>>26187
>(and only) meaning of disco?
I'm not sure about the average American, but to me disco means the dated 70s music genre. I actually remembered it wrong, they call it a "discotec" I think. When I think of a place to dance, night club, ballroom and dance floor come to mind first.

>>26188
>but to me disco means the dated 70s music genre
The genre is presumably named after the type of music that would be played at a disco (at least in that era).

>>26183
You couldn't be more wrong. While wizchan is all about witch hunting and overreacting, and that made me hate the place, I just expressed my thoughts and advice, little else. If you feel like you really need to talk about that stuff or express your desires then you're free to do it if moderation is ok with that, I will never try to impose my beliefs in anyone since I lack what's necessary for that and I'm no one to say what belongs here and what not, at most I will discretely express an slight discomfort.

In highschool, I went on /co/ once out of morbid curiosity. While there, I got into an argument with someone about whether or not the "animesnob" is a good critic. Eventually, it got to the point where I would spend 30 minutes writing a reply and waiting 30 minutes for them to respond. Somehow, this lasted until 6am when I finally went to sleep. I think I got the last word in, but the next day the thread was already gone, so I'm not sure. For some reason, I still deeply regret participating in this. This wasn't a regular thing for me. I never went on /co/ again. Part of me thinks that I wasn't arguing with a person, but a demon whose sole purpose is to waste as much of humans' time as possible.

>>26191
That's a sick degrading behaviour and you should abstain from it in the future. I know that because I have done it in the past. I could get into the most stupid internet arguing for hours, and I never got anything positive from it, just annoyed others and myself. Since years ago I mostly avoid it and the sole thought of having anything outside a friendly conversation in good terms feels more and more nauseating with time.
I would like to say it's because I have matured but it's probably just my brain deciding to stop doing something stupid for once, a really diminished self-steem that makes me unable to stand an strong point on anything and being more appreciative on whatever time I have left. I still remember all that wasted time and energy with regreet and shame though.

>>26191
/co/ and places like it are sick. Shunning anime in favour of mediocre western cartoons is ridiculous.

>>26192
I've had prolonged arguments on the internet since then, but none have been nearly that prolonged or cut into my sleep. What makes it even worse is that I did it in a place I wasn't invested in to begin with.

>>26193
You consider anyone who has different tastes than you to be ridiculous?

>>26195
Generally no. It's that specific case that baffles me.

Lately I've been having fragments of memories of what I was specifically doing at the time I watched an anime I saw years ago. I was thinking about how I was sitting in bed watching the Galaxy Express film late at night even though I had a test in the morning and just not caring about that. That was probably about 8 or 9 years ago now and I guess nothing much has changed since then.

>>26196
What's different in this case? I can't see what's so sick about them having a board dedicated to the stuff they like.

>>26198
It's not that they have a board, it's the attitude that board has and how it spreads. I'm not explaining this well, but mostly my problems with the western cartoon/comic community is that they look down on anime and its fans a lot, and especially otaku culture related things. I suppose I'm perpetuating a cycle by just hating them back but I really do dislike them. This is kind of off topic for this thread though.

>>26199
I think it goes both ways.

Sometimes, when I spend an inordinate amount of time doing something, I can't go to sleep at night because I obsessively think about doing that thing and it's all I can see when I close my eyes. This doesn't happen every time, but sometimes, for whatever reason, my mind gets stuck in a horrible loop. Once I played Pokemon emerald for an entire day, like ten or more hours straight. At night I closed my eyes, but the game was still in front of me, so I spent the whole night tossing and turning while trying to think of something else.

This happened to me yesterday, but with math this time. I had been studying for an exam for three days, seven to nine hours each day. For some reason, it only happened after the exam. All I could see when I closed my eyes was numbers and nonsensical, impossible problems. My mind also made bizarre connections between my body parts, the blanket and math symbols. My left hand was an =, my head a 3x and my right hand a 4pi. I went through eight hours of this shit and I'm afraid.

>>26201
Being stuck in fight-or-flight. Trying to stop those thought loops makes it worse. Divert your attention onto something else.

>>26201
Yeah this happens to me too. With programming, math and games.
Last I remember was fire emblem and when sleeping I was nonsensically trying to get in a more comfortable position in turn based movement. I hate it.

>>26201
>>26206
This also happens to me, especially with math. When I was studying abstract algebra, I would sit in bed thinking about groups, fields, and polynomials for a long time before eventually falling asleep and dreaming of those same things. I think it is sometimes referred to as the Tetris Effect.

>>26201
>I can't go to sleep at night because I obsessively think about doing that thing and it's all I can see when I close my eyes.
I face this issue at well. When I lie in bed I still keep thinking about how to solve something or generally just pondering things. And then when I think of something I feel the need to write it down so I don't forget it, so I have to get up from bed and so it ends uptaking ~3 hours to fall asleep (which I suppose is still somewhat fortunate seeing as it seems it your situation is far worse).

The only thing that really works for me is trying to prevent those types of ponderings by avoiding mentally stimulating work and limiting myself to mindless things. But then I end up getting bored, so it's quite a hellish cycle. Perhaps I should work on trying to learn how to "clear my mind" as you mentioned in (>>36941). But the issue is I genuinely enjoy thinking about things, and sometimes I do indeed have solutions come to me while my mind is drifting as I'm trying to sleep (supposedly a noted phenomenon in hypnagogia. It also does indeed manifest in the "Tetris effect" as >>26210 mentioned).

In high school, there was this policy that students couldn't be upstairs during lunch. They could be wherever they wanted downstairs, but upstairs was off limits. As lunch was about to end, I was standing outside the stairwell among a crowd of people, waiting to go to my next class. Nearly everybody was talking to one or more other people. I was day dreaming.

Out of nowhere, at least in my memory, a kid who wasn't talking to anybody either came up to me and said something kind of embarrassing I can't remember, maybe a joking complaint about the wait or something. I knew he wanted me to respond with something, but I just gave a one word reply and barely looked at him. In my memory at least, he was kind of chubby and baby-faced. He then told me he was a sophomore and asked me what year I was. Senior. I think he was disappointed by that.

I don't remember if he said anything else, but I never saw him again. I never had classes with him or otherwise saw him before this either. Maybe I come across as mean in this story, but I disliked the vibe and connotations of the interaction. I didn't like how he assumed I wanted to talk to somebody or that my feelings were in any way similar to his own. Maybe I felt "preyed upon". I think he was trying to make a friend or something, but the interaction was objectively pointless. Even more so because I was a senior and like two months away from graduating.

What's funny is that I probably remember this better than he does.

>>25323
>she started talking about how Japanese people have a genetic propensity for cruelness
your mom sounds epic

>>26201
>My mind also made bizarre connections between my body parts, the blanket and math symbols. My left hand was an =, my head a 3x and my right hand a 4pi. I went through eight hours of this shit and I'm afraid.
This will happen to me a lot if I do something too much before sleeping. One time I woke up thinking my body was military strategy map trying to plot nukes on itself and figure out which yields would be the most productive for different targets.

It was the first day of health class(don't ask me why we were doing this there) during my senior year. Everybody in a class of thirty people had to stand in one corner of the room depending on their "communication style". The four options were emotional, people who agree with whatever the other person says, "contemplators"(people who don't have an opinion on most things and take a long time to think when asked for theirs') and outspoken(people who just say what they think point blank). Most people and every girl stood in the emotional or agree with the other person corners. A few annoying guys stood in the contemplator corner, all of which I later found out used reddit. And I was the only person who stood in the outspoken corner. I then had to explain, by myself, how great outspoken people are since nobody else was available. I know this sounds really stupid and unbelievable, but it actually happened.

>>26275
Well are you outspoken? If not then that situation is quite ironic (although why would you go to that corner then?)

>>26276
I am. What suprised me was that nobody else in that room identified that way.

Was walking around a park with a friend I had once and a gypsy woman wanted to read my fortune. I thought "Why the hell not?" and gave her a few coins to tell me. She said some generic/broad things, like that I'll have a very good future, but she had also mentioned something about getting me getting married to an American man. Coincidentally, when my mom had visited a fortune teller years ago and asked about me, the fortune teller had also told her I'd get married to an American man.

>>26275
Being outspoken is one of those things that outs you as an assertive person, which is a problem when people are expected to be more docile than ever before. The idea of strongly holding an idea that is your own is high heresy against the church of never failing to consider each and every point of view until you are convinced that yes, you SHOULD give up your own interests and ideals in deference of other people. I am not talking about any one specific example.

>>26298
And yet society idolizes and promotes outspoken people. The "free-thinking" outspoken man is revered in the media as a symbol of the American spirit, and more practically in the workforce it is those outspoken individuals who shamelessly take credit for others that will be given promotions.

>>26298
>>26301
Sometimes I don't know if I'm a weirdo for being unable to hold strong opinions, or I'm a normal for the same reason. It's confusing.

>>26301
>And yet society idolizes and promotes outspoken people.
It's selective with this. The only promoted ones are the people who state the "correct" opinion, the opinion most agree with that is considered the most socially acceptable.
>The "free-thinking" outspoken man is revered in the media as a symbol of the American spirit
This might be true of what some people think but in practice if the free-thinking outspoken man disagrees with the masses, even if his opinion is as American and logical as it gets, he will be absolutely despised. This kind of archetype just makes an interesting character but not always a well-liked person, especially now.
But you probably already know this.

I was at my middle school graduation, walking in a straight line with the others in my grade to the gym. This girl I talked to a few times in math class who was behind me suddenly said "Anon, nobody likes you". Not in a loud voice, but enough from me to hear. My initial reaction was confused disbelief. At that point, I remembered hearing she had done something similar before to another girl. I guess was that that's her "bullying strategy", waiting until the last moment to insult somebody so she wouldn't be reprimanded. The entire rest of the ceremony was left, so I decided to emotionally numb myself and disassociate from my surroundings.

We sat in rows in the center of the gym and would get called up one by one. We then had to walk to the front onto a stage, say our name in a microphone, and receive a t-shirt from the principal. Everybody that went up got an overly loud applause, mostly from their friends. I just waited and waited, totally out of it until they called on me. I went up and said my name. A lot of people didn't clap and the applause was noticeably quieter than other peoples'. I got the stupid t-shirt and went back to my seat.

Few years later, my highschool graduation was coming up. I decided not to go to it because of my previous experience, and this one would require us to go to school an extra day and do a whole rehearsal. Strangely enough, I was kind of friendly with the highschool gym teachers. I wasn't athletic or did any sports, but I talked with them fairly regularly. Maybe it was out of pity or something, but I don't know for sure.

While we were signing something for the graduation in our gym, I went up to them and explained I wouldn't be doing it and hadn't bought the gown and shit. They were genuinely upset. Like I was committing sacrilege. One of them basically ordered me go to the office and tell the people there I wanted to buy a gown. I did go there, but instead told them I wouldn't be doing it and they needed to mark me as being absent or something.

I let the guy know I did this via email later that day. He responded that he wanted to see me, which got me a bit nervous. So I went to the gym teachers' office and he was sitting there alone. Instead of getting mad, he got weirdly sentimental and started going on about how I had taught him so much, that some people wanted to live a "quiet life" and not everybody is interested in "exciting things". He almost seemed like he was tearing up, shook my hand and thanked me. I just stood there, in front of him, listening and feeling a bit uncomfortable. I said some polite words and that was the last time I ever saw him.

The school office expected me to physically go there to pick up my diploma, so I called them and told them to mail it to me instead. Got it a week later and put it in some closet.

>>26507
I had someone at a job say something similar to my face. Didn't mean much though, her opinion meant nothing to me anyway. Besides, this person wasn't exactly popular at this work site, I've had to listen to others endlessly complain about them while not giving two shits then either. Popularity means nothing if these people can't or wont do anything for you anyway. Might as well be told an ant doesn't like you.

To contrast the thoughtful posts, today I remembered the night where my dad hurriedly walked into my room as I was enjoying a nukige. There was the typical awkwardness and embarrassment, but that's expected and uninteresting. Instead, what impressed upon me was his remark (paraphrased): "Why do they look like aliens?" Later that night we watched a movie about aliens. I'm not sure if it was on purpose or not.

In fifth grade, I was standing around an empty hallway one day and picked up a quarter from the floor. A bit after, the principal came in from around the corner. I remembered it was his birthday today, so I gave him the quarter and said happy birthday. He was clearly uncomfortable and trying to act glad. I really enjoyed that.

A few years ago, I went through my older sister's things in her old room. These days, she's nice enough to me, but while growing up, she was a cunt to her immediate family, especially me. To her rotating circle of friends though, she was nothing except sweetness and light.

I found a lot of her writings from across her life. Elementary, middle and high school. Some of it was for class, some of it was like a diary. I wasn't mentioned in any of it. Our parents were there, not me. Not once. You'd think she was an only child.

Our mom says she does care about me, but I don't feel it. It's not that she's a "cold" person either. I think she has some tenuous sense of obligation to me, so she'll help me out with certain things, but there's no warm feelings.

Post edited on 4th May 2023, 10:11am

>>25323
I went to therapy in middle school and did not like it.

Because of it putting me in a bad mood, I created a safe space consisting of simply a blue metal chair on a concrete platform with cracked edges in a black abyss.

Years later after a nightmare where imagined flipping off a demon in my house, I remembered the concrete platform and now use it whenever overstimulation or simply sad moments occur

I saw my once upon a time therapist at Target while I was out with some people. He said hi to me and asked if I was still listening to the new Daft Punk album. It was embarrassing.

Ten years ago, right before 2014, I predicted it would be a "retro year", a year where people would be really interested in retro things. I was 12 back then.

sigh what the fuck happened?

>>28615
>a year where people would be really interested in retro things
maybe not retro, but the last few years have seen an increase in nostalgia-seeking

I remember back in middle school, my dad used to take me to religious school on the weekends with my brothers and I hated going there, so I used my flip phone with no wifi to take pictures of anime memes I thought were funny on the computer before going and look at them while I was there. This was in the early 10's. I laughed about this a few days ago to myself, but I thought why not remember it again.

My dad works in IT, and on the side he does some consulting for various vendors or something like that. When I was in high school, one of these vendors invited him and a +1 to an auto racing thing. Neither of use have an interest in that, but went anyway.

It was a hot day, but we were watching from a small ACd building with a perfect view of the track. There were all these free, little sandwiches and snacks too. Later on we met one of the teams, and saw their car up close.

What really left an impression though were the rows stacked upon rows of packed, outdoor sitting. Seeing all those dumbasses who paid to be there, and paid for food and drink on top of that, because they love watching cars go vroom vroom so much... while my dad and I, who are disinterested, were living it up. Somehow that made it 10x more enjoyable.

Post edited on 2nd Jun 2024, 11:40pm

I remember being in first grade. It was winter during class and the teacher decided we're going to have a snowball fight in the school's soccer field for recreation.
Out of all the children in the class I was the only one who didn't want to go outside and so I stayed inside the class room. At one point, this is pretty vivid, I went into the school's hallway and watched them play outside from a window. One of the kids hit the teacher with a snowball in the face and they were laughing and having fun together. I remember feeling melancholic but also oddly comfortable.
I think this is the first time in my life I realized something was "off" about me.

>>29208
that feeling when you underwent transformation from the guy who used to jump into fights headfirst to a shutin

It was much easier in my school, at least for me. I was ultra lucky to have parental connections that by a tiny thread were just enough to keep me safe from the most mindless scum, as long as I didn't get in the way. I never did. I just lived obliviously in my separate reality, only really interacting with people in school. Was different in late childhood though. I used to have some friends in local area, but lost them all along the way. I guess it was since I entered middle school that I started to loose interest in people and life for some reason. By the way the school was fairly civil in comparison to many others. I wouldn't call most teachers good by any measure, but they were sane, so at least they didn't think of order as of a joke.

I think I first faced bullying when eight or nine, or maybe seven. Don't remember. Guys messed my lunch. Don't remember how exactly. Something disgusting I guess. Teacher freaked out that my parents would make a stink, and did something to those guys. No idea what, but they fucked off. Lucky escape, you say. In hindsight, this kind of even nicely aligns with my personality right now. It was not nearly bad enough to plant genuine hatred in me. It was just bad enough to make me disgusted with people. Speculations, no doubt, but at least makes sense.

After that I only remember a few occasions from elementary school and the beginning of secondary. Mostly covert bullying. They would do something stupid, like make me fall incidentally and hit my head. Or maybe put some thrash in my things. Or maybe just starting a drama and making me the culprit. Again thanks to my luck, they wouldn't do something overly obvious. And again not nearly enough to make me hate, just feel disgust. I didn't feel this way at that time, I guess. I can't possibly remember. Just retrospect.

Yeah I did some fighting. Why not? Things got fixed later though. I was going NEET route and that doesn't include spending too many stat points on strength. My confidence waned, and I started to avoid conflicts by removing myself even further. Don't want to go on and sort out my memories. Just remember how I made friends with the wrong guy and he haunted me to the very end of the school. He had very shitty parents so I kinda get where his irrational hatred came from, but that doesn't make feel better about him. Having shitty parents is a really poor excuse for bullying me every fucking day. I'd kill him if he wasn't several times stronger. He didn't know how to fight at all. Was swinging his fists like a mad idiot. I wish I broke his face at least once, but lets face facts, people like me don't get to beat anybody up. He was also smart enough to not take things too far, didn't want trouble. He knew I'd never complain unless it got real bad.

Also, I don't really think these memories are relevant to the shaping of my personality anyway. I don't think yours are either. We just remember vivid impressions, but the true defining factors somehow almost always escape our notion. I think all of the things get processed and heavily compressed to mere reflexes, fixations, etc. The memory of the things that were the cause is lost, you can only guess how exactly you ended up like this. It's like were here are the only ones who were bullied. But I know one guy who went insane because of bullying. I don't mean literally insane. Bullying mutilated his mind in such a manner, that he decided to outdo all and every normalfag that has ever, does, and will ever exist. I'm fairly sure he's a miserable joke of a man, but look, he isn't a shutin, and he was bullied really bad. Why so? I guess there's more to it. A more fundamental reason why I lost interest in life. I don't mean what happens to me now. I am conscious now. I mean those subconscious fixations that stem from childhood. Can't really elaborate what I mean, sorry for this one.

Intended as a reply for >>29211. Writing this out makes me feel a bit stupid, because I feel like I assign value to things I never though much about. I think it's rumination. I am fairly sure saying things like
>I will probably never fully recover
is a fundamental mistake. I can understand why you'd say it when after plunging in the depths of depressive emotional instability. But your primary effort should be directed towards removing all and every notion of these thoughts. Good news is that after a while it will start working. Bad news not unless you remove significant stress factors.

Cultures of honor are retarded. I'm sure living in one of them is one of the reasons I became enchanted with Japan. I know they aren't innocent either and that the grass is greener on the other side but it just made me resentful with life in general.
Kind words begin to sound like platitudes and I have to remember we are flawed and focus on negative events more than the opposite. It's me.

Here's something random I remember: I used to get home from school before everyone and have the house to myself for around 3~ hours. One day, instead of continuing my first Dark Souls 1 playthrough, I decided to watch anime and it felt really good compared to the stress of playing that game. I never identified with being a gamer or any of that, but that experience helped cementing anime in general as one of my main hobbies for life. I thought I'd write something positive instead of the many negative experiences that came to mind when I first read this thread. I'm feeling better now.

>>29214
>Cultures of honor
What are you referring to by this?

>>29215
I used that term loosely after reading the recent posts above mine, don't read much into it. I'm familiar with that type of experiences too but I don't have it in me to blog about them right now.

>>29214
I'm confused, isn't japan a culture of honor? Do you mean culture of machismo or something?

Also that is a very cute picture.

>>29217
I was going to tell you to google it but after doing that myself, I think I used that term too loosely because I had a different idea of what it meant from hearing it out of context. Machismo sounds like a better descriptor for the overt types of power plays and retribution that I detest but I also had in mind the collectivist aspect of Japan; I'd much rather have a place in society by being useful and be left alone to do what I want in my free time as long as I'm not bothering others instead of having to navigate all of that.

>Cute picture
Yes, she looks squishy reading her mags. Since it's 2D, hugging her must feel better than whatever I can imagine.

Post edited on 4th Jun 2024, 12:20am

>>29218
yes the bad-side of "culture of honor" in Japan is that of "saving face". I mentally place it somewhere proximal to machismo in that in both cases you have some expected ideal in relation to society, but in their quest to conform people end up going over the top to appease the letter of the thing instead of the spirit.

And so you end up with things like some CEO of a company refusing to take responsibility because doing so would tarnish his image (loss of "face"), even though ironically accepting blame/responsibility would be the actually honorable thing to do. Similar to machismo, it gets perverted into people one-upping one another and picking fights just to show their "manliness". What is supposed to be virtuous is perverted into superficial posturing.