I don't want to be like this anymore.

why do I feel a deep sadness when my family members express their love for me

why does every memory of my childhood come with sadness even if it is a good memory

>>25707
I would like to know this as well.

>>25707
Regret maybe, I feel a bit like that sometimes regarding my siblings. They have turned out as horrible adults and I feel sad that this has happened and regretful that I didn't do something to stop it(if I even could).

I wish I could escape this recurring nightmare and just dream forever.

So much confusing emotions, among which there is fear. It's been a harsh period, sometimes it really is better to live without hope and in oblivion than with. Change can be suffocating.

I really should not be thinking "Why don't I just kill myself" while looking up laws for firearms.

>>25695
Well, the last one was this. I work as a farmer. A few weeks ago I used steel rods to mark where the water pipes were in some of the fields. Apparently I forgot to remove two of them, and when the thresher started to, well, thresh, the rods got caught up. Nothing serious happened, they just had to stop and remove the rod. But it could have happened, and it was a dumb mistake because all I had to do was count how many rods I had collected.

I was reading up on Hypothermia. It doesn't sound like a bad way to die, often people experiencing it say they don't even feel scared even though they know they are dying(and the fact that they don't is actually what does scare them) it's just like drifting off into a coma. I might even be able to make it less of a bother if I was to down some spirits tricking my body into feeling warm and also getting me to fall to sleep at the same time, then I would just not wake up.

That's if it gets much worse, the problem is that I am so close to fixing everything, so close. The end is in sight but there is a chasm that I need to leap first and things just keep getting in the way of that, it's like a cruel joke where I am living in my own personal hell but the gods dangle salvation just outside of my reach and every time I get closer to it they raise it up just a bit more. Almost as if they want me to not kill myself, they want me to be as miserable as possible while not quite being at the point where I would kill myself.

>>25716
I remember a particular case of suicide by hipotermia by a girl who just left his house in a really cold winter with only a bible and climbed a mountain for long hours until death claimed her.
It's not something I would consider because you will feel fucking cold until you get numb, they could found you and suffering necrosis in parts of your body seems really awful.

You should live or die by your own will and power. If you start thinking there's superior beings that are determining your existence you will lose control of your life.
If you need to believe there's gods and other entities maybe it's better to think they are so powerful, enormous and probably evil that they wouldn't care to bother something as insignificant as us.

I've been bitching about the same things and promising suicide for more than a decade. Everything has only gotten worse and somehow I'm still not dead. wwwwwwwwwww

>>25729
Killing oneself is pretty hard.

>>25730
I didn't think about that fact until I was some months away from doing it. You can spend years thinking about it, fantasizing, wishing for it, but when you start planning it seriously, looking for methods and having time limits it becomes something completely different.

>>25716
>I am so close to fixing everything
How does one fix everything? I need to know.

At this point I would be spamming the board because I think about it every day. I'm sick of existence.

I stumbled on a paper arguing that my chosen method is probably a painful way to die. It's funny, a few minutes of agony is a drop in the bucket compared to what I can expect from living on, but now I'm already writing off all the progress I made as a loss. If I didn't know any better I'd think I wanted to live!

I finally got myself a job. The first real one in almost half a year. But I fucked it up within the first week and I seem to have gotten myself fired now.
>Duplicate file entry detected.
Ah, funny that. Even my past self mocks me from within this very thread. Fitting.

The future is so fucking bleak, why bother living through it.

>>25782

The void that is routine gets larger and larger. I remember when I was younger I'd get upset and rage or cry about stupid things but at least then I had enthusiasm for life, and enjoy the moments I did have fun. Even on my days off a lot of things honestly feel mechanical...

>>25798
have you tried introducing some positive changes in your life?
For me, getting into sports and keeping myself occupied with various projects like programming, translation work, doing historical research etc. has kept me mostly free from suicidal thoughts for the past couple of years.

>>25799
for clarification: by 'getting into sports' I don't mean watching football or whatever, I mean doing calisthenics, biking, juggling, DDR, hiking and so on by myself.

>>25799
>have you tried introducing some positive changes in your life?
No I never thought of that thanks

I think I'm developing arthritis in my hands. I can feel the pain as I am typing this. I always knew that there is not enough to "ground me" in this world to make me put up with something like chronic pain, and that as I age, my body would deteriorate and eventually drive me over the edge into that dreadful abyss. But I thought I still had a decade or two to go before it would get bad.

生きる意志が全くないくせに死ぬのだけはごめんだという。

生きる理由が全くないくせに死ぬのだけは怖いという。

生と死のどちらも選べずに境界の上で綱渡りだ。

心が伽藍堂にもなるさ。

Guy who deleted his post... I liked what you wrote it was lyrical.

I'm planning on buying 4 100mcg/h fentanyl patches to kill myself. I bought $600 worth of bitcoins but I need to verify my ID with coinbase before I can send it to my electrum bitcoin wallet. Turns out my state ID had expired on june 2020 so I renewed it online. Once my ID comes I'll complete the verification, transfer the bitcoins to my electrum wallet, and finally purchase the fentanyl patches. The seller is in germany and I live in the USA so it'll have to pass through customs, but I doubt 4 small and sealed fentanyl patches in a bubble envelope will raise any red flags.

I'll have to wait for the packet to arrive and then I can die a peaceful death. I have zero tolerance with opioids and I have never done any recreational drugs, so the lethal dosage will likely be lower. If only my ID had not expired I would have ordered the patches already, and now I must wait around 2 weeks for my ID to come...

If anyone is serious about suicide I would recommend fentanyl patches. From my research it's probably the most reliable and peaceful way to end your life, but just make sure that you don't have any opioid tolerance.

>>25865
coinbase lets you buy bitcoins without an ID but makes you provide one to actually get the thing you've paid for? That sounds like some bs.

>>25866
I know. This is actually my first time using cryptocurrencies. I never had any need for it in the past.

You'll need some identification when you make a coinbase account like the last 4 digit of your SSN. But, in order to send and receive cryptocurrencies you'll need a photo ID card. I don't have a driver's license, but I do have a state ID. Unfortunately it was expired. Anyways I can wait. After all I've been through I can wait a few weeks.

>>25865
> I doubt 4 small and sealed fentanyl patches in a bubble envelope will raise any red flags.
Just double check the seller you're buying from is reputable I guess. I haven't followed the dark web drug scene since Silk Road was last taken down, but I'm assuming the reputable sellers have worked out a way to evade customs. On the other hand, I've read that Fentanyl from China has become an increased concern to the DEA. I don't know why they go to such lengths to prevent legal assisted suicide (rhetorical question: society has decided that it's in their collective best interest to keep people around as long as possible to have a larger labor pool).

>>25865
>>25868
Please keep in mind that the rules still apply. >>/r/13

I'm just so tired

>no cute girl to bring meaning to your life

Please don't misuse quoting function.

I don't know what is it about today, I think I'm getting the Christmas blues earlier.

FUCK
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

So umm, what's wrong?

I live in townhouse, my neighbours are a couple with 2 young girls from what I can tell. For past 3 months or so I hear alot of noise from them. This month I can hear them almost daily. It sounds like someone stomping on the wall next to my room and I can feel my room shake. Doesn't sound like sex, sounds like someone running up and down stairs but the banging lasts over an hour sometimes. I've put my ear to the wall like 20 times. I always hear a little girl screaming. Once the father kept yelling, "NO NO STOP". Except for one window on the 2nd floor, they always have their curtains shut even the small basement window. They have 2 black cars, a sedan and a minivan with tinted windows. Often guy in a small black sedan with tinted windows comes to visit them. Two other cars too, they seem to have guests at least once a week.

I've thought about calling the police. What if it's child abuse? What if the kid is making noise to call for my help? What if they're selling the girl's bodies for money and the visitors are customers. My thoughts gets worse as I keep thinking about the situation over there.

Today I woke up twice from an afternoon nap to my room shaking due to my neighbours' wall stomping. I pressed my ear to wall few times and hear a little girl screaming along with the stomping. My room lit up as their black minivan left the driveway. Maybe the father went out. Fuck it. I decided nows the time to go ring their door, see what happens and than decide to call the police or not. This is pretty big for me who is a low profile socially withdrawn neet with aneixty who doesn't want to bother anyone.

So I go over there. I notice they have two cars parked on the curb. I ring the bell. Four 7-12yo kids run to the door to look at me. They look happy and giggly. One of them says, "I don't know him". A middle-aged man on the phone walks over, looks at me and walks away. Two older ladies walk over and say hello. Nothing sad is going on here. This is just a normal family with noisy as fuck kids. They're enjoying a happy New Year party with friends/relatives. I tell them "I heard alot of noise... uh I live next door... (she didn't hear me)... I live next door... is everything okay?". She nods and says "yeah". I nod back, turn around and walk away.

Here I am, back in my room alone on Christmas and New Years wasting my life behind a computer screen while so much happiness is on the other side of this wall. I'm depressed on the verge of tears right now. I don't remember the last time I felt emotional enough to cry. I feel a bit better after typing this out.

>>26278
Do you have a landlord or something to complain to? That's sounds annoying as fuck. I couldn't stand one week, let alone 3 months of that shit. It's also weird that a family with enough money for all those cars would live in a townhouse.

>>26278
Good on you for having the courage to at least see what was going on! Especially speaking them to person – that's something I don't think I would have had the courage to do (I can imagine a scenario where I would have called the police and it would have made the situation 10x worse since it's a false alarm as you noted).

But if the noise is indeed bothering you, maybe just drop a polite note in their mailbox or something.

Post edited on 1st Jan 2021, 7:34pm

>>26282
This is weird but did the thread disappear from /so/?

>>26285
Bumplock

what is it about me i wonder

>>26278
You're a good person. If you were living in the 2D world (read: just world), you would have gotten a loli for your troubles.

>>26278
I find incredible how some people can be so extremely noisy. Last neighbours I had was like having three horses on cocaine going free into the roof, current neighbours are a family of sandniggers that don't work or do shit and literally spend all their waking time screaming at each other in the most loudest way possible. I also suspect there could be some domestic abuse there but I don't even care and I just would like them to shut up for once. All that while having to deal with the noise in the street, even with a curfew there's people screaming in the streets in late nighttime.
What I don't get is why you feel depressed, you avoided having that shit in your house, what's the problem? If something, having to deal with noisy humans depresses me because it makes me understand how living with people is hell, how I live in a culture I'm completely alien from, how I'm never going to get used to.

>>26290
>having to deal with noisy humans depresses me because it makes me understand how living with people is hell, how I live in a culture I'm completely alien from, how I'm never going to get used to.
Same, it makes me think the world is inherently ugly. The alienation part is the worst.