I used to want to be able to have someone to talk to about these feelings. I have gone on long enough without that to mostly get used to it.

>>26313
I know that feeling all too well. I desperately wanted someone to talk to and couldn't find it. Giving up and accepting one's situation was the only available option.

>>26314
> and accepting one's situation was the only available option.
I think that's ultimately the better option. Talking about those feelings with someone who can at best only provide a token of sympathy doesn't really solve anything. And maybe I'm particularly cynical but it always seemed to me that people only "care" insofar as to make themselves feel better (they can pat themselves on the back for having done a "selfless" act).

>>26327
Back in the day they used to use Adachis to keep track of time.

I've been feeling really odd lately, I can't seem to make sense of my own state of mind.

Another year, another downward spiral. I don't have the energy for this anymore.

I got too reliant on cheating in academia and was caught plagiarizing. I got off with a warning I think but a "see your advisor for your grade email".
I'm sorry for failing all of you if I am expelled.

>>26390
Just try harder next time not to get caught. change more things around a bit more and try to make sure what you're using isn't easy to find.

>>26390
Plagiarizing is the dumbest form of cheating.

>>26392
Not dumb, just lazy. Everyone rips everyone else off in this world.

>>26393
Ripping of and using as a source of information are two completely different things.

>>26391

>and try to make sure what you're using isn't easy to find.

That's not really possible now, there are programs that Universities use that simply analyse the work and see if it has strings of words that match other papers or references.

>>26391
The trick is to aggregate multiple sources and rephrase it in your own words. Of course, that's just called "research." Throw in a citation and that's how you academia.

>>26398
Funny how academia works, I was in the past reprimanded for coming up with new theoretical postulations because I did not have any references.

>>26399
How can you be reprimanded for a new hypothesis? Why would you need references besides the as-taught understandings of the field?

>>26412
Because they said so.

>>26412
I don't know which field he was in but usually new ideas aren't born in a vacuum so you're expected to do due diligence to find related work then cite that. Unless it's a really obscure/niche topic that doesn't have much to go off of, I'd find it hard to believe that one couldn't find other papers that have tried to tackle a similar issue.

And this is especially important for theoretical things since in those cases more important than the result is its relation to other work. E.g. the new theorem you proved on size complexity lower-bounds for some wacky class of circuits may not be immediately useful, if you explain how it fits within the work of things other people did it helps people understand the context and helps people discover it, so that it may eventually end up being used as a lemma in someone else's paper.

>>26418
What if there is no related work? I thought the purpose of a hypothesis was to propose a hypothetical model and then attempt to disprove it. Did my highschool science teachers lie to me?

>>26419
>I thought the purpose of a hypothesis was to propose a hypothetical model and then attempt to disprove it.
No, a hypothesis is basically an educated guess based on something like passive-observation or deduction. Then you test the hypothesis in an as unbiased way as possible. You're not supposed to try reaching any specific conclusion.

>>26419
Unless you're inventing a new field there's almost always related work. Remember that related work doesn't necessarily mean "someone else who has worked on the same thing" it is more generally just talking about how your paper relates to other papers. If no one else has tackled the problem before, the related work section is your opportunity to stake your claim – you could say something like "while foo et al. posed this question as an open problem in the 1968 annals of underwater basket weaving, there has been little progress on it since then" and then discuss the context of why the problem was posed. Unfortunately people often don't publish papers on what failed to work, so you kind of have to read between the lines a little when searching for those things.

If it's a very short self-contained result (< 2 pager) or self-published thing then most people don't bother with the related work – but those are the exception rather than the rule. Conventions for related work might also vary across fields; I can only speak from what I'm familiar with CS IEEE-style conference/journal papers.

>>26425
Oh, that makes sense. I thought references in the context he posted meant "someone else already proposed this theory and I'm just parroting what he said".

Can't take it.

I've been unable to sleep properly for the past several months. I wake up from nightmares covered in sweat. The one thing I could look forward to each day is thus gone.

>>26480
Having similar problems. I started to listen to chill music and audiobooks and I manage to fall back to sleep eventually.

>>26481
For me it keeps repeating, such that even if I go back to sleep I end up waking up ~90min later. I go to sleep around 11pm, wake up around 4am, take an hour to go back to sleep, wake up around 6am, take an hour to go back to sleep, rinse and repeat until 12pm. My hunch is that the wake up cycles are somehow related to REM sleep (which alternates with non-rem in 90 minute cycles); the nightmares are related to a disruption in rem sleep, which then causes the sweating. Now the question is what the cause of the sleep disruption is. I wish I knew.

>>26482
Sleeping in bursts like that isn't actually bad. We're led to believe people should sleep in one continuous stretch by culture, but in actuality it's perfectly natural to do it in short cycles. Sleep and anxiety should be kept as far away from each other as possible. As long as you feel well-rested, there's no problem.

>>26483
Right I've heard that we're naturally inclined to sleep in two halves (i.e. sleeping for 4 hours, waking for 2, then sleeping again) [1]. What bothers me though is that in the second half I keep waking up every 90 minutes, usually covered in sweat – which most probably is not normal.

I feel normal-ish the morning, but considering that this has only started happening for the past month or so any long-term effects of the disrupted rem sleep might not have manifested yet.

[1] http://slumberwise.com/science/your-ancestors-didnt-sleep-like-you/

>>26484
For me this has been going on for almost 2 years. I fall asleep easily and sleep like for 3-4 hours nicely, then I keep waking up and fall back to sleep regularly. I don't like to check the clock but it might be 90ish minutes. Might be anxiety-related.
I only have the nightmares / covered in sweat when I'm dehydrated or I'm hot.

>>26488
Hm maybe the waking up cycles are indeed normal [1]
>number of awakenings hovers around six times per night. As the body cycles through various stages of sleep, including deep sleep and REM sleep, it dips from shallower to deeper states.
But I think most people get back to sleep quickly enough that they essentially don't remember being awake. So perhaps longer durations of awakenings are indeed anxiety related.
[1] https://www.sleepscore.com/awakenings-during-sleep-cycles/

Post edited on 17th Apr 2021, 11:05pm

>>26484
>>26488
I think part of this is the expectation that you won't be able to sleep properly. In my own experience, at least, the suggestion that "I'll probably get woken up and won't be able to sleep the whole night" reiterated in the back of my mind before going to sleep, only for that to bear out exactly as I foretold. It's unsatisfying to say so, but what helped me was just putting my mind at ease and trying not to think about the fact that my sleep had so often gotten interrupted, and as the thought that I wouldn't be able to sleep properly faded away, I was able to sleep properly again.

As far as nightmares go, I can't help you there... But, I do think you're right about REM sleep being interrupted. Whenever I wake up after napping or from interrupted sleep, I remember my dreams more vividly than from a full night's rest. I think it's probably to do with waking up mid-dream I think. So, whether in your case that's because the nightmares themselves woke you up or otherwise, I can't much say.

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, feeling not too well and with an only thought that feels like a crushing revelation; I'm not in my 20's anymore, I'm old, I'll be in my 40's soon, I don't know what happened with time. I'm still, basically, the same 15 yo that played videogames and watched anime all time but suddenly 20 years have passed, I have the age my father had when I was that teenager.
It's scary.

>>26491
>the same 15 yo that played videogames and watched anime all time but suddenly 20 years have passed
I feel the same way. Up until recently I've been constantly filled with dread, there is a feeling as if I'm running out of time and anxiety of an uncertain future. I'm slowly coming to terms with it in some way, I take solace in the fact that there is at least a certainty in death.

>>26491
It's interesting how obvious it is, and yet it takes so long to understand, the simple fact that if you do nothing then nothing happens. When I was a kid and teenager I had this impression that things in life just kinda progresses by itself and that the passage of time is strongly connected to progress. I think at least partially, this is an impression ingrained by the way school works. As time goes on, you go from first grade to second grade, then third grade and so forth. It gives this idea of progress. That you're going somewhere. Once you're an adult however things change. Life becomes routine and time flies by.

Then you realize time is precious and begin to wonder what should you do with the little time you have. But then, if you're unlucky, you don't know what you want to do. It can also happen you don't want to do anything. For those people time goes even faster.

>>26524
>things in life just kinda progresses by itself
For most normal people that's literally how it works though. EZ mode autopilot to unearned success.

>>26561
I think sophie would get along well with Mai (vlad love). Couldn't find any artwork with both of them though.

>>26529
Depends on how you define "success" but from a strictly monetary point of view I doubt that most people meet this. Nonetheless it's tautologically true that they meet the criteria of success defined as living a normal life, and moreover life does indeed progress seamlessly for them. But I don't think "normalness" by itself is both a necessary and sufficient condition for this seamless progression; a large part of it is that they just blindly go along with it, not thinking about things too much. Thus they don't ever really have the issue of wondering what to do with the "little" time they have.

I am so useless I even posted in the old thread by accident, how can I just keep messing stuff up

>>26569

I'm really tired. This idea of life as struggle doesn't hold any charm to me. I don't see the point. I just want to lay and end in peace.

>>26575
>This idea of life as struggle doesn't hold any charm to me
I find it ironic that the people who usually say this are usually the ones who don't feel it as much of a struggle in the first place.

人間失格

>>26575
To lie down and sleep forever. Sounds nice, doesn't it?

>>26581
Yeah. I don't think this enormous effort that requires life is particularly worth it, from a mere logical point of view. I spend most of my time working and preparing for work, while the little time that's left is resting to be ready for the next. I don't see the point anymore, I don't even think humans were supposed to live like that but I guess that thought makes me a lazy loser.

Posting a cap from my phone because setting up my laptop would be a pain at the moment.
I'm pretty much at wits end. Just got my rv back from the mechanic and after dumping more than $2000 into it, it's not running any better. I barely got the thing into a Walmart parking lot a mile away and the security here couldn't wait to give me a hard time.
I can't see how this peice of crap is going to get us the rest of the way across the country when it struggles to move in a flat parking lot. I can tell that the mechanic are just going to "fix" one thing after another while draining my finances without solving the problem.
I miss having a room, a weeb den to shield me from the ugly outside world. That's all gone now and I'm essentially homeless, stuck with huck of junk that won't take us back or take us forward. I've got no one to turn to or talk to about this. My mother is with me but she's about as helpful as a tumor. In spite of my best efforts to keep it together I think the stress is getting to be too much for me. If I could I'd sell the rv for whatever I can get, take what I got in a uhaul and go the rest of the way staying in motels like one anon here recommend. This thing is just going to break down in the middle of nowhere I can tell. Doesn't help when my dad does things like fly into the area just to show off his new plane. He couldn't care less about my situation.
I feel like I'm trapped in this region, not allowed to leave it, and any attempt to will be prevented if not punished. Suicide feels like my only way out of this nightmare of a life.

>>26587
It's kind of weird your dad cares enough about you to show off his plane to you, but not enough to help you out in any way.

>>26588
He doesn't do that because he thinks I want to see it, he does it because he assumes as much. It's just to feed his ego. He's a text book example of a narsastic sociopath.
He doesn't want me to leave and go too far, but only because I've proven some usefulness to him. He won't do anything to make me want to stay though. He basically sees me and everyone else like tools, who are only worth as much as the services we provide. In my case It was helping him with computer related issues and listing his cars and planes for sale. Asking him for anything can and will just make him unreasonably angry. The only way to get along with him is to kiss his ass. He's one of the things I want to get away from by leaving California.

>>26587
I relate to your feelings. As I see it everytime I end in a bad situation and I feel trapped I need to take a drastic decision that changes everything and stick to it. Remaining there takes an enormous mental toll, things can only degrade and each time it gets harder. If you're already feeling suicidal you've reached that point for sure. I'm the opposite of being impulsive, I'm mostly a coward that fears risk, but as I get older it becomes a survival matter.

>>26589
Do you actually have a destination in mind? Because if you do, I'd prioritize getting there as soon as possible. Here >>/ot/38327 you say you spent $2,250, here >>/ot/38343 you say you spent over $1k, and just now you said you spent over $2000. So is that like $5000+ just in repairs? In less than one month? And they don't even work? That's fucked. Abandoning it somewhere might not be that bad an option if you can't sell it. You'd at least save yourself from wasting even more money.

>>26587
Forgive me for asking, but why are you traveling across the country? If the goal is merely to get to the other side (har har?) then it seems like it _might_ be more economical to just fly (especially during current times where flight capcity is abundant). Or is it just aimless wandering hoping to settle somewhere anew?

>>26591
$2,250 was the price I was given by the first shop I went to. We turned them down and went elsewhere. Paid $1200 or so instead. But then that didn't solve the problem and paid another $900 today at the same (second) shop, which put me over $2000 with them.
We don't have an exact destination in mind. That's honestly part of the problem. We just figured we'd explore the state of Texas and try to find a town that seems nice and settle down there. Not being picky seemed like it would give us more options and make things easier. If nothing else my mom has a sister in Denton that we can maybe stay with for a bit and who might set us up with work. It's more that what my pops offers. And yeah, honesty I've considered the abandoning idea too. For all I know this really could take $5k to get fully operational. Selling it would take a while under normal circumstances, more so with mechanical issues. We wouldn't really have time for that. - and while typing this another guard showed up with his supervisor to chase us off.

>>26593
>We just figured we'd explore the state of Texas and try to find a town that seems nice and settle down there.
That's a little haphazard. There's plenty of research you could do about a town without having to see it in person. It's good to hear you might have more helpful family, so maybe get in touch with them? Anyway, I hope you get past this shitty situation.

>>26587
>>26593
What happened to your old place? Were you renting it before?

>>26595
We weren't renting it, we rented out a room in it to someone else that's all.
We decided to sell it and hit the road looking for someplace better after our town went to shit. If you Google Hemet California you'll see articles calling it one of the most missrable places in the state, and they're absolutely right.
Our idea was to take our time seeing the country and exploring different areas to try and find something we like along the way. You can't fully trust reistate agents, they'll mislead you about areas. We almost bought one house we found online but learned at the last minute that the area gets hit with huricans and nasty weather on a regular basis. I've also worked with people who traveled across the country and got stuck living in Hemet, only to find out how bad it was once they got there.
In retrospect this has proven to be retarded. It would have been better and cheaper to just fly out and rent a place for a while as we search.

>>26596
Sounds like a really unpleasant predicament, I hope you'll find a decent new place to settle down in soon.

This winter will be decisive.

I messed up so much.
But it's gonna be daijobu.

>>26606
Anime girls don't care about failures or mistakes. They are infinitely patient and eternally warm.

The only thing keeping me from taking my own life, are distractions which keep me from thinking about my life.

im very close to changing
i am getting into programming and its what ive looked for my whole life
with programming i can stop caring about the outside world and live in my own reality
it feels like walking through a door to another universe where theres only me and im free to make anything i can imagine and i can imagine anything i want. its a feeling so awesome, that im afraid of it.
ive tried using anime girls to that end but they just dont click my brain the way programming (and mathematics and computers) do
i used to try and fit in places like this but im stupid and weird and bad, no one likes me. with programming i can just write a lot of code alone and make a lot of money, i can spend the rest of my life living in my own headworld. i dont have to think of anything else again.
im making plans for the future. im thinking of getting a bs in applied mathematics and focus on learning various programming languages and a lot of maths in the first 4 years, things like neural networks machine learning algebra and so on. then a ms in cryptography and learn ciphers, cryptanalysis etc. then a phd in infosec and focus on the practical side of stuff and studying linux and networks in depth. i dont know im very confident. maybe ill make a cryptocurrency or something related to blockchain and i have a lot of ideas for ai. i really like cryptography and hacking. id rather read milcryp than taocp.
im just getting started though, ive wasted my whole life, my guardians wanted me to grow up to be a civil servant. i used to be called the best student in school and always loved maths but ive never considered programming or a career in stem thanks to my guardians. i dont know im very glad im finally free and i can choose what i do with my own life. im experiecing for the first time things practically everyone takes for granted like freedom etc. its very scary, you have no idea how much fear i feel.
ill always be alone from now on. i dont fit in anywhere im a weirdo, all i can do is study every day and try to be the best i can, this is my calling i think its what i like to do and makes me feel alive, it feels like a mission or purpose too, i think its what im good at.
i dont know it feels like im leaving humanity behind and i wanted to say goodbye.
it feels like im dying or destroying a very important piece of myself, like my soul if theres such a thing, im very hesitant about this but i think im going to do it so i wanted to talk about it. im just going to spend the rest of my life learning more about programming maths and computers every day and nothing else. its all theres in my head now. im turning into a machine. its very scary. i dont know what else to do, im not "normal" and never got enjoyment from things like videogames or talking to other people. and ive reached the point where i cant fake it anymore, i cant tell myself im normal or try to be normal any longer. i like imageboards because they give me a glimpse of normal life. and i never interacted with people outside of them except for greetings, nodding etc.
i wish i had started earlier, i think id be awesome by now, i can still be awesome but it will take longer and it will be very different from what could have been, i think by now its pointless and im hopeless but its what is right and what i like and what i want to do.
sorry im an eyesore, stupid schizophrenic loser retard subhuman, sorry for posting. i dont know im very scared.

>>26620
Congratulations, not many people are lucky enough to be able to have things fall in place and find their calling in life. I'd honestly even say that I'm somewhat envious. I've waited my whole life but never could find anything that would "fit", perpetually always stuck in the middle and unable to move forward or backwards. I desire to reject humanity completely but I do not have the means as you do. I can understand feeling scared and overwhelmed by what could potentially be a very big change and the enormous uncertainty ahead. I hope things would work out for you and that you will find your freedom and peace, good luck.

Only cute anime girls can distract me from this worthless life of mine.

I pity all the sad souls here that got dealt a bad hand and cannot get out of it.

Only advice I can offer is to devise a simple yet reliable plan to get out of it, put extraordinary effort towards that goal and be consistent in it.
A change will surely occur sooner or later.

Have a cute girl that assisted me at the times of hardship.

>>26623
Your advice is common knowledge. Knowing what they should do or should have done is the smallest, least significant part most people here's problem.

I hate being so anxious and uncertain and worrying about everything (no matter how minor). I wish I could be cradled by an anime girl and let all these worries go.

No matter how much effort and time I put into it, calc 3 continues to be impenetrable. The realization that one's intelligence is the limiting factor hurts more than I thought. Can't even do basic service right, too. Why bother?

>>26627
If you have any conceptual questions, post on /navi/ and perhaps one of us can help? I think it's far more likely that your prof half-asses explanations or doesn't provide the proper intuition than you not being capable. In fact I believe even eight graders are capable of understanding calculus on an intuitive level (and for most purposes, that's all you need unless you're planning on taking real-analysis).

Calc 3 is multivar calc right?

This is one area where teaching pedagology is horribly flawed – if your professor is not taking a linear-algebra approach to multivar calc, then you are being done a disservice and it's no wonder everything seems like unsubstantiated trickery. The multivarible chain rule in particular – if the explanation you're given is just some tree-diagram and some hand-wavy stuff about "accounting for all possibilities" then that explanation is point-blank incomplete (it's a handy mnemonic, but only a mnemonic). Now it's true that understanding the "real explanation" – that derivative is a linear map T such that for any function f and small enough v, you have f(p+v) ≈ f(p) + T(v) requires a bit more background in linear algebra to appreciate, but this definition genearlizes naturally to the multivariable case as well (where v now becomes a vector) and the chain rule simply becomes composition of linear maps aka matrix multiplication. This can generalize further to not just real-valued functions, but to maps between manifolds as well, and in this light the derivative can be thought of as a map between tangent spaces. The book by hubbard & hubbard "Vector calculus, linear algebra, and differential forms a unifying approach" is the only place I know that treats this right, but it might be a bit intimidating if you've never taken linear algebra before.

Similarly, the theorems about integrals of curl/div/grad are all unified under the framework of differential forms, as seen by Stoke's theorem. But if you just want to understand div/grad/curl intuitively I recommend the book "Div, grad curl and all that" which requires no prior background knowledge and motivates these things by examples from physics.

So I guess what I'm saying is that without the above background (which I doubt most students have considering people take calculus before linear algebra), multivariable calculus can seem like just a bag of tricks put together without any explanation. And the leap from single variable calculus to multiple variables can seem counterintuitive, especially when you're taught to just apply formulas without understanding things.

>>26625
>I hate being so anxious and uncertain and worrying about everything (no matter how minor).
I am the same and things are getting a lot worse as of late. The smallest setbacks makes me feel like I'm on the verge of breaking down, everything seems amplified.

>>26628
I don't have a professor as I'm learning it by myself with a textbook. I'll take a look at that book you're recommending, but I barely understood anything you wrote in the third paragraph. Frankly, the issue is one of problem-solving and "true thinking". Thanks regardless.

>>26631
I see, if you're learning by yourself then jumping into hubbard & hubbard's book is probably a bit too much right now. But the fact that you're learning by yourself with a textbook is strong evidence to me that the problem isn't with you, it's with the textbook. I've never seen a calculus textbook (other than hubbard & hubbard) which is good at giving you the intuition, so again if you think you're not understanding something at an intuitive level feel free to post on /navi/

There shouldn't really be much of an issue with problem solving in calculus though since the exercises in the book usually all follow the same pattern.

I'm an abject failure. I have no future. I just want a do-over.

unwanted.

I can't stop.

I've constantly been swinging back and forth between the intense desire to die and to live as of late. It has been very emotionally draining.

All around me is only emptiness.

"If you want to be happy, be" – If only it were so simple for those of us who are not cute anime girls.

>>26713
Fake it till you make it, I mean it's better than the alternative.

>>26714
Except I don't think it's something you can just "fake" either? I mean you can do things that might be "conducive" to the state of happiness, but depending on how far off the path you are, those actions might either have no effect or could even paradoxically make things worse. I think rather than trying to "fake" it, the best option is to keep just doing things that might be conducive, and at the very least ensuring that you remain physically healthy. Then maybe, at some point along the random walk of life there might be a state when you can feel happy again, either for a fleeting instant or for a more prolonged period of time. But there's no knowing when (if ever) that time might come, and so until then I mechanically go through life, clinging only to the memories of precious moments (read: anime) that I once enjoyed.

I think I would feel bad if I could feel happy.

I had to do something today that required me recalling and recording my past.
It's so frustrating I can't do anything about it, it's easier to do something to myself than others.
Hope everyone else whos posted ITT has a decent time today.

About a year since I think I last felt joy. I don't know if things are getting better, but I guess they aren't getting worse. I haven't been able to bring myself to watch anime in that time either, since I doubt I'd enjoy it in my state and I don't want to ruin the only good memories I have.

>>26728
In my experience, narrative-focused anime suck you in and makes you feel good regardless of your prior mood.

Post edited on 5th Sep 2021, 8:26am

It's the kinda tired sleep won't fix.

I turned 30 today. For me time has stopped around 2012. I don't know how to interact with people nowadays. My computer is my only friend. I want to die. But before that I want to see something real beautiful. And fap some more.

>>26747
Happy birthday and welcome to the 30s. Can't say I'm much different, beautiful in what context though?

>>26749
An anime that's really good from start to finish. I want to lose myself in someone else's story again. Those are some of the most enjoyable moments for me. I'm not asking for recommendations though.

>>26747
>>26752
おめでとう
Hope you will live too see that anime one day.

>>26753
I forgot picture

>>26747
Happy Birthday, Anon!! You're a wizard now!! This is a very special day, I wish that you find many anime to your liking, and have many pleasant faps. Your post also reminded me of another anon I met in another imageboard around 2016, he was celebrating his 30s as well, and I remembered I baked him a MS Paint cake and had it delivered by a maid through a jpg. So I decided to try that again and tried drawing something for you. I don't know if I should post it though.

I've never had any real passion or creative hobby, but I was always able to at least fill part of that void by consuming media. But it's always becoming a little harder to find new media I care about, and I've already essentially cleared my backlog. Without anything to consume and distract me I'm only left with the void of not caring about anything in life. And there are barely even any places left on the internet to discuss the old things I did care about.

>>26759
How big was your backlog?

>>26759
Can you name some places where you can talk about older stuff? I only know Tohno.

>>26759
>I've already essentially cleared my backlog
I'm amazed you managed that.

im thinking of throwing myself of the 8th floor of an apartment building.
i love programming a lot, im very proud of my creativity and finally found something that will let me show who i really am and prove my worth, and something that will let me help others, but its too late now.
i wish i could start over.
not knowing future lottery numbers, i dont mean it like that. if i could, id have gotten into computers when i was 4, and spend all my school life studying human and programming languages, maths, physics, OSs, cs and finance. then go to a top uni and study more math and cryptography and spend the rest of my life working on projects. id never do anything else, for me that would be freedom and happiness. i could use my creativity with all that knowledge and make really awesome things.
i didnt because ive had a very bad life, if i told you some of the things ive had to go through and why i turned out like this you wouldnt take me seriously. i wouldnt mind any of it if these things didnt make it impossible.
i dont know i just wish a lot, by a benevolent god or something, that i could start over, like with the same mind but a different body in different circumstances in this era, i wish i had lived my life, that i could have been myself, i wish i had had a chance to try. i like being different, i like learning and making things, i wish i could share things only i can see and make others happy. i cant do it like this.
or something like that, i dont know. ive been trying to write a readable post for hours but cant find the right words. sorry.

>>26764
Are you >>26620? If so, did something happen since? In any case thank you for speaking your mind. I wish I'd knew the things I know now when I was younger, I don't wish to start over however. I find that to be too wearisome.

>if i told you some of the things ive had to go through and why i turned out like this you wouldnt take me seriously
If you have nothing else to lose, why not share it?

>>26765
When I read >>26620 , my first thought was, "burnout in 3...2...1". Nobody can so easily "transform" and the vast majority of people need to take it easy on a regular basis.

Desuchan looks like it finally passed on. The real internet is rotting in front of our eyes.

>>26759
Have you tried looking through your lesser-watched years to find lesser-known stuff?
Have you tried other mediums you havent really consumed?
If you're a gamer, have you played "hidden gems"? A multiplayer/constantly updated game?
Have you tried looking for a new (small) places to talk old stuff? There are new sites popping up here and there and older sites getting waves of activity. You may also not know some.

Regardless, I'm sorry to hear the situation you're in, running out of media to escape into is a rather scary thought, honestly. If all else fails, you should look into "new" stuff that is becoming old. I hope it improves for you, and everyone in this thread, honestly.

>>26768
https://www.2chan.eu/
still exists and is modeled after desuchan

>>26769
How are you able to keep track of new sites popping up and of noticing old sites getting more activity?

Today's my birthday, I'm 29. This year I really do want to change things but I think if everything still ends up the exact same as this when I'm 30 I'll truly give up.

>>26772
Happy birthday. I've been there, and failed. Don't be like me.

>>26772
You can still change for the better.

For a moment, I wanted to ask how many of you in this thread have actually killed themselves, but then I realized that the people who did probably aren't in a position to answer the question.

>>26793
There's always attempts.

>>26765
>did something happen since?
thought about going to an university since i love math and cs and finally have the reins of my own life but i came to the conclusion its unrealistic given my health and finances.
want to talk but dont like standing out. want to die but afraid of death. jumping is the only way out for me but it scares me. what if i fall on my feet, what if death isnt instantaneous, what if i survive, most places arent that tall and the ones that are tall enough are difficult to get to and sometimes when i look down there are obstacles in the way of the fall or even plants all the way down there.
i want to learn a lot of things but its unrealistic for me now. like several programming languages but i have to conform knowing only a few. if i could have my childhood back i could learn everything and be like i wanted to be. have you ever felt like something was taken away from you and theres nothing you can do but wish you had it back. in my case its my childhood and adolescence and by extension my whole life. i dont feel like i wasted it, i dont regret, i think its not my fault, i tried, i was always called the best at school, i try to go above and beyond always, but when theres nothing you can do theres nothing you can do. i think im very different like something no one has ever seen before and i can prove that with things like programming but now its unrealistic for me. i could study at home just because i like to but its pointless, knwoledge that ill never use, ill never have a job and show what kind of person i am. i dont know what to do, i spend all day every day in a dark room, i just wish i had been born into a slightly better life, then i could make things work.
when i pick up a book or programming i feel like opening my third eye, its scary and i close it quickly. you may not believe me but i think im exceptionally good at programming and maths, at least i like them a lot.
sorry for confuse post, when i very anxious and sad i write a lot.

>>26623
I simply don't want to live. Never wanted to, even as a small child. There's no easy way out of it.

I will never be happy but deep down I know I will never do something gutsy like kill myself because I’m just too much of a pussy. I will live out my days and die a pathetic old man just as miserable as always….

virtual particle.

>>26830
>virtual particles
Are badly named, and aren't even particles. As far as I understand, if particles can be thought of as "stable" excitations that occur "naturally" in a field, then "virtual particles" are "unnatural" disturbances of these field that only exist ephemerally in the presence of two particles interacting. Thus "exchanging virtual particles" isn't an actual transfer of anything, it's just the resulting field disturbance/wave interactions.

Thought I'd watch some precure, found myself crying though half the ep for some reason. After that the most insignificant thing set me off when I found we were out of tape. I kicked my door out of it's frame and went for my gun. I sat there with it for a while, telling myself to just do it and get it over with already.
I have no good reason not to.
My best years are behind me and they weren't even that good.
Seems I also knocked a large dent into the wall.
The road ahead leads to nothing

I knew about ETH when it was $20. I could have been rich and never have to think about money ever again. And yet I didn't act. I'm a fool. I wish I never heard about it back then, because even though I would be in the exact same situation and still be poor today, I would not feel regret.

>>26881
i found btc when it had just hit $100. my immediate thought was this will hit $1000 in a couple of months and its my chance to make a lot of money for a teenager. i once tried to tell about bitcoin to my classmates but everyone was like "yeah whatever weirdo". i was like 14 at the time and had just gotten my first and to this day my only computer. but guardians were retarded and even today against buying things from the internet. i wanted very much to buy crypto then but they wouldnt let me borrow their cards. i was honest, afraid of my guardians and without foresight i couldnt think of stealing. recently my mom apologized and said "we" could be rich by now. i think im good at managing money, maybe because im 1/4th jewish, but life sucks. ive always liked reading about stocks, developing economies etc. the first time someone asked me what i want to be when i grow up i was about 6 and answered "economist". every time i saved money when i was in school, my guardians would take it from me. at one point i gave up saving, and just blow everything on junk food whenever i have $10. dont even have a bank account. i used to talk about crypto in some of the first discord servers like a schizo bible salesman even though i couldnt buy any. by the time i turned 18 i had already given up control of my life, and since then i think "its too late" every day more. also i love cryptology very much, much more so than money, and i think im really good at it. if my life hadnt been so shit i think id have definitely ended up working with cryptocurrencies.

>>26881
>>26882
Do you really think this is the last time something will get big, and never again will such an opportunity present itself? Statistically, that's nearly impossible. Look for other things to invest in and get into it.

You already have an advantage by being more open-minded and curious than most people.

>>26882
I feel for you. I knew it had a ton of potential too, but I was too retarded to figure out how to mine the stuff, and didn't know of any sites that sold it out right.

Pls if you know what's gonna be the next big think that will make lots of moneys in the future and save us from miserable existance pls say it here ok? Thanks.

>>26882
Damn, that sucks

>>26885
That's kind of the point of /$/.
That said, Tesla seems like a safe bet, but their share prices are pricey to get into. I know a lot of people who seem convinced beyond any doubt that AMC is supposed to boom in price 'any day now'. Myself, I've had my eye on SHIB coin for a while. It's still stupidly cheap. I'm sitting on 10 million coins of it at the moment. there's not a 0% chance it might someday become worthless, but it's done well so far at least.

>>26887
Tesla is anything but. They are incredibly overvalued, they are a meme share. Now, because the price has been pushed up so much it has meant that the CEO has been able to use that to further the growth of the company(he has sometime like 60% of his share in Tesla as collateral against loans) so the meme value of it has grown the company. However, they only recently started making a profit and much of that is through selling emission credits for the first quarter this year they made 1.1 Billion in Profits with $350 million of that being through emission credits. Their profits are rising but they are still at a PE ratio of 111 meaning for every 111 dollars you spend they make 1 dollar, the Automotive industry average is 17.5. And Tesla has had pretty much no competition for all this time, that is changing. It's a bubble we just don't know when it will pop.

>>26885
Qredo
XCM
If Kadena goes on another meteoric rise, buy Flux, it always trails Kadena.

>>26888
I bought a lot of their shares around $500. I believed it would soon hit $1000 a share the way it was going, and told others this too who thought I was an idiot.
Experts kept saying it was over valued and continued to rise to around $800 before starting a suden fall. I held for a while, but eventually I jumped ship after believing others saying exactly what you have around the $500 mark so as to not lose the money I had. It didn't keep falling however and instead traded sideways for a while. Now it's at $1,000+ a share. If I held strong and ignored the naysayers, I'd be up an extra $25,000 right now or more.

>>26885
Keep in mind that there's millions of other people shilling their pyramid-scheme cum-shitcoins, and you'd be foolish to invest in those. And more generally for every one idea/company/stock/etc. that takes off, there's a dozen others that end up flopping; the one that takes off might not even necessarily be something revolutionary, and conversely many genuinely novel and revolutionary ideas end up flopping.

>>26892
Well that's the nature of a bubble, I'm not saying you can't make money of it but it's far from safe.

Making money off a bubble is easy: just buy before it balloons, and sell before it pops.

>>26898
Hindsight is 20/20.

I'm barely holding on, and I don't even know what I'm holding onto.

walking into a void.

Can't ever seem to get anywhere.

fear.

twice exceptional.
unending hyperfocus.

>>26910
Why are her eyes blue?

fear.

>>26913
I... don't know either. Perhaps she's an impostor?

im going to become something very amazing.
i might be mute, but i like to help others.
my wish is to be together with everyone else.
im afraid. very very afraid. i think ill fail.
sorry again, and goodbye.

i just wanted to post this image.

off we go into the wild blue yonder

>>26923
I've always found it interesting how otherwise talented artists can't draw shoes worth a damn. This photo is a particularly amusing example, the artist very clearly just traced a line on the feet and added spikes for the heals.

live in fame or die in flame

>>26924
I'm pretty sure if you're wearing high heels, your feet can't even bend like that. You'd have to be on your tippy toes.

>>26926
Yeah I think artists make the mistake of thinking they should conform to the body the way clothing does.

fear fear fear.

It's hard to imagine any scenario in which I might someday be content with my life, regardless of how much time work or effort I put into anything.

I spent the last two years of my life exclusively looking for people to fill my void.

i think i have a gift and i want to share it very much. ill try my best and do everything im supposed to do but i think it wont be enough. im in a hole and when i look up i dont see a light. i love other people very much, i want to make others happy, i want to be together with everyone else and show nice things to others. i think i wont make it, im very afraid. i feel like i have a purpose but i wont get to fulfill it. i wish i could start over. please god. please let me be. im very afraid.

jumping from a cliff thinking i can fly.

afraid. i wish i could start over.
sorry for making a lot of posts. i think im done. sorry.

something very nice was here. now it will be lost forever in time.

i think i will kill myself today. there are plenty of overpasses and viaducts nearby, i just have to walk to one and throw myself over the rail guard. i think the next things that happen after i make this post are i will sit in my room for some more minutes or hours, maybe cry some more, write a sorry mom note, and then go.
i dont know. i think im very lucky to have been made this way, im very proud of my mind, i just wish i could have spent my childhood and teenage years learning programming, about computers, and drawing. i cant live knowing ive lost the best 20 years of my life living every day in a nightmare. i wouldnt care if i could have spent all my time dedicated to learning but i couldnt. and anyways its too late now. i dont know. i think i have the spirit, like no one else does, but i couldnt bring it out. i just wanted to program and draw. i wish i could go back in time. i dont wish i were born again wealthier, better looking or anything, none of that matters to me, just that i had a computer and a drawing tablet when i was like 10 at most. i would grow up to be the happiest person on earth. i cant do it like this.
im afraid of death. i dont want to die but theres no point in living anymore. i like making things, i think thats what im very good at, but i dont have a future anymore, no matter how i try to look at reality, i dont see an escape. i really wish i could have my childhood back. i dont know. i wish there were a benevolent god watching over all this.

>>26942
Hello. Are you still there?

>>26942
All I can say is that your post resonated (not word for word, but the general gist, and especially the last few sentences I love programming and anime and in an ideal world I would just spend my days idly working on whatever suits my fancy – maybe like a character in one of those slice of lifes (not New Game though) – without any real cares and genuinely being able to enjoy life. Assuming you are the same anon who had posted above and elsewhere in this thread, it is clear that you are in emotional and/or mental anguish/pain and I can only sympathize (from the narrow perspective of projecting your words onto my own life, for it's my sincerely belief that no one can ever truly empathize with another, and saying so would be dishonest) and hope that you will eventually be happy [or perhaps, face a painless and freeing liberation from this plane].

>>26942
You've been posting both here and in magicchan, I can recognize the incoherent style. It seems you even started to argue with yourself? It's like a window to a destroyed mind you can't really interact with.
I don't know what to say, your mental state seems very bad and your posts feel more like a death rattle than an attempt to communicate. I'm not in very good shape either, but I want to believe I keep my reason intact, though maybe I'm delusional and we're pretty much the same.
You're still alive, aren't you? Can you read us?

>>26943
This is giving me some Cross Channel vibes.

>>26945
>>26943
yes, sorry. its embarrassing. i still think ill kill myself soon, maybe today or tomorrow. theres just nothing left to try, nothing left to do, or even recollect. i just cry, eat, sleep and repeat. i feel a lot of shame for how ive lived. and regret that ive never done things i think i could have done. i failed myself, i cant live up to my own expectations of myself anymore. theres no way out of the hole im in. sorry for attentionwhoring so much. ill probably stop now. sorry.

>>26947
No need to feel embarrassed, anon, this is what this thread is for.
I hope things get better for you, regardless of what you choose to do from hereon. You talked about your talents, but what is preventing you from doing those activities(programming and drawing)? If things are too bad for your due to your domestic situation, you could consider disappearing. Just pick a train/cab to another distant place and start anew. It's a less radical solution than suicide, and you can always suicide later if you so wish. But a radical change of setting sometimes is great. Present your new identity as you see fit or as you wanted it to be.
If you draw then you can charge for commissions on Patreon or something, I've seen many beginner artists charge reasonable amount of dollars, and there seems to be an ever-constant demand for this sort of thing. Sako Toshio of Usogui fame started when he was almost 30, prior to that he was a hairdresser.
I hope this post did not came as moralizing or anything. If you choose to commit suicide then may you have the death you wish for. But as you said you don't want to die but wanted to create things and make people happy. If the problem is the management dead-end job you talked about, then you could save money by doing commissions here and there, and/or move somewhere entirely different, then take a part-time job until your skills become great enough for you to live off on them. I'm just saying this because by reading your posts you come as someone who has a passion for creating things, and I think you should give this passion a chance, it's not like you have much to lose.

>>26947
Don't misunderstand me, I just wished you could also communicate or interact with others (in the internet), you seem trapped in your own mind and I know how is it being there. I don't really know your situation to be able to give the slightest useful advice, though I know expectations can kill. If I had any expectations to start with I would be already dead for sure. I'm almost dead even without them.

>>26947
As someone who's in what feels like a similar situation, I think I can understand where you're coming from and what you're feeling at the moment. Sometimes it seems like each day is worse than the last, like there's no hope for improvement ect ect. But.. during the brief times I'm able to think clearly (which is very hard in this emotional storm of a god awful life I live) I do think to myself that maybe there's only a lack of hope and possibility for a half way decent future, because I've stubbornly refuse to change the course of life I'm on. I often get the urge to kill myself, because there doesn't appear to be any reason not to with the way things are now, but in those windows of clarity I think, if I'm going to kill myself anyway, maybe it wouldn't hurt to at least 'try' something else. I think you could too anon. Think of it this way; if you're going to die anyway, then what's the worst than can happen if you do something which puts your life in danger? Worst case scenario, you reach the same end result. Best case or even average outcome would result in a change to your life for the better. Seems a bit like common sense to at least try, but I can totally 100% understand not being able to see things that way when your vision is clouded by negative emotions. It might help a lot of try and take a bit of a vacation/break from your normal life for a few days, so something completely different that would clear your mind, and think things over. The reality is we all have options and different paths we can choose to take, and sure they might not be perfect, but if the path you're on is a dead end road, then what's the harm in changing directions?

>>26946
That's not what's going on, for me at least. I just didn't really know what else to say.

sometimes it feels like society goes out of its way to actively try and take away all other means I have of escaping it

For a while I had convinced myself my life was only a little off-course and if I really put the effort in I could make things alright whenever, but it's finally sinking in just how much of my life I've wasted and how many doors are closed to me now.

It feels like my emotions or ability to feel are buried under a ton of concrete. Permanently stuck in a sate of forlorn sadness yet never able to surface that in any way, and at the same time unable to derive any joy from what little activities I used to. The only thing I really feel is a weary tiredness of the world and of the perpetually dull wake/sleep cycle.

>>26968
Shit forgot the cute anime girl. Since edits can't add images, here's the complementary 2d token.

>>26968
I think that's basically what depression is.

>>26970
Maybe. I don't really know or care what the shrinks diagnose things as though considering that "depression" as a colloquial word is too overloaded at this point to have specificity, psychological issues have no quantitative metric so they basically rely on matching self-reported answers to pointed questions against a "standardized" rulebook (DSM-V probably), and perhaps most importantly it's not like they can actually do anything. They'd just load you up with SSRI-s and call it a day. And "therapy" is basically a sham that I think only helps for people who benefit from "talking things out."

Some psychedelics have shown promise in treating similar symptoms, but that's more a topic for >>/420/ and perhaps more importantly without a cohesive theory of the mind you're still basically "debugging in prod" and there's no way to tell if there might be any adverse effects on any specific individual (e.g. anecdotal reports that psychedelics can trigger latent schizophrenia).

>>26971
i broke out of an emotionless phase after 4-5 years of chronic pain, what helped me focus on stuff was listening while on walks or watching anime in the bath as it reduced distractions

the first anime that i laughed and genuninely enjoyed oddly was the prisma illya slice of life season which made me burst out laughing multiple times

>>26982
Thank you for your response. I've been trying my own concocted meditation scheme where I try to rekindle any positive emotion by attempting to focus on stimulus that I used to enjoy, and then trying to locate an "echo" of feelings produced and trying to guide it to the surface. More concretely, I do the following:

* Sit in a meditative posture, eyes closed
* Start with a concrete stimulus. E.g. I have a show that I remember brought me indescribable joy, and I used to listen to the entire album quite often. So I pick a song from there, and play it.
* Start my attention on that song, and then slowly move the attention inward. That is, away from physically listening to the lyrics and instead trying to search for any internal feelings kindled by it.
* Try to imagine those buried feelings being brought to the surface, culminating in a smile. I honestly have not gotten to this step, but in the meantime I'm sort of just "faking" a smile (and trying imagine an internal state of joy) in hopes that the missing link will somehow be built.
* Part 2: Repeat with a non-physical stimulus. In my case, I try to imagine the characters from that SoL, their friendships, and try to almost imagine being able to feel the warmth of those feelings.

I can't really say if it's working or not, I'll let you know in 6 months maybe. At the very least I feel meditating on anime & the engendered feelings is something that's less boring than trying to focus on the breath or meditating on emptiness (neither of which seemed to work all that well.)

>watching anime in the bath as it reduced distractions
I guess part of my issue is that I do not want to watch anime if I am not in the right mood to appreciate it. There's no point watching a comedy show when you lack the ability to laugh, and no point watching a SoL when the tender feelings are as solid as metal. The counterargument might nonetheless be that just starting to watch shows – mechanistic as it may be at first – may possible rekindle something. I guess that's true in principle, but I'm not prepared to ruin a show that I've assigned a high value to for this purpose. If at all, I'd start off by watching shows I'd previously dropped or ones I don't care much about.

>>26984

>Thank you for your response. I've been trying my own concocted meditation scheme where I try to rekindle any positive emotion by attempting to focus on stimulus that I used to enjoy, and then trying to locate an "echo" of feelings produced and trying to guide it to the surface. More concretely, I do the following:

I still feel now at times when I try force myself to have emotions it frustrates me. My enjoyment is not pure adrenaline-style of young-mid adolesence, but more of a satisfied way (unless its a cool fight scene). I found music was a good source of enjoyment though as my chronic pain is related to my eyes, and I also used to practice the piano every day for at least an hour to give my eyes a rest. I did zen mediation a lot too alongside physical fitness (as my eyes were so painful my anxiety was lessened I didn't mind going the gym) and it helped. I think it's important to look at mediation as living a way of life, rather than a way to escape your problems like it seems western mindfulness mediation does.

>I guess part of my issue is that I do not want to watch anime if I am not in the right mood to appreciate it. There's no point watching a comedy show when you lack the ability to laugh, and no point watching a SoL when the tender feelings are as solid as metal. The counterargument might nonetheless be that just starting to watch shows – mechanistic as it may be at first – may possible rekindle something. I guess that's true in principle, but I'm not prepared to ruin a show that I've assigned a high value to for this purpose. If at all, I'd start off by watching shows I'd previously dropped or ones I don't care much about.

This is interesting as I did absolutely the opposite. Initially when I found anime (around the time my eyes went bad) I loved stuff like Death Note, Chuunibyou and especially Fairy Tail as I still had some hope my eyes would be fixed and it was a welcome escape from my life of complete social ineptness. However within five months my mind dulled from all the pain and in the next few years my average anime rating was between 4-5 with about two shows at an 8 (I watched a lot of shows). Illya must have been like 2-3 years into my neetdom and I think because it was such a dumb show it caught me off guard (for the record I watched it since I like Fate, would usually avoid loli stuff). Then I realised longer shows tended to do it for me, especially shounens which mostly focus on reversing terrible situations that I could self insert into (as my situation was isolation and pain). I used to listen to scenes from shows like Naruto on repeat for hours on end at times, like it was some crazy brainwashing technique but the fact you don't have to pay attention to 50% of things in shounens meant my poor attention was okay and I could switch to a show when a cool fight happened. This was all in tandem with figuring out ways to reduce my eye pain. If it weren't for injury I doubt my discipline would have waned much in terms of physical health, but it was a major aid in me eventually mentally recovering. My life at this time was neetbux (disability initialy) genuinely just going the gym, playing the piano, watching anime and speaking to people in online chatrooms. If I thought about giving up I'd know it'd mean eventual miserable suicide so I wanted to at least try and pull of a cool reversal of fortunes.

I now live away from my family and I wouldn't really say I'm actually depressed anymore despite all I went through. Still not satisfied and there's a lot I'd change, but frustratingly that's barricaded by physical health issues. I'm writing a lot to tell you that a reversal from anhedonia isn't impossible, unlike what online forums say (like /r/anhedonia) who had the impression you can't change (most of them were druggies tho). My biggest regret though is not having the attitude I have now when I was younger, as surely I'd have done something cool.

I work at a fast food joint, and nearly everybody dislikes me as I very often screw up. The customers look at me with disdain, and the intra-restaurant gossip would be hurtful if I had more than one iota of ego and self-respect. Everyday I put on a smile and gather optimism, and I tell myself that I'll do a good job, but an inadequate performances inevitably ensues. Then my mood sours, and things get worse on the job.
At least I'm not homeless.

>>27000
This is why I try to be extra nice to fast food employees and people who work customer service. knowing how horribly you guys get treated by everyone else makes me feel bad.

Suicidal persons are told to be cowards for using methods which involve actions of other people. I feel I might be just lucky enough to pass away with the excuse of a physical disease.

>>27001
To be fair, I deserve it for the most part. But thank you for being a good person.

>>27008
I'm not sure why you'd say that. Is it because you screw up a lot on the job? If so I think that's more of an issue with the job than yourself when it comes to jobs like this. assuming that's the case, it's unreasonable to expect people to prepare hundreds of meals and or process at least as many transactions each and every day, and not mess up here and there. You're only human anon.

>>27000

i will buy a burger at every fast food placei n the world so one day i can be served a burger by a tohno chan member

>>27011
I wonder if I've ever passed by any TC readers. Statistically unlikely given that there's probably less than 100 people who even use this site, and TC members are likely to spend more time indoors than not. But it's fun to imagine that I'm not alone in my suffering and unbeknownst to me there's some other poster in this thread nearby.

>>27014
If you're in a big city it's probably more likely than you think.

I told myself I need to do it this year, but to do it right I need to buy the proper material, and it's become a pain in the ass.
Everything's got a price to it, huh...

white hole.

if each person agreed to care only about others, then, for each person, it would be like the whole world cares about you.

i wish i could be myself. im different. feels like theres a galaxy of things inside me and i want to show it. i love the world and i love others. i wish i had freedom.
i wish i could express myself. i wish i could start over.

>>27024
What's holding you back?

>>27025
there are tons of problems. like im anemic, i feel tired all the time. im very malnourished as healthy food is expensive and im poor even by third world standards. i live in a very unstable and volatile country, even going out and walking to the grocery store is scary. people say its going to become much worse in the next years, like venezuela or syria bad. i have very awful parents, if im crazy it surely is in part because both of them are clearly mentally ill as well. sometimes they do things thinking theyre doing the best for me but any sane individual could tell theyre doing something very wrong, sometimes they just lose their minds and do unspeakable things and regret it themselves later. like i remember when i was about 5 i used to be physically tortured by my father, tied to a chair and he took pictures of it and then posted on the internet, sometime later my classmates found it. i myself wouldnt have remembered/believed it if i hadnt found the pictures, i reckon i must have a lot of repressed memories, sometimes i feel like remembering very embarrassing and demoralizing things but i quickly tell myself its nothing and stop trying to remember it. my mother used to choke me with one hand and put the other hand over my mouth so i couldnt scream, that was when i was about 10. i had a very scary stepfather who would beat my mom and he had decided my whole life for me until i was 40 he wanted me to be a judge or civil servant when i myself thought id do better as a financial analyst or a physicist. there was also my grandmother who was scary in her own way, well a lot of people. most of all these people controlled my life, ive never had a say on anything, ive always felt like a spectator or a prisoner of their whims. you wouldnt believe me how scarred my skin is, whenever i go outside people look at my wounds, my scars and bruises and they ask are you ok, a classmate once called me "ash tray" because it looks like someone puts cigarettes on my skin (not entirely off the mark). i dont know but the feedback i got from being just a little bit "myself" in school made me think i had immense potential, even though every day was confusing and i couldnt process everything and i wasnt even trying i still performed phenomenally, like there were the brightest two or three students in every class, and then there was me. teachers would often come up to me privately, when no other student was near, and they would say "i really like you, like i really like you". its not that i myself think that way, its just the things ive always heard people talk about me, and the way ive been treated, and objective measures like being able to accomplish a certain task by yourself in 15 minutes when it takes groups of 5 people to accomplish the same task in 50 minutes, and the most important difference is the quality, the way the task was accomplished. i dont know there are a lot of things but please believe me, its not my fault, ive tried even when there was nothing i could try. ive lost my youth i just wish i had it back, i wish i had been born to a different family and that i could have spent all my childhood madly studying art and mathematics in my own way, id be so happy by now. i dont know its all confusing, im only starting to make sense of everything now so to someone else it must be even more so. sorry for typing a word salad, when people call me crazy i feel a bit complimented but when they call me annoying it hurts a lot.
right now im thinking of trying again, starting from zero. i think escapism isnt for me, every time when i boot up a visual novel or a videogame i feel something gnawing at me, i feel like my chest turns into a whirlpool of black water and i start crying. i cant pay attention, my mind always wanders away and i imagine what if my life were different. so i think theres no running away, i think john calvin is right, free will and predetermination are not mutually exclusive. my plan is to get a bs in applied and computational mathematics from a top 100 university, its not the mit but people say its not that bad, then a ms in something like quantum information theory and then a phd in quantum cryptography, or related fields. its going to be very difficult because in addition to studying university things (i will study to get top grades every semester and take several free electives), i will also have to teach myself a lot of programming languages and things about computers they dont teach in this course, also 4 languages (korean japanese russian and chinese), and i reckon ill spend a couple hours each day drawing. there are a lot of things i want to learn basically, i think even a 10 year stable education period wont be enough, and ill do post docs as an excuse to learn more and improve, this is just the bare minimum im not even going to study music, i love music but i only have a superficial grasping of it, i wish i could study music in depth one day too. so i wonder if this is at all possible, like my mother is very old right now and theres no telling when she will die, and like i said i live in a very unstable country i wonder if basic social functions will make it through another decade here. needless to say i wont have time to do things like watch anime, ive never gotten to have much fun even with computers but now i know for a fact ill spend at least a decade without anything just work every day because i believe in something i think is very important, i feel like i have the energy of a million stars in my chest and i want to unleash them, i will do so even if theres no one else to see them, i will try even knowing ill fail. "the attitude must be of William the Silent: no hope to undertake, nor to succeed in order to persevere". basically ill spend a long time just studying, it will take a long while before i publish anything noteworthy but in the meantime i will post a lot of drawing etudes but thats assuming i can get a cintiq 34 which is only an infinitesimally small possibility at the moment. i dont know so thats why it feels like walking through a door into the void, i think i have something inside me, i can promise its real, but i think my life was destroyed and now trying my genuine best wont be enough, i feel awesome but at the same time fated to die without being able to communicate. feels like sinking, being crushed by underwater pressure, so deep light rays barely reach you, drowning, and being buried in the sand.
i dont know sorry for posting its 3:41 where i live and i just woke up from a nightmare. sorry.

>>27037
Sounds like you have a lot of things on your plate. I think you're trying to shoulder too many things at once and it's instead paralyzing you from actually doing anything. I believe it's important to temper your expectations. I was very much the same and ended up eventually giving up on everything. I'm probably not qualified to offer you any advice because of that but I can only suggest that you try to work on the things that are more feasible (in accordance with your ability) like studying programming and putting aside the likes of learning a new language, drawing or music. I'm not completely sure about your living situation or what you're specifically doing now but if living with your parents is having a detrimental effect on you, would it not be sensible to move out and live on your own? I'm sorry if I'm being too intrusive but a quick search shows me that you're in the same timezone as Japan. If you feel comfortable sharing, which region of the world are you in specifically?

>>27037
Take things a step at a time. When your goals stretch so far into the future, things are very unlikely to go exactly as planned. When I was young and making an attempt to rebound from my miserable childhood, I wanted the security of being a medical doctor, and I had all sorts of plans about how I might do an MD-PhD program, what I might research, how early I would retire, and all manner of other plans which practically spanned my whole life. However, not long after starting down that road, I discovered that I enjoyed the physical sciences and mathematics a lot more, and now I am a PhD student doing computational science research and private tutoring. Keep an open mind or you might end up even more unhappy than before by shoehorning yourself into a job you hate. You might find academics as a whole to be totally miserable; if so, I would implore you to drop out of school and try something else. I do hope you enjoy mathematics, though; I think it is a profoundly beautiful subject similar to the ideals found in 2D.

>>27038 is correct about tempering your expectations a bit; there is only enough time in the day to do so much. Still, if you try things out and only stick with what you enjoy, it becomes much easier to stay consistent. This also leaves you time for hobbies like anime or games.

>>27039
>similar to the ideals found in 2D
Hard disagree. 2d is idealized, simplified escapism unbound by logic and rules (which math definitely isn't, it's all logic and rules).

To me, math is a cold, brutal, grueling, tedious subject learned in school. Even you have to admit math takes work. I think you're conflating two things you happen to like.

Post edited on 19th Jan 2022, 2:40pm

>>27037
What the other anons is mostly solid, I believe. Having a general idea of where you want to go and how and whatnot is great, but situations, ideas and aspirations change, and it's good to be flexible and not overplan, lest you trap yourself in a hell of your own making, for sticking to a life you couldn't know you wouldn't enjoy. Also, trying to do too much is a great way to not do anything, I've been there myself. Lastly, please do try to not lose yourself; do keep in mind what you love and what keeps you going, and look forward to it, I might be projecting, but I do feel it is helpful advice.

Assuming you're the guy that has posted here a couple of times before, I don't think I had directed a word towards you before, mostly because most of my advice is garbage, and empty words help no one, but you seem like an interesting dude. This might mean nothing (as might most of what I write), but I really do hope you get to find yourself in a better situation at some point. Good luck!

>>27040
>To me, math is a cold, brutal, grueling, tedious subject learned in school. [...]
I think that's too harsh of a description. I'm not exactly a mathematician but as I see it, mathematics is a discipline about building idealized scenarios and exploring the consequences and outcomes of such systems, studying the behavior and interactions of components within; it is a pure, ideal science, unbound by the constraints of the real world and limited only by what one can think of (in a manner similar to 2D). I don't disagree it can be a hard subject (and don't believe people that are into 2D would necessarily also be interested in math), but it can lead to some particularly beautiful ideas and the analogy, while odd at first, doesn't seem unfitting to me.

>>27041
>>27039
By computational science research you mean theoretical cs? If so, props to you: I only took a smattering of grad-level courses here, and even relatively "well-known" results like circuit complexity lower bounds and probabilistic proof systems quickly get into the weeds. At times it really felt like I was just bounding some random crap on some stupidly artificial setup ("what if we had two provers, but gave them the ability to communicate a single bit once...") and I quickly lost sight of the original elegance that so attracted me to TCS in undergrad. Of course, I suppose at the cutting edge of research all fields are like that.

But yeah as the other poster said, math definitely has an elegance, but what you're taught in school is not the best way to see this. At school/university your journey will be too hurried and often only focused on solving concrete problems – they never take the time to build the intuition and see the elegance of the framework itself. It feels I could spend an entire lifetime solely studying a relatively "ancient" field like linear algebra and all its connections to everything, and I wouldn't even be scratching the surface of what modern mathematics has to offer.

Everyday I realize I've strayed further and further from what's expected of me not only as a person in society but as a human and I am really not liking it much.
I wish I could be a hermit without judgement from society but alas, there's only one realistic option.

>>27058
That's a familiar feeling for me too these days.
Total isolation is such a nice dream, no judgement, no even from yourself, your ego dissolves and you can simply contemplate without any pain. But that will never happen. Sometimes I enjoy the first few seconds after I wake up because I'm not exactly conscious about how old I am, what's my situation, who I'm, what I felt bad about. Just merely being it's an enormous relief, just feeling "normal" for an instant seems like the most amazing thing. Then the brain activates and it's all fucked up again.

>>27043
Theoretical chemistry, actually. I simulate molecules on the computer. I didn't think anyone would care about the specifics.
> what you're taught in school is not the best way to see this
Agreed; I can't really fault most people for being turned off to math, given that's usually their only exposure. When I do tutoring, I try my best to do things the right way by providing clear, complete arguments and revealing abstract, underlying structures and patterns whenever helpful. Hopefully they go off to see math as a much more rich subject, rather than a barren wasteland of cumbersome manipulations and formula memorization.

>>27041
Well said. I will add that I have metaphysical beliefs about the world very similar to Platonism; those that do not may have a harder time finding value in math. I feel like immersing myself in math draws me closer to some timeless, immaterial, and beautiful side of reality where everything is as simple and good as can be. I think the ideal fruits of our imaginations, like 2D, also exist in this realm, possibly as combinations or manifestations of other ideals. This is my most powerful cope against hell world: in my view, there is absolutely no reason to care about physical world nonsense when we can peer into The Immaterial.

im at a mental health clinic.
some nights ago my mother said she would take me to a relatives home to help raise money for my cintiq. she left me at a clinic without even saying farewell.
i couldnt sleep there and i wanted to phone my mom very badly but they wouldnt let me. i tried to escape to get their attention, i jumped through a hole in the wall and ran away. guards caught up with me and let me phone my mom but she didnt want to talk to me. then i tried escaping again for attention and phoned her again but she didnt want to talk to me.
the following morning an ambulance arrived at that clinic and my mom phoned me and told me to get inside because theyd take me home. i didnt believe her but the guards there shoveled me in. they made threats and were very violent.
then i arrived at a hardcore clinic, i thought i would like it even worse there but i loved the people there. they were all young crazy weird and interesting, the kind of people i love the most. there was a very kind guy there and he talked to me and i think we became friends even though i dont know his name. my 2nd friend in my whole life. he was very kind, everyone there had big hearts.
i stayed a night there and was then transferred to another clinic, where i currently am. here the people are mostly very old and/or brain dead drug addicts but the staff have been very kind to me. theyre letting me use my laptop and the internet unlike anyone else because theyve realized im a case apart. im getting a lot of vip treatment to be fair. but they tell me things like i need real life friends not online friends (like i have online friends in the first place), i shouldnt stay online for more than 3 hours a day, i need to exercise and have a normal life, i need to think about things other than drawing and programming etc.
im probably going to stay here 30 to 60 days if i behave very well as ive been. thats assuming my mom wont leave me here my whole life.
theres not much to do when they dont let me use my laptop except stare at my toes while wishing i had a cintiq and that i had a normal life. and wishing things werent like this. i just wish i could start over. i like imagining everything i want to draw, how id draw, and that sort of thing. i like imagining having spent my childhood just studying programming and drawing every day quietly in my room. i wish my life werent controlled by other people like this.
ill try to use my laptop time productively. probably study anatomy. but really when im not using it i have to try hard to not cry thinking of everything i wanted to do in this life. i dont know i just want to draw a lot.
ill try not to post again because i dont want to lose my right to use my laptop. they didnt say i cant use the internet to talk to other people but i assume they wouldnt like it much.
i dont know theres a ton of things i wanted to say but thats it. i havent given up yet, i think theres something nice inside me and i want to share it or at least pursue it but i think i wont accomplish more in my life than daydreaming about it. all i have is the faint memory of something wonderful.

>>27079
Anon, this sounds like quite the horror to be honest. I wish you can make it out from there without becoming insane.

On a different note, you sound a bit like one of those artists who is not making art, just planning and waiting for things to become ideal before you can start creating. If I'm wrong I'm sorry. But in any case, you don't need any expensive tool to draw. Just pencil and paper and upload it somewhere. Or you can try making 3D models and scenes on your laptop. Or start programming. You don't need to learn much, just start small projects and finish them and you learn as you go.

>>27079
Honestly, considering your spamming in magicchan, this isn't surprising at all.
I have imagined scenarios like that and I couldn't live trough it. If I'm going to lose all my freedom and control over my life I'll be better off dead. That's why I supress most of my deplorable mental state manifestations and I'll never attend to a psychologist.

>>27079
Interesting read. There was once a time when I was open to being admited to something like that in hopes of making friends. Sorry to hear about the transfer. Any chance of being sent back to the previous nuthouse?

i have three room mates. one is an old black guy who was addicted to crack. in the few nights ive been here he has already got his pants dirty twice and p*ed on the floor. the guy who sleeps above me looks like terry davis and is very christian. he listens to his gospel radio stations well into the middle of the night when everyone else is trying to sleep and prays loudly. he shouts hallelujah all the time. the third guy is relatively normal and doesnt talk much. ive been put in charge of keeping this room clean.
other notable residents include a guy with some severel mental disability who speaks gibberish and everyone mocks him, a very manly trans girl, an elder who lost his mind and talks to himself while pacing around, a cocaine addicted young black rastafari-wanna be who says "we're all time travelers", and the "cool kids" who have cigarettes.
the bathrooms are disgusting. on average theres only one bathroom for each 15 patients. toilet paper use is very limited. sometimes the toilets wont flush. the toilets are two feet away from the showers, which are cold for most of the day. only 5 minutes of showering for each patient.
the food is horrible. theres only a piece of bread with a little butter for breakfast. other meals are mostly rice. i already miss things like pizza and ice cream. there are 4 meals a day in total, and we have to pray three times before each meal.
they give me very strong meds at dinner time and i fall asleep right after dinner (18:30). then i wake up at around 2am and cant sleep for the rest of the night. then i feel asleep in the morning.
there are two "meetings" i have to attend every day even though theyre mostly about drug addiction recovery. i just sit there listening to someone read the bible or repeating the 12 steps of the alcoholics anonymous. as far as i know im the only person here who has never had a drug or alcohol problem.
i get to use my laptop a few hours a day then spend the rest of the day staring at my toes. theres really nothing to do most of the day. theres a "tv room" but its boring netflix stuff 24/7. theres a chess set but i doubt anyone would want to play. and snooker but im not into it. i daydream to keep myself occupied.
the master psychologist has said its going to be around 75 days for me (at first he said 30, then 60, and now its 75).
technically the reason why im here is severe suicidal depression. ive been a hiki for five years since highschool. it got worse in the weeks prior to now, i had been crying every day nonstop in my bedroom. my mom found the goodbye note i wrote and we had been arguing over buying a cintiq.
sometimes staff members call me for a "talk" because they want to "help me" but they just give me generic dudebro advice like "you have to learn to smile". sometimes i try to say something but im usually interrupted before i can finish a sentence. im trying to tell them there are practical reasons why im depressed and how they can help but they wont listen. the most help they can give me honestly is help me convince my mom to buy me a cintiq 24 pro. i really want it, its like a musical instrument ive fallen in love with. im trying to tell them i can feel happy and fulfilled drawing, that ive dreamed about drawing my whole life, that it can make me financially independent and my mom has the money to invest but they say things like you have to stop thinking about drawing, you have to think about a "real" job and so on. theyre projecting their views of an ideal "normal" life on me. ill just be honest and tell them thats not going to make me happy, that my case is very simple actually and how they can help if they really want to.
i spoke to my mom through the phone just now but i didnt even get to say what i wanted to tell her. the psychologist told me i should tell her im fine otherwise ill be transferred to another clinic again. so i just told her im already getting better.
honeslty im fine. im used to all of this.im 23 years old and so far this is what my whole life has been like. just getting crushed under other peoples boots like an insect. always told what to do,what to say and what to think. i scream help but no one seems to hear. all i can do is live in my own mind and imagine myself living the life i can't have. ive already lived 23 years like this. what is another 2 months? ill be patient and play their game. i think of all of this as just a temporary inconvenience.
i used to say i love all people. i still do very strongly, but im starting to think most people have hearing problems and wont understand even very simple things.
ill study the mangamaterials content on e-hentai and try to learn haskell with my laptop. my laptop stays in the library room (self help books i wont read). its like a tiny office. a bit comfy really. honeslty my time here wont be wasted if i can learn a lot of things. i have a very long term plan to learn a lot of things, i want to start with programming languages and i think haskell will be the first of them.
i dont know. i just daydream a lot about being able to draw everything i imagine. im very proud of my mind and i want to use it to its full extent but each day the "light within" grows dimmer. ive already lost my first and best 23 years of life but i still feel like i can be super. i cant cry because it will probably make my stay longer but all i have is my imagination and i like imagining things which make me want to cry.
i dont know. sorry for blogposting, longposting and attentionwhoring. and thank you for the attention and the support. it helps a lot.

ive had a dream where i was sayas father and she was crying a lot. i tried to comfort her but it didnt make her any less sad.
i think it wasnt supposed to be like this. i think theres something special and different inside me and i want to show it. i love other people and want to make others happy.
i dont know i just wish i could start over.

>>27084
Sounds like a great environment(sarcasm). Show your shrink this.

yeah i cant do it. just like when i was at home i cry all the time. today ill try talking to my mom through the phone and ask her to come here and ill try to talk to the staff. i just want to get out of here, get a dth2420k1, go back home, and live as a hikikomori, studying art, music, maths, physics and cs every moment of the day. and drawing, programming and composing. i dont want to stay here another day. im thinking about releasing all my self control and just going wild. run out of here, assaulting everyone on the streets and scream until a cop puts me down. im very tall and well built, and i have a lot of energy, i think it would take at least 5 strong men to contain me. and i guess 5 to 20 times the amount of sedatives needed to contain a normal person. if i end up locked in a cell all alone ill try to snap my own neck or cut my wrists with my fingernails. also im thinking about just going full blown autistic. stop talking completely. stop worrying about the outside world entirely. just live in my own mind. p*e and p*op on my pants, dont eat or drink anything, just focus on my own imagination until this is over. i cant take it anymore.
i think ill go to a nice place. i think ill meet my real mother, god. i know i did everything i could, ive always troden on the path i believe is right, i think god loves me, she will forgive me and comfort me when i get home. shell welcome me with a hug, headpats, and warm chocolate milk, and ill lay in the couch on her lap because im very tired. shell say everything is alright, shell set me free, ill always be together with her and ill be happy forever ever after. people say theres just nothing after death, but my instinct tells me thats exactly what will happen.
i dont know i just wanted to fulfill my role in this world. i think i exist to make things easier for others. i like shining a light on the path when people are lost. i dont like it when people feel any form of pain. i just want everyone to be happy and i want every desire of each person to be fulfilled. i was supposed to spend my time from ages 4 to 18 studying a lot of things every day. then go to an important university and make connections. then give humanity nice things.
i wanted to draw and compose so much. theres really no way to express this. there are things i can see that other people cant but i can show them. there are things you cant imagine, giant giant things, and if you could see them youd feel pleased. i dont know i really wish i could come back to this world just so i could draw. i love drawing so much, you have no idea. and i wanted to show my energy and power through programming.
i dont know i love people so much. everyone is so special.
im very afraid. i dont wanna go. i just wanted to draw and program a lot and show the magic stuff im made of inside.

>>27087
Hold on tight, anon. If you do something now, they might try to keep you in there for longer. You should still be able to program, though. I wonder if you are allowed to have a pen and paper there.

>>27087
I want to comfort you somehow but I have no clue how the fuck to. I think you should try to somehow bear with it, Anon. Don't worry too much about self-improvement right now, just try to calm yourself and get used to your surroundings, it's a good thing for you to try and learn art and programming, especially since that would allow you to be independent of your toxic family, but if you feel that it's making you stressed then just drop it for an hour or two, do something that'll calm you down; maybe watch people draw on niconico or pixiv or something? even if you spend 2 hours a day relaxing when you could be practicing art instead that'll only add up to 150 hours in 75 days. You can just pull a few all nighters when you're out and catch up on the time you missed.
Don't worry about your age either, you still have some 30 years before you'll begin rusting.
Here's a picture I like of a dumb bird to cheer you up. I'll check in everyday if you're feeling like talking

>>27087
To be frank anon, I think your problem isn't your life circumstances, it's whatever you have going on upstairs.

It's likely your life wouldn't have turned out how you wanted it to regardless of where you were born or who your parents were.

There's many people who were abused and or grew up in a bad environment, that don't end up in a psych ward, or constantly crying when left to their own devices.

I'm not telling you this to be an asshole. You've got to let go of your childhood regrets. It's probably not what's at fault for your condition.

Post edited on 5th Feb 2022, 1:31pm

>>27087
Honestly your mom does not sound like a good person. Sticking someone in a "mental hospital" is the epitome of imposing your perspective on others and believing you know best for them, violating all principles of freedom and autonomy in the process. And the experience you described sounds truly horrifying, it reminds me of those stories where perfectly normal people end up in these places as a result of logistical mixups and end up being stuck in there permanently – that kind of experience (the drugging alone) would be enough to turn even a stoic insane.

It further solidifes my conviction that society only pretends to care about the suicidal as a means of washing their hands of them. It's why you see those hotline numbers spammed as soon as the S-word is even mentioned – there's no way a minimum wage hotline worker is qualified to do anything except read off a script, but posting it makes people feel like they've done their part. Not to mention that the notion that someone can even be involuntarily checked into an instition only because "they're a threat to themselves" is a fundamental violation of human autonomy – but mention the possibility of taking your own life and society starts to panic, almost as if they're clinging to a facade by pulling the wool over their eyes to deny the validity of this cause. (Not to mention that this is more evidence that shrinks are not your friend and will not help you either – they'll gladly turn you over to the looney bin the second you mention the S-word).

>>27091
I disagree, based on his story I see nothing that indicates op is genuinely mentally insane – at least not significantly more than the rest of us in this forum are (that is, alientated from society at large, uncomfortable with in person interaction, etc.). Instead, what I see is that he has been unwillingly thrown into a dehumanizing institution, drugged into compliance, and basically treated like those characters in that Cuckoo's Nest novel. The fact that even the supposedly "kind" staff _discourage_ programming and drawing is evidence that the staff honestly have no idea what they are doing.

OP has not shared much about his life circumstances (nor should he, considering that might readily deanonymize him), but since the relationship with his mother seems to be a source of friction, one might infer that there's not much stability there which would absolutely have an impact on quality of life. Yes there are always human outliers – tortured prisoners of war who manage to escape with their sense of sanity and humanity intact – but for the majority of humans, the extent of your creative and intellectual pursuits will be dicated by the environment you are in (hierarchy of needs and all that).

i really dont think i deserve being here either. ive always been very well behaved. i help old ladies at the supermarket, i always cross the street on the crosswalk, i never litter, people tell me im very polite, i never complain, i do all favors people ask from me (a troublemaker in the clinic just asked me to write an essay about personal frustration for him earlier in the morning and i did it for free), i avoid conflict at all costs. at school i was the only student who was always on time, always did my homework, and listened to the teachers instead of talking in the classroom. ive probably spent more time in my life talking with elders than people my age. im not a spoiled son, ive never asked money from my parents for things like clothes, videogames or going out. i try to be the "nice guy" as much as i can. being nice to others is my pride and joy. by comparison most people here have tattoos all over their bodies, and all of them are recovering from drug addiction (im the only person here who has never tried anything. i drink a glass of champagne on new years but thats really all).
anyways. now theyre saying ill stay here 4 months. 4 months.
my mom just visited and i had a talk with her. i usually can barely shower but as my mom visited they even let me look at myself in the mirror. hahaha...
my mom gave me her word she will buy me a decent drawing tablet when i get out of here. i dont expect her to fulfill her promise but i really want to draw. ive wanted to my whole life. i cant wait to get out of here. and id be really happy if my mom were telling the truth. im also sad because my mom could give me what i need right now, she could let me out of here right now. its at least another 4 months of life without drawing and that pains me a lot.
my current plan is to just use all my time studying. ill focus on the theoretical foundations of maths and cs, things like category theory, and programming languages. im assuming my mom wont keep her word, so i wont study anatomy. when i get out, if my mom doesnt keep her word, ill keep studying maths and cs, get a remote job, and save money for the best drawing tablet money can afford. or maybe ill kill myself because i dont have the strength to keep going without drawing. if she keeps her word, ill put away programming for some years and focus on drawing until i can make a living out of it.
in any case my long term plan for life is to accumulate a lot of knowledge on cs, mathematics, physics, computers and languages, as well as art and music. it will take over a decade but i want to eventually be the best at drawing and the best at solving practical problems. i honestly think i can be the best by a very wide margin.
sometimes i think about screwing everything up. sometimes i think about coming up to the therapist and telling her if you dont let me out of here right now im going to escape on my own. and i think about giving up completely and letting myself go completely mad like an animal and kill myself whatever way possible. i think about screeching and assaulting people until someone puts me down because i feel like im on my limit.
i think i have a purpose or a calling in life and im not supposed to give up. i think im supposed to contribute with big things.
i dont know i just wanted to draw. ill be very sad if i die without drawing at least a few of the things i can see. honestly its not even about being the best, i love it so much. i feel a lot of emptiness not being able to draw, i feel like every instant not drawing is an instant ive lost something important to me, i feel like ive had something taken away from me, i feel being lied to, i feel abandoned and hopeless. i feel like im losing tiny pieces of my soul i know ill never have back. the only light i have is my creed.
and i daydream a lot about all the things i fear i might never experience. like discussing abstract ideas in a pleasant university, or just feeling the pen's pressure against the tablet. when im not allowed to use my laptop i get lost in my mental fantasies. and it hurts knowing theyre just fantasies.
i promise if i get out of here and can make through my studying phase, ill be really awesome. learning drawing should take some 2 years from the moment i get a tablet, learning all the other things upwards to a decade, although ill try to improve my whole life. but i promise ill be jaw dropping at everything i do. i promise i will make very nice things for others, for you.
i dont know there are a lot of things i wanted to say but thats the gist of it.
thank you a lot for the words. thank you a lot for putting up with me and giving me attention. you already know this but youre very nice. sorry for making this post.

>>27096
It would be fine for you to draw or read up on anatomy when youre burnt out on studying wouldn't it? Speaking from experience, studying efficiency tends to drop a lot after 3 or so hours of constantly doing it. Even if she doesn't keep her world it'll still be useful practice for when you eventually do get a drawing tablet. Also, you can draw on paper or the computer you know, it might not be as good as a dedicated drawing tablet but it'll do the job.

>>27096
i wish i was your friend

>>27096
Hey, when you get out of there, even if your mom doesn't get you the drawing tablet I'll gladly buy the best damn tablet there is for you if you be my friend

>>27099
Anon is not a puppy or a prostitute.

>>27101
i can make them one

>>27099
The tablet they want is like 2k usd. If you can afford it power to you, but just letting you know. I think they would still be grateful for a more reasonably priced one compared to nothing at all and even entry level tablets can be quite good these days. I feel so much empathy for them. Mental institutions are like prisons in many countries and no one deserves prison for being depressed.

>>27103
I've heard the monoprice drawing tablets are supposed to be pretty good. For some reason if it's specifically a wacom digitizer you're after I believe one of the microsoft surface tablets had one (and thus supported pressure and pen tilt).

i give up. im just going to stop resisting. theyre drugging me a lot and i feel utterly exhausted the whole day. ill probably lose my right to use my laptop soon. i cant do this. i know ill never go home again.
i know ill never draw or program.
all i have are my fantasies.
i love to daydream about having a normal childhood, spending all my time studying drawing and programming, going to an important university, making connections, and giving humanity nice things. i like daydreaming about solving problems and drawing all sorts of things.
like i said i think god is like a mother and i imagine myself being her only son and living together with her in a small house by the fields. and helping her cook, and her putting me to bed, and that sort of thing, and im always together with her.
i dont know im tired. i dont know what else to say. i just wanted to say i think there was something very important inside me, something rare, special, unique and beautiful, and i wanted to share it, i wanted to show it to other people. and ill die like ive never existed. ive lived and ill die like this thing was never here in the first place. i think it wasnt supposed to be like this.
i dont know i wish i could have typed a more concise post but the drugs theyre given me are really something.
i wish i could start over. i wish i could be together with everyone else. i love everyone so much.
im sorry, im sorry, im sorry, im afraid, im afraid.

>>27105
Don't give up on your sense of self. There's only one you.

sorry about last post i was really drugged and my head wasnt in the right place. theyre changing my medications very frequently. every day is different in a bad way. theres no stability. it feels like changing course every hour while being blindfolded but ill stop posting every time it happens. if all goes well the next time i post will be months later when im out of here. i think theres a subterranean world where no light reaches and theres no god there and i think im in that place. it feels like having my dignity raped in ways i could never imagine possible. but i think i have a purpose and i have to carry this cross. i have to get somewhere. i think theres no point in fighting anymore, i think its a lost cause, but i have to keep going. i have sort of accepted my circumstances, even though i shouldnt have. i draw with pencil and paper when im not on my laptop. i like my own drawings a bit, i can draw a lot of different things, but i wont show them anyone and they all go to the trash. when im on the laptop ill keep studying the theoretical foundations of math and cs, and programming languages.

i promise one day ill show you wonderful things. all your favorite images and artists, the most clever proofs and algorithms you know, theyre only a shadow of what is to come. youll be really surprised. and that will only be the beginning. i promise, promise, promise, ill give you nice things. i love you and i want you to be happy. ill go through hell to show you those nice things. entire whole and perfect, the service of my love. love that asks no questions, love that never falters. her pride is suffering, her fortress a faithful heart. the better heart of men shall see, shall feel celestially as long as you crave nothing but the song. i dont know i just want to draw and program so much. i dont want to die without having spent at least two decades just doing that every single day for at least 12 hours. just studying and learning makes me so happy. happy happy happy. but i really want to make things. i promise ill show you really nice things and youll be delighted like never before.

about the guy who offered to buy me a tablet, i really dont know how to respond. i guess this must be like one of those honest woodcutter kind of tests. or maybe im just being made a clown like usual. i feel very bad when people give me anything material. i think its immoral to accept. there was a time when i was starving without food or water for days and still couldnt bring myself to ask for help. but as this is very important to me i might make an exception. when people give me money, i tend to repay five to ten times the amount. even if i cant make money as an artist, one day my mom will die and ill sell the apartment she rents, and use part of the money to pay you back tenfold. if my mom buys me the tablet, ill still give you something nice to thank you for the sentiment.

if you really wish, we can try being friends, you dont have to buy me anything. i just dont know why anyone would want to be my friend, or what exactly friends are supposed to do. as you can see im a retard with no self awareness who types long walls of text almost daily. maybe youre thinking of getting me to wear a skirt and thighighs, but im 6'8, have broad shoulders and scars all over my skin. i hate small talk and socializing, im very selfish, i have all sorts of mental problems, i dont know how to have a conversation outside the long rants i type, right now im skilless and useless, i dont have many hobbies besides reading textbooks and listening to entry level music. maybe you just want to toy with me a little but im used to this sort of thing so if you want i can play along. just tell me how to be a good friend or what youd like me to do and ill try my best.

i dont know sorry for spamming. sorry. i promise ill write a diary instead of writing a long rant every day. i dont know thank you and sorry.

>>27108
Would you like to post some of your drawings? Don't feel forced to if you don't want to, I just feel interested.

>>27097
I really like your drawing.

>>27108
I appreciate the updates, I'm sure you'll make a good artist who will have lots of commissions

thinking of jumping from the main lobby. its a 2-3 meters fall. hopefully ill land on my head.

>>27138
That doesn't seem very tall?

I suffer form severe OCD and for a while now, I have been living in misery, just trying to find a way to leave this hell, I have been exploring every avenue I can to get an income and a house to get out of the environment that I am in. But nothing works and the longer I stay here the worse it gets, the more miserable I become. I'm nearing the end of my limits and the end of my possibilities to escape.

There is one more government service that might be able to help me, I am trying to contact them to see of they can, it's taking a while as I am talking them them by email and it takes days between each email so it already has taken 2 months. I kind of doubt they can actually do anything to help though.

Originally, I was going to go to the tallest mountain in the country and die of exposure if this failed. But today the Ukrainian government announced that it is creating International territorial defence brigades and that anybody that is interested can go to their local Ukrainian embassy to join. I don't care about Ukraine or Russia. But at least I won't have to kill myself, I can get somebody to do it for me. So that's what I will probably do if I can't get out of my situation.

>>27147
>that anybody that is interested can go to their local Ukrainian embassy to join.
Do you think they will accept people with no previous military background?

>>27148
They are stopping all men under 60 from leaving the country so they can be made to fight, I don't think they are bothered. I will research more about it if I get a negative answer from the government service, I have a phone appointment with them this Wednesday so maybe then.

Good Luck Wednesday.

>>27153
Thanks. It didn't go that well... I have one more thing to try but that's even less likely to succeed.
I can't actually join the Ukrainian army anyway I don't think. Legally it's a grey area in my country so the Ukrainian embassy is asking people to wait for Government clarification and I'm not vaccinated so I can't travel. I sent an E mail to the foreign minister to ask for clarification and if I can get a travel exemption.

im out. its over.
i didnt jump from the lobby but they took away my laptop because they found out i used the internet to communicate with the external world.
in the end they said im normal and that all my mental problems stem from having grown up in a highly abusive household. they really helped me despite the clinic's facilities being horrible. they said they will help me get a legal document which states im mentally normal which will legally prevent me from ever taking medications or being sent to a psych ward again.
while in the clinic i did what i like the most, i helped others. i volunteered to do chores like cleaning the room, washing the dishes and carrying stuff around. i thought these are the kind of jobs a maid does and that made me extra happy. also i shared a lot of things with others. i bought a box of chocolates one day and gave each patient a chocolate. there was a day when i bought ice cream, coca cola and pizza and shared it with everyone. i gave a lot of people a lot of things. i donated one of my t-shirts and some other goods. i have realized ill probably never accumulate a lot of wealth or at least not as much as i could because i like giving things to others. but that made me happy. giving other people small moments of bliss. making someone else smile. making others happy. making a positive contribution to someone elses life. making a nice difference in someones day. providing for others, nurturing others. it makes me myself smile. i was finally useful. probably contributed to my positive evaluation by the staff but i was thinking only of being altruistic.
my mother didnt fulfill her promise, obviously. i have replanned my life accordingly. ill have to put away drawing forever. that pains me a lot. i love drawing so much its surreal. i could draw for eternities, there are infinite things i could draw, with drawing the possibilities are endless. but ill have to forget about it. i think i could have made a genuine difference in drawing and help guide other artists to reach new heights but i have to just forget about it.
instead ill study maths, physics, computer science, programming languages and human languages for the rest of my life. my mother said i have to go to college no matter what. so ill be taking an entrance exam this year. its the most prestigious university in the continent and they say the entrance exam is very tough so ill have to study a lot. then get a bs in applied math and a ms and a phd in quantum computing or cryptography or both.
im going to put away all entertainment for the rest of my life and focus exclusively on computing. i think i have the gift like no one else. many gifts actually. so i think i have a great responsibility and i shouldnt get to do things like listening to music or playing with my genitals or talking to other people. i have 8tb of handpicked eroge and vns and im going to delete all of them to make space for useful things like a million pdfs. im going to enter a state of flow/hyperfocus and never leave it. im going to focus on my internal world, exclusively. a world of alphabets, grammars, operators and corollaries. i think i have a purpose and i think i have the power to actually help people, not by distributing chocolate but in a much more significant way that is some decades from being fully revealed. im capricornian and ill be true to my sign.
i dont know how to explain it when im studying or programming. i feel like flying, experiencing another dimension, walking in another universe, it just feels so good and makes me feel truly free. i can spend several days and nights in that state, and i think im much better at doing this than the vast majority of people by a difference you can only faintly picture. and its nice i can make a good living out of this feel.
i think no matter what happens ill go to heaven because im doing everything i feel is right. i believe theres a benevolent god who is like a very tall and kind mother who wears a white dress. and were like her small children but she lost sight of us and right now shes looking for us even if we forgot about her. i dont know, something like that. i like to think when i die ill wake up in a small log house in a straw field and when i open my eyes ill be laying on her lap and shell be smiling tenderly at me. its retarded but its what i feel is true.
practically i dont know if ill make it. my mother is aging fast and people say life on earth will now get much tougher with each year. i really dont think i will make it through the next 10 years the way i intend to but its my mission to try.
anyways ill have to forget about all these nice things, these small magical things that make life feel special, and be completely rational from now on if i want a chance of fulfilling my purpose. it will be absolutely lonely and supremely cold but i really need to get real. that nice, altruistic part of me that loves drawing will have to be heartlessly choked, drowned for at least a decade. i dont know how to describe the state im about to enter, like i said i feel awesome like i cant explain when immersed in the world of computing but because the road ahead is so lonely and im almost destined to fail i also feel very dead inside. i hope ill succeed in implementing my 10 year plan and one day ill be able to show that other part of me. i hope ill be able to show nice things only i can see. i hope to be truly useful and maximize my usefulness.
i want everyone to be happy. i want each persons every wish to come true. i think everyone is special, everyone deserves to be taken care of, everyone deserves all the care and attention in the world. i think i have the vision and i want to acquire the power to give nice things to others.
sorry for longposting.

>>27159
you're really going to give up on drawing?

>>27155
It's again.

That went horribly wrong... My final plan was to sent a message to the welfare people explaining my situation and asking for my entire lives welfare in one payment so I can get a house and live off the rest. Apparently in this country if these services think you will kill yourself they send the police around to check up on you and force you to go on an ambulance to a mental health ward at the hospital and they can hold you there for treatment against your will. So that's where I have been for seven days and it was hell. They did not care about my OCD and kept me there regardless. The first place was an open corridor with three sided rooms with just curtains(it was mixed gender as well which I found odd, I was unhappy about it as a man, I can't imagine going there as a woman). I don't like disgusting poor people who are probably there for disgusting things and are disgusting even for poor people so I refused to eat in that environment, I felt it was contaminated, all I did was lie in bed. I also did not want to eat food because then I would have to do a number 2 and I hate the idea of using a toilet they use as well. I drank bottled water after the second day but after 5 days of not eating I was getting worried about what health affects this would have and I asked to speak to a doctor about it, then they suddenly started getting worried and measured my blood sugar level to find it was 32(heathy is between 40 and 80) and have me special sugar water and got me orange juices. They kept monitoring blood sugar levels from then on and the day after they gave me drinks that contained all the nutrients needed to live so I could be kept stable on those and not need to eat.

Then I was moved to another ward because the first was just a short term one, this one had rooms but it also had wooden beds and carpets, I was disgusted by this because they are not sterile and clean like hospital rooms so I didn't trust them not to be contaminated, I covered the wooden parts of the bed with towels and parts of the floor with them too but I still didn't like it. I still stayed in bed all day or paced up and down, I don't have any interest in talking to scum or even breathing the same air they do.

I saw numerous people in this time, I knew what they were all going to say and they said exactly that. Although they were much more aggressive in prescribing meds than I thought they would be, right from day one they were asking if I wanted them to help me sleep or to calm me down and from day 2 they were prescribing them to treat my OCD. I always rejected them, on the day I left somebody commented on how unusual it was that I refused to take them, he said in his 15 years of working there never had he seen a patient refuse them, I found that to be unusual. When I got home I binned my clothes and shoes, I binned my wallet, I spend 6 hours cleaning and I showered 3 times. This ordeal has been incredibly stressful.

I also got an email back from the foreign minister(well a secretary). As I thought it's illegal to fight in Ukraine.

>>27162
There's no way in hell they'd let someone like you fight regardless. You wouldn't be able to sleep in barracks or out in the fields, with a bunch of "disgusting poor people" or whoever is in their army. Shitting in the woods if necessary. Eating canned food. Sharing utensils.

If you can't deal with a hospital, you're not fit for any field.

>>27163
I don't have a problem with soldiers. Even if they do come from poor backgrounds soldiers cannot be bad in the ways that bother me, sometimes because it's psychically not allowed and other times because they are kept to much higher standards of discipline anyway.

I went to join the FFL and while I left in selection because I felt that life was not for me, I liked the people there, I had no problem sleeping among them in the barracks. I just didn't want to spend 5 years sitting around in a barracks all day with them twiddling our thumbs.

>>27164
From what you've written, you're not fit for being on an actual field. That's how you come across.

>>27165
I have no problem camping either...

>>27161
the tablet i want costs 6 years of minimum wage work in my country, assuming no inflation and currency devaluation. my social and communication skills are so low i dont know how to react when someone offers help and its easier to give up on this dream than to accept help.
im going to become a computing wizard instead. this is a much longer road, a lonely and cold road.
its very difficult to explain what im feeling, but i suppose i feel like i have to kill myself internally to reach a very high level of performance in computing. i have to fall into a state of trance, let go of my own mind, and become a computer myself. this is very scary. i think inside me there are two sides, an artistic, oblivious, happy and altruistic side, and a heartless but highly rational and efficient side. i think "i" am the artistic side, and i want to die because then my other side can take over. this would please me because i want to maximize everyones happiness, and the other side is better at being useful to other people than me. but also im very scared of dying. there are things the other side will never understand. there are things i want to show other people but i dont have the power to do so in this state. so i existed in vain. and i wanted to say i was here and i felt things that are real and i could have given you nice things. i dont know. maybe most good programmers take this decision very early in life, and it just feels very scary to me because im starting so late, after my brain developed. or maybe normal people start so early that their other side doesnt have a chance to develop, but mine did, and its hard to let go of it. i dont know, i think this side is special, even more than the rational side, but it spawned too early. i think i was supposed to become a computer wizard first, and only then this side should spawn, but it was the other way around. i think "i" will die, and it will feel like being dead inside my own body. ill be dead even though my body will be animate. it will feel like having a very long and turbulent night of sleep, it will feel like dreaming, it will feel like being unconscious, a zombie. i dont know, something like that. and im very scared. i think if one day this artistic side comes back, it wont be "me", but something else that will spawn, and ill always be trapped in this limbo im creating for myself.
i dont know. in any case, im going on a very long journey of learning, and it will be very cold and lonely. its very scary, but i have to let go of the happy side and let the rational side take over. i dont know, words cannot express how scary this feels. and at the same time it feels awesome. ive taken a glimpse into how the other side does things, and its magical. its completely free. the other side can do anything it can imagine with computers, and it can imagine anything it wants. i can promise you the other side can do jaw dropping things with a keyboard, it will turn peoples brains inside out, it will be spectacular at computing i promise. i dont know, i just think important things happened inside me, and something important is happening right now, that will write over the information of the important things that happened.
i think i wont make through the next 10 years, i think i wont make it to phd, i think bad things will happen along the road and they will make progress impossible, i think im destined to fail, i assume ill fail, but i must try as this is my purpose. if i make through this learning phase, i will be really awesome, and that will be just the beginning.
i think this was the last time i attempted to communicate with anyone. i will be very different from now on. im sorry, thank you for everything and goodbye tc.

>>27169
Hey, tablet anon here, it really is no big deal for me to get you a drawing tablet, just gimme free commissions or something. You really don't have to go the self sacrifice route friend

probably going to kill myself soon I really wasn't made to be happy or have a normal life

I am realizing that part of being a normal adult is wishing you were dead. I'm closer to 30 than 20 now and feel like when you're an adult you should be miserable. Happiness is for children. It's natural to dream of killing yourself, because life sucks. After all, why should I be happy? We can't be innocent children playing GTA San Andreas without a care in the world forever. I can barely even enjoy watching new anime anymore. Life goes on, and it sucks.

>>27175
There's a certain absurdness to modern life. We spend all our time as children "preparing" to be an adult. Then as an adult you're cast off into the world to sustain yourself and so you have to spend all your time working, and the "goal" is retirement. Then during retirement you're basically too old and feeble to really enjoy anything, so you sit around wasting away. If you're really unlucky you'll be kept on life-support by supposedly "well-intioned" family who only really care about keeping you around because they themselves want to maintain an ignorant view on death. Any amusement and joy throughout life is only really incidental.

In short, basically every aspect of life is "distraction" to keep you preoccupied, and that "distraction" is often forward-looking in nature. Ironically all those people who espouse meditation always say that you should "live in the moment" but that's not feasible for a non-trivial period of time unless you have all your needs provided for (e.g. living as a monk off of others' donations). In the "real-world" where you must provide for yourself by working a job, you can't just sit passively and disengage higher-order thought.

Post edited on 11th Mar 2022, 9:13pm

>>27170
>>27176
Automatically banned by the spam filter for posting an email address, I'm too dumb to fix the spam filter so he should obfuscate it somehow next time he posts.

>>27178
A touch ironic that you can't actually use the email field for its designated purpose.

>>27179
He put it in the body of his message so it probably got picked up by the spam filter as a URL, though this response will serve as a test to see if the email field works!

>>27175
Those kind of thoughts trouble me too. I use to think I'm immature and childish, and that makes me awful at being an adult, also very miserable.
Adults should "enjoy" adult life, or at least they seem to.
I'm like a perpetual 10yo trapped in an old man's body, wich gives me a very intense inferiority complex.
It's a terrible feeling, feeling bad about feeling bad.

死にたい 死にたい 死にたい 死にたいよ

>>27170
its fine.

im having trouble dealing with my parents, theyre pressuring me to go to college no matter what. and if im going to study computing i have to give my everything, so i wont have time for drawing. i love drawing so much but now i know for a fact ill die without drawing. i feel like im burrying something gigantic beneath the sand.

this year ill study for the entrance exam of a somehow prestigious university. then get a bs in applied math and a ms and a phd in quantum computing or cryptography or something like quantum cryptography. besides ill learn a lot of other things on my own. im going to study every day nonstop. i wont take breaks. im addicted to learning and i have an uncompromising work ethic.

ill miss things like anime, manga, music and visual novels. i love 2d girls a lot. i have 8tb of handpicked vns i never got to read and i think ill never get to either. most of all it hurts knowing i have to forget about drawing and composing forever.

im very scared. its a 10 year long journey. i think if everything depends only on me, ill be fine. im very proud of my mind and of what i believe it can do. but im afraid my mother might turn very sick and ill have to get a job before completing my studies, or the world could come to a sudden end, i dont know. the road ahead is very long, so im afraid i might die before showing what im like inside.

whether its programming, music or drawing, i can show what im like inside. i can show what only i can see. i promise i can give you awesome things, things that will make you happy. at least, i can be very useful, i just need time and stability. i love everyone, i think every person is special and deserves to be heard and taken care of.

i dont know how to describe what im feeling. essentially it feels something very big and important is happening inside me and i just wanted to talk about it as much as it feels important to me. i feel something awesome, like letting my mind go completely free, but at the same time i feel like im giving up on something very important, something i should hold inside me no matter what. i dont know how else to describe this feeling without turning this post into something four times longer.

i dont know sorry. from now on ill be a different person. thank you, for putting up with me, im sorry, for being a retard, and goodbye.

>>27183
It sounds like you are having a manic episode. It doesn't last, unfortunately.

i hope this isnt against the rules, but im giving away my animebytes and jpopsuki accounts so i can focus entirely on computing.
if you dont know what that those are, theyre private trackers for general japanese things/music respectively; thousands of things you wont find on nyaa like almost every vn on vndb. also dont forget torrenting like me is not legal in all countries. and the morality of doing so is questionable to say the least.
i wanted to give tc something because i think youre all very kind people. i hope someone who needs it will be the first to find this post. like i said i like making others happy and i will never have a lot of things because i like giving things.
like i said im going to focus entirely on computing so if i dont give these accounts away theyll just rot away with time and become inactivated. so its better to give them away. i hope whoever finds this post first will enjoy and make the best use of them. at least you can probably sell them for some bucks.
anyways, the animebytes (dot) tv login is "nanashisan" and the jpopsuki (dot) eu login is "rabaul". the passwords for both are "hartmannsyoukaigirl". the email for the accounts is "subterranean0animism" (at) protonmail (dot) c om. the password for the email is the same as the accounts'. change the accounts email and passwords to something else, preferably a new email and a new password you dont use elsewhere. read the trackers rules so you dont get ratio blocked or banned for some other dumb reason. and enjoy having terabytes of expensive japanese things at your disposal. if you know anyone trustworthy, you can invite them too.
anyways. im also going to delete my 8tb collection of handpicked visual novels. it hurts a tiny bit but i have to completely focus on computing. i have to let go of passtimes and luxuries and get serious. i think i can be a monster in programming and mathematics but first i have to completely dedicate myself to these things. my brain has to forget about everything else. i have to isolate myself and be alone with computing. i have to access the hyperfocus part of my brain and lever leave it again. im descending to that abyss ive talked about. it feels awesome but its scary. i feel so much power but also so much loneliness. i just hope i can at least make it through the next 10 years. if i do i will be a real freak, out of this world. and i hope my giveaway worked and that it will make someone else a little happy at least for a few moments. im sorry for making a fuss. i have to cut myself off from the world and focus now. im sorry. i promise ill go away now. sorry.

>>27196
I do feel bad about taking your accounts but I'm also grateful of your offer. If you ever need your accounts back, I'll give them.

>>27197
kkkkkkkkkkkkk
Fuckin beat me to it. What time did you see the post?

>i have to isolate myself and be alone with computing. i have to access the hyperfocus part of my brain and lever leave it again. im descending to that abyss ive talked about. it feels awesome but its scary
I'm skeptical that that's actually sustainable. I can't think of anyone who basically shunned out all pleasure, went harcore on studying, and ended up doing something notable. More likely, that's a recipe for burnout. Even among those who _enjoy_ study these things (Terence Tao et al.) you'll see a common pattern where they're not focused on productivity 100% of the time and instead have break time (walking, etc.) where they are idle which helps spur creativity.

Also assuming your goal is to make some important contribution to match or theoretical CS, it's likely that you're going to need to interact with people eventually, if only because you're going to need to convince some other members of academia that you have something of substance.

>>27197
Kind of based on the thought in >>39356 I wonder if we can create some sort of TC "media requests" thread (there might already exist one?) for sourcing content that no longer exists on public trackers? As I understand there are freeleech periods so it shouldn't be ununstainable.

Post edited on 18th Mar 2022, 5:54pm

>>27196
That was really nice of you, Anon. Enjoy the animebytes account, whoever got it.

Every day I pray that I will sleep my last sleeo. And yet I keep waking up, only to be tormented in my dreams and to remain discontented in my waking hours. How long must this continue? Why can't you will yourself to die.

>>27200
>I wonder if we can create some sort of TC "media requests" thread (there might already exist one?) for sourcing content that no longer exists on public trackers?
>>/ot/31525 request thread
>>/ot/37590 thread someone made to request something on a private tracker
>>/an/29466 thread encouraging the seeding of poorly seeded public torrents

>>27196
It's always sad to see someone quit 2D like this, but I hope he achieves his goals. It was quite rash to do it like this because I don't think you can completely devote yourself like this without burning out but there's no talking them out of it now.

I hope you succeed, anon, whoever you were.

>>27196
Be sure to visit us sometimes and let us know how you are doing even if it ends in failure theres always drawing. Good luck, I hope it all goes well for you.

After a 4 year decline in anime viewing/manga reading, I deleted my backlog a year ago, swore off anime and told myself I would get a job, get a license, a car, start paying rent, and become a normal member of society with the idea being that I'd eventually work up the courage to start dating. So I did all that minus the dating part and it turns out that I really don't like the outside world that much at all. Removing myself from anime didn't change myself, just my environment, and in some ways my active pursuit of a radically different mindset and political framework caused detrimental changes in my psyche and my sense of self. Actually work is fine, I don't mind that, but trying to make or keep friends is just taxing. I think I might be an actual psychopath because I just really don't feel like I want to do things when people invite me. I feel like such a piece of shit but I also just feel like I'm losing "my" time, every time I'm doing anything that isn't paid work or a private hobby alone. I don't know when I developed this mentality but I think it might be too late to change, even my parents and siblings whom I care about feel to me like a burden whenever I remember that I'm supposed to spend time with them. Is it weird to emotionally care about people but not want to actually interact with them? What the hell is wrong with me? I think I'm a broken person. I should be living with people, not experiencing all my life as an observer, yet when I actually do engage with people I feel like my own time is being taken from me. What the hell, isn't that supposed to be my "real" life? Isn't experiencing the real world supposed to be the very core of living? Why the hell do I prefer my private, digital world so much? Why do I prefer to calculate stupid equations for my hobbies over spending time with people whom I should call my friends, my brother in law, my family? Why did God create a person who could not understand and could not like other people?

But anime is no good, it's just observing a fictional version of the real world. What is the point of viewing people interacting with each other in a fictional world and experiencing life in that world when I myself do not do the same, have no reference for it in my own life and have no experience in the real world? I don't want to watch other people experience life, I want to experience it myself. Yet I don't even like doing that. What the hell man, what kind of a joke is this? Why was I even created if I would only ever observe other people experiencing that which I could not do, or could not even enjoy while doing? I realise I'm a very sick man as I'm nearing 30 and I don't think there's anything I can do about it at this point. I was set in stone by the time I was 19.

Post edited on 21st Mar 2022, 10:00pm

>>27221
>detrimental changes in my psyche and my sense of self
If you did something that drastic to begin with, you already had issues with your sense of self.

>What is the point of viewing people interacting with each other in a fictional world
Cause it's fun, and better than the real world. More exciting. More earnest. More meaningful. More beautiful. The real world and real people are boring. Simple as.

>>27222
I don't disagree with you. But I'm frustrated that it's the case.

>>27221
>But anime is no good, it's just observing a fictional version of the real world.
I disagree with the premise. They aren't fictional versions of the real world, they're their own world. (And I don't mean in a pedantic way, like of course a fantasy show is set in a different world).

>>27221
From someone at the end of the rope, you need to accept certain things. What's the point of feeling bad about not enjoying social interaction if you're already set up? If you can work and survive by yourself you don't need them at all. From time to time you'll feel weird and alienated, sure, but you can live. Don't force yourself to do something just because it's what normal people are supposed to do. It's like being allergic to some food and still eating it just because the rest of the people does it. Some things don't apply to everyone, there's always exceptions.
You're not normal, you don't sound like a psycopath to me but like a typical schizoid, almost sure.
But also an highly functional one, so you're far from being broken.

I woke up with self awareness about my personal troubles and I don't like it

>>27235
Is that image meant to be intentionally horrifying?

>>27155
You don't need to be vaccinated to go to ukraine. You can go to romania first, and then cross the border.

Maybe next life will be more fun. If it exists.

>>27271
I hope there is no next life. I just want my conciousness to stop existing.

>>27271
At this point I have trouble just imagining how that would look like.

On edge.

I wish.

Disappointment.

My cousin has kidney cancer. He has a lot to live for as a normie. He has a gf and many people who care about him and is always really happy and positive and makes people's days better. It should have gone to me or someone else who doesn't appreciate life and is a net drain. He's too good of a guy. Not fair, everything seems too random and chaotic.

>>27317
In a similar fashion, the other day my mother told me an old classmate of mine got a brain tumor and only has a few months left. Also a normal, not even 40 yo, a daughter. What I felt was hard to discern, conflicted and contradictory. I felt some guilt, I've been suicidal for a long time, hoping for a terminal disease or something, and then some guy who probably appreciated life gets fucked like that. Also relief, because in the end there's no fairness and whatever you do it doesn't matter that much, so there's less to worry. And then this feeling of having wasted most of my life, if this would happen to me I could directly experience the absurd of all. There's no real punishments or rewards for your actions, in a way, nothing matters... so what's the point of just doing what you're supposed to do, when that makes you miserable?

A relative ended up getting accepted into college, so naturally there's other family members asking when I'll do the same. Why aren't you doing this, you should do that, if you don't make the same choices as so and so then you're basically dead meat.
I'm tired of being pestered and compared to others.

It's getting harder to justify prolonging this existence.

>>27197
anonymous, can i have my account back? im asking only because you said so. if you want to keep the account, could you at least give me an invite, and a .zip with the torrents i downloaded (you can get it from the main page -> downloaded (dl) iirc). i have this email: temporary1572 (a) protonmail dot com.

>>27205
>let us know how you are doing even if it ends in failure
i give up on going to an university. ive realized its too late for me, there really isnt a point in struggling anymore. there are problems beyond my control that make it impossibe to go to college. id have to quit at some point, so id rather not even start.
ill just live as a neet for as long as i can then off myself.
since i will never have a life, all this knowledge is pointless, so theres no reason to be completely devoted to learning anymore. thus, i can spend some time with visual novels. hence i wish i had ab again.

sorry for making a fuss, sorry.