I remade this thread after procrastinating for over a year or two. I don't even remember how long it's been since the last one got put on auto sage.

Today my mother told me that she has a tumor.

>>20398
That's terrible, man. Is it operable at least?

>>20398
Well, she's going to the doctor to find out if it is. She didn't really tell me too much about it and I didn't really ask too much about it since I was kind of shocked with how she just somewhat casually told me the news. It also doesn't help that I don't know too much about this and don't know what to say or ask about. This was just unexpected.

I'm not sure what to do. I know that I can't really do much, but I just want to do something to help.

I'm going for a walk now. I feel like I'm going insane if I don't go out. I just need to achieve something even if it's short walk.

>>20402
I feel the same. I have this constant feeling that I need to get the fuck out of my house and of my computer lest I wish to go insane. I can't take my life living with my brother at home, so I think I'll go run somewhere or something tommorow to let this pent up stress away.

Walking seems like a really awkward thing to do for me. There's just nowhere around here to go to.
Sometimes I'd really enjoy a nice stroll to the convenience store if I had $2-8, even if it was 2AM.
But nowadays I'm always broke.

I have the fear that I am becoming retarded. I can still function, but I just feel that I'm not as sharp as I used to be. I don't even drink all that much or do too many drugs. I also read a lot and try to write intellectual stuff.

I just feel that it is all a waste. We all try to work towards something, only to discover in the end that there was nothing to work for. Of course, most people never escape the delusion, which is ironic because I'm clinically psychotic and yet I can see life for what it actually is.

All I did...the writing, the reading, the working, the obtainment of an advanced degree, for nothing. Not even a livelihood. Oh well, I can still enjoy the small things in life, as well the interesting things that happen through sober sleep states.

>>20411
Being psychotic usually means you're not thinking straight.

Actually he sounds reasonable to me, l have been diagnosed with other mental disorders and used a lot of prescription drugs as well so l can relate to some extent.

One thing that l have noticed is that not even the doctors can effectively treat most mental conditions, in the end they just switch from one drug to another like if patients were guinea pigs if something doesn't go as planned.

It's yet to be found how the brain works in plenty of areas, one of the main reasons why mental health is such a huge problem.

Just because someone is psychotic, doesn't mean that they can't have any valid thoughts. People often use such conditions as labels that define people absolutely, but not everyone is absolute in constitution. Labels are really nothing more than an abstraction, and usually ones that aren't very accurate.

>>20414
No, of course not. But you do know what it generally means to be psychotic? The irony might not be so thick. Ask him if he still thinks this way when he's out of the psychosis, if he remembers.

I'm getting more racist and sexist by the day. I know it's socially unacceptable and stupid, but I can't reverse it. I just want to stay inside and play video games all day.

>>20421
You're not the only one. This is an imageboard after all. And socially unacceptable is the main dish here.

>>20421
The internet usually lets you see people for what they are since they usually don't feel the need to wear their 'masks', so you can actually get a feel for what people truly are and understand just how awful most people are.

Well I start working tomorrow after a year's worth of doing nothing. I'm starting to notice that I visit this website less often, and that when I do, I feel more distant to the majority of you posters than I used to before. Whenever I visit /mai/, I just feel like I can't post there anymore, the ideas there just seem so foreign to me. I've been lurking and posting on and off there for a very long time, I think since 2011 I believe? And now I've self excluded myself since I don't want to rile anyone up. My relationship with my waifu has strained and I know that it's because of my living conditions and what's expected of me from my family. I know at this point in my life, I can't become "normal", a term I dreaded since I graduated high school, but I feel like the side of me which feigns being normal is taking over the more mentally conscious side of me, and that it is the only way to ensure I survive. I've taken steps to try and keep this part of me that I've held dearly while trying to become a healthy independent individual, but I think these two sides of me just can't coexist. I've often fantasized about being a financially stable (maybe even rich) person who is socially acceptable and has the same hobbies and goals I have now-- but that just seems impossible at this point. I'm just not sure what to do anymore, I just wanted to post my thoughts and let whatever is waiting for me in the future to let loose. I guess this is the standard procedure for "growing up". And I don't like it at all.

Stay inside.

Today is the day. I finally feel inspiration to-

No, stay inside. You know how it is to be out there with everyone staring at you like you're a creep. Your trashy clothes don't help.

Stay inside. Do not fall for the trap of thinking there is something out there for you. Life is better when you block out the real world.

Stay inside.
Stay inside.
Stay inside.

>>20429
the idea of society being full of braindead "normals" who are the opposite of Tohno-channers was incoherent to begin with. sounds like the cognitive dissonance has finally caught up with you.

>>20429
This is me, a couple of years ago. To comment on your concerns: you can most certainly have a foot in each world. In fact, if you go out of your way to conform to everything you believe to be "normal" activities and views, you might just break down. Yes, some parts of me did fade away, but in this new situation it was changes for the better. It came very natural to me. Am I now a normal person? I don't know, but I'm certainly a better person.

>>20432
You're putting words into his mouth, don't be so hostile.

>>20430
what's your story

I would just like to share a funny realisation, if only to get it out of my mind.

I have been depressed for over a decade. Due to spending most of my free time on imageboards during that period with very little IRL socialising, rather than viewing myself as mentally ill I thought I was actually pretty ordinary since everyone on the chans is depressed too. The misery feedback loop went full circle. I mean, it's obvious but I just realised how much I've underestimated the effect. I spent most of my crucial brain-development time wallowing in misery and seeking out others who do the same. So depression isn't an anomaly for me, it's the default state. To me, being happy would be a disorder. If I woke up happy I would think: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? And I actually thought this was totally normal. I assumed most ford drivers felt the same but just hid it better. I only recently discovered I am the weird one.

I also would like to make a list of some activities I've started during my life, which were sabotaged by depression and laziness. Hope I'm not being annoying.

>Programming/web development
I got into programming around 2003, I was in my early teens and after school I'd go home to learn HTML, Javascript, played around with C and Python. By around 2006 I had stopped and forgotten everything. Today in 2015 I am completely computer-illiterate. I have never used Linux. I spent most of my waking time in front of a computer yet I'm fucking clueless with how they work. If I had stuck with my earlier pursuits I could have had a great hobby for life and maybe even a great career.

>Music
We had a very old electric keyboard around the house. I was around 12 years old when I first started trying to learn it seriously. My family was poor as dirt so I didn't take lessons or anything, what I'd do is find MIDI versions of my favourite anime and game tracks, then open them in a program I had at the time (forget the name) which opened MIDIs and showed the sheet music for them. At the bottom of the screen it had a keyboard and showed which keys were being pressed. I sat in front of the screen with my keyboard, very uncomfortable posture, and followed each song note-for-note, painstakingly rewinding and going over it again, for HOURS on end. I was terrible, naturally, but the feeling of satisfaction when I could play something even halfway through was amazing. Eventually after a few years I got okay, not "good" but I could play passably if there was a piano around. In high school I practised on the music department's piano during lunch breaks which had the added benefit of giving me something to do over lunch besides sitting in the toilets alone. A teacher heard me and gave me some lessons during this time, which was useful.

I quit around 18, not sure if this was depression or just apathy. Nowadays my data entry wageslavery has given me so much RSI and borderline carpal tunnel I probably couldn't play without pain.

>University
This one is obvious for us. I tried it out at 18. My depression spiralled downwards to the lowest fucking point ... imaginable? I'd say imaginable but before those days I couldn't have imagined how low it can get. Dropped out, spent around 6 months as a shut-in alcoholic at home, began to develop some psychotic symptoms. Eventually forced into a job.

>Japanese
Began in seriousness around 17. Got around halfway through Heisig's Remembering the Kanji, got a decent understanding of grammar etc, could understand most spoken language, then once again just quit. This one fucking stings.

There's loads more but I forget right now.

Now here I am, approaching mid 20s, minimum wage slave, absolutely no viable skills, no real hobbies anymore besides mindless consumption, nothing getting me through the days besides inertia. It just amuses me, looking back. I was so inquisitive, thirsty for knowledge, always into something. And then it stopped, time and time again. And now my brain is nearly at the end of its development, and I'm dumb as fuck. Not sure if it's the alcohol's fault but I am seriously fucking stupid now, I forget things easily and lost my train of thought halfway through speaking. If I'd only kept going with ONE thing, I could've had something really worth living for right now. Instead I have no interest, no motivation for anything, I feel like a dried out leaf on a tree. Everything is grey, bland, monochrome.

>>20437

After writing this I realised something further. My interest in playing music declined around the time youtube was gaining its full popularity. I wonder if seeing all the highly accomplished prodigies on there contributed towards my quitting. Nevermind classical even some of the guys just playing video game music were incredible musicians. I always suffered chronically from comparing myself to others. I wonder to what extent I would've just kept pushing on alone if I hadn't been able to see how much further some other people were and thought "what's the point?"

But it's the same old story, of course we all think "if only I could go back knowing what I know now". You learn too late.

>>20437
Yeah, I realise now that imageboards are incredibly toxic. They affected my mental development more than I was ever aware of at the time. It's too late for me now. My life is FUBAR thanks to general neglect and avoidance of real life. My brain is void thanks to mindless imageboard browsing. As for the depression, well, I think imageboard addiction is both a cause and a symptom of it. For some time I thought I was just anhedonic by nature, but that's not the case at all because I remember being happy as a kid, I know what happiness is. I hope I can experience happiness again before I die.

>>20439
you know what to do

>>20440
Quit imageboards? I'm trying, but they are my only social interaction and I'm pretty dependent on them.

Imageboards aren't necessarily that bad, there's a reason why normals have infiltrated most of the chans without ever becoming one of us. They just have tons of other things they do so this would never become an addiction for them.

Personally I don't think I'm even addicted anymore. I started to hate what chans had become so much I gradually moved away from all the boards with such high posting rates that could be considered "addictive".

To be honest even if I have spent all my life in front of the screen, these days normals just might have a worse Internet addiction than me. After all their beloved social media seems to be a really big deal for them and I see my siblings browsing their smart phones all the time. I dislike the current Internet so much I would actually like to see it fall down. I bet they'd have harder times getting used to staying without it.

>>20442
I remember how I used to be so hooked up with browsing 4chan to the point where I couldn't stop even when I realized was absoutly loathing it. I remember just sitting in my chair, feeling competly dead inside just browsing the same stuff over and over, desperate for something good. I wanted off of it but I couldn't. It was a legit problem

I still remember how I overcame it and went cold turkey, it's so Ironic and funny it amuses me to this day.

Going outside? Fuck no, that didn't do shit
Blocking the website? Haha that's a nice joke
Browsing another website instead? Yeah good luck on that
But staying home all day and not moving a inch because I just became hooked up on this new video game I got? Fuck yeah, all of the sudden, when I was done with the game, there was literally no urge to go to 4chan again, not even to post about the game itself. Easily one of the more memorable moments in my life.

I want help badly but I have no idea where to get it. I get panic attack when I have to talk to people so therapy isn't an option and I probably wouldn't be able to afford it anyway. My money is running out and I can still manage but I'm afraid what will happen once I'm completely poor. I have no hope for future and when I imagine myself in 10 years from now on I honestly can't see I'm even alive. It really pains me when I think that I'm turning 30 soon and my life is basically over because I didn't achieve anything. I can't even enjoy anime or other things I used to enjoy, I want to start using drugs but I have no idea where I start with that. I can see why Belgium now has euthanasia option for depressed people because some people simply have no hope and are better off dead, since the point of the life is to take responsibility of your own life and I'm not able to do that.

Don't think like that. I'm 31 and while I do miss being younger, I like my life now compared to how things used to be. Things can still be enjoyable when you are older. And this isn't the super-optimist bullshit talking here; my life doesn't have a lot going for it, either.

>>20454
>Things can still be enjoyable when you are older.
But if nothing is enjoyable now, do you think anything ever become enjoyable later? Even alcohol doesn't give me same enjoyment it used to give.

>>20458
Im in the same boat, i think its just depression that causes that.

I hope it is or im done for.

>>20459
>I hope it is or im done for.
Same. I can't believe that any healthy human would feel this uninterested in absolutely everything. What a sick joke my existence is.

Social workers called me this spring and I reluctantly accepted to meet them. I met two persons in job center and then a nurse once.

My NEET life was going pretty decently here in Europe but now I'm feeling stressed all the time. I thought I had forgotten what it feels to be depressed but I'm falling back into it. I already have a next meeting appointed, this time with all three of them, but I really don't want to go there. Probably better to be at least the smallest bit responsible and send them mail beforehand so they wouldn't wait for me for no reason. Easier for me too so they wouldn't call me again even though I wouldn't answer then. I'm so sad.

>>20459
yes it is a symptom of depression. but another reason you don't enjoy anime is because anime is almost all terrible. everyone grows out of it.

>>20463
We were talking about enjoying alcohol.
And im not a weaboo so i wouldnt know.

Post edited on 16th Aug 2015, 3:02pm

It seems that my life has entered a complete standstill recently. I'm no longer taking classes since, career-wise, I have no fucking clue what I want to do and I fucking suck at completing my GED. I just work a part time job and honestly I don't even know why I'm working other than to "save money". Anyone else feel this way? I know for sure that this money I'm earning will be used to supplement my future independent life when I will undoubtedly be kicked out by my parents, or when they die, but I don't think I can keep living like this. I'm not even sad, or at least I don't think I am. Depressed? Probably not. I just feel fatigued and lost, as if I were crippled crawling through dense fog. Working just feels like something I can't do mentally or physically. Every single work day feels like it's forever and I'm heavily fatigued by the end of it. I am aware that I'm not supposed to think of work as a chore, but I'm nervous and anxious about it everyday. I'm confused as to what exactly I should do.


On a completely unrelated note, does anyone feel better about typing their problems, and not actually posting it? I have a hard time actually posting stuff and spend most of my time here typing up long shit just to end up deleting it because I don't really take advice well and I feel very cynical about these things overall. It's a miracle I actually posted this.

>>20466
Yeah, I erase about 90% of messages I have written. If nothing else, you still try to understand your mind while writing even if you don't actually send it.

>>20467
I probably should do that.
I tend to write long posts and then i change my ideas or add new ones in the middle of it while trying to restructure it and in the end i make up a worse mess resulting in most of my post come off as non-coherent spaghetti.
And i tend to have somewhat shitty grammar at times and not finding proper terms.
Still i go ahead, but hey were in imageboards after all so who cares.

After the whole my-mom-has-a-tumor thing, I've noticed just how far I've gotten from life and things that have to do with living. I know that this could end very easily, especially if my mother dies, but I really enjoy being in this state of not having to deal with anything in life.

The tumor thing could be a serious problem, however, and I should probably see how things are going with that. But aside from that, I can ignore most of life easy enough... as long as I keep working out to keep horrible people away from ruining my delusional good time.

It'd probably be better if I just died.

I love my hikki life, but I wish I had more online friends. I'm beginning to grow distant with my one friend. I'm not sure what I'm gonna do. I just never really look for them, and my interests feel narrow. I'm just shy I guess.

>>20476
Well my anime consumption has been lacking recently and all I ever really talk about is the architecture of Windows NT (don't worry you just need to sit there and nod your head while I ramble) but if you're sure

Uh, do you use XMPP? I have skype but I never used it before. I mean naturally a basement dwelling neckbeard would use something as foreign as XMPP. Maybe we can just exchange emails for now.

>>20452
you really don't want therapy

>>20477
Are you straight from /g/ or something?

>>20479
I'm a kernel developer, I have transcended /g/

>>20480
A god among men

Post edited on 19th Aug 2015, 3:36am

>>20480
That was a joke by the way, I just wasn't sure if it sounded like one.
But really /g/ is nothing but children arguing over grafix kardz

>>20486
Since this is confession day I'll come forth and admit that I was partially joking as well. We make jokes in here!

I feel like my life is a VN, and I've already picked the bad ending even though the final part of the route is only getting started. Nothing actually looks bad yet, there's still that undercurrent of hope the ending will turn out well, but I know I already made my choice.

I pressed the button. Before reading the guide.

>>20501
Did you get an h-scene yet?

Nevertheless, there's something really deep in comparing life to some game where you boringly sit through meaningless choices and shallow dialogues in the vain hopes of getting satisaction through sex.

I took an emotional intelligence test and scored retarded on it. Part of my ideal in life was to be able to keep working like mad, drawing, writing or whatever like a machine and yet now I miss a lot of aimless silly time I just spent with old friends now gone even if I really couldn't carry a good conversation.

At the same time emotional intelligence probably leads to that normalness that many of us despise, not being free to do or think as you please and caving into pressures and norms. I guess another alternative is to have both in a sense and become a manipulative psychopath...

>>2046
I feel you. Though we all from different situations, work is a crazy thing. It feels like getting waterboarded and that's the most accurate description I can give. No idea how the rest of the world can pulls that shit off, going 8-5 everyday and most of all, accepting it as normal. I've been evading/looking for a job for years. Been playing it in a way I won't get kicked out of the house, but won't fall back down into a depression and drinking habits either. Somehow it looks like the end's in sight. Accidentally blessed myself with another half a week by getting in an accident, but after that I'm outta luck.

Anyway, back to your struggle, and I've been saying this to multiple people enduring a similar feeling, loathing your job or your place in everyday life as a whole must have a reason. If you can trace it back to the roots, maybe there's a chance of turning it around and getting yourself in a more favorable position. Like what do you concretely hate about it ? And is there a way to alter that by finding an alternative you can push through the world's thick skull ? Putting it differently, if there's people making a living sending glitter envelopes to a victim selected by some guy with 10$ in his hands, or pop stars can get away with singing hollow music on top of a hollow production and fork in millions, there should be ways for us to survive too. Why can't we play the system like 'half the world' does nowadays ?


>>20514
>I miss a lot of aimless silly time I just spent with old friends

There's your emotion. You're not retarded, fuck that test.

>>20524
The test more measured things like empathy and saying or doing the right things in work and social situations rather than if you were actually capable of feeling emotion.

>>20527
That's just the fancy paper they wrapping their test in, sure. Let me ask you this, how legit or genuine does the average person at work or a social situation feel to you ? From my perspective, they move like the strongest personality present or not present wants them to. When a person is just 'weird' overall, it shows they might haven't figured everything out yet, but at least they didn't go with a premade template just to act like they did. That's a way of measuring emotion or, now that I'm on it, even humanity. Society 2k15 will never admit it like that, but out here it probably seems more reasonable.

>>20531
My old psychologist went to the length of saying that as well but that it's still something that people need to do. Still maybe a lot of things in life would be easier if I just turned my brain off like a normie in those situations.

Lately, I've been feeling the need to do as many things as possible as quickly as possible or to just multitask as much as I possibly can while paying attention to everything that I'm doing.

Sometimes it feels like I just can't pay attention to somethings and I just lose interest and have to stop or miss out on it. I have to set something else up to entertain me, though. I can't stop and I don't want to stop. I feel like I'm missing some things, but when I think about it, I can't really miss too much so I just let myself get indulged into this and time just flies by.

I'm not sure how to feel about this, but I just feel like I don't want to stop and that I shouldn't stop. Maybe I'm trying to get myself to avoid thinking about something.

I feel like I'm going to die very soon, and that nothing can stop it. Whether it be by my own hands or whatever else, it feels close.

I feel so lonely, I can't get close to people online like I could a decade ago.

I don't feel overly sad or happy about it, or anything though I guess what I really mean is I'd like to be young once more, even when I was a teenager I could delude myself with escapism. Now I'm approaching 24 and have been effectively dead for the past 8 years emotionally.

I'm in lust with a couple people I know online.
I'm not actually in love with my waifu.

I feel like this is just some weird awful situation I don't deserve to be in.

Often, I wish I had a waifu to love like I used to years ago. I miss being able to truly believe and trust in something, not to mention the obvious rather abstract but still very much present companionship.

Unfortunately, I know that is only a pipe dream, I'm much too bitter, cynical and old for that now. I could never love and trust in an ideal that 2d love represents again.

My hair has been thinning and falling out a lot for a some time now.
lately I'm finding small rashes around my body randomly popping up.
my back feels really screwed up, like it's held together with duct tape.
I think I may have an issue with erectile dysfunction, but I rarely masturbate anymore so it's hard to tell. Not that it matters much since I'll probably die a virgin anyway.
The inside of my nose always feels dry and irritated, I can't stop messing with it.
My eyesight is starting to fail me, much more so in my left eye for things in the distance. sometimes it hurts my head/eyes to focus on anything more than 20 feet away.
Lately my arms and legs would randomly go numb, not sure if it's diabetes or something else but it can't be good.
I eat almost nothing but fast food and microwavable dinners. I feel like they're slowly killing me.
Oh and I can't help but be an asshole to everyone I know, which is why I have no real friends and no one likes me. sometimes I think people at work give me dirty looks. I was lucky to get a job even a cardboard cut out could do in my place, but they say it's not going to last much longer. only got the job by lying about graduating high school and about spending the last few years as a NEET.
I think the only thing that keeps me going is tc. There's no silver lining in my life, nothing to look forward to, nothing ever chances and I can't enjoy anything anymore.

>>20717
> I can't help but be an asshole to everyone
how?

>>20718
Generally disinterest in what most people talk about. For instance I just got off work and my coworker kept me there for like ten minutes yacking away about random shit like she always does. I try not to say anything more than I need to to her to avoid setting off another one of her stories but sometimes she'll do it anyway. The whole time I was standing there listening to her thinking to myself "oh god just shut the fuck up already I don't care I just wanna go home." I try not to be a dick and say anything like that of course but I bet it probably shows. While at home I'm impulsively snippy with my mom when she calls me away from the pc to tell me something inane. I know she has good intentions with me and I want to be nicer to her but she's just so hard to talk with sometimes. That's largely due to her hearing problems. She mishears or doesn't hear 80% of what I say but gets upset with me if I raise my voice.
When I talk to people online I find it hard to take interest in the things they want to talk about, even when it's tc minded people. Feels like people only ever talk about the same stupid shit on repeat (which I'm sure I'm guilty of too). Conversations with people become really predictable and boring. Even with some people who I like talking to eventually they run out of things to say and just start repeating themselves with different wording. They'll then start telling the same stories again and again in different ways. Eventually they'll share their opinion with me again dozens of times over in randomized formats.

I don't go out of my way to be an ass to people, I think it just naturally comes out that way.
I used to go out of my way to be nice to people, used to be a real door mat too. I found this only served to get me taken advantage of and walked all over. It never got me anything decent so why should I bother. Now I just wanna be left alone to sit in my room all day while I wait to die.

I don't want to die but I want the pain to go away inside. This sucks, I don't even feel like I deserve to be sad in the slightest.

I suck at Starcraft. Not the absolute worst but still pretty bad. Life overall might still be fine, at least if viewed from the outside. Feels stuck in a rut, wanted to say I can pick up a new hobby and escape, I get completely lost in something out of curiosity and don't really make practical judgments as well. Have had much lower points in life I guess but I hope I don't get caught in a slump now that I'm in my 20s.

>>20743
I was about to ask you to play sc together but then chickened out. I'm neither good nor bad and don't really care about the other player's level.

For some reason I don't quite understand, these past few days I've been thinking and dreaming nice things about a certain 2d girl a lot. Now I'm definitely not going to say I found my waifu or that I love her or anything, however it's stopping me from thinking about depressing things and making me a bit happier, which is quite nice. I don't think it's going to last very long though.

>>20746
who is it

>>20747
Inazuma from Kancolle.
It's strange really, I have neither played the game nor watched the anime, but after seeing a few cute pictures of her and consequently reading up on her, I just can't get her out of my mind, she's just too adorable.
I guess I'll watch the anime soon to learn more about her.

>>20748
Have fun! I hope you find out things you like.

So, I saw a post on my University's website about how today is National Depression screening day, and it included a brief quiz to determine if you're depressed.

...I scored 9. (0-8 being not depressed, 9-16 being probably depressed, and 17+ being fucked up.)

...Should I talk to somebody? I've been feeling depressed for quite a while now.

I hate it when people are quick to judge based off the most stupid assumptions, memes and social trends nowadays especially make this bad. For fucks sake just because I like playing as a female in a video game doesn't mean I have an "obsession" for her or that she's my waifu.

Fucking hell I hear people say "waifu" all the time nowadays, you can't even have anything serious to do with a fictional character that's a female without having people joke on you or judge you about it. It just gets very fucking tiring on me when you want to have a serious discussion but can't because the person just HAS to assume that person is your waifu when you bring anything related about her in a semi serious tone.

Man, look at me, getting mad over the stupidest shit, but I'm glad to have gotten that off my chest. Fuck memes, my own brother can't talk in a comprehensive way sometimes because of them, and the majority of my friends sound like complete fucking morons most of the time thanks to them too.

Why do people sniff at me? Everyone, from gross middle-aged service industry hags to younger males and females feel it necessary to announce their recognition of my presence with a forced, audible inhalation.

I have absolutely no distinctive physical characteristics. I'm not physically unattractive, short or overweight. My clothing is well fitting and unobtrusive. I'm white, have a 140+ IQ and likely in the top 5% for wealth by age group. What am I doing to cause this behavior?

>>20752
People actually read university website news bulletins?

Here's a hint - depression is an invention of big pharma. How convenient that every existing human being perpetally exhibits its symptoms.

>>20766
Maybe you smell nice?

>>20766
I have the opposite problem, people keep breathing on me.

>>20766
they smell the evil of an angry white male

Post edited on 11th Oct 2015, 6:46pm

>>20766
Maybe you smell bad?
A lot of times people don't notice if they smell unless it's pointed out to them.

People can perceive smells differently based on genetics. You may cover yourself in deodorant and not notice it but to the person next to you you smell like armpit sweat.

>>20778
Sometimes I wish I could smell like pumpkin spice 24/7.

>>20776
>>20778
>>20768
The sniffs occur well outside of smellability range. It isn't a hygiene issue, nor is that how people would respond to one.

I assumed it was an emotional insecurity thing where sniffing acts as a signal of vague disapproval or contempt. The goal being to foster a sense of inadequacy in the person you're sniffing at. It's just such a childish, pointlessly insulting tactic that should never be applied by or directed at anyone over the age of 13. It's far too ineffectual and crass to be this prevalent; even in my extreme cynicism I don't understand it.

>>20783
Are you sure they're sniffing? Maybe they're just choking on something.

>>20783
Maybe your stank is long range.

I decided I'd pick up basketball again after years of not even holding one. There's a ton of inactive churches with hoops in my area so I can
happily practice in peace and solitude for the time being. Just kinda wish I had some person to shoot the shit with about non-forddriver stuff.

>>20786
Like in Space Jam?

>>20781
Then you would get swarmed with white girls.

>>20786
You could use those moments to practice making cool quotes while listing to songs like this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H7hiF7fXhLg
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uints81YYMc

You can have an excuse to say: "Omae wa mou dunkedeiru/slamdeiru!"

I think I talk too much.

So Google decided to shut down the account that I was using to play mobile games. I have no idea why and was given the reason that there was "unusual and suspicious" activity going on with it or something. I don't even use it to talk to anybody. I don't have any friends. Nobody should even know that I have that account.

I'm not sure if this was a mistake or if somebody is trying to mess with me. I don't know any people and I don't leave any information lying around because I try to be as careful as possible with any and all of my online information.

I just don't get it.

>>20802
That happened to me before with one of those special google apps for work accounts (not actually for work I just wanted a special e-mail address). I had it back within a week or so, no idea why they do it.

>>20804
Nope, if I buy anything, especially on mobile, I'm adamant on that decision and know that it'll be worth my while as I study on reason as to why I should want and need something that requires actual money. I don't regret getting any of the cute and/or sexy female cards in PAD and I don't regret buying any of the female KoF characters in Metal Slug Defense, even if two of them have been nerfed pretty badly (Yuri will always be my speedy glass cannon that fires Raio Kens at any unit heading towards my base <3)

>>20806
That is pretty strange. I've already tried to recover my account multiple times and even placed an awkward call once to support (I got so nervous that I actually forgot how to spell my account despite it being easy). They pretty much said that it'd take a while to fix and sent me an email to an account that I had made minutes before calling in hopes of restoring that old one.

A week is kind of long, but I hope that I get it back, even if it does take a week. I say this while only having 3 dollars on the account.

>>20802
Google has absolutely zero standards for it's staff, they can do whatever they want. There's quite a few stories of employees literally fucking with people and sending rude emails to their friends. Google is an extremely unprofessional company (Though if you use YouTube you don't need me to tell you that). This is why I ditched gmail a while ago.

I think people always think I'm trying to insult them or make fun of them because of my odd behavior or my manner of speaking. I think it happened with someone I knew through the internet and I feel very bad about it.

>>20836
I don't doubt it. I don't have faith in Google to do anything right, but I didn't expect them to have a ton of shitty employees to do whatever they wanted.

Either way, the account was only for mobile games since I needed one to use the app store if I'm not mistaken.

Anyway, it doesn't seem like I'm going to get it back. It just sucks that I'm losing out on 3 bucks.

I hate coughing.

>>20437
>The misery feedback loop went full circle.
I see a new TC slogan!

Anyone else automatically go to TC whenever they feel even slightly depressed? This is the first time I actually posted when doing so, just because I've noticed the pattern become more and more obvious. Every time I see or hear anything that makes me feel sad I just automatically go to TC and /so/. Very strange. Then I would look around or post and just leave feeling pretty good.

>>20853
Actually I do the opposite, I come here when I'm feeling fine but just bored.

I'm so close to offing myself. I'm so tired.

Everytime I try to improve myself physically I end up being both physically and mentally tired. I swear those who call for "jus getting fit" don't realize how bad this is for a neet who barely gets any joy from anything.

Also I should stop browsing imageboards, I can't get myself to do anything else when I get hooked on these... Moderately used these are funny and useful but man are these depressing when you have nothing else in your day, not even bothering to eat anything despite living alone.

I'm so fucking bored It's painful

Anyone else feel like they need physical pain to deal with emotional pain? Or maybe it's just a deterrent, something to keep my mind off of things. A very long time ago I used to cut, and I guess I got so used to it, I just don't know how to deal with emotional pain now.

>>20964
I just let the emotional pain fester until I started feeling it physically. It was pretty bad. It only got that bad because I was too stupid to accept the way reality works and just wanted to hold on to something "great". It was a waste of time in the end.

I don't feel that pain any more, but I know what it's like to cut yourself just avoid feeling something. It didn't work out, though since I just felt physical pain with the emotional pain and just made it worse.

Funny enough, the thing that ended up working for me is singing. It's silly and stupid, but I somehow managed to find a bunch of videos on people playing instruments or singing vocaloid songs, and it just became something that I do whenever I feel saddened.

>>20965

I just don't think anything like that would help. Anything I try, and the sadness just comes back rushing in even harder. I wish there was some kind of self-infliction I could do that doesn't leave marks or something.

>>20966
put icyhot on your dick
I mean hey I am helping. It's relatively harmless, even if it burns like million suns.

>>20966
Of course that's not going to work. I was just stating that it worked for me because I'm a selfish asshole that forgot about you for a bit and forgot to add that it likely wouldn't do much for you.

Anyway, I think that what I had meant by that is that there might be another way to go about dealing with this than just cutting. You've just got to find out what it is. I only found out because I was juggling through as many things as possible to find SOMETHING and anything to keep me distracted.

So yeah, I'm pretty much telling you nothing really important. Maybe I'm just telling you to not give up?

Man, I hate having to fake being miserable to fit in on this site.

>>20981
Then don't! I might be a worthless piece of shit with no friends and no job, but I enjoy life all the same!

This is the first time I've visited TC in about three years.

>>20988
What kept you?

>>20989
I fell asleep after making that post.

Tried to make something of my life for a while, but that ended up not working out. When I was doing that I felt like I didn't belong here anymore and stopped coming to this site. Then I got involved in other imageboards until I got sick of them. Now I'm back here, and it feels like I'm home again.

Homework and the fact that all efforts put into it only leads to more of it and eventually a job, is seriously making me want to kill myself.
Life is not worth working for.

I've become rather insomniac lately. As even my old usually infallible technique of thinking of cute 2d girls to get my mind off stress and get a good night's sleep has stopped working, I decided to try some natural herb sleep aid thing that supposedly works. I really hope it does, spending an obligatory 3-4 hours frantically rolling around before finally passing out from dizziness is rather annoying.

I hope it's okay to write this post here.

I'm curious if anyone knows anything about what it's like to apply for disabilities benefits in the US, esp. related to mental illness (depression, social anxiety). I don't know if it varies between states, but I live in Washington state in the Pacific Northwest if that makes a difference.

I don't want to be on medications because I've heard of their terrible side effects, but seeing as how I'm a suicidal fuckup who has panic attacks when in public sometimes I might as well get some money from the state so I can leech off taxpayers in general instead of just off my parents.

Sorry, I know I'm pretty pathetic.

>>21015
Check out "Uncle Remus' Guide", it's got pretty much a step-by-step.
The version I found is a bit shortened, but everything important is in there.
>http://pastebin.com/6u5nwBhK
Remember to seem more messed up than you actually are, but more willing to work than you actually are as well(remember, you should *really* want to work, but you can't).

Keeping with the topic of the thread, though, may I ask what made you start on getting disabilities? As in, what was the last drop.

>>21017
I've seen that guide many times over the years, but I don't really know how well it works so I would prefer to have someone's personal experience. Also, getting myself committed in such a drastic way is really a very frightening idea.

I'm about to "graduate" from "university" where I'm a "student", and I have "quotation marks" around those words because it seems not entirely honest to talk about myself as an actual university student when I don't interact with people, don't attend lectures, and grudgingly go outside only for exams.

My parents have been pushing for me to look for a job, while my depression and neuroticism have only been getting worse every year. I know that getting a job would just end up in me living a very unhappy life, being unable to have time to do the things I want to do (and I don't care about being "successful" in "normal" ways, like being financially independent, owning my own home, and so on and so forth). And I've worked in part time jobs or research assistantships throughout my time at university, and it's always okay for a while, but I really struggle with spending so much time around other people, and there's this certain sense of hopelessness and frustration that keeps building up -- and eventually I just quit. Or, no, I don't "quit" per se, because that implies that I actually engage in the formal process of leaving the job properly; no, it's more that one day something just ends up snapping in my mind and I end up going about my daily routine with the difference that I pretend I don't have a job. And then I just keep not showing up, and I don't ever look at the email account associated with that job anymore, and I avoid going to the geographical area where that job was located so I don't get reminded of it or run into those people again.

So that'd probably happen, except even faster with a full time job. I know it's fucking pathetic, and I know myself well enough than to think that it won't just recur.

So what do I do? Leech off my parents 100%, or leech off my parents X% where X < 100 and leech off the taxpayer base (100 - X)%? The latter sounds better to me.

>>21020
I'd say don't go for NEETbux, it's too much work. I think if you have enough motivation to go through the humiliation of getting it, you are not depressed. If you want to go the disability route, you'll have to see a doctor which will put you on pills, refer to a psychiatrist to see every week to talk about bullshit, etc. Oh, I should add that my experience is not American, so it'll be completely different for you, probably.

Although, honestly, if the next time I go see the doctor and they say, "there's been a complete change of system, I'll hook you up with The Bux right now", I would be incredibly happy. But if I have to go into the benefit office, I won't. I rather kill myself. Seriously the system is incredibly inefficient. You could easily automate it and skip all the meetings. They could rape you while you're in the waiting room to keep you occupied and it still won't be the most humiliating part of the day. I really hate them if you could tell. And thus, I don't recommend it.

But it really depends on how much money you use. If you don't have any expensive hobbies or you're not fat or addicted you should be fine leeching of your parents.

But anyway, you are far up the social and success ladder than I am, I dropped out of university after the first semester (after failing all classes). I would also be graduating soon if I didn't drop out, haha. So feel free not to listen to any of this.

>>21028
>I think if you have enough motivation to go through the humiliation of getting it, you are not depressed.
Maybe. Sometimes I feel motivated enough to look into it, but there are other days (like today) where I have trouble summoning enough willpower to do anything aside from stare at the ceiling in bed.

>Oh, I should add that my experience is not American, so it'll be completely different for you, probably.
Yeah. Definitely. That's why I really want to hear from someone American about this, preferably someone in the same state.

>But if I have to go into the benefit office, I won't. I rather kill myself. ... And thus, I don't recommend it.
I get it. Believe me, I get it. But I still feel driven in a corner.

>But it really depends on how much money you use. If you don't have any expensive hobbies or you're not fat or addicted you should be fine leeching of your parents.
Yeah. I suppose. But it would still feel sort of bad. Especially if I eventually need to make not-exactly-necessary-but-still-important purchases like replacing computer parts.

And it helps to guard against catastrophe, like the distant possibility of my family just outright disowning me and kicking me out or whatever.

>But anyway, you are far up the social and success ladder than I am, I dropped out of university after the first semester (after failing all classes). I would also be graduating soon if I didn't drop out, haha. So feel free not to listen to any of this.
That's fine. I don't really give a shit about the "social and success ladder" and haven't for a long time.

>>21028

"But anyway, you are far up the social and success ladder than I am, I dropped out of university after the first semester (after failing all classes)."

99% of the people in universities and colleges shouldn't be there in the first place because they're just opportunistic losers who treat education as a way to get a good job and make more money. Their thinking is as shallow as their personalities, and their understanding of the subjects they study will be mediocre or worse because of this.

As more and more schools transform into abysmal trade schools to satisfy (collect the money of) shallow consumerist fools, it becomes more difficult to get an actual education for people who prefer formal schooling to self-education.

I wouldn't feel bad about dropping out or never attending, for that and other reasons. Formal schooling is not for introverts in the first place.

I live in Idaho and I had my hearing in Spokane about three years ago.

You can get it, but it requires a disability lawyer 99.9% of the time, and it usually takes about two years.

I was hospitalized twice, although only for three days each. The first time did not help me get on SSI. What Remus said about it being your "backstage pass" is uneducated, at best.

About living on SSI: it is nice to have all the time in the world, but be prepared to think that most people will see you as a loser. Some don't, but most will. I think that some of this comes from jealousy, in that I don't have to work but they do. But the thing is that I actually do, but can't, at least not gainfully. I used to work two jobs every day and I still made less money than I do now (which isn't right at all).

You will need a therapist at least, that is true. Medication can actually hurt your case; when I first applied, they rejected my claim and said "Your depression is being treated with medication." Funny, because I'm only slightly depressed and I wasn't taking anti-depressants back then, at least not for depression.

If you live in a rural setting, SSI will be enough to live on, if you also get Medicaid and Food Stamps. Although you will still have to be very careful with your money; I have to check on my money a lot because I used to have an alcohol problem (not so much anymore). But if you don't have any habits like that, you will probably be okay.

My best advice when on SSI: find a hobby. Mine is reading books. It helps me distract myself from my failures and helps me believe that I'm working towards something.

>>21033
Is it expensive to have a disability lawyer?

Sounds like a very daunting process.

>>21033
Also, do you have any other advice about qualifying for SSI?

Thanks for posting.

I spent something like four years trying to get SSI. Had a (useless)lawyer too. I just gave up in the end.

If you do it nice and proper, no. They will simply take a percentage of your backpay, that is calculated from how much SSI should have payed you back when you first applied but did not get on, until you actually got on it. Check with your lawyer though about this beforehand, however.

Also what they don't tell you is that the excess money that you get from the backpay must be spend within one year. If you still have over $2000 in your bank accounts by then, they will temporarily take you off of it. They will act as if it is your fault, too, simply for being careful and not wasteful with government money. While this is not the end of the world, it is a real hassle to get back on SSI, and it could take months. So be careful.

As for anything else about qualifying for SSI: don't do anything illegal. And if you have, better hope that it was only a misdemeanor, and that it didn't happen for a while. Ex-cons can get on SSI, but it is very difficult and generally not worth it. Plenty of people get convicted of disability fraud all the time; better hope that isn't you, or else you'll have to pay back all of what they gave you. And that is if you AREN'T going to go to prison for it. They really only have to think that you did it, too; so what if you actually didn't?

Also don't do drugs, or at least don't let anyone know that you do them. Go dry for a while if you can. I do DXM on occasion, but that is perfectly legal, doesn't hurt me, and it doesn't hurt them, either. But keep it mild, just in case.

>They really only have to think that you did it, too; so what if you actually didn't?
So stressful. I would be worrying about this all the time.

I wasted over half my life & hundreds of dollars on an MMO I'm permabanned from now. Damn.

Half your life for real since you were born? What MMO was it? I guess not counting sleeping that's still around 7+ hours a day.

I wasted hundreds of dollars and a bit over 6 months of my life on one game that was powercreeped to death and pretty much imbalanced since I had played it. Closest thing I had to a social life and spent a lot of time with my former best friend there. I still have my account I guess.

I guess I pissed off some internet guy and now he's going around warning people about my faggotry or something.

>>21042
I was counting in years but I did spend literally all day and some days I would just go until the next morning even though the game usually got quie about 12, then I would post on the forums.

>>21041
>>21041
>>21041
May I ask which mmo it was?

>>21014
Turns out that not only does the sleep-aid not work for me, but it rather has the exact opposite effect and wakes me up more than downing three jugs of coffee at once ever could.

I guess I'll resort to trying apparently the only OTC type of pharmacy sleep-aid available around here, as no matter the brand, it's all the same ingredients, although it's really only something that can be used really occasionally due to it being something that people develop resistance to incredibly quickly.

>>21053
What sleep aid?

>>21055
The pharmacy one is diphenhydramine hydrochloride, while the natural one I tried was a mix of Valerian, Passion Flower, Hops, Linden and Melissa officinalis.

>>21056
>>21056
>diphenhydramine
Thought so. Be careful about taking it long-term if you are taking doses over 50 mg. Has some pretty bad side effects, one of the main ones being lowered cognitive function. It's only if you're taking it for a year or two at a time daily though.
Also, it kinda messes up your sleep cycles. So you won't feel that rested if you're looking for sleep quality but if you just want something to knock you out it's pretty good.

>>21058
It's really not something I intend to take regularly and what I got was 50mg so it should be fine in that case.

I'm not a chronic insomniac or anything, my recent sleeping troubles really are due to university-related stress, so I think only taking it to knock me out on the occasional crucial panicky night will be alright.

Thanks for the information and warning, I admit I really know nothing about these things as I've never had this problem before the past month and a half or so.

>>21059
Oh, I hope everything works out for you. I was kind of worried because I used to know someone who took it for around 5 years, and he started getting shakes because of it. He's fairly young as well.

Also, goddammit, I hate every time I come on TC there's fucking CP on the front page.

God fucking damn it, I HATE luck based things! I always get the short end of the stick or the worst and even if I have the skills to bypass it, it's like whatever luck I'm supposed to have just goes to anybody else.

I'm trying as hard as I can and planning my way around the difficulty! I deserve more than a fucking bronze reward for destroying everybody! I deserve to have a max skilled Kenshiro instead of max skilling fucking Weejas of all things. Also, the boards shouldn't be shit 90% of the time so I can actually kill things instead of having Jagi and Amiba screw me over! I'm sick of making it to Raoh only to get one shotted because the board is too shit to do anything with!

Anything left to luck usually never works out for me.

>>21061
>I HATE luck based things!I always get the short end of the stick...
I know how that feels, I've always had terrible luck too.

I get that it's Fist of the North Star related, but what game are you talking about exactly, if you don't mind me asking?

>>21061
>luck based
What compels people to ever play these game?

I often wonder if I should get a dakimakura. On one hand, they look really comfortable and having a cute 2d girl, or at least a representation of one, to cuddle to sleep sounds really nice. They really seem great and honestly going to sleep hugging one is definitely on my bucket list.

On the other hand, I don't have a waifu anymore and I always believed the day I would get a daki it would be of my one and only, thinking of it as something quite special. I know a dakimakura of a girl I merely like could never compare to a daki of a girl I truly love, and I fear settling for that would ruin the ideal of them I have somewhat.

I just hung out with my so called friend the other day and my god were they actually shit people inside, makes me feel like shit for the genuinely amazing people in my life that I've neglected,I have to make things right to them, I'm so sorry.

Don't make the same mistake I did, just because I shared common interests and I found it easy to talk to them didn't make them worth it.

Damn, I know I've been on autistic rants lately but this does feel very good to get off my chest. I'm thankful to this site and this community.

>>21094
I know how you feel. All my friends have eventually turned out to be pretty shit. I'll know them for years, but gradually they'll get more insane and irritating until I just can't take it. It hurts. I only have one friend that seems fine, but they're never around anymore. I often wonder if I'll ever find that perfect bro, who's level-headed and always around, or if that's just a fantasy.

I think I might be developing a shopping addiction. I spend a lot of time sifting through Buyee adding different anime junk to my watched items. Most of the time I don't actually buy anything but it feels like most of my daily activities involve buying stuff/looking at stuff to buy.

>>21094
I'm kinda curious what they did that drew the line for you. If you feel like telling your story.

Browsing through old threads on the /arc/ make me wonder what ever happened to the users who took part in them. Are the 3+ year neets still neets? How many posters grew detached of ib culture? I get mixed feelings browsing that archive but i'm grateful it exists.

>>21111
I used to post on Tohno a few years ago. I was more active then, not so much active now. Partially because I run an imageboard for anime but I'm not going to link it because I'm not a selfpromoting whore and I respect the site. but also partially because I feel detached from the site a lot more than I used to. Don't get me wrong, I still lurk, I just don't post because I don't feel I fit in as much as I used to.
I'm still a NEET, I still don't use 4chan, but I'm not really self loathing anymore. I still have no friends and minimal human contact, but I'm a lot happier now. I still waste my time watching anime and on imageboards, but I try to always look at the good things in life rather than everything I hate. (And believe me, it's a lot of it.) I used to care a lot about politics. I don't care at all anymore. Mostly because I realized it was a futile effort trying to change anything, but also because I'm never going to have an impact on anything. So rather than think about all of the bad, I just focus on the things I want to do, like learning Japanese (I'm terrible at the kana and I have huge memorization issues so I doubt I'll ever learn, but its fun be able to understand what something says maybe 5% of the time if its in just hiragana and katakana.) , or watching anime from the 1970s that I haven't seen yet. I still take comfort in the fact that Tohno is still here, waiting for me if I ever truly need it.
I'm not trying to be like any of those people who say "Just be happy" because that is bullshit advice that doesn't work. My happiness came to be through my own efforts and realizations in life, and how I was going to have to accept the fact that I'm not normal and I'm never going to be Johnny 9 to 5 with a wife and two kids, despite not wanting to be that.

Tohno was probably one of the better things to happen to me in my internet career though. It actually made me realize that there were people like me and that I wasn't alone, even if I was alone in my life. (The threads back on 4chan always seemed like a big "ota-cool" circlejerk, basically pretending they were just like the anime MCs, so I always took that with a grain of salt. And that was years ago. Can't imagine how bad it is now.) so I hope it lasts forever.

Sorry for the long, rambling post. I'll always love Tohno, even if I rarely post anymore.

>>21115
I see a lot of myself in this post, thank you.

>>21115
I actually wish people would write more long, rambling posts.

>>21123
I read "turbo mom" instead of turbo norm.

A bit early but have a restful Christmas anons.

I'm so fucking sick of trying anymore. Nobody wants to be honest about how they feel around me. Just say it how it is, not like it could hurt anymore than how I normally feel. It's helpful to know at least something, that way I can easily fuck off instead of wasting so much time with people. There's better comfort in being alone than around someone that stopped giving a shit.

>>21128
How are you usually like with people?

>>21128
I've been there in life, a lot of people were just never honest with me and they always sugar coat things or worry about hurting my feels.

I find it really annoying that and people being indecisive if they want to be around me.

>>21129
People initially get the wrong idea of me a lot of times, but when given a chance, I'm actually very calm, caring, and easy to get along with. But that's something not often seen or expressed because of the distrust I have and zero confidence in social situations. So normally, I say very little and just not know what to expect from others if they at all show interest. Sometimes I do put effort but the results don't always get me anywhere. People that take interest in me are always never the good type, though. Usually backstabbers, liars, users, etc. is all I ever get. My efforts have only ever gotten people that don't really care about me and just eventually move on without a simple goodbye or anything. So in the end, I'm just left hurt and having regrets of ever trying. I think I should just stick to imageboards like I've always have and spare myself from anymore of this and live with the fact I'm unwanted.

>>21131
perhaps one of the lurking norms could provide some constructive perspective.

>>21132
Well I'm a normie I guess, and can try to offer some help

One big thing to realize is that humans by nature are very keen at noticing patterns in your behavior that show your traits. So, if you are not confident in yourself, it will show, and people will easily see it, and naturally, people don't like people with insecurities. Some people are good at hiding their insecurities, and hence you can't really see it (a lot of the popular kids/jocks/whatever are often extremely insecure in themselves, but are amazing at hiding it). For me, I just realized that it's pointless to try to get the approval of everyone and I only focus on appealing to the people that I can tell will enjoy hanging out with me. In other words, I don't give a fuck about people that don't care about me, and I care about the people that care about me.

Sorry that was just one big tangent, but it's a bit hard to give you any help with so little info. If there's anything specifically that you want to know I'll be glad to help to the best of my abilities.

>>21133
I honestly wonder why armchair psychologists like yourself even come here. Guess you want to feel special.

>>21133
I wasn't really asking for help, just explaining the difficulties I go through with trying to keep online friendships from crashing and burning which inevitably happen and have before. Besides, it's hard to hide "insecurities" when it's obvious you're not a normie. For the years I've spent trying to just keep a friendship going or finding a good one, a normie would have had done much better without much effort in shorter duration. By now it's just very exhausting and pretty predictable when someone loses interest in me and has to resort to stuff like what >>21130 said.

>>21134
I wasn't really trying to be an armchair psychologist, sorry if it came off like that. I was just sort of trying to give my perspective, but after re-reading my post I can tell it really has no purpose. And no, I do not want to feel special, I just wanted to partake in the discussion.

>>21136
None of our posts have any purpose. We all want to feel special. Ever hear of Signalling Theory?

It's Christmas today and I feel so sad,the one time I treat it with seriousness it ends up being depressing because i'm literally doing nothing special to celebrate it. Or maybe I'm confusing it with all this pent up sadness in me. Maybe I should get some sleep and things will be better in the morning.

>going through stuff looking for things to donate and/or throw away
>find some old drawings from 5-7+ years ago
>remember how much more happy and carefree I was back then, even though I felt otherwise at the time for some reason
It's both scary and depressing to think of how much things have declined in such a relatively short timeframe, and even more scary/depressing to wonder how much worse things'll get in the same amount of time (and beyond) going forward.

Hell, I'm already feeling nostalgic about 2013, which is both fairly recent and wasn't all that great of a year in and of itself. It only seems that way by comparison to what's going on in the here and now.

>>20398
my mother has one too, and my sister is getting married with chad.

A lot of people say men only think about sex. The only thing I can think about is scenarios where I die. That's the only thing that can keep me at peace. Sex hasn't even come across my mind unless I specifically think about it, whereas gory scenes of my death riddle my mind passively.

>>21210
>my sister is getting married with chad.
That's a bad thing?

I've just made a goal for myself. I want to obtain a "X-plus super-sized Roll figurine" and have it sit on my face.

I should die, but I need to die after that. First, I want that Roll's loli butt on my face.

I've probably fallen too far into the 'Otaku hole', but it can't be helped~♪.

>>21235
That's great. You don't need to die immediately after it happens, just some years down the road. Just naturally is fine.

Everything I ever try eventually goes totally wrong. I have had phases where I've accepted to be a total loser but then got little strength to try something and then fail at it.

I'm 24 now. What age is honestly considered "young"? About 26 does not sound very young anymore to be honest.

I've distanced, alienated or angried all the friends I had.
I wish I could meet new ones over the internet but social networks pretty much killed all the space you had to be social without getting people too deep into your personal life.

>>21240
>What age is honestly considered "young"?
I'd say around 24. What kind of things did you do to try to escape loserdom? Didn't expect to fail much more than to succeed?

>>21243
I'm too paranoid to be specific but other than just going to study too. Still have never worked for a day in my life.

>>21242
What are your interests?

>>21248
Video games and music for the most part.

I did it!

I used what little bravery my pathetic body has and used it to fight off some assholes playing shite music out loud and away from my home.

Unfortunately, it didn't work and I ended up getting hit pretty hard in the face with a rock, since they were scared of me since I was wielding a hammer. I failed terribly and needed stitches on my face and finger, but I at least tried!

I kind of want to die.

I don't even know what to say, honestly. Being forced into college sucks. I really just want to die. But I'm too chickenshit to actually kill myself. Maybe I can just stop existing.

>>21296
What's so bad about it for you?

>>21297
I'm just not smart. I was always put in the gifted programs and the advanced placement courses, and everyone describes me as "really intelligent", but honestly? It's a fucking lie. I'm dumber than a bag of cowshit abandoned on the highway. I've always been bad at math, and education based work where I'm "learning" things has always made my depression flare for some unknown reason.
I can go from having the best day ever to wanting to hang myself if you make me do school work. It's been years since I was in High School, so I had the slightest hope that maybe I wouldn't feel the same as I did back then, but absolutely nothing has changed.
Back when I was in High School, I used to mow lawns for money so I could buy videogames and figures. I liked that I could just listen to music, not have anyone bother me, and I could complete the task and get paid. I hate how everything is based on being social.
I want to be alone, watching anime in my room. It's all I want anymore.

So I just got a fortune cookie that says: "Travel is in your future",

It's kind of absurd and strange seeing as I'm nothing more than a NEET that doesn't like seeing people, interacting with people, going outside, or any of that stuff, I'm just looking oo deeply into what a frigging fortune cookie says for some reason.

I pretty consistently feel as if my life is an imposition, and I feel intense shame for being alive.

I hate being alive. I don't know what to do, I can't look to the future and see anything worth living for. I'm so sick of everything! I just want to sleep forever and fade away, Haven't I done enough? There isn't even much for a person like me to do since I'm nothing, My existence is nothing more than a mistake that nobody really wanted so why do I still exist?! I don't even want myself,

What anime & manga characters would be pickup artists IRL?

>>21298
Mother fucker if you feel so strongly about it why don't you just get a job out side of college education drop out find a nice small place where you can seclude your self an be happy? You are a introvert just like the rest of us. learn to accept yourself. Your wants an needs is what should come first priority.

I'm so exhausted. I have been neet for over five years now and lately I've been getting more and more lazy. Nowadays I don't even try to bother making food anymore, I just eat bread and candy so that I don't die to hunger.

This is pretty much the only place I write to people online. Thanks for existing, I guess.

>>21459
I'm also being fed, out of pity i guess.
If we don't eat we'll eventually die, and this i leave with time.
Only wish my mother could die already, i may change my mind and suicide before, don't really feel nothing anymore.

sometimes I feel like I'm masochistic because some emotion is better than nothing. Maybe there's something called training oneself to be happy but that's really subtle appreciation of routine which always fades away here and there.

Just completely screwed up yet another job interview because of my extreme social anxiety. I struggle to have a normal conversation with someone I don't know in the best of circumstances, so in the case of a stressful situation like an interview I always seem like a babbling retard.

I'm completely unhireable.

>>21477
what are you going to do now?

>>21478
I frankly don't know. I'm pretty much boned,despite having decent education in a field that surprisingly has a lot of jobs open.

>>21498
You're like twenty, dude. Lighten up.

>>21131
If you come across as vulnerable then sociopaths will likely go for you. When they find out you're actually not weak-minded they get bored and move on. This happens to me with some frequency.

>>21502
The experiences I've gone through has definitely taught me many things about people and how to handle them. Sociopaths or anyone in general provide a fun challenge in understanding them. No amount of sincerity will ever change my mind about people, though.

I had a once in a lifetime chance to see a free conference by Richard Stallman and I just screwed it up.
I never go to those types of things or any event really, but that is one I would have wanted to see.

I don't believe it. The last place I'd expect to find mlp cancer is in university science/math homework given by a 40-ish year old teacher and yet it fucking happened.

>>21561
So tolerant. So progressive!

I'm so damn bored.

I'm sick again. I wish I would just die already.

So I was playing this online game, and I just quit right now. I've been playing for about a month and was in an alliance, so I'm sure that I disappointed a few people.

I can't stand games where I'm forced to have to interact with other people. I didn't know that that game was going to be like that when I started but if I did I would've avoided it. I think that there might have been a few people that thought me of me as a friend, but I can't do that. I don't want "friends". I only end up disappoint everybody, including myself.

At least they'll forget about me eventually.

I think I have something like schizophrenia or tourette. I don't know what it would be defined as but sometimes words just fall out when I'm not paying attention and I'm really terrified I'll do it in front of somebody eventually. They're usually violent or nonsensical things. "kill yourself" "I'll kill them all". I never mean it.I get stressed and upset and I don't know if that's the initial trigger but I never want to hurt anyone. I dont know why it happens. Sometimes I'll start to say something and catch myself just in time to remember people are in the next room that would hear me. The other night during class I slipped just a little but no one noticed. The professor was giving a lecture and "kill yourself" came out as a whisper. I instantly became terrified but I looked around and no one seemed to notice. I dont know if it's the kind of thing I should talk about with anyone. I just want to hide it as long as possible and hope no one ever catches me saying creepy ass shit to myself.

I am 25, and for the last seven or so years I've believed that Gensokyo exists and that somehow it's possible to go there (without dying). I don't know what it says about me that I still cling to this belief, even though deep down I understand that it's impossible. I just can't let go of it, because I find the idea of it to be beautiful, and my life is completely empty and directionless. So after such a long time my belief has expanded to the point where I have a physical location for Gensokyo, where it used to be when it was still part of this world, and I've developed a rudimentary understanding of the boundaries. The key to everything lies "between". Between life and death, waking and sleeping, night and day, fantasy and reality. And the colours are connected to this idea. The red and the blue. I've started to believe that it is possible to learn Yukari's power. I have fallen in love with the colour purple, I believe it is the way out of this world. I think that if other people knew about this they would diagnose me with something.

I've been yearning for a way out of this existence ever since I can remember, definitely at least from age 5, probably longer, since I was shunned by humans even at age 3 when first placed among them. I still kind of believe that I wasn't supposed to exist in the first place.

I'm pretty nervous about posting this, but I really feel like I need to rant a bit right now. I can't maintain this NEET lifestyle forever. My only two options are to either work or die and I'm too much of a coward to kill myself. My mother isn't getting any younger and I feel awful for being nothing more than a leech to her. I'm already sick of trying to find work. It's not a surprise that nobody wants to hire the 22 year old high-school dropout with a GED and no work experience. Even if I got an interview they'd probably turn me down when they realize I have no social skills and don't do a very good job of taking care of myself. I can't believe it, I'm actually struggling to find a minimum wage job. I've even been turned down by fast food places and grocery stores for something as simple as stocking shelves or operating a cash register. "We have decided to pursue other candidates who are better suited for this position." Just end it already. I can't even really enjoy my spare time anymore because I barely find anything fun these days. Whatever small personal relationships I have left on the internet are falling apart or have fallen apart. I'm just an awful guy to be around, I'm nothing but a boring downer.

My voice has gotten pretty bad. While I can talk more or less normally from the little bit that I've seen, I can't sing like I used to. It feels like there's something wrong with my throat and I'm not sure what to do and I've been like this for over a week.

To be honest, I like that this is happening because I don't believe that I should be singing, but the thing is that singing makes me feel happy. If I sing well, I just get some enjoyment that I don't really get from anywhere else.

It's almost my birthday. I can't really say that I'm looking forward to it.

Welp, It's my birthday. I don't know what to do besides playing games and doing whatever else to distract myself, like every other day.

Oh, well.

I'm having a little episode where I just can't feel pleased enough to be distracted by much. Ever sine SGDQ ended, I just can't get the same excitement that I got from spamming the chat with the cute emote. I only feel uneasy, upset, and a little nervous.

I guess that the only good thing that I can say is that I've decided to start exercising again. My body feels a bit sore, but I guess that that's a good thing. I've been lifting weights for a long while despite not exercising in close to 2 years, so I'm pretty buff, but not in shape at all. It does help with keeping nasty people away since I am pretty strong and even seem like it.

I still wish I were dead, though. I haven't really had much of a reason to get out of bed besides boredom, and the only thing that I'm looking forward to is the new MH game, I just can't find much reason to keep on going. I'm just tired of mostly everything in the shitty 3D world.

I hate, I detest, I loathe and I abhor writing. There is no greater torture for me than being forced to write text.
Life is not worth writing for.

Apparently my mother had a "mini-stroke" or something yesterday. I was kind of surprised by the news, and came to start thinking about my mother and her dying again. I have no idea what I'd do if that were to happen, and I'd be unable to live anywhere since nobody else gives a single shit about me aside from my mother and my uncle, and my uncle can do absolutely nothing for me.

I don't know what I'm going to do.

Now that I take a bigger look at my life, it only seems to be filled with horrible people and liars. It's been like that before I was born and steadily strong even 25 years after. I try to live my life as honest and as straightforward as possible, however, that doesn't seem to change anything.

There was no way for someone like me to get anywhere in life. I couldn't do much on my own. I was set up before I was even born.

And, are you fucking kidding me? In something like that! I didn't understand at first, even though I knew that it was important, I had no idea the lengths put into something as stupid as that only for me to end up in the same position. What was the point in only judging me by what others had to say? What few actions I had to perform? It's not like anybody knows what I'm really like when nobody spends any time with me. Hell, it wasn't until recently that my mother found out that I am a genuinely decent person, and I've lived with her my entire life.

I really am cursed. Nothing but bad things consistently occur in my life. It's only filled with miss opportunities, failed attempts, broken and/or non-existent dreams, and a broken heart. If past lives are a thing, then what did I do that would earn me this much? Why not just erase me from being reborn or whatever? Why do I even exist? If I'm to be denied everything, then wouldn't the world just be the same without me? Wouldn't it be fine, if not better if I wasn't born? Then, why am I here? Why am I posting these stupid messages that nobody will (hopefully) read or fully understand because of how poorly I express my thoughts (and sometimes go off to do other things in while typing this whiny garbage that just ends up getting garbled up with my forgetful mind)? I'm just a waste of time wasting time.

I think that I might need to either leave or kill myself soon. I don't think that I really have many options in my life, and while I knew that I wasn't going to have a happy ending by any means, I thought that I'd at least be able to do something to maybe prove that I had some value in some way, but that was wishful thinking.