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No. 26620
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im very close to changing
i am getting into programming and its what ive looked for my whole life
with programming i can stop caring about the outside world and live in my own reality
it feels like walking through a door to another universe where theres only me and im free to make anything i can imagine and i can imagine anything i want. its a feeling so awesome, that im afraid of it.
ive tried using anime girls to that end but they just dont click my brain the way programming (and mathematics and computers) do
i used to try and fit in places like this but im stupid and weird and bad, no one likes me. with programming i can just write a lot of code alone and make a lot of money, i can spend the rest of my life living in my own headworld. i dont have to think of anything else again.
im making plans for the future. im thinking of getting a bs in applied mathematics and focus on learning various programming languages and a lot of maths in the first 4 years, things like neural networks machine learning algebra and so on. then a ms in cryptography and learn ciphers, cryptanalysis etc. then a phd in infosec and focus on the practical side of stuff and studying linux and networks in depth. i dont know im very confident. maybe ill make a cryptocurrency or something related to blockchain and i have a lot of ideas for ai. i really like cryptography and hacking. id rather read milcryp than taocp.
im just getting started though, ive wasted my whole life, my guardians wanted me to grow up to be a civil servant. i used to be called the best student in school and always loved maths but ive never considered programming or a career in stem thanks to my guardians. i dont know im very glad im finally free and i can choose what i do with my own life. im experiecing for the first time things practically everyone takes for granted like freedom etc. its very scary, you have no idea how much fear i feel.
ill always be alone from now on. i dont fit in anywhere im a weirdo, all i can do is study every day and try to be the best i can, this is my calling i think its what i like to do and makes me feel alive, it feels like a mission or purpose too, i think its what im good at.
i dont know it feels like im leaving humanity behind and i wanted to say goodbye.
it feels like im dying or destroying a very important piece of myself, like my soul if theres such a thing, im very hesitant about this but i think im going to do it so i wanted to talk about it. im just going to spend the rest of my life learning more about programming maths and computers every day and nothing else. its all theres in my head now. im turning into a machine. its very scary. i dont know what else to do, im not "normal" and never got enjoyment from things like videogames or talking to other people. and ive reached the point where i cant fake it anymore, i cant tell myself im normal or try to be normal any longer. i like imageboards because they give me a glimpse of normal life. and i never interacted with people outside of them except for greetings, nodding etc.
i wish i had started earlier, i think id be awesome by now, i can still be awesome but it will take longer and it will be very different from what could have been, i think by now its pointless and im hopeless but its what is right and what i like and what i want to do.
sorry im an eyesore, stupid schizophrenic loser retard subhuman, sorry for posting. i dont know im very scared.
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