NEET is not a label, it's a way of life!
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13455 No. 13455 [Edit]
For all of us dealing with problems in this regard.

Do you have any sort of condition/disorders? Are you depressed? Did you ever seek professional help? What are you doing to overcome your current situation?

General mental health discussion thread.
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>> No. 13456 [Edit]
I don't really know and I refuse to listen to other people no matter what pieces of paper they have. My hunter rank is 90 something, so that makes their opinion worthless.

I play videogames all day and dedicate my life to doing that because I can't and don't want to do much of anything else, aside from reading manga, watching anime, and fapping until I don't feel like doing any more.

There isn't anything in this world worth living for and I don't really want much aside from superpowers because I'd get to be better than regular people and I'd get to have fun until the government catches me and experiments on me like some guinea pig. Life isn't worth living. I'm only alive because I'm too much of a coward to kill myself.
>> No. 13457 [Edit]
I have dysthymia. It's pretty much self-diagnosed, but I'm on prescribed medications. I've been making some adjustments on the way. If there's others also taking medications for dysthymia I can share what I've been on.

On top I have delayed sleep phase syndrome. Honestly it's easier to deal with my depression while on decent meds than this sleeping bullshit.

Nothing I have is majorly impairing to my practical functioning, but it's there, and it's annoying.
>> No. 13458 [Edit]
Do share, I've been on a lot of stuff over the last years. Now I'm clean, because nothing helped.

>delayed sleep phase syndrome
Have you tried f.lux and avoiding bright lights at night? Fixed my sleeping schedule, but I just had problems falling asleep.
>> No. 13459 [Edit]
Suicide is an act of cowardice, not bravery.
>> No. 13460 [Edit]
I'm not the guy you're replying to, but
>f.lux and avoiding bright lights at night
This sounds like a placebo. I've had a non-24 hour sleep-wake cycle half my life, long before I spent all day every day in front of computer screens.
>> No. 13461 [Edit]
Some pill pushers claim I have Schizoid personality disorder, which may or may not be true. I'd like to overcome my current situation if you can even call it one, by getting the hell away from this overpopulated town and all these obnoxious people.
>> No. 13462 [Edit]
Started out with escitalopram actavis, supplemented it with wellbutrin retard and mirtazapine, tested out further supplementing with liothyronin, no noticable effect on the latter. When I realized escitalopram didn't work out, I changed into moclobemid ratiopharm
but kept mirtazapin. The purpose behind the current combo is to augment mood and awakeness
with moclobemid, and increase appetite with mirtazapin, as well as inducing sleepiness (nighttime).

>Have you tried f.lux and avoiding bright lights at night?
I guess I could elaborate a little on my specific case. Honestly I don't know whether I have DSPS or hypersomnia, and getting it checked isn't very tempting (sleeping in a checked environment etc.). My problem is mainly that I always sleep at varying times, unless I compensate by sleeping more. Then there's the question of cause and effect: do I sleep excessively because of weird sleeping rythme or do I have a weird sleeping rythme because pf excessive sleep? Granted, my problem isn't falling asleep, it's falling asleep at the right times (and getting up at the right times).

It's legit advice, it's just one of many non-medical methods of adjusting your day rythme. This meassure alone won't guarantee a solid rythme for all cases.
>> No. 13463 [Edit]
I need to overcome poverty.
I'm too awesome of a person to be poor, this is bullshit.
>> No. 13466 [Edit]
I don't know that anyone knows what is wrong with me.

It is more than just depression and anxiety though. My doctors are leaning toward bipolar now. Not sure if this is right or not.

I am so damn frustrated that no on seems to know what is wrong with me, or can give me any real help. I have been at this for 17 years now.

I can function somewhat, but it takes everything I have to hold my lousy retail position. I know I would be happier with another job, and better pay would give me independence. How to get there though...

I hate people, but crave attention. Damn paradox going on in my head.

maybe if you have a gun, but killing yourself is a lot harder than it sounds. Setting up hanging or whatnot yourself isn't easy, and working up the nerve to do it is beyond difficult. It won't be quick, easy or painless.
>> No. 13468 [Edit]
I get very depressed sometimes for many reasons. I also sometimes am very emotionally distant and have trouble interacting with people. Words can come out wrong and I give off wrong impressions a lot. Some people think I'm mad at them and they are annoying me when I'm not at all and I actually enjoy the fact that someone actually wants to speak to me. Sometimes I lose control of my emotions and they can be inappropriate for the situation which makes for very awkward and embarrassing moments. Sometimes I get very angry too when I think about bad things from the past. I have audio hallucinations very often and sometimes visual with moderate body disconnections (I can describe it as like having 2 bodys and the one your in control of feels like it's partially out of your physical body and everything is slower as well as colors take strange effects.). The strongest disconnection I've ever had was I completely lost my body altogether and became what I believe to be a stretched out blob of nothing wandering down my hallway. Everything had this black shit all over it and all color was gone. Also couldn't hear or feel anything. It lasted a little less than 30 seconds at the most. My audio hallucinations can range from people speaking in the distance I can't understand, birds at random times, and sometimes even music. If I'm listening to music sometimes things will be added to it that weren't there and it scares me sometimes when I don't expect it. Like one time I was listening to some average j-pop stuff and all of a sudden I start to notice it distorting a bit and getting a choppy for second spans as well as sounds that weren't in the original music and even cutting out a little. Checking everything nothing was wrong. It then went normal for a little bit then it got a bit distorted again and I'm hearing very quiet screams in the background of it. I got scared as fuck, had no clue what was going on so I turned it off for a while and decided then wasn't a good time for music. Other times they aren't scary since I'm used to them. As for my visuals I don't get anything too bad. Sometimes things around me will change in texture a it or lighting will take weird forms. The most I had visually was actually recently. I was sitting here on the computer and all of a sudden I hear a sound and I look to my left and to the side of me forms this huge blinding golden orange light that lasts for a split second and went away. That's all I got to say.
>> No. 13469 [Edit]
Already posted on the health general but now that we have the thread I'll try to be more specific.

I have OCD since childhood with a severe case of intrusive thoughts, I literally can't stop thinking about unpleasant stuff, to the point that it changed my life completely.

Everytime I wake up since years I've been doing rituals and not being able to control my mind through my everyday routine in multiple occassions, contamination OCD produces a lot of anxiety as well and I've been coping with depressions, eating disorders and self-harm often due to self-inflicted wounds being the only way to stop the intrusive thoughts and the anxiety at times, I'm sleep deprived too.

Started taking Sertraline (prescripted), first dosage was 50mg a day, just one pill, didn't notice a lot of improvement so I went for 100mg a day and the OCD remains strong but depression is finally gone except during mornings before taking my pills, I'm taking sleeping pills to get some rest during the night as well.

Had really bad side effects the first few days, depression got a lot worse,OCD didn't increase and it was even reduced a bit but the obsessions were stronger,had a panic attack and suicidal urges during and after said episode, but after one week taking the meds they seemed to stop and I went back to a state regarding OCD that is somewhat similar to the initial one but noticeably better, I can avoid some of the intrusive thoughts at times but they still control my mind, anxiety remains the same more or less but depression is gone for the most part.

Post edited on 14th Mar 2013, 10:33pm
>> No. 13470 [Edit]
It's not just the computer screen, it's the TV screen, the smartphone screen, all other lights, the refrigerator, street lights that shine into your window, what have you.

Try it out for a week, when the sun sets, avoid all lights except for your f.lux computer. You'll definitely notice the difference.
>> No. 13473 [Edit]
Everyone thinks that, but most everyone is poor. I doubt theres a single form of 'awesomeness' that automatically means you're not.

Mom / School thinks I'm an aspie. Minimum wage job, got my life kindasorta made though.
>> No. 13474 [Edit]
what about the awesomeness that comes from being a rich motherfucker's son?
>> No. 13475 [Edit]
There's someone in my family that is very rich. They have a very nice house and it's huge. You should see what their bedroom looks like, it's as nice as it gets and it's bigger than their living room. They also have a small bar in the basement and even some pinball machines. The basement of the place is even nice looking enough to be mistaken for another living room. They have a very nice backyard too overall. I wouldn't want to live there though, I like where I'm living now but going there from time to time is fine. I like to relax on their deck or in the basement playing pinball sometimes.
>> No. 13481 [Edit]
I'm just not happy. But I'm not sad either.

I used to understand happy, I know that I used to be happy.
I'm unhappy now and I can't remember what it's like to be happy, I only remember.
I remember being happy only in comparison to not being happy, which is what I am now.

I'm just sorta jaded/apathetic now. I guess. I don't know. I just float around.
>> No. 13499 [Edit]
That's the way I feel. Right now I feel like I'm just existing with hint of background negativity and positivity mixed together. I feel some happiness when I'm listening to music or going out somewhere on a weekend night with a couple family members so I don't have to be here all night but for now that's it. I may get a better mood once temperatures warm up and I can actually go outside again. Feels kind of like I'm living in a dream at the moment.
>> No. 13511 [Edit]
You guys get me. I feel like a cloud that only moves because the wind is blowing.
>> No. 13514 [Edit]
I'm just dying. You know. Everything is bad. I feel like I have every single disorder in the world. And now they are starting to manifest themselves in extreme physical pain. What a terrible life it has been. I'm probably going to stop breathing very soon. Please save yourselves before you fall into an infinite void. You are still able to see the light, up to a point. Or, at least, that's just how my life went. Oh well.
>> No. 13612 [Edit]
I've been struggling my whole life to explain myself-- why I behave as I do. I don't work: I've only tried it once and lasted less than 3 months, and I'm kind of amazed I made it that long. I've never finished college despite enrolling and subsequently dropping out on three separate occasions, and this is for a two-year program. I've never had a relationship, I haven't had anything resembling friends in years and years, I don't go out and engage in any activities or hobbies. I just stay in my room and pass the time on my computer, except when I have reason to leave and attend to some other matter.

I'm not depressed and I'm not afraid. Depressive thought patterns do not addle my mind, and neither do phobias discourage me from leaving the house or trying to succeed in life. Based on the results of psychological testing, I was diagnosed with "avoidant personality disorder with schizoid features." I don't feel that this begins to convey the magnitude of the adaptation I have made. Avoidants recoil from social interaction but are otherwise functional. Schizoids compartmentalize their emotions in order to function. I am not so functional as either textbook case, and neither do I fit all of the criteria of either; I display affect and I do not flinch in the face of social interaction or dwell on thoughts of inadequacy.

If I had to describe my personality disorder, I would say that I maintain a significant degree of detachment at all times-- it comes as naturally to me as breathing-- because this is the only way I can achieve security of self. I don't know if that's a thing I can explain; if you haven't experienced the particular sort of violation that I have, early in childhood, you probably won't know what it means to feel like the very the concept of yourself is in peril. To be so completely and utterly invalidated, without even the simplest mental defense of denial to retreat to, that everything you believe yourself to be is crushed and annihilated.
>> No. 13613 [Edit]
>I maintain a significant degree of detachment at all times
You sound like some kind of hermit. So you detach from things because they threaten your self? What is a self then? Sounds like something that doesn't really exist. If it gets annihilated, maybe you can stop worrying about protecting it and your life would be easier.
>> No. 13614 [Edit]
It's mental/emotional detachment, not physical withdrawal.
Wikipedia defines 'self' quite succinctly: The self is an individual person as the object of his or her own reflective consciousness.
It's basically your understanding of yourself. I was never happier than when I was so young that this hadn't yet formed in my mind, and if I could be free of it I would be far better off in many ways, I'm certain. If it were to be annihilated, however, it would probably just reform, perhaps even more isolationist than ever. It seems to be a byproduct of a conscious mind, or at least one which lives in a society with others, and thus not so easily undone.
>> No. 13615 [Edit]
But your understanding of yourself is just knowledge. It's not a thing that really exists. How can that knowledge torment you so much?

How do you even get a self? Do you gather information about your life and then say that you are that information? Doesn't make sense to me. A self can only be described in thoughts, but thoughts have to be part of that self. A self can only be described in knowledge, but knowledge has to be part of that self. You are going in circles, when you try to find this self.

So you take parts of your life and say they are your self and other parts that aren't your self or what? And then you have to protect the parts of yourself that you call self from the other parts that you call not-self? And then you operate from the assumption that half the world (the not-self) wants to annihilate the self?

You are probably right that you can't annihilate it. That would merely reinforce that belief. Maybe you just have to realize that the self is just knowledge and you can't really be captured by it. But at the same time, you can't really be free from it. So it doesn't really matter what you do.

It's like somebody who wants to be free from the color yellow. If that guy shuts himself in his house all day. He isn't free. So what does he do? How does he get freedom from the color yellow? He can't, even if he stabs his eyes out, he isn't free. But a color can't have control over you, so what does it matter? He should relax and watch some anime.
>> No. 13617 [Edit]
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I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder around the 8th grade. Also been recently diagnosed with Asperger's. I dunno, I guess they had always chalked everything up to bipolar and social anxiety before.

In any case, I had to drop out of college for being too much of an all-around mental fuckup to live in a dorm, function in class, sleep properly, get any work done, etc. Since then, I've been put on pretty much every medication they could think of. So far, nothing's been able to make my head stable enough to fully deal with the outside world and all of life's pressures that come with it.

I hate feeling like a fucking lab rat testing all these damn pills. Nothing works, or it'll start to make me feel a little better, but not quite enough, so I'll get the dose upped and that just fucks me up worse than before. Some of them deal with one problem but create another. I've been at this for at least a year now. Living at home, no autismbux-generated income (as of yet), not much to do but play vidya, watch animu, idly browse the internet and whatever hobbies I can find to entertain myself, broken up regularly by mood swings and panic attacks.

It's been at least a year now, and I feel like I'm still just sitting here becoming more and more distant from the rest of the world. I'm not so far into denial to say I don't still have basic human social needs (yet). But the internet feels like kind of a hollow substitute to fill in for the bare minimum in that regard.

So yeah, professional help hasn't been all that much help, and as much as I find some strange solace in venting to the tohno-chan here, it makes me really depressed because I usually try not to think too much into it. So thanks, both seriously and sarcastically.

>> No. 13620 [Edit]
I suppose I have depression. I apologise for the life story to follow.

I visited a psychologist for around six months at the behest of my parents, after previously having been on antidepressants from my GP.
He, being a psychologist who couldn't prescribe anything, was more concerned with things like exercise and resuming my studies as methods of 'recovery'.
I had to fill in an exercise and activity journal throughout my 'treatment', but I simply faked the whole thing.
I was sleeping around 16 hours per day at this point and doing very little in the other eight hours.
I suppose I didn't get along with the psychologist to begin with. He annoyed me and I was quite rude to him on several occasions (not unjustifiably).
Eventually I told him that I wasn't coming back after ascertaining that he wasn't allowed to talk to my parents about it (he wanted them to keep a close eye on me).
I told my parents that he said I wasn't required to return.

Eventually I returned to the city and to university (Physics). My parents rented a flat for me. I truly had to because the other option was to get a job.
My father had grown tired of me after I had lived back at home for two years, even though I only visited the kitchen at night and rarely saw him.
My mother was always more understanding (pitying?), but it seems it takes a unanimous household vote to keep a NEET.

My return to study has been a dismal failure. I am scraping by because I barely do any study except in the weeks leading up to exams. I don't tell my parents how bad it is.
I only turn up to labs, because that is when attendance is taken. I don't have the marks to ever find a Masters supervisor and continue, and of course I don't have the will to anyway.
When I turn up I am stressed because of all the people I have to talk to.
I don't have any goals in life and I don't want a life of working to live. I will kill myself after university unless some unexpected opportunity arises.
>> No. 13625 [Edit]
Did you post that on the men's rights reddit?
>> No. 13626 [Edit]
>men's rights
There exists no such thing, don't be silly.
>> No. 13627 [Edit]
I think I'm going to become much like you in a year or so if we follow a similar timeline for our eerily similar situations.
>> No. 13630 [Edit]
Does anyone else belive like they dont deerve ni e things

like, i have limbs
i dont need them
i could saw them off and in the grand schmee of things nothing would change
so why should i have limbs
>> No. 13631 [Edit]
your logic is flawless
>> No. 13632 [Edit]
what are you gonna do, give your limbs to someone who 'deserves' them?
yeah, I'm sure some amputee would be delighted to wake up one morning and find some bloody severed legs on his doorstep.

Shit like this is why I don't do drugs.
>> No. 13633 [Edit]
but how can you definitively say that it's stupid for any reason other than my cowardice

when I actually did do it, it calmed me down very quickly and felt very 'right' to do.

my other impulses feel similarly 'right' and as if they will be calming; why not do it again and in more extreme ways?

who says i wont be happier without an eye, or having cut a leg off, or some other thing

Post edited on 21st Mar 2013, 3:30am
>> No. 13634 [Edit]
Who cares dude? I'm not gonna sugar coat it, that's fucking retarded.
>> No. 13635 [Edit]
the only thing keeping me from doing more is raw cowardice

i don't see any other reason to not self-harm
>> No. 13636 [Edit]
Not having a reason not to do something (stupid) is not a good reason to do it.
>> No. 13637 [Edit]
That's a strange thing to say. Knowledge doesn't exist? It exists as neurological pathways in my brain. And there are many kinds of knowledge which can torment: knowledge of failures, knowledge of betrayals.

A self is just one's image or mental conception of oneself. It's a means of introspection and reflection. It allows us to be aware of how others see us, to know when to inhibit our urges for the sake of integration with society. It's also the source of important psychological resources such as self-esteem. This might be more aptly termed a self-image, though I think the line between self and self-image is not altogether discrete. Whatever you call it, though, it's vital for one's functioning in society.
>> No. 13640 [Edit]
>That's a strange thing to say. Knowledge doesn't exist? It exists as neurological pathways in my brain.

Knowledge doesn't really exist. Your brain and pathways do exist, but that in itself is not knowledge. If you just take your brain out of its context, the knowledge "the sky is blue" doesn't make sense anymore. Because there is no color blue, no sky, nobody to see the sky anymore. Knowledge needs a context to work. It's only knowledge if you put it all together. In the same way, a self doesn't really exist apart from its surroundings.

>And there are many kinds of knowledge which can torment: knowledge of failures, knowledge of betrayals.

What do they torment? Your self. So we go in circles there. The self is just knowledge, but knowledge torments the self. I don't see a reason for the torment to be there. Normally you would just learn from the knowledge of your failure and then forget it. And I'm not talking about real failures here, real failure does hurt. But that's bodily pain and doesn't last very long. I'm talking about the knowledge of that failure.

>A self is just one's image or mental conception of oneself. It's a means of introspection and reflection. It allows us to be aware of how others see us, to know when to inhibit our urges for the sake of integration with society. It's also the source of important psychological resources such as self-esteem. This might be more aptly termed a self-image, though I think the line between self and self-image is not altogether discrete.

I'm not arguing against that, I'm sure it's useful. It just doesn't really exist and it causes you torment. Isn't that weird? It's just a form of knowledge. The whole thing is weird, you make up a self-image, then you find a failure that goes against that self-image and then you have a war in your head. And both sides of the war don't really exist. They are just thoughts and knowledge.
>> No. 13654 [Edit]
>What do they torment? Your self. So we go in circles there. The self is just knowledge, but knowledge torments the self.
Just because they're both knowledge doesn't mean they're the same thing. The knowledge that I have failed at something is not the same thing as the knowledge of who I am. That's false equivalence.

>It just doesn't really exist and it causes you torment. Isn't that weird? It's just a form of knowledge.
It may "not really exist," but it is your understanding of reality. So while you could disregard it and put your fingers in your ears and sing "la la la," you'd be deluding yourself. And then you would be without all of functions which a self serves, as I've already detailed in my previous post. So yes, it's "just knowledge," but it's knowledge which is of critical importance to your survival. That's like saying your house is "just four walls and a roof" while obstinately ignoring the fact that is the shelter which you need in order to live. You're missing the forest for the trees, reductio ad absurdum.
>> No. 13673 [Edit]
But a house is just four walls and a roof. You don't need it in order to survive. That's where the problem starts, when a house is just four walls and a roof, you live in there and everything is fine, when it burns down, you build a new one. But when you say you need it to live, you will be tormented by fear about it burning to the ground, even if there is no fire. If a self is just knowledge, you can use it and everything is fine. If you say it's of critical importance to your survival, that's where the torment starts.

You say that once you stop seeing the house as critical to your survival, you lose the functions of the house. But I'm saying that you are not a slave to it anymore. It's the same with your self-image, you can still use it, but you are not a slave to it anymore.
>> No. 13675 [Edit]
I don't need to declare any of these things for them to be so-- the criticality of the self or the necessity of the house. They are both obvious conclusions based on what I know: a house is not easily built, and I might well die of exposure before I could rebuild one. Likewise, a self takes many years to come to fruition.
>> No. 13686 [Edit]
not much to say about it, dropped outof society after 10th grade

I remember a bit after I was diagnosed i was still doing a few things but had dropped out already, I liked my drama class so even though I couldn't act anymore I just kind of showed up so there were these 2 people i kind of new because I had smoked with them in the back a few times, just kind of vaguely knew them butt hey were my closest friends, a couple times we had lunch together after drama class but i didn't want to eat so I just sort of drank tea and sat with them cause I wanted someone to sit with

one of them was a guy and he was kind of cute and pretty perceptive, I can't tell if it hapepned or not cause its kind of hazy but i tried really hard not to react to those circumstances and I, whenever I looked around at something or flinched away from monsters he sort of looked at me. I never told anyone I got disgnoaed but I think he knew but never commented on it

the other girl was this edgy borderline piece of shit that pretended to have all kinds of mental illness inclusing schizophrenia even thought she showed no symptoms at all but always had everyone focused on her because she is a asparagus, but ti kept attention off me cause I mostly just stared iinto space and never said anything but I mostly hated her. she probably knew too, I bet the boy told her
one time I was walking to get tea with her and she keeps talking even though I couldntt really reciprocate and then she says out of the blue about how she hallucinated a guy in her class "ololol does that make me crazy?? omg lol i drew the sigil for lucifer I don't even remember that I totally have multiple personality disorder pls pay attention to me I hear voices all the time lol"

in retrospect sorry for sentence quality probably
>> No. 13687 [Edit]
What were you diagnosed with?
>> No. 13689 [Edit]
I'm just not built to live in this world at all.
And lately, every day, my memory gets worse. I'll get up to do something, sit back down and not remember doing anything. I'm forgetting all my usernames, pins, passwords, my cellphone number, my home phone number, which way turns a tap on/off, same shit for light switches. The list goes on but that's about the size of it. Don't think I'll live past the first through months of next year at this rate.
I've had worse, though. At least even though I'm still too depressed to have motivation for anything, I can still enjoy things to an extent. It's better than lying there watching the clock all day until I was tired enough to get to sleep, only to be woken up by insomnia causing nightmares.
I went to a "mental health specialist" several times, only to be fucked around with apointments for dumb "reasons" such as taking a week off due to a cold. That on top of the fact that they had no idea what they were doing or talking about has put me off the idea completely. I'd rather die.
Oh, and there was one more thing. I can't feel friendship anymore. Not sure why. The social skills I have are all still there, but I can't feel it. I can only feel love, but that's okay.
>> No. 13690 [Edit]
How does one "feel" friendship?
>> No. 13691 [Edit]
I can only vaguely remember the feeling. It's like there's some kind of bond there that makes you trust them and want to spend time with them.
Whatever it was, it's gone, now.
>> No. 13692 [Edit]
Yes, you do. A house is just four walls and a roof. I don't know why you would willingly see it otherwise, when that torments you.
>> No. 13693 [Edit]
My therapist and doctor have concluded that I am depressed. Therapy has not helped, personally.
>> No. 13694 [Edit]
I don't know which kind of therapy you were refering to, but I've tried with psychologists in the past, two times, and it didn't work out,a psychiatrist is where it's at, in my opinion, because they'll not only listen to what you have to say, they give you meds to help your situation, not just sitting there and spilling uplifting nonsense like psychologists do
>> No. 13695 [Edit]
>> No. 13698 [Edit]
He's made it pretty clear he disagrees with you. Relax and forget about it
>> No. 13699 [Edit]
Try building one yourself before you shit on carpenters around the world.
>> No. 13705 [Edit]
I don't do so willingly. It happens entirely without my conscious intervention. It follows from my own need to survive: such items as are essential to my survival are items which it worries me to lose.
>> No. 13718 [Edit]
Does anyone know how to get perspiration drugs for medication? Where do I go, who do I see (a regular doctor, a psychiatrist etc?)? I tried asking my parents for help but they just told me to go to church and pray to jesus to "save me". Please help.
>> No. 13719 [Edit]
>perspiration drugs for medication?
I meant prescription drugs for depression. Sorry
>> No. 13720 [Edit]
If you are sure you want to try them, just go to your regular doctor, tell them about what's happening with you and they'll probably give you a referral (a scheduled appointment with somewhere else) to a "mental health specialist." Or, they might just prescribe you something themselves.
That's how it works here, anyway. Good luck.
>> No. 13721 [Edit]
Yes, I do. I can't enjoy anything anymore and feel really suicidal. I mean, what's the point of taking it easy if you can't relax? It's stressful.

I don't know my doctor but I'll just go to a random one I guess. Thank you so much.
>> No. 13722 [Edit]
Fair enough then, I ended up doing the same. Took until the third anti-depressant to have any effect, though, but it is an improvement. I'm not sure if they'll prescribe you particular ones, but that third one I was on is Mirtazapine, which helps you sleep (though it feels like the quality of your sleep is lowered), is known for having far fewer side effects, and seemed to be pretty popular at the time. They may have still been experimenting with it then, though, because there was a requirement of having tried two other medications first. Might be different where you are.
>> No. 13731 [Edit]
I am still trying to find a medication that helps.

I went through most SSRI's. I am now on an anti consultant and a anti psychotic. Mellows my mood some, but still having problems. I sometimes enjoy things now, and don't think about killing myself as much. So some improvement.
>> No. 13769 [Edit]
After a little more than month of sertraline intake I can say that I noticed a huge change when it comes to my depression.

The OCD is still unbeareable at times but I don't cut as often now, only when the anxiety hits me hard and there isn't other way to make it go away, my therapist also gave me risperidone, which I started taking last night along with the sleeping pills, I don't have any experience with it for the time being but I hope it'll help with the anxiety.
>> No. 13772 [Edit]
Never saw a point in suicide.
I mean you're gonna die anyway why end it early?
It's not like life HAS to have a meaning for you to live it.
You're here by accident. While you're alive, live. Pursue happiness, do whatever. If you don't find it in the end, fuck it at least you lived to the end of your journey.
You don't have to justify your existence to anyone.

You will have an eternity to be dead.
>> No. 13774 [Edit]
>I mean you're gonna die anyway why end it early?
cluster headaches, chronic pain, psychosis, political protest, stop being a social burden etc...

I mean, as much as your statement is true, you could also say: why bother living when you lose all sense and memory of experience, upon death?
>> No. 13775 [Edit]
Sounds like the ramblings of somebody who's never actually had serious depression.
Suicide is an escape from pain. Pain which is not always temporary.
>> No. 13776 [Edit]
Whenever I think of suicide all I can think about is how much it would hurt my parents
>> No. 16194 [Edit]
I landed myself back in a psych ward — another different one — on Monday. This time, it's for an interrupted suicide attempt — I was caught mid-looking-for-pills-which-my-mother-hid — with a sideline of prescription drug abuse.

The thing I miss most from my home is my computer. A tablet is really not a good substitute.

There's a little confusion involved. I have always assumed, since the diagnoses were first suggested, that I have borderline personality disorder and Asperger's. My usual psychiatrist affirms this, but the psychiatrists here are adamant that one can only have one or the other, and that a combination of both is extremely rare. I don't know what to think.
>> No. 16195 [Edit]
Internet access and tablets in a nuthouse? That's pretty luxurious, never saw any of that stuff on my trip to the slammer.
>> No. 16196 [Edit]
Yup - it's odd. The first things I expected them to confiscate were my 3G modem and my tablet, but they overlooked them.
>> No. 16198 [Edit]
I'd like to share this series of videos of a guy about his life with Avoidant Personality Disorder because I can directly associate with the majority of what he says.
>> No. 16218 [Edit]
This. I can't even imagine how much pain it would bring a parent to lose their child. I could never do that to my parents, no matter how much life sucks.
Even if they were gone, I still wouldn't be able to go through with it. Just thinking of all the time, effort, and money they spent on me, throwing it all away early would be a waste.
>> No. 16221 [Edit]
I suffer from manic depression and agoraphobia.
My mom took me to a mental hospital when I was 16 because I stopped going to school and started to rarely go outside, that's when I was diagnosed and medicated, spent a month there.
I couldn't deal with leaving the hospital and relapsed into reclusion several months later, was a hikki until recently, I'd go around 4-6 months without going outside, my longest stretch of time spent inside was 8 months.
Lately I've been fed up with my situation so I've been trying to get my mother to help me get medicated again but she doesn't have as much free time as she used to, I've even begun trying to force myself to go outside, works about every few weeks now so I must be improving, I have the occasional panic attack or a suicidal thought from the stress of going outside this much but it's manageable.

I'm 20 now just in case you were wondering.
I don't know how to be an adult.
>> No. 16228 [Edit]
I can never close every tab in my browser, I don't think I have very bad insomnia problem, I simply lack the will to want to sleep. The feeling of missing out on my time even though it'll be there when I wake up. Is there anyway to trick myself into not staying awake? Any drugs that don't make you sleepy, but make you have lazy judgement? Cannabis is the only one I can think of, but I hear it's bad to become dependent on it. I don't like the effect of alcohol either because the amounts that make me sleepy, make me feel pretty crappy and low energy overall.
>> No. 16230 [Edit]
I used to have this to an extreme. What helped in my case was asking myself whether or not I enjoyed refreshing boards for 16 hours on that day and why I thought that an extra hour or two wasn't going to make me think that it was a waste. Most days, my answer is no, I did not enjoy my time doing this routine. This causes me to get angry and upset at myself, making me want to go to sleep as soon as possible and forget about life. I guess it depends on your value system. I don't see it working for an immortal person or one that doesn't care about the passing of time in the greater picture. In a word, get really depressed about something to the point of wanting to fall asleep forever. That's probably not healthy to do everyday, though. Cannabis has a large spectrum of reactions from people, much like any drug. There are stories of it helping a lot with falling asleep, and others of the opposite.

Post edited on 8th Nov 2013, 12:23pm
>> No. 16237 [Edit]
My doctor has said I have a personality disorder, but the only specialists that could help me on his recommendation, none of them are taking patients on my healthcare.

I have memory lapses and shift in and out of coherence, and at times I 'wake up' complete lost to the current situation. My other me seems to like sleeping more than keeping myself employed and shuts off my wake up alarm even after plenty of sleep. I'm on thin ice at my shit job from being late in the mornings and I don't know how to tell my boss without putting my job at further risk.

Any advice?
>> No. 16238 [Edit]
Start a fight club.
>> No. 16239 [Edit]
Set up a cruel wake-up alarm that cannot be shut off and will wake you up without failure. Several loud alarms at various hidden locations around the house, a contraption that drops a bucket of water on you, or something like that.
>> No. 16242 [Edit]
File 138445309266.jpg - (66.61KB , 562x534 , fun things should be banned.jpg )
Generalized anxiety disorder, severe depression, borderline personality disorder.
Diagnosed and medicated, citalopram only made me start cutting though, so they gave me diazepam for the anxiety too
>> No. 16243 [Edit]
Some smartphone alarm clocks have a feature that can use the GPS to detect whether you're moving faster than a certain speed to figure out whether you're on your way to work. I think on Android Alarm Clock Xtreme does that but I've never tested that particular feature.
>> No. 16244 [Edit]
Depression, anxiety, and ADHD.

I didn't want to rely on meds, so I stopped cold turkey around a year ago. Needless to say, I feel like shit, but I want to learn to deal with things on my own.

The worst part is not being able to sleep. I feel like most of my problems would dissipate if I could get a good night's rest every once in a while.
>> No. 16260 [Edit]
If you are struggling to sleep, please look into melatonin. I take a quarter of a 3mg pill every few days if I know I'll need to be well rested the next day, and it has made a huge difference to my quality of life.

If you're trying to live without meds, you could make a case that melatonin doesn't count as meds since your body produces it naturally anyway.
>> No. 16262 [Edit]
Agreed, it puts me out like a rock without making me too groggy in the morning.
>> No. 16266 [Edit]
Having too much of things naturally 'produced' in your body can be harmful like Vitamin A or testosterone. For melatonin it seems just your body produces less of it so you become dependent on it and higher doses to effectively achieve the same knock-out effects. Like other synthesized drugs really.

I'm one to talk. That's what's happening to me haha.
>> No. 16267 [Edit]
Trust me, I tried. Whenever I took it, it made me extremely groggy to the point where I can't get out of bed in the morning. Strange thing is that's the only effect it had, I didn't fall asleep any sooner and I kept waking up multiple times during the night like usual. If I try taking a smaller dose (1 mg), it doesn't do jack shit.
Thanks for the advice though.
>> No. 16927 [Edit]
I feel like the only option I have left is to request a much stronger anti-depressant. I just want things to change. I can't take steps on my own until something puts me on my feet. I'm just a slumped mess and I want to escape it.

Do drugs really help even?
>> No. 16971 [Edit]
Even though emotionally I'm doing okay with all things considered, I know that my body is telling me that I'm about ready to have a full blown anxiety attack which will probably last for days (if not more than a week). All of the telltale signs are there and I am dealing with a lot of stress. I hope my body is lying to me and my hands are getting sweaty and I'm shaking for no reason but I know I'm doomed.

Sometimes but it's really a crapshoot and I don't like what going on medication did to me in the long run.
>> No. 17631 [Edit]
pretty sure I'm a legitimate psychopath, though never diagnosed.
I am completely unfeeling. Sometimes I'll force a feigned emotional reaction to a heavy event just so that I appear normal, but the only time I truly feel anything is out of selfishness.
I went through this phase when I was younger (age 15-17) where I planned many murders and firebombings under the guise of animal rights terrorism. Looking back, I don't think I legitimately felt for the animals I was a part of this movement fighting for. I think I just enjoyed the attention I got from telling people I was a vegan and the ability to feel like I was morally superior to them for it and it was a good excuse to take the lives of others. I knew the repercussions my actions would have and didn't care. I was happily ready to spend my life behind bars because I considered it a step above my current living arrangements and didn't mind being trapped in my own mind. My targets were simple family owned fur and leather clothing stores. Luckily, I never acted on any of my plans for a variety of reasons and soon grew out of this phase.

Currently, I am constantly feeling conflicted and confused about my own emotions or lack there of. Before responding to an event, I try to put myself in the shoes of a healthy minded individual and think "How would he respond to this scenario?" before delivering my act. Usually I fail and end up stuttering over my own words due to my frustration and inability to empathize. Sometimes this leads to such self loathing and doubt that I inflict harm on myself. Not because I feel I deserve it or anything like that, but because I want to feel so desperately. I punch myself and slap myself and drive my fists into the walls and sometimes I can't even feel the physical pain.
My mind is an empty expanse and all I do all day is try to distract myself so I don't have to acknowledge it.
>> No. 17644 [Edit]
I've been seeing a doctor every few months, supposed to be taking some shit pills for my schizoid problems. Today they prescribed some more that should make me more energetic or something. Also got kinda pushed into some mental health classes although I'm not convinced I need them. whole thing is such a bother and i wish they'd just leave me alone. I hate being looked at as being crazy just for not conforming to what's 'normal'.
still living with my mom? Has nothing to do with homes being expensive and requiring two jobs just to pay rent, no there's just something wrong with me!
I don't leave my house very often but thats not becuase I can't afford to go anywhere, it's becuase there's something wrong with me!
I haven't had a job in years but that's not becuase the economy is fucked up or anything there's just something wrong with me!
I got no 3DPD, but that has nothing to do with how revolting 3dpd whores are, it's becuase there's something wrong with me!
I like to be left alone but that has nothing to do with being introverted it's becuase there's something wrong with me!!

>> No. 17688 [Edit]
I'm not really sure how this split/multiple personality disorder stuff works. Is it possible to have multiple personality disorder but be in full control of each of them? Like, if you have conversations with yourself but you're completely in control of both sides? Is it not a mental problem so much as just odd behavior?

The only person I feel truly comfortable talking to is myself. sometimes I literally have to talk myself into things, convince myself I'm right/wrong about things and so forth.
>> No. 17693 [Edit]
I'm no expert, but I think there's at least one condition to being qualified for such a diagnosis - that your conversation is between 2 or more distinctly different egos. Think Gollum. On the other hand, I'm not sure whether it's possible to have the different personalities fluently interact with one another, like in a controlled conversation. It's possible that there are several definitions of split personality disorder.
>> No. 17695 [Edit]
Dissociative identity disorder is a pretty controversial thing, but as I understand it an impairment of control and/or memory is a core criterion of it specifically, but dissociative experiences in general are a much wider (and probably even more poorly categorized and understood) phenomenon than just DID like my particular flavor, depersonalization; there's always been just me, but he's usually not really me. Like I'm looking at the world from the far end of a tunnel terminating at myself.

So—and I mean I'm on the patient side of psychiatry myself so what do I know—but I'd imagine your thing is pretty close in some diagnostic or brain functional way and just not technically as severe at this time.

But I don't know that it'd get diagnosed as a mental health problem if its effect isn't severe enough to impair normal function as such or to be highly distressing. But then seeing as you're on /so/...
>> No. 17696 [Edit]
I'm in your situation besides seeing anyone and I'm definitely screwed up in some way but fuck like I know what. I been having so much more frequent ups and downs. manic, crippling depression, repeat and sometimes even in the same day. I exercise like I always have been for years and eat generally the same but I just go through the motions now and I'm so much more weak with hardly anything to drive me and my energy is very low often now because of it. My visual and audio hallucinations are getting ridiculous and I feel like I live in the twilight zone or something and the world has already ended. This Winter of living as a hiki and only going shopping by tagging along with mom or dad as my way to get out feels like it was finally the straw that broke the camels back. I'm on the internet so much with nothing much else to look forward to so much that my brain feels like scrambled eggs. Not to mention I have almost no money and can't drive nor will anyone let me have a job. At 21 years old, it doesn't fucking cut it anymore.

There's nothing I can do about it, it seems. I'm probably going to be living like this forever till I'm kicked out. I would like my be independent at least but no society won't even let me do that. I've been given an indirect death sentence for not being born socially acceptable enough. This is just another Saturday night in my sweat oven of a room stuff my face with take out pizza feeling like the walls are closing in around me cause the claustrophobia of living like this is also starting to break me. Don't know what to do but I feel like I'm dying.
>> No. 17698 [Edit]
>society won't even let me do that
That's one way of looking at it. The way I look at it is how good/bad cards you've been dealt. As a results it can be an uphill battle to stay in it, it could be hopeless or it could be a breeze. In losing games you either have shitty cards or you're playing them wrong. So either you fold, go down fighting, or maybe you'll pull off the miraculous comeback.
>> No. 17702 [Edit]
I am currently just working with what I got best I can and hoping for a miracle since nothing is going to happen any time soon that isn't one that will help me. And forget the fact that I can't drive, even if I somehow did with a minimum wage job, a car eating away at me money would leave me pocket change putting me back where I started but then with less time to myself and just as little money. I see no way out, I think I'm fucked.
>> No. 17705 [Edit]
OP here, I'm glad that all of us could share their experience and try to lend a hand to a brother in need, it's been a long while and the fact that this didn't die out means that plenty of us have these kind of problems

My OCD diminished almost completely when it comes to intrusive thoughts, roughly 80% or so, but l'm still struggling with depression from time to time because it's chronic, haven't cut in a long while and became a Marijuana grower, something l longed for my entire life, it's one of my passions and it brings happiness to my life in contrast with all the dark

Still taking Sertraline 200mg each day (higher dose), earned tolerance towards Clonazepam and l take it casually or at random, weed helps a lot with anxiety and insomnia, problem is that l'm an outdoor grower and l ran out of it, so l got back to risperidone and levomeprazine to get some sleep, also started to work out at a very obscure gym in my area, easygoing training for now, 3 times a week, mostly to kill the time and avoid my mind going into dark places, after almost dying 2 times from alcohol+pills (my family gave me first aid when l passed out) and l also was very close to cut my throat one night that l felt really bad over something and cut deep in my right arm, trying to live a bit more healthy doesn't seem like a bad idea

I sincerely hope things get stable or even better for all of you, it costed me so many things to achieve what little l have now that it makes me realize how difficult it is to live with this kind of disorders and mental sickness
>> No. 17706 [Edit]
Guess I'll follow suit. I posted about dysthymia, so I'm small-time in comparison, but I guess this isn't a contest. Anyway, leaning more towards light bipolar now, stepping up on lamictal. There's a lot of variations on bipolar, but few legit meds. Still keeping the other meds, that's no problem. Incidentally, I think I'm on a high right now. It's like I'm on a prolonged sugar high, but it'll probably go away in a matter of days. My goal is to keep the highs and cap the lows. Granted this is still self-diagnosed, so who knows.

Regarding sleeping disorder - I've educated myself on the physiology of it, so it feels much less cumbersome. I recommend it.
>> No. 17709 [Edit]
File 140270567568.jpg - (35.47KB , 300x400 , 134025612717.jpg )
I've been diagnosed with dysthmia which I never thought was serious but recently I think I've sunk really low. I could at least keep myself occupied before, but since last week I haven't found anything remotely enjoyable. I just lay in bed all day and all night, sometimes sleeping. Even the couple people I talk to online can't help me.

More than ever I've realized how much i want to be happy. Not just 'fine' or 'okay' or 'usual.' I want to be happy.
>> No. 17710 [Edit]
My psychiatrist thinks I might have the autism.

Can I really get money out of this? What if my parents have plenty of money?
>> No. 17715 [Edit]
I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you aren't trolling. Disability support is often based on household income. So if you live with wealthy parents then no bux for you. If you're enough of an autist to be designated an infirm adult dependent then you're permanently attached to your parents income as long as they are claiming tax benefits from it. Even if you live on your own, you will be asked about your family situation and may be grilled on why your wealthy parents aren't spoonfeeding you instead in the application.
>> No. 17716 [Edit]
That's what I thought.

Also, I'm not trolling. I really am that stupid and lazy.
>> No. 17717 [Edit]
Why do you even want autismbux? They may give you a standard of living above those making minimum wage but certainly not enough to live like some yuppie. If your parents have more than enough there's nothing to worry about. The richer they are, the relatively cheaper you can be to maintain.

Unless you're that kind of rich stereotype wanting to exploit every loophole in which case I suppose you can still try to fake it through with the help of fancy counsel.
>> No. 17718 [Edit]
Not him but I have a rich parent and he wouldn't give me a dime if my life depended on it. I've been trying to get on social security benefits for years with no luck.
>> No. 17779 [Edit]
Are you still living with a parent who isn't in the poverty zone though? If you're out on your own it's easier to prove estrangement which you would need.
>> No. 17780 [Edit]
I'm back, tc. this is my first post I think but I've been here for years until a year ago when I got a job and a 3DPD and due to circumstances I'm back living in a cramped apartment with my least favorite parent. I lost everything I really cared about and I just cleared out my friendslist and made tc my homepage now.

I have anxiety disorders and depression and I think I will need to go back on meds.
>> No. 17781 [Edit]
No, I live with my piss poor mom.
>> No. 17782 [Edit]
What circumstances? And what kind of gf did you get? A nerdy qt3.14?
>> No. 17783 [Edit]
I take it your dad got really rich only after the divorce with your mum? What kind of alimony does she get? You still get child support?
>> No. 17785 [Edit]
yes, none, and no.
>> No. 17786 [Edit]
>I think I will need to go back on meds.
Meaning you were off your meds for a year? With chronic mental disorders - yeah you're probably gonna get a backlash sooner or later, along with your "circumstances" or whatever. Doesn't sound like a good plan to go off your meds in order to live your normal life. Usually you need your meds in order to live a normal life. Right?

>I just cleared out my friendslist and made tc my homepage now
I know where you're coming from with this, but it still makes me pissed to see this fucking stupid measure of damage control in use. Just go into hibernation, get better like you did before, and carry on with that normal life thing you had going to the best of your ability. Stop burning bridges and just chill. If your meds work, fucking stay on them. You're not getting cured, ever, you're just hitting chemicals that makes the symptoms take a trip to the Bahamas. This isn't a fairytale, Peter.

Post edited on 21st Jun 2014, 7:27pm
>> No. 17789 [Edit]
I'm with this guy, you should never NEVER drop your meds
>> No. 17790 [Edit]
I have paranoid schizophrenia, among other things. My current medications include klonopin and risperdone. Not much else to say. My memory is terrible. I only need to pass 2 more classes to finish university (super senior). It was the worst the summer between my freshman and sophomore years. That's when I got help. It's been theorized that the stresses associated with first year university studies are what triggered it. There's a family history of both schizophrenia and manic depression on both sides of my family.
>> No. 17795 [Edit]
Im not big on taking meds forever. It is medicine, you're supposed to take it for a while, and then when you're cured you stop taking it. Its supposed to cure you, not be some kind of permanent crutch.
>> No. 17796 [Edit]
Lately I've been having urges to escape through all-consuming distraction. Not media - I want to do something reckless and exciting, that takes all of my attention so I can't dwell on thoughts. But I wouldn't even know where to begin. I'm too scared anyway, a lot of impulsive activities require interacting with people (hitchhiking, buying heroin) or even run the risk of dealing with police (train surfing, urban exploration). Many require money. Maybe such distractions are just not for me. Maybe I desire them because I'm pathetic, but they are actually just more things I can't achieve because I'm pathetic.
I wish I could have died in that period of early childhood before self awareness (maybe it coincides with the years before your first memory, so under three years old?). At that point it would be like a dog's death, without mental torment. But you need self awareness to have the will to die - dogs don't kill themselves. By the time you can take action it's already too late by definition. Wishing for that isn't wishing I did something differently, it's wishing something happened differently. And if I'm going to do that I may as well wish to have never been born, that would be the best solution.
>> No. 17797 [Edit]
Is it a fact that you're supposed to only take it for a while, or are you just making that up? By the looks of it you didn't get cured, so what's up with that then?
>> No. 17798 [Edit]
For the past few months i'm under mounting, seemingly immovable pressure in every aspect of my life and its getting worse and worse, every outlet i have is not working anymore and i think i'm going to crack
>> No. 17800 [Edit]
chronic depression, anxiety disorders, schizophrenia and the like cannot be 'cured', you need meds for life
>> No. 17801 [Edit]
You gotta ask yourself what you value the most: Stability or a med-free lifestyle.

There's no way I'm risking a heavy episode of depression for the off-chance of having shaken off my chronic disorder. When it hits, it's like going into a deep slumber for several months, maybe even a years if one is slow to pick up on it. I don't have time for that. I do however have time for popping a few meds every morning. To each one's own.
>> No. 17821 [Edit]
File 140401710336.png - (45.98KB , 374x261 , rain of grain teaches.png )
SSRIs are no more effective than a placebo for treating depression. The drug companies just submitted the research that made their drugs look good.

That is not to say they don't affect mental functioning, just that it isn't effective at curing depression (probably because it's not curable, it's a reasonable reaction to living in this world). Sertraline made me mildly psychopathic. I relate to this story:

Therapy is a waste of time and money. I think it was in an episode of True Detective where Rust makes an off-hand comment that compares psychiatrists to religion: they both sell salvation. Too bad salvation doesn't exist in this world.

While waiting for an appointment, I picked up a copy of some psychiatrist magazine. It had an article about psychopaths. It mentioned "successful" psychopaths and how they are often high-ranking members of business and medicine. You don't fucking say... Unethical people lead unethical industries? Should we congratulate them for playing the system to everyone else's detriment? Apparently, yes, because they are good at evading the law. Fuck this goddamn world. Fuck everyone in it. I want to just start killing people. Cruelty is what seems to succeed in this world, so why shouldn't I join in? You know, if you can't beat them, join them, right?

PROTIP: don't even hint at wanting to suicide. It won't help. What will they be able to do? I mean, besides convincing you to waste about half a year in an institution instead of just helping you get a goddamn job? Will they tell you everything will be alright? Probably, yes, but it doesn't mean a goddamn thing. It's their job to convince you you need them so they can keep getting money. Now, it may be true that your psychiatrist has good intentions despite the rampant corruption, but good intentions aren't fucking magic, and nothing will save anyone.

Even with good intentions, they are being lied to by the drug companies. I worked at the front desk of this institution, and it is true that drug company representatives will come by and try to convince doctors to use their drugs. That's all fine and well if it weren't for the fact that they lie and also offer "incentives" as if the decision as to which drug a patient should get merits the same amount of thought as getting a free sandwich for customer loyalty at goddamn Subway.
>> No. 17822 [Edit]
Definetly not curing my depression but Sertraline worked for my OCD very well, and benzos work for anxiety too, of course meds alone won't help you get out of any bad situation you might find yourself in but they can repel unwanted emotions caused by chemical imbalance in your brain.
>> No. 17823 [Edit]
Nice conspiracy theory
>> No. 17824 [Edit]
Preach on brother, I don't let the psychiatrists control me neither. I'm onto their plot.

Hey, do you know what shape a tinfoil hat should ideally have to offer the most protection? I usually see either form-fitting/dome shapes or cone-shaped ones, but I was wondering which one was better, or if the shape even matters at all.
>> No. 17825 [Edit]
>SSRIs are no more effective than a placebo for treating depression.
I can't access your second link. The blog only has one reference that's truly relevant, and it's a paid source. It's important to have a primary source available to study the method and results if you're going to use that information. Any kind of medication will work to a varying degree on every patient. There's an infinite amount of potential factors to take into consideration, so you just have to start somewhere. When treating depression with Zoloft, you can determine its effectiveness in exactly 4 weeks time. The 2 first weeks will be the worst, and long term will be better. From what I gathered, the findings only applied to mild-to-moderat depression. The result will be different if the patient group have moderate-to-severe depression. From my experience, this is common knowledge. OCD and anxiety is a topic in itself.

>The drug companies just submitted the research that made their drugs look good.
As long as it's not falsified, it's each institute's responsibility to check its credibility and usefulness.

>Sertraline made me mildly psychopathic. I relate to this story:
That's the same page you referenced earlier, I don't see any relevance. What you meant to say is that "Sertraline made me mildly psychotic", there's a difference. According to my national directory of pharmaceutical products, psychosis is a rare side effect with a >=1/10 000 to <1/1 000 probability when taking zoloft/sertraline. Consider yourself unlucky, if the medication truly was the cause. Alcohol and psychoactive drugs, for example, are more common causes. I can mention that there's a myriad of possible side effects for this drug. You and your therapist have to decide if it's worth it or try another medication.

>"successful" psychopaths and how they are often high-ranking members of business
Common knowledge. Their mental condition is no one's business as long as they don't break any laws or pose a threat. The same goes for you.

>don't even hint at wanting to suicide. It won't help.
If you want help, then you're not in the danger zone - you're just tired of life in its current state.

>instead of just helping you get a goddamn job?
That's the hope, if there's potential to rehabilitate/habilitate the patient into a state proper for work. It's however not their job to give you a job.

>Will they tell you everything will be alright? (...) It's their job to convince you you need them so they can keep getting money.
Any ethical health worker won't promise what they can't promise. Your milage may vary.

Your frustration with your respective healthcare system is totally fair. What your country has on offer is obviously not the best; I can tell that you're angry with it. It's too bad.

Post edited on 29th Jun 2014, 1:35pm
>> No. 17827 [Edit]
I spent the first 13 years of my life crying if somebody touched me, still happens a lot kinda. Finally being tested for autism. My mum says 'well I cry too sometimes, do I have autism?' And I can't stand it.
>> No. 17831 [Edit]
How bad was it? Like if someone just brushed past you how hard would you cry opposed to being hugged? Can you hug stuffed animals, pillows, blankets, pets?

I don't really think I'd be comfortable with hugging someone but I'm fine with just touching. A lot of dakimakura-hugging takes place though....
>> No. 17833 [Edit]
>That's the same page you referenced earlier, I don't see any relevance.
My bad. I meant

>According to my national directory of pharmaceutical products, psychosis is a rare side effect
Psychotic as in lack of empathy and stuff.

>Common knowledge. Their mental condition is no one's business as long as they don't break any laws or pose a threat. The same goes for you.
It's easy to not break the law when you write it.

>As long as it's not falsified, it's each institute's responsibility to check its credibility and usefulness.
They did that with the meta-study, and nobody cared. Also, it is difficult to run independent non-meta studies, because the drug company will fight you in court until you run out of money and you won't be able to publish your findings.

>It's however not their job to give you a job.
The place I was at had vocational services. It was their job to help me get a job, but I had to go through tons of bullshit to finally get to that.
>> No. 17836 [Edit]
It used to be that I didn't like living things touching me, I could just about deal with being brushed past if I rubbed it after, to get rid of the feeling, I guess. Teddies were fine. I'm pretty good at avoiding being touched now and I was then too so it wasn't as bad as it could have been.
>> No. 17853 [Edit]
>living things touching me
I take this excludes dust mites and other microscope critters?
>> No. 17860 [Edit]
Well, here I am again. I started back up on Vyvanse and some new meds, but I still feel like shit the majority of the time. At least I can enjoy things for a couple of hours until I crash. Nothing really seems to click for me and my sleep has gotten worse.

Also, I cried for the first time in a while today. Not full out bawling, but I just covered up my face and silently cried for a few minutes. Usually I can keep in my emotions, but thinking about my birthday coming up in a few months made me kinda lose it. The older I get the more I disappoint my parents. They're good people, but I just can't meet their expectations. All they want is for me to be able to sustain myself when they're gone, but I can't even live up to that. I don't want to be here in the first place. If I didn't love them, I'd probably be long gone by now.
>> No. 17961 [Edit]
File 140487296398.png - (213.06KB , 833x697 , nhk caffeine.png )
>>17821 again

>Psychotic as in lack of empathy and stuff.
Goddammit, I got confused and used the wrong word and just made things more confusing. I meant psychopathic. Like, it made me want to hurt people.

I quit the sertraline, but I still felt like shit. Thinking about suicide constantly etc. Then I started using caffeine every day, and it seems to be much more effective than the sertraline was at making me feel better. I actually want to do stuff now.

So I feel a lot better now. Yay.
Also, now that I'm off of sertraline, I can try drugs without risking serotonin syndrome. I still don't really value my life enough to not try them.
>> No. 17964 [Edit]
>Also, now that I'm off of sertraline, I can try drugs without risking serotonin syndrome.

Try DXM, I got to kill my own brain with a sword on it without breaking a sweat , it's truly magical.
>> No. 17975 [Edit]
It's a term not used in psychiatry in my country, so it may be dodgy to make decisions on this ground. Environmental and genetic dispossession might be a cause. You may want to look into sociopathic and antisocial personality disorder. As far as I know, it's going to stick for life. I'll provide source down below, not sure if you can get that free. According to my national medical encyclopaedia, more appropriate biochemical treatment includes nevroleptika for aggression, and antidepressive for depression. Benzodiazepiner should be avoided.

That's weird. Good on you, anyway.

Patrick, Christopher J, ed. (2005). Handbook of Psychopathy. Guilford Press. pp. 440–3.

Hare, Robert D. (1999). Without Conscience: The Disturbing World of the Psychopaths Among Us. New York: Guilford Press.

I'll have a look at it later.

>They did that with the meta-study, and nobody cared.
Depends who requested it, I guess.

>It's easy to not break the law when you write it.
Okay there, buddy.

Post edited on 9th Jul 2014, 3:15am
>> No. 17981 [Edit]
What's a good treatment for depression other than meds? I know things like 3d shit shouldn't make me feel depressed, but whenever I think of things like that I go into depression and whatever I want to get done doesn't get done at all. So whenever I feel depressed, I lose my appetite, I couldn't swallow my food, I can't think straight, etc.

Whenever I see some adorable airbrushed photos of 3dpd seiyuu with makeup and nice lighting, my heart goes dokidoki of how adorable and pretty she looks and then I get depressed. I know it makes me sort of happy, but the happiness is gone not long after I look at them. Then I go back to being delighted and filled with laughter when I realize that 3dpd women are not worth it. Then it happens again and again.

I feel like talking to people about my problems sort of alleviates my depressive state. And just taking to people and friends in general sort of eases it a lot. I don't want to take meds because it's just treatment and not a permanent cure.

I woke up after a moment of depression and didn't feel depressed at first but then it happened again.
>> No. 17986 [Edit]
I might be getting diagnosed with ADD. It would make sense, as my lack of ability to concentrate and be aware makes me angry with myself every day. I'm looking forward to trying ADD meds.
>> No. 17987 [Edit]
If you've had it for a long time (months), it's not going away. Not with pseudo scientific non-biochemical treatment, anyway. You get diagnosed, you get your prescription, maybe some group/one-on-one therapy, you take your meds and you stick with them. If it doesn't work, you go back again and you'll try something else.
>> No. 17988 [Edit]
If you have any say in it, make sure you get Concerta (Adderall that cannot be snorted) or Adderall. Ritalin is almost always less effective.
>> No. 17990 [Edit]
I never had it before, but it suddenly happened. I'm not as depressed as I was a few days ago, but I still haven't regained my appetite.
>> No. 18005 [Edit]
Concerta is Ritalin.
>> No. 18006 [Edit]
how is everyone holding out?
>> No. 18007 [Edit]
You are right. I meant Vyvanse.
>> No. 18114 [Edit]
I'm doing okay. A spot of breakthrough psychosis, but nothing serious.
>> No. 18124 [Edit]
I'm getting worse as of late, the intrusive thinking showed up more often and I'm feeling overwhelmed by anxiety and fear more often, I just hope that my body didn't stop reacting to sertraline slowly
>> No. 18157 [Edit]
I had a pretty disturbing out of body experience during a shower about a week ago. As I was standing there, I suddenly became completely numb. I could not make any sudden movements, the best I could do was twitch my fingers and raise my forearm a couple centimeters. After a few moments of being in this semi-paralyzed state, I started losing my grasp on reality as well. I became very comfortable and felt almost like I was going to fall asleep; my vision became hazy. And this is where shit started to get really weird.
I started viewing myself from what I can best describe as a fixed 3rd person camera angle like in the old resident evil games pointed towards myself.
Only it wasn't exactly me... I had become some sort of twisted hybrid of a vintage wooden crash test dummy crossed with a blow up doll. I could not see below my waist, but the upper body was basically just your standardfare crash test dummy chest but with synthetic nipples applied in their respective positions. My mouth was a gaping open pitch black hole just like your usual blow up dolls, and my eyes were very cartoony almost comically painted on, using only the colors black and white. I had no nose.
The hair was the only part of me that was normal. I still had my long black hair and it was reacting as it should when the water fell upon it.
As for what exactly my sick blow up doll x crash test dummy self was doing during this time... he was just sort of standing there begrudgingly and breathing heavily. He would shrug and then slump his shoulders down repeatedly and slightly shake his head as though he were depressed or apathetic every once and a while. He made no sound though, I don't even remember hearing the water running actually. I think all I heard was white noise.
I guess I started falling unconscious after a few minutes of viewing myself like this because I nearly fell over in the tub. I snapped back to reality just before I landed on my ass and caught myself. I felt fine after that and went on with my day. I don't ever really get scared so I was pretty unfazed by this. I thought it was kind of cool.
>> No. 18160 [Edit]
I'm getting under the impression that I will be depressed at times no matter where I am or what I am doing. Before I would get really obsessive about running away. (Which is funny because I rarely leave the house by myself.)
Just started taking anti depressants. Just started taking surveys. Took my sleeping/antianxiety for the first time today, but I'm stayed up anyway.
I'm supposed to be getting up early, instead of keeping the odd hours I have been, and am being held to it. Monday I woke up with a terrible mixed up disconnected mind. Closest I've felt to psychotic in a while. It passed.
Well goodnight TC
>> No. 18172 [Edit]
I'm not interested in anything life has to offer, but better the devil you know.

It's painful, but I'm afraid that the alternative will be worse.
>> No. 18173 [Edit]
Does anyone here have experience with electroconvulsive therapy? My doctor recommended it for me but I feel a bit reluctant. Especially potential side effects scare me.
>> No. 18174 [Edit]
I don't have any experience but I hear it's quite common, if that helps.
>> No. 18175 [Edit]
I haven't had it myself, but in group therapy, I've seen the short-term effects in people who have. They talk slower, and often talk about memory problems. I haven't seen what they are like long after the treatment stops, though.
>> No. 18190 [Edit]
There was a user here who underwent ECT for severe social anxiety and wrote about it in his blog. He said it helped a little, but also gave him amnesia. I won't link to his blog cause he's a pretty sensitive guy and I dunno if he'd like that. I would only look at it as a choice of last resort.
>> No. 18320 [Edit]
How do you know when you have been diagnosed with something? Does the doctor just say, "Okay, you have x, congrats". My doctors really hasn't told me anything but when my new doctor was reading over the notes of my last doctor, I saw on his screen major depressive disorder and agoraphobia so I guess I have that.

I went to a psychiatrist for a few months but he said we should stop until I decide what I'm going to do and get a job or enroll in my courses. I think he did help with my anxiety. He also taught me about mindfulness.

Within the last few weeks I have started making posts on the internet which used to cause me distress just thinking about it so I guess I'm making progress with that.

When I went to see the doctor a few weeks ago and said I wanted to kill myself he took it really seriously and now I have to see a social worker every week as well. I have told six other councilors, doctors etc that I have thoughts of suicide and this has been the only person that has really reacted to it.

People seem to think depression is caused by lack/excess of sleep, poor diet, no exercise and no sunlight. I have learnt having all those things do not make you feel better.

I am currently on 100mg clomipramine, 25mg quetiapine and 30mg mirtazapine.

I'm not sure what else there is to try.
>> No. 18322 [Edit]
It's really hard thinking about people in our situation, and knowing that there's no escape feels excruciating.

I've been on therapy for long now and at first l thought psychiatrists actually do helped with prescriptions instead of pretending to care and give generic advise like psychologist do.

Think about it for a second, they don't care about their patients, we are just the name of our condition in their files that just have to read up before you arrive.

They are the same as every other capitalist jew out there, they l'll give you expensive medication that will fry your brain in the longterm so you become either a zombie in some random asylum or a brainwashed wage slave.

You know it's funny, they were not born in this shitty era and most of them are way past 40s, already settled down with a degree and a huge income just by being pretty much a drug dealer with a lisence that talks a lot, the fact that medication temporary helps in many cases is the only excuse they have.

l'm still taking 200mg sertraline a day and tons of clonazepam whenever l feel like it to rush through the days that became unbearable lately because l don't really give a fuck anymore, l wouldn't be surprised if medication got stagnant even, because my disorders got worse and on top of that my shitty parents thinking that l just make excuses because 'l don't want to get a job' when l was suffering from multiples disorders that ruined my life, seriously fuk this world.
>> No. 18323 [Edit]

How do you go the doctor in the first place?

I have anxiety, meaning I can't call doctors or go to appointments BECAUSE of this anxiety. The one time I tried to bring it up years ago they brushed me off and told me to make a new appointment, so I didn't bother.

The idea of sitting with someone talking about my problems makes me throw up. Making phone calls to schedule a visit. Anything. Please explain. I've now gone over a decade with debilitating anxiety and no one will believe me because, as a result of the condition itself, I don't have a piece of paper to prove it.
>> No. 18324 [Edit]
I put off going to the doctor for about seven years. But when I did go, it wasn't really my choice. My dad was worried about me and asked a counselor to talk to me and anything just flowed on from that.

Talking about things is really hard but I don't really care anymore. When I used to say that I felt like a failure and I'm letting my family down, I would start crying but now I don't. Whenever suicide was brought up, I would get this strange feeling in my dick but know I don't.

People also seem to believe that if you talk about your problems that they will magically disappear. So don't think that going to the doctor will solve all your problems.

But yeah, I used to find it funny before that everyone in threads like these seemed to have apparently severe social anxiety, but still somehow manage to talk to people and manage organizing appointments. But I guess most people had circumstances like me.

There is no simple solution for people with severe depression and anxiety. Positive thinking and some sugar pills is all it takes to solve 99% of cases but it doesn't work with everyone.
>> No. 18522 [Edit]
I have how been taken off quetiapine and put on olanzapine 5mg twice a day and lorazepam 1mg whenever I have thoughts of death. I tried falling to sleep without quetiapine but I end up just lying in bed for hours so I take it anyway since I still have some.

I took olanzapine the other day and it made me really tired. I couldn't concentrate on reading. I was already tired during the day because of the 150mg clomipramine and this makes it worse. My sister said I fell asleep during the day. I haven't taken them since. It does stop rumination and stuff like that though.

I think clomipramine gives me tumors when I'm nervous. I have to perform in two weeks time in front of an audience so shaking isn't going to help anything.
>> No. 18524 [Edit]
Story of my life.

I don't know how people get government support either. You have to jump through so many hoops just to prove you're constantly ill and in need of support, that someone actually suffering from debilitating anxiety is fucked.
>> No. 18525 [Edit]
>someone actually suffering from debilitating anxiety is fucked.
yes it's kind of ironic how the vary things they force people to do in order to prove they have a disability are things that are hard to do with their disability. It's like forcing a crippled man to jog for a mile before they accept he's crippled.
>> No. 18527 [Edit]
You guys do realize that the government giving you money to feed your anxiety doesn't help you. The fact you have to make a phone call and talk to someone about your problems shows that you actually want to get over them. Rather than someone to swoop down and give you money for no reason. They have asked me several times if I would like to go on a benefit but I have always turned it down.

And don't worry about things like I'm won't be depressed enough or anxious enough, the standards are incredibly low. They'd probably diagnose you with agoraphobia if you can't hold eye contact for over 10 seconds.

Of all the people I have talked to, only one person has compared my case to others in a jokily way.

I wish you the best.
>> No. 18532 [Edit]
It's not about the money and it's not about meeting standards. It's about that I can't get help, period. People who don't have debilitating anxiety don't understand this but it's bad enough that you can't take the steps needed to get help. You can't make a phonecall. You can't keep contacting the person that will assist you. You can't turn that doorknob to step outside. You're stuck in a single spot and can't move.

The people who get help never need it, the people who need it will never get it. That's all I'm getting at.
>> No. 18537 [Edit]
That is law of the nature. Like chicks in the nest, only those who open their mouth widest get the food, not ones who's hungriest. There is no such thing as fairness in the real world, only inside imagination.
>> No. 18538 [Edit]
Yeah, you're right. That's just how it is.
>> No. 18581 [Edit]
Now I'm on quetiapine on top of clonazepam and sertraline.

My therapist told me about putting me on a mental ward of some sort, which l refued and made clear that l won't be leaving my home.

Her views on ''getting better'' means going out and eventually becoming a wage slave, so l decided to ignore her nonsense and use her as some sort of legal drug dealer to keep my mind stable, I can't change things and l don't want to.
>> No. 18592 [Edit]
Thank you for your replies. I will have my first session tomorrow to treat my clinical depression. I really didn't have much to say about it after all and now it is going to happen. I am pretty scared about it to be honest. I'll write about here if anyone cares and I remember.
>> No. 18593 [Edit]
i changed my meds myself and now im depressed as hell i regret it
>> No. 18638 [Edit]
So, I got a psychiatric evaluation at the local university for ADHD, and I managed to get in the 98th percentile for lingual abilities, above average for calculations and reading comprehension, but severally below average in pattern recognition and executive functions (~10th percentile).

I just started medication, at a very low dose, and already it is making a huge difference in how I keep track of things. The biggest difference is that my frame of mind is more rigid and uninterrupted, which has greatly improved my writing speed, attention, and logic processing.

I now feel slightly peeved that my parents pinned it on laziness. I was lazy at one point, but by High School I would try very hard to strive academically. However, while I have pretty good willpower in and of itself, it only tended to manifest itself when I performed something which primarily depended on my not doing something, as continuously performing a task would lead to an inevitable distraction. It really makes sense in retrospect, but it made feel depressed and broken.

Hopefully, that is in the past, though.
>> No. 18641 [Edit]
File 140986031338.gif - (791.22KB , 450x253 , sOjASo9.gif )
good stuff man, gl
>> No. 18662 [Edit]
What kind of meds were you put on? Stims? NRI's?

I was diagnosed with ADD after gradually messing up college to the point that I had to stop for awhile. Initially I was diagnosed with just chronic depression.

For ADD, I was prescribed Concerta and Ritalin, but I chose to stick with Ritalin so I can be more flexible with when to take it. I've improved in a way similar to what you described, which has been great. I've been taking it for about year now.

However, if you were prescribed stimulants, there may be some things you should watch out for, like if you decide to take more of it than prescribed under the pretext of wanting to be more productive, or taking large doses for outright recreational purposes.

That said, if instead you've been taking the NRI type, I'd like to know your experience with it.
>> No. 18780 [Edit]
My mental health can be summe up pretty easily.
I want to ride this roller coaster
>> No. 18782 [Edit]
So this will be the location of the tohno-chan meetup if it's ever built?
>> No. 18819 [Edit]
I've now been put on lithium for my depression. I thought lithium was only used for bipolar disorder, but I guess I was wrong. Hopefully this works.
>> No. 18827 [Edit]
I have no experience with lithium whatsoever, please report back if it helps you anon.
>> No. 18840 [Edit]
Been on fluoxetine (prozac) for about 6 months now for depression, had a slight improvement, mainly I'm being more hopeful about the future, but I still have really dark days.

As for side effects, tiredness is the big one. Even after 6 months fluoxetine still makes me tired, not as much as it did at first though. I was always really tired the first few weeks.

Also I've been seeing a therapist for 2 months now. So far it's been a waste of time but it does get me out of the house every few weeks so I keep going.
>> No. 18841 [Edit]
SSRI's help with my anxiety quite well. Unfortunately, that is the source of my energy.
My tiredness caused me to gain a ton of weight. Better than feeling like shit all the time I guess.

Careful with these meds. They cause all kinds of not so fun sexual side-effects. Low libido or an inability to have an orgasm. They don't talk much about these, but they can really suck. Wellbutrion (bupropion) can help if you run into those.

Same if you quit taking the abruptly. Prozac doesn't have too much risk of withdrawal, but others do. God I remember stopping Effexor. That was hell.

Finding what meds help can be a never ending quest.
>> No. 18843 [Edit]
I second this. low libido, weight gain and withdrawal are the things you have to watch out for the most.
>> No. 18844 [Edit]
I've had issues with weight gain before, but not with libido. In fact, a couple of them have had the opposite effect, and actually increased my libido and strength of orgasm. Unfortunately, I didn't much want the former.

Regardless, it definitely can (and almost always does) take a long time to find medication that works without adverse side effects.
>> No. 18845 [Edit]
Whats wrong with effexor (venlafaxine) withdraw? I'm on that now.

As with side effects, I've been on about ten or so different meds and they tend to make you less thinking of sex and such. I think it was clomipramine or something I was on at the same time made it take longer to orgasm, which is good considering it usual takes me ten seconds.

Clomipramine made my hands shake when nervous, which is strange for a anti-anxiety medication. Taking olanzapine in the morning put me to sleep. I think 45mg mirtazapine made me hungry all the time, but that's not so bad.

I've never experienced the zombie effect people go on about. I think that's what happens when people who aren't really depressed take medication for it.
>> No. 18846 [Edit]
Does anyone have any experience with Pregabalin? Is it any good for treating anxiety? Are there a lot of side-effects?
>> No. 18848 [Edit]
Effexor is notorious for causing withdrawal. For some people it happens with just one missed dose.

If it makes you feel better and doesn't cause too many side effects, keep taking it. If you need to quit taking it do so slowly.

It doesn't stay in your system for very long compared to say Prozac, so that is why it can be a bitch to quit. Brain zaps (funny feeling in your head and limbs) and other stuff can and often will happen if you aren't careful.

Too bad I couldn't handle the side effects for me (impossible to have orgasm = extreme sexual frustration). The stuff did help me enjoy other things.
>> No. 18849 [Edit]
My hands shake a lot more often since I started taking medication but I'm on sertraline,and I have been told it's one of it's common side-effects.
>> No. 18850 [Edit]
Watch your mood. Zoloft (sertraline) can make someone very angry if it turns out you are bipolar.

For me it gave an uncomfortable clenched feeling in my stomach, I was hungry but didn't want to eat.
>> No. 18866 [Edit]
I'm literally autistic, and probably socially anxious and depressed, but neither of those were ever diagnosed. I have no clue how to function in life, everyone talks to me like a child, and whenever I get angry (which happens multiple times a day), I snarl and hit myself. It feels awful knowing that my parents were better parents than a lot of other parents in this redneck filled area, and they just had to end up with the child with an incurable mental disorder. And the problems with anxiety, paranoia, and depression I've acquired over the years haven't helped in the slightest.
>> No. 18881 [Edit]
The doctor said he wants me to go to hospital for two weeks. Has anyone been to a psych ward? What was it like? Did it help? I'm scared. I don't want to go.

Post edited on 14th Oct 2014, 6:35pm
>> No. 18882 [Edit]
This is speaking about the US only.
It's basically a hospital where everything you say will be used against you, no one can be trusted, society considers you scum meaning the nurses (who are massive bitches on power trips) can do whatever they want to you short of killing you, and every moment of sadistic bullying is for your own good.
>> No. 18883 [Edit]
Don't go.

They can get rid of the last remnants of sanity in a man's brain, then you will be stuck in places like that for the rest of your life until you kill yourself or die, and if you get out things won't be the same, just don't.
>> No. 18885 [Edit]

Never been myself but I spent a lot of time googling about them out of fear I might end up in one. Every person I found describing their experience made it sound like it's where they put people they've given up on treating. A lot of them mentioned getting worse due to constantly being around actually insane people that hear voices and shit.
>> No. 18886 [Edit]
Thanks for replying. I don't live in America.

I've decided thanks to you that I'm not going. I hope I don't change my mind. Everyone in my family I've talked to is leaning towards me going. My doctor has been seeing me weekly, which I'm his only patient that does that. I've been put on lots of different meds like lithium and no change. I guess he has just gave up on me.

I think its because I said I was close to killing myself and explained how I would do it. If I didn't say this I have I feeling I wouldn't be going through all of this.

I also had a bit of a fantasy that I'd meet someone like me and I'd make a friend. But I know that's too far fetched.
>> No. 18887 [Edit]
Did you try religion? I'm actually serious.
>> No. 18888 [Edit]
Kind of. I read the first two books of the Bible two years ago and got bored and stopped. My Christian aunt keeps telling me every time I see her that Christianity saved her life etc and that I should read the New Testament. I might try reading it tomorrow.
>> No. 18892 [Edit]
I've changed my mind. I do that a lot. I will be going later today I guess. I'll report back how it goes in two weeks.
>> No. 18893 [Edit]
I have autism and it would be really nice to be able to talk to other people with autism. I don't really have anyone to talk to to begin with but it would be nice to talk with someone who can relate to be like "Do you do this thing or feel this way sometimes, too?".
>> No. 18902 [Edit]
Apparently you can leave on weekends for up to eight hours a day, so that's what I'm doing now. It's really boring. When you don't have a computer it's amazing how long the day feels. I've read about 60 pages of a book in Japanese, and solved one Sudoku puzzle which is the first I've done since I was about nine. They also had a gym, with exercycles and a rowing machine so I spent 15 minutes on the rowing machine. But it's kind of awkward because you are not allowed in the gym by yourself so a nurse just sits in the corner reading a newspaper. They have tens of jigsaw puzzles you could do. On weekdays they have activities on. Yesterday I did cooking and made a banana cake and pikelets with a woman.

The people they are quite nice. I haven't really talked to anyone much. I don't really feel anxious so anything. But they are some really bad people there. There's a retarded lady that sits in front of the TV all day. A gang member with downs or something that wanders around with no shirt on so you can see all his gang tattoos. Those are the only people that make me feel nervous. Everyone else seems alright.

I think the increase in medication has helped. I think they were increasing venlafaxine and lithium. I don't have any suicidal thoughts now.

You don't spend much time with the doctors. Yesterday it was about 20 minutes in a whole day.

I can't remember anything else at the moment. I might write more later.
>> No. 18903 [Edit]
Where are you from?
>> No. 18904 [Edit]
I suppose the nurse sits there in case someone decides to go out using the machines somehow.

Honestly I don't know what to think, just picturing myself being obligued to stay somewhere even if I can take a break doesn't feel alright, I hope things go well for you, did they tell you when are you going to be released?
>> No. 18905 [Edit]
What country are you in?
>> No. 18907 [Edit]

Interesting to read, wish you all the best.
>> No. 18912 [Edit]
I live in New Zealand.

Since I have improved, I'm on night leave and have to go back on Thursday (two nights from now). If I'm still good they will discharge me. I don't have suicidal thoughts and I don't feel depressed anymore. I still have my vague anxiety that prevents me from joining in in a lot of conversations, or starting conversations with people. I would of liked to talked to people about why they were in here and all that stuff, but I didn't. I mostly just read. But I joined in all the group activities.

They have increased my lithium and venlafaxine which I think made the difference. The change of scenery is also good I think. Sitting in your room all day ruminating about the same things gets you stuck in a hole were just by being in your room makes you ruminate.

The nurses were nice. They talk to you sometimes. And they always remember your name. The beds were fine. I feel asleep pretty fast. The food was good. I might have bad taste or low standards with food but it was fine. The only thing was the porridge what was made with water, not milk.

There were about ten other people there and I had trouble remembering their names.They all seem to remember your name. They are all nice except the literately retarded ones so I'm not sure on how to judge them. One guy went around giving everyone mints or chocolate sometimes which was nice.

Thats all I can think of right now. If you have any questions, please ask.
>> No. 19320 [Edit]
File 141972627870.jpg - (33.51KB , 433x670 , speakeasy_window_with_grille_in_wooden_door_LEH1_L.jpg )
Am I paranoid?
I can't sleep unless I know I'm completely safe
I check if there's something on every room, closets, under the bed etc.
I keep my bed against the door of my room, so it will be harder open from the outside and if someone tries to I will feel it right away.
My window can be closed kinda like pic related so people can't just break the glass and enter, makes me feel much safer.
I also can't sleep unless I have a light on that will allow me to clearly see every place in my room
>> No. 19322 [Edit]
This is true. Religion helps immensely. I was quite surprised of the potence of prayer. Studies have proven that the cortex of religious people was thicker than average or some stuff like that (as opposite to depressed people).
>> No. 19325 [Edit]
Religion is just another form of escapism, it works for some people that live in denial or want to believe a fairytale but not for everyone.
>> No. 19326 [Edit]
Then it should work well here.
>> No. 19327 [Edit]
Religion is quite entertaining. I love to read about the cultural aspects of them, but I don't want to partake in that lifestyle anymore. I say anymore because from ages 6-13 I was a catholic in earnest, I used to help as an acolyte in Saturday/sunday's mass and sang in their choir group. It was really fun. Then I had to move away and fell out of it. Granted, I was a lot younger and a lot of religious people get on my nerves these days, for lack of a better term. If I was starting today, I'd probably have a different experience. So personally, I find it better to just read than dedicate myself 100% to it.
>> No. 19351 [Edit]
I've been diagnosed with various things since my youth, but it was all ruled down to be bipolar type 1 (extremely rapid cycling) and derealization-depersonalization disorder. I sought professional help, but I am already well enough adapted to both that there was no real reason to prescribe meds. SSRI's are the only meds I've ever taken and they make me go extremely manic.
Generally any medications for one will cause problems with the other. It is a very weird disorder combination. The only serious issue I have is that when the derealization-depersonalization peaks during high stress my general intelligence drops to that of somebody who is clinically retarded as opposed to my actual intelligence which is far above average. Since I find (found) tests extremely stressful since middle school, this meant I did not perform as well as I possibly could have.
>> No. 19354 [Edit]
On my tests I used to always overthink the prompts and such. They ask high school students pretty deep questions in social studies if you think about it and I was innately opposed to giving a simplified, mundane answer, so I ended up just thinking and being frustrated and not writing anything at all.

Nowadays I've learned to be more patient and write more "defensively" I guess? For a final last quarter I had to write 6 300 word essays using nothing but a handful of quotes... I guess when it comes down to that I just do with what I have instead of trying to write too well, using what's been established to form a solid "shield" instead of going on the offensive with something impressive.

With science I'm always asking questions so much that it bothers me that we just have to follow directions and move on as if we're just regurgitating information.

>my actual intelligence which is far above average
What makes you say that? I guess for me I've been called out on my intelligence by my teachers but at the end of the day I'm not the best at applying things in a practical way.
>> No. 19365 [Edit]
Standardized testing in grades 3 and 6 where I got 100% in everything (Science, LA, Social, Math). In grade 4 there was a testing for gifted students (similar to IQ test), but they didn't explain what it was for and said it wasn't that important so I passed notes around during it and goofed off. I still got into the gifted range by a wide margin. Spelling was past Highschool range by grade 3.
That being said, functional intelligence is everything that counts and I lost it in later school.
As for social, I always found that the issue was extremely biased teachers and slanted textbooks. Not all of the teachers were totally biased, but 2/3 were.

Post edited on 4th Jan 2015, 8:38am
>> No. 19367 [Edit]
Do you know how you lost your functional intelligence? What are you doing now anyways? I guess you don't imagine of becoming someone like Stephen Hawking huh...?
>> No. 19368 [Edit]
This reminds me of a project I had to do in 8th grade. We were told to make a flying thing of some sort that described our personality and we'd be hanging them from the ceiling of the class. I told my mom I wanted to be a paper airplane since they go wherever they are thrown. She told me I have more direction and control so she helped me make a blimp.
My mother has always been willing to prop me up and semi-puppetteer my life in some cases. I think that's part of why I became who I am. I never learned to be independant so when I reached the appropriate age for such things it was like there wasn't a pilot anymore. I'm just a paper airplane that sits on the floor occasionally being blown around by the wind.

>I maintain a significant degree of detachment at all times-- it comes as naturally to me as breathing--
I'm similar tothat. My natural state is almost complete detachment from things. It's hard for me to care about anything. I suppose I'm not quite the same as you though. For me it's more like everything starts at a distance and after X amount of time it starts slowly moving closer to me. The only things I feel attached to are things I've been around for well over 10 years at this point.
I wasn't always like this. Ever since I started puberty this state became more natural over the course of about a year and a half. I have no idea what caused it; I've lived a fairly good life with nothing major bad happening to me. I guess it's just how I was meant to be.
>> No. 19369 [Edit]
Well, I tend to be either manic or depressive at all times. Nothing too crazy (don't see things, never attempted suicide), but if I'm depressed my mind just moves really slowly at everything and every idea seems equally bad. When I'm on the 3rd day+ of mania my mind moves far too quickly for me to be able to properly focus and every idea seems really good no matter how stupid.
Combine that with derealization-depersonalization which occurs at high stress (tests) or sometimes just randomly and stops me from thinking deeply at all.
No meds can really fix either and it's been around since puberty (grade 6ish). It used to drive me crazy, but I realized that the most I can do is try to live my life in a way that makes me and the few that I care about happy. In a world where I could go at my own pace doing whatever I want anytime I would be higher functioning, but that's not reality.
As for what I do well, I'm a welder. It pays well, is relatively introverted, and challenging in an artistic way (I have a bit of an artistic flair).
>> No. 19483 [Edit]
Today I was resolved and about to kill a guy, for real. Don't mind the details, but I grew fully convinced that he was a white slaver after my sister and, since he already knew where we live, we were all in deadly danger. I even got legal assistance by a relative who is a lawyer and, after being frontally told that no justice instance would help us and listening to a suggestion of my panicked mother to just run away, I gathered all my courage and sincerely proposed a plan to lure him into the house and killing him myself, knocking him down with chloroform and then asphyxiating him with a belt. First my mother supported the idea ---he was a criminal, a pimp, human scum and it was him or us--- but she became quickly concerned with ourselves getting caught and begged me to desist on the idea. However, I was sure it was the only seeming ---and fair--- solution...

Then I rewatched his FB profile more thoroughly and suddenly realized something: he had lots of corny demotivators and macro, sparkly gifts, angle shots, pictures of flowers at the church, etc. He was by no means a professional of crime and violence but just an uneducated normal lonely guy. He just had the typical ridiculously inflated FB of a dull manchild and his fault was to actually present himself under such false identity ---fake name and all--- to my utterly retarded sister who bought it all; what he did was shameless and insulting, deserving of scorn, rejection and humiliation so he learns the lesson, but by no means to be murdered. I realized that I was just about to really kill an innocent man out of my own delusional paranoia. I sobbed. I now know how dangerously nuts I've become and that I absolutely have to change. I've also spent 4 days without sleeping at all, if that amounts to anything.
>> No. 19484 [Edit]
I'm glad you're safe. You made a mistake, you know that and you wanna change it, it sounds corny but you're already a few steps ahead of solving your issue.

Just try move on further, and first get that sleep you need, you deserve it.
>> No. 19487 [Edit]

I began with Adderall, and I now take Ritalin.

Adderall had the effect of being stimulating, but I discovered that I was already plenty stimulated. I became hyper-focused on the things which distracted me, and I felt a great feeling of contentment from doing those tasks. Although my concentration improved overall, it was unequal, and although my studies improved, I really ate into my sleep. I can see why college students abuse it, but it was not for me.

Ritalin has a more smooth effect, and it seems to slightly improve my concentration while making my natural fixations less overbearing. It also does not effect my sleep, which is a plus. This is not the norm, as my doctor give Adderall to over 50 people and Ritalin to one other. But it works for me, so I am happy. The only negative side effect is that it has a shorter period of effectiveness, but that also means that I can sleep better.

I never tried NRI's.
>> No. 19488 [Edit]
Weird, but I once thought my only option was to kill someone too. I look back and realize how silly and crazy the whole thing was, and how I seriously considered throwing my life away over nothing. My advice is, if you've seriously resolved yourself to improving your mental state, then distance yourself from the negative things and people in your life. This board is a breeding ground of misery and crazy that will have negative effects on you. Everyone here feeds of each other and it is literally making you all crazier.

That said, I love this boad for being an outlet for people who have no other outlet. It used to be my favoite board and I probably had a hand in shaping it into what it is now instead of being a lighthearted bags of sand type board. Oh well.
>> No. 19491 [Edit]
Uh oh. I think I'm addicted to shopping. Nothing gives me any joy these days other than coming down on my bank account, apparently. It's already half of what it used to be a year ago. Things I never cared about, such as clothing, shoes, furniture, plants; it's all game (on top of bills, games, books, normal expenses). At this rate I'll be all out soon. I want to slow down, but I'm afraid of the consequences. My income is fairly low but acceptable (freelancer). Shopping gives me motivation to work more, but the earnings are not enough to keep up. It's not only this sense of adventure, almost grasping at straws to buy something interesting, but the process of doing so that also feels good. If I slow down, I feel like it'll bore me beyond being able to work. I don't wanna go back to spending weeks on end just chilling (I use that word loosely) in bed, possibly risking my lifestyle. I remember, having this chance was a godsend, that it saved me. But either way, it seems like I'm screwed.
Haha. I feel like I'm a ticking time bomb right now. Help.
>> No. 19499 [Edit]
If you really only get your high from spending, at least become a collector of some specific kind of stuff you like (I collect butterflies). That way you'd amount to something through it, will begin administrating yourself better (saving for rare items and stuff) and that might keep you going for a while.

Since you do go out regularly (unlike some of us), another option is to spend on something you want to learn, like buying a musical instrument and getting lessons for it. That's a long term investment that can prove edifying and reassuring.
>> No. 19513 [Edit]
I've been doing some of your suggestions already. Music instruments. I collect games and books too. So that's the silver lining; I am getting my money's worth most of the time. Problem is just that I'm spending more than I earn and can't seem to stop.

Funnily, I used to be a shut-in before this, but then I got tired of waiting for online orders to arrive. At that point I began shopping outside so I could feel satisfied immediately. That's when I got into all the bullshit. First I went to computer shops, then home decor stores, and just recently clothes and furniture. That's what I meant with the "grasping at straws" part of my other post. Last time I'd entered a clothing shop was many years ago, still in high school (with my mom). I never cared at all, but now it all seems so interesting, haha. This is dumb.

I guess the other silver lining is it's made me more adept at dealing with anxiety, gave me a distraction and I'm more confident. By being exposed to store clerks regularly, I also managed to become a bit more adept at conversations (next best option when you have no friends & are living alone).

But ultimately, when bills start to accumulate, I'll have less money to spend on hobbies, less rewards, less work, etc. You know, one thing leads to the other and soon you have a bunch of problems all at once. I've been thinking about returning to my mother's house so I could continue spending a whole lot, but she's so annoying and I practically ran away from her when I started working. I dunno.

Thanks for your insight anyways.

Post edited on 28th Jan 2015, 3:41pm
>> No. 19516 [Edit]
I'm manic again, I miss being depressed. Being manic is alright, I get to be productive and stuff. But being depressed is really comforting, all I do is think of things that sooth me. When I'm manic I think of a lot of confrontational things like having arguments, which I hate. And I also have to make sure I restrain my anger and tell myself people aren't planning anything or they're out to get me, because I don't want to emotionally hurt anyone.
>> No. 19522 [Edit]
I never thought of myself as being susceptible to mental issues.
I mean, I didn't realize depression was a disease until I had it. I used to think it was just prolonged periods of being sad, which I may have always been.
I didn't realize that some of the things I did were schizoid or sociopathic. I just thought I had a good imagination, or that the problem was with other people, or I was shy because wasn't used to conversation.
Now as I go about my day I can't help but feel guilt about the way I think, and I notice myself bounding between productive and worthless, happy or sad.
I've never been diagnosed but shit's just weird and I don't know if I'd feel better if I never knew about these things. Plus, being diagnosed could be a major burden, and then there's the fact that I don't believe these problems can be treated medically.
>> No. 19752 [Edit]
I put most of my money into a savings account shared with my mother, not being able to withdraw any without her consent (and vice-versa).
I told her I have a bit of a spending problem so she won't let me withdraw without absolutely needing it (bills). And now I'm scrapping the bottom of the barrel but that's fine. I have to sort this out even if it sucks at first.

Post edited on 2nd Mar 2015, 8:29am
>> No. 19799 [Edit]
Update on:

I ended up graduating from university with a low-ish GPA. No job yet. My daily routine for the past few months has been: wake up in the afternoon, eat brunch, apply to jobs, play video games, eat dinner, play video games, shower, sleep. I just want a simple job that uses my degree and pays me enough to live.
>> No. 19845 [Edit]
Pressured into taking funny SSRI pills for the first time, is this supposed to feel so fucking bad? All day I feel like puking, I'm tired, disoriented, dizzy, there's also a lot of minor annoying shit like sudden jaw trembling but I don't feel like listing everything.
>> No. 19846 [Edit]
You should probably tell your doctor. Of all the SSRIs I've been on the worst was a tremor in my hands. Whatever you're on obviously isn't working.
>> No. 19847 [Edit]
Ask for Moclobemide (MAO-A inhibitor). It works differently from SSRI's, is more powerful, and isn't nearly as shitty. It also won't turn you into a robot.
>> No. 19871 [Edit]
File 142725517020.jpg - (105.32KB , 1280x720 , 1426165957615.jpg )
I was recently diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder along with generalized Depression and Anxiety disorders by my General Practitioner. On the one hand it's a bit deflating to know I've the mental capacities of a middle aged histrionic housewife, but on the other it's a relief to finally know exactly what's wrong with me.
>> No. 19879 [Edit]
Full-blown manic depressive here that did get professional help. I'm fairly heavily medicated and there's a hefty bit of baggage that comes with it with a Myriad of side effects and a lot of identity issues associated with taking medications that can potentially alter your personality and moods drastically.

I don't know if you're still around to read this. In fact I doubt it, but why not?

Not a professional, but I'm fairly certain you're smart enough to not treat an anonymous post on an image board as such.

If they are truly regarding you as having depression, lithium might dull things a little bit, but it will not lift your depression. It's not built to do that. It's a mood stabilizer by trade and I can really only explain what it does for bi-polar. In essence, lithium lowers the frequency and potency of cycles, specializing most in mania (Lamictal and other mood stabilizers specialize in depression). It could potentially help with depression, but it would not do it in the same way an SSRI would or even a stimulant. You can always ask your doctor their reasoning for putting you on lithium as it may be legitimate, but it is not a tame drug even though it is one of the most natural within psychiatric treatment.

People react to SSRI's differently and if you are diagnosed as something different than clinical depression and SSRI can cause a lot of problems. For bipolar they will aggravate mania and often make a person more depressed or suicidal. Just monitor your moods as well as the physical side effects the best you can and report to your doctor. If it is really making you feel like shit, try something else. You have no obligation to take a medication that is lowering your quality of life.
>> No. 19881 [Edit]

If you're taking lithium, you need to get your levels checked somewhat frequently via blood work. If you miss doses, your levels could dip too low to be effective. It's possible that the effectiveness could be hampered by your levels being too low. Not sure what it is for depression, but therapeutic levels tend to fall between 0.7 and 1.2 for BP. Anyway, good luck anon. Drink a ton of water and don't get dehydrated. Lithium is really bad about that and staying hydrated helps some of the other side effects.

Sorry for the non /so/ related image before.

Post edited on 26th Mar 2015, 12:11am
>> No. 22208 [Edit]
>Do you have any sort of condition/disorders?
I was diagnosed schizotypal.

>Are you depressed?
I'm not sure if I was ever really clinically depressed. My life has just been fairly empty and lonely and I had absurdly ambitious dreams that I did nothing to actualize. I am terrible with stress, I get really anxious thinking about the future, and I attempted suicide several times.

>Did you ever seek professional help?
Early on. I went through therapists and antidepressants for about five years. The latter gave me erectile dysfunction (noticed trying to masturbate).

>What are you doing to overcome your current situation?
Nothing that will work. I've started reading books more to combat brain fog and avoid becoming a complete zombie.
>> No. 22233 [Edit]
I have generalized anxiety disorder. It's hard for me to function properly in social situations, if I do manage to, it's by faking it, which makes me feel sick and sad.

Sometimes I feel like everyone is faking and acting out their existence, like going to work every day even though it is a menial job that will lead to nothing but soreness and enough money to scrape by. Laughing at stupid jokes. Maintaining connections with people they hate, people who despise them in turn. I think such things are just people disguising their pain and sadness due to being trapped in a depressing and unsatisfying existence. Buddhists call it "dukkha," the suffering inherent to life.

Once in a while I think I'm trapped in hell, as though I committed an awful sin in a previous life and am being punished. Hell is a human-created concept, though. Anywhere can be heaven, anywhere can be hell, it's all perspective. Nothing matters anyway. Look at cute 2D girls until you die.
>> No. 22234 [Edit]
I don't even know, never got a straight answer. Tried the whole professional help thing some time ago but it was a catastrophe, don't want to write about it right now. I shouldn't post anything and just go to sleep instead. The general opinion seems to be that browsing 'bad' places like this can only make things worse but I can't stop myself.
Sometimes I feel I need to talk with someone but I can't talk seriously with normal people anymore. They just don't fucking understand or don't give a shit. Maybe it sounds "edgy" or something but that's how I feel.
Trying to live in a world made by them for them is becoming increasingly unbearable. It's too frustrating and painful. Can't take it anymore, feels like the kind of people who pushed me down this fucked up path are winning at life now and I'm hiding in my tiny room begging to be erased from existence.
I doubt they even realize what they did. I wonder if I'm guilty of something like this too. Probably but not nearly as much, I hope.
I got told it's all my own fault but the thought is too hurtful and insulting to even consider.
I feel like this >>22233 too but I can't live with it.
I don't want to suffer anymore. Nothing is right and I never asked for any of it, I didn't have a choice in being born. I hate myself and everything and everyone so much. It's horrible when sometimes world seems to bombard me with reminders of what I don't have and who I am not.
Just cried a little, first time in a long while. They say it's disgusting to feel pity for yourself but why if no one else will? Wish I could just disappear.
>> No. 22235 [Edit]
Crying helps a lot with coping with this garbage world. When I'm feeling particularly numb, I make an effort to submit myself to things that will make me cry.
>> No. 22236 [Edit]
I lost the ability to cry years ago.
>> No. 22306 [Edit]
I went to a new shrink recently and got a d-amphetamine prescription to my great surprise. Always thought speed might help me get my life in order, but it turns out you still need some kind of passion, direction or intrinsic enjoyment of life for that kind of thing.
I still don't want to do anything, but at least I don't feel so tired and shitty now. Only problem is I never feel like eating and I really can't afford to lose any weight.
>> No. 22307 [Edit]
Learn how to play an instrument/produce/write music, play video games, do things you like to do.

I'm pretty envious. I wish I could get legal speed. Unfortunately my family is too impoverished for me to seek proper mental health care.
>> No. 22308 [Edit]
I have depression and generalized anxiety disorder, both pretty bad. Also drug addiction which is a mental health thing I guess. I had a psychiatrist for a while but the therapy was pretty much 'have you tried not thinking like that' so I stopped going. To overcome my anxiety I just don't go anywhere unless I'm drunk or high, and nothing helps the depression besides sleep. I used to sleep 6 hours a night but now I sleep up to 12 hours a day because it makes everything go away. At least I stopped self harming
>> No. 22309 [Edit]
>I'm pretty envious. I wish I could get legal speed. Unfortunately my family is too impoverished for me to seek proper mental health care.
I was actually reflecting on this after it happened. Healthcare is still kind of publicly funded in my country but it has been eroded, so I'm still $100 out of pocket at each appointment and $10 per 100 amphetamine pills. Got me thinking that I might have done this years ago if money was no issue, back when I still had some will to strive.
Now that most drugs which could improve someone's life are controlled, it's almost like they are only obtainable to people who are already well off, rather than those who often need them most. People who can't afford treatment often end up self medicating with alcohol, weed or ice which just fuck their lives up further in a vicious cycle. Same thing with smoking: it's still cheaper to smoke than use nicotine replacement even when cigarettes are taxed sky high. Unhealthy food is cheaper than healthy food. The list goes on, shit's fucked.
>> No. 22310 [Edit]
>People who can't afford treatment often end up self medicating with alcohol...
Oh yeah, I have an irresponsible observation relating to this: I have found since starting amphetamine it is a lot easier to reach a lovely level of drunkenness without the normal sedation and shitty feeling. No doubt because this is so enjoyable it's harmful in some way, maybe there is synergistic neurotoxicity or some other awfulness. Because you know, experience shows there can't be happiness in life without suffering down the line to outweigh it tenfold.
>> No. 22647 [Edit]
I turned 18 not long ago and I realized I have actual mental retardation. Not imageboard autism, I mean really retarded. Someone who starts sperging, having seizures or epilepsy out of the blue, say things you didn't want or mean to, display weird facial expressions for no reason, start laughing by yourself sometimes even in public for no reason, have absolutely no sense of balance or any motor coordination, inability to connect with others in any way, not even on imageboards, have not at least marginally normal emotional reactions, strongly react to sounds and touching, constantly live in a world of delusions and mirages created by your own mind, feel like you're constantly tripping on psychedelic mushrooms, have your inner brain constantly work in very weird, broken ways. I could go on. Basically think of an ugly drooling retard. That's me. After I finished highschool I have been a NEET since November and was indulging upon my life. The last straw that only confirmed my thesis was finding out I used to take medicine for the retarded since a young age. This is not something I wish for anyone no matter how evil they might be. To live in a constant state of uncertainty, knowing that because of some condition outside your reach, everything you see, hear, smell, taste, touch, everything you experience, that you think, feel, perceive, thats all invalid, worthless, meaningless, devoid of any certainty. That is to be retarded. You're constantly a bother to others for simply being alive. You break any object you touch, you hurt people you don't even know, you're unwelcome in any place even on these imageboards. You constantly live in a world of pain, suffering, despair, set up by your own brain, something that cannot be removed, almost as if a paranoia or schizophrenia. There's no way to tell anything you do or say (read as "type", since I don't talk at all), is any good. In fact, I take it as a rule that anything I do is bad, since I'm inherently a bad person. Right now with this post I'm shitting up a potentially great thread on a great imageboard. There's one thing I'm thankful for being born like this and that is the insights and intelligence. I can easily imagine and see wonderful, beautiful, amazing things. Not in the artistic or philanthropic sense. But in the sense of mathematics, engineering, programming, logic, science and the such. It's entertaining to say at least, and it's the one thing I'm confident that I'm usually not wrong at. But other than that my entire existence is a disgusting being. Like I said in the beginning this is not something I wish for anyone. When I look at posts in this board I smile because I know you guys are doing fine, you're not that far off from what is healthy and normal. I feel most people even on the depressive side of imageboards are way closer to normal people than I am to those same depressive sides. Now then there is all the other problems, like physical health, (the lack of a) family, (the lack of) finance, no education, no job, no reason to stay alive, no prospect of it ever getting better. With that being said, I intend to kill myself. I hope to do so in 2 weeks at best. Ive been planning to jump. I see death as the only way for me to ever stop suffering. I sincerely hope there's someone like a God who is listening to my beggings of having a second chance, being given an easy life for my reincarnation. But I think what will really happen is I'll just die and disappear forever. As I am a retard, what I say has not any value, but I don't think nothing any better is waiting for me in death. I'll find out soon anyway.
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