Thanks for creating the new thread.

I've been having a headache and light tiredness for the past week, it appeared out of nowhere. It almost feels like the day before you get a fever, except the fever never comes. (I can't help but worry if it's due to the one dose of the covid gene therapy i took almost 4 years ago; some people say that igg4 tolerance can create such symptoms of extremely mild but persistent illness.) I hate that I don't even have the wherewithal to enjoy cute things anymore.

aaa

Being left alone in peace and quiet. Isn't that all I want? It's not like life is going to get get any better.

I just want to spend time with my hobbies.

my mom walked into my room without knocking and told me "happy new year's eve". i immediately knew where this was going, because she never seems to ever be legitimately just kind for kindness's sake, she usually expects something in return, so i stayed silent. she then asked "do you have any resolutions for the next year?", to which i said "not really". i've historically never been able to follow through on any resolutions i've set for myself, so a year or two ago, i stopped bothering. my mom didn't take it very well. she got really mad out of nowhere, but i saw it coming. she told me something to effect of "your list of resolutions should be a mile long! you should be wanting to get a job, and a car, and a driver's license, and going back to school..." she rattled off pretty much every failure of my late teens so far, with literally no provocation from me. i'm somewhat used to it at this point, we've been getting into shouting matches at least once a month since i dropped out of college around 9 months ago, and she's really passive-aggressive...or sometimes outright furious about the fact that i can't drive, and therefore, can't work due to a lack of reliable means of transportation. sometimes, it's just really minor stuff that sets her off, like me accidentally getting into her leftovers or something while she's out, even though she's routinely gone for days at a time sometimes and will sometimes go weeks without shopping for food. she always manages to turn every conversation we have into how she's a victim of how apathetic and lazy i am. how i never do anything for her and how she tries oh, so hard as a single mother raising an ungrateful child for 19 years. every time i try to counter (she does lie and get stuff just wrong a lot of the time, for example, i'm the only one doing any housework because she's usually gone for days at a time), she throws an outright tantrum and starts crying, or screaming, or breaks stuff in the house, and starts threatening to throw me out and sell all my belongings. she'll then retreat to her room to smoke weed and chat on the phone for hours like a teenage girl. sometimes she'll just disappear for days at a time. rinse and repeat...
it's getting really hard to live like this, but i don't really know what to do about it.
my mom's side of the family is worthless at best, and at worst, they cape really hard for my mom. they'll routinely remind me of all of my shortcomings, some of which aren't even true since they're the same lies my mom tells everyone about me, but nobody listens. i never get the same charity or goodwill that anyone else in the family will get. my grandmother would routinely let my aunts and uncles stay with her when they needed it, but when i ask, i get told "no" by everyone except her. when i ask "why", the answers range from "well it's not your house" to "granny just wants to be alone" to "you're not one of her children". i guess i'm not important enough for them.
i cut my dad's side of the family off years ago, at my mom's suggestion (in hindsight i probably should've listened to my mom less. that can be my new year's resolution.). my dad was abusive towards her, and seemingly got really mad, really easily. i remember him getting mad at and sometimes beating some of the women he was around. he was never really abusive towards me, though, but still, there wasn't much value in keeping his side of the family around. they were always kind of a bad influence and there was never much stability, he seemed to be really into the whole gangster lifestyle so he was always moving around from place to place. it's kind of scummy of my mother for to now, suddenly, want me to reconnect with my dad's side of the family now that she's tired of me, she's not-so-subtly trying to wash her hands of me, but i'm getting past the point of caring.
sometimes i'm scared of my mother following through on her threats. i wouldn't really mind if she just disappeared, at that point i'm not sure if my extended family would have a choice when it came to taking me in, and as horrible as it might sound, i really wouldn't be super sad if she died, but there's also the possibility of her throwing me out of the house. what would i do with all of my stuff? i wouldn't be able to keep it anywhere and i can't just take it with me on the road. i shouldn't have to sell everything i own, and it probably wouldn't amount to much anyway. sometimes i'm scared of her just throwing all of my belongings away under my nose. i'll lock my door sometimes, but she'll just incessantly beat the door until i inevitably get tired of her and open it anyway, at which point she screams at me for wanting to keep my door locked. i've considered running away and even throwing myself off the nearest bridge more times than i'd like to admit, but that wouldn't really solve anything. my mom would still play victim and pretend that she didn't see it coming. or worse, lie about everything and pretend that i killed myself for some petty reason. i also don't think that should be necessary for me to get out of my situation. i don't think i've ever really made any mistakes or done anything wrong. i was born to a shitty deadbeat dad who left and left with a single hysterical victim-complex mother who's consistently bad with money, to the point where she currently has a cat and a weed addiction despite seemingly barely being able to pay rent. my family basically tells me to fuck off every time i try to ask them to help at all.
i get nervous whenever i leave my room. i'm scared that my mother is going to try and..."talk" to me. her smell makes me sick. the thought of sharing cups or mugs with her makes me sick (she keeps stealing my mugs for some reason, but i digress). i get angry having to tard-wrangle her pet cat. i start to panic every time i hear a door open or whenever she wakes up and i hear her alarm as she stomps around in the morning.
i'm going to try and contact my father. apparently he went to jail, did time, and fixed himself up. i'm hoping he'll let me stay with him, and maybe then i can get myself out of this situation. if that doesn't work, i don't know what i'll do.
...i'm sorry if this post is obnoxiously long. every time i talk about this, i either get ignored or called lazy, so i always feel like i have to add a ton of context.

>>28619
Sorry to hear about that anon, i hope things get better for you.

>>28619
Learning how to drive would be useful regardless of what path you choose to take.

>>28627
not him but while I have a license I'm scared of driving. It's mentally taxing, and if you're mind is absent for one second then you're going to crash. I'd rather just live somewhere where I can walk or bike to places.

>>28619
your mother has NPD, insecure "people" with a constant need to bully others in order to feel good about themselves, they'll nitpick the smallest most insignificant, pathetically vain things, in order to have even the slightest excuse for going on a tirade of which the essence is how terrible of a person you are and how amazing of a person they are, your mother most likely prefers you being a NEET so she can kick down whenever she feels like it, the "i'm getting mad because i care about you!" act is nothing more than lies, don't be fooled by any act of "kindness" since they're not capable of empathy, only mimicking for manipulation purposes
i think you should take the risk and go with your father, i'm not telling you to commit suicide, but death is preferable to living with one of these monsters, being in an environment where you don't have to walk on egg shells, maybe you're going to be capable of working your way towards independence, so you can get away from all these morons entirely, you should strip yourself of any empathy you might feel towards these insentient imbeciles and exploit them to the maximum to achieve your goal, it's only fair, the least they could do for making your existence so miserable

>>28628
I hopefully don't mean to be too straightforward but your situation seems a bit serious to me so...if driving was one of the few ways to slowly leave that kind of life I would consider it. It's just something I've perceived from your post.

Everything would be better if I was rich!

I want to say something but I can`t.

>>28619
what country are you from?

>>28627
>>28631
i'm definitely not against driving, but me not knowing how is a bit of a story. in my state, you can get your learner's permit (and i think a special license, but i don't remember) at age 14, but the permit requires that a 21 year old with a license has to be in the vehicle with you at all times. really stupid law, i don't know why it has to be an adult who's at drinking age and not just someone who has a license, so my only option when it comes to having an adult in the car so i can legally drive myself to the DMV is my mom. i've gotten my permit renewed 4 times at this point, but have never been able to take the test to get my license because the only vehicle we have is my mom's SUV, which i can't drive because it's way too big (the one time i tried, i couldn't see the road at all, and i hit a curb once and my mom immediately panicked and told me to get out the driver's seat). this is another thing my mom likes to make me feel like trash about, the fact that i refuse to try and drive a SUV again, even though i've had other people explain to her that different vehicles have different weights, and a SUV is not a good vehicle for a beginner.
we've had multiple opportunities to use someone else's car; she had a boyfriend with a car i could've used, and my grandmother used to have a smaller car, but every time, plans fell through for one reason or another. my grandmother got a SUV and got rid of her old car, and my mom broke up with her then boyfriend. she keeps gaslighting me about it and tells me that it's my fault i don't have a license because i always gave excuses for not using their cars, but this never happened, usually it was her being "too tired" to go driving or take me to the DMV.
my mom bought a car for me to use when i turned 18 (it's important to note that the car isn't in my name, so i technically don't own it. this stuff is confusing and nobody taught me how these things work). i didn't ask for a car, at this point i was telling her that i didn't need or want one because i was going to college, but she did it anyway. the car she got was really old and cheap, and it broke down once as i was driving. it got to a point where getting it fixed every time something went wrong was more trouble than it was worth. a few months ago, her SUV got damaged in a wreck, so she actually doubled down and tried to get the car fixed so she could use it, but then the second her SUV got fixed, she just abandoned my car and told me "when you get a job, you can pay to get your car fixed" (ignoring that i need a car to get to work in the first place, so the priorities are backwards. she gets made and screams at me whenever i tell her this). i told her on new year's eve to just sell the car off, to which she yelled at me about how she's still paying it off (despite not even using it anymore?) so she can't sell it or return it. i then told her "you shouldn't have gotten the car in the first place, i told you i didn't want or need one", and then she got mad and screamed at me again.
all i really need is a bike or something, but she won't even do that.
>>28643
united states

My time off work has come to an end, and I feel more exhausted than when I left. It was just trading one hell for another.
I'm so tired of being around others. I just want to enjoy the quiet and not have people forcing their absurd expectations on me. I don't care if I'm good at what I do. Shouldn't be my problem, but people just want to use me as a "get out of jail free" card.

no hope

>>28652
Your parents sound like real crap. Is that house even built properly? Anyone can build one, but doing it right is another matter.

burger

My first 25 years of life were very difficult but I survived somehow. I'm still in a mess but starting to think more clearly. I think I'm starting to recover and recompose myself. But I think it might be too late (there will be too many problems ahead and I won't survive). I want to apologize for my behavior.

This is it. I can't keep thinking "If only killing myself were easier". There is no alternative. As long as I still live, I will do everything to die. Hopefully this will take care of the problem quickly, maybe even a single day. There was never an alternative. Every path leads to suicide. Every idea that isn't suicide will be actively led back to suicide. I won't give anything else any more leeway; The clock is ticking. The future is only my death. It's impossible to think of anything else. It always was. What seems different will be taken apart and brought back to suicide until it is fulfilled. I am already dead, only the fulfillment of an act already set in motion remains. It wouldn't even be me doing it, it has already been prophesized to happen. I have finally ended the problem.

>>28661
why are you so determined?

>>28661
unless the suffering is unbearable, there's no need to rush, it's not guaranteed that you will live out a full lifetime, you don't have to go looking around for death it will come for you because it is inevitable, most of us will be dead before we even know it

Sorry.

I wish I had someone in my life that gives a shit about me.

>>28605
me too

it's incredible to me how badly i managed to destroy my life before even hitting the age of 25 although i've inevitably reached the conclusion that age has little relevance in anything, even if i'm fully aware that the odds were against me and in retrospect my life ended at the age of 7 which is humorous because i've always held the notion that i'm not going to make it past this age mark since prepubescence and it looks like i may be proving my past self correct, the only escape for me at this point is suicide, that or be tortured everyday by the psychological equivalent of cancer for the remainder of my existence, after a consciousness' termination blissful non-existence follows, this is a rational realization but there's also an emotional component because i truly want this to end and for there to be nothing, anyone who brings an innocent creature into this pointless, worthless, cold ugly world to be molested and traumatized incessantly and perpetually until dropping death for doing nothing wrong other than being involuntarily shat out a cunt is either an unconscious animal or a psychopath, there is no demiurge and if there is one it takes pleasure in cosmic suffering, some may refer to it as "evil"

>>28683
>my life ended at the age of 7
Please elaborate.

i just dont wanna deal with any of this

aa I was doing so well over holidays, but since last week it keeps getting worse
>>28656
borgar

the dog which my family owned since i was 15 died about three months ago, i've been emotionally disconnecting myself from all forms of 3D for the past few years by applying a mentality which is essentially ethical sociopathy onto myself, therefore i wasn't phased by its death when it happened, i forced myself to cry as an outlet for whatever emotional residue was left over from the period of my life in which i did care about it (i was the only one who did and took care of it most) and after that i stopped thinking about the whole thing almost entirely, however i was recently struck by the realization that ever since this incident occurred i've been feeling more dead inside and detached from reality than i usually do, as much as it pains me to admit it

I wish I could reincarnate after I die. I feel like I didn't live my own life. Or that I could go back in time in this life. I wish I had gotten into math and computer science when I was like 4 years old, at least in my early teens, and not care about anything else. I wanted to go to an university and become an academic. Learn a lot of stuff and do a lot of stuff.
My life is fubar. It's too late for a lot of things. Everything will get worse and there's no escape. In most scenarios, I end up homeless. It is a golden opportunity to at least tell the world how I feel in a thread like this but it feels awkward and embarrassing. It's very complicated, if someone asked me how I got here I wouldn't know where to even start. There are a lot of things, even with a 10k chars wall of text it wouldn't be enough to cover all of my problems and worries. But it doesn't matter, what matters is I couldn't/can't seem to make it because there are too many problems.
I don't know whether I should give up without even trying or if I should still try despite everything, and if I should try, what even could I still try.

>>28691
This is relatable. I won't disclose my age but I'm in my mid-late twenties.
In any case, I was a very gifted child, but I was also extremely lazy. It became apparent from an early age that I was very advanced in my vocabulary and writing ability and was actually very good at mathematics as a small child too.

Some time around 8-0 I decided that I wanted to be an author, so I completely neglected mathematics. More than that, I thought that it was worthwhile to stop practicing it at all, favoring the lifestyle of "the artist" instead. I honed my writing ability from 10 to 17 and I deliberately skipped my mathematics classes, proclaiming it to be a waste of time, etc.

In any case, a few years ago I lost my motivation to write, so I went back to school for I.T, since I have an interest in computers and always have (considering I'm on here) but had never put in any effort to learn how to program anything, including basic webpage design like HTML.
I quickly discovered that maths was totally essential for my classes. There's many cases where I simply can't do the work at the same pace as everyone else, because I'm trying to catch up with the numbers. I discovered that I essentially have the mathematics skills of a 10 year old, because that's when I stopped paying attention to maths.

I wish I could do my life over and pay attention in class and not try to spitefully forgo other skills just because I want to double-down on another one.

Oh, and I would like to brush my teeth. I stopped doing that at age 12 until 16 and I suffer the consequences daily.

>>28683
>my life ended at the age of 7 which is humorous because i've always held the notion that i'm not going to make it past this age mark since prepubescence

I wonder what psychological situation causes this kind of thinking to take root in a child? When I was 8 or 9, everyone in my classroom was told to gather in a circle and talk about what they'd like to be when they're older. I strongly remember saying that I wouldn't be alive when I was older because I would have died in a car accident or had some sort of ill-fate by then. Naturally the teacher told me that I was extremely pessimistic and had a bad attitude, but it is a weird thing for a child to talk about.

>>28692
>Some time around 8-0 I decided that I wanted to be an author, so I completely neglected mathematics. More than that, I thought that it was worthwhile to stop practicing it at all, favoring the lifestyle of "the artist" instead. I honed my writing ability from 10 to 17 and I deliberately skipped my mathematics classes, proclaiming it to be a waste of time, etc.
Did anybody put those ideas in your head, or have a problem with you neglecting a subject completely?

>>28694
>Did anybody put those ideas in your head
My Mother, my teachers and the school. I was placed in an advanced English course that I did in lieu of regular English and had regular one on one meetings with a local author to further my education in a more specialized way.

And no, nobody had an issue with me neglecting any of my subjects. I failed the classes, but it is not mandatory to pass any classes in highschool here if your parent says it's fine, at least not until you're in your final two years at which point it does become compulsory.

>>28695
It's too bad you didn't go to a school with lots of Chinese kids. I did, and math was considered king. Engineering and computer science are math heavy and actually pay well. The poor writer stereotype has existed for decades now, so I have a hard time wrapping my head around this.

I've done so many things I regret. I can't help but question whether I'm really a bad person, deep down. I can understand why people don't trust me. If I went back and did some things differently, I would probably just screw things up in some other way, later. Sigh.

>>28691
Relatable. I have a "why bother" attitude towards life. It feels like something people only develop in middle age or older. It's hard to take care of myself without defaulting into a mindset of "nothing will come out of this". People say the journey is the destination and I know all of that and the dangers of being idealistic. Still, that very same journey doesn't seem worth starting or maintaining when you've seen what happens to others with a late start like yourself.
I don't want to go back or wish I could've done things different, that only adds to the stress. It couldn't have been any other way for me and others, in my view. Bad experiences are like death, I'm better off not thinking about them until they happen. If they are memories, we are very good at gaslighting ourselves. Sometimes they are too hard to ignore so I'm posting here and venting with an image.

Another unrelated vent while I'm at it because I noticed I've been holding onto this since Christmas.
A family member I only see once a year lectured me about the future, he wasn't trying to berate me, it was the opposite, but his arrogance mixed with what I perceived as condescending pity got to me. I simply told him I wasn't doing much at the time and he told me not to worry (I don't). He is the type of person who only gives advice to hear themselves talk, worse of all he was also babbling about meditation and the ego trying to relate to me. I've meditated before and one lesson I took from exploring that is not talking about it. I was really close to ruining Christmas but I'm glad I only talked back a bit to shut him up. It's not a good feeling knowing my family looks at me that way and I prefer not to attend family reunions or birthdays. They say they want to see me and ask why I don't go but they only really like how I was more accommodating to them when I was younger compared to my siblings and they still have that perception of me. Won't give them the satisfaction of seeing me next year.

It's currently the weekend, which most people fawn over as this great thing, but I disagree. During the week I take CCNA classes and they can be very exhausting and mentally draining, but every time I learn something new or understand the subject matter better I progress as a person. It's a valid use of my time and I although it is a pain, it's way better than sitting around doing nothing all day. During the weekends while class is out, I find that I have no motivation to do anything but sit around and bullshit for the ENTIRE day. It's not always this way, sometimes there are things to do or people to hang out with, but when I'm confined to my room I get so miserable. There isn't really a whole lot to do around where I live and I'm just waiting to finally move at the end of this month to somewhere much more exciting that I believe will motivate me to get out and go do things.

I know it sounds pitiful, I'm only 10 days out from this location change that seems like the solution to my problems and I'm complaining. Even still, it is the weekend right now and I've wasted my Friday night and Saturday doing nothing. I find comfort in this board though

>>28699
Hello again, I wrote the above post. This Saturday actually turned out to be one of the best I've had in a while! I was gonna stay in the rest of the day and probably mope, but I went out and actually made something of today and had a lot of fun!

I did so on a whim just after typing up that reply. I think I just needed to write my frustrations down so I could see and process them to then create a healthy response to my problem.

Sometimes, it's yourself that holds you back and you don't even realize it until you actually get up and do something about the problem you're having.

I only do what I want to do. I guess that's why life isn't too bright right now.

Just when I came to the conclusion that my psychological circumstances couldn't possibly become worse than they already are, out of nowhere something happens and proves me wrong. At this point you can't help laugh at the absurdity of it all.

>>28703
What happened?

Got hit by a car quite recently.
i wish i had died, that's all

>>28707
If it had only been a truck, you could have been isekai'd. No anime ever began with someone being run over by a Toyota Prius.

Work has been hell lately. Somehow in a year, I went from never employed shut-in to being treated like some highly experienced veteran that has seen everything in my field.
Expectations are higher than ever, as well as my desire to be free of it all.

>>28699
I think that's reasonable, if you are completely drained during the weekdays then it can take a day or two just to recover from that so you can be in the mindset of being able to enjoy something. 2 days of recovery is really too short after a week of wageslaving.

>>28698
I can't sleep and now that I'm reading this again, it makes me feel worse. It reads like something someone spoiled and ungrateful would write. I understand we're supposed to not keep our worries to ourselves here but I find this a bit embarrassing despite being anonymous. The truth is, I'm physically and mentally traumatized even though I like to pretend I'm not. I feel impotence mixed with anxiety, fear and anger, lots of anger. At some point, I figured that instead of moping, it is better to have a sense of peaceful wrath and move forward in silence.
I don't want to sound childish and say it's all their fault, just know that they did have a lot to do with it. The full story is also embarrassing, both the way I acted and more so the humiliating way I was treated by them. Now I realize my behavior was me being young and not knowing any better. Forgiving myself is easy but the trauma won't let me forget nor fully forgive others for what happened. To clarify, it wasn't SA, It was something along those lines and I couldn't bring myself to touch my shitty father for 2 years. Sounds like cope but it really wasn't, the trauma is not only due to a single event, there are also memories that have accumulated over the years. Sorry for being dramatic, whenever I read posts like these written by others I can only feel sadness and wish they get better, so I'll keep trying to do that. A few tears left my eyes writing this.

I think I'm not going to make it. So I wanted to at least say something, leave a record that I existed. But it's awkward and I'm not good with words. So nevermind.

>>28713
one day we all will fade away

>>28713
Goodbye.

I stopped showing up to university so I failed every single class.

I don't know what I should say.

>>28716
Oh hi me from 10 years ago.

>>28707
I hate cars and the fact most of the places we live were built for them. Were you injured? I have a sore back and even that saps my will to live, ridiculous as it sounds.

>>28716
If it makes you feel better, one time I took an intense 3 hour night time art class for a whole semester and then found out, a day before the final exam, that I never successfully signed up for that class haha all that time for nothing.

Never went to the final exam

The problem is life and being human.

The problem is our outlook on life.

>>28728
Suffering (which is exacerbated by consciousness) and death are integral parts of the human condition, while pleasure is not guaranteed. Regardless of what your outlook on life is, it won't protect you from mental illness, cancer, poverty etc. Pessimism is a consequence of perceiving reality accurately.

I seriously fucked up at work

>>28736
That's alright anon. Your workplace will get by. It's not that bad. Try to relax and not worry about it, okay?

Got excluded and I'm feeling alienated
It just makes me want to exclude and alienate myself more

>>28738
Excluded from what anon?

>>28740
It's an internet community/friend group I've been a part of for years now. It's not the type of exclusion where they tell you to go away but rather the subtle kind where you feel like you made a wrong choice in a VN in real life. I know it's the internet and I can step away from the computer anyway, but it still hurts.
I could brush it off and deal with the awkwardness until things go back to normal but bleh. It made me rethink my approach to the way I use the internet and how I view ¨friendships¨ in it, it's not that I'm naive, maybe I became unconsciously attached to them w/o realizing it. Taking a break from it right now. This wasn't on d*sc*rd by the way, ew.
I went outside to take a walk, clear my mind and buy things I needed, ended up having nice interactions with different cashiers, probably because the weather was nice and comfy. I live in a small city so people outside tend to be nice, sometimes. Old people doing morning runs/walks will say good morning to you for no reason around 5-7 A.M (I was late). I'm still not over it, although I'm feeling better.

Having tea. I wanna get drunk but I haven't had anything to eat yet.

grow up.
there is no friendship in the interwebs.

>>28745
Not with that kind of attitude there's not.
The best people I've ever known are all from the internet.

I want to run away.

>>28745
>>28746
I didn't believe in them at first, now I don't know what to think. Internet friends can go offline and never talk to you again whenever they want. Besides loneliness, seeing people in my life come and go made me give it a try. ¨It doesn't matter if I never see them again as long as we have fun¨ It's what I thought. Better to keep the good experiences I had as a memory and ¨grow up¨.
I'm tired of the internet.

>>28748
Tired as well, but of everything. Of thinking, feeling, reading, typing, clicking, watching, trying, failing, succeeding, talking, chores, eating, sleeping. Just everything. Maintaining oneself is such a hassle and I don't even see why I should continune to do so. Shotgun to the head seems more attractive with every year.

I cannot take care of myself.

>>28750
Can someone take care of you?

>>28750
Might want to learn how before it's too late. The longer you put it off the worse it's going to be.

>>28750
In what sense?

>>28746
yes, with that kind of attitude !

>>28746
People have brought me nothing but suffering and stagnation, both offline and online. I wish I understood this when I was younger and kept to myself, maybe then I would have been able to live out a semi-decent existence instead of pure agony.

Emotional pain is turning into physical pain, exacerbating the cycle.
>>28756
The worst mistakes in my life have had something to do with oversharing.

>>28757
I always wondered what would have been if there were somebody who understood. Just as we can more or less understand us each other here.
Nice Yui btw. Great girl she is.

I cried over elementary school trauma that happened to me almost two decades ago. Maladaptive daydreaming failed me today, I have no other choice but to drug myself up with chamomile and hope it just goes away.

>>28753
In every sense, I guess. I don't shower, don't brush, don't do laundry or clean around, barely eat once every couple days, don't go to my classes and don't do much other than sit here. God forbid I ever stop getting financial support.

>>28761
You should atleast brush your teeth to avoid dentist visits.

I feel like I'm in a downward spiral these days. Now and then I take a look at myself wondering what the hell I'm doing. I've betrayed the simple pleasures of my hikineet days, and have been slipping further ever since.
My family members are so proud of me for working and tell me I'm doing great, and yet I'm totally disgusted with myself and how weak-willed I am.

Obnoxious mentally ill freak, abomination. Pointless existence. Shouldn't have been born.

Need rest.

Knowing that death is certain is the only though which brings me comfort.

>>28781
I don't exactly want to die, there are things I want to do, but life sucks.