NEET is not a label, it's a way of life!
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13455 No. 13455 [Edit]
For all of us dealing with problems in this regard.

Do you have any sort of condition/disorders? Are you depressed? Did you ever seek professional help? What are you doing to overcome your current situation?

General mental health discussion thread.
180 posts omitted. Last 50 shown. Expand all images
>> No. 18886 [Edit]
Thanks for replying. I don't live in America.

I've decided thanks to you that I'm not going. I hope I don't change my mind. Everyone in my family I've talked to is leaning towards me going. My doctor has been seeing me weekly, which I'm his only patient that does that. I've been put on lots of different meds like lithium and no change. I guess he has just gave up on me.

I think its because I said I was close to killing myself and explained how I would do it. If I didn't say this I have I feeling I wouldn't be going through all of this.

I also had a bit of a fantasy that I'd meet someone like me and I'd make a friend. But I know that's too far fetched.
>> No. 18887 [Edit]
Did you try religion? I'm actually serious.
>> No. 18888 [Edit]
Kind of. I read the first two books of the Bible two years ago and got bored and stopped. My Christian aunt keeps telling me every time I see her that Christianity saved her life etc and that I should read the New Testament. I might try reading it tomorrow.
>> No. 18892 [Edit]
I've changed my mind. I do that a lot. I will be going later today I guess. I'll report back how it goes in two weeks.
>> No. 18893 [Edit]
I have autism and it would be really nice to be able to talk to other people with autism. I don't really have anyone to talk to to begin with but it would be nice to talk with someone who can relate to be like "Do you do this thing or feel this way sometimes, too?".
>> No. 18902 [Edit]
Apparently you can leave on weekends for up to eight hours a day, so that's what I'm doing now. It's really boring. When you don't have a computer it's amazing how long the day feels. I've read about 60 pages of a book in Japanese, and solved one Sudoku puzzle which is the first I've done since I was about nine. They also had a gym, with exercycles and a rowing machine so I spent 15 minutes on the rowing machine. But it's kind of awkward because you are not allowed in the gym by yourself so a nurse just sits in the corner reading a newspaper. They have tens of jigsaw puzzles you could do. On weekdays they have activities on. Yesterday I did cooking and made a banana cake and pikelets with a woman.

The people they are quite nice. I haven't really talked to anyone much. I don't really feel anxious so anything. But they are some really bad people there. There's a retarded lady that sits in front of the TV all day. A gang member with downs or something that wanders around with no shirt on so you can see all his gang tattoos. Those are the only people that make me feel nervous. Everyone else seems alright.

I think the increase in medication has helped. I think they were increasing venlafaxine and lithium. I don't have any suicidal thoughts now.

You don't spend much time with the doctors. Yesterday it was about 20 minutes in a whole day.

I can't remember anything else at the moment. I might write more later.
>> No. 18903 [Edit]
Where are you from?
>> No. 18904 [Edit]
I suppose the nurse sits there in case someone decides to go out using the machines somehow.

Honestly I don't know what to think, just picturing myself being obligued to stay somewhere even if I can take a break doesn't feel alright, I hope things go well for you, did they tell you when are you going to be released?
>> No. 18905 [Edit]
What country are you in?
>> No. 18907 [Edit]

Interesting to read, wish you all the best.
>> No. 18912 [Edit]
I live in New Zealand.

Since I have improved, I'm on night leave and have to go back on Thursday (two nights from now). If I'm still good they will discharge me. I don't have suicidal thoughts and I don't feel depressed anymore. I still have my vague anxiety that prevents me from joining in in a lot of conversations, or starting conversations with people. I would of liked to talked to people about why they were in here and all that stuff, but I didn't. I mostly just read. But I joined in all the group activities.

They have increased my lithium and venlafaxine which I think made the difference. The change of scenery is also good I think. Sitting in your room all day ruminating about the same things gets you stuck in a hole were just by being in your room makes you ruminate.

The nurses were nice. They talk to you sometimes. And they always remember your name. The beds were fine. I feel asleep pretty fast. The food was good. I might have bad taste or low standards with food but it was fine. The only thing was the porridge what was made with water, not milk.

There were about ten other people there and I had trouble remembering their names.They all seem to remember your name. They are all nice except the literately retarded ones so I'm not sure on how to judge them. One guy went around giving everyone mints or chocolate sometimes which was nice.

Thats all I can think of right now. If you have any questions, please ask.
>> No. 19320 [Edit]
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Am I paranoid?
I can't sleep unless I know I'm completely safe
I check if there's something on every room, closets, under the bed etc.
I keep my bed against the door of my room, so it will be harder open from the outside and if someone tries to I will feel it right away.
My window can be closed kinda like pic related so people can't just break the glass and enter, makes me feel much safer.
I also can't sleep unless I have a light on that will allow me to clearly see every place in my room
>> No. 19322 [Edit]
This is true. Religion helps immensely. I was quite surprised of the potence of prayer. Studies have proven that the cortex of religious people was thicker than average or some stuff like that (as opposite to depressed people).
>> No. 19325 [Edit]
Religion is just another form of escapism, it works for some people that live in denial or want to believe a fairytale but not for everyone.
>> No. 19326 [Edit]
Then it should work well here.
>> No. 19327 [Edit]
Religion is quite entertaining. I love to read about the cultural aspects of them, but I don't want to partake in that lifestyle anymore. I say anymore because from ages 6-13 I was a catholic in earnest, I used to help as an acolyte in Saturday/sunday's mass and sang in their choir group. It was really fun. Then I had to move away and fell out of it. Granted, I was a lot younger and a lot of religious people get on my nerves these days, for lack of a better term. If I was starting today, I'd probably have a different experience. So personally, I find it better to just read than dedicate myself 100% to it.
>> No. 19351 [Edit]
I've been diagnosed with various things since my youth, but it was all ruled down to be bipolar type 1 (extremely rapid cycling) and derealization-depersonalization disorder. I sought professional help, but I am already well enough adapted to both that there was no real reason to prescribe meds. SSRI's are the only meds I've ever taken and they make me go extremely manic.
Generally any medications for one will cause problems with the other. It is a very weird disorder combination. The only serious issue I have is that when the derealization-depersonalization peaks during high stress my general intelligence drops to that of somebody who is clinically retarded as opposed to my actual intelligence which is far above average. Since I find (found) tests extremely stressful since middle school, this meant I did not perform as well as I possibly could have.
>> No. 19354 [Edit]
On my tests I used to always overthink the prompts and such. They ask high school students pretty deep questions in social studies if you think about it and I was innately opposed to giving a simplified, mundane answer, so I ended up just thinking and being frustrated and not writing anything at all.

Nowadays I've learned to be more patient and write more "defensively" I guess? For a final last quarter I had to write 6 300 word essays using nothing but a handful of quotes... I guess when it comes down to that I just do with what I have instead of trying to write too well, using what's been established to form a solid "shield" instead of going on the offensive with something impressive.

With science I'm always asking questions so much that it bothers me that we just have to follow directions and move on as if we're just regurgitating information.

>my actual intelligence which is far above average
What makes you say that? I guess for me I've been called out on my intelligence by my teachers but at the end of the day I'm not the best at applying things in a practical way.
>> No. 19365 [Edit]
Standardized testing in grades 3 and 6 where I got 100% in everything (Science, LA, Social, Math). In grade 4 there was a testing for gifted students (similar to IQ test), but they didn't explain what it was for and said it wasn't that important so I passed notes around during it and goofed off. I still got into the gifted range by a wide margin. Spelling was past Highschool range by grade 3.
That being said, functional intelligence is everything that counts and I lost it in later school.
As for social, I always found that the issue was extremely biased teachers and slanted textbooks. Not all of the teachers were totally biased, but 2/3 were.

Post edited on 4th Jan 2015, 8:38am
>> No. 19367 [Edit]
Do you know how you lost your functional intelligence? What are you doing now anyways? I guess you don't imagine of becoming someone like Stephen Hawking huh...?
>> No. 19368 [Edit]
This reminds me of a project I had to do in 8th grade. We were told to make a flying thing of some sort that described our personality and we'd be hanging them from the ceiling of the class. I told my mom I wanted to be a paper airplane since they go wherever they are thrown. She told me I have more direction and control so she helped me make a blimp.
My mother has always been willing to prop me up and semi-puppetteer my life in some cases. I think that's part of why I became who I am. I never learned to be independant so when I reached the appropriate age for such things it was like there wasn't a pilot anymore. I'm just a paper airplane that sits on the floor occasionally being blown around by the wind.

>I maintain a significant degree of detachment at all times-- it comes as naturally to me as breathing--
I'm similar tothat. My natural state is almost complete detachment from things. It's hard for me to care about anything. I suppose I'm not quite the same as you though. For me it's more like everything starts at a distance and after X amount of time it starts slowly moving closer to me. The only things I feel attached to are things I've been around for well over 10 years at this point.
I wasn't always like this. Ever since I started puberty this state became more natural over the course of about a year and a half. I have no idea what caused it; I've lived a fairly good life with nothing major bad happening to me. I guess it's just how I was meant to be.
>> No. 19369 [Edit]
Well, I tend to be either manic or depressive at all times. Nothing too crazy (don't see things, never attempted suicide), but if I'm depressed my mind just moves really slowly at everything and every idea seems equally bad. When I'm on the 3rd day+ of mania my mind moves far too quickly for me to be able to properly focus and every idea seems really good no matter how stupid.
Combine that with derealization-depersonalization which occurs at high stress (tests) or sometimes just randomly and stops me from thinking deeply at all.
No meds can really fix either and it's been around since puberty (grade 6ish). It used to drive me crazy, but I realized that the most I can do is try to live my life in a way that makes me and the few that I care about happy. In a world where I could go at my own pace doing whatever I want anytime I would be higher functioning, but that's not reality.
As for what I do well, I'm a welder. It pays well, is relatively introverted, and challenging in an artistic way (I have a bit of an artistic flair).
>> No. 19483 [Edit]
Today I was resolved and about to kill a guy, for real. Don't mind the details, but I grew fully convinced that he was a white slaver after my sister and, since he already knew where we live, we were all in deadly danger. I even got legal assistance by a relative who is a lawyer and, after being frontally told that no justice instance would help us and listening to a suggestion of my panicked mother to just run away, I gathered all my courage and sincerely proposed a plan to lure him into the house and killing him myself, knocking him down with chloroform and then asphyxiating him with a belt. First my mother supported the idea ---he was a criminal, a pimp, human scum and it was him or us--- but she became quickly concerned with ourselves getting caught and begged me to desist on the idea. However, I was sure it was the only seeming ---and fair--- solution...

Then I rewatched his FB profile more thoroughly and suddenly realized something: he had lots of corny demotivators and macro, sparkly gifts, angle shots, pictures of flowers at the church, etc. He was by no means a professional of crime and violence but just an uneducated normal lonely guy. He just had the typical ridiculously inflated FB of a dull manchild and his fault was to actually present himself under such false identity ---fake name and all--- to my utterly retarded sister who bought it all; what he did was shameless and insulting, deserving of scorn, rejection and humiliation so he learns the lesson, but by no means to be murdered. I realized that I was just about to really kill an innocent man out of my own delusional paranoia. I sobbed. I now know how dangerously nuts I've become and that I absolutely have to change. I've also spent 4 days without sleeping at all, if that amounts to anything.
>> No. 19484 [Edit]
I'm glad you're safe. You made a mistake, you know that and you wanna change it, it sounds corny but you're already a few steps ahead of solving your issue.

Just try move on further, and first get that sleep you need, you deserve it.
>> No. 19487 [Edit]

I began with Adderall, and I now take Ritalin.

Adderall had the effect of being stimulating, but I discovered that I was already plenty stimulated. I became hyper-focused on the things which distracted me, and I felt a great feeling of contentment from doing those tasks. Although my concentration improved overall, it was unequal, and although my studies improved, I really ate into my sleep. I can see why college students abuse it, but it was not for me.

Ritalin has a more smooth effect, and it seems to slightly improve my concentration while making my natural fixations less overbearing. It also does not effect my sleep, which is a plus. This is not the norm, as my doctor give Adderall to over 50 people and Ritalin to one other. But it works for me, so I am happy. The only negative side effect is that it has a shorter period of effectiveness, but that also means that I can sleep better.

I never tried NRI's.
>> No. 19488 [Edit]
Weird, but I once thought my only option was to kill someone too. I look back and realize how silly and crazy the whole thing was, and how I seriously considered throwing my life away over nothing. My advice is, if you've seriously resolved yourself to improving your mental state, then distance yourself from the negative things and people in your life. This board is a breeding ground of misery and crazy that will have negative effects on you. Everyone here feeds of each other and it is literally making you all crazier.

That said, I love this boad for being an outlet for people who have no other outlet. It used to be my favoite board and I probably had a hand in shaping it into what it is now instead of being a lighthearted bags of sand type board. Oh well.
>> No. 19491 [Edit]
Uh oh. I think I'm addicted to shopping. Nothing gives me any joy these days other than coming down on my bank account, apparently. It's already half of what it used to be a year ago. Things I never cared about, such as clothing, shoes, furniture, plants; it's all game (on top of bills, games, books, normal expenses). At this rate I'll be all out soon. I want to slow down, but I'm afraid of the consequences. My income is fairly low but acceptable (freelancer). Shopping gives me motivation to work more, but the earnings are not enough to keep up. It's not only this sense of adventure, almost grasping at straws to buy something interesting, but the process of doing so that also feels good. If I slow down, I feel like it'll bore me beyond being able to work. I don't wanna go back to spending weeks on end just chilling (I use that word loosely) in bed, possibly risking my lifestyle. I remember, having this chance was a godsend, that it saved me. But either way, it seems like I'm screwed.
Haha. I feel like I'm a ticking time bomb right now. Help.
>> No. 19499 [Edit]
If you really only get your high from spending, at least become a collector of some specific kind of stuff you like (I collect butterflies). That way you'd amount to something through it, will begin administrating yourself better (saving for rare items and stuff) and that might keep you going for a while.

Since you do go out regularly (unlike some of us), another option is to spend on something you want to learn, like buying a musical instrument and getting lessons for it. That's a long term investment that can prove edifying and reassuring.
>> No. 19513 [Edit]
I've been doing some of your suggestions already. Music instruments. I collect games and books too. So that's the silver lining; I am getting my money's worth most of the time. Problem is just that I'm spending more than I earn and can't seem to stop.

Funnily, I used to be a shut-in before this, but then I got tired of waiting for online orders to arrive. At that point I began shopping outside so I could feel satisfied immediately. That's when I got into all the bullshit. First I went to computer shops, then home decor stores, and just recently clothes and furniture. That's what I meant with the "grasping at straws" part of my other post. Last time I'd entered a clothing shop was many years ago, still in high school (with my mom). I never cared at all, but now it all seems so interesting, haha. This is dumb.

I guess the other silver lining is it's made me more adept at dealing with anxiety, gave me a distraction and I'm more confident. By being exposed to store clerks regularly, I also managed to become a bit more adept at conversations (next best option when you have no friends & are living alone).

But ultimately, when bills start to accumulate, I'll have less money to spend on hobbies, less rewards, less work, etc. You know, one thing leads to the other and soon you have a bunch of problems all at once. I've been thinking about returning to my mother's house so I could continue spending a whole lot, but she's so annoying and I practically ran away from her when I started working. I dunno.

Thanks for your insight anyways.

Post edited on 28th Jan 2015, 3:41pm
>> No. 19516 [Edit]
I'm manic again, I miss being depressed. Being manic is alright, I get to be productive and stuff. But being depressed is really comforting, all I do is think of things that sooth me. When I'm manic I think of a lot of confrontational things like having arguments, which I hate. And I also have to make sure I restrain my anger and tell myself people aren't planning anything or they're out to get me, because I don't want to emotionally hurt anyone.
>> No. 19522 [Edit]
I never thought of myself as being susceptible to mental issues.
I mean, I didn't realize depression was a disease until I had it. I used to think it was just prolonged periods of being sad, which I may have always been.
I didn't realize that some of the things I did were schizoid or sociopathic. I just thought I had a good imagination, or that the problem was with other people, or I was shy because wasn't used to conversation.
Now as I go about my day I can't help but feel guilt about the way I think, and I notice myself bounding between productive and worthless, happy or sad.
I've never been diagnosed but shit's just weird and I don't know if I'd feel better if I never knew about these things. Plus, being diagnosed could be a major burden, and then there's the fact that I don't believe these problems can be treated medically.
>> No. 19752 [Edit]
I put most of my money into a savings account shared with my mother, not being able to withdraw any without her consent (and vice-versa).
I told her I have a bit of a spending problem so she won't let me withdraw without absolutely needing it (bills). And now I'm scrapping the bottom of the barrel but that's fine. I have to sort this out even if it sucks at first.

Post edited on 2nd Mar 2015, 8:29am
>> No. 19799 [Edit]
Update on:

I ended up graduating from university with a low-ish GPA. No job yet. My daily routine for the past few months has been: wake up in the afternoon, eat brunch, apply to jobs, play video games, eat dinner, play video games, shower, sleep. I just want a simple job that uses my degree and pays me enough to live.
>> No. 19845 [Edit]
Pressured into taking funny SSRI pills for the first time, is this supposed to feel so fucking bad? All day I feel like puking, I'm tired, disoriented, dizzy, there's also a lot of minor annoying shit like sudden jaw trembling but I don't feel like listing everything.
>> No. 19846 [Edit]
You should probably tell your doctor. Of all the SSRIs I've been on the worst was a tremor in my hands. Whatever you're on obviously isn't working.
>> No. 19847 [Edit]
Ask for Moclobemide (MAO-A inhibitor). It works differently from SSRI's, is more powerful, and isn't nearly as shitty. It also won't turn you into a robot.
>> No. 19871 [Edit]
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I was recently diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder along with generalized Depression and Anxiety disorders by my General Practitioner. On the one hand it's a bit deflating to know I've the mental capacities of a middle aged histrionic housewife, but on the other it's a relief to finally know exactly what's wrong with me.
>> No. 19879 [Edit]
Full-blown manic depressive here that did get professional help. I'm fairly heavily medicated and there's a hefty bit of baggage that comes with it with a Myriad of side effects and a lot of identity issues associated with taking medications that can potentially alter your personality and moods drastically.

I don't know if you're still around to read this. In fact I doubt it, but why not?

Not a professional, but I'm fairly certain you're smart enough to not treat an anonymous post on an image board as such.

If they are truly regarding you as having depression, lithium might dull things a little bit, but it will not lift your depression. It's not built to do that. It's a mood stabilizer by trade and I can really only explain what it does for bi-polar. In essence, lithium lowers the frequency and potency of cycles, specializing most in mania (Lamictal and other mood stabilizers specialize in depression). It could potentially help with depression, but it would not do it in the same way an SSRI would or even a stimulant. You can always ask your doctor their reasoning for putting you on lithium as it may be legitimate, but it is not a tame drug even though it is one of the most natural within psychiatric treatment.

People react to SSRI's differently and if you are diagnosed as something different than clinical depression and SSRI can cause a lot of problems. For bipolar they will aggravate mania and often make a person more depressed or suicidal. Just monitor your moods as well as the physical side effects the best you can and report to your doctor. If it is really making you feel like shit, try something else. You have no obligation to take a medication that is lowering your quality of life.
>> No. 19881 [Edit]

If you're taking lithium, you need to get your levels checked somewhat frequently via blood work. If you miss doses, your levels could dip too low to be effective. It's possible that the effectiveness could be hampered by your levels being too low. Not sure what it is for depression, but therapeutic levels tend to fall between 0.7 and 1.2 for BP. Anyway, good luck anon. Drink a ton of water and don't get dehydrated. Lithium is really bad about that and staying hydrated helps some of the other side effects.

Sorry for the non /so/ related image before.

Post edited on 26th Mar 2015, 12:11am
>> No. 22208 [Edit]
>Do you have any sort of condition/disorders?
I was diagnosed schizotypal.

>Are you depressed?
I'm not sure if I was ever really clinically depressed. My life has just been fairly empty and lonely and I had absurdly ambitious dreams that I did nothing to actualize. I am terrible with stress, I get really anxious thinking about the future, and I attempted suicide several times.

>Did you ever seek professional help?
Early on. I went through therapists and antidepressants for about five years. The latter gave me erectile dysfunction (noticed trying to masturbate).

>What are you doing to overcome your current situation?
Nothing that will work. I've started reading books more to combat brain fog and avoid becoming a complete zombie.
>> No. 22233 [Edit]
I have generalized anxiety disorder. It's hard for me to function properly in social situations, if I do manage to, it's by faking it, which makes me feel sick and sad.

Sometimes I feel like everyone is faking and acting out their existence, like going to work every day even though it is a menial job that will lead to nothing but soreness and enough money to scrape by. Laughing at stupid jokes. Maintaining connections with people they hate, people who despise them in turn. I think such things are just people disguising their pain and sadness due to being trapped in a depressing and unsatisfying existence. Buddhists call it "dukkha," the suffering inherent to life.

Once in a while I think I'm trapped in hell, as though I committed an awful sin in a previous life and am being punished. Hell is a human-created concept, though. Anywhere can be heaven, anywhere can be hell, it's all perspective. Nothing matters anyway. Look at cute 2D girls until you die.
>> No. 22234 [Edit]
I don't even know, never got a straight answer. Tried the whole professional help thing some time ago but it was a catastrophe, don't want to write about it right now. I shouldn't post anything and just go to sleep instead. The general opinion seems to be that browsing 'bad' places like this can only make things worse but I can't stop myself.
Sometimes I feel I need to talk with someone but I can't talk seriously with normal people anymore. They just don't fucking understand or don't give a shit. Maybe it sounds "edgy" or something but that's how I feel.
Trying to live in a world made by them for them is becoming increasingly unbearable. It's too frustrating and painful. Can't take it anymore, feels like the kind of people who pushed me down this fucked up path are winning at life now and I'm hiding in my tiny room begging to be erased from existence.
I doubt they even realize what they did. I wonder if I'm guilty of something like this too. Probably but not nearly as much, I hope.
I got told it's all my own fault but the thought is too hurtful and insulting to even consider.
I feel like this >>22233 too but I can't live with it.
I don't want to suffer anymore. Nothing is right and I never asked for any of it, I didn't have a choice in being born. I hate myself and everything and everyone so much. It's horrible when sometimes world seems to bombard me with reminders of what I don't have and who I am not.
Just cried a little, first time in a long while. They say it's disgusting to feel pity for yourself but why if no one else will? Wish I could just disappear.
>> No. 22235 [Edit]
Crying helps a lot with coping with this garbage world. When I'm feeling particularly numb, I make an effort to submit myself to things that will make me cry.
>> No. 22236 [Edit]
I lost the ability to cry years ago.
>> No. 22306 [Edit]
I went to a new shrink recently and got a d-amphetamine prescription to my great surprise. Always thought speed might help me get my life in order, but it turns out you still need some kind of passion, direction or intrinsic enjoyment of life for that kind of thing.
I still don't want to do anything, but at least I don't feel so tired and shitty now. Only problem is I never feel like eating and I really can't afford to lose any weight.
>> No. 22307 [Edit]
Learn how to play an instrument/produce/write music, play video games, do things you like to do.

I'm pretty envious. I wish I could get legal speed. Unfortunately my family is too impoverished for me to seek proper mental health care.
>> No. 22308 [Edit]
I have depression and generalized anxiety disorder, both pretty bad. Also drug addiction which is a mental health thing I guess. I had a psychiatrist for a while but the therapy was pretty much 'have you tried not thinking like that' so I stopped going. To overcome my anxiety I just don't go anywhere unless I'm drunk or high, and nothing helps the depression besides sleep. I used to sleep 6 hours a night but now I sleep up to 12 hours a day because it makes everything go away. At least I stopped self harming
>> No. 22309 [Edit]
>I'm pretty envious. I wish I could get legal speed. Unfortunately my family is too impoverished for me to seek proper mental health care.
I was actually reflecting on this after it happened. Healthcare is still kind of publicly funded in my country but it has been eroded, so I'm still $100 out of pocket at each appointment and $10 per 100 amphetamine pills. Got me thinking that I might have done this years ago if money was no issue, back when I still had some will to strive.
Now that most drugs which could improve someone's life are controlled, it's almost like they are only obtainable to people who are already well off, rather than those who often need them most. People who can't afford treatment often end up self medicating with alcohol, weed or ice which just fuck their lives up further in a vicious cycle. Same thing with smoking: it's still cheaper to smoke than use nicotine replacement even when cigarettes are taxed sky high. Unhealthy food is cheaper than healthy food. The list goes on, shit's fucked.
>> No. 22310 [Edit]
>People who can't afford treatment often end up self medicating with alcohol...
Oh yeah, I have an irresponsible observation relating to this: I have found since starting amphetamine it is a lot easier to reach a lovely level of drunkenness without the normal sedation and shitty feeling. No doubt because this is so enjoyable it's harmful in some way, maybe there is synergistic neurotoxicity or some other awfulness. Because you know, experience shows there can't be happiness in life without suffering down the line to outweigh it tenfold.
>> No. 22647 [Edit]
I turned 18 not long ago and I realized I have actual mental retardation. Not imageboard autism, I mean really retarded. Someone who starts sperging, having seizures or epilepsy out of the blue, say things you didn't want or mean to, display weird facial expressions for no reason, start laughing by yourself sometimes even in public for no reason, have absolutely no sense of balance or any motor coordination, inability to connect with others in any way, not even on imageboards, have not at least marginally normal emotional reactions, strongly react to sounds and touching, constantly live in a world of delusions and mirages created by your own mind, feel like you're constantly tripping on psychedelic mushrooms, have your inner brain constantly work in very weird, broken ways. I could go on. Basically think of an ugly drooling retard. That's me. After I finished highschool I have been a NEET since November and was indulging upon my life. The last straw that only confirmed my thesis was finding out I used to take medicine for the retarded since a young age. This is not something I wish for anyone no matter how evil they might be. To live in a constant state of uncertainty, knowing that because of some condition outside your reach, everything you see, hear, smell, taste, touch, everything you experience, that you think, feel, perceive, thats all invalid, worthless, meaningless, devoid of any certainty. That is to be retarded. You're constantly a bother to others for simply being alive. You break any object you touch, you hurt people you don't even know, you're unwelcome in any place even on these imageboards. You constantly live in a world of pain, suffering, despair, set up by your own brain, something that cannot be removed, almost as if a paranoia or schizophrenia. There's no way to tell anything you do or say (read as "type", since I don't talk at all), is any good. In fact, I take it as a rule that anything I do is bad, since I'm inherently a bad person. Right now with this post I'm shitting up a potentially great thread on a great imageboard. There's one thing I'm thankful for being born like this and that is the insights and intelligence. I can easily imagine and see wonderful, beautiful, amazing things. Not in the artistic or philanthropic sense. But in the sense of mathematics, engineering, programming, logic, science and the such. It's entertaining to say at least, and it's the one thing I'm confident that I'm usually not wrong at. But other than that my entire existence is a disgusting being. Like I said in the beginning this is not something I wish for anyone. When I look at posts in this board I smile because I know you guys are doing fine, you're not that far off from what is healthy and normal. I feel most people even on the depressive side of imageboards are way closer to normal people than I am to those same depressive sides. Now then there is all the other problems, like physical health, (the lack of a) family, (the lack of) finance, no education, no job, no reason to stay alive, no prospect of it ever getting better. With that being said, I intend to kill myself. I hope to do so in 2 weeks at best. Ive been planning to jump. I see death as the only way for me to ever stop suffering. I sincerely hope there's someone like a God who is listening to my beggings of having a second chance, being given an easy life for my reincarnation. But I think what will really happen is I'll just die and disappear forever. As I am a retard, what I say has not any value, but I don't think nothing any better is waiting for me in death. I'll find out soon anyway.
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