It's the worst. Trying to talk to someone about something you deeply care about, whether it's casual interests or hard personal issues. Realizing they can't wait for you to shut up, realizing that they themselves don't shut you up only out of embarrassment and forced politeness. It's the worst. Futilely trying to make someone else care. They never do. I hate these memories. I hate myself. I hate everyone.

I remembered something that happened to me sometime halfway through the primary school. One of many similar incidents.
It was a typical gloomy day in the decomposing eastern bloc. It was wet and cool, snow was almost gone. The awful weather somewhere between winter and spring.
Outside of the schoolyard's fence there was a short, shallow ditch running along a rarely used road. It drained water from a little ground seep. Kids used to play there after their classes were over.
I had no friends, but I wanted to. I never wanted to be alone.
That day after school a group of kids stayed to play at the stream, and I tagged along. I should have went straight home.
The water was full of hair-like algae, bright green. We would gather long streams of these things with sticks, wave them around like whips and chase each other.
We threw the wet algae against the road's asphalt. They made funny slapping sounds and could be arranged in patterns. On warm days they would dry up and harden into a stiff grey mass.
That day was particularly muddy. I picked up a big clump of the green stuff, and decided to throw it straight up in the air, as high as I could. I thought it would be funny. Mud sprayed as I swung my stick to launch the alga rocket.
Some of the the dirt landed on another kid, leaving a stain no bigger than 5mm on the sleeve of his green-blue winter jacket.
It got him very angry immediately.
I was confused. I thought I everyone was having fun, I got somewhat dirty myself. I didn't mind.
He got in my face and told me to lick the sleeve clean. I didn't understand what was happening and why. I said no.
He slapped me and ordered me to lick it, again. I refused, already crying. He slapped me, pushed me against the school's rusty fence.
I couldn't think of anything I could do to get out of that situation so I threw the muddy stick I was holding at him and called him some names, just to spite him.
He held me against the fence, hitting me in the face repeatedly.
It felt like it took a long time but it must have been seconds. He couldn't have hit me more than 2 or 3 times.
I tried to swing my arms pathetically trying to punch back but it was useless. I was useless, and the feeling only made me cry harder.
Then he dragged me to the road, threw me against the asphalt and kept beating me and grinding my head against the rough tarmac.
Others just watched, no one said a word.
When he was done with me I ran home stumbling and crying, covered in snot, spit, caked mud and blood.
I was always weak so it wasn't really a run, more like a pathetic trot, no faster than walking. In my nightmares when I try to run I always do the same retarded trot.
Behind me I heard the fun times resume, like nothing happened. Others were laughing, running around, doing their thing. No one cared.
When I returned home my mother got scared for a second, then angry, both at the other kid and at me. My father didn't care, as usual.
They didn't say it to my face but they were ashamed and disappointed I was such a loser who couldn't resolve any issues by himself.
Mother called school about the issue. The next day me and that other kid were brought before the principal, scolded, made to promise we wouldn't cause trouble again and shake hands.
I felt hurt and wronged. I didn't think I did anything to deserve what happened, yet we were punished the same. Additionally the silent conclusion was that I was a problematic element who provoked others into abusive behaviour and violence.
My mother also told me I shouldn't hold it against the other kid because I always had it easy and he was from a "hard home." I did what she said, and felt even worse about myself.
To this day when I remember the event I wonder if the whole situation got that Arnie in trouble, if his father beat him for it or something.

This is how things were my entire life. I was told to be open and understanding of others and their struggles. I did my best to, but no one ever did the same for me. I couldn't ever make anyone help me unless I forced them to. I can't stand it. I was told to care while no one else did.
When I ended up in situations requiring arbitration of others, theories were constructed after the fact to explain why I deserved what I got, why I deserve to be a reject.
I suffer. 30 years, I suffer without a pause. Alone. Banging head against a wall. Normals can't imagine what it does to a human heart.

>>25324
If it has any worth for you, I read it all.
I have even more awkward but similar experiences that have hurt me forever.
Still, all those years are over so as an adult you have it easier to not having to deal with certain shitty situations. Childhood can be the most awful time for someone's life. Problem is when it happens and you return to that hell like if you're still there. Or the nightmares.

>>25324
I've had similar experiences before when I was a kid, I eventually stopped trying to play with anyone. I was just very disliked for some reason and they would always find a way to turn me into the bad guy despite not doing anything to anyone or taking something very small that would have otherwise been overlooked by anyone else and blowing it out of proportion and ganging up on me. I would often have no idea what was going on and just go home quietly defeated by a whirlwind of implications about what they decided I was like or did but only got beat up once back then. I'm thinking back right to them and I'm still confused.

Having been a hiki for most of my life much of the random shit I remember is stupid arguments I've gotten into and meaningless posts I've made on random forums. I hate it honestly. I feel filthy and debased to think how much of my life is defined by my trivial and stupid interactions with other people over the net. I usually end up chanting a mantra of "Shut up shut up shut up" till the memory goes away. Only very rarely do I have a even slightly good memory since the only time I was really happy was when I was six years old or younger.

The last decent memory I can recall welled up when I was going to sleep one night. It was a birthday trip to a chain restaurant that gave out balloons and crayons to kids. I remember getting out of the car into the parking lot and walking excitedly up to the door, but having it too big for me. So I had to wait for my parents to come and open it. I darted inside, and the smells of food, and the sound of music, and the squeak of balloons delighted me. I remember the flashes of color and the smell of the latex balloons that I was given, the way I tied crayons to the bottom till they just floated, without floating away. I got to order the things I wanted, even going so far as to have desert first. Most of my family was still alive then, so they were all there. They all sang with the waiter when he came with the desert (a chocolate cake thing with fried dough and icecream on the side). Eventually the dinner was over, and I was ready to go home, so I went to the door and waited for my uncle and father to stop talking. When I went out to the car I felt a cold damp wind off rolling in off the sea. Then I let my balloon float off into the sky. I think I fell asleep in the back seat on the way home. I don't really remember it perfectly, only in snips and flashes but... Well.

I don't want to dwell on even good memories. I don't see that child as me at all. It's like someone else's memory that's been put in my head somehow. It makes me feel all twisted up inside.

>>25324
>It's the worst. Trying to talk to someone about something you deeply care about, whether it's casual interests or hard personal issues. Realizing they can't wait for you to shut up, realizing that they themselves don't shut you up only out of embarrassment and forced politeness. It's the worst. Futilely trying to make someone else care
I know that exact feeling. I sometimes still do it today, like its involuntary, and I can visibly see the disinterest in someone but I still babble on for some unknown reason. I've even sometimes just stopped mid-sentence before when it happens and the other person doesn't pull me up on why I stopped because they probably aren't listening whatsoever. It's that innate part of me (and all humans) that wants/needs to socialise, so it forces me through such humiliating experiences. I wish I could kill it but I don't have the luxury of being able to be a NEET or hikki.

>>25328
We're always told that we just have to look for like-minded people. For some group of identical individuals who we'd fit right into. That's very easy for some, others are good enough at changing themself to fit into some group, and then there's people for which no group exists, and they are unwilling and or unable to put on a permanent facade.

Back when I was in grade school, when making one or two aquaintances was almost natural, I've tried getting other people interested in the same things as me. If nobody cares about what you do, maybe you can get them interested, I thought. First I'd get intently interested in whatever they are, so they'd be more receptive. Talk about what they want all the time. It never worked. I got one guy I knew to watch Akira and Ghost in the Shell, and he drew comics as a hobby, but after giving it a chance, he flat out told me that he just doesn't like the "anime style". Most other people wouldn't watch anything you suggest, ever.

>>25329
Most people doesn't have "interests", not in the same way we understand it. In high school I actually got some people into anime and other stuff, it's amazing how being such a loser I could be influential at any degree.
But it's always temporary, people grow up and focus on "important" things. Just think about the expression "killing time", for most people the more important movie or book or anything is just that and getting emotionally involved will be kinda dumb for them.

>>25327
Your prose in the second paragraph is very good; I was briefly immersed in your words.

>>25331
They do but anime is different. For most people it's just a phase.

>>25329
I've had people come and go through my life from high school and below and I personally was only able to get some friends I had what seems like a lifetime ago now into some PS2 games I enjoyed when it was a big system. Sometimes we would play older PC shooters together. Anime all around where I lived was always looked down on and I often didn't see too many people into it at all. Especially not the SOL moe fests I was always into and still am today which is even more unpopular but it's not all I watch by any means either. I was just initially drawn to anime from that. Whenever they thought about it the only things that came to mind usually were Dragon Ball Z, Sailor Moon, or hentai which was weird at the time because in the early 2000's at most it was hard to get anything without directly looking for it a little more hidden from mainstream view like hentai (I'm talking like 2006 and below). I actually did come across one person recently I see often that is openly into anime but our tastes are radically different so it's not that noteworthy to me.

I have a nice memory in my head between all the bad thoughts.
It was winter and it was snowing. I went to the store to buy cookies and listened to lolicore. Blissful. Fin.

Another middle school story. During that time I ate lunch in empty conference rooms. Nobody noticed or cared. One day I came in and the long table was convered in paper bags filled with pbj sandwiches. On them was a picture and something like "food for African children". Some slogan. Then something else caught my attention. In the garbage bin, there was a box of pizza with the entire thing left in it, except the cheese. The massive contrast between these two images in the same place left an impression me.

Post edited on 6th Mar 2020, 9:47pm

In the second grade in elementary school, we talked about big numbers, the teacher started by 1000 and every pupil had to add up 1000 to the number before him. I was at 10000, so I decided to say: "IT'S OVER 9000!!!". Nobody understood the reference.

>>25399
Actually pretty cute

>>25400
It was even more confusing for the others because English isn't the main language here.

One year, we were playing bingo in health class with prizes. The first 5 people to get a row got a little bag full of candy, and the first person to fill out their entire board got a mystery prize. The game ended and everybody who didn't win either got some candy bar. I got the grand prize, a large bag with something inside of it. I was a little happy about it. I got home and opened it up. The only thing inside were some pretzels, a few stickers, and a pencil.

A few years ago I started going to the gym a lot, monitoring my diet and doing my best to get into shape. I was really tired of being small and weak and pathetic. Somebody asked me why I spend so much time at the gym and I told them “because I want to be the best”. They told me “but you’ll never be the best so why bother”. Disappointed that I didn’t realize in the moment how awful that person was and kept talking to them for a few months, but the interaction stuck with me

Once in highschool english, the teacher presented us with a couple scenariors ending in the question, what would you do? We had to share with everybody after thinking about it. Supposedly our answers reflected some psychological desire or percetion. The last scenario was something like, if you walked along a road and reached a body of water, such as a stream or a lake, what would you do? The first thing that came to my mind immediately was "stay as far away as possible". I thought that made no sense, so I changed my answer to "walk along its edge". The teacher then revealed that the body of water respresents intimacy.

I was crawling under some table made of glass and my mother was talking to a dark haired woman in a white nightgown. Apparently this happened around the time I was 18 months old. To be honest I don't have many "random" memories because I have a pretty clear memory from my 2nd birthday on. I remember waking up that morning and wondering if this was when I would start being aware of everything. And then of course I was so aware of this little mental game for the next 5 years that I didn't forget anything.

>>25323
This makes me remember things that make my blood boil

When I was around eleven years old, I went to the local playground swing where I spent time alone and talked to myself as usually. A girl came to me and she was amused by my habit of talking to myself.

I've always hated gifts. Find it ridiculous how most people fake altruism on specific dates and events. Until one day when my mother saw my figurine collection. She went on her way and a few days later came to give me pic related.
"To clean your dolls".
Apparently it's one of those MLM brands which a work colleague of her was affiliated to. No matter; I was touched since that was the first, and so far the only time I witness a present given intentionally, from pure generosity with "no strings attached".

>>25516
That's a warming anecdote. Thank you for sharing.

>>25516
Just curious, they are actually dolls or figurines?

>>25519
Initially she made a surprised expression, but then had that "i'm happy as long as you're happy look".
>>25523
They're figurines. I figure she doesn't know that's a word.

>>25327
I almost cried reading this. I hope you can create some nice memories for yourself to remember and relate to later anon.

I wrote down a few memories in my notebook recently as I was feeling a little down on my birthday and decided to try to think of one memory for each year of my life, to try and figure out when in my life I was happy. I only made notes but I'll expand on some of them here when I feel like it since I have a few I think are worth a mention.

>11: walking home from school, I fail to interact with people who were interested in talking to me.
It's my first year in this school and everybody seems to know my name, but I only know the names of people who are close to me. I remember in particular these two girls who would often call my name and catch up with me because they wanted to talk to me. I didn't even know if they were in my year, or the same age, or how they knew my name. I was always so nervous that I didn't know what to say, as they were quite pretty. Sometimes I thought they were asking me things to try and make fun of me, but I wasn't sure. I had particularly low self esteem at the time so I thought pretty girls must only be talking to an ugly boy like me as a joke. Now I think this wasn't the case and I just thought so because being nervous triggered my defensive fight or flight instincts. If I had spoken more to them we might have even become friends. I was walking home alone with headphones on one time. I was enjoying the music and didn't really want to talk, I wasn't really in the moment or aware of my surroundings except for crossing the road; sometimes I would even walk past my house for 20 minutes because I was lost in thought. I didn't notice until it was too late that I was walking quite fast and had just walked right up to the two girls and a third person although I don't remember it was a boy or a girl, just that they were tall and a bit intimidating. I'll just call them "tall guy." After taking off my headphones out of politeness and the usual greetings, I started to get irritated at the slow pace they were walking at and although I felt comfortable talking to the girls, I just wanted to get away from tall guy and walk home fast so I could have more time to play video games. When they were talking to each other, I had the idea to put the headphones back on and walk away quickly while they weren't looking. This went about as well as you would expect.
They joked about me power walking because I had put on my headphones and how I was in the zone and didn't notice I was walking away. They thought it was really funny and forgot whatever it was they were discussing. Now I was the center of attention and totally embarassed. One of the girls came to the conclusion that I could only walk fast if I had both my headphones in. She played with me a bit by keeping on taking my left headphone out and putting it back in to activate my power walk mode but then try to slow me down by reaching and taking it off just as I was about to leave their invisible sphere of interaction. I played along because it was some harmless fun but mainly because I wanted to walk faster to escape and hopefully get away with it being a joke so I didn't have to take responsibility for being rude. My one-track-mind just saw the purpose of walking as to simply reach home as fast as possible, not considering the possible advantages of social opportunity.
I later got a cheap scooter for this purpose.
To this day I still feel bewilderingly embarassed thinking about that "power walk" moment and having ever owned a scooter.

This website might be of interest to some people ITT. You anonymously write memories based off a stimulus and try to analyze how a person's personality is from their writing. Then it agregates the scores given by people to supposedly give an accurate analysis of your ego.
>https://www.emisary.com/splash

>>25624
No, they were definitely making fun of you. People don't just decide to take interest in a person they have nothing in common with. Either they feel pity for you, are briefly fascinated by your abnormality and then loose interest, or some combination of the two. Bothering a person you don't know and acting like you know them is obviously going to make that person uncomfortable, but they don't actually care about your feelings if they're just looking for entertainment. You becoming part of their group was never a possibility. If you were normal enough, they'd just ignore you instead of taking momentary interest. Adults don't care about playing those kinds of games with people, so they mostly ignore abnormal people unless they need money or something.

Post edited on 27th May 2020, 2:48pm

>>25625
Thanks for giving me some clarity in my dumb memory. This actually helps me.
True, I think you have a point that people generally don't take interest in other people with nothing in common. in this instance, I think they were making fun of me, but that's partly because they wanted to impress tall guy. I was 11 so I don't remember for sure, but I had previously assumed I was just too lazy to learn peoples' names as I didn't even know the names of people in my class. However you are starting to convince me that in fact they were just pretending to know me, possibly since they heard about my weirdness from other people. Now I think about it, this wasn't an isolated event either. I remember in particular in college having some kind of girls' group chat "fan club" about me where they'd just take pictures of me when I wasn't looking and post it in their group chat. And since becoming an adult, indeed I have mostly been ignored by other adults, which I prefer to be honest. This fits with your idea. Thank you. Guess I'll just expect less from people now.

>>25625
>Adults don't care about playing those kinds of games with people, so they mostly ignore abnormal people unless they need money or something.
They do care very much and they like to fuck with abnormal people just for fun.

>>25626
>they'd just take pictures of me when I wasn't looking and post it in their group chat
That's awful. You must have gone to a small place then.
>>25627
When they have the time and nothing else is occupying their attention, which isn't as common as it is for kids. Internet "influencers" aren't an accurate representation of the average working adult.

In my school they even had a prize for abnormal people, something like "loser of the year" among all students, I think it was sponsored by the school itself.
Of course I won, but at least I didn't have to go to the ceremony.

>>25626
Maybe you thought it was your fault because you weren't nice enough? That's what I've been told multiple times, that I had a problem of "attitude". But I think that line of thought just fucks the individual with conflictive ideas. I was lucky and I was completely ignored after high school, college included. I think at some point you start to scare or bother normal people more than being the laughing stock. Some workmate told another (not in front of me) that I was the kind of guy that any day could appear at work with an axe and start killing people. I like being seen like that for once, and I'm an absolute weakling who couldn't hurt a fly.

>>25628
I don't know any internet influencers. I knew a shitton of working adults. Their always-busy lifestyle is superficial, an appearance they choose to conform with the 9-5 culture. Yes, they will always act busy if you need their assistance. In reality they're never too busy to miss an opportunity to execute a well placed jab. In terms of working I've never met anyone whose priority was their performance. In fact the vast majority puts most of their energy into social maneuvering and inventing ways of stretching out their tasks to the limits of possibility. As long as they appear productive to others and to themselves it doesn't matter if anyone's doing any real work. Let me assure you, not even operating dangerous machinery is important enough for a normal to skip a chance to fuck with the local reject.
People don't change, high school never ends. The 'adults' only learned to camouflage their baseline pettiness, greed, cruelty and fear with socially sanctioned repertoire of actions, attitudes and language.

>>25624
>https://www.emisary.com/splash

So what does it do? I can't find any details anywhere.
How exactly does it work? What were your assignments? How did you choose to go about completing them? How were you rated? What did you get out of it?
Does it offer any help to those who suffer or is it just another game devised to satisfy the normals' voyeuristic curiosity?

>>25630
Have you worked in a place wih deadlines and clients? What about hr? Are they useless? The possibility of a lawsuit should have some effect.

I'm going through the emisary thing currently. Will post results.

>>25628
I don't know. Not a big place, but not tiny. It did make me very self-conscious but I felt kind of flattered.

>>25629
>In my school they even had a prize for abnormal people, something like "loser of the year"
That's fucked up. Commisarations.
>That's what I've been told multiple times, that I had a problem of "attitude".
me too. I think we are similar.

>>25630
>The 'adults' only learned to camouflage their baseline pettiness, greed, cruelty and fear with socially sanctioned repertoire of actions, attitudes and language.
Yeah I agree with this.

>So what does it do? I can't find any details anywhere.
supposedly gives you a very accurate and objective analysis of your personality after you finish all 5 stages, according to a few people.
>How exactly does it work? What were your assignments? How did you choose to go about completing them?
you are given a stimulus to describe a memory, and you must write in detail and in the present tense. For example "Recall a moment of betrayal by a friend. When or where is it happening? Describe the moment in detail..." between 600-1600 characters in length. Some of them are quite challenging but spending time reflecting can be quite useful in itself.

afterwards, you are given 3-4 other peoples' anonymous submissions and you rate them by 2 sliders with seemingly unrelated adjectives. The idea is supposed to be that you are looking at their tone or writing style or something as well as the actual content of their memory. So for example I was asked to analyse a story about someone who was misdiagnosed with migraine but refused treatment. The 2 sliders were between "nururing - angry" and "agreeable - cautious."
It encourages you to decide this out of pure "gut feeling" about the writer rather than really thinking about each one for a long time. You get a more detailed preface when you make an account, recommended to use a burner email.
>How were you rated? What did you get out of it?
I have only finished part 1 out of 5 and just came back to it after a while, so it doesn't really make much sense so far. You probably need to finish all 5 to get a complete analysis. I think it would be worth it just to see if it's accurate as it's quite an interesting but bizarre idea. See pic related. Seems like since quarantine everywhere, the actual memories of other people you get to read are slightly less interesting which is a shame. The categories are hidden until you reach them. Clicking the question mark gives you a summary of what the scale means:
>Behavior evolved as a fuzzy control system to optimize reproduction and survival (at least in so far as survival aided reproduction).

>However, long before even rudimentary consciousness needed to evolve, an entity had to feed and to avoid environmental dangers. This called for action upon the environment (dominance) and retreat to safety (submission).

>A measure of both is required in all motile creatures, but in a fundamental way this general outlook colors many other more complex behaviors.

So the scoring of "meek - arrogant" that you give people is actually an analysis of their "urge to control" but it doesn't tell you until you get your score for that section.

>Does it offer any help to those who suffer?
It is not intended to offer help or advice, it simply gives you some kind of algorithm driven analysis based on the data it is given, which you can use however you like and may or may not help you. Kind of makes sense as the data is supposedly based on peoples' initial subconscious response to your self-expression, which is similar to how people react in real life.
>or is it just another game devised to satisfy the normals' voyeuristic curiosity?
I would say somewhat, but it is not very well known amongst normals as far as I know. However, this doesn't really matter if you do it just to find out about yourself, and at best it just attracts more users which it needs in order to function. The way it works doesn't just let anyone read what you write like a forum. You can only read other peoples' memories once you finish writing a task, then after you see 3 or 4 memories you must write another before you can continue. It is very linear. You also need an account before you can enter, and people who fill the boxes with random characters just to see other peoples' writing can be reported and do get banned liberally. I haven't seen any spam posts so far, so it seems to act as a good barrier to voyeurs and forces people to contribute.

That kind of stuff makes me remember of this;
https://www.16personalities.com/
I have a natural distrust of tests and personality cathegories, I did some research and it's supposedly based on something Jung wrote and some people say it works so well but I still suspect it has more to do with pseudo-science, tests from vapid magazines and the usual HR bullshit. If civilization doesn't go to shit I think someday this will be seen as the phrenology of our era. Or maybe phrenology will return, I think there's some voices advocating for that right now.

At school boys used to joke around with me and try to talk to me and try to get me to open up but it never worked and they gave up but they were never cold to me(they would have just thought I was odd and left it at that). Girls tried talking to me too but gave up as well. I don't think they were even malicious and I don't know that they talked behind my back. In my adult life however, people might be reasonably amiable initially but they get much colder later on, they don't insult me but they are passive aggressive and can sometimes be slightly rude or hostile but only slightly. Yet then they talk about me behind my back and can be quite rude. Another thing regarding that, I say something to them about some health related topic or something historical or political and they will seem like they are perfectly fine with it and not offended at all but then next day another fellow will tell me that they were actually really angered by it and were telling everybody that if I said that again they would hit me. I will then deliberately talk about that same thing with them later on and again, they will be perfectly calm and normal, as if they had never said they were going to hit me at all. Adults can be quite two faced.

>>25624
Was your birthday recently before that post as in a few days? We may share the same birthday if so.

>>25636
What do you mean by open up? Did you ingore them, or was your response to them somehow "closed off"?

Post edited on 29th May 2020, 10:05am

>>25636
Same as high school adult social life seems to be a perpetual war, just more subtle. I have seen it pretty much everywhere, specially at workplaces but also in the family and others.
What I don't understand is how so much people can live like that, it's stressing and exhausting, it takes nowhere. I can even understand better the kind person that likes real war or political conflict, there can be some epic on it, but just an eternal loop of petty fights with everyone? I guess it's because I lack of testosterone, estrogens or whatever shit.

>>25637
They would make jokes, banter about things, ask questions and just generally try to include me in things. Back then I was not closed off, I just didn't really know how to actually talk to them so my responses were generally short but then later in school I did become closed off and they gave up.

>>25638
Yeah, but regarding politics and war, maybe if you are involved with people that are in politics or something else that is bigger than themselves or that takes a lot of their energy then maybe those kinds of people would be less likely to do this kind of thing. I think that people that are more confidant are less likely to as well, gossiping and putting people down seems more like something that people would do to make themselves feel better about themself or appear better to their peers.

>>25624
>>25626
>>25629
This brings me back. My entire youth was with people interacting with me in absolutely abnormal ways and me questioning whether they were in earnest or trying to fuck with me, since it's a memory thread have this:
I was at someone's birthday, in a pizzeria. I had just changed schools after a very serious bullying incident and was trying my very best to not get bullied this time, and become popular and all that. Anyway, there were many guys there and one or other girls, probably parents of the guy who was celebrating, and most were classmates, almost all boys from class were there. I was sat facing the wall, and there were some other tables behind me. People began ordering their pizzas, and I had eaten the first slice or so, when I am approached by a couple (3 or so) of much older girls (I was 11-12, so they must have been 15-17, or even more), they were good looking and I think they were celebrating as well, being dressed with heels, and more good-looking clothing. They began asking asking me things, like my name, my age, and they seemed to do so with a very condescending voice, laughing a bit, I think they took a picture of me also. To this day I have not a single idea what was all that about.
I mean, they literally left their group, went to our group, approach a guy by his back, so no previous eye contact or anything, and talked to me in such a weird way. Did they think I was cute? With ridiculous looking clothes?(I had gone to the birthday with a unfortunate choice of attire).
I wish I could rewatch the incident in a TV or something, to reanalyse the situation. I have a very good memory, even remember the flavours of pizza random guys from that day ordered, and what they talked about, and of many persons quantity eaten, but these situations that make blood run fast, I can't do as much good, but other people were completely astounded by this happening, with their unbelieving expression.

When I first moved out, every once in a while I'd take the bus back home, to visit my parents, and my cats. The trip was just two hours long, but I could use the time to listen to all my Reitaisai albums, and other music I enjoyed, on my old mp3 player. The ride was never full, usually just me a half a dozen of people spread through the bus. I would spend the trip looking through the window at the somewhat boring landscape of flat grasslands, farms and the occasional small city. Each time of the day gave the ride a different feeling, dawn, day, dusk, night, and transformed the landscape, and I memorized all those images. It felt delicate, comfortable. I was not in a good place at that time, but looking back, I miss it, there is a bittersweet nostalgia. As bad as it was then, it was the last I ever felt this comfort. It's never as bad now, but all the beauty of life disappeared together with it.

It was winter break during my senior year in high school. My parents took me to a hotel next to a mountain in New York for a four day new years eve party which catered to Russian-speaking Americans. There was plenty of events(mostly in Russian which I don't understand), but I spent nearly all of the time in the hotel room browsing the web.

A few of the people there had kids around my age and there was a "teen club" especially for that. One of them was the son of my dad's friend. I couldn't help but be dragged there once. There was only 4-6 there including myself and they just sat around staring at their phones or telling stories about messing around and pissing off another kid to the point where he broke a glass window in the previous years they attended. Later they ran around the place, went into empty rooms so they could turn the lights off and sit on the floor in the dark even though there were chairs, and had more inane conversation.

They kept asking me if I was high. I didn't talk a lot and was kind of uncomfortable, but doing a decent job of hiding it with my blank expression and general apathy. I was weirded out by their physical closeness, the way they huddled together or how the girls would piggyback a guy. They were from New Brunswick or something and acted accordingly.

Later, I was enjoying the empty hotel room at night when my dad's friend knocked on the door and had his son escort me to where the "teen club" was meeting. More inane conversation. Some new ones where there and talked at me about how they want to get into stocks while I pretended to be interested and nodded along. We played a game of never have I ever with mostly drug or sex or relationship related questions and then more huddling together I wordlessly ignored. Then I left for my hotel room again. Apparently after that, some little kid came into the room and was bullied. Everybody there got yelled at except me since I already left.

The last day was the actual New Years party. The attendants expected parents to do that whole supervision thing, so I ended up drinking a glass of champagne and a glass of white wine poured by some alcoholic old women at our table. I felt hot and dizzy, so I decided to go back to the room. On the way, somebody from the club invited me to watch a movie with all of them which I politely declined. Never saw any of them again and I'm glad. The best part of that trip was hiking in the snowy mountain with no other people around.

When I was 3ish, I stuck a penny into a power socket pretending it was a coin slot for a vending machine. Shocked the hell out of me and left a nasty burn mark on the wall, which stayed until after we moved.

One day in 1st grade, I came into class after being absent the previous day, only to get called into the principal's office. They started claiming that I brought a lighter onto school grounds, and after much confusion and pressure, I just said I did. They threw me into in-school suspension. It wasn't until I got out that I find out what really happened: on my absent day, not only did some kid bring a lighter that fell out of his jacket, but there was also a substitute. When she asked the kid his name, he gave mine, pinning the blame completely on me. The kid got off scot-free. When I found out about this and tried to tell my parents, they wouldn't believe me.

Sometime in 2nd grade, I embarrassed myself by rambling about computers in front of a girl until she got annoyed at me. I don't think I ever tried to talk to her again afterward.

Around that same time I remember thinking to myself that everyone must hate me. But I never told anyone because I thought they'd just tell me I'm being overdramatic. Looking back, I wasn't completely wrong: I had no friends at school, and almost every adult I knew was abusive or neglectful towards me in some way. The only exception was my dad, who was an okay guy, but I almost never got to see him. Hell, I'd say all of my happy memories involving adults were with him. Dude taught me multiplication, basic physics, guitar (or at least tried; his steel-string hurt to play so I gave up), maybe a couple other things but I don't remember. I imagine I'd be in a much better place if he had actually been a part of my life.

In fact, his physics lesson was an odd memory itself. He had let me out to go play with the other kids in his neighborhood, when suddenly he came yelling at me claiming I hit a girl (I didn't hit anyone, let alone a girl). Either someone mistook another kid for me or just didn't like me. I don't know. Anyway, he takes me back inside, starts reading me the riot act, and halfway through it suddenly turns into a lesson on kinetic and potential energy. By the time he's done I'm just weirded out wondering how he managed to steer his own conversation like that.

I was arguing with some namefag on 420chan about something. He or she was clearly older than me and won. Called me a piece of shit, basically. I came back and posted about being suicidal, problems with my parents, and how I get pleasure from imagining hanging myself in my mom's room just to end the pain and destroy them. The same namefag gave me genuine advice and told me to move out ASAP.

Wew the hatred I felt for my parents was not normal, in hindsight

A couple of months ago, I made a thread on a psychology forum spilling my guts out. This was the kind of forum for getting advice and help and all that nice stuff. I gave a pretty detailed description of the things that were weighing on my mind for years. I've never been THAT open with anybody in real life or online before or since. I also made it clear that I was interested in having a discussion and getting feedback.

The forum has two "ratings": thanks and hugs. I got a few of those, but the only actual response was one person asking why I didn't want to see a therapist, somebody saying they read it and hoped that made me feel better, and somebody who told me to socialize more(they put it in a more roundabout way, but still).
I made a post explaining why I didn't want to see a therapist and another giving more intimate details of my problems and asking for feedback again. I got none except a few more internet "hugs". Nothing else. I feel like I was basically ignored and while that's not too suprising, it still bothers me for some reason.

The rest of the forum threads had way more genuine discussion and attention.

I think it bothers me because I thought that was the one place something like that shouldn't have happened.

>>26157
Reminds me of an experience I had on a small imageboard that 'seemed' pretty nice and welcoming. After lurking for a while I made a huge post that I spent a few days working on, even had to break it up into multiple posts because I hit their character limit multiple times. After essentially spilling my life story I got two posts in response. One telling me I sounded needy and basically deserved the problems I spoke of, and another which agreed with the person. I'd rather not go into details but their post also made it clear they had life handed to them on a silver platter and could never understand the issues I was facing. I didn't bother to respond and deleted the posts. Never went back.

>>26158
That seems par for the course for an imageboard, which is why I've never completely opened up on one. I only trusted that site so much because it had some veneer of professionalism and academia. I was hoping the forum would also be frequented by some professionals who could give me something substantial and informed.

In actuality, it mostly consists of people who are or were in abusive relationships, or have mental disorders that are easy for anybody to sympathize with. One person pmed me asking if I wanted to talk. I asked them to do so in the thread I created(to spur discussion) which they agreed to, but they never did it and I know they kept using the site afterwards.

I would have preferred being criticized to getting ignored actually. I just wanted to be understood and know what another person thought when they knew as much as possible about me.

>basically deserved the problems I spoke of
That's a common sentiment. People are obsessed with what's "deserved" and "not deserved" based on whether somebody is a "good person" or "bad person" and their age. It's like an insane religion most of society follows. Productive solutions to problems are never their concern. If somebody is too old and a "bad person" that's it, they're done. They "deserve everything" and should never be given a second thought.

>>26157
>I think it bothers me because I thought that was the one place something like that shouldn't have happened.
I had an experience like this on Reddit once. The post took me over a month to make because I had never even wrote about it before outside of a very passive, hands off approach in a journal years ago. Two people were well intention'd but basically told me to go to therapy (which wasn't a financial option at the time) while the third was pretty much hostile. Took two words out of a ~1800 word post and concluded I was "a needy nice guy". It'd be one thing if it was just some driveby troll but this guy was a mod of several mental health subs. Essentially told me my life was turning out the way I deserved to have it turn out. You know, because you can figure that out based on a few paragraphs someone wrote about an incredibly touchy subject. My account had no other posts.

Normally I wouldn't use Reddit for discussion but I thought maybe for that sort of mental spaghetti it'd be a bit better. Nope.

>>26159
>People are obsessed with what's "deserved" and "not deserved"
It feels like back in the old days these people would just get angry and tell us to man up, get over it, etc. That sort of response to troubled men seems baked in evolutionary. But it's the current year and you aren't allowed to shout "man up" so they have to find something else wrong with you to justify their evolutionary discomfort.

Maybe I'm full of shit but it doesn't seem like that much has changed. We've mixed the words and reasoning for things up but the driving force behind human action is the same thing it's always been. Hairless apes, all of us.

>>26160
Nah it's not just you. I've noticed people are pretty intolerant and incompassionate towards men, especially online. I think this is because the internet is full of just so many "sad boys" that it becomes over whelming and is hard for anyone to care. To help all the sad lonely depressed guys on the internet would be like cleaning the sand out of a desert. Unlike most people I've met I actually do care about and want to help out my fellow man, I've tried listing to and helping such guys, but they unfortunately get -very- attached if I do. A few guys have stalked me because of this. It takes a lot of time and work to get them to change their lives for the better, and most won't change easily. Helping these people takes an amount of effort that I think the average person can't even pretend to consider taking on. Women can get away with it because of all the white knights who want to get laid, but also because women cause all sorts of problems when they're upset. I guess there's also something of an instinctive drive in men to want to support women who are down. Women on the other hand only see men who are anything but perfect as pathetic losers, forget about emotional support, you'd be lucky if they give you the time of day when you're down. There's also little chance of getting help from other guys when they all have their own problems to deal with and they stand to gain little or nothing from helping you. That's why men pay therapists for emotional support, women just use whoever is around.

>>26160
>But it's the current year and you aren't allowed to shout "man up" so they have to find something else wrong with you to justify their evolutionary discomfort.
It completely contradicts the constant criticism that men aren't open enough about their emotions. If you have the wrong emotions for the wrong reasons, you're a pariah unless you hide it. Not once have I seen this mentioned and acknowledged in a mainstream context. It's all just flagrant double standards and baseless ideology. It would be less annoying if everybody was honest about it.

>>26161
I didn't want "help" or expect anybody to be my friend. I was only looking for acknowledgement and feedback in a place specifically designated for it.

Post edited on 18th Nov 2020, 4:09pm

>>26161
So in the end you came to agree with the mainstream that unhappy boys should be discarded as damaged goods that yield poor return on investment? Sad.

>>26162
I feel the same. I keep seeing people being treated like that, or people spontaneously posting opinions which signal that kind of attitude. Even though I'm not personally involved in these conversations it still makes me feel horrible by proxy.
It bothers me so much I felt the need to write in detail about this issue for quite some time now but I was worried about the reception. Lately I noticed some posters are acting as if being honest about certain feelings and emotions is no longer considered acceptable here.
I don't know, maybe I'll post something later.

>>26163
Not exactly. I just try to pick my battles more carefully.

>>26164
>Lately I noticed some posters are acting as if being honest about certain feelings and emotions is no longer considered acceptable here.
Maybe. I don't think anybody here is inconsistent in their position on things though. Contradictions, lack of transparency and inconsistency is what gets under my skin most. If the majority of people openly said men need to shut up about their emotions, that would at least be consistent.

Post edited on 18th Nov 2020, 6:07pm

>>26157
I'm late, but shouldn't have been better to share that here? I'm almost intrigued.
I can think of some things that could explain your disappointment. First, a normal with a mental illness is still a normal. With years I have developed this idea that what separates us, or me, from other people, works in a more fundamental level.
Second, people don't care about people. What's important for you means nothing to others, unless there's some particular piece that resonates into someone.
I can't say the feeling is alien to me. That's why I keep things for myself and only share bits of it in places like this. Maybe this can degenerate into narcicism, I don't know.

>>26164
Just curious, what certain feelings and emotions?

>>26167
>shouldn't have been better to share that here?

>I only trusted that site so much because it had some veneer of professionalism and academia.
Plus I went into my lack of empathy, the violent fantasies I had when I was younger and my current life situation. None of which seemed appropriate for tohno-chan. Tohno-chan isn't the place I would go to for advice on pretty much anything except internet stuff.

>>26168
Various sentiments which if posted on some other imageboards would get you dismissed as a "failed normalfag" and such.

>>26170
It's something against the rules?

>>26171
I'm not him but for how broad the criteria has become to be dismissed as a failed normalfag and simply say it's always against the rules just isn't true.

>>26171
No.

>>26172
What does a failed normalfag even constitutes of nowadays?
I may be wrong, but I think many are using it as a synonym for "incel", but I recall very clearly that it used be for someone who was a normalfag already, but couldn't "score one with the girls" or was essentially a social bottom feeder. The failed normalfag IS a ford-driver, but he doesn't have his own ford vehicle, he has to ask his "superiors" for it, and stays on the trunk the entire ride. These are the kinds of normalfags that "ironically" like 4chan culture, often reads 4chan posts on other normal-friendly websites, and has never posted on a imageboard before, rejects any anti-society ideas, and despite not profiting from it is obsessed with the normalfag world, often looking for the next events or something like that.

>>26174
I think I heard it the most in wizardchan.
At the end a failed normalfag was absolutely everyone who posted in an imageboard except some really smart, handsome and perfect individuals who despite their multiple qualities decided to spend all their time not getting laid and hating things. Because of this you could say the only topic in every board and every thread was discussing who was and who wasn't a failed normal. Of curse things like playing videogames, watching anime or fapping to loli (or fapping at all) made you a normalfag, failed or not.

In my book a failed normal was the kind of person that craves for the normalfag life and thinks that things like getting a grillfriend will solve all his problems, living their lifes between the idealization of what they don't have and deep regreet. I suspect it's the kind of thing you have to end growing up in one way or another.

>>26174
I don't like the term failed normalfag becuase it insinuates that either the things normalfags want have value, or someone isn't actually a normalfag. Low rank normalfag would be better.

>>26175
>the kind of person that craves for the normalfag life and thinks that things like getting a grillfriend will solve all his problems
There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting that.

>>26177
I hate stupid, foolish people, so there is something wrong with it. Fucking brainless cattle. I don't come on the to tc to see this type of shit. There's a million other places for it, so why is it so difficult to keep this insipid, mindless garbage that's regurgitated ad-naeuseum somewhere else? How hard it to understand that people cannot and will not measure up to 2d characters? What are they even doing on here? What is the thought process behind it? They can go to some dating site and pursue their idiotic goals. I have to say all this, I can't just ignore it and let it keep going. This needs to be put out there. I have to state this message as clearly and strongly as possible to put it on record.

Post edited on 26th Nov 2020, 6:20pm

>>26177
It is, because the person is craving for something that doesn't really exist. It's bad for the person and it's bad when the person pollutes anywhere he goes with the same kind of thoughts. And I can understand a moment of weakness, we all can have doubts and I'm not really intolerant, but not a perpetual drama that eats someone's life.

>>26180
>It is, because the person is craving for something that doesn't really exist.
I see where you're coming from but that's something I can't agree with. It's a natural desire that is only further conditioned in most people by media and people's expectations. One I might even feel so bold as to say even people with waifus want or enjoy. To love and be loved by a lover and maybe even have faithful friends. An ideal life with ideal peers.
I agree with the rest of what you said, the reality is that most of the time it just doesn't exist and life is not always so glamorous, everyone here knows that. But even so, not everyone lives the kind of life that disillusions them so early in their life instead of experience hammering it into their thick skull only breaking through when they're old. But saying it's wrong to want natural human desires is, in my opinion, somewhat ignorant and doesn't make much sense. Don't assume I'm saying you should let in normalshits though, absolutely not.

>>26181
I never say it was wrong to have those desires, because it's not something you decide, what I meant is you shouldn't abandon yourself to those desires. There's more in life, be normal or not be normal but don't fall for impossible idealizations or reality will crush you in one way or another. I don't think you need any particular experience to reach this conclussion, just to have your eyes open and accept things for what they are.

>>26168
See, this >>26178 >>26180 is what I was talking about.
They're trying to enforce this toxic, obnoxious wizardchan mentality even though it doesn't belong here.

>>26183
What part of 2d > 3d do you not understand? It's not complicated. I've never used wizardchan, but as far as I know, they aren't about 2d or appreciating anything. You can't conflate these things for your own convenience. Tohno-chan is a website that first and foremost focuses on 2d. It's really, really simple, and all anybody has to do it turn on their brain to understand it. I don't care if that's "toxic".

This sentiment isn't new by the way
>>/fb/1416

Post edited on 27th Nov 2020, 12:28pm

>>26012
Really nice story, anonymous. I remember similar things about the "clubs" where the parents drop you with other kids and expect you to have fun (especially after school since my parents always worked late). I always found it really uncomfortable, and I couldn't tell how genuine people were with their closeness.

Why did you go back to your hotel room after drinking? It seems like that wasn't very much alcohol but I suppose if you were young and never drank before it could have been confusing. Normally people drink a lot more than that on New Year's Eve since it's a big celebration, but also it's supposed to make you feel hot and fuzzy, that's what gets people to socialise. Did you at least wait until midnight to go back to your room? They probably thought you are rude if you are leaving before.

>>26185
>Why did you go back to your hotel room after drinking?
It was already after midnight and people were getting ready to move on to the "disco"(what Russian-speakers call a place to dance while listening to music). My mother is a lightweight(so maybe I am too? plus I was and still am 5'7, 120 lbs) and I had never drunk that much before like you said, though I have had a bit of champagne in previous years. My thought process was that I didn't know if I was drunk or how intoxicated I was, but I was more likely to do or say saying embarrassing, so I got quiet and wanted to isolate myself quickly. I also just felt physically uncomfortable and maybe there was some pressure in my head.

>>26186
> "disco"(what Russian-speakers call a place to dance while listening to music).
I thought this was the common (and only) meaning of disco? Even spanish has the word discoteca, so I don't think it's russian only.

>>26187
>(and only) meaning of disco?
I'm not sure about the average American, but to me disco means the dated 70s music genre. I actually remembered it wrong, they call it a "discotec" I think. When I think of a place to dance, night club, ballroom and dance floor come to mind first.

>>26188
>but to me disco means the dated 70s music genre
The genre is presumably named after the type of music that would be played at a disco (at least in that era).

>>26183
You couldn't be more wrong. While wizchan is all about witch hunting and overreacting, and that made me hate the place, I just expressed my thoughts and advice, little else. If you feel like you really need to talk about that stuff or express your desires then you're free to do it if moderation is ok with that, I will never try to impose my beliefs in anyone since I lack what's necessary for that and I'm no one to say what belongs here and what not, at most I will discretely express an slight discomfort.

In highschool, I went on /co/ once out of morbid curiosity. While there, I got into an argument with someone about whether or not the "animesnob" is a good critic. Eventually, it got to the point where I would spend 30 minutes writing a reply and waiting 30 minutes for them to respond. Somehow, this lasted until 6am when I finally went to sleep. I think I got the last word in, but the next day the thread was already gone, so I'm not sure. For some reason, I still deeply regret participating in this. This wasn't a regular thing for me. I never went on /co/ again. Part of me thinks that I wasn't arguing with a person, but a demon whose sole purpose is to waste as much of humans' time as possible.

>>26191
That's a sick degrading behaviour and you should abstain from it in the future. I know that because I have done it in the past. I could get into the most stupid internet arguing for hours, and I never got anything positive from it, just annoyed others and myself. Since years ago I mostly avoid it and the sole thought of having anything outside a friendly conversation in good terms feels more and more nauseating with time.
I would like to say it's because I have matured but it's probably just my brain deciding to stop doing something stupid for once, a really diminished self-steem that makes me unable to stand an strong point on anything and being more appreciative on whatever time I have left. I still remember all that wasted time and energy with regreet and shame though.

>>26191
/co/ and places like it are sick. Shunning anime in favour of mediocre western cartoons is ridiculous.

>>26192
I've had prolonged arguments on the internet since then, but none have been nearly that prolonged or cut into my sleep. What makes it even worse is that I did it in a place I wasn't invested in to begin with.

>>26193
You consider anyone who has different tastes than you to be ridiculous?

>>26195
Generally no. It's that specific case that baffles me.

Lately I've been having fragments of memories of what I was specifically doing at the time I watched an anime I saw years ago. I was thinking about how I was sitting in bed watching the Galaxy Express film late at night even though I had a test in the morning and just not caring about that. That was probably about 8 or 9 years ago now and I guess nothing much has changed since then.

>>26196
What's different in this case? I can't see what's so sick about them having a board dedicated to the stuff they like.

>>26198
It's not that they have a board, it's the attitude that board has and how it spreads. I'm not explaining this well, but mostly my problems with the western cartoon/comic community is that they look down on anime and its fans a lot, and especially otaku culture related things. I suppose I'm perpetuating a cycle by just hating them back but I really do dislike them. This is kind of off topic for this thread though.

>>26199
I think it goes both ways.

Sometimes, when I spend an inordinate amount of time doing something, I can't go to sleep at night because I obsessively think about doing that thing and it's all I can see when I close my eyes. This doesn't happen every time, but sometimes, for whatever reason, my mind gets stuck in a horrible loop. Once I played Pokemon emerald for an entire day, like ten or more hours straight. At night I closed my eyes, but the game was still in front of me, so I spent the whole night tossing and turning while trying to think of something else.

This happened to me yesterday, but with math this time. I had been studying for an exam for three days, seven to nine hours each day. For some reason, it only happened after the exam. All I could see when I closed my eyes was numbers and nonsensical, impossible problems. My mind also made bizarre connections between my body parts, the blanket and math symbols. My left hand was an =, my head a 3x and my right hand a 4pi. I went through eight hours of this shit and I'm afraid.

>>26201
Being stuck in fight-or-flight. Trying to stop those thought loops makes it worse. Divert your attention onto something else.

>>26201
Yeah this happens to me too. With programming, math and games.
Last I remember was fire emblem and when sleeping I was nonsensically trying to get in a more comfortable position in turn based movement. I hate it.

>>26201
>>26206
This also happens to me, especially with math. When I was studying abstract algebra, I would sit in bed thinking about groups, fields, and polynomials for a long time before eventually falling asleep and dreaming of those same things. I think it is sometimes referred to as the Tetris Effect.

>>26201
>I can't go to sleep at night because I obsessively think about doing that thing and it's all I can see when I close my eyes.
I face this issue at well. When I lie in bed I still keep thinking about how to solve something or generally just pondering things. And then when I think of something I feel the need to write it down so I don't forget it, so I have to get up from bed and so it ends uptaking ~3 hours to fall asleep (which I suppose is still somewhat fortunate seeing as it seems it your situation is far worse).

The only thing that really works for me is trying to prevent those types of ponderings by avoiding mentally stimulating work and limiting myself to mindless things. But then I end up getting bored, so it's quite a hellish cycle. Perhaps I should work on trying to learn how to "clear my mind" as you mentioned in (>>36941). But the issue is I genuinely enjoy thinking about things, and sometimes I do indeed have solutions come to me while my mind is drifting as I'm trying to sleep (supposedly a noted phenomenon in hypnagogia. It also does indeed manifest in the "Tetris effect" as >>26210 mentioned).

In high school, there was this policy that students couldn't be upstairs during lunch. They could be wherever they wanted downstairs, but upstairs was off limits. As lunch was about to end, I was standing outside the stairwell among a crowd of people, waiting to go to my next class. Nearly everybody was talking to one or more other people. I was day dreaming.

Out of nowhere, at least in my memory, a kid who wasn't talking to anybody either came up to me and said something kind of embarrassing I can't remember, maybe a joking complaint about the wait or something. I knew he wanted me to respond with something, but I just gave a one word reply and barely looked at him. In my memory at least, he was kind of chubby and baby-faced. He then told me he was a sophomore and asked me what year I was. Senior. I think he was disappointed by that.

I don't remember if he said anything else, but I never saw him again. I never had classes with him or otherwise saw him before this either. Maybe I come across as mean in this story, but I disliked the vibe and connotations of the interaction. I didn't like how he assumed I wanted to talk to somebody or that my feelings were in any way similar to his own. Maybe I felt "preyed upon". I think he was trying to make a friend or something, but the interaction was objectively pointless. Even more so because I was a senior and like two months away from graduating.

What's funny is that I probably remember this better than he does.

>>25323
>she started talking about how Japanese people have a genetic propensity for cruelness
your mom sounds epic

>>26201
>My mind also made bizarre connections between my body parts, the blanket and math symbols. My left hand was an =, my head a 3x and my right hand a 4pi. I went through eight hours of this shit and I'm afraid.
This will happen to me a lot if I do something too much before sleeping. One time I woke up thinking my body was military strategy map trying to plot nukes on itself and figure out which yields would be the most productive for different targets.

It was the first day of health class(don't ask me why we were doing this there) during my senior year. Everybody in a class of thirty people had to stand in one corner of the room depending on their "communication style". The four options were emotional, people who agree with whatever the other person says, "contemplators"(people who don't have an opinion on most things and take a long time to think when asked for theirs') and outspoken(people who just say what they think point blank). Most people and every girl stood in the emotional or agree with the other person corners. A few annoying guys stood in the contemplator corner, all of which I later found out used reddit. And I was the only person who stood in the outspoken corner. I then had to explain, by myself, how great outspoken people are since nobody else was available. I know this sounds really stupid and unbelievable, but it actually happened.

>>26275
Well are you outspoken? If not then that situation is quite ironic (although why would you go to that corner then?)

>>26276
I am. What suprised me was that nobody else in that room identified that way.

Was walking around a park with a friend I had once and a gypsy woman wanted to read my fortune. I thought "Why the hell not?" and gave her a few coins to tell me. She said some generic/broad things, like that I'll have a very good future, but she had also mentioned something about getting me getting married to an American man. Coincidentally, when my mom had visited a fortune teller years ago and asked about me, the fortune teller had also told her I'd get married to an American man.

>>26275
Being outspoken is one of those things that outs you as an assertive person, which is a problem when people are expected to be more docile than ever before. The idea of strongly holding an idea that is your own is high heresy against the church of never failing to consider each and every point of view until you are convinced that yes, you SHOULD give up your own interests and ideals in deference of other people. I am not talking about any one specific example.

>>26298
And yet society idolizes and promotes outspoken people. The "free-thinking" outspoken man is revered in the media as a symbol of the American spirit, and more practically in the workforce it is those outspoken individuals who shamelessly take credit for others that will be given promotions.

>>26298
>>26301
Sometimes I don't know if I'm a weirdo for being unable to hold strong opinions, or I'm a normal for the same reason. It's confusing.

>>26301
>And yet society idolizes and promotes outspoken people.
It's selective with this. The only promoted ones are the people who state the "correct" opinion, the opinion most agree with that is considered the most socially acceptable.
>The "free-thinking" outspoken man is revered in the media as a symbol of the American spirit
This might be true of what some people think but in practice if the free-thinking outspoken man disagrees with the masses, even if his opinion is as American and logical as it gets, he will be absolutely despised. This kind of archetype just makes an interesting character but not always a well-liked person, especially now.
But you probably already know this.

I was at my middle school graduation, walking in a straight line with the others in my grade to the gym. This girl I talked to a few times in math class who was behind me suddenly said "Anon, nobody likes you". Not in a loud voice, but enough from me to hear. My initial reaction was confused disbelief. At that point, I remembered hearing she had done something similar before to another girl. I guess was that that's her "bullying strategy", waiting until the last moment to insult somebody so she wouldn't be reprimanded. The entire rest of the ceremony was left, so I decided to emotionally numb myself and disassociate from my surroundings.

We sat in rows in the center of the gym and would get called up one by one. We then had to walk to the front onto a stage, say our name in a microphone, and receive a t-shirt from the principal. Everybody that went up got an overly loud applause, mostly from their friends. I just waited and waited, totally out of it until they called on me. I went up and said my name. A lot of people didn't clap and the applause was noticeably quieter than other peoples'. I got the stupid t-shirt and went back to my seat.

Few years later, my highschool graduation was coming up. I decided not to go to it because of my previous experience, and this one would require us to go to school an extra day and do a whole rehearsal. Strangely enough, I was kind of friendly with the highschool gym teachers. I wasn't athletic or did any sports, but I talked with them fairly regularly. Maybe it was out of pity or something, but I don't know for sure.

While we were signing something for the graduation in our gym, I went up to them and explained I wouldn't be doing it and hadn't bought the gown and shit. They were genuinely upset. Like I was committing sacrilege. One of them basically ordered me go to the office and tell the people there I wanted to buy a gown. I did go there, but instead told them I wouldn't be doing it and they needed to mark me as being absent or something.

I let the guy know I did this via email later that day. He responded that he wanted to see me, which got me a bit nervous. So I went to the gym teachers' office and he was sitting there alone. Instead of getting mad, he got weirdly sentimental and started going on about how I had taught him so much, that some people wanted to live a "quiet life" and not everybody is interested in "exciting things". He almost seemed like he was tearing up, shook my hand and thanked me. I just stood there, in front of him, listening and feeling a bit uncomfortable. I said some polite words and that was the last time I ever saw him.

The school office expected me to physically go there to pick up my diploma, so I called them and told them to mail it to me instead. Got it a week later and put it in some closet.

>>26507
I had someone at a job say something similar to my face. Didn't mean much though, her opinion meant nothing to me anyway. Besides, this person wasn't exactly popular at this work site, I've had to listen to others endlessly complain about them while not giving two shits then either. Popularity means nothing if these people can't or wont do anything for you anyway. Might as well be told an ant doesn't like you.

To contrast the thoughtful posts, today I remembered the night where my dad hurriedly walked into my room as I was enjoying a nukige. There was the typical awkwardness and embarrassment, but that's expected and uninteresting. Instead, what impressed upon me was his remark (paraphrased): "Why do they look like aliens?" Later that night we watched a movie about aliens. I'm not sure if it was on purpose or not.

In fifth grade, I was standing around an empty hallway one day and picked up a quarter from the floor. A bit after, the principal came in from around the corner. I remembered it was his birthday today, so I gave him the quarter and said happy birthday. He was clearly uncomfortable and trying to act glad. I really enjoyed that.

A few years ago, I went through my older sister's things in her old room. These days, she's nice enough to me, but while growing up, she was a cunt to her immediate family, especially me. To her rotating circle of friends though, she was nothing except sweetness and light.

I found a lot of her writings from across her life. Elementary, middle and high school. Some of it was for class, some of it was like a diary. I wasn't mentioned in any of it. Our parents were there, not me. Not once. You'd think she was an only child.

Our mom says she does care about me, but I don't feel it. It's not that she's a "cold" person either. I think she has some tenuous sense of obligation to me, so she'll help me out with certain things, but there's no warm feelings.

Post edited on 4th May 2023, 10:11am

>>25323
I went to therapy in middle school and did not like it.

Because of it putting me in a bad mood, I created a safe space consisting of simply a blue metal chair on a concrete platform with cracked edges in a black abyss.

Years later after a nightmare where imagined flipping off a demon in my house, I remembered the concrete platform and now use it whenever overstimulation or simply sad moments occur

I saw my once upon a time therapist at Target while I was out with some people. He said hi to me and asked if I was still listening to the new Daft Punk album. It was embarrassing.

Ten years ago, right before 2014, I predicted it would be a "retro year", a year where people would be really interested in retro things. I was 12 back then.

sigh what the fuck happened?

>>28615
>a year where people would be really interested in retro things
maybe not retro, but the last few years have seen an increase in nostalgia-seeking

I remember back in middle school, my dad used to take me to religious school on the weekends with my brothers and I hated going there, so I used my flip phone with no wifi to take pictures of anime memes I thought were funny on the computer before going and look at them while I was there. This was in the early 10's. I laughed about this a few days ago to myself, but I thought why not remember it again.

My dad works in IT, and on the side he does some consulting for various vendors or something like that. When I was in high school, one of these vendors invited him and a +1 to an auto racing thing. Neither of use have an interest in that, but went anyway.

It was a hot day, but we were watching from a small ACd building with a perfect view of the track. There were all these free, little sandwiches and snacks too. Later on we met one of the teams, and saw their car up close.

What really left an impression though were the rows stacked upon rows of packed, outdoor sitting. Seeing all those dumbasses who paid to be there, and paid for food and drink on top of that, because they love watching cars go vroom vroom so much... while my dad and I, who are disinterested, were living it up. Somehow that made it 10x more enjoyable.

Post edited on 2nd Jun 2024, 11:40pm

I remember being in first grade. It was winter during class and the teacher decided we're going to have a snowball fight in the school's soccer field for recreation.
Out of all the children in the class I was the only one who didn't want to go outside and so I stayed inside the class room. At one point, this is pretty vivid, I went into the school's hallway and watched them play outside from a window. One of the kids hit the teacher with a snowball in the face and they were laughing and having fun together. I remember feeling melancholic but also oddly comfortable.
I think this is the first time in my life I realized something was "off" about me.

>>29208
that feeling when you underwent transformation from the guy who used to jump into fights headfirst to a shutin

It was much easier in my school, at least for me. I was ultra lucky to have parental connections that by a tiny thread were just enough to keep me safe from the most mindless scum, as long as I didn't get in the way. I never did. I just lived obliviously in my separate reality, only really interacting with people in school. Was different in late childhood though. I used to have some friends in local area, but lost them all along the way. I guess it was since I entered middle school that I started to loose interest in people and life for some reason. By the way the school was fairly civil in comparison to many others. I wouldn't call most teachers good by any measure, but they were sane, so at least they didn't think of order as of a joke.

I think I first faced bullying when eight or nine, or maybe seven. Don't remember. Guys messed my lunch. Don't remember how exactly. Something disgusting I guess. Teacher freaked out that my parents would make a stink, and did something to those guys. No idea what, but they fucked off. Lucky escape, you say. In hindsight, this kind of even nicely aligns with my personality right now. It was not nearly bad enough to plant genuine hatred in me. It was just bad enough to make me disgusted with people. Speculations, no doubt, but at least makes sense.

After that I only remember a few occasions from elementary school and the beginning of secondary. Mostly covert bullying. They would do something stupid, like make me fall incidentally and hit my head. Or maybe put some thrash in my things. Or maybe just starting a drama and making me the culprit. Again thanks to my luck, they wouldn't do something overly obvious. And again not nearly enough to make me hate, just feel disgust. I didn't feel this way at that time, I guess. I can't possibly remember. Just retrospect.

Yeah I did some fighting. Why not? Things got fixed later though. I was going NEET route and that doesn't include spending too many stat points on strength. My confidence waned, and I started to avoid conflicts by removing myself even further. Don't want to go on and sort out my memories. Just remember how I made friends with the wrong guy and he haunted me to the very end of the school. He had very shitty parents so I kinda get where his irrational hatred came from, but that doesn't make feel better about him. Having shitty parents is a really poor excuse for bullying me every fucking day. I'd kill him if he wasn't several times stronger. He didn't know how to fight at all. Was swinging his fists like a mad idiot. I wish I broke his face at least once, but lets face facts, people like me don't get to beat anybody up. He was also smart enough to not take things too far, didn't want trouble. He knew I'd never complain unless it got real bad.

Also, I don't really think these memories are relevant to the shaping of my personality anyway. I don't think yours are either. We just remember vivid impressions, but the true defining factors somehow almost always escape our notion. I think all of the things get processed and heavily compressed to mere reflexes, fixations, etc. The memory of the things that were the cause is lost, you can only guess how exactly you ended up like this. It's like were here are the only ones who were bullied. But I know one guy who went insane because of bullying. I don't mean literally insane. Bullying mutilated his mind in such a manner, that he decided to outdo all and every normalfag that has ever, does, and will ever exist. I'm fairly sure he's a miserable joke of a man, but look, he isn't a shutin, and he was bullied really bad. Why so? I guess there's more to it. A more fundamental reason why I lost interest in life. I don't mean what happens to me now. I am conscious now. I mean those subconscious fixations that stem from childhood. Can't really elaborate what I mean, sorry for this one.

Intended as a reply for >>29211. Writing this out makes me feel a bit stupid, because I feel like I assign value to things I never though much about. I think it's rumination. I am fairly sure saying things like
>I will probably never fully recover
is a fundamental mistake. I can understand why you'd say it when after plunging in the depths of depressive emotional instability. But your primary effort should be directed towards removing all and every notion of these thoughts. Good news is that after a while it will start working. Bad news not unless you remove significant stress factors.

Cultures of honor are retarded. I'm sure living in one of them is one of the reasons I became enchanted with Japan. I know they aren't innocent either and that the grass is greener on the other side but it just made me resentful with life in general.
Kind words begin to sound like platitudes and I have to remember we are flawed and focus on negative events more than the opposite. It's me.

Here's something random I remember: I used to get home from school before everyone and have the house to myself for around 3~ hours. One day, instead of continuing my first Dark Souls 1 playthrough, I decided to watch anime and it felt really good compared to the stress of playing that game. I never identified with being a gamer or any of that, but that experience helped cementing anime in general as one of my main hobbies for life. I thought I'd write something positive instead of the many negative experiences that came to mind when I first read this thread. I'm feeling better now.

>>29214
>Cultures of honor
What are you referring to by this?

>>29215
I used that term loosely after reading the recent posts above mine, don't read much into it. I'm familiar with that type of experiences too but I don't have it in me to blog about them right now.

>>29214
I'm confused, isn't japan a culture of honor? Do you mean culture of machismo or something?

Also that is a very cute picture.

>>29217
I was going to tell you to google it but after doing that myself, I think I used that term too loosely because I had a different idea of what it meant from hearing it out of context. Machismo sounds like a better descriptor for the overt types of power plays and retribution that I detest but I also had in mind the collectivist aspect of Japan; I'd much rather have a place in society by being useful and be left alone to do what I want in my free time as long as I'm not bothering others instead of having to navigate all of that.

>Cute picture
Yes, she looks squishy reading her mags. Since it's 2D, hugging her must feel better than whatever I can imagine.

Post edited on 4th Jun 2024, 12:20am

>>29218
yes the bad-side of "culture of honor" in Japan is that of "saving face". I mentally place it somewhere proximal to machismo in that in both cases you have some expected ideal in relation to society, but in their quest to conform people end up going over the top to appease the letter of the thing instead of the spirit.

And so you end up with things like some CEO of a company refusing to take responsibility because doing so would tarnish his image (loss of "face"), even though ironically accepting blame/responsibility would be the actually honorable thing to do. Similar to machismo, it gets perverted into people one-upping one another and picking fights just to show their "manliness". What is supposed to be virtuous is perverted into superficial posturing.