I've had it so easy and yet I've neglected my life, to the point of being broke and with no future in sight.
Never thought about suicide before but I don't like the prospect of being a worthless NEET in mom's for the rest of my life.
>>29694
A little too late but happy birthday as well, anon.

>>29699
>I don't like the prospect of being a worthless NEET in mom's for the rest of my life.
That hits so close. It wouldn't be nearly as bad if I at least could sustain myself, but having to depend on others and knowing that you're a genetic mistake incapable of existing on your own kills from inside.

I realized that what's keeping me alive is my idea, or rather, delusion of reality. And all of that is shattered the moment I step into the world.

fuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!

terrible morning

Holy fucking shit.

I gave up, on people, on life, on everything. I've learned to accept I'll live and die alone, and will never be truly free of my needy mother till the day one of us dies. I quit my job and accepted my role as a loser. This miserable life of mine has rotted my brain beyond recovery, there's no going back now. I had long wished that someone would come into my life to save me from the fate I saw coming, but needless to say no one did, and my attempts at finding them myself were pointless. I now realize there was never anything for me in this world.
I've long since lost my ability to have fun or feel any sort of joy. My hopes and dreams have crumbled to dust. My one and only motivation to do anything at all with my life, as it always has been, is the hope it'll make people like me enough to make me stop feeling so damn alone all the time. ...yet I want to be alone, because people have only ever made my life worse. I wish I could trust people. I've consumed so much media it's all the same shit to me, now all I see are writing patterns, tropes and clichés. I've bought so much shit I don't need I don't have space for even half of it. I've tried to reset my life multiple times in brand new places, and it just doesn't work, it's too late. I don't want to live in this world, and this world clearly doesn't want me either. Now I only live to wait for death.

Post edited on 30th Nov 2024, 10:21pm

>>29767
It feels like I wrote this.

Wish me strength. I'm at the point that would commonly be said as being the very beginning of one's life (18 years), but I've come across an ironic realization. I practice a lot of escapism, the skills that I want to pursue are for the purpose of further and higher quality escapism, and even the normalfag-approved "progress" that I want to do in life is for the purpose of easier isolation and escapism (going to college and being able to get an easy remote job, to afford to live alone). I hate this world and I want to do as much escapism as possible -- however, the true "escape" from this world is death, right? It's almost like what I'm doing is killing myself without actually killing myself. Wouldn't actually killing myself be more efficient and effective? But it's scary. I don't know what awaits me after death, it could be something better (atheist-style cessation of consciousness falls onto this), but it could be something worse, and maybe specifically killing myself could trigger said worse conclusion (eg. going to hell for doing it). If I was full-on religious and was assured that I'd go to hell if I killed myself, I definitely wouldn't consider the possibility of doing it. And if I was completely assured that such a thing can't be possible, I would also have peace of mind knowing that I can kill myself without repercussions. But I'm stuck in this uncertain limbo. And the scariest part is imagining that I'd kill myself thinking that I'll be fine and then ending up in hell or whatever and regretting it. But also, even excluding explicitly bad conclusions like that, if I kept my memories I would be burdened knowing the suffering that I'd have caused to my family, etc.
This is all to say, am I fucked? Will I have to go down your road and endure this for years and years, until I actually end up killing myself, or I somehow die of other causes, or miraculously, something changes in my life? Is there the possibility that I'll achieve a pseudo-nirvana by mastering escapism and being able to almost completely get rid myself of these thoughts?

I'm never going to change.

>>29770
Practice stoicism per Epictetus. Your first lesson is to stop hating yourself. If you manage that you win. I lost so no advice. Good luck. I believe in you. Never give up.

>>29772
How do I know if I hate myself?

>>29767
All too relatable.
Sadly.

Are estranged people destined to never find one another?

>>29781
Estranged people better know better than to try their luck trying to connect with others because they've been hurt too many times before.

Sometimes I wish I was more visibly ill so others would be more empathetic towards me, but it's more likely that I'll be treated like garbage instead.

>>29785
My thoughts exactly

I'm starting to think everything, that makes me keep going is a delusion, lie or otherwise false belief. There is not much left anymore, but I'm sure it's only matter of time, till all of my dearest hopes and positive thoughts are unveiled as some sort of falsehood. Looking at other people, of whom I barely know anyone, as I'm living in self-chosen solitude, I feel like they all have something to keep them going. Some sort of belief, they cling onto, to not fall into deep despair, but all those things that I had, seem to just not be true, nonexistent or who knows what.

I'm sure I'll go someday, if not today...
>>29785
I can relate anon. But then again, when i do go to the doctor, my family will treat my health like a spectacle for all to see. not sure if I wanna deal with the verbal abuse that comes with it.
>>29792
>planetarian
been meaning to play that, but I've held off since someone who I loved passed away in april. so it would just be adding more sadness D:

God, is it an insensitive thing to say, but how I envy people who are consistent with their pain, while I can't even do the 鬱 thing right...
I wish the mood swings would stop. At times i **seem** to get the silver of understanding that it's a thing very inherent to me, yet.

Another day, another thing to get frustrated by. Well, that's not true entirely, it's the same things over and over again, that I get frustrated by, but that just sounded good.

>>29794
As someone with a fairly consistent level of misery, I agree it's something you do kind of get numb to with time. I get the occasional spike which can be hell, but it usually passes after a few days.

I have a sketch of the plan but can't choose place yet. Also need to get rope without anyone noticing and that depends on the place. Too much going out, too little time. I wish I knew of something dirty quick and accessible. Something I could prepare without anyone noticing it. Rope isn't bad, but preparation is tedious and I'm just so tired

I'm frustrated, so very very frustrated.

Every little thing, every thoughtless inconsiderate thing done to me always leads to an overreaction on my part. I don't show it much, but I usually have to step away quickly. Just a bit ago I opened the freezer today to put away my rather meager groceries for the week only to find it stuffed with shit put in there carelessly. No surprise, it happens all the time, but I really don't feel like unraveling this puzzle just so that I may eat this week, all the while I have a child babbling at me, my mom bothering me about how I looked really cranky after working 10 hour shifts all week, and a loud ass TV playing god knows what on it. I ended up getting overwhelmed both by sensory overload and also negative emotions and thoughts and ran up to my room.

What happens is, one thought leads to another on what feels like an unending chain of misery. Eventually I end up dredging up old memories where I was wronged and then that brings up even older memories where a similar situation happened with my sister and they didn't just ignore or forget about it. Something rather small turns into a big deal damn near every time.

The advice I usually get is just saying something about it but... that's difficult when you're completely overwhelmed. If I did say something, I would probably end up having a total meltdown and suspect that the response I would get is "Oh, my life sucks too, stop being a bitch." They couldn't understand anyway, or would think I'm "just" overreacting again.

I'll leave this rant here, because I already just did it again and anything else will just get me further and further from whatever initial idea I had with this post.

>>29806
Hey here's my hand of support for you. Don't despair. Somehow, someday, it will end in a good way. You're stressed, but at least we can exchange some words to make it a bit more bearable

Damn anon that's so understandable. I don't feel like that right now, but felt it a while ago and I know it will inevitably happen again, but sometimes you're so psychologically exhausted that throwing yourself out of a window feels much easier that moving a finger to do something about your predicament. It's not your fault and isn't even some "pathology". You're just too stressed and can't recover because circumstances don't allow. Anyway, I just wanted to say I could lend whatever help I can afford online, as long as I'm not up to it (misery, that is) myself, in which case I act as quite a bitch. Dunno if that matters. Dunno how you're receiving this. Just knowing how it feels I'm now aware of anything more helpful than somebody who gives at least a single fuck

There's nothing for me in this world.

>>29823
You can live to eat punyun~

>>29823
After loosing quite literally everything I've realized I've never had it in the first place. The realization did nothing (at all) to help stabilize my mood, though. So instead I rant about not being able to come to terms with myself. Once you get started with ranting it's hard to stop but I am fairly sure it only makes things worse. Or it just seems. I don't really know at this point.

For honesty's sake I'm not at it but I've been dealt a blow and now I feel my fortitude oozing through the wound. Maybe it will turn out okay in the end, but if it doesn't do it soon enough I might make another post here.

I genuinely think I'd be dead right now if it weren't for 2D girls.

I hate winter and I hate social media. The world would be better if things I loved were left alone by certain types of people.

The more I struggle, the deeper I sink. Yet it never ends.
It's inexplicable how someone so unfit for life like me was bequeathed with it in the first place.
I would gladly relinquish it for someone who needs it more than I do in a heartbeat if I could.

I thought maybe there was still a chance but no. It was just a brief lapse of sanity. I mostly subsisted on luck before, but now that it's run out it's over. Can't do with little when you need a ton. You could blame me for being a lazy jackass who does nothing entire day and say that it's my fault but dude I can't even listen when other are speaking to me, twenty seconds in and I mindwander elsewhere and as a result don't have any idea what they talked to me about at all. I am simply unsustainable. It would be easier if I didn't feel guilty for writing this but great lord do I understand now why some people simply break and drink themselves to death. Once you get started on this spiral of complete cognitive inability there is literally nothing else left to do though

Even if all my problems were to disappear magically or something like that, it would be still the fact, that I've grown tired of life. So much so, that I don't feel like there is any point in continuing it for much longer. When I was younger, I was much more impulsive and therefor things like attempting suicide were much easier. I told everyone that I regret it, but deep down I wish I had died. Now I just dwell in the same situation for years, because I overthink everything, and can't move anywhere with my thoughts. It's such a laughable situation too; if I were to write some kind of suicide note, I wouldn't know what to write down, because this dread, that I've been feeling is not really based on rational things. Some months ago, I watched some lecture on Youtube from Standford or Yale or some similar university, about suicide and when it makes sense. The professor concluded suicide makes only sense when you know for sure, that it gets only worse. I'm sure my life is a downwards-spiral, but regardless of that I can't really reason why it is that way. It just is that way. This is not too say my bad feeling about my life is not grounded in reality, it is, very much so, but the feeling itself, is not very rational. Perhaps one has to differ here.

Continuing the post >>29895:
I'm not even sure if I want things to get better. Oneself, or at least myself, always says that, because it sounds good. "Ohhh, I sure do want my situation to get better. I want to live a good life and I want this and that", but in reality I just want to stop existing. I'm so damn tired of this awful life and I couldn't imagine what goddamn change would have to happen in order for me to stop feeling bad about it. I'm not saying I don't want to feel better per se, but I cannot imagine some circumstance, in which my life wouldn't be awful. Will I be happy when I reach age 50 and start working hard every day until then? I would say no, but more importantly, it just isn't worth it, because I have grown tired of this life and don't want it anymore. Saying that you want things to get better is also probably a lie of most suicidal people. They ask you this shit every time you are confined in a mental institution, they say "Do you want your life to get better, Mr. Brohno?" and internally I scream "Screw this life. I just want to die in peace", but then I go out of my way and lie "Yes, of course I want my life to get better".

>>29895
>The professor concluded suicide makes only sense when you know for sure, that it gets only worse.
There's some joke in there about a high-falutin uni prof doing all this research to arrive at a conclusion that could be gotten by asking someone. Although strictly speaking I think it should be that it is appealing when you know that things won't get better (since you might just be "bored" with it all, and even if life doesn't get any worse it also isn't going to improve.)

>>29897
What if you know it will get better, but the current suffering is not worth the wait?

Did you ever feel so tired that even suicide feels like too much effort?

>>29948
This is probably more common than you think, considering that the reason why people in the first few weeks of taking anti-depressants have a significantly higher chance of suicide, because those medications increase your impetus to do things, but in that short time frame, are not having their anti-depressive effects, which leads to depressed people having impetus to do stuff, which in a lot of cases is suicide.

>>29897
>>29898
What does "it will get better eventually" even mean?

Are you supposed to feel not-so-bad at 40?
When most people got to experience lots of fun at 20 and you missed out on that?

How would you even know that you are actually feeling better, and you haven't simply given up on your dreams, thus lowering your expectations?

>>29950
Giving up unreasonable desires is the chief technique of achieving happiness. Everyone converged on that, or almost everyone. In many cases, deprivation itself isn't a source of grief, but rather what comes with mental illness. Depression, anxiety, fear, avoidance, all of these things kill you from inside in the most venomous ways. Beside them, lack of money or property barely qualifies as a mild inconvenience. For normal people wageslavery is either a way of life, or a temporary limitation to overcome. To a mentally ill person it's nothing but a stress multiplier that simply makes agony sharper. I know by experience that comfortable life does not in any way solve any of mental issues. They persist either way. Comfort slows them down, sometimes, in other cases accelerates. The same with poor living, some issues it helps, some it makes worse. But in the end, nothing is a solution. You just have to suffer and wait your turn to die. You don't even have time to think about missing out some experiences because you're in constant incessant pain. There is no hope ahead. Postponing suicide is primarily done as an attempt to resurrect hope. Maybe the mental illness will go away after some time? Unlikely, but lets just wait to see. Maybe somebody will cure me? No, but lets just wait to see. Maybe it won't at least be so bad that I can't endure it? Possible, lets just wait to see. Ultimately it all comes down to getting out of the I-want-to-live trap set up by mother nature. Until you can overcome your desire to live, you postpone death hoping that maybe tomorrow it won't be so sharp that you need to end it then and there.