>>26470
I can understand this. I probably don't have it as bad as you do but my family is also dysfunctional, my brother in particular is the most obnoxious asshole on the planet. I shouldn't wake up every other day wishing he were dead, and that I were the one who killed him, but I do.
In that case, I suppose I covet having a brother who isn't a less than worthless piece of garbage.

Terseness. Instant messaging bothers me because it seems everyone knows how to replying saying the least possible, while I have to get out at least a couple sentences just to say the same thing.

I also wish I actually had the ability to cry when I need to. My grandparents died of COVID around this time last year, but I couldn't muster any tears at all. It made me feel really hollow, as if I never loved them. It's not like I don't feel sad or anything -- I'm not a sociopath -- I just can't cry at all, which causes a very subtle sort of emotional guilt and pent-up feeling without any catharsis or release.

>>26472
>going on auto-pilot in conversations
I wish I didn't do this as well. I also take fairly long pauses after being asked something or if I get hung up about not knowing the correct word to use or how to properly express something which I'm self conscious about.

>>26469
Just being able to speak properly. Anything longer than one or two sentences and I start fumbling words. It feels like my ability to "think ahead" is only about a sentence or so and once I exhaust that buffer things become disjointed.

>>26471
>their confidence, self esteem, courage
I think that's summed up with their "ignorance". That very inability for self-reflection and thinking about things is what allows them to blissfully go on about their day unaware.

I wish I could experience caring about / taking an interest in other people for its own sake. And not being so easily scared or upset by people. It would make life so much easier.

But I just don't care about people in a personal way. I never have. I think this is what separates me from the normals, who like and care about each other just fine.

Unproductive? I sit around and write long, drawn out explanations for how I feel and what I'm going to do about it. It's really unhelpful and something I need to stop doing. Just a convoluted way of detaching myself from the situation where I gain some illusion of control. It doesn't actually help and if you show your intellectualizing to someone they tend to respond negatively. Especially on the modern internet where everyone wants to be angry.

Cleaning is the most effective way to deal with bad feels but when you're in a very sad or stressed mood it's hard to work up the drive to start. Plus... it's very defeating to do the dishes when that feels like a monumental task and then not feel any better. Most of the time it works pretty well. You just sort of have to force yourself to do it. I try to keep my living space just messy enough that when a bad mood comes I can clean without it being some long drawn out thing. Sitting down a bit worn out while inhaling the faint smell of bleached floors makes it easy to let go of things.

When I'm feeling especially down, conflicted, or stressed, shutting out the world while listing to old trance and electronic music for a while tends to do the trick. It helps me take my mind off my problems, and if need be where I am or what I was doing too.
Today was definitely one of those days.

Smoking is the only thing that works for me. I've reached a point where my brain is closer to being my enemy than my ally. I can't control it and I easily fall into ruminating spirals, I can't do anything even after being perfectly conscious of them.
Sometimes I think it's the whole thing of "deal with your problems, avoid escapism" that has turned my brain unable to disconnect from anything bad or stressful, somehow I feel I was more mentally healthy when I was younger.

I normally listen to harsh noise as a form of self harm. There really isn't much. If I'm feeling depressed, my brain is pretty much shut down until I wait for the hours or days to pass and I feel less bad.

>>25614
Why was the image deleted?

Birch sap. It's so clean and refreshing it makes you light-headed. If the taste of water was a color, it would be gray, light gray when chilled. It's nice, but it has an oppressive dullness to it too. Birch sap tastes like bright white.

I like candy cigarettes. Somehow it helps me think a little better and it feels right when I get in the writing or drawing mood. It makes me feel like the image of the writer that smokes while they work on their book and it helps me feel cool without having to actually get addicted to anything.

The only thing that comes to mind is Dr.P. But I 'try' to avoid it since it's pretty terrible for for one's self.

>>26454
What do they ask at interviews for those sorts of jobs? I feel like since it's the kind of job where there's no real skill level needed, they would resort to those bullshit personality questions ("tell me about yourself," "what's your weakness," etc.) in order to impose some filter.

>>26454
Talking for personal experience that happens due to a previous psychological substrate of bad experiencies and trauma. So it's not a particular fear about something specific like getting a job or not, but an abstract fear to failure, others and who knows what else.

>>26331
My dad has small-time connections that he used to get me an office job. He cared a lot more about my employment than I did, but at least I got to move out.

Dealing with people is a big problem. I wish I could at least act like a normal, friendly person to fit in better. And I know normal folk sometimes feel rejected or disliked because I'm not friendly, so sometimes I feel guilty about that.

I might be able to push through the anxiety if I could think of something to talk about that isn't private (Her), a bummer (my life), or boring (most other things I could talk about).

>>26815
(follow-up) The job is something that contributes positively to people's lives and the world in general. I like that I have one constant, unambiguous positive aspect to the job.

Sometimes I wish I could be young again. Then I remember there wasn't really a point in my life when I could say I was genuinely happy, just living for indulgences like videos games because everything else was just so hard and boring. If nothing else, physical activity wasn't as hard for me back then so there's that at least, but that just means I lost yet something else.

>>26395
It's weird because I also wish I was young but when I was young I wished to have all I have today (money, material things, independence).
I guess what I really miss is not being as numb as I've become.

Yes, I think about the bad things that happened and keep replaying them in my head over and over again. Sometimes I think about how I could be more happy back them, even if it sucked, the thing was that I didn't know better. Sometimes when I see child-propaganda, like cartoons in chocolate boxes, or general products aimed at children, I feel this deep, powerful blow to my soul, as if I was getting soul-punched, very powerful wistful feeling.
As for redoing things that used to bring me joy, only watching a certain shows could maybe bring back those feelings, I did not leave the house on the regular back then, and the places I used to like are gone or changed.
>>26395
Me too. I often fantasize about taking the ReLife pill. Though times have changed so much I doubt I could enjoy myself young again, not counting the inherent nihilism of adulthood that would persist in my mind if I went young again. I guess it could be some sort of interactive experience on the past, instead of reliving it nowadays. This way I could get some sense of correction and righting the wrongs of my life. But given the extent of my situation back then, I would have very likely gone bad, this experiment. Maybe if I went as a side character, like an older person to give actual help to my past self. Is there a manga with this theme?

>>26395
>>26397
I used to daydream about getting a second chance at childhood, until I realized that things would be worse unless I got a new set of circumstances. I'd still be just as powerless as before. I'd still face all the abuse I did the first time around, and it'd feel even worse now that I'm more aware of things than I was as a kid. I can't even daydream about being a kid and not going through what I did.

>>26273
Do you ever worry about whether being a coward will prevent you from discerning truth in the world? How can you pursue something like that when your moral foundation is flawed? What else but purity of spirit could discern such things?
Honest question. I like what you wrote, i am reminded of it in my own aspirations.

>>26262
I'm working towards a very specific computer certificate degree right now that I do not have any motivation or heart for, but I know it's not practical to just drop it because I don't care for it. It kind of sucks but I've consigned myself to a boring and safe future. I've never been interested by any practical real world skills anyway so it's not like I have some dream career that I'm giving up. I don't see how people can be excited about shit like being lawyers or doctors, it seriously makes me want to claw my eyes out even imagining spending the next 30 years slogging away at some boring human career. Maybe if I could do something in military science or have enlisted that would have been cool, but I have worse health than most corpses, on average. I'm not stupid either, I can do pretty much anything woth computers and it's easy, but it's fucking boring. I don't know why god made me good at something I hate. I wish I was fit and could spend weeks in the woods hunting and fishing, without worrying about bleeding my ass off or catching a deadly cold. I would be happy just being a fucking neanderthal, I think. Bears are less frightening than job searching, and I've confronted both in their natural habitats and only one of them made me almost shit myself with nervous fear. Oh god why, why did you make the average person such a mind numbingly annoying specimen, why do they want to have small talk and socialize when I would prefer to get clear concise orders and then have them shut the fuck up. The only interesting thing technology produced were nukes, and those are never used for fun things anymore.

I find meaning in enjoyment, and I find enjoyment in hobbies and creative pursuits, even though I'm not great at any of em. I read a lot, write fiction occasionally, blog to an audience of nobody (it's fun to express yourself), draw and program.

I have no goal, no coherent political worldview, nothing I'm striving for, no dreams, no purpose, no close relationships of any kind, barely any mores or attachments, not much of an internal moral system. And I'm quite happy.
This is my answer. I've emptied myself and it feels pretty nice.

>>26307
I've worried about that when I started, but as time went on, it felt as if your spirit reshapes itself as you have more divine energies flowing through you, and as the elements get more balanced through practice, leading to a more stable mind. It's not really an issue, I think. You become worthy with practice.

>>26280
They're dumb until they trick and or kill you.

>>26281
I'm talking about gangbangers and families with anger issues getting in arguments that escalate to one of them shooting up the other. If schizophrenics are more deceptive and cruel killers, then they only have more self control than the "normal" supposedly nonviolent people. I watched my cousins almost kill each other many times.

>>26284
Schizoids are different from schizophrenics, but I get what you're saying. Your cousins know each other though.

>>26288
Most people who kill each other usually do. I wonder if the only "weird" thing about serial killers is that they kill strangers? Is it considered more socially acceptable to kill someone that you personally disliked?

>>20227
He's right they do, many simply do it without even realizing it.

>>20209
CONFRONTATION
Tell those to two exactly what they are putting you trough
Get your parents in a room sit em down no sister aloud, tell them not to give any input until you have gotten everything out, just spill it on them. then hear what they have to tell you.

>>20213
>while women do indeed do better in some professions
>why people think that women are either equal to men or better
>think that it is a shared delusion among society
Uh, what the fuck? This is the most inexplicable shit I've read in a while. Surely the feminist propaganda where you're from can't be this blatant and insane.

>>20215
My parents split up 4 rooms between 6 kids by putting each girl in a room and the 3 boys in one room. I was the oldest child yet i never got a private space even one, they even resented it when I turned part of the basement into a little office for myself. My sisters were given expensive dancing lessons and private tutors while my brothers and I were sent to public school and sent out to work at 18. You be the judge.

>>26205
Yeah, I'll definitely be appreciating life when I'm dead. Idiot.

>>26208
He meant life's finitude is what makes every moment worthy of appreciation, anon.

>>26209
No, he's got a point. How can I appreciate something if I can't have it for eternity? Maybe my appetite is too large for a human but that's how I feel all the same.

My OCD is getting worse and better at the same time, I stopped eating my mothers cooking and I decided that when I move out I will have to leave thousands of dollars worth of books and furniture behind. But I am converting more on waifu 2x and my hands have improved. It's still incredibly exhausting though, every morning I wake up dreading the day because I know how I will have to walk on a mine field to avoid touching or seeing anything and I know how much effort that takes.

>>25737
Maybe, I saw my GP to talk to him about getting help for it. My GP was worried about me because the last Psych he sent me to for something else saw me, was meant to write a report to him but then never sent it to him and he had not heard from me for two years.

Sorry for bumping this thread, but it was the closest I could find: (http://tohno-chan.com/so/arch/res/1767.html is an even better match, but that's archived)

Does anyone have any experience with (and hopefully solutions to prevent) overthinking/dwelling, both on past events and future decisions? For instance, I'll often ruminate on a past decision I made and lament about how if I had only done something else the present would be different. It's similar to what the OP of that previous linked thread stated
>I can't stop thinking in the smallest mistakes over and over, like a loud speaker on my head

but for me at least it's not necessarily limited to "mistakes" but also any past decision made in the lack of "perfect information" (i.e. decisions made in the face of some uncertainty). Then later on in the present when the outcome of that decision has been realized resulting in new information, I'll sit there thinking in circles simulating the past decision in light of that new knowledge, wondering whether I should have picked the other option. Of course logically I know that such rumination is pointless, but emotionally/subconsciously I'll continue to dwell on it. The same happens for past decisions whose outcome isn't known yet but has already predetermined as a result of that choice (i.e. at this point the outcome is uncontrollable, so there's no logical point ruminating about it; and yet I still can't help myself). I'll also similarly overthink decisions that have yet to be made (one can see a common theme of "fear of uncertainty").

There's probably an element of (self-diagnosed) ocd thrown in amidst all of that too (I've faced similar situations to that scene in Slow Start where Hana found a loose screw on the floor and couldn't go to sleep without finding the source. And perhaps ironically spent the past hour researching ocd symptoms; the "classic" symptoms mentioned online don't seem to apply, except for the general element of overthinking).

As someone in that aforementioned thread stated
>For psychological and neurological reasons, rumination gets worse t

Message too long. Click here to view the full text.

>>26265
I don't overthink about decisions I made because I think I'm actually good at making them, I don't feel too much regreet over any big decision in last years. I also don't need to make that many decisions to start with.
So I focus my overthinking in stupid inane shit, even the most insignificant. I could simply trip into someone or cause a minor inconvenience and something like that can take me into an spiral of overthinking and guilt to the point I could remember the event even years (or decades) later. It's really sick if you think about it.

>>26265
I think my spirals of overthinking have basically developed into full-blown OCD. The sentence from >>25793
> every morning I wake up dreading the day because I know how I will have to walk on a mine field to avoid touching or seeing anything and I know how much effort that takes.
Now resonates with me – I spend whatever free time I have wasting mental energy thinking about trivial things. I feel like I haven't been able to relax for half a year now (And even if I somehow stumbled upon an opportunity where my mind was vacant, I fear that I wouldn't even be able to start on the only relaxing activity that I had in the past – watching anime – as watching it in my shambled state and being unable to appreciate it would be a disservice to the shows themselves).

>>26233
being snippy gives you cancer

>>26238
My post wasn't intended to sound like "it's a pretty basic rule, I can't believe you haven't heard of it you absolute scrub", but more along the lines of "Oh, you haven't read them? Well, that rule is a pretty major one so keep it in mind when posting in the future and expect it to be enforced pretty consistently".

>>26239
My bad fam