How do you deal with loneliness TC? It's been months since I've spoken any friends, and it seems harder and harder to scratch that itch. Now everything is super shitty and getting worse by the day and it's hard to talk about anything anywhere. I get an occasional bit of catharsis, but that usually involves doing reckless, pointless things only for things to go back to how they normally are after an hour or so. In my room I'm constantly stressed out over nothing and it only gets worse outside of it. I can't eat a lot of things without throwing up. I can't enjoy things without thinking about it all.
I just don't know about anything anymore. I'm not doing alright and I can't seem to do anything about it.

>>27553
Accept it rather than fight it, that's all.

>>27553
You get used to it over time. It's both a blessing and a curse in that you'll numb yourself to any negative feelings but that mutes positive feelings as well. Any poignant emptiness just gets replaced with a persistent bleh, a tired weariness of it all just waiting until nonexistence. Maybe you can watch a show or two and feel a few sparks of happiness or experience a flash of emotion, but things quickly normalize. Or maybe you listen to a song you used to like and rekindle a shadow, experiencing merely the memory of joy.

And now you'll be tasked with the issue of how to spend the time. When feelings are muted, you never really have any motivation to do anything. Maybe you drift about online, hit cmd-r on TC once every dozen minutes seeing if there's anything to do. Interestingly when both sadness/despair and joy are gone, annoyance is still left.

>>27555
That's my usual routine, but sometimes it's just too hard to ignore. Sometimes I'll say "FUCK!" and run around outside all night, other times I just feel too hopeless to do anything at all.
I feel bad though, I dump my emotional outbursts here too often. I was going to delete my post now that I've calmed down, but it's a bit late for that.
I think I'll hoard some VNs so it'll be easier to find something to take my mind off of everything when I need it.

>>27553
I don't deal with it, I appreciate it.
I'm happy when I'm alone, specially if it's more than one day. Sadly that doesn't happen too often.
Everyone will tell you you shouldn't be like that, you're supposed to feel bad and lonely, but after many years I can see it doesn't work like that for me and I don't think they can convince me of the contrary.

>>27559
>I'm happy when I'm alone, specially if it's more than one day. Sadly that doesn't happen too often.
This sentence implies you're in fact not alone at all, anon, at least not the type of alone >>27553 seems to be talking about.

>>27560
No, I'm not, that's the problem.
I've been in the past, for long times, felt so much better. Even when I spent weeks without hearing my own voice, those days were a blessing compared to the present and I miss them fondly.
But if your point is, "you say that because you haven't experienced true loneliness", and I have heard that so many times, well, if I have experienced the opposite and it sucks so much I consider that enough conclusive evidence. If years of living in society have made feel so miserable I'm not gonna think living outside society is something I should feel fear of.
Like I said, at this point I'm not gonna be convinced of certain things, I've lived enough. When you grow older and have spent all your life doing what others told you was the best, with terrible results, you conclude you're the only one who knows what's better for yourself.
Sure, "humans are social creatures". And humans have two arms and two legs and can eat peanuts. But there's humans who are born with one leg, one arm or none, or they are alergic to peanuts and can die if they eat them. There's always exceptions.

I've developed an obsessive-compulsive urge to ruin anything I grow attached to. If I find a manga I like, I get the immediate urge to jump to the end spoil it for myself. If I find a game I like, I'll immediately spoil it by searching online for all the secrets or broken elements of the game, thereby ruining the chance for me to truly experience things for myself. If I so much as catch myself simply ENJOYING MYSELF or being at ease, I'll immediately look up something written by someone like Ted Kaczynski or some other critic of modern society and force myself to feel guilty and irresponsible for daring to be happy in my current life. It's a legitimate reflex at this point, and I don't understand why it's happening to me. I feel like I've been trained to believe that if I hate something and it makes me miserable, then partaking in it is the only mature and morally correct thing to do, and that if I'm enjoying myself and having fun at all, then I'm being immature and incorrect.

I wonder how things would have been if I took my education a little more seriously. Despite being in the top percentile nationwide on a certain test and otherwise being a high achiever, I was a pretty typical delinquent. Skipping class, making poor decisions, all that good stuff.
Here I am, a few years later. Just a hikikomori. People usually say it's not too late for me, and they'd be right. Unfortunately, things aren't that simple. My obstacles might be purely psychological, but they're still there.
I also guess I don't give a damn. Everything I was interested in in terms of a career was just me wanting to help other people. Now I'm jaded and bitter. Despite doing my best to help others, nobody ever returned the favor.

I turn 21 today. The most I've done with my life is work for a month. I know I'm still young and can't compare to the rest of TC in wasting time, but it feels bad all the same. What's worse is, I wouldn't really mind so much if there wasn't a ton of pressure to go out and do something. It won't make me feel better and at best I can buy pointless stuff that doesn't really help me do anything I couldn't before.
Sure, I might be able to move out, but if I'm going to work, I'd really rather save and invest the money while living at home. Still, I'd rather not work at all. It all feels so pointless. Money doesn't make me happy. I'm plenty satisfied just relaxing, enjoying (pirated) things at my own speed.
I also sometimes think of what people around my age are doing. Again, it makes me feel like I'm wasting time, but then again, I don't think college is the right choice and I don't have connections or experience for a decent job.
God, I hate even thinking of this shit. Why can't I get paid to stay inside and away from the general public? It's a win-win, really.
Well, whatever. I'm glad I can post on TC and infect it with my youth and foolishness.

>>27592
I'll be 21 myself in a few weeks and am attending college. I just don't want to be dependent on my parents and, you know, they grow older and die eventually.

>>27593
Good for you. I have an okay job lined up for now to take care of some important non-essential expenses that should cover me for a long time. Maybe I could even save some money for a nice vacation.
I don't mind being dependent on my parents, as I feel it's better than relying on an employer. Sure, it might not be the best ever, but at least I get to take it easy.
I'll probably change my mind in some years anyhow. I'm in no rush as everyone else is already pretty far ahead. For now I'll enjoy my VNs.

>>27592
I wonder what the age ranges for users of TC are, perhaps broken down by lurker/reader vs frequent poster. I'd guess there's a large bucket from 20-25, and perhaps a longer tail from 25-35.

>Why can't I get paid to stay inside and away from the general public
IT/software development work is roughly the closest thing you can get. If you play your cards right, you can end up in a job where you work entirely from home. It'll probably still feel like a waste of time because of how pointless most tech-related jobs are ("Let's A/B accessibility options for cripples in czechoslovakia!") but at least you can roughly maintain the same schedule you had before. It's not a good time to get into it now though, because of the recession etc.

>>27595
I think the average is at least 25 years old. I don't really mind. I really like TC for it. If I say something wrong, usually I'll be corrected by someone more knowledgeable and experienced. I'm very grateful for that. It gives me a sense of belonging I never really had before. Thank you for your patience. I'll be sure to pass it on to the next generation of losers on TC or, god forbid, it's successor.

>>27597
Yeah 25 sounds about right for the average, although I'd be more interested in the actual distribution (or at least median & 75th percentile). You're absolutely right on the breadth of information people have here though – there's pretty interesting in-depth discussion on almost every board, ranging from otaku interests, to exploration of tragic human conditions, to technical/scientific content.

Either there are enough lurkers that together they cover a reasonably comprehensive span of knowledge, or it's just a few regulars who happen to have in-depth knowledge on a broad set of topics.

>>27598
Yeah, it's pretty easy to generate discussion. I do think the willingness to share knowledge is a great help toward any sort of discussion. After all, if everyone is expected to know everything, it's pointless to talk about anything.
From my own experience, there's plenty of one off posts on smaller imageboards, but the best posts come from those that have been around a while. That's mostly because it seems most people make one post and never come back. Not that I'd know anything about TC's situation in particular.

Met a total sweetheart in an online chatroom and we ended up chatting on daily.

Things were cute and warm for a while until she turned dead cold on me for some reason, later saying I'm suffocating and that she needs space and then taking it back.

In the cute and warm phase, I also invited her to various festivals and she refused everything.

Things warmed up a bit again until she asked me about something I said a year ago about me using an AI to vent to it my darkest thoughts and practice social skills and courtship. Tone was pretty condescending.

Anyway, we continue chatting in a familiar tone for a while until I later found out she is now with some other guy and not even trying to hide it. Of course, since then, she's been ignoring me almost completely.

Around the same time, my fishing buddy died and now I'm all lost and confused.

My work life is also suffering because of this. I'm lost.

Post edited on 12th Aug 2022, 3:15pm

>>27602
>Met a total sweetheart on an online chatroom and we chatted on a daily
This is where you fucked up. And she's not a sweetheart, she's a typical bitch who uses different men for different purposes while feining intimacy with all of them. Maybe she doesn't do it conciously, but yadda yadda it's always the same story.

Point is, I'm sorry anon, but you're an idiot for getting into this situation. Learn from your mistake and move on. Spend your time on literally anything besides feeding a woman attention and validation.

Post edited on 11th Aug 2022, 10:57am

>>27605
I accidentally edited my old post so I did my best to reconstruct it.

Thank you for your wisdom and closure, anon. I will try my best to move on.

>>27602
Been there before. It's best to just move on and try again. Also, women online have little sympathy or compassion I've found. To then it's like you're not even a real person. It's pretty much impossible to compete with people they meet offline. If you really want to get involved with someone, I know it's hard, but you're going to have to do it offline. It's the only way you're going to form real connections with most people. Trying to do it online is a one in a million chance of working.

>>27607
Thank you for your insight. My "rival" is also online but, in the end, that doesn't matter anymore. Reflecting upon your words, it's true that all friendships that matter in my life were formed out there, in the real world.

Perhaps I should stop hanging out there altogether and try something different with my life.

>>27606
The edited version sounds even worse. Leaving that place is a good idea.

>>27602
I'd join the other ones replying, I had the same experience many times before too. They clearly wanted something unspecified and when it seemed like they won't get it, they turned dead cold in a second. Criticizing the same things she used to praise in me, changing in attitude practically overnight. I think females may be better in navigating the social landscape so what seemed like warm and attached to me/us was nothing but some kind of a game.

>>27602
My condolences about the loss of your fishing buddy.

Your best bet is to move on. Even if chatroom relationships don't work out, Tohno-chan is always here for you.

>>27610
>females may be better in navigating the social landscape
And that's a bad thing. The only appealing thing about women which they have a monoploy on is their body. On the internet, they don't even have that.

I don't know why I am alive or what I want to do.

>>27613
The notion that you have to "do" anything is an idea put into you by society in order to continue itself. The next-to-ideal life would be to sit there and do nothing (the ideal one is nonexistence, but that's not possible for many).

>>27610
Who knows, really? Deep inside, I'm afraid that I may have made some kind of mistake in the way I present myself that completely killed it. Maybe things just followed their natural course, irrespective of me? Maybe that guy is just that much better than me. After all, we are all people and simply want the best for ourselves. Maybe it was just on a whim. I know I'm nothing that special. Maybe this kind of self-reflection may be harming my already brittle self-esteem.

>>27611
Thank you. Yesterday was my first day here and I'm glad I stumbled upon this place. It's pretty fun. He was a really one-of-a-kind person. One of the kindest men I've ever met, I knew nothing about fishing and he gave me one of his old rods and taught me how to fish, just because I asked him out of the blue. We spent many mornings/evenings together talking about nothing and everything while waiting for bites. He will always be a part of my inner world and he will be dearly missed.

>>27613
I was there too, at some point. The key thing to remember is that there is no one you have to justify being alive to. Not even yourself.
What to do is a little more complicated. What to do today? Tomorrow? Rest of your life?

Post edited on 12th Aug 2022, 3:39pm

My parents made me visit a psychologist. I managed to change the subject, so they agreed on a hypothesis I made in a sudden compromisable manner, the compromise being that I'm depressed for not taking medication. The psychologist said that depression is a serious illness and that as a patient I should take the medication seriously, even if risks are involved. Rather than from inside, the big problems are from outside, every source of noise and light which are themselves forms of violence against a sensual being. If I didn't have to make memories outside but would have stayed inside, focusing on cultivation of mental abilities, I wouldn't bother with even worse inclinations.

>>27623
>I should take the medication seriously, even if risks are involved.
The "chemical imbalance" hypothesis is flawed (well I suppose it's true in that the brain is a bag of chemicals, but believing that increasing/decreasing serotonin is the root cause is asinine). I'm not in a position to give any advice (especially since "every source of noise and light... are forms of violence" seems to imply hypersensitivity to stimulus) though.

So we've finally found a buyer for our inherited property but there have been some resistance from my sibling and their family who is currently residing in the property. The place itself have been a tough sell being worn down and not favorable location wise. The price we are currently offered is reasonably decent under current circumstances but there is currently a road being constructed that would see our remote property be accessible to an adjacent affluent area. We are currently debating whether we should make the sale with the price on offer or to wait for the construction to complete in the hope that it would bump up the price considerably. I've never dealt with a property sale before so I don't know how much a new road would increase the value of our home but there is also a concern whether we will get a better or matching offer if we let this chance pass and if it would take yet a long while before we could find another prospective buyer. This is all coupled with the animosity between me and my sibling with regard to the sale of our property, being the tenant, they are understandably less than enthusiastic about selling. Dealing with the sale of a property is so mentally exhausting, not to mention it being an inheritance. I hate myself for putting myself in such a spot that I am desperately contingent on said inheritance. As of late, I've come to think that I'd rather not have to deal with the property anymore, I wish I could simply end it and not have to deal with it to any further extent.

I'm a college student. I live in an apartment with 2 bedrooms, each shared by 2 people. My roommate is a random person. We don't talk much.

I feel alone. Completely isolated. And it bothers me. Passing people on the street when I'm going to class or to get food puts me on edge. I guess I'm afraid of being attacked or verbally abused, if I had to give a reason why, not that that's ever happened to me. I've been doing this for three years now already, so I've gotten more used to it, but I still dislike it a lot.

I also hate crowds. Standing at the bus stop, squeezed like a sardine on the bus. It's so mentally draining. I hate it.

Passing women around my age, or just seeing them from a window, is even worse in a way. Many feelings go through my head. If I'm attracted to them, I get aroused(I'm not a 2-d purist or anything). Then I get jealous because I know there's no way I can become intimate with this person. And then I realize it's not worth the effort, because I'm only interested in them for their body. Personality-wise, I already know I wont like them, and that we aren't compatible. They'll get older and less attractive too. Talking to them, cajoling them, trying to keep their attention and get them to like me, why go through all that when what I really want is just to strip them down and have my way with them? It doesn't make sense. I really don't care about them as people.

On the other hand, I probably have social anxiety and am too intimated to even try getting a date or however all that bullshit works, so maybe those are just excuses. But it doesn't change the end result, which is a sense of dissatisfaction. Not being able to talk about this with anyone is also frustrating. I feel completely alienated and like nobody in real life would understand or want to understand these feelings, let alone be able to help me with them.

I lived alone in my parent's house for a week this summer. I was fine with it. My mood was a lot better than it is now. So it's not just being alone that disturbs my peace of mind to this extent, it's also being surrounded by other people. Seeing them, hearing them, even when I'm in my bedroom. I hate it. I wrote in this thread before, by the way >>27323

>>27676
Consider joining an old-school Catholic church (hard to find these days) or an Orthodox one.
I'm not being facetious.

>>27677
>I'm not being facetious.
Then please explain why you recommend that.

Post edited on 9th Sep 2022, 6:10am

Shit's fucked and I can't fix it. I'm not sure how long it'll be before it's fixed. Might be time to quit for now while I'm ahead, until I can handle things myself.

Because I'm a bad person getting what I deserve.

>>27678
In short, attending a smaller parish's services might alleviate your loneliness while also avoid overloading your introverted mind. With one common goal in mind, it could also provide some spiritual relief, even if you're not a believer (like myself).
This is merely a suggestion, and unless the church satisfies the criteria I mentioned in my first post, it's probably not worth it.
Good luck.

nothing is fun anymore. i have no interest in doing anything

Born into a family rife with mental illness which not only caused me to develop them because genetics, but also have to deal with everyone around me being mentally ill. My parents both have depression and sleep issues, often would not get out of bed until the afternoon so I would have to be left with just my autistic older brother with anger issues until then, without any food.

My life is a perpetual cycle of failure and I have absolutely no control over anything in it. I know I have absolutely no future except suicide. Suicide is the only way I will go out, excluding some sort of unforeseen catastrophe like a car accident or randomly getting shanked.

I cannot feel love, not towards anyone else, not to myself, and not by anyone else. I have never felt loved and I do not think I will ever find it. Who would love someone as dysfunctional as me? I cannot even remember how long it has been since I brushed my teeth, I am underweight, short, ugly, dirty, mentally ill and disgusting in general. Would anyone want me?

I have some sort of mental health issues as mentioned previously, too many symptoms to list here, however the doctors are the ones who care the least. I cannot get any genuine mental help. Not that it would change, but to be honest all I want is a diagnosis. I just want to understand what it is. What exactly is wrong with me? That is all I want to know.

And finally, my life is currently in a gutter that I absolutely cannot crawl out of if I tried. Something happened that is the killing blow to me. I do not feel like stating what it is but because of it, I essentially have nothing left. I am someone with nothing to lose, but cannot gain anything, except peace via suicide.

To name the most pressing matters, there are more, but those are the main issues.

>>27726
Posts like this make me worry so much about my younger brother. He's going to be 17 soon, and he's even more dysfunctional than I was at that age, somehow. Both of us have Aspergers and his is worse than mine was at that age, and I worry what will happen to him while I'm away.

>>27727
What country do you live in? He might be able to live off disability payments.

I'm not unhappy anymore.
I don't feel anything anymore.
I just live in my own world of black and white, detached from everything else.

Nothing is all that satisfying lately. Even trying new things isn't doing much for me.

>>27729
>>27733 (not sure if these two are same person)
I really like the image. I don't have anything else to add, I haven't been content/satisfied myself for about a decade now, I think that's just the way life is and everyone else is deceiving themselves to varies degrees of success.

Another day to be persecuted. This form is so weak, and the particular constitution I have inhereted is more so than average. It feels like I spend all my time fighting with the world, but I also have to fight the traitor within at the same time. It is like I am piloting a mech trying to defeat an almighthy kaiju but the controls are extremely imprecise and so it just jerks from one position to another. How I long for solitude...but the many would prefer to spend their days performing their social rituals in order to continue their pathetic existence and I am expected to participate as long as this form is maintained.

I can half-recall the words of the dao de ching that having a body is the greatest hindrance one can bear. How to remove the influence of the body? Perhaps it is only death that can achieve this. Death can't be thought of as cessation of existence, because non existence does not exist. It is an impossibility that something should cease to exist. When we observe a death it is the disappearance of the animating force that strikes one must vividly, although the foolish masses interpret it as a cessation. It is helpful to keep in mind the idea that matter can not be created nor destroyed, but it can change form. This is a conclusion that was established very early in the history of philosophy, and still survives to this day in the scientific explanation of the world.

So it when death is examined empirically death can be thought of as a disappearence, and when examined rationally it can be thought of as a conversion. Both of these outcomes seem satisfactory to me. But I still have to deal with the desire that keeps me chained to this state of existence. There are still other options that I am considering. Can I continue in the current manner, trading pain for pleasure and pleasure for pain? Or is there some occult force that will lend me assistance? These questions circle my mind consantly. I am sure that Kaiju finds it very amusing to witness such an inept pilot.

>>27744
>Death can't be thought of as cessation of existence
The important part of you goes away. A log of wood is brown. Throw it in a fire for long enough and it wont cease to exist, but it will not be brown anymore.

>>27745
The stuff that made it brown burns as smoke and scatters across existence. Much like the soul, really. Even if the log becomes ash, the smoke and the warmth of the fire have got to go somewhere.

>>27746
>Much like the soul
I believe consciousness is an emergent property, not a thing in itself. So in my view, what allows you to think and feel and perceive, can disappear from existence. Unstructured energy and matter can't do those things.

Post edited on 16th Oct 2022, 9:43am

>>27745
>The important part of you goes away.
As >>27747 mentioned, at least in my view there's no mind/body/soul divsion, the body is all there is and so if you stop responding to stimulus 'you' are dead for all intents and purposes. Note that there is a subtle difference between death of ego/sense-of-self and physical body death, latter clearly necessitates the former, but it's possible to have the former without the latter. Based on annecdotes this can occur with a near-death experience the body doens't fully recover from. Also note that a person can never experience his own death (since death by definition necessitates the cessation of the observer itself), he only experiences the sensations in the moments up to it (either painful or not depending on how you die).


> Even if the log becomes ash, the smoke and the warmth of the fire
Reminds me of that zen quote "where does a flame go when it's extinguished" which has 2 parts, namely that the flame itself is nothing special and just stops when combustion ceases, and that more generally other flames still exist; they're not the "same flame" but it's the same process.

>>27748
>this can occur with a near-death experience
I've read that these experiences might be a result of lingering electrical activity in the brain. So, your body is clinically dead, but the part responsible for thinking has its own, separate death throes.

Post edited on 16th Oct 2022, 12:40pm

>>27749
Yes, that is my belief as well. Observation of the brain's electrical activity at death, particularly in the default mode network would be a ripe area for further research, but unfortunately it's hard to do for obvious reasons.

>>27053
terrible advice i think that'd just make you feel even more guilty
i think that the thing is that instead of trying to cover up the guilt with temporary feelings of lust anon should just realize that theres no fuckin reason to feel guilty in the first place
its useless to feel guilty because as long as theres no harm being caused in the physical world theres no actual reason to feel guilty
guilt is a reaction to doing something wrong to someone but because loli affects absolutely nothing in the material realm its a waste of time to feel any kind of guilt for it

>>27753
>theres no fuckin reason to feel guilty in the first place
Yes. I think that every outcast has a need to be initiated into the school of Stirner in order to be able to think properly.

>>27754
I was surprised when I read his book that pretty much everything there was something I had once thought of myself, but better articulated. I'm surprised so many outcasts still cling to the approval and morality of normal people.

>>27755
In my case there is multiple drives that contradict each other. Part of me desires the approval of others, however I don't have the conversational skills to get anywhere with this inclination so this desire could not be fulfilled and I spent many years in misery. I have to supress that part of me and replace it with a another part, one that is more self centered. Plato's idea of the hierachy of souls from the republic helps me with this, not specifically the way that he presents it but just the idea that there are multiple parts of a soul and that you can choose which part that you want to rule and which parts to be ruled.

I suspect that most people's inclinations are more in harmony with each other and with their enviroment and that this is how normalfags seem to just effortlessly breeze through life whilst it is all a big struggle for me. My inclinations clash with the average system of social relations and on top of that my inclinations contradict one another so I am not only struggling with external forces but also internal. Whilst I am trying to defend against the onslaught of normalfags there is also a traitor within who tries to open the gates. Not only do I have to war against the world but also war against myself. It truly is exhausting.

Life doesn't seem to get better after neetdom. I thought the source of my misery was due to living in my mom's basement. Now I'm stressed with all these responsibilities and I can't just sit down and enjoy my hobbies anymore. I wish I spent more time playing vidya than shitposting or talking to "friends" on Skype. Life is always tiresome... I hate that I'm still drinking to sleep despite improving my life, even if only by normie standards

>>27758
Life is just inherently dreary. If you're a neet you have endless time to do whatever you want, but you soon reach a saturation point where you get bored. If you wageslave then your only hope in life is waiting until the weekend to be able to enjoy your hobbies again.

>>27756
>hierarchy of souls
Switch souls with parts of the mind/conscious and that seems similar to internal family systems model which is reasonably well accepted.

Go to church.

I hate being around people. Individually I can tolerate them, as it's unfair to expect much from the average person and it isn't likely that they'll be around long anyway. The issue is being in or around a group. It makes the differences to scathingly apparent. It is a really harsh reminder that you don't belong, that you're a complete weirdo even among a pretty large sample size. Previously, such thoughts could be mostly ignored as friendly conversations and the like were out of sight and out of mind.
Being left out sucks, even if you didn't really have any interest in participating. It isn't even as though I didn't try to be friendly, but I got shut down very fast each time. That's probably for the best. Any assumption they might make is probably more tolerable for them than my reality. There probably aren't many questions that would have an answer that sits well with anyone.

>>27758
That's literally my life.
I reached a point where I only can find the will to keep working in the hopes of being a NEET again. It's a weird thing, when you do all you were told, after so much struggle you "succeed" and then you feel more miserable than ever.

I'm a fucking alien.
My brain runs on a fundamentally different operating system than everyone else. No one really makes sense and trying to understand others is torture, the cognitive dissonance is like dragging my brain through glass. I've spent years trying to work out what's wrong with me. Decades, depending on how you count it. Years trying to find somewhere to belong. Years trying to find just one single person I could genuinely communicate with.

It seems obvious that I have to be broken. Since the problem is with literally everyone else, then it almost certainly has to just be me. The common denominator in all your problems is you, right? But the scraps of understanding I've managed to brute force out of people over the years indicate otherwise. The rare times when others have been able to accurately represent my position, they've agreed with me. I'm not the one who's wrong.

Knowing that does make me feel better. Rather than the sucking black void and pounding mental anguish, I just feel cold and empty. But there's nothing I can do about it. It's absurd. The world isn't that complicated, people aren't that different, and the problem is so simple. Things didn't have to be this way. save for one little bug in the code. Or maybe I'm still just a naive fool.
I'm sure I don't belong here either, but it seems like a nice place for an outcast like me to linger.

>>27781
You're not an alien. Nothing about the way you write and feel about your situation suggests that you're not human. You just have a mental condition. That's the truth.

Post edited on 7th Nov 2022, 3:37pm

>>27782
Did I leave the impression that I literally believe I am not of this earth? That was figurative, I know I'm just another human. Or if perhaps you also meant that figuratively, I haven't shared enough that you'd be able to tell.

>>27784
Not the anon you're responding to, but it was pretty clear to me at least that your post was figurative. "To feel like an alien" is a common enough idiom.

>>27784
I've also felt that way. What I was getting at, and the conclusion I reached about myself, is that it's too grandiose a description. I don't qualify to be an alien. Somebody who's not even bothered that they don't belong, would qualify in my opinion. If you feel sad or bothered about it, you're not alien enough.

>>19645
Im stupid. I wish I wasnt stupid

Someone told me to stop being shy. It's a small thing, but I find it a bit upsetting. It's not like I have stuff to say but can't. I just have absolutely nothing I'm interested in talking about. I don't think about conversation at all.
Besides, I really doubt any of my coworkers are going to want to hear about my niche hobbies and that's the only thing I can really talk about.

because i dont know how to function well. I dont know if its my autism but i just get so mentally exhausted from doing the simplest things.

Even on imageboards I feel so out of place. Other than TC, I can only stand boards that are more or less used for imagedumps. I was going to write a post about what in particular I dislike about the current state of imageboards, but there's just so much and it seems like beating a dead horse here. I really ought to just stop subjecting myself to it.

Because I have extremely atypical circumstances which make it extremely difficult to relate to others and affects my employment opportunities. I am not sure that I want to get too in depth. However, the gist of it was that I was a childhood NEET. As a result of this, I was left pretty academically and socially stunted. I lack shared experiences with others. It's almost like I am fundamentally on a different plane of existence than most people.

I have gotten to the point where I am in college, and I am doing advanced math classes now in spite of where I came from. I also have a job, but I am still terrified that the college will find out that all of my k-12 credentials were fake. Even then, I still can not help being sad at what opportunities I have lost. The biggest hurt it has created is that it has affected my ability to go to a decent college and my ability to pay for it. I never had the opportunity to grind for scholarships because I never attended formal schooling. It also seems that you must go to a decent college to get a good job. Frankly, given my specific circumstances, it all feels like a colossal waste of time.

I feel like the only choices I have is to live like a recluse or socialize with others while putting on a mask and act in ways that are unnatural to me. Like I can only be myself with myself. Neither option is that appealing.

I don't have anyone to talk to. Normally I'm fine with this lack of interaction, but occasionally someone will reach out to me and give me a taste and then I feel that loneliness again. I know I could just try and message the people I've come across and still have contact with from over the years, but I just don't know what to say.

I miss my friend. He was an asshole, but he'd talk to me at least once a week and we'd play games together occasionally. He's the only person I've met so far that I've actually enjoyed having a conversation with. Maybe I'll make another friend someday.

>>27997
You could start by saying Hello.

>>27998
Hello Anon.

>>27998
Is that really okay? Greeting people seems so strange. Nobody ever greets me. Besides, looking at it, I don't really have contact with anyone I'd want to talk to anymore.

>>28000
I've been in a similar place, and have thought a lot about this.
Maybe it's a little different in your case but if you don't reach out to people, you can't expect them to do the same in turn. Sure, every once in a while people might try, but if you're not meeting them half way, not only is that not fair, but it's also going to send them the message that you don't want to talk to them. The way they see it, you might only be responding out of politeness. If you had genuine interest, you'd engage them. You'd reach out, ask how they're doing, what they think about this or that. By not doing this, you're saying you don't care. Maybe you don't, and that's okay, but if you do meet anyone you want to keep in contact with, like your 'asshole gamer friend', you shouldn't let the relationship become one sided.

Maybe don't over think the whole greeting thing. Just say hi, it's been a while, and so on. Say what you think they might say, or better yet how you really feel. You could also explain that you'd like to continue your interactions but have difficulty with doing so. They might understand and maybe even help you.

>>28001
Most people are already settled into friendships. And if they're not because of the circumstances, they can make new friends almost instantly. This is because normal people understand a secret language, which they learn at a very young age. It lays both below and on top of plain speech.

>>28000
>>28003
It does feel like there's some secret language I just don't get. When the "first contact" of a friendship is described in something like a novel it makes me feel very alien. There's talk about peoples eyes meeting for just the right amount of time and then a conversation happens naturally. I don't think it's just for the purposes of speeding up the plot either. Normal people seem to recount similar stories. If your eye contact is too short people see you as weak. If it's too long they assume you're being domineering.

Honestly it feels like I'm just on some different wavelength from other people where no matter what I do it gets seen as weird. I wouldn't mind that if people weren't also making the judgement that being weird is being bad.

Two days ago, I had a conversation with my mom. Somehow, the topic arrived at why I'm always alone and my personality. She insists I'm a kind person, so underneath "the wall I put around myself", I'm actually appealing. I don't understand why she thinks I'm kind.

It's not the first time I told her that I'm not. How many times do I have to say it, and why is she in denial? Just because she's my mother? I've explained that I don't care about people, I don't feel much empathy, I hate lots of people for all sorts of reasons, I don't like women in general, and I enjoy when others are miserable. How does that fit the description of a kind person?

I don't think my mom accepts me for who I am. Instead, she projects positive traits onto me. I'm in college. She think after I graduate and get a job, things will just magically work themselves out, because after a certain age, women want financial stability or whatever. Never mind I have no interest in being someone's piggy bank, and there's plenty of other options for them, who are, you know, normal.

Post edited on 21st Feb 2023, 8:00am

>>28048
>I don't think my mom accepts me for who I am. Instead, she projects positive traits onto me.
I think this is just something mothers do. Mine tells me I'm average height and will make a good husband someday. I just ignore it.

>>28048
You're still young, so you'll change, and that's but one probable reason why your mother thinks that way.

I don't feel like I'm living a life at all, I'm just observing, there is nothing I even want to do. I feel dead already.

>>28051
If you can observe this message, you're still alive anon.

>there is nothing I even want to do
You gotta try a bunch of things out before you can find something you really want to do. It took me trying loads of things for years and abandoning them out of frustration, only to later come back to some of them and learn to love them.

May you find your reason.

My health continues to get worse despite my efforts to keep it up. It's already bad, as I was born with bad eyesight, despite spending lots of time outside as a kid, and it seems to be getting worse, particularly in my right eye, although it may simply be that they are strained since I have been on my phone too much lately I feel, and I have a bad habit of taking off my glasses when using my phone as I am nearsighted, which simply makes the issue worse. I have plans to see a real eye doctor, not some walmart quack in the future, I wish my parents took these things seriously, although it seems they only take a non chalant attitude when it's with me.

There have also been times while bathing or washing my face when some chemical has gotten near my eye, or on the sides of my eye which may have damaged it, although at this point I may simply be searching for reasons to see why my eyesight gets worse. I'd hate to go blind, but I do forget how far medical technology has come, even with very bad eyesight I'd probably still be able to see.

I am planning on buying some excercise equipment and weights in the near future for a discounted price if I can find them, so hopefully excercise will improve my health somewhat. I'm not very out of shape, and not fat, but can feel it slowly creeping up on me. I'd hate to be like some people I see in the streets, excessively obese and struggling to walk, I already feel as though I'm sick enough, born with such awful genetics.

I suppose putting things out like this, it isn't as though I'm on the verge of death, but I constantly worry if I may have forgotten something, like to take a contact out when I wear them, and if it's going to cause me some permanent damage. I wish I knew of a way to prevent these thoughts from constantly plauging my mind, it's like this with everything I do, it seems as though I always assume myself to be the worst kind of failure, and the slighest form of defeat can send any hopes I have crashing into the ground and I lose any motivation I had to try to improve or make things better, but then it all repeats once again. Maybe once I finish with school, and I begin living on my own and not with people who seem to harbor such contempt against me, despite being the only person who does things for them and helps them with things and likely spends the most time around them, I may begin to improve my mood. It isn't as though I'm a hypochondriac though, I just worry about failure too much, which includes the failure to keep up my health.

At times I do feel as though it might be best to simply stay here and let it rot me away, because of the substantial work it'd take to really establish myself somewhere. I have slight issues with collecting stuff, not necessarilly hoarding, and I imagine even moving somewhere close by, let alone across the country or state, would be a monumental effort, and I'd never use a moving company, as in my childhood whenever my family had used them it always resulted in missing and broken items, and there had been many house moves due to various factors. Although these types of thoughts quickly leave my mind when I spend some more time around my parents, which I am simply using short hand to refer to my mother and step-father both of whom have been married multiple times before, I realize that I'd likely end up the most miserable in that scenario, even if moving somewhere proved to be quite difficult an undertaking.

I suppose the vast majority of my unhappiness stems from my family and my parents, both step and biological, and the fact that as times has gone on, they seem to have evolved into the worst type of ford driver they could manage to be. I don't intend on making this a post about them though, I would imagine this is quite a common sentiment among many here, although the reasons differ I would imagine. I don't feel as though I want to die though, I have some hope things can be better for me, I just wonder how long will I have to sit around and take abuse until I can live a life where I can return to a house and have it be peaceful, and live a life peacefully as much as I could manage to do so in this collapsing society. The best solution I suppose would be to try and take more control of my life, which I attempt to do so, but I hate having to answer 100 questions every day when I don't immediately come home, since they have nothing better to do than harass me because I wanted to spend a little time outside like I'm some drug addict who scours the streets looking for needles.

Apologies for this post amounting to mindless complaining. I hope you enjoy this gift of a music. It's from my favorite Charlie Brown movie "It's Arbor Day Charlie Brown" which also happened to be Vince Guaraldi's last work at least in the sense of making music, I don't know if it was this song in particular but it was this album. It also reminds me quite a bit of Thanksgiving, for some odd reason. Also sorry for the audio quality, I need to download a better quality version but it seems to only really be on youtube, which is where I got this from. I was going to try and make a gondola but sadly I am not able to get video eiting software to work right.

Sometimes I wish my life were more shitty so I could outright blame my parents for their lack of support. I wish I could put my complete lack of ability to trust and rely on others on them. I wish I could blame my inability to make friends from the start on them. But I'm not dead yet, so surely I'm doing Okay...
I'm just so tired. I have nobody, and will never have anybody. Sure I can live with mom and dad, but I can never wholeheartedly do what I love and that's not a life I care to live.

>>27602
Good evening, I've decided to post an update, since it's 4 AM, I'm not that well, and I can't think of anywhere to talk to.

I can't believe it's been almost a year since I posted that message and this situation still hurts! In the meanwhile, I decided to "travel" a bunch, mostly as a tourist in my own city, with the occasional visit to nearby landmarks or other nearby cities for music concerts or museums, mostly by train.

I also noticed that being physically active, out and about dulls the pain so I bought a membership to a conveniently located spa center to swim to my heart's content. I somehow became on friendly terms, chatting together in the sauna with a bunch of the regulars there and coaches. On the same note, I bought a pair of adjustable dumbbells which I've been using 5 days a week for a few months now. My appetite also dulled and, surprisingly, I ended up losing a bunch of the excess weight I had, about 30kg, now sitting at 100kg. I'm still pretty fat so there's still a bunch to go.

Mom said I should see some different places of the world while I still can. She sent me an email with a deal she found for a guided trip to Korea. I decided to put a reservation payment down for it and I'll be going later this year. Just had my passport issued. I also want to take mom somewhere in Vienna for Christmas, hopefully to see a Christmas concert or show together.

Ironically, perhaps, I find my inner state to be a state of conflict. As if my mind, my heart and my body are at war. My mind wants to feel pain as some sort of vindication, my heart is stuck in a perpetual loop of hurt and my body feels healthier than it's been a long time.

I've also decided to take everyone's advice here and distance myself from that place. As lonely as it's been, I think it's better to be alone than in bad company. I'm thinking of buying some fishing gear and try to find a local fishing hole to take that symbolic fishing trip we were supposed to have. I'm still in the research phase.

Once again, thank you everyone for your helpful input. I'll try my best to move forward in a healthy way by NOT relying on bad stuff like alcohol, however long it may take.

I feel absolute disgust at my lust and my own inability to fight against it. I'm not one of those people watching porn in public or going to extremes like that and there have been some fairly long periods of time where I would go without any sort of masturbation or looking at pornography, but I always end up returning to it and continuing my cycle of disgusting lust. It makes me actively sick while I'm doing it and even when I stop I eventually feel a desire to do it again, almost like I am doing it just to spite myself, or 'cutting off my nose to spite my face' so to put it.
I know it is something I will despise for having done yet I never seem to find the will to stop, always pursuing the temporary pleasure, which I suppose is indicative of other behavior I have such as the inability to stop drinking soda or eating candy. In both cases I seem to make an easy excuse for myself of 'its just so available I cant blame myself for partaking in it' at the moment I go to do it, something I know even before I think it that it is a lie. I seem to do it during times of stress, most of it self-induced by my own poor work ethic.
I wouldn't say this is a sole reason I am unhappy, but it certainly contributes to my daily feeling of sickness, in a somewhat metaphorical sense. I wouldn't consider myself 'lost to my fetishes' like some people. I'm not into anything super extreme, the most hardcore thing being femdom, not pegging or anything like that, but sorta like 'domination by a cold/stoic or emotionless girl'.
I often times think my life would be better if I could rid myself of lust once and for all. I will have a nice evening, then decide to masturbate and ruin it entirely for myself since whatever doujin I was reading or picture set I was looking through wasn't tagged properly and I saw something that disgusted me, and I often time feel I can never rid myself of that disgust slowly accumulating time and time again. I suppose this is what started this rant, I was 'reading' (it was looking really since I can't read japanese) a story in an anthology in japanese that seemed to fit my tastes when about halfway through the story the author has the woman fuck a different person, despite that kind of content not appearing in any of the other stories up to that point the author brings in it out of nowhere and ruins the story. It made me truly realize I was wading in a sewer or rather a land fill of sin and degeneracy, hoping to find a scrap or two to subsist myself with and hoping there were no maggots or rot hiding under the surface to surprise me and ruin my day and fill me with disgust, hoping to not be reminded of my surroundings I put myself in. The only true way to pursue purity is to avoid the degeneracy of pornography all together, as it seems as time marches on it gets worse and worse with absolute filth such as netorare and rape becoming commonplace.
I recall a certain 3DPD movie in 'The Circle of Iron' where a man decides to boil off his lower half after going through his life unable to fight against his lust and it bringing him to ruin. Despite his warnings to the protagonist who scoffs at him and calls him insane, the protagonist still falls ruin to his own lust shortly thereafter and must fight to recover from it, and in a way it permanently changes him. I'm not a loon and don't want to cut off my lower parts, but I think it's a good demonstration of the sick hold lust has upon humanity and the inability of people to recognize this vice and how they will invariably continue the cycle.
I suppose the only way out of this is to resolutely declare to myself to fight against lust and it's vice it holds upon me. Delete all things pornographic and resolve to never download them again. I feel this step is the most important, as I've said this before but again and again I decide, 'well it isn't super pornographic' but even if it isn't explicitly pornographic, it begins the rolling of the boulder of vice in my mind leading down the path of sin once again. I apologize for this rant and if this doesn't particularly belong, I just feel sick.

>>28205
I haven't watched porn in years.
I used to be addicted to that stuff until I got so disgusted with it and wanted to renew with faith.

>>28205
>>28211
Yeah that stuff really screws with your head. It's like some drug that seems to ruin a lot of people's lives.

>>28211
It takes a lot more resolve than one might think, so good jobbu and God bless!

>>28211
>>28212
Yes, I'm not as far gone as some of the crazies on the internet, but I have noticed a gradual change over the years from very vanilla stuff, to more 'femdom' type content and being a bit less picky with the type of content I consume. I'd rather not continue on the rabbit hole, less I end up like some of the kooks out there.
There is also just a lack of material to consume, so I either have to loosen up my requirements or start to consume worse and worse material just to get myself off or have to go and edit images myself. The fact that doujin artists will draw a nice doujin, then the rest of their works is a girl paired with an ugly fat nigger certainly doesn't help with finding content when I looked for it.
I'm glad you have been able to cut it out of your life anon and I hope to do so as well. I've deleted all the stuff off my computer and I suppose it's just a matter of thinking pragmatically whenever I wanna fap about the negatives of doing it.
It certainly is a drug and a very nasty one at that, and it is quite astonishing at how 50 years ago you could get arrested for distributing porn, but nowadays they practically advertise the stuff. Just shows how far things have declined, and shows how deep of a grasp social media and the news have on the mindset of the majority of people.

>>28219
>50 years ago you could get arrested for distributing porn, but nowadays they practically advertise the stuff. Just shows how far things have declined
Make your own decisions, but don't think you can or should make them for me. Porn and otaku culture are inextricably linked.

>>28211
Porn addiction is not a real thing.
Before you say anything I don't watch it.

>>28220
I'm baffled by the amount of people who talk about 'porn addiction' as if that's a real thing while ostensibly being into otaku culture where erotic works are foundational. On top of that talking about erotica like it's the same as filmed 3DPD is ridiculous.

>>28219
Even though I enjoy erotic 2D visuals, I can't help but agree. Still miss pantsu shots though!

>>28220
>>28222
I wasn't trying to say that pornography should be banned, I was simply stating that there was a somewhat unnatural phenomena of something having been very taboo very rapidly changing into something widely socially acceptable. This is strictly talking about the West as well. I just think it's odd that porn went from something viewed in backrooms and that was out of sight/something you sorta had to look for to something that is in every movie and every TV show. My entire post was me 'making my own decisions' and simply ranting on how I want to avoid pornography since I think it is unhealthy for me to continue consuming it. I do not think porn is inextricably linked to otaku culture as a whole either, but there are segments of it which it is.
You can very easily enjoy 'otaku culture' without interacting with pornography. Of course there are plenty of shows with fanservice and such, but that usually isn't pornographic. Panty shots or something like that isn't the same thing as watching hentai or reading smut doujins. In general though there have always been people who have viewed ecchi shows as somewhat low brow and juvenile. Acting as though otaku culture as a whole revolves around porn is stupid and someone can easily read manga and LN's as well as watch anime while avoiding sexual content.
I didn't say I wanted to ban pornography either, I just want to avoid it as I feel it isn't good for me to be viewing it, which is what my entire post was about.
As for addiction, you could say anything that isn't invoking physical withdrawal isn't an addiction, but the general use of the word has changed from it's dictionary definition. Maybe 'porn has become a habit' would be a better way to classify it if you want to be pedantic about the terminology.
>talking about erotica as if it is the same as filmed 3dpd
I don't think 2D and 3D media are the same, but I do think habitual consumption of porngraphy regardless of if it is 3DPD or 2D is bad for you. It's still the habitual consumption of pornography and it still opens the door to you developing more hardcore fetishes. There is a lot of rape and NTR doujins, VN's, and hentai and other such disgusting fetishes.
I don't see how me not liking porn means I can not enjoy anime or VN's or LN's, it isn't as though porn is essential to those things existing. I would not say porn is an 'integral part' of otaku culture. There are certain parts of it which heavily revolve around pornography, but there are also parts of it which have nothing to do with porn. The 'otaku culture' is a very wide and vast field and saying that porn is integral to it is like saying 3DPD is integral to it since there are sections of 'otaku culture' which revolve around 3DPD idols.
>>28221
This is just a stupid argumentative statement.

>>28223
When I refer to pornography I'm talking strictly about smut doujins, hentai, nukige and stuff like that whose primary purpose/value is being pornographic. I don't think Kanon or Air are pornographic games, even if they do have a sex scene in them. A show having a few panty shots or an onsen episode or whatever isn't pornographic in my opinion. A smut doujin, hentai, nukige, those erotic RPG games are what I would consider pornographic.
I wasn't attempting to attack anyone or say 'people who play erotic games are evil' or anything like that either, but I personally think it's unhealthy for me to habitually consume pornography and I feel that it has made my life worse, which was the basis of my post.

>>28224
>I would not say porn is an 'integral part' of otaku culture
The central pillar of the subculture is Comiket.
All sorts of influential creators worked on erotic doujinshi. Doujinshi itself is one of the major foundation of otaku as a concept. Bishoujo was born out of the lolicon boom and so many creators are directly influenced by that. Dancing around that is ridiculous. Not to say you have to be into it or that you can't avoid it if you try but it's undeniably a central part of the culture.
>As for addiction, you could say anything that isn't invoking physical withdrawal isn't an addiction
I would say that. Distinctions matter and I think it's bad to use the same word for very different things because it results in conflation.

>>28226
You sound addicted to porn pal, but you are too weak willed to either accept your addiction or go against it, anyways comiket doesnt even matter that much in the grand scheme of things, literally otaku culture is so vast and encompasses so many things and genres that saying "porn is essential to otaku culture" is nothing but a absolutely retarded statement void of any credibility.
The unique decent argument you have is that some parts of otaku culture originated from porn but even those are far disconnected by now, yeah bishoujo started thanks to lolicon but by now its a whole different thing, saying that "porn helped otaku culture become what is today" would while still dumb be true to some degree.
Anyways porn is something you can get addicted to, even more since porn and mastubartion release absurd amounts of dopamine just like drugs, you need to be a porn addict to say otherwise, we dont even have enough info about this addiction since that disgusting industry produces a bunch of money.
And just to clarify ecchi on most cases is not porn, ecchi is just suggestive while porn is straight up sexual acts.

>>28230
"You're wrong and dumb except where you're right but you're still dumb".
Great arguments. Thanks.
>And just to clarify ecchi on most cases is not porn, ecchi is just suggestive while porn is straight up sexual acts.
Both of these are expressions of erotic desire and the people who came up with the idea of "porn addiction" would agree with that.
>anyways comiket doesnt even matter that much in the grand scheme of things
Yeah the place where Key, Leaf and Type Moon made their big impressions and where all sorts of illustrators, musicians, manga authors and writers all congregate "doesn't matter". You sound very well informed!

Post edited on 5th Jun 2023, 9:58am