>Last one is on bump limit.
Hmmm... it's not like it's going to get archived any time soon though.

>>23026
nice img

>>23026
Too sad, I can't take it.

I don't want to have to kill myself but each day I'm closer to having no other option.

How do I open up the main menu in this game? I want to start again with another character.

You know the rules, >>23122. One account per IP ONLY.

What am I still doing here?

>>23185
Wasting your life?

>>23186
Aren't we all?

>>23185
Suffering.

This morning I stood in front of a nice rail. The neon light was sparkling on the cold and still iron. I snuggled up in my scarf and let the train arrive. Passing the door I almost felt regret.

"To live is to suffer, to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering" --Friedrich Moustache

愛するものが死んだ時には、
自殺しなけあなりません。
 
愛するものが死んだ時には、
それより他に、方法がない。
 
けれどもそれでも、業が深くて、
なほもながらふことともなつたら、
 
奉仕の気持に、なることなんです。
奉仕の気持に、なることなんです。
 
愛するものは、死んだのですから、
たしかにそれは、死んだのですから。
 
もはやどうにも、ならぬのですから、
そのもののために、そのもののために、
 
奉仕の気持に、ならなけあならない。
奉仕の気持に、ならなけあならない。

When life is so burdensome, death has become for man a sought-after refuge.

Please kill me.

life is great

I really really wanna die. At least I have the knew Ke-Ta art book

>>23754
*New, sorry

<3

I'm so suicidal. Good thing I have Chocola's warm smile to make me feel so much better. Remember guys, your waifu's smile is always the best medicine.

Trying to survive this october.

I need to get better at dealing with small problems.

I don't think I can keep on like this for much longer.

fuck my life & me

just for a moment, but...

Fuck. I started self harming again, and the suicidal fantasies have came back. Time to bury myself in escapism.

>>23832
Take care anon.

I feel nauseated most days, like the world itself is pouring it's sickness into me.

what a shitty day

I should have posted here so many times over the last year…

>>23833
Thanks, I'm trying my best

i wish i was never born

I'm such a boring and useless person…

I'm so tired.

Being an adult is scary.

fuck Christmas

I just want out. Please.

>>23970
However, it was Tohru's motto to never give up. And like her mother said: you can do things slowly, in your own way. Just don't give up.

It’s crazy to me that I fully realize my suicidal moments will pass, and I’ll look back at it as silly, because it doesn’t stop the obsession with death in those moments.

>>23974
Looking back on those moments usually only makes me feel worse because it reminds me how long I've been feeling like this.

>>23974
For me not feeling suicidal are only moments.

The Holidays reminded me how little I mean to anyone.

Damn it's time to look for low lvl job ~ahahaha...

Enough.

Its all so tiresome,

(๑•́ω•̀)

I'm so sick of this.

>>24023
If you want to talk, go on IRC.

>>24024
stop being so obsessed with your social media networks

>>24025
Please recognize that not every medium of communication is fit for every purpose and that IRC lacks the primary quality of modern social media networks: size, in particular breadth.

fuck off mom

loneliness kills

i wish i had friends

>>24102
I'll be your friend.

>>24102
I can be your friend, if you want. My email is yuki@firemail.cc if you're interested.

Here is my email if you want, or others that have posted in this thread. merlin@firemail.cc

Post edited on 4th Mar 2019, 5:27pm

>>24102
Feel free to email me. We can be pen pals.

Im fine but i wish today didn't happened.

Does thinking about killing myself 20 years in the future to avoid dealing with Parkinson’s and detached retinas count?

Anon need more dopamine. Anon sad.

>>24165
That's just about how I think about it. I'm not depressed and have never thought about committing suicide, but I do think that in the far future doing so and dying early maybe preferable to continuing to live, given the correct circumstances. Just in a "is what it is" sort of way.

>>24166
I dont have a problem with parkinson or deteriorating vision, but I am really scared of Alzheimers. It seems horrible to loose your memory and abillity to think clear. If I would get diagnosed I would probably kill myself on the same day.

(No picture because something is going really wrong with my PC right now)

i cant think clearly anymore

>>23269 hey this is one of my all time favorite images

>>24169
One of my extended family members is beginning to experience memory loss and it is extremely depressing. Within 10 years all my extended family will be gone. The depression will become so crushing as everything I've known withers and fades. How on earth will i hold down a job at that point i don't know. I barely make it through the week as is. I can't even talk about my family members passing away without breaking down in tears. Life is a curse.

Haven't posted here in years. There are roadworks on my street, there is a jackhammer going non-stop. This piercing noise. I just want to be asleep but even that is too much to ask. Life is just a series of little pains and annoyances and for what? I don't even enjoy anything. I never consented to being here. Fuck, why the FUCK am I still alive?

>>24262
I hope you get some good sleep soon, Anon!

>>24263
Thanks. I have ear plugs and some pillows to put over my head, so that helps a bit. Hopefully the work will finish some time this week.

I wish people weren't so mean

>>24269
I second that.

>>24269
People are mean to you because you have something they don't have. Whether that be compassion, intelligence or what have you. You seem to be a very sensitive guy so I'm sure they envy that about you. They are the ones who are flawed, not you.

>>24271
You think too highly of people.

>>24271
I'm sorry anon but I don't think that's either true nor helpful. People largely bully to advance themselves and the truth is it works. For one it paints the bully as having achieved some sort of victory (even if it's over a literal retard humans don't care) but more importantly it helps beat you down and remove you from competition.

The only real way to fight against bullies is to be a big enough threat. Either by being capable of smearing them back with the ten second zingers that normies love so much or by just making yourself a big enough pain to deal with that they don't want to bother by being the counselor/hr department's pet. They'll end up hating you more that way, but they'll at least let you be. Of course it's not quite perfect since it'll make you end up all alone and probably in some dead end position but at least it gets the assholes off your back.

Unfortunately escalations to physical violence is pretty much out of the question unless they're bullying you physically. It's completely morally justified but in this backwards society we're reaching a point where defending yourself is even seen as wrong. Even then though you can pump your chest up and yell. When the quiet, somewhat depressive man who doesn't get very excited starts yelling everyone pays attention. They'll start making jokes about you being the next columbine, often saying they're nice to you because they want to be spared. Just let them know they're on the hitlist and if that lands you in the hot water of some zero tolerance policy drag all the people giving you shit about it right in the deepend with you. Get emotional and throw a fit. It's stupid and childish but that's just what works. Just look at the service industry. People who are kind and respectful get shafted and ignored but the ones who come in and feel entitled to special treatment don't just get what they want, they get free shit on top of it.

That said, if your bully is female you're pretty much fucked.

I hate being mean to people and acting like an asshole but it's the sort of thing that's really dog eat dog, even with people you think of as friends. There's exceptions of course, but they're pretty hard to find. Usually such people are fellow social rejects but they're often rejects in different ways which leads to you having nothing in common outside of "getting" eachother.

(polite sage for ranty, poorly written textwall)

>>24270
>>24271
>>24274
>>24275
this is a pics thread not a discussion thread

>>24275
> People who are kind and respectful get shafted and ignored but the ones who come in and feel entitled to special treatment don't just get what they want, they get free shit on top of it.
It's sad how true this is, and it's something that happens in many aspects of life. There's really no incentive in our culture to be a decent person.

>>24277
>people refuse to behave exactly the way i want them to, its a huge problem with this world. its so sad, i'm the victim and everyone owes me bigtime because of that.
get a load of the sense of entitlement on this one

(USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST)

>>24278
I would say that's a bit of a stretch, but that's a pretty damn huge stretch as you interpret it.

>>24279
Stop replying to it, that's what it wants.

>>24280
Those people who refuse to post pictures of cute anime girls in the cute anime girls picture thread, but still insist on being included in the thread, needed to be disciplined.

>>24262
Hello and welcome back. I wish you a nice stay here and I hope it will make you feel a little better.

I have nightingales outside of my window. They're very loud and they keep going all night every night. Drills and hammers by day, birds by night. The noise never stops.

Hey anon-kun, you don't want to become a mentally unstable person do you...? You should take your meds before you commit a crime... gosh, what am I saying, anon-kun? You'd never do that, would you?

The world is torture, misery, pain

I have bedbugs
This might be the final straw

>>24296
Nuke 'em anon

>>24296
Apologies for being offtopic, but are you from /toy/?

>>24298
No. I just have intense anxiety from having to leave my room to avoid being bitten.

>>24299
How do you think they suddenly appeared there...? And very sorry to hear that.... I hope I'll never see one for the rest of my life....

>>24296
Purchase a steam cleaning machine and use it on your bed. Hope this helps.

>>24301
>>24296
Steam cleaning might be a good first step, but depending on how bad the infestation is it may not be sufficient. If you can rent one of the industrial-strength room heaters that the professionals use that would work (they basically just heat the entire room to 130F to kill everything). Another thing I've read works well is cimexa (micro silica) to dry out their exoskeletons.

>>24300
He carried them in from outside or they wandered in if the building is infested. Anyone can get bed bugs. For example if you travel in an infested train or bus you can easily get some on your stuff without ever noticing.

>>24301
no anime girl & no hint of suicidal thoughts, are you sure you're in the right thread?

>>24304
He's just trying to help.

>>24305
no anime girl = not helping

There’s no meaning to it all.
Just RNG

I hope I get starved by hospital for 40 hours and die of dehydration.

My monitor is running warm and I can feel it when I sit too close.
I was browsing pictures and when this one came up the heat made me feel like she was really close for a second.
Even got a slight tingly sensation in my cheek, almost as if it was about to be gently scratched.
I'm so sad, god damn it. I want to die.

inch by inch
when will you take the hint?

I was moving my monitor and dropped it on a sharp corner. Messed it up real good right in the middle of the screen. Doesn't sound like a big deal, but man, I can't be bothered with this shit any more. The most minor inconveniences make me want to die.

>>24374
That's not a minor inconvenience.

>>24376
Well, it still works technically. Just has a big scratch in it now where all the pixels are white, I guess because the polarising filter was scratched off. I have an old monitor I got from a pawn shop for $5. Might cut out a bit of its filter and tape it over the scratched parts on the good monitor.

I hate this.

Pathetic confessions time. I know no one cares but I feel a desperate need to post anything in a hopeless attempt to connect.

I hate it when I have to stop masturbating for whatever reason. More than 3 days and I start having erotic dreams.
Usually I don't dream at all or only have nightmares, and to be honest I prefer the nightmares.
Should I even call them nightmares? Dreams which would probably give normal people night terrors are not particularly uncomfortable for me anymore.
These dreams are bizarre and can be stressful but somehow they lost the scariness. Maybe real life familiarity with all the feelings present in a standard nightmare is desensitizing.

It's the conventionally 'nice' dreams that truly terrify me. Especially the erotic dreams. I've been starved of human intimacy for so long it feels alien and frightening to me.

When I'm awake I can at least fantasize without panicking, being able to consciously suppress the awareness of how inhumanely unattractive and universally despised I am as a 30 year old virgin NEET.
Though I often daydream of love, companionship, emotional and physical contact and sex I have to bring myself into a certain state of suspension of disbelief to even be able to masturbate.
It's easy to lose focus and slip back into reality-aware logical thinking, resulting in instant limp dick and a slight feeling of getting punched in the guts.
To enjoy my rigged fantasies which are so very far removed from reality I need to maintain the mindset of isolation from all logic and knowledge, but when I sleep I lose that pathetic layer of illusory control and safety.

I'm mostly cool with nightmares because I've been living one for decades. It's just same old, same old.
On the other hand the erotic dreams upset me more than anything else. Sometimes it's so haunting I can't recover for days. Had one of these last night.
My erotic dreams are rarely sexual. It doesn't get to actual sex. However in these dreams I somehow find myself in positions where a male can, should, or is expected to initiate some form of intimate contact with a female.
Sometimes I attempt to awkwardly proceed. Most of the time I try to run like hell, confused and panicked like a fish taken out of water.
Either way the end results are the same: shame, humiliation a dreadful feeling of the entire world watching with disgust, disbelief, cruel amusement and morbid curiosity.

My dreams tend to be chaotic and vague so it leads to all sorts of bizarre situations, but these sequences of nonsensical scenes are connected by the same themes, the same feelings.
When I wake up I feel ill, physically weak and emotionally crushed, often unable to get out of bed.

But the night before I dreamed of being stalked and mauled by a tiger. I tried to fight back in vain for what felt like hours. I died in my old room, in a home my family moved out of 15 years ago. It was absurdly brutal. I felt nothing when I woke up.

The reality of human interaction and its inevitable consequences to me, a complete loser, are more terrifying than anything. To the point where I'm more comfortable with a prospect of explicit pain, stress, fear, direct danger.

"The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flame yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don‘t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling."

-David Foster Wallace

i feel like someone is screaming inside my chest!!

>>24403
Hasn't anyone told you not to play with strange alien eggs?

I am in total despair. My life is over. I have already made every good memory I'll ever make. Distractions don't work anymore, hopelessness is at the forefront of my mind at all times. The real gravity of my situation has finally dawned on me and I can no longer ignore it. I'm terrified and deeply mournful. I wish my life could have been more than this.

>>24392
Sounds terrible, it is interesting you wrote such a detailed post into the mental state of many young men. No affection is like a nuclear bomb to a mans development. I can related to the though of intimacy being such a remote and intimating thing thing. It has gotten to a point that physical contact would be bothersome to me. I am just so accustomed that being a virgin has become embedded into my personality.

I want to write a long post about how sad and angry I am but they all turn out to be too pathetic and incoherent so just know that I am really sad and angry and I hope someone snipe me with an artillery cannon.

Rather drunk right now and about to sleep.
With a little bit of luck, I won't wake up.

>>24392
i often dream of dying i either fall from a high place, crash with a car or have something falling from the sky and hitting me. everything just becomes white and i continue with a different dream without waking up. i have very vivid dreams and many of them i can also remember my dreams months back. but i agree, dreams of socializing or love are the worst. i somethimes spectate others in my dreams as in im not the main protagonist but others are, thats exactly how i was before i became a shut in. i just didnt have anything to say to people and i found it more amusing to just observe people instead of just saying stuff for no reason

You'd think surviving suicide and spending a month in a hospital would change my mind and make me want to live but no, That survival high wears off too eventually when you realize nothing is solved no matter how hard you try.

>>24412
That's awful. I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better. I'm sorry. No one deserves to suffer like this.

>>24405
>>24407
I don't know your circumstances but I understand the general feelings too well, for what it's worth.


>>24406
>>24411
Thank you for replying. Usually I don't get any replies so this means a lot to me.

>No affection is like a nuclear bomb to a mans development
Well, I don't know about normal people but it was to mine.
It takes me back to that period of life when adolescent men are supposed to be starting to connect with the outside world, finding validation, a sense of belonging and courage to carry on.
Back then my home was a tense and turbulent environment. It was a place of constant anxiety and fear, ready to blow up at any moment.
It was then that I needed an outside connection the most, the affection and validation of being desired for who you are.
I can only imagine how much young love means to people growing up. To be so fully accepted by another person for the first time, not out of some bleak obligation like family does - but because they truly want you. It must me incredible.
Unfortunately I faced isolation, emotional and physical violence both at home and at school. It killed me inside.
I mean it, the person I was born as really was obliterated into nothing. What remains is an aging shell.
I have no personality, there's just pain and deep feelings of longing impossible to ever fulfill or calm.

I feel the need to post these long, pathetic confessions. I have a strong, maybe irrational need to make someone, anyone know about me.
I want to go into detail and write and write, to somehow compensate for being a nameless ghost with no real connection to anyone.
Sometimes I need to confess like one confesses their sins, because I hate myself and what I am and sometimes it's too much to keep inside and deal with all of it alone.
But I don't know if I should do this. Are posts like this OK or are they seen as a nuisance?

>>24420
Anon, I don't have much to say other than that was a nice post to read and I hope you'll find that sort of affection soon. You seem like a nice person and I hope you'll be okay. And don't think for a second that those kind of posts are a nuisance, hell, they're the whole reason I come to this board.

Also nue a cute.

>>24420
I am not trying to invalidate your experiences but since you reply to me and I have nothing better to do, I'll blogpost my opinion. I don't feel bad about not receiving affection, at least not to the extent that it bothers me. It has always been a mild inconvenience, no more harmful than the temporary frustration from losing at video games. I used to be more concerned about not having affections but observing and interacting with people make me realize that no matter how much loneliness hurts, having to deal with another human being is drastically more abhorrent. People can't understand you. People can't give you satisfaction. People will seek conflict with you. People will pull you into pack animals social hierarchy thinking. It is probably different for another person but it is these ways for me. I spent my formative teenage years hating people and padding up my arrogance to the point that I find it disgusting to seek validation from another. To seek validation is a weakness. Man should do what they will. To compromise their own individual will to be accepted by other people is to be a slave.

I think that hatred for the real world is why I have no trouble getting my fix of love from fictional media. It's because I believe that such pure love is something that only exists in the ideal realm and can only be experienced through imaginative thinking. Expecting to feel this love from a real human is like expecting people can shoot energy beams in real life. It is silly to be sad about it. That being said I do still feel melancholic every time I look at anime pictures or wake up from a good dream but for some reason I found the melancholia pleasurable, even aesthetically pleasing, like a tragic hero's lament at a drama. I think I may have the same problem as you in that I long for a love that I don't have. The difference is that I don't even believe that it is possible to be obtained in real life so I am not bothered by the lack of it outside fiction.

I don't know how to help you. I am not intelligent or wise and my own shitty life means that nobody should take my advice seriously. But my philosophy in life is that life is an insufferable mass of suffering and we can't do much about it. You seem to worry a lot about the past and what ifs. There is nothing you can do about the injustice you've faced. The world isn't just or unjust, it is indifferent. You can only try with your ability, to make the best of what you have. Sorry for being so long winded and incoherent, sometimes I just need to vent.

Plaease just help me. Please.
I'm at my limit.

I have been feeling depressed lately because I kept telling myself I should have studied something related to physics. I bought a book about astronomy, and partly it made things better. Sometimes, like tonight, it's not enough.

I regret the choices I made in my life and I regret being the coward I am.

>>24423
The way I feel about things is different, but I can't disagree with you. After all I also have experienced the ugly side of human interaction in full, I'm not ignorant of its realities. It's largely responsible for making me what I am.
I've observed how people behave, individually and as groups, and noticed the vicious patterns.
There's a huge rift between what I should know based on my experiences, and how I feel, what I long for.
I was never able to reject the dream of better a world existing somewhere beyond my reach, even if it's just a mirage.
I couldn't find my own way like you have.
The more I was pushed away, the farther I ran away, the more I missed it.

I tried to kill the longing. I don't want to admit it, but I also have this hate and arrogance within me. Sometimes I feel it's fully justified, other times it horrifies me.
It's difficult. I feel like I earned my right to be this way by surviving the gauntlet. At the same time I recognize these are the exact traits of people who treated me badly.
It's like they taught it to me, and I don't want it. I don't want to be like them... And I try to be different but at some level I can never resist. Or worse, maybe I don't want to resist.
In a way the struggle with what's inside of me is similar to my relationship with the outside reality- I desperately don't want that ugliness but I know it's there. So I hate it and hate myself.
Personally I find it hard to live with this harsh aspect of humanity but I won't judge you for embracing it. I understand too well how it can from organically.
The other poster said I seemed like a nice person but I know I'm not. I want to appear as one and I secretly wanted to be called one. Maybe I want to be one, but I'm not.

For me there was no freedom in accepting that what I want does not exist. It made the emptiness I feel hurt even more.
I don't want to believe that what I already experienced is all there is to it. I don't want to accept that everything I had to endure was pointless.
Deep down I have a dreadful feeling that it really was pointless and worthless. As you said the world constantly demonstrates its indifference to me and my experiences. But I'm stubborn in not wanting to believe it.
I understand it would be right to call me a coward or a fool for trying to hide from truth. But the actions of people who lived in this ruthless harmony with the hard, cold realities often hurt me; directly and indirectly.
Having experienced what it's like to be on the receiving end of utilizing such philosophy, do I have the right to apply it myself? I'd like to avoid it. To avoid bringing more pain into the world.

Anyway, I think I do understand your point of view. I found your input valuable, so thank you for sharing your opinion. You don't have to apologize for expressing a different perspective.
As long as we don't hurt each other it's alright.


>>24431
Can I help you in any way? As you see I'm a horrible mess so I can't offer much to anyone. But if there is anything I could do to make you feel even a tiny bit better, please ask. If not me then maybe someone else will be able to.

>>24432
I wish I knew how to deal with pain like yours. It really does feel like an unstoppable, crushing force.
I hope your studies will bring you more and more fulfillment as you advance. Perhaps with deeper knowledge you will gain new strength to counter despair?
I know hope is a cruel thing, maybe even the most cruel of all. But still, maybe the courage that you deserve will come eventually?
Amateur astronomers have contributed so much to the field...
I also wanted to study astronomy once. I dreamed of building a reasonably large Dobsonian telescope.
It's impressive how dedicated hobbyists can build these precise instruments at home almost completely by hand, including the grinding of the mirrors.
As I researched the topic I became intimidated, especially by the difficulty of figuring large mirrors so I gave up. Like I always do.
But I know a project like this is definitely not unheard of, not impossible.


Please forgive me if you find this to be full of annoying and empty feel-good bullshit and platitudes.
I only wanted to rely a little warmth to those who seem to need it. I obviously don't know how to actually help, so I tried to give others what I myself secretly and shamefully crave every time I post. The feeling of being acknowledged and comforted by a kind reply.
I'm sorry if I was egoistical, sorry if anything I wrote made any of you feel worse. Please don't hate me.

>>24433
Rejecting or hating the real world doesn't necessarily mean going out of your way to cause suffering or destruction. It could also mean that you hate it to the point of not wanting it in your life, so you ignore it and it forms a defensive mechanism against bad feelings like loneliness. But there is no shame in feeling bad about turning into a hateful person, in fact many would find that praiseworthy. As for me, I believe that we can't really control how we feel. Maybe there is some people out there with such good emotional control they can resist anger and temptation when they will it or maybe being able to control your feelings is basic human ability and we're just defective. Anyway, I find resisting how the world made you turn out to be quite futile. The sum of my experience, genetics, and environment have got nothing on some vague idea of virtue I don't even really care about. In this case, I am probably the coward instead of you for dismissing the whole world as bad out of convenience and fear of failure. Well, everybody is different and what I said is just my own subjective value system that you don't have to follow. Don't feel too bad about yourself. You still have anime, various other interests and a loser circlejerk on the internet to help you cope.

>>24432
Fight for it.

I studied maths but failed misserably. The only thing I was slightly profficient at was logic and set theory, but I gave it all away pursuing another dream that I also failed massively at. Then, after being a hiki for 5 years, I went out again (had to, for $$), got my degree somehow and turned into philosophy of science, specially logic. That allowed me to relearn and get close to logic once again, somehow; although my economic future is still most uncertain...

By all means, get back on it somehow, in your own way. It's something worth pursuing.

Sometimes I am overwhelmed by the fact that life requires you to "do things" almost constantly every day until you die. I wish I could somehow sleep for a few months without starving or being evicted. A sort of induced coma as respite from life.

My closest family is so lame. So am I...

I get this tight feeling in my chest whenever I look at beautiful anime pictures. Why is this?

>>24446
I used to have this same problem. The reason for me was that around this time, ironic weebs were everywhere, and whenever I saw a cute anime girl or beautiful anime pic, I would get this feeling of dread; that anime girls were ruined for me and that I would never be able to enjoy anime again (I know that sounds silly but I was also extremely depressed around this time so I was sensitive to even minor inconveniences). However, now that this ironic weeb fad is starting to calm down, (or maybe I just stopped caring) I have started appreciating them again.
Is it possible that you are experiencing the same thing or is it just unexplainable?

>>24447
It is definitely something different since I never cared about other people. The first thing that comes to mind is that I am sad that something so beautiful can't exist in my world and how my own life with it's ugliness and suffering clashes with the perfection in the picture. That does sounds like an oversimplification and I was wondering if another person here has more knowledge on the matter. From what I read of your post though, it seems that people can feel sad for wildly different reason from anime pictures so my hope of finding someone with the exact same problem as me but with more understanding of his situation is dashed. I hate having these perfect beautiful things that I can only imagine through a picture but at the same time I am also glad that I can find a speck of beauty in the wasteland that is my life. But a speck is all it is and in the end it probably only serve to make all the painful times more despairing.

Another suicidal ideation, another cute anime picture.

>This gallery has been removed or is unavailable.

>You will be redirected to the front page momentarily.

Those are some dark times to be a otaku.

I wanna die so fucking bad...

>>24480
Dark times indeed. It seems like every week, there is some piece of bad news coming out about anime or japanese media in general.

I'm so sick of this

I thought about killing myself, and, realizing that the time I am in would probably the best to do so, I noticed that I was not opposed to the idea of dying and found it to be a rather freeing thought. Not upset, not sad, just relieved at the thought that I can end it all. I'm scared because I've never been this complacent about the idea of dying before. To simply not care at all, to feel that death, so far from something terrifying, important, or sad, is just something I could do to make life not hard anymore.

>>24529
Take care of yourself. I hope you haven't killed yourself yet because I would like to get at least a reply from you before you go. But if you already have I understand. Just know that at least one person out there cares about you.

Dying is such a hassle.

The urge to end it keeps getting stronger. The ideations increase in frequency and keep seeming more and more reasonable. I already know how I’ll do it: carbon monoxide tank hooked up to a mask coated with Shellac. Now I’m just counting down the days till I can’t take it anymore and the suffering overrides the guilt and fear.

>>24543
The more you think about anything, the stronger those thoughts get. You're training your brain to be suicidal.

>>24544
The only things that stop the thoughts are not healthy or productive so what then smart guy. I don’t wanna live in this sickening world. I can’t function I can’t get a job. I can see society declining into shit. Boy I can’t wait to live in third world conditions AND be unemployable AND mentally ill as fuck. Begging in the streets and then getting murdered by gang members sounds soooo much better than a peaceful exit.

>>24545
Why do you still care if what you do is healthy or productive? If you've given up on life, why would that concern you? Isn't spending time less miserably better even if it's "wasted"? Unless you haven't given up on life.

Post edited on 18th Aug 2019, 8:45pm

I'm just holding on to see you again next year.
Just one more time. The last one.

>>24543
Same here, for a while I never thought I'd have the courage to do it, but for no obvious reason I've suddenly begun working on closing this world and opening the next.

Maybe we all will meet again in gensokyo, eh?

>>24549
I love this image. Thank you for posting it.

>>24548
>>24549
Please don't.
Please, please don't.

>>24551
Why not?

>>24549
You don't go to Gensokyo when you die... It's not an afterlife.

>>24549
I hope one day we all meet again in gensokyo. When we do, please don't hate me for who I am.

I wonder how some of the people in this thread, the ones already preparing to die, would do if they were born in a world were society doesn't exist and everybody lives in jungle tribes. Were they born defective and would have died quickly, or would they be fine?

>>24560
Based on my childhood personality, I would have gotten in more and more trouble with my tribe until I either ended up killing people, getting killed, or getting kicked out. I've always been extremely deceitful, and when I wasn't lying to people above me I was pissing off other kids.

>>24560
Born defective in the most literal sense, without the ""heroic"" efforts of modern medicine I would have died several times over as a babe. Even without that I doubt I would have lived long in primitive society, I always was a useless fuckup.

Dead in the morning and born at night, so man goes on forever, unenduring as the foam on the water.
And this man that is born and dies, who knows whence he came and whither he goes? And who knows also why with so much labor he builds his house, who knows which will survive the other? The dew may fall and the flower remain, but only to wither in the morning sun, or the dew may stay on the withered flower, but it will not see another evening.

I won't be able to kill myself as long as I have all of you! Anons are a dying breed so I have to do my part in keeping this subculture alive!

My parents are making the decision to disallow me from accessing imageboards (and talking online in general) in an attempt to improve my mental health and I will not stand for it! I’ll at least sneak on TC.

"I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really. Get busy living or get busy dying."
I always took that quote as a recommendation of the latter, unlike how it was meant in the film. Lately I've been thinking it to myself often.

>>24591
How on Earth are they going to enforce that? Taking your computer away?
For what it's worth, I don't think depriving someone of their only human interaction is great for mental health.

>>24591
That's terrible news, anon.
Why? Does online communication really have negative effects on you?
Like, does it make you acutely sad or upset IRL or is it an arbitrary rule they made because they believe online-only socialization it's not normal and wrong?
My parents always tried to limit my access to the internet. Internet never actually affected my behaviour but they always viewed me as sick and addicted.
It would only make me feel worse because I couldn't form positive relationships IRL no matter how hard I tried, and taking away the internet meant I'd lose the only strand connecting me to the rest of the world.
It was almost like being in a prison. Spending most of the day in dull solitary confinement, and having to survive in an inherently unfriendly environment outside of my 'cell'.
In the end I got nothing positive out of it. They thought I'd be set straight when forced to sink or swim, but not for lack of trying I sank. Or rather, was sunk.
It only made me more cynical and wary of the real world.

>>24593
My dad works in IT so something something IP blocking or perhaps parental control software if any exists on GNU/Linux.
>>24594
A little bit of both, a lot of the times I feel distressed by stuff people post and often feel drained after browsing too long. Places like this kinda help though. I don’t know.
I’m very sorry to hear about your own bad experiences with that.

>>24595
My parents would do this to if they didn't know that I would just get around it. I have disks with password cracks, and I know all the passwords in the house. I can log in to any account I want just by booting up a password decryption disk. They've never been allowed to know that I use imageboards though.

>>24595
You could use an encryption tool to make a hidden os within your drive. On start-up, a password will be asked for. You can tell your dad one of them. When you use it, you put in another password to access the other os. He'd have no way of knowing.
https://www.veracrypt.fr/en/Hidden%20Operating%20System.html

>>24595
>>24597
An easier solution is to use a Linux Live USB distro like Puppy Linux or Slax. Plug it in, boot into it and use it as normal. As an added bonus, it leaves no footprint on the computer for "dad" to mess with.

My NTR/sadomasochism addiction has driven me to this emptiness and internal pain that I don't know what to do with. I was supposed to be very productive and have fun tonight but all I did was read NTR doujins (which made me lose my erection) and then contemplate it for hours just sitting on my bed. I am seriously thinking this could be it for me as my one comfort in life has been ruined because it is permanently associated with ntr and sadomasochism and bad feelings. My sexual outlook is garbage too and I can't get hard to nearly anything but the most insane shit.
Don't do hard porn.

I don't want to work.

>>24599
I can't say much other than try not to masturbate for a while and merely enjoy cute girls in ecchi situations. Your mileage might vary.

please god I’m begging you strike me with lightning

maybe I should drive into a tornado

I’m >>24599 .
Why am I so obsessed with NTR? I don’t even enjoy it yet I always find myself drawn to it. I hate it and feel like shit afterwards but I can’t stop reading it.

>>24599
I can't even get up to anything other than NTR and humiliation. I don't binge as much as I did before but even when I don't masturbate for days I still can't fap to anything but NTR. Actually, reading vanilla porn actually feels sickening to me. The same way you would feel if you see a happy couple when you go out. Shit, I don't even realize how much I've come to hate vanilla over the years. This is some of the most saccharine and inane shit.

>>24658
>Actually, reading vanilla porn actually feels sickening to me. The same way you would feel if you see a happy couple when you go out.
It actually took me a long time to realize that I hate it when I see people who are happy in public, and I hate them for being happy. Just pure and childish jealousy.

>>24658
>The same way you would feel if you see a happy couple when you go out.
Except I don't feel that way at all. I know the probabiliy that i'd want to be in any kind of relationship with either people in that relationship is very low, so why would I be jealous of what makes other people happy? It's like if I got jealous over how many facebook friends someone had, or their sports car, or their macbook air. The average man's treasure is the exceptional man's trash. NTR reminds of some of human's worst aspects. nearly all of the "happy couples" you see wont be getting buried next to each other, while "vanilla" porn shows an ideal that's better than reality.

NTR is disgusting.

>>24658
I think it's the same for me, although it's not so much jealousy as just a general feeling of disgust for intimacy. It's the same feeling I get from looking at gore, a raw and sickening sensitivity that crawls up my spine and into my brain until I can't stand it anymore and close the tab. At least NTR doesn't make me feel anything, besides a mild disdain. Is there a reason for this? A reason why I still can't watch someone kissing without wanting to throw up?

>>24658
>Shit, I don't even realize how much I've come to hate vanilla over the years. This is some of the most saccharine and inane shit.
I feel the exact opposite, 2D should be pure and not compared to 3D. Also, most people refer to vanilla when they mean pure love but I really think there’s a difference between vanilla the fetishes and vanilla fetishes. You don’t have to be into vanilla to dislike NTR.
Also, you’re not posting cute girls.

>>24662
Were you molested or something?

>>24664
Tactful post right here.

>>24664
No, I just hate lovey dovey shit. Any form of romance really, just pisses me off. Oh, and I also get the same exact feeling from femdom. Maybe I just hate gentle sex/relationships? If there's no challenge and nothing bad is happening, I don't like it.

>>24666
Oh, so you were neglected while growing up. I see.

>>24666
Do you hate wholesome SoL too? The whole point of 2D is to have stuff that couldn’t happen in our world happen, and lovey dovey monogamous relationship are an example of that. I understand Brohnos are bitter but needing something bad to be happening in sexual situations is honestly strange to me. Also femdom isn’t gentle or lovey dovey unless it’s a specific type, most are pretty hardcore
>>24667
Don’t make huge assumptions like this.

>>24668
Humans are genetically designed to pursue affection. To perceive any kind of affection with disgust is something that only happens because of traumatic experiences. If this anon didn't go through any, the chances that they're some rare kind of mutant are far lower than them being bitter and feeling unlovable without being honest about it to themselves and others.

I'm the opposite here.

>>24667
I was neglected, and lovey dovey stuff is my #1 favorite thing of all time...
I'm incredibly perverted and my fetishes are countless, but when doing the deeds 9 out of 10 times I imagine everything with a strong layer of tenderness and passion.

>>24668
I'm pretty crazy for affectionate femdom.

I don't think (or I don't want to believe) that wholesome relationships are impossible IRL.

>>24669
But yes, I do feel absolutely unlovable which makes it so very hard for me to fantasize and self-insert. Often I just have to stop because I feel so bad. When I try to build these scenarios in my head I can't shake the awareness of how ridiculously impossible it all is.
It also makes me feel ashamed, dishonest and false. The unpleasant thoughts that bring me back to reality won't stop.

I'm afraid of posting about this, even here. These days when browsing the Internet I see so many opinions of people who believe an undesirable like me shouldn't even have the right to desire such love. It adds another huge level of insecurity.

(It would seem that making a post which contains the slur that's often used to label the likes of me results in autoban. I didn't know about this and there's nothing about it in the rules.)

>>24670
>It would seem that making a post which contains the slur that's often used to label the likes of me results in autoban. I didn't know about this and there's nothing about it in the rules
I believe this is due to an incident on /an/, where it was used as an insult and caused a bit of a stir, so perhaps this was nipped in the bud but not made an issue of so that there wasn't a controversy like on wiz.

I've always tried to do everything I can. Its like in videogames where you dont want to only stick to one skill, you want to be able to do everything. I did that in my life and tried everything I ever came across, thinking it would be really cool to be somebody who can do everything

now i realize that I can only do everything to a mediocre degree and it looks fucking pathetic to everybody and i was the only one who didnt realize it

>>24670
Sorry about that, we've got a number of phrases blocked but usually I try to avoid adding phrases that might be commonly used or accidentally tripped, but it can't be helped sometimes. Like >>24671 said in this particular case it was to keep the peace.

I'm so lost.

This thread was ruined by porn talk, gross.

Let's fix it by implicit suicide talk then.

Journal entry. Today is my 28th birthday. Spent the day watching Initial D. In a way, the anime is about young people having fun, making the best of their youth and chasing their dreams. Had the feels and ended up laying down and thinking about life. I come from a dysfunctional family. As a child I was frustrated and depressed a lot. Ended up dropping out middle school. Had trouble with police and foster homes until I was 16 they were legally obligated to leave me alone. By that time I was so different from kids my age I didn't want to see or socialize with them. So I went full hikki. And then the years just go by.
Later today my sister dropped by with a birthday cake. Bless her heart. She told me to make a wish. The first thing that came to mind was I wanted to die in peace. The cake tasted bad but I told her it was okay. Also fapped to waifu like I do every birthday.

My acquaintance killed himself today, or last night rather. His body was found today and people were informed. Everybody is faking tears and pretending to be hurt, it’s sickening. I know if he was still alive he would be getting shit on like he usually does, granted a lot of that is his own fault since he’s an asshole and abrasive. People say it always comes out of nowhere but the signs were all there leading up to it. I was the closest thing he had to a friend so I knew he had issues, I didn’t think it was to the point where he’d want to kill himself though. More than anything I’m mad at him right now, because he texted me some stuff last night and I asked him if he was ok last night and he said he was better than ever. Asshole, why didn’t you just talk to me

There is nothing more to life other than distracting yourself until inevitable death.
Being alive makes absolutely no sense to me.

>>24706
Just remember that you couldn't have done more for him than you already did.

>>24706
>I’m mad at him right now, because he texted me some stuff last night and I asked him if he was ok last night and he said he was better than ever.

That's fairly common, once somebody decides that they are going to kill themselves they often feel much better, like a weight has been lifted or they have solved a difficult issue and that can trick the people around them.

>>24711
That's what everyone always tells each other to bury guilt.

I can't stand this anymore please just kill me

>>24706
I wish I had a good answer to that.

I've also tried to be there for certain people when they show clear signs of suicide. They just didn't care. It's like my being there and caring was worthless for them. They didn't die though. They were just playing. I'm not. And I'm sick of being disregarded systematically when I do care.

In all honesty, I don't blame them for not caring though. I am worthless, it's a fact, I know it.

>>24693
I'm glad you do cherish that gesture of your sister.
Happy late birthday, brother.

"'samui ne' to hanashi kakereba 'samui ne' to kotaeru hito no iru atatakasa"

I am so tired. I tried to leave my comfort zone and improve myself, I really did, but everything just reminds me of how incorrigibly incompetent I am. I won't survive the real world. I'll have to accept my fate.

>>24733
>everything just reminds me of how incorrigibly incompetent I am

I know that feel and I've been trying to solve it for some time. I think the key is achieving some particular mindset were you don't care anymore. Also avoid to do anything that makes you frustrated, problem is when you're truly disfunctional that includes too many things.
All that stuff about improving and turning into something you aren't can be extremely frustrating and counterproductive for some people. When I read about other people's problems I always try to remember any help or advice isn't mean for me but for the average person, when you're a minority inside a minority you need to solve your own shit by yourself, because there's no "science" made over something so marginal. So forget about what all authority figures have told you, it's not going to work with you.

>>24736
I have had an idea that usual self-improvement advice won't apply to outliers like me but there is a reason why even normal people seek self-improvement platitudes, it's difficult to know yourself. I know what won't work for me but I have no idea what will. Most of the time the problem isn't even that I am not improving, but that I am improving at far too slow a rate to reach a state where I can function in society. Your CV gap is growing day by day, learning something at an institution test you for exams, training period at a job will only let your faults be tolerated if you are improving at an acceptable rate and you're growing older and less desirable everyday. If your goal is to integrate properly into society, you simply has to relatively competitive. I don't even hate working or studying. I am just incompetent and can't handle pressure or criticism. I am also mentally unstable so I can't work consistently. Good luck explaining that to your boss though.

>I think the key is achieving some particular mindset were you don't care anymore
I think I'll try this, partly because I have reached this cycle's burn out period anyway.

>>24737
I think I was into your same situation.
I didn't have a job for years (actually, I never had a proper job to start with), my CV was shit, I was getting old (30's) and even lowering my demands to zero wasn't enough. I even worked for free, but it was useless. I also live in a country were 15% of unemployment rate is considered quite good, so the whole thing was pretty bad.
I reached a point were I took all my savings and went to live alone with the idea to end myself in peace in a matter of months.

Today I can say I've been working for two years, I have some savings so I could even live some years without having to work and I'm enjoying life at some degree. I would like to tell you it was all thanks to some enlightment or to my best efforts and perseverance but that would be bullshit. I got lucky and some chance happened, that's all. I'm the same guy than years ago, I haven't changed the slightest. I haven't improved and I'm still incompetent, slow and socially retarded.
The point is, I could be dead by now after I killed myself with carbon dioxide and the only thing that changed that was simple luck.
So there's no point to worry. Whatever happens don't torture yourself, don't let guilt destroy you because I did that and it sucked.

How can I cope with being a horrible person? I want to end it all to escape my own faults.

>>24750
First try to define in as concrete terms as possible what makes you a bad person. Try to discern which of these can be seen as genuine traits of you as a person (e.g. 'I like to kick little animals for fun', 'I empty my piss bottles into my neighbour's orchids to antagonize him') and which can be more or less attributed to general human nature that everyone has to some degree (e.g. 'I am selfish', 'I am a pushover because I am afraid of conflict'). Then accept that this is how you are and either choose to live with it or commit to changing your ways by trying to become aware of when you are going to do a bad thing and decide to not do that thing this time (it probably happens on impulse or out of routine which makes you feel powerless over your own actions, thus leading you to the judgment that you are a bad person, and not that you are a person who does bad stuff). In that case prioritize the former traits over the latter. For those you might want to figure out situations you are regularly put in where acting according to that trait makes you unhappy and commit to the decision to not adhere to it the next time. That will take courage but you can do it, maybe.

>>24751
Everytime I try to forgive myself, it just feels like I'm trying to get out of it. Like I'm a bad person trying to justify my wrongdoings. I did bad things to people, I didn't feel bad when I did them, and now I just feel like pretending I was good, or it's okay because I'm trying to be good now, is a cope for the fact that I'm just a bad person.

>>24752
I didn't say anything about forgiving yourself. Forgiveness is for the wronged party to worry about. What I mentioned was acceptance, and that is just that. To accept that these are things I have done in the past and that I cannot do anything about now that they have been done and that those are traits I have in the presebt. It means affirming them as fact, as part of reality. In fact 'forgiving oneself’ is truly complacency with ones faults. Thinking that 'I am a bad person therefore I cannot help but do bad things' however is the exact same thing without even making the hollow promise of trying to do better. And that's what I would call a cope, because you choose to disregard that you have the choice to decide how you act in the future and what attitudes you take and instead choose to excuse yourself from trying and wallow in comfortable self-pity over the static and therefore safe past. But the past does not matter one bit and trauma is an excuse not to muster up the courage to behave the way you want to behave.

In fact I would say this excessive focus on your wrongdoings in the past is delusional at worst and emotional blackmail at best; If I only feel bad enough about these things I will be forgiven and it will be as if they did not happen. You have not accepted them yet as things you did in the past, and as things in the past they have no claim on your future.

>>24753
>>24754
I do try to be a good person now, and I would never do those things now, partially out of fear of punishment. But they happened and I'm not the kind of person who accepts bad things. I hold grudges for decades, and as for myself I cannot let go of hate, even after decades pass. It is unchangeable, and inevitable, yet it still scares me. And I have never been able to accept them, not even forgiveness but simple overcoming was impossible. I still hate the me of those days, and the me of those days constantly lingers in my thoughts, telling me that I will go to hell.

>>24751
>>24753
Assumptions galore. We don't even know what he did.

>>24756
Generalisations, not assumptions. The assumption was that as someone complaining about 'being a horrible person' in a 'post a cute anime girl if u feel sad' thread on this kind of website he likely did not do anything substantially bad, that is something that for example would invoke legal action against him. Thus he is likely one of the many morose people dwelling on relative trivialities due to an unhealthy mindset and a lack of more recent experiences to engage them.
But maybe he did kill someone's mother and raped their dog. Even then regarding effective courses of action his options amount to accepting it and moving on or killing himself in atonement.

>>24759
It's not something as silly as just being a NEET or lazy. I don't care about that. Without going into detail, I hurt someone else when I was younger and I can't get over it.

>>24761
Were you a bully?