Are you easily impressed? I think it would take a child to break me. It is trivial to unsettle me out of my wits. Just anything minor going awry and I'm done. Even if it's just a game. No wonder I never had a chance to live. I sort of wish I lived in Sparta so they would kill me the day I was born and spare me the trouble. Now I have to suffer AND be afraid of dying. Pathetic

I totally don't beg for reassurance

Have you ever, just once, felt like you're not fucking genuine? I am serious. It drives me crazy. Every behavioral pattern I exhibit I sooner or later discover to have been borrowed from someone else. Sometimes I have a hard time telling if anything I do belongs to me. This is maddening. For real.

>>30198
We are just pattern recognition and replication machines. It's all we can do. At best you can remix two distinct behaviours into one. It's unbearable when you realise it.

>>30198
Yes I think that's a core insight in eastern philosophy, that most of your behavior is not actually "yours". It's referred to as karma but the common translation of "cause and effect" doesn't give you any insight, and stuff about rebirth seems too suspicious to actually take credibly. I realized only recently that probably what they meant is closer to imprinting in psychology, along with the idea of collective conscious. Most of your behavior and thought patterns can be traced back to earlier events and patterns of interaction with others.

>>30171
You have come to the wrong place to talk about that.

>>30174
apparently wiz chan is no longer viable for softcore woman chasers, eh?

>>30171
>I remember overhearing alot girls talk about drama and talking shit about other people, men can do it too and i don't like that either.

My personal experience is that guys-only gossip is always more light-hearted and to the point than girls-only or mixed gossip.
Girls can be very mean and uncharitable with their remarks, most guys know when to stop

Post edited on 4th Mar 2025, 7:24am

>>30174
yea your probably right that was a weird vent for this place, i guess i just sometimes wish i was normal instead of the reclusive werido i am. i know i'm not going to meet anyone nor do really want to, i just wish i was different sometimes.

>>30156
It's not so bad compared to alternatives. Realistically though, you have to earn your bread somehow. It is unpleasant to live in such a world, but I guess you really get used to anything. The only true victory is to overcome the death anxiety. I look forward to the day.

Hmm...Now that you say it, I actually cringed at my post that I apparently made here in January? Really thought I had written it in December. That said, I guess for imageboards I'm pretty used to them. I always felt a little more comfortable sharing on them while feeling a little less alone while also adding to said problem. I think it's because while venting here, most people have gone through similar struggles. On social media, if you post something negative maybe more than once, they see it as a problem. Like recently, I was venting on another site, only to realize my post was seen but skipped over. I didn't mean for it to come off as a vent, but the post was complaining about fanbases and I ended up putting my own experience as a chronically sick dumbass. I feel my mentality will never fit it with normal forums.
>>30151
>I guess the obvious advice is: if you have people you can trust, reach out, If you don't, look for them, if you can't, look for online friends. It may sound delusional but I'm sure they want the best for us and wouldn't want us to die, so we have to do our best.
I have like....1 and a half. But calling them friends is a stretch. They so happen to be familiar with my personal situation somewhat and are aware of it. Venting to them would absolutely sadly fuck things up. I find myself having to delete messages often. I really wonder if I should just make a Discord. But getting involved in someone else's circle seems really scary to me. I wish I could stop caring about the better lives of others...

I hate imageboards.

>>30166
fair enough. the hikari pic is cuter though.

>>30148
yes yes yes

>>30143
You could try and make it mean something.

I don't know what you're going through, but I can promise you someone has, is, and will be feeling whatever is currently ailing you. Many works of art and academic insights have come from deep suffering. Often, people who normally wouldn't relate to the subjects or settings of these works have come out and developed a new perspective or sense of understanding.

The creative arts have often been the only refuge for the downtrodden, countless works still celebrated long after the suffering of the creator. Sometimes, raw technical skill isn't even a requirement. Passion, genuineness, and a distinctive flair have been enough to captivate.

When I come across works that move me and make me feel validated, I am motivated to try to express myself in my own way, paying much respect to the insight obtained from my influences. It's the possibility of softening, distracting, et cetera from whatever the spectator could be going through that has motivated me to share and improve on what I do.

As i have gotten older, I've found this feeling of healing people from pain much more gratifying than anything else. Despite what I've been through and the occasional crash-out and frustration of "the feeling" of being the only one going thru it. Deep down, I wouldn't wish it on anybody else. That's just me though.

>>30180
>Passion, genuineness, and a distinctive flair have been enough to captivate.
passion doesn't sound so impossible, but there isn't a bit of genuineness in me and i'd rather not bring up the topic to be very honest. being a fake is smothering and i'd like to enjoy the little time i have off from being in bouts after bouts of anxiety and whatnot, sorry. no offense to you, really.

>>30181
No offense taken. I understand.

>>29868
It's pretty heavy, mine is about 50lbs. Manageable, but heavy. Very cumbersome though, with the large size and weird shape. I'm sure it'll be easier for others though, as I'm rather short and not especially strong.

>>29863
I feel like getting an onahip or using an onahole would still be the best way to masturbate. Dolls are nice, but as you said they seems far to unwieldy to clean properly. From what I've read you typically gotta lug it to a shower or bath and try and clean it out and then put the aquarium pump in to dry it out, which can pose problems in itself.
A removeable insert, where you can put your own onaholes in would probably be the best solution in my opinion, but they aren't offered by every company.
A doll does seem to be probably the one thing better than a daki when it comes to cuddling though, and the closest you can get to a "replacement" for a sleeping partner. I'd really like to get a doll one day and I think I would primarily use her for cuddling and having something to hold onto while sleeping that isn't a pillow that is more "human shaped" and of a human weight.
Anyways, it seems like you have gotten a good doll, and hopefully you don't encounter any issues with her. What brand did you get? Going based off the face, it seems to be an aotume doll.
>I got the foot bolts so she can stand up, but I sort of regret it. I don't expect to have her standing anytime soon.
Honestly I think getting the foot bolts is always a good idea if you have plans on her ever standing up, because otherwise the material around her feet will get shredded by the skeleton and pretty much ruin her soles. Having soft feet is only useful if you never plan on standing her up and using her solely for sex on a bed or something or purely for a sleeping aid on a bed. Otherwise you will need to pick her up and carry her around and lie her down on her back or stomach if you don't have the foot bolts, since the feet will become damaged very quickly otherwise. At least from the research I have done.

>>29880
Wrote a reply yesterday and managed to lose it before sending...
>Dolls are nice, but as you said they seems far to unwieldy to clean properly.
It's not that bad. I imagine a lot of the cleaning can be mitigated with careful use, but I gave her a bath both times. The aquarium pump drying is pretty easy once you have everything on hand. Actually fucking the doll is a bit awkward and strenuous, probably due to the stiff joints. There's options for a looser skeleton, but that comes at the cost of posing. At any rate, an onahole/onahip would definitely be a better option if you're just looking to masturbate. With the doll, it feels like a different thing entirely, or it does to me.
>A removeable insert, where you can put your own onaholes in would probably be the best solution in my opinion
Yeah probably. Honestly, I wasn't expecting to have doll sex more than once. I thought it'd be a novelty and then I'd just have a massive doll. Thus the effort of cleaning was not a major concern.
>A doll does seem to be probably the one thing better than a daki when it comes to cuddling though
Yes, it is quite nice to hold. Soft and yet has form. A very very pleasing to hold form. Not sure if I'd sleep with it though, as that would seem like a good way to accidentally damage it or something. Besides, my daki is of a character I have much stronger feelings for, and I wouldn't trade it for the world.
>What brand did you get? Going based off the face, it seems to be an aotume doll.
Indeed, an aotume. I heard some bad things, but I'm quite pleased with mine.
>foot bolts
I suppose you're right. I did notice one foot is already slightly damaged as it is. I'm not terribly bothered by it either way.

I got mine a couple months ago (around the time as the previous anon here). Showed up a lot sooner than I expected once it was ready. Meant to post sooner but stuff happens.
I kept over thinking every aspect of the doll leading up to getting it, but once I actually got her out the box I stopped caring about a lot of that stuff. This might sound like a load of bullshit, but I haven't done 'that' with it, and I'm not even entirely sure if I even want to. My sex drive is nearly non-existent, and clean up seems like it would be a pain anyway. My main interest with these was always to have a dress up doll first and foremost, stuff like hugs and lap pillows second to that.
I went with silicone for mine. It's heavy sure and doesn't 'feel' as nice like they say, but I read it has better durability and doesn't get stained as easily.
They're certainly heavy, but not impossible to move. At first I felt like I was going to destroy my back moving it around but I quickly started getting a lot more used to it, either by learning how to better hold and carry it or by getting stronger, maybe both?

In retrospect, I did fuck up royally by not waiting a bit longer. see what happened is I bought the largest model the company made at the time that also uses anime style heads, which is still unfortunately too small for even XS size clothing. After many many years of wanting one, planing and thinking and shopping around, I just went for it thinking I was never going to find 'exactly' what I was looking for. It wasn't until a few weeks after this doll showed up, that the site added a larger doll with proportions that would accommodate adult size clothing. So my dreams of using one of these dolls for cosplay will have to wait until if/when I buy a proper sized doll. Via some trial and error I did figure out the sizes for this one. Options feel a bit limited with a lot of cloths looking very similar in this size, but it works. The proportions do make some cloths look weird however. A body of this height should not have a chest of it's size, so everything looks stretched out around the chest. To be fair, I have heard women often face this problem.
I do have to say that these don't really work that great as dress up dolls. Most clothing materials seem to catch on the skin, m

Message too long. Click here to view the full text.

>wrote a long post
>deleted because wasn't really saying anything of substance
Sigh. I don't know your circumstances OP all I know is that whether you have tools and resources at your disposal, or not, and whether you have a grand life goal, or not, all you can really do is try. Try try and try again. Change will come naturally after that (it actually won't because the human brain is kind of a nigger about adapting beyond certain circumstances but let's pretend that doesn't happen for a second) and then the effects may add up on each other. If you don't feel "motivated" to try just remember this is all there is and all there will ever be.

>What do I do??
Either
>take a nap
>mindful meditation
>seek to nourish your body with quality food
>change your phones and desktop wallpaper to those of the Tonegawa speech in Kaiji
>do what I did, replay in your head the FarCry speech on insanity each time that voice that says you "won't be able to do it" comes up, tell the fucking faggot voice who is the insane one, him for doing that or you for putting up with it instead of putting both of you to sleep with a glock
Good luck!

I appreciate the advice guts,thank you!

>>30050
You could try the 5 minute method of doing things. Let's say you want to learn how to do 3D modeling. You open Blender and start a 5 minute timer. You only need to do practice for that 5 minutes, but if you find you want to go beyond that's okay. Every day you open Blender, set the 5 minute timer, and do at least that much practice per day.
The idea is to build a habit, because motivation is temporary. What you need is not motivation it is discipline. Motivation will get you thinking of all the grand things you can achieve, and maybe you'll get started once. But motivation is just a high that goes away quickly and won't build up the habit of putting in effort.
The 5 minute method is intended to build up your discipline. Even if it's just 5 minutes, the mere act of forcing yourself to get started on a daily basis is already a massive hurdle that eventually becomes a regular part of your day.
I use this for basically everything. Once I start doing something I may as well keep it open and continue is what I figure.

>>30184
I tried it countless times and it only worked until another bout of anxiety kicked in. Not that anon though, just couldn't pass by silently. It frustrates me no end but I couldn't persist with even 1 minute.

>>30121
>(Another reason is of course that you can't trust the purity of this stuff since it's all technically unregulated, so I always mentally use an order-of-magnitude safety factor)
This one is very true, I've seen many reports of this happening with Vitamin D3 being as popular as it is. But really I was just desperate to get a good night of sleep so I was trying things randomly, and that worked best.

>(amounts that should be safe when taken long term by almost anyone who is in good health)
I think the important part here is
>in good health
That's the difference. I'm not claiming losers or outcasts are not in good health, but it's very likely a lifetime of isolation slowly damages your body. NAC is a popular supplement that seems to help with a lot of mental issues for example, and it's basically just an antioxidant.

>(e.g. autoimmune disorders) things are a bit more blurred. That's not say you can "meditate your way into good health" if your diet is lacking, but conversely I have seen sufficient evidence that both psychological issues and poor diet can manifest as immune dysregulation, e.g. eczema.
Funny you mention that because in my family many relatives on my mothers side have some sort of autoimmune problem. Grandpa got Guillain Barre after some infection that his coworkers got over without major issues, grandma had some autoimmune thing in her joints, my brother has diagnosed IBS. And they're all pretty fucking mental for as long as I can remember, I think a more accurate word is resentful.

>resentment
>noun
>bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly.

Message too long. Click here to view the full text.

The only problem with understanding medicine is that it takes years of learning and years of practice, otherwise you're just another delusional guy who think he outsmarted doctors. Well I don't doubt you outsmarted half of them just by being diligent, but that means very little usually.

>>30126
> happening with Vitamin D3
I haven't read about adulteration of D3 since from what I understand it's simple enough to synthesize from lanolin. For zinc and other mineral supplements the concern is heavy metal such as lead though.

>what kind of specific evidence have you seen
Well it's nothing that would convince some hardcore dualistic skeptic, just more "vibes". And like anything intersecting psychology, there's no way to get rigorous proof of anything besides just observations and noting down curious correlations. You can look at things like the work of John Sarno in showing that back pain (barring any anatomical issues) is almost always psychological, and just more generally the fact that placebos work in the first place. From there you could probably posit some sort of feedback mechanism, where "so long as you feel pain" then the body/mind remains in "attack mode" which over time throws normal immune regulation off balance. It's also shouldn't be too hard to accept the other direction that immune disorders and inflammation would affect the state of mind, so that there's some 2-way binding between these two.

In terms of actual biological mechanism for this linkage, I think the limbic system, digestion, parasympathetic system all probably would play a role, but as far as I know since this hypothesis isn't even accepted by the mainstream there isn't much actual research on isolating causal factors.

>is that the bitterness made them sick which in turn prevented them from properly moving forward in life
Yeah, it sounds very "superstition-y" when phrased in that specific way, but there does seem to be some psychological/psychosomatic component to post-viral illnesses (of which "long covid" is the most notable example), and perhaps also "chronic fatigue" syndrome. Unfortunately psychosomatic illness are treated as if they're "imagined", when in fact under this working model they are very real, it's just that the root cause of

Message too long. Click here to view the full text.

>>30093
>I can definitely tell i have become dumber, I have little short term memory and im sleepy and low motivation all the time.

Have you tried radical lifestyle changes?
Also, what exactly is causing the apnoea?
Do you have something like a permanent cold?

Here to complain not about acronyms but about emojis and people who send a bunch of them in a row expecting others to know what they mean.

>>29970
Stop being so relatable.

>>30084
>Here to complain not about acronyms but about emojis and people who send a bunch of them in a row expecting others to know what they mean.
Advice I received from heavens during a revelation a while back. Just ignore them. If it's critical send an emoji back and pretend you totally understand them.

>>30084
Yeah on certain platforms that's just as obnoxious if not more so than the stuff OP complains about. It's like we're reverting back to hieroglyphics. I find it's often accompanied by seemingly random and out of context meme. These images often don't seem to have any relation at all to anything else being discussed or posted, and I don't really understand why people do it.
My theory is these people have nothing to say but want to say something, they want to be noticed and have their existence acknowledged. They don't care what people are talking about, they just want to be seen and heard. So they post something they find amusing, or maybe the first image they can find, or anything. Why even think twice about it, just post anything you have right?

Sometimes I check in on chats in hopes of having 'some' level of human interaction, only to find nothing but a flood of stupid ugly cat memes and I become a little more disappointed in humanity each time.

>>30117
>Sometimes I check in on chats in hopes of having 'some' level of human interaction, only to find nothing but a flood of stupid ugly cat memes and I become a little more disappointed in humanity each time.
You can always mail me. You are very unlikely to get any real time human interaction, though.

You were fast to delete my post dood, but fair enough. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qC_p60tfyrE

>>30111
Well The Dude or not we try to avoid 3DPD here, and we do have a board for anime. /so/ meanwhile by nature is going to be a text heavy board. At the risk of coming across as rude, I'd recommend lurking(browsing around) a bit more before posting to get a better feel for things.

>>30103
These days about 1 or 2 "serious" posts per week, maybe less. Those tend to go unnoticed but sometimes on slow boards like tohno someone replies weeks if not months later though, that's nice.

Regular posts, about 2-10 per day. I wouldn't call that kind of interaction fulfilling in any way, not that former is, either. It's funny how the first type of posts is something I force myself to do, while the second is just force of habit at this point.

>>30104
Same here.

I have a potent strike of purposelessness induced dread. Awesome. What are you even supposed to do? Away from complete, quite literally 100% immersion in books, I'm afraid to even look around. There is absolutely nothing out there. And having to claw your way into people's life just not to feel alone feels like smothering burden. Can't care for that, especially since most of the time being alone is a billion times more rewarding. A moment of closeness requested during a fit of weakness has never, ever ended well, and as far as I understand life, wasn't even supposed to. Such a shame. If only I had a self contained purpose, I would be complete. Without that, I am a ghost. But maybe it's my atonement for what I am. But it is hard to be something worthwhile when the entire existence is layered in lies so densely the truth is as good as nonexistent.

Over the years I've been doing shit I regret on a daily basis from mistakes to decisions that have caused me and others great harm while most recover from things I've done I do not really recover. I can't be very forgiving with myself for anything I've done whether it was something I said or something I did the past is not something I can change and I never seem to learn my lesson I keep doing shit I regret. Even recently stuff I did will probably haunt me for a long time or the rest of my days. I don't have a real way to cope with feelings of shame, regret, or dread that I'll do something again. I can hold onto something for years usually resentments of people or things that happened. As a result I suffer from depression and I feel I may be developing anxiety now because the future looks very dark for me I feel I'll just keep making mess ups because I don't know how to get what I want without hurting someone in the process.

>so I get this anxiety issue where I just want to dissapear or run away to a place where nobody I know will ever find in order to never have to deal with the things I did in my past ever again.
I've been wanting to do that OP, I want to move to some desolate isolated place and start over because of all the that is on my mind constantly but I feel even than I'd mess that up to.

In 2023 I started getting little "attacks" of cringe over the things I used to do as a kid and for a few years already I've had thoughts or remembered something in which I immediately forget it. So I sort of have the opposite problem.

>Do you guys ever become extremely depressed several times a day when your memory makes you remember all the retarded, stupid and shameful shit you did back in the days?
Yes. The memories kick in and cut like a knife driven right in your guts. It causes acute fleeting distress then I suppress the memories somehow. It is very unpleasant.

I suddenly felt super useless. Now I need to work around that somehow until it settles. If I can't chase the thought out I might as well get depressed again. The last week or so of feeling neutral is has been almost a blessing.

>>29904
>How did you achieve such a state?
Whatever do you mean. "I" did not "achieve" anything.
>those are pretty easy to drop
What makes you think that? Did you ever have one and truly believed it?
>I'm referring to the minute day-to-day stuff
These have nothing to do with me. These are impulses intercepted and acted upon by the carrier. I can only look at it and sometimes yell at the top of my lungs in hope it will prevent him from fucking up completely, because whatever pain he feels, I feel it too, and it is even more painful to me because it does not make sense to me and I don't understand its source or nature.
>The only way to avoid it entirely would be to just sit doing nothing
The only way to avoid that would be to take your pills, but I don't care for pills. I don't trust them anyway.
>>29905
>I think everyone has desires.
Everyone who is a person.

>>29906
>"I" did not "achieve" anything.
Unless you woke up one day suddenly and spontaneously thrust into the egoless state, or were born that way, there was by necessity some precipitating event (or deliberate process). But I honestly can't tell what's going on from your post. Since you mentioned pills (which is not at all what i was referring to, I was referring to systematic meditation to first develop awareness of the underlying cognitive processes which you seem to have already done, then ultimately dissolving those distinctions [non-dual state, samadhi, etc.]) I'm guessing it's something like depersonalization?

I don't know how the two are related, but in all spiritual traditions I'm familiar with, "accidental ego death" (e.g. drug induced, or simply just doing advanced techniques without the right preparation) before you learn to trace the source of and deal with your emotions usually ends up causing more instability. Something for me to read up on I suppose.


(Also the way "I" is always scare-quoted in discussion of introspection and dissection of the mind into its constituent observer always annoyed me. Like the trope of some "guru" saying "this is not a chair, merely a collection of atoms which we refer to as a chair." Some people also take that too far and vow never to use the word "I" or something, and they invariably just substitute another term like "this bodymind" in communication... which is exactly what the first-person pronoun refers to anyway.)

>>29902
>>29906
>I dislike questions like this, OP.
The question wasn't addressed to you personally. If you don't like it then you shouldn't have posted in this thread. This "nothing can affect me because I have achieved ego death" attitude is pathetic and narcissistic, it's nothing more than a front to hide your insecurities. And it's ultimately false and hypocritical because if you had no sense of self and ego then you wouldn't have posted in this thread in the first place to show us how cool you are for totally not caring about anything, meaning that you wish to be perceived in a certain way.

>>>I think everyone has desires.
>Everyone who is a person.
Wow... so edgy.

>>29910
>nothing can affect me because I have achieved ego death
Not that anon, but there's nothing intrinsically false about this. If one does indeed undergo "genuine" ego death, then he is free from the subjective experience of suffering. It's not nihilism or a "coping strategy": it is the only mode of existence that can offer such release from attachment and associated pain. That's why it's the end goal of most spiritual movements. But "ego death" is an actual state of the psyche that's the culmination of years of expanding the scope of your attention, and not something that can "just" be consciously adopted. And it's certainly not easy to achieve, forget complete nonduality (sahaja samadhi?), I don't think most meditators even experience nirvikalpa samadhi. (Related: I've always been curious at what the correspondence between types of samadhi and the Buddhist jhanas is. There's clearly some correspondence as both describe states of non-duality but it's not clear how they map.) But it's probably not even necessary for most people, just practicing feeling different emotions and parts of the psyche is sufficient to slowly surface deeper pain and chip away at it. And from an 80-20 perspective that's probably "good enough".

> hypocritical
Heh only now did I catch the irony between "I dislike questions like this" and the subsequent post. That's not to invalidate anon's experiences, assuming it's not just role-playing as an enlightened monk he probably does have some different perspective in terms of conscious experience. It'd be interesting to hear more about it, although this thread probably isn't the right place. I don't think it's "ego death" as traditionally defined though, possibly closer to depersonalization or DID or something.