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No. 22647
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I turned 18 not long ago and I realized I have actual mental retardation. Not imageboard autism, I mean really retarded. Someone who starts sperging, having seizures or epilepsy out of the blue, say things you didn't want or mean to, display weird facial expressions for no reason, start laughing by yourself sometimes even in public for no reason, have absolutely no sense of balance or any motor coordination, inability to connect with others in any way, not even on imageboards, have not at least marginally normal emotional reactions, strongly react to sounds and touching, constantly live in a world of delusions and mirages created by your own mind, feel like you're constantly tripping on psychedelic mushrooms, have your inner brain constantly work in very weird, broken ways. I could go on. Basically think of an ugly drooling retard. That's me. After I finished highschool I have been a NEET since November and was indulging upon my life. The last straw that only confirmed my thesis was finding out I used to take medicine for the retarded since a young age. This is not something I wish for anyone no matter how evil they might be. To live in a constant state of uncertainty, knowing that because of some condition outside your reach, everything you see, hear, smell, taste, touch, everything you experience, that you think, feel, perceive, thats all invalid, worthless, meaningless, devoid of any certainty. That is to be retarded. You're constantly a bother to others for simply being alive. You break any object you touch, you hurt people you don't even know, you're unwelcome in any place even on these imageboards. You constantly live in a world of pain, suffering, despair, set up by your own brain, something that cannot be removed, almost as if a paranoia or schizophrenia. There's no way to tell anything you do or say (read as "type", since I don't talk at all), is any good. In fact, I take it as a rule that anything I do is bad, since I'm inherently a bad person. Right now with this post I'm shitting up a potentially great thread on a great imageboard. There's one thing I'm thankful for being born like this and that is the insights and intelligence. I can easily imagine and see wonderful, beautiful, amazing things. Not in the artistic or philanthropic sense. But in the sense of mathematics, engineering, programming, logic, science and the such. It's entertaining to say at least, and it's the one thing I'm confident that I'm usually not wrong at. But other than that my entire existence is a disgusting being. Like I said in the beginning this is not something I wish for anyone. When I look at posts in this board I smile because I know you guys are doing fine, you're not that far off from what is healthy and normal. I feel most people even on the depressive side of imageboards are way closer to normal people than I am to those same depressive sides. Now then there is all the other problems, like physical health, (the lack of a) family, (the lack of) finance, no education, no job, no reason to stay alive, no prospect of it ever getting better. With that being said, I intend to kill myself. I hope to do so in 2 weeks at best. Ive been planning to jump. I see death as the only way for me to ever stop suffering. I sincerely hope there's someone like a God who is listening to my beggings of having a second chance, being given an easy life for my reincarnation. But I think what will really happen is I'll just die and disappear forever. As I am a retard, what I say has not any value, but I don't think nothing any better is waiting for me in death. I'll find out soon anyway.
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