I used to want to be able to have someone to talk to about these feelings. I have gone on long enough without that to mostly get used to it.

>>26313
I know that feeling all too well. I desperately wanted someone to talk to and couldn't find it. Giving up and accepting one's situation was the only available option.

>>26314
> and accepting one's situation was the only available option.
I think that's ultimately the better option. Talking about those feelings with someone who can at best only provide a token of sympathy doesn't really solve anything. And maybe I'm particularly cynical but it always seemed to me that people only "care" insofar as to make themselves feel better (they can pat themselves on the back for having done a "selfless" act).

>>26327
Back in the day they used to use Adachis to keep track of time.

I've been feeling really odd lately, I can't seem to make sense of my own state of mind.

Another year, another downward spiral. I don't have the energy for this anymore.

I got too reliant on cheating in academia and was caught plagiarizing. I got off with a warning I think but a "see your advisor for your grade email".
I'm sorry for failing all of you if I am expelled.

>>26390
Just try harder next time not to get caught. change more things around a bit more and try to make sure what you're using isn't easy to find.

>>26390
Plagiarizing is the dumbest form of cheating.

>>26392
Not dumb, just lazy. Everyone rips everyone else off in this world.

>>26393
Ripping of and using as a source of information are two completely different things.

>>26391

>and try to make sure what you're using isn't easy to find.

That's not really possible now, there are programs that Universities use that simply analyse the work and see if it has strings of words that match other papers or references.

>>26391
The trick is to aggregate multiple sources and rephrase it in your own words. Of course, that's just called "research." Throw in a citation and that's how you academia.

>>26398
Funny how academia works, I was in the past reprimanded for coming up with new theoretical postulations because I did not have any references.

>>26399
How can you be reprimanded for a new hypothesis? Why would you need references besides the as-taught understandings of the field?

>>26412
Because they said so.

>>26412
I don't know which field he was in but usually new ideas aren't born in a vacuum so you're expected to do due diligence to find related work then cite that. Unless it's a really obscure/niche topic that doesn't have much to go off of, I'd find it hard to believe that one couldn't find other papers that have tried to tackle a similar issue.

And this is especially important for theoretical things since in those cases more important than the result is its relation to other work. E.g. the new theorem you proved on size complexity lower-bounds for some wacky class of circuits may not be immediately useful, if you explain how it fits within the work of things other people did it helps people understand the context and helps people discover it, so that it may eventually end up being used as a lemma in someone else's paper.

>>26418
What if there is no related work? I thought the purpose of a hypothesis was to propose a hypothetical model and then attempt to disprove it. Did my highschool science teachers lie to me?

>>26419
>I thought the purpose of a hypothesis was to propose a hypothetical model and then attempt to disprove it.
No, a hypothesis is basically an educated guess based on something like passive-observation or deduction. Then you test the hypothesis in an as unbiased way as possible. You're not supposed to try reaching any specific conclusion.

>>26419
Unless you're inventing a new field there's almost always related work. Remember that related work doesn't necessarily mean "someone else who has worked on the same thing" it is more generally just talking about how your paper relates to other papers. If no one else has tackled the problem before, the related work section is your opportunity to stake your claim – you could say something like "while foo et al. posed this question as an open problem in the 1968 annals of underwater basket weaving, there has been little progress on it since then" and then discuss the context of why the problem was posed. Unfortunately people often don't publish papers on what failed to work, so you kind of have to read between the lines a little when searching for those things.

If it's a very short self-contained result (< 2 pager) or self-published thing then most people don't bother with the related work – but those are the exception rather than the rule. Conventions for related work might also vary across fields; I can only speak from what I'm familiar with CS IEEE-style conference/journal papers.

>>26425
Oh, that makes sense. I thought references in the context he posted meant "someone else already proposed this theory and I'm just parroting what he said".

Can't take it.

I've been unable to sleep properly for the past several months. I wake up from nightmares covered in sweat. The one thing I could look forward to each day is thus gone.

>>26480
Having similar problems. I started to listen to chill music and audiobooks and I manage to fall back to sleep eventually.

>>26481
For me it keeps repeating, such that even if I go back to sleep I end up waking up ~90min later. I go to sleep around 11pm, wake up around 4am, take an hour to go back to sleep, wake up around 6am, take an hour to go back to sleep, rinse and repeat until 12pm. My hunch is that the wake up cycles are somehow related to REM sleep (which alternates with non-rem in 90 minute cycles); the nightmares are related to a disruption in rem sleep, which then causes the sweating. Now the question is what the cause of the sleep disruption is. I wish I knew.

>>26482
Sleeping in bursts like that isn't actually bad. We're led to believe people should sleep in one continuous stretch by culture, but in actuality it's perfectly natural to do it in short cycles. Sleep and anxiety should be kept as far away from each other as possible. As long as you feel well-rested, there's no problem.

>>26483
Right I've heard that we're naturally inclined to sleep in two halves (i.e. sleeping for 4 hours, waking for 2, then sleeping again) [1]. What bothers me though is that in the second half I keep waking up every 90 minutes, usually covered in sweat – which most probably is not normal.

I feel normal-ish the morning, but considering that this has only started happening for the past month or so any long-term effects of the disrupted rem sleep might not have manifested yet.

[1] http://slumberwise.com/science/your-ancestors-didnt-sleep-like-you/

>>26484
For me this has been going on for almost 2 years. I fall asleep easily and sleep like for 3-4 hours nicely, then I keep waking up and fall back to sleep regularly. I don't like to check the clock but it might be 90ish minutes. Might be anxiety-related.
I only have the nightmares / covered in sweat when I'm dehydrated or I'm hot.

>>26488
Hm maybe the waking up cycles are indeed normal [1]
>number of awakenings hovers around six times per night. As the body cycles through various stages of sleep, including deep sleep and REM sleep, it dips from shallower to deeper states.
But I think most people get back to sleep quickly enough that they essentially don't remember being awake. So perhaps longer durations of awakenings are indeed anxiety related.
[1] https://www.sleepscore.com/awakenings-during-sleep-cycles/

Post edited on 17th Apr 2021, 11:05pm

>>26484
>>26488
I think part of this is the expectation that you won't be able to sleep properly. In my own experience, at least, the suggestion that "I'll probably get woken up and won't be able to sleep the whole night" reiterated in the back of my mind before going to sleep, only for that to bear out exactly as I foretold. It's unsatisfying to say so, but what helped me was just putting my mind at ease and trying not to think about the fact that my sleep had so often gotten interrupted, and as the thought that I wouldn't be able to sleep properly faded away, I was able to sleep properly again.

As far as nightmares go, I can't help you there... But, I do think you're right about REM sleep being interrupted. Whenever I wake up after napping or from interrupted sleep, I remember my dreams more vividly than from a full night's rest. I think it's probably to do with waking up mid-dream I think. So, whether in your case that's because the nightmares themselves woke you up or otherwise, I can't much say.

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, feeling not too well and with an only thought that feels like a crushing revelation; I'm not in my 20's anymore, I'm old, I'll be in my 40's soon, I don't know what happened with time. I'm still, basically, the same 15 yo that played videogames and watched anime all time but suddenly 20 years have passed, I have the age my father had when I was that teenager.
It's scary.

>>26491
>the same 15 yo that played videogames and watched anime all time but suddenly 20 years have passed
I feel the same way. Up until recently I've been constantly filled with dread, there is a feeling as if I'm running out of time and anxiety of an uncertain future. I'm slowly coming to terms with it in some way, I take solace in the fact that there is at least a certainty in death.

>>26491
It's interesting how obvious it is, and yet it takes so long to understand, the simple fact that if you do nothing then nothing happens. When I was a kid and teenager I had this impression that things in life just kinda progresses by itself and that the passage of time is strongly connected to progress. I think at least partially, this is an impression ingrained by the way school works. As time goes on, you go from first grade to second grade, then third grade and so forth. It gives this idea of progress. That you're going somewhere. Once you're an adult however things change. Life becomes routine and time flies by.

Then you realize time is precious and begin to wonder what should you do with the little time you have. But then, if you're unlucky, you don't know what you want to do. It can also happen you don't want to do anything. For those people time goes even faster.

>>26524
>things in life just kinda progresses by itself
For most normal people that's literally how it works though. EZ mode autopilot to unearned success.

>>26561
I think sophie would get along well with Mai (vlad love). Couldn't find any artwork with both of them though.

>>26529
Depends on how you define "success" but from a strictly monetary point of view I doubt that most people meet this. Nonetheless it's tautologically true that they meet the criteria of success defined as living a normal life, and moreover life does indeed progress seamlessly for them. But I don't think "normalness" by itself is both a necessary and sufficient condition for this seamless progression; a large part of it is that they just blindly go along with it, not thinking about things too much. Thus they don't ever really have the issue of wondering what to do with the "little" time they have.

I am so useless I even posted in the old thread by accident, how can I just keep messing stuff up

>>26569

I'm really tired. This idea of life as struggle doesn't hold any charm to me. I don't see the point. I just want to lay and end in peace.

>>26575
>This idea of life as struggle doesn't hold any charm to me
I find it ironic that the people who usually say this are usually the ones who don't feel it as much of a struggle in the first place.

人間失格

>>26575
To lie down and sleep forever. Sounds nice, doesn't it?

>>26581
Yeah. I don't think this enormous effort that requires life is particularly worth it, from a mere logical point of view. I spend most of my time working and preparing for work, while the little time that's left is resting to be ready for the next. I don't see the point anymore, I don't even think humans were supposed to live like that but I guess that thought makes me a lazy loser.

Posting a cap from my phone because setting up my laptop would be a pain at the moment.
I'm pretty much at wits end. Just got my rv back from the mechanic and after dumping more than $2000 into it, it's not running any better. I barely got the thing into a Walmart parking lot a mile away and the security here couldn't wait to give me a hard time.
I can't see how this peice of crap is going to get us the rest of the way across the country when it struggles to move in a flat parking lot. I can tell that the mechanic are just going to "fix" one thing after another while draining my finances without solving the problem.
I miss having a room, a weeb den to shield me from the ugly outside world. That's all gone now and I'm essentially homeless, stuck with huck of junk that won't take us back or take us forward. I've got no one to turn to or talk to about this. My mother is with me but she's about as helpful as a tumor. In spite of my best efforts to keep it together I think the stress is getting to be too much for me. If I could I'd sell the rv for whatever I can get, take what I got in a uhaul and go the rest of the way staying in motels like one anon here recommend. This thing is just going to break down in the middle of nowhere I can tell. Doesn't help when my dad does things like fly into the area just to show off his new plane. He couldn't care less about my situation.
I feel like I'm trapped in this region, not allowed to leave it, and any attempt to will be prevented if not punished. Suicide feels like my only way out of this nightmare of a life.

>>26587
It's kind of weird your dad cares enough about you to show off his plane to you, but not enough to help you out in any way.

>>26588
He doesn't do that because he thinks I want to see it, he does it because he assumes as much. It's just to feed his ego. He's a text book example of a narsastic sociopath.
He doesn't want me to leave and go too far, but only because I've proven some usefulness to him. He won't do anything to make me want to stay though. He basically sees me and everyone else like tools, who are only worth as much as the services we provide. In my case It was helping him with computer related issues and listing his cars and planes for sale. Asking him for anything can and will just make him unreasonably angry. The only way to get along with him is to kiss his ass. He's one of the things I want to get away from by leaving California.

>>26587
I relate to your feelings. As I see it everytime I end in a bad situation and I feel trapped I need to take a drastic decision that changes everything and stick to it. Remaining there takes an enormous mental toll, things can only degrade and each time it gets harder. If you're already feeling suicidal you've reached that point for sure. I'm the opposite of being impulsive, I'm mostly a coward that fears risk, but as I get older it becomes a survival matter.

>>26589
Do you actually have a destination in mind? Because if you do, I'd prioritize getting there as soon as possible. Here >>/ot/38327 you say you spent $2,250, here >>/ot/38343 you say you spent over $1k, and just now you said you spent over $2000. So is that like $5000+ just in repairs? In less than one month? And they don't even work? That's fucked. Abandoning it somewhere might not be that bad an option if you can't sell it. You'd at least save yourself from wasting even more money.

>>26587
Forgive me for asking, but why are you traveling across the country? If the goal is merely to get to the other side (har har?) then it seems like it _might_ be more economical to just fly (especially during current times where flight capcity is abundant). Or is it just aimless wandering hoping to settle somewhere anew?

>>26591
$2,250 was the price I was given by the first shop I went to. We turned them down and went elsewhere. Paid $1200 or so instead. But then that didn't solve the problem and paid another $900 today at the same (second) shop, which put me over $2000 with them.
We don't have an exact destination in mind. That's honestly part of the problem. We just figured we'd explore the state of Texas and try to find a town that seems nice and settle down there. Not being picky seemed like it would give us more options and make things easier. If nothing else my mom has a sister in Denton that we can maybe stay with for a bit and who might set us up with work. It's more that what my pops offers. And yeah, honesty I've considered the abandoning idea too. For all I know this really could take $5k to get fully operational. Selling it would take a while under normal circumstances, more so with mechanical issues. We wouldn't really have time for that. - and while typing this another guard showed up with his supervisor to chase us off.

>>26593
>We just figured we'd explore the state of Texas and try to find a town that seems nice and settle down there.
That's a little haphazard. There's plenty of research you could do about a town without having to see it in person. It's good to hear you might have more helpful family, so maybe get in touch with them? Anyway, I hope you get past this shitty situation.

>>26587
>>26593
What happened to your old place? Were you renting it before?

>>26595
We weren't renting it, we rented out a room in it to someone else that's all.
We decided to sell it and hit the road looking for someplace better after our town went to shit. If you Google Hemet California you'll see articles calling it one of the most missrable places in the state, and they're absolutely right.
Our idea was to take our time seeing the country and exploring different areas to try and find something we like along the way. You can't fully trust reistate agents, they'll mislead you about areas. We almost bought one house we found online but learned at the last minute that the area gets hit with huricans and nasty weather on a regular basis. I've also worked with people who traveled across the country and got stuck living in Hemet, only to find out how bad it was once they got there.
In retrospect this has proven to be retarded. It would have been better and cheaper to just fly out and rent a place for a while as we search.

>>26596
Sounds like a really unpleasant predicament, I hope you'll find a decent new place to settle down in soon.

This winter will be decisive.

I messed up so much.
But it's gonna be daijobu.

>>26606
Anime girls don't care about failures or mistakes. They are infinitely patient and eternally warm.

The only thing keeping me from taking my own life, are distractions which keep me from thinking about my life.

im very close to changing
i am getting into programming and its what ive looked for my whole life
with programming i can stop caring about the outside world and live in my own reality
it feels like walking through a door to another universe where theres only me and im free to make anything i can imagine and i can imagine anything i want. its a feeling so awesome, that im afraid of it.
ive tried using anime girls to that end but they just dont click my brain the way programming (and mathematics and computers) do
i used to try and fit in places like this but im stupid and weird and bad, no one likes me. with programming i can just write a lot of code alone and make a lot of money, i can spend the rest of my life living in my own headworld. i dont have to think of anything else again.
im making plans for the future. im thinking of getting a bs in applied mathematics and focus on learning various programming languages and a lot of maths in the first 4 years, things like neural networks machine learning algebra and so on. then a ms in cryptography and learn ciphers, cryptanalysis etc. then a phd in infosec and focus on the practical side of stuff and studying linux and networks in depth. i dont know im very confident. maybe ill make a cryptocurrency or something related to blockchain and i have a lot of ideas for ai. i really like cryptography and hacking. id rather read milcryp than taocp.
im just getting started though, ive wasted my whole life, my guardians wanted me to grow up to be a civil servant. i used to be called the best student in school and always loved maths but ive never considered programming or a career in stem thanks to my guardians. i dont know im very glad im finally free and i can choose what i do with my own life. im experiecing for the first time things practically everyone takes for granted like freedom etc. its very scary, you have no idea how much fear i feel.
ill always be alone from now on. i dont fit in anywhere im a weirdo, all i can do is study every day and try to be the best i can, this is my calling i think its what i like to do and makes me feel alive, it feels like a mission or purpose too, i think its what im good at.
i dont know it feels like im leaving humanity behind and i wanted to say goodbye.
it feels like im dying or destroying a very important piece of myself, like my soul if theres such a thing, im very hesitant about this but i think im going to do it so i wanted to talk about it. im just going to spend the rest of my life learning more about programming maths and computers every day and nothing else. its all theres in my head now. im turning into a machine. its very scary. i dont know what else to do, im not "normal" and never got enjoyment from things like videogames or talking to other people. and ive reached the point where i cant fake it anymore, i cant tell myself im normal or try to be normal any longer. i like imageboards because they give me a glimpse of normal life. and i never interacted with people outside of them except for greetings, nodding etc.
i wish i had started earlier, i think id be awesome by now, i can still be awesome but it will take longer and it will be very different from what could have been, i think by now its pointless and im hopeless but its what is right and what i like and what i want to do.
sorry im an eyesore, stupid schizophrenic loser retard subhuman, sorry for posting. i dont know im very scared.

>>26620
Congratulations, not many people are lucky enough to be able to have things fall in place and find their calling in life. I'd honestly even say that I'm somewhat envious. I've waited my whole life but never could find anything that would "fit", perpetually always stuck in the middle and unable to move forward or backwards. I desire to reject humanity completely but I do not have the means as you do. I can understand feeling scared and overwhelmed by what could potentially be a very big change and the enormous uncertainty ahead. I hope things would work out for you and that you will find your freedom and peace, good luck.

Only cute anime girls can distract me from this worthless life of mine.

I pity all the sad souls here that got dealt a bad hand and cannot get out of it.

Only advice I can offer is to devise a simple yet reliable plan to get out of it, put extraordinary effort towards that goal and be consistent in it.
A change will surely occur sooner or later.

Have a cute girl that assisted me at the times of hardship.

>>26623
Your advice is common knowledge. Knowing what they should do or should have done is the smallest, least significant part most people here's problem.

I hate being so anxious and uncertain and worrying about everything (no matter how minor). I wish I could be cradled by an anime girl and let all these worries go.

No matter how much effort and time I put into it, calc 3 continues to be impenetrable. The realization that one's intelligence is the limiting factor hurts more than I thought. Can't even do basic service right, too. Why bother?

>>26627
If you have any conceptual questions, post on /navi/ and perhaps one of us can help? I think it's far more likely that your prof half-asses explanations or doesn't provide the proper intuition than you not being capable. In fact I believe even eight graders are capable of understanding calculus on an intuitive level (and for most purposes, that's all you need unless you're planning on taking real-analysis).

Calc 3 is multivar calc right?

This is one area where teaching pedagology is horribly flawed – if your professor is not taking a linear-algebra approach to multivar calc, then you are being done a disservice and it's no wonder everything seems like unsubstantiated trickery. The multivarible chain rule in particular – if the explanation you're given is just some tree-diagram and some hand-wavy stuff about "accounting for all possibilities" then that explanation is point-blank incomplete (it's a handy mnemonic, but only a mnemonic). Now it's true that understanding the "real explanation" – that derivative is a linear map T such that for any function f and small enough v, you have f(p+v) ≈ f(p) + T(v) requires a bit more background in linear algebra to appreciate, but this definition genearlizes naturally to the multivariable case as well (where v now becomes a vector) and the chain rule simply becomes composition of linear maps aka matrix multiplication. This can generalize further to not just real-valued functions, but to maps between manifolds as well, and in this light the derivative can be thought of as a map between tangent spaces. The book by hubbard & hubbard "Vector calculus, linear algebra, and differential forms a unifying approach" is the only place I know that treats this right, but it might be a bit intimidating if you've never taken linear algebra before.

Similarly, the theorems about integrals of curl/div/grad are all unified under the framework of differential forms, as seen by Stoke's theorem. But if you just want to understand div/grad/curl intuitively I recommend the book "Div, grad curl and all that" which requires no prior background knowledge and motivates these things by examples from physics.

So I guess what I'm saying is that without the above background (which I doubt most students have considering people take calculus before linear algebra), multivariable calculus can seem like just a bag of tricks put together without any explanation. And the leap from single variable calculus to multiple variables can seem counterintuitive, especially when you're taught to just apply formulas without understanding things.

>>26625
>I hate being so anxious and uncertain and worrying about everything (no matter how minor).
I am the same and things are getting a lot worse as of late. The smallest setbacks makes me feel like I'm on the verge of breaking down, everything seems amplified.

>>26628
I don't have a professor as I'm learning it by myself with a textbook. I'll take a look at that book you're recommending, but I barely understood anything you wrote in the third paragraph. Frankly, the issue is one of problem-solving and "true thinking". Thanks regardless.

>>26631
I see, if you're learning by yourself then jumping into hubbard & hubbard's book is probably a bit too much right now. But the fact that you're learning by yourself with a textbook is strong evidence to me that the problem isn't with you, it's with the textbook. I've never seen a calculus textbook (other than hubbard & hubbard) which is good at giving you the intuition, so again if you think you're not understanding something at an intuitive level feel free to post on /navi/

There shouldn't really be much of an issue with problem solving in calculus though since the exercises in the book usually all follow the same pattern.

I'm an abject failure. I have no future. I just want a do-over.

unwanted.

I can't stop.