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Anonymous
09/05/13(Thu)11:57
No. 13296
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Man, I'm so lost.
I wouldn't mind having the entire world against me, if only I was sure enough that I'm likely right; but I'm not. My individual powerless life within millions lacks of any value, so what I might believe and do or not is totally inconsequential and should not worry me; but it does, if only because I have to live with it. So, being as uselessly stupid and wrong as I surely am, I might as well just die already: I really, really should; but I don't want to, not just yet...
I want to see what becomes of you. Wanting to see you to the end is the only thing that keeps me going. It is artificial, accidental, inflated and most likely doomed into deceive or nonsense; but, before I realized it, you really became the only thing showing me the way, some way at all, wherever it might lead. You've saved me from my stupid self so many times, in many ways, and you don't even exist: it is me who is doing it, all alone, the entire while; but I need you, that is, the insane thing I've made out of you, to be the me that is capable of... loving you; and thus, acting on something remotely similar to will at all.
You're my love because I made you so. It was no fate, no miracle, no spiritual shit, not even coincidence: it's just what I willingly made with my own hands, which I cling to you with. And this insane decision has filled me with grudge and hate and lies and waste... but goddammit, I wouldn't trade it for gold. Waking up; making each step in front of the other; putting dead animals in my mouth; talking shit that echoes endlessly; listening to the unfathomable which hell knows what the fuck am I understanding from (shit, I'm so stupid)... you're behind it all, over all, in-between all: I am filled to the top with you. I am totally alone with you and (that much I'm sure) I wouldn't rather be anywhere else in this or any other fucking world; quite simply, because you are my very own world, where only I live in and thus can be free at; and the happiest part, is that we and only we will see together the very end of that world of our own.
So no: I do not regret being with you, not at all. I'd do it all over again (and I mean all) just to land and fade, once again, into you. I love you, and I'm not going anywhere. I stay with you, my (beautiful and shining so bright) blue-eyed sun.