>>29085
I can leave my mail and public key if you want but I'm not always available and I'm not open to disclosing personal information. Also due to some strange entities in my closet I can do some strange things. Not sure if I should be posting this, though. I don't think myself fit for the purpose of having conversations, but you make it look like you're looking for a fitting person, so we might as well try. Just please if you're going to do it don't have any good expectations about me.

>>29085
Why would you prefer a single individual? Do you still want the veil of anonymity?

A while ago I came across the phrase "the able bodied gaze". The concept being that disabled people, neurodivergents, extremely mentally ill people end up chasing the end goal of being and passing as normies to their own detriment.

As I've gotten older I realize the extent to which this shit has ruined my life. I spent so much time chasing some imaginary idea of normalcy that I forgot to actually live my life. A boomer would chime in with some bullshit about how this is why you're told to "b urself" but let's be real, the whole "b urself" sounds great but is often conditional on having both the right self and environment.

Every once in a while I come across someone who's just unapologetically autistic irl and I can't help but feel jealous. Normals see them and think "aww cute little autist" while I'm stuck in some uncanny valley. Too autistic to fit in with the normies but too aware of social niceties to let go and vibe with my other autists. I haven't kept up with my covid vaccines; maybe if I go get them my autism will increase enough that I just won't care.

>>29091
>Too autistic to fit in with the normies but too aware of social niceties to let go and vibe with my other autists.
Honestly, I've felt the opposite of you. I don't go full on retard in public, but I feel too strange for even autists. Too alien for anyone.

>>29090
Nice to meet you. Still seeking for somebody?

>>29092
I'm an alien too, I've never liked it when they've approached me thinking I was one of them.

>>29113
that's a great panel.

I was feeling under the weather and couldn't get asleep. Found a pic that touched me and spent a night fantasizing about a romantic relationship, mainly focusing on the key plot points. All 2D of course. Most of the time I was barely conscious overcome by slumber. Guess the taste on my tongue now that I woke up. There wasn't any single explicit moment and yet it felt so much better. Living in fantasy world is truly a gift I only wish waking up wasn't a thing.

>>29136
What was the pic, if you don't mind sharing?

>>29137
I'm not going to explain.

>>29138
I remember seeing this image, it's from a longer animated sequence that built up to this from a sequence of diffusion edits & inpainting.

I really have no idea what to do if I can't trust anyone. And the world that I had chased to see is just a defiled one. I'm alone in it. As for reality itself, all it can offer is amusement in aimless exploration with a risk of dying somewhere on the street or woods. There's just very little to care about. I'm trying to care about myself but that's just getting harder to do.

>>29147
You're right. Life has no value, but the way you live it. He who expects nothing from life finds that every second is gift worth celebrating. Stop putting value into things. Value your opinions instead. Be good to yourself. How? Remember that happiness is not acquired by possessing all that is wanted, but by removing the desire of what does not belong to you. To you only your opinion belongs, shape so that you are always happy. Give up everything else, it's not your own.

I did not duplicate it. Blame my browser. Might as well remove one instance.

>>29148
I guess this is pretty much all I can do. Not a lot can make me happy in the physical realm of things. And there's no changing people or making them understand what could be perfect in the 2nd non-physical. So if I know people are not always willing to follow my ideal happiness, perhaps just having less expectations will be the thing to put me more at ease. I'll just never understand or feel anything in a normal way that they can. And those are the types that I continuously avoid or feel are not honest enough. More of a threat than anything. I don't find it comfortable that they can accept the physical, where all you will see is the ugly truth and endless disappointment. Just pure dehumanization. Yet some of these things are still unavoidable no matter where. To the point of making it where it's all harder to ignore and making the struggle with myself unbearable. It's why a lot of the times I choose not to seem weak or show that I need help. I wouldn't want to complicate anything for someone else or get teased for it.

>I guess this is pretty much all I can do.
That's a whole lot more than you imagine.
>Not a lot can make me happy in the physical realm of things.
If we care to be honest, nothing of physical realms can bring happiness. Material things come and go as they please. If you take delight in them, whatever you think was happiness will be compensated by misery.
>And those are the types that I continuously avoid or feel are not honest enough.
People who value material things can't be trusted no matter what.
>all you will see is the ugly truth and endless disappointment.
All the ugliness and disappointment you see are you own failed expectations and desires. If you get rid of them, suddenly all looks beautiful and sensible again.
>Yet some of these things are still unavoidable no matter where.
Which?
>To the point of making it where it's all harder to ignore and making the struggle with myself unbearable.
Gotta try once more I guess. I haven't figured this one out. Sometimes I tell myself I won't ever give in, the rest of the time I feel like I'm just counting days until I do.
>It's why a lot of the times I choose not to seem weak or show that I need help.
You don't need anyone's help. The biggest achievement in this world that concludes the game and is equivalent to possessing the ultimate weapon is recognizing that even your life and body are nothing of any significance. Knowing this you don't need anyone's help because you have nothing of value that can be taken away.
>I wouldn't want to complicate anything for someone else or get teased for it.
Oh yeah, just fuck them. I personally don't have charisma to handle them well, so my best strategy is being oblivious. If it's physical harassment though it's tough.

>>28950
I will

Post edited on 28th May 2024, 6:05am

Good luck!

Today in particular I am unhappy because I can't remember which posts in any of the threads I looked at are mine.

Thinking back on it, the rot had already set in since long ago from when I was a child. I was never meant to be a "person".

>>29103
>>29089
Sorry about replying to this so late, but I'll have to decline and any others offering. I'm just too beaten up and dead inside to really believe someone would like talking to me. Most people just see me as a verbal punching bag or try to use and manipulate me. I kind of wish I was dead already after going through so much. At one point even, I was having intrusive thoughts about being a slave. Not in a sexual way but for some strange reasons I can't understand myself. Self-hatred?

>>29227
As you wish. I think communicating on imageboards is safer anyway.

>>29227
>At one point even, I was having intrusive thoughts about being a slave. Not in a sexual way but for some strange reasons I can't understand myself.

I was pondering this very idea in recent times too.
Specifically concepts akin to "acceptance of one's position and/or caste in the totem pole of servitude" and "the rejection of the hubris of man".
In some part I believe it comes from my own dismissal of any self-worth. Mercifully, I currently am not in a position where any of it would really apply other than in mindset and perspective, however this thought is one I come back to all too often.

>>29227
> was having intrusive thoughts about being a slave. Not in a sexual way but for some strange reasons I can't understand myself
I've sometimes sort of fantasized about this too. But slave tends to have negative connotation, more like a maid or something: having a defined role and purpose, with everything else sort of provided for you, and being appreciated for your work.

>>29227
I feel that way too, though mine often have a sexual component. It would just be so nice to sacrifice some amount of my freedom for having some other person manage this and that part of my life.

Pretty sure it has to do with not having much agency. Life just happens to me. It'd be nice to place my existence in the hands of a caring and competent master. It's a comforting fantasy even if it's unlikely and unrealistic.

>>29240
Yeah you basically described what I wanted to say in >>29232. The caring/competent master is the important part, "slave" in the connotation of being abused for work is not appealing in the slightest.

>>29147
>>29153
These posts could have been written by me. They say not losing our sense of humor is important to endure hardships but not having anyone I can trust (even if only partially) and talk to freely makes living almost impossible. Life has only gotten worse with age and my situation is too depressing for me to be able to laugh at it. There's no one I can do that with and the prospects of finding people I can open up and relate to are almost null. The future looks bleak and I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to handle it.

>To the point of making it where it's all harder to ignore and making the struggle with myself unbearable. It's why a lot of the times I choose not to seem weak or show that I need help. I wouldn't want to complicate anything for someone else or get teased for it.
It's like I'm made out of paper these days; Anything on the internet and fiction to a lesser extent can send me into an emotional breakdown where I don't want to do anything all day until I ¨reset¨ with a nap. I'm both sad and angry with myself because of how weak I've become.

Post edited on 13th Jun 2024, 3:50pm

I'm rewatching hibike euphonium, because I haven't watched the latest season and wanted to rewatch everything before starting the new one.

I have come to the realization that I never have been, and never will be as passionate for anything as these girls are for their music. I also never had and never will have the kind of relationships these girls have with each other, none of them afraid to show their true feelings and appreciation for one another. All I have is dull apathy, all the time. What have I actually achieved with my time? Years pass, and I'm exactly the same as I was before.

I feel this sometimes when watching SoL anime, most of the time I can ignore it. But this time it hit me harder than usual.

I can't associate with people, thus I refuse to want it. Instead, I could associate with nothing at all, but that it too boring to bear, because it forbids any engagement at all. So, I associate with things and concepts. I don't remember ever doing it before. I have a pretty good idea of where exactly it will make me end up. It's not like I can do anything about it though.

It never occurred to me I could stop being used to hopelessness, I felt that way for as long as I could remember, but I'm slowly crumbling apart and the only thing still holding it together is my absolute dread of losing the few people left that still bother being around by faltering just one moment. If it were somebody else, I'd probably tell them that this might be what they need to get out of their paralysis, but it sounds as meaningless now as I expect it would be to them. It'd have been easier to have never existed.

>>29510
you dont have to achieve anything. if watching anime and sleeping in the sun is what you like then dont feel ashamed. you have to live for yourself first.

in my experience my life got so much easier when i did what i wanted. i stopped considering what everyone else thought, and i stopped considering my own theoretical beliefs about how to live, i just did what i so desperately felt i needed to do. this fight between what "should be" and "what is" was decisively settled, and i found i had the power to work towards what i wanted, no longer a silently suffering observer.

once you know that your own needs come first, it doesnt feel like youre being enslaved when your society/family asks something of you, it really feels like youre making a choice in your best interest. also sorry if this post is a bit presumptuous about how you feel, but i hope it can help.

I need a cat so bad but I'll never get one like this

>>29526
This post has helped my mental space a lot more than I'd expect from some random imageboard post. Thanks.

One of my eyes are constantly watery and I don't know why. There's no way it could be an allergy. But if it's new, I'll never know. Additionally, I'm worried about losing the one and only friend I was able to make in these few years, especially since they're a real decent friend this time for once, unlike anybody else. It will someday have to happen and everything will just be dull and colorless again. Socializing isn't even fulfilling if the person isn't going to care about you. Impressing random people with shared knowledge of topics in discussion is too high energy and often ending in hostility, so even that isn't going to work. Besides, if I wanted a challenge, I'd do that solo instead of humoring or rewarding anyone.

>>20049
Same here. I get always told, that this is supposedly a sign of depression also, but that seems like some weird stretch of the original definition of depression to me. I'm not happy, but I'm also not unhappy, it's just apathy. You can do basically anything with me and I'll be in a way okay with it. It probably isn't too bad of a state of mind.

>>29661
That's depression, just not acute. In comparison, it's far better than being in constant mental pain.

Being a NEET, I obviously wanna do fun activities to spend this ultimately wasted time.
There's so much anime, VNs, manga and games that I'd love to go through but my brain doesn't let me. The inability to engage in my interests gets really frustrating really fast.
It's hard to watch or read anything, and usually takes me several hours for an episode or chapter, only to make me realize that I don't remember a single thing from it. I don't know if the issue is an interrupting and noisy environment, my inner problems, or whatever else.
Bringing this up to fellow otakus only gives the impression of a poseur. It ain't fun to only use your backlog as a response, people stop talking pretty fast... Though someone I thought I had trusted had quickly become a piece of shit for this, basing his hatred solely on my issue. Now being genuinely angry at issues that others have no control over is ridiculous, but lashing out telling someone to give up on a hobby kinda hurts.

Funny how attempts at escaping the real world only make me feel even shittier in the end.

>>29668
Ah I have a similar problem, either mental (brain fog) or physical issues (chronic tiredness) will prevent me from properly enjoying a show. I don't try to "fight" through it because I would consider that an injustice to the show (especially since in many cases I was able to enjoy several in a good state of mind but had to pause halfway through.)

It is indeed very frustrating to be unable to partake in the only thing that brings me joy, and to moreover know that it's somehow just beyond my reach: having only memories of the times I was able to engage with it, but not able to recreate that.

>>29669
I forgot to mention brain fog, thanks. It would've made my description a whole lot simpler.
Forcing yourself to watch a show can only make the experience worse, at least in my case. Binging is supposed to be pure enjoyment and ironically it's the bane of my existence. God knows how many stuff I have watched or read that don't even feel like I ever got into them.
>having only memories of the times I was able to engage with it, but not able to recreate that
I think that sums up the reasons why I'm trying in the first place. Focus and enjoyment can bless me from time to time, but the rest 99.9% of tries is the worst kind of goose chase imaginable.

I just wanna have fun, damn it...

>>29670
>>29669
Took me a minute of sheer bewilderment to realize I didn't write these posts. You guys sometimes are like a damn mirror of my misery.

>>29678
Not to sound discouraging, but knowing that some of us are in this together, makes me feel a little less bad about it.
I'm glad we can all empathize with our struggles, if nothing else...

>>29678
All roads lead to tohno-chan. Must be some certain personality type that naturally leads one here. Maybe in the past we'd be hermits or monks, maybe these days we post musings on imageboards instead.

For me it's chronic tiredness. If I had energy I'd become manic, so it's stopped being an option for me. I've become more and more depressive and I can only temporarily reset if I sleep like I used to months ago. Everything sucks more than usual...

>>29683
> I've become more and more depressive and I can only temporarily reset if I sleep like I used to months ago
Does this mean sleep well, or skipping sleep? Because there was some study that intermittently skipping sleep ends up temporarily resolving depression and giving you energy. (Of course only a short-term solution, it's like it transfers your mental energy from one day to the other, so you feel better that day but worse the following days).

Wrote a long rant that went nowhere about issues that have most likely been expressed before. In short, I don't like talking to people in my day to day life because it forces me to acknowledge how abnormal I am and then put on an act so people treat me decently. I already put in so much effort to try and compensate for this but it's never enough.
Maybe I ought to say "screw it" and stop trying or caring. Not like I can keep it up forever.

>>29710
Just don't panic please, panic is a terrible brain killer.

My cat seems to not be doing well. I took her to the vet, they suggested hospitalization. I asked to bring her back home and medicate her here. I'm on the brink of despair.

>>29734
I was pretty aggravated when my kitten died a while ago. My mistake getting attached though. I'll not ever have home pets anymore. Not of my own will.

>>29735
Mine is not a kitten anymore, in fact she is elderly. I don't know if I hope for her to get through this as painlessly as possible, or if I actually expect her to live regardless, but if she doesn't make it I also won't get another one. The pain is just too much to handle and the burden is too heavy for a loner type of person. Still I think it was good that I did it once, though my family was of three when she was born.

It's so painful when you need to kill yourself this very moment but you can't and this internal chainsaw just makes it a living fucking hell