I feel absolutely worthless, and among other things the problem is, that I'm
just stupid. I knew this from my early childhood and this feeling was consistent
through all of my life. I just happen to be always the slowest in class, the
slowest to understand things, the one that comes up with the objectively worst
solutions, the worst in absolute anything, that requires some thinking. It's a
clear pattern, that no matter what I do, I'm just inferior or lesser in terms of
my cognitive ability (not that I would be better in anything else, but this isn't
the purpose of this post).

You need to understand that this frustration does not stem from a single sitation
or moment, where I just happened to be worse, but that this is a problem through
all my life. From elementary school into adulthood this a common theme.

There have been many gaslighting attempts by people, who I know in real life,
like psychiatrist for example, to make me believe, that this inferiority complex
stems from depression or anything like that, but I don't believe that. My life
experience has made it evident that I'm vastly inferior to anyone, who isn't a
drooling retard. Once I did an IQ test with a psychiatrist and I got an actual
result (I scored below 85) and he still tried to gaslight me into thinking, that
I'm not stupid. Important to note here is that I'm not one of those people, who
did an IQ test once and then felt bad, because they scored low, in fact, I knew
I would score this low already long before, because of my prior life experience.
I don't think this IQ score is as meaningful as the many, many times I failed at
very basic things, that normal people don't seem to have a problem with. I
brought this up to showcase how even people, who had it black on white, still
tried to make me believe otherwise.

Not only I hate myself for being stupid, but other people hate interacting with me for
being stupid. I'm patient, friendly, listen to them and try hard, but I can still
feel how people get pissed off, because they have to explain simple things to me.

One particular thing where my stupidity is a major obstacle for me, is a hobby of mine,
which is programming. I've been programming since I was 11 and I still absolutely suck
at it. It's important to me, because it actually interests me, and not a little bit, but
more so than anything else I was ever interested in. Too bad I have never created anything
in the many years, that I've been doing it. Every program that I've written, that does
something, was actually written with the help of dozens of people on IRC, that helped me and
have written the difficult portions for me, and if not that, then it's from some web forums.
I know a bit about POSIX shell scripting and that's the only area, where I've written little
thing on my own, but whenever I try to make something interesting, I fail at it.
I wish I could give it up, but I can't. I have given up many times, but always returned
to programming, whenever I felt like I didn't want anymore. It seems I'm stuck with it,
because it's the only thing, where I know a few things more than the average Joe, so
naturally I don't want to lose that little thing, I have.

I just wish it was easier for me to understand things, that seemingly only I have
problems with. Despite being hopeless and frustrated, I still try to learn new things,
but it tends to be a fruitless endeavour.

Thanks for reading.

>>	Anonymous 10/28/24(Mon)12:30 No. 29692 [Edit] File 173014385371.jpg - (393.46KB , 1920x1080 , [Anime Time] Shakugan No Shana III - 03-0010.jpg ) It's even worse when you wasn't always as stupid as you are now. Retardation is a hard thing to live with. Peace to you, TC.