I don't really know and I refuse to listen to other people no matter what pieces of paper they have. My hunter rank is 90 something, so that makes their opinion worthless.

I play videogames all day and dedicate my life to doing that because I can't and don't want to do much of anything else, aside from reading manga, watching anime, and fapping until I don't feel like doing any more.

There isn't anything in this world worth living for and I don't really want much aside from superpowers because I'd get to be better than regular people and I'd get to have fun until the government catches me and experiments on me like some guinea pig. Life isn't worth living. I'm only alive because I'm too much of a coward to kill myself.

I have dysthymia. It's pretty much self-diagnosed, but I'm on prescribed medications. I've been making some adjustments on the way. If there's others also taking medications for dysthymia I can share what I've been on.

On top I have delayed sleep phase syndrome. Honestly it's easier to deal with my depression while on decent meds than this sleeping bullshit.

Nothing I have is majorly impairing to my practical functioning, but it's there, and it's annoying.

>>13457
Do share, I've been on a lot of stuff over the last years. Now I'm clean, because nothing helped.

>delayed sleep phase syndrome
Have you tried f.lux and avoiding bright lights at night? Fixed my sleeping schedule, but I just had problems falling asleep.

>>13456
Suicide is an act of cowardice, not bravery.

>>13458
I'm not the guy you're replying to, but
>f.lux and avoiding bright lights at night
This sounds like a placebo. I've had a non-24 hour sleep-wake cycle half my life, long before I spent all day every day in front of computer screens.

Some pill pushers claim I have Schizoid personality disorder, which may or may not be true. I'd like to overcome my current situation if you can even call it one, by getting the hell away from this overpopulated town and all these obnoxious people.

>>13458
Started out with escitalopram actavis, supplemented it with wellbutrin retard and mirtazapine, tested out further supplementing with liothyronin, no noticable effect on the latter. When I realized escitalopram didn't work out, I changed into moclobemid ratiopharm
but kept mirtazapin. The purpose behind the current combo is to augment mood and awakeness
with moclobemid, and increase appetite with mirtazapin, as well as inducing sleepiness (nighttime).

>Have you tried f.lux and avoiding bright lights at night?
I guess I could elaborate a little on my specific case. Honestly I don't know whether I have DSPS or hypersomnia, and getting it checked isn't very tempting (sleeping in a checked environment etc.). My problem is mainly that I always sleep at varying times, unless I compensate by sleeping more. Then there's the question of cause and effect: do I sleep excessively because of weird sleeping rythme or do I have a weird sleeping rythme because pf excessive sleep? Granted, my problem isn't falling asleep, it's falling asleep at the right times (and getting up at the right times).

>>13460
It's legit advice, it's just one of many non-medical methods of adjusting your day rythme. This meassure alone won't guarantee a solid rythme for all cases.

I need to overcome poverty.
I'm too awesome of a person to be poor, this is bullshit.

I don't know that anyone knows what is wrong with me.

It is more than just depression and anxiety though. My doctors are leaning toward bipolar now. Not sure if this is right or not.

I am so damn frustrated that no on seems to know what is wrong with me, or can give me any real help. I have been at this for 17 years now.

I can function somewhat, but it takes everything I have to hold my lousy retail position. I know I would be happier with another job, and better pay would give me independence. How to get there though...

I hate people, but crave attention. Damn paradox going on in my head.

>>13459
maybe if you have a gun, but killing yourself is a lot harder than it sounds. Setting up hanging or whatnot yourself isn't easy, and working up the nerve to do it is beyond difficult. It won't be quick, easy or painless.

I get very depressed sometimes for many reasons. I also sometimes am very emotionally distant and have trouble interacting with people. Words can come out wrong and I give off wrong impressions a lot. Some people think I'm mad at them and they are annoying me when I'm not at all and I actually enjoy the fact that someone actually wants to speak to me. Sometimes I lose control of my emotions and they can be inappropriate for the situation which makes for very awkward and embarrassing moments. Sometimes I get very angry too when I think about bad things from the past. I have audio hallucinations very often and sometimes visual with moderate body disconnections (I can describe it as like having 2 bodys and the one your in control of feels like it's partially out of your physical body and everything is slower as well as colors take strange effects.). The strongest disconnection I've ever had was I completely lost my body altogether and became what I believe to be a stretched out blob of nothing wandering down my hallway. Everything had this black shit all over it and all color was gone. Also couldn't hear or feel anything. It lasted a little less than 30 seconds at the most. My audio hallucinations can range from people speaking in the distance I can't understand, birds at random times, and sometimes even music. If I'm listening to music sometimes things will be added to it that weren't there and it scares me sometimes when I don't expect it. Like one time I was listening to some average j-pop stuff and all of a sudden I start to notice it distorting a bit and getting a choppy for second spans as well as sounds that weren't in the original music and even cutting out a little. Checking everything nothing was wrong. It then went normal for a little bit then it got a bit distorted again and I'm hearing very quiet screams in the background of it. I got scared as fuck, had no clue what was going on so I turned it off for a while and decided then wasn't a good time for music. Other times they aren't scary since I'm used to them. As for my visuals I don't get anything too bad. Sometimes things around me will change in texture a it or lighting will take weird forms. The most I had visually was actually recently. I was sitting here on the computer and all of a sudden I hear a sound and I look to my left and to the side of me forms this huge blinding golden orange light that lasts for a split second and went away. That's all I got to say.

Already posted on the health general but now that we have the thread I'll try to be more specific.

I have OCD since childhood with a severe case of intrusive thoughts, I literally can't stop thinking about unpleasant stuff, to the point that it changed my life completely.

Everytime I wake up since years I've been doing rituals and not being able to control my mind through my everyday routine in multiple occassions, contamination OCD produces a lot of anxiety as well and I've been coping with depressions, eating disorders and self-harm often due to self-inflicted wounds being the only way to stop the intrusive thoughts and the anxiety at times, I'm sleep deprived too.

Started taking Sertraline (prescripted), first dosage was 50mg a day, just one pill, didn't notice a lot of improvement so I went for 100mg a day and the OCD remains strong but depression is finally gone except during mornings before taking my pills, I'm taking sleeping pills to get some rest during the night as well.

Had really bad side effects the first few days, depression got a lot worse,OCD didn't increase and it was even reduced a bit but the obsessions were stronger,had a panic attack and suicidal urges during and after said episode, but after one week taking the meds they seemed to stop and I went back to a state regarding OCD that is somewhat similar to the initial one but noticeably better, I can avoid some of the intrusive thoughts at times but they still control my mind, anxiety remains the same more or less but depression is gone for the most part.

Post edited on 14th Mar 2013, 10:33pm

>>13460
It's not just the computer screen, it's the TV screen, the smartphone screen, all other lights, the refrigerator, street lights that shine into your window, what have you.

Try it out for a week, when the sun sets, avoid all lights except for your f.lux computer. You'll definitely notice the difference.

>>13463
Everyone thinks that, but most everyone is poor. I doubt theres a single form of 'awesomeness' that automatically means you're not.

Mom / School thinks I'm an aspie. Minimum wage job, got my life kindasorta made though.

>>13473
what about the awesomeness that comes from being a rich motherfucker's son?

>>13474
There's someone in my family that is very rich. They have a very nice house and it's huge. You should see what their bedroom looks like, it's as nice as it gets and it's bigger than their living room. They also have a small bar in the basement and even some pinball machines. The basement of the place is even nice looking enough to be mistaken for another living room. They have a very nice backyard too overall. I wouldn't want to live there though, I like where I'm living now but going there from time to time is fine. I like to relax on their deck or in the basement playing pinball sometimes.

I'm just not happy. But I'm not sad either.

I used to understand happy, I know that I used to be happy.
I'm unhappy now and I can't remember what it's like to be happy, I only remember.
I remember being happy only in comparison to not being happy, which is what I am now.

I'm just sorta jaded/apathetic now. I guess. I don't know. I just float around.

>>13481
That's the way I feel. Right now I feel like I'm just existing with hint of background negativity and positivity mixed together. I feel some happiness when I'm listening to music or going out somewhere on a weekend night with a couple family members so I don't have to be here all night but for now that's it. I may get a better mood once temperatures warm up and I can actually go outside again. Feels kind of like I'm living in a dream at the moment.

>>13481
>>13499
You guys get me. I feel like a cloud that only moves because the wind is blowing.

I'm just dying. You know. Everything is bad. I feel like I have every single disorder in the world. And now they are starting to manifest themselves in extreme physical pain. What a terrible life it has been. I'm probably going to stop breathing very soon. Please save yourselves before you fall into an infinite void. You are still able to see the light, up to a point. Or, at least, that's just how my life went. Oh well.

I've been struggling my whole life to explain myself-- why I behave as I do. I don't work: I've only tried it once and lasted less than 3 months, and I'm kind of amazed I made it that long. I've never finished college despite enrolling and subsequently dropping out on three separate occasions, and this is for a two-year program. I've never had a relationship, I haven't had anything resembling friends in years and years, I don't go out and engage in any activities or hobbies. I just stay in my room and pass the time on my computer, except when I have reason to leave and attend to some other matter.

I'm not depressed and I'm not afraid. Depressive thought patterns do not addle my mind, and neither do phobias discourage me from leaving the house or trying to succeed in life. Based on the results of psychological testing, I was diagnosed with "avoidant personality disorder with schizoid features." I don't feel that this begins to convey the magnitude of the adaptation I have made. Avoidants recoil from social interaction but are otherwise functional. Schizoids compartmentalize their emotions in order to function. I am not so functional as either textbook case, and neither do I fit all of the criteria of either; I display affect and I do not flinch in the face of social interaction or dwell on thoughts of inadequacy.

If I had to describe my personality disorder, I would say that I maintain a significant degree of detachment at all times-- it comes as naturally to me as breathing-- because this is the only way I can achieve security of self. I don't know if that's a thing I can explain; if you haven't experienced the particular sort of violation that I have, early in childhood, you probably won't know what it means to feel like the very the concept of yourself is in peril. To be so completely and utterly invalidated, without even the simplest mental defense of denial to retreat to, that everything you believe yourself to be is crushed and annihilated.

>>13612
>I maintain a significant degree of detachment at all times
You sound like some kind of hermit. So you detach from things because they threaten your self? What is a self then? Sounds like something that doesn't really exist. If it gets annihilated, maybe you can stop worrying about protecting it and your life would be easier.

>>13613
It's mental/emotional detachment, not physical withdrawal.
Wikipedia defines 'self' quite succinctly: The self is an individual person as the object of his or her own reflective consciousness.
It's basically your understanding of yourself. I was never happier than when I was so young that this hadn't yet formed in my mind, and if I could be free of it I would be far better off in many ways, I'm certain. If it were to be annihilated, however, it would probably just reform, perhaps even more isolationist than ever. It seems to be a byproduct of a conscious mind, or at least one which lives in a society with others, and thus not so easily undone.

>>13614
But your understanding of yourself is just knowledge. It's not a thing that really exists. How can that knowledge torment you so much?

How do you even get a self? Do you gather information about your life and then say that you are that information? Doesn't make sense to me. A self can only be described in thoughts, but thoughts have to be part of that self. A self can only be described in knowledge, but knowledge has to be part of that self. You are going in circles, when you try to find this self.

So you take parts of your life and say they are your self and other parts that aren't your self or what? And then you have to protect the parts of yourself that you call self from the other parts that you call not-self? And then you operate from the assumption that half the world (the not-self) wants to annihilate the self?

You are probably right that you can't annihilate it. That would merely reinforce that belief. Maybe you just have to realize that the self is just knowledge and you can't really be captured by it. But at the same time, you can't really be free from it. So it doesn't really matter what you do.

It's like somebody who wants to be free from the color yellow. If that guy shuts himself in his house all day. He isn't free. So what does he do? How does he get freedom from the color yellow? He can't, even if he stabs his eyes out, he isn't free. But a color can't have control over you, so what does it matter? He should relax and watch some anime.

I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder around the 8th grade. Also been recently diagnosed with Asperger's. I dunno, I guess they had always chalked everything up to bipolar and social anxiety before.

In any case, I had to drop out of college for being too much of an all-around mental fuckup to live in a dorm, function in class, sleep properly, get any work done, etc. Since then, I've been put on pretty much every medication they could think of. So far, nothing's been able to make my head stable enough to fully deal with the outside world and all of life's pressures that come with it.

I hate feeling like a fucking lab rat testing all these damn pills. Nothing works, or it'll start to make me feel a little better, but not quite enough, so I'll get the dose upped and that just fucks me up worse than before. Some of them deal with one problem but create another. I've been at this for at least a year now. Living at home, no autismbux-generated income (as of yet), not much to do but play vidya, watch animu, idly browse the internet and whatever hobbies I can find to entertain myself, broken up regularly by mood swings and panic attacks.

It's been at least a year now, and I feel like I'm still just sitting here becoming more and more distant from the rest of the world. I'm not so far into denial to say I don't still have basic human social needs (yet). But the internet feels like kind of a hollow substitute to fill in for the bare minimum in that regard.

So yeah, professional help hasn't been all that much help, and as much as I find some strange solace in venting to the tohno-chan here, it makes me really depressed because I usually try not to think too much into it. So thanks, both seriously and sarcastically.

Fuck.

I suppose I have depression. I apologise for the life story to follow.

I visited a psychologist for around six months at the behest of my parents, after previously having been on antidepressants from my GP.
He, being a psychologist who couldn't prescribe anything, was more concerned with things like exercise and resuming my studies as methods of 'recovery'.
I had to fill in an exercise and activity journal throughout my 'treatment', but I simply faked the whole thing.
I was sleeping around 16 hours per day at this point and doing very little in the other eight hours.
I suppose I didn't get along with the psychologist to begin with. He annoyed me and I was quite rude to him on several occasions (not unjustifiably).
Eventually I told him that I wasn't coming back after ascertaining that he wasn't allowed to talk to my parents about it (he wanted them to keep a close eye on me).
I told my parents that he said I wasn't required to return.

Eventually I returned to the city and to university (Physics). My parents rented a flat for me. I truly had to because the other option was to get a job.
My father had grown tired of me after I had lived back at home for two years, even though I only visited the kitchen at night and rarely saw him.
My mother was always more understanding (pitying?), but it seems it takes a unanimous household vote to keep a NEET.

My return to study has been a dismal failure. I am scraping by because I barely do any study except in the weeks leading up to exams. I don't tell my parents how bad it is.
I only turn up to labs, because that is when attendance is taken. I don't have the marks to ever find a Masters supervisor and continue, and of course I don't have the will to anyway.
When I turn up I am stressed because of all the people I have to talk to.
I don't have any goals in life and I don't want a life of working to live. I will kill myself after university unless some unexpected opportunity arises.

>>13610
Did you post that on the men's rights reddit?

>>13625
>men's rights
There exists no such thing, don't be silly.

>>13620
I think I'm going to become much like you in a year or so if we follow a similar timeline for our eerily similar situations.

Does anyone else belive like they dont deerve ni e things

like, i have limbs
i dont need them
i could saw them off and in the grand schmee of things nothing would change
so why should i have limbs

>>13630
your logic is flawless

>>13630
hahaha
what are you gonna do, give your limbs to someone who 'deserves' them?
yeah, I'm sure some amputee would be delighted to wake up one morning and find some bloody severed legs on his doorstep.

Shit like this is why I don't do drugs.

>>13636
but how can you definitively say that it's stupid for any reason other than my cowardice

when I actually did do it, it calmed me down very quickly and felt very 'right' to do.

my other impulses feel similarly 'right' and as if they will be calming; why not do it again and in more extreme ways?

who says i wont be happier without an eye, or having cut a leg off, or some other thing

Post edited on 21st Mar 2013, 3:30am

>>13633
Who cares dude? I'm not gonna sugar coat it, that's fucking retarded.

>>13634
the only thing keeping me from doing more is raw cowardice

i don't see any other reason to not self-harm

>>13635
Not having a reason not to do something (stupid) is not a good reason to do it.

>>13615
That's a strange thing to say. Knowledge doesn't exist? It exists as neurological pathways in my brain. And there are many kinds of knowledge which can torment: knowledge of failures, knowledge of betrayals.

A self is just one's image or mental conception of oneself. It's a means of introspection and reflection. It allows us to be aware of how others see us, to know when to inhibit our urges for the sake of integration with society. It's also the source of important psychological resources such as self-esteem. This might be more aptly termed a self-image, though I think the line between self and self-image is not altogether discrete. Whatever you call it, though, it's vital for one's functioning in society.

>>13637
>That's a strange thing to say. Knowledge doesn't exist? It exists as neurological pathways in my brain.

Knowledge doesn't really exist. Your brain and pathways do exist, but that in itself is not knowledge. If you just take your brain out of its context, the knowledge "the sky is blue" doesn't make sense anymore. Because there is no color blue, no sky, nobody to see the sky anymore. Knowledge needs a context to work. It's only knowledge if you put it all together. In the same way, a self doesn't really exist apart from its surroundings.

>And there are many kinds of knowledge which can torment: knowledge of failures, knowledge of betrayals.

What do they torment? Your self. So we go in circles there. The self is just knowledge, but knowledge torments the self. I don't see a reason for the torment to be there. Normally you would just learn from the knowledge of your failure and then forget it. And I'm not talking about real failures here, real failure does hurt. But that's bodily pain and doesn't last very long. I'm talking about the knowledge of that failure.

>A self is just one's image or mental conception of oneself. It's a means of introspection and reflection. It allows us to be aware of how others see us, to know when to inhibit our urges for the sake of integration with society. It's also the source of important psychological resources such as self-esteem. This might be more aptly termed a self-image, though I think the line between self and self-image is not altogether discrete.

I'm not arguing against that, I'm sure it's useful. It just doesn't really exist and it causes you torment. Isn't that weird? It's just a form of knowledge. The whole thing is weird, you make up a self-image, then you find a failure that goes against that self-image and then you have a war in your head. And both sides of the war don't really exist. They are just thoughts and knowledge.

>What do they torment? Your self. So we go in circles there. The self is just knowledge, but knowledge torments the self.
Just because they're both knowledge doesn't mean they're the same thing. The knowledge that I have failed at something is not the same thing as the knowledge of who I am. That's false equivalence.

>It just doesn't really exist and it causes you torment. Isn't that weird? It's just a form of knowledge.
It may "not really exist," but it is your understanding of reality. So while you could disregard it and put your fingers in your ears and sing "la la la," you'd be deluding yourself. And then you would be without all of functions which a self serves, as I've already detailed in my previous post. So yes, it's "just knowledge," but it's knowledge which is of critical importance to your survival. That's like saying your house is "just four walls and a roof" while obstinately ignoring the fact that is the shelter which you need in order to live. You're missing the forest for the trees, reductio ad absurdum.

>>13654
But a house is just four walls and a roof. You don't need it in order to survive. That's where the problem starts, when a house is just four walls and a roof, you live in there and everything is fine, when it burns down, you build a new one. But when you say you need it to live, you will be tormented by fear about it burning to the ground, even if there is no fire. If a self is just knowledge, you can use it and everything is fine. If you say it's of critical importance to your survival, that's where the torment starts.

You say that once you stop seeing the house as critical to your survival, you lose the functions of the house. But I'm saying that you are not a slave to it anymore. It's the same with your self-image, you can still use it, but you are not a slave to it anymore.

>>13673
I don't need to declare any of these things for them to be so-- the criticality of the self or the necessity of the house. They are both obvious conclusions based on what I know: a house is not easily built, and I might well die of exposure before I could rebuild one. Likewise, a self takes many years to come to fruition.

not much to say about it, dropped outof society after 10th grade

I remember a bit after I was diagnosed i was still doing a few things but had dropped out already, I liked my drama class so even though I couldn't act anymore I just kind of showed up so there were these 2 people i kind of new because I had smoked with them in the back a few times, just kind of vaguely knew them butt hey were my closest friends, a couple times we had lunch together after drama class but i didn't want to eat so I just sort of drank tea and sat with them cause I wanted someone to sit with

one of them was a guy and he was kind of cute and pretty perceptive, I can't tell if it hapepned or not cause its kind of hazy but i tried really hard not to react to those circumstances and I, whenever I looked around at something or flinched away from monsters he sort of looked at me. I never told anyone I got disgnoaed but I think he knew but never commented on it

the other girl was this edgy borderline piece of shit that pretended to have all kinds of mental illness inclusing schizophrenia even thought she showed no symptoms at all but always had everyone focused on her because she is a asparagus, but ti kept attention off me cause I mostly just stared iinto space and never said anything but I mostly hated her. she probably knew too, I bet the boy told her
one time I was walking to get tea with her and she keeps talking even though I couldntt really reciprocate and then she says out of the blue about how she hallucinated a guy in her class "ololol does that make me crazy?? omg lol i drew the sigil for lucifer I don't even remember that I totally have multiple personality disorder pls pay attention to me I hear voices all the time lol"

in retrospect sorry for sentence quality probably

>>13686
What were you diagnosed with?

I'm just not built to live in this world at all.
And lately, every day, my memory gets worse. I'll get up to do something, sit back down and not remember doing anything. I'm forgetting all my usernames, pins, passwords, my cellphone number, my home phone number, which way turns a tap on/off, same shit for light switches. The list goes on but that's about the size of it. Don't think I'll live past the first through months of next year at this rate.
I've had worse, though. At least even though I'm still too depressed to have motivation for anything, I can still enjoy things to an extent. It's better than lying there watching the clock all day until I was tired enough to get to sleep, only to be woken up by insomnia causing nightmares.
I went to a "mental health specialist" several times, only to be fucked around with apointments for dumb "reasons" such as taking a week off due to a cold. That on top of the fact that they had no idea what they were doing or talking about has put me off the idea completely. I'd rather die.
Oh, and there was one more thing. I can't feel friendship anymore. Not sure why. The social skills I have are all still there, but I can't feel it. I can only feel love, but that's okay.

>>13689
How does one "feel" friendship?

>>13690
I can only vaguely remember the feeling. It's like there's some kind of bond there that makes you trust them and want to spend time with them.
Whatever it was, it's gone, now.

>>13675
Yes, you do. A house is just four walls and a roof. I don't know why you would willingly see it otherwise, when that torments you.

My therapist and doctor have concluded that I am depressed. Therapy has not helped, personally.

>>13693
I don't know which kind of therapy you were refering to, but I've tried with psychologists in the past, two times, and it didn't work out,a psychiatrist is where it's at, in my opinion, because they'll not only listen to what you have to say, they give you meds to help your situation, not just sitting there and spilling uplifting nonsense like psychologists do

>>13687
schizophrenia

>>13692
He's made it pretty clear he disagrees with you. Relax and forget about it

>>13692
Try building one yourself before you shit on carpenters around the world.

>>13692
I don't do so willingly. It happens entirely without my conscious intervention. It follows from my own need to survive: such items as are essential to my survival are items which it worries me to lose.

Does anyone know how to get perspiration drugs for medication? Where do I go, who do I see (a regular doctor, a psychiatrist etc?)? I tried asking my parents for help but they just told me to go to church and pray to jesus to "save me". Please help.

>>13718
>perspiration drugs for medication?
I meant prescription drugs for depression. Sorry

>>13719
If you are sure you want to try them, just go to your regular doctor, tell them about what's happening with you and they'll probably give you a referral (a scheduled appointment with somewhere else) to a "mental health specialist." Or, they might just prescribe you something themselves.
That's how it works here, anyway. Good luck.

>>13720
Yes, I do. I can't enjoy anything anymore and feel really suicidal. I mean, what's the point of taking it easy if you can't relax? It's stressful.

I don't know my doctor but I'll just go to a random one I guess. Thank you so much.

>>13721
Fair enough then, I ended up doing the same. Took until the third anti-depressant to have any effect, though, but it is an improvement. I'm not sure if they'll prescribe you particular ones, but that third one I was on is Mirtazapine, which helps you sleep (though it feels like the quality of your sleep is lowered), is known for having far fewer side effects, and seemed to be pretty popular at the time. They may have still been experimenting with it then, though, because there was a requirement of having tried two other medications first. Might be different where you are.

I am still trying to find a medication that helps.

I went through most SSRI's. I am now on an anti consultant and a anti psychotic. Mellows my mood some, but still having problems. I sometimes enjoy things now, and don't think about killing myself as much. So some improvement.

After a little more than month of sertraline intake I can say that I noticed a huge change when it comes to my depression.

The OCD is still unbeareable at times but I don't cut as often now, only when the anxiety hits me hard and there isn't other way to make it go away, my therapist also gave me risperidone, which I started taking last night along with the sleeping pills, I don't have any experience with it for the time being but I hope it'll help with the anxiety.

Never saw a point in suicide.
I mean you're gonna die anyway why end it early?
It's not like life HAS to have a meaning for you to live it.
You're here by accident. While you're alive, live. Pursue happiness, do whatever. If you don't find it in the end, fuck it at least you lived to the end of your journey.
You don't have to justify your existence to anyone.

You will have an eternity to be dead.

>>13772
>I mean you're gonna die anyway why end it early?
cluster headaches, chronic pain, psychosis, political protest, stop being a social burden etc...

I mean, as much as your statement is true, you could also say: why bother living when you lose all sense and memory of experience, upon death?

>>13772
Sounds like the ramblings of somebody who's never actually had serious depression.
Suicide is an escape from pain. Pain which is not always temporary.

Whenever I think of suicide all I can think about is how much it would hurt my parents

I landed myself back in a psych ward — another different one — on Monday. This time, it's for an interrupted suicide attempt — I was caught mid-looking-for-pills-which-my-mother-hid — with a sideline of prescription drug abuse.

The thing I miss most from my home is my computer. A tablet is really not a good substitute.

There's a little confusion involved. I have always assumed, since the diagnoses were first suggested, that I have borderline personality disorder and Asperger's. My usual psychiatrist affirms this, but the psychiatrists here are adamant that one can only have one or the other, and that a combination of both is extremely rare. I don't know what to think.

>>16194
Internet access and tablets in a nuthouse? That's pretty luxurious, never saw any of that stuff on my trip to the slammer.

>>16195
Yup - it's odd. The first things I expected them to confiscate were my 3G modem and my tablet, but they overlooked them.

I'd like to share this series of videos of a guy about his life with Avoidant Personality Disorder because I can directly associate with the majority of what he says.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YKUA7xukhng

>>13776
This. I can't even imagine how much pain it would bring a parent to lose their child. I could never do that to my parents, no matter how much life sucks.
Even if they were gone, I still wouldn't be able to go through with it. Just thinking of all the time, effort, and money they spent on me, throwing it all away early would be a waste.

I suffer from manic depression and agoraphobia.
My mom took me to a mental hospital when I was 16 because I stopped going to school and started to rarely go outside, that's when I was diagnosed and medicated, spent a month there.
I couldn't deal with leaving the hospital and relapsed into reclusion several months later, was a hikki until recently, I'd go around 4-6 months without going outside, my longest stretch of time spent inside was 8 months.
Lately I've been fed up with my situation so I've been trying to get my mother to help me get medicated again but she doesn't have as much free time as she used to, I've even begun trying to force myself to go outside, works about every few weeks now so I must be improving, I have the occasional panic attack or a suicidal thought from the stress of going outside this much but it's manageable.

I'm 20 now just in case you were wondering.
I don't know how to be an adult.

I can never close every tab in my browser, I don't think I have very bad insomnia problem, I simply lack the will to want to sleep. The feeling of missing out on my time even though it'll be there when I wake up. Is there anyway to trick myself into not staying awake? Any drugs that don't make you sleepy, but make you have lazy judgement? Cannabis is the only one I can think of, but I hear it's bad to become dependent on it. I don't like the effect of alcohol either because the amounts that make me sleepy, make me feel pretty crappy and low energy overall.

>>16228
I used to have this to an extreme. What helped in my case was asking myself whether or not I enjoyed refreshing boards for 16 hours on that day and why I thought that an extra hour or two wasn't going to make me think that it was a waste. Most days, my answer is no, I did not enjoy my time doing this routine. This causes me to get angry and upset at myself, making me want to go to sleep as soon as possible and forget about life. I guess it depends on your value system. I don't see it working for an immortal person or one that doesn't care about the passing of time in the greater picture. In a word, get really depressed about something to the point of wanting to fall asleep forever. That's probably not healthy to do everyday, though. Cannabis has a large spectrum of reactions from people, much like any drug. There are stories of it helping a lot with falling asleep, and others of the opposite.

Post edited on 8th Nov 2013, 12:23pm

My doctor has said I have a personality disorder, but the only specialists that could help me on his recommendation, none of them are taking patients on my healthcare.

I have memory lapses and shift in and out of coherence, and at times I 'wake up' complete lost to the current situation. My other me seems to like sleeping more than keeping myself employed and shuts off my wake up alarm even after plenty of sleep. I'm on thin ice at my shit job from being late in the mornings and I don't know how to tell my boss without putting my job at further risk.

Any advice?

>>16237
Start a fight club.

>>16237
Set up a cruel wake-up alarm that cannot be shut off and will wake you up without failure. Several loud alarms at various hidden locations around the house, a contraption that drops a bucket of water on you, or something like that.

Generalized anxiety disorder, severe depression, borderline personality disorder.
Diagnosed and medicated, citalopram only made me start cutting though, so they gave me diazepam for the anxiety too

>>16237
Some smartphone alarm clocks have a feature that can use the GPS to detect whether you're moving faster than a certain speed to figure out whether you're on your way to work. I think on Android Alarm Clock Xtreme does that but I've never tested that particular feature.

Depression, anxiety, and ADHD.

I didn't want to rely on meds, so I stopped cold turkey around a year ago. Needless to say, I feel like shit, but I want to learn to deal with things on my own.

The worst part is not being able to sleep. I feel like most of my problems would dissipate if I could get a good night's rest every once in a while.

If you are struggling to sleep, please look into melatonin. I take a quarter of a 3mg pill every few days if I know I'll need to be well rested the next day, and it has made a huge difference to my quality of life.

If you're trying to live without meds, you could make a case that melatonin doesn't count as meds since your body produces it naturally anyway.

>>16260
Agreed, it puts me out like a rock without making me too groggy in the morning.

>>16260
Having too much of things naturally 'produced' in your body can be harmful like Vitamin A or testosterone. For melatonin it seems just your body produces less of it so you become dependent on it and higher doses to effectively achieve the same knock-out effects. Like other synthesized drugs really.

I'm one to talk. That's what's happening to me haha.

>>16260
Trust me, I tried. Whenever I took it, it made me extremely groggy to the point where I can't get out of bed in the morning. Strange thing is that's the only effect it had, I didn't fall asleep any sooner and I kept waking up multiple times during the night like usual. If I try taking a smaller dose (1 mg), it doesn't do jack shit.
Thanks for the advice though.

I feel like the only option I have left is to request a much stronger anti-depressant. I just want things to change. I can't take steps on my own until something puts me on my feet. I'm just a slumped mess and I want to escape it.

Do drugs really help even?

Even though emotionally I'm doing okay with all things considered, I know that my body is telling me that I'm about ready to have a full blown anxiety attack which will probably last for days (if not more than a week). All of the telltale signs are there and I am dealing with a lot of stress. I hope my body is lying to me and my hands are getting sweaty and I'm shaking for no reason but I know I'm doomed.

>>16927
Sometimes but it's really a crapshoot and I don't like what going on medication did to me in the long run.

pretty sure I'm a legitimate psychopath, though never diagnosed.
I am completely unfeeling. Sometimes I'll force a feigned emotional reaction to a heavy event just so that I appear normal, but the only time I truly feel anything is out of selfishness.
I went through this phase when I was younger (age 15-17) where I planned many murders and firebombings under the guise of animal rights terrorism. Looking back, I don't think I legitimately felt for the animals I was a part of this movement fighting for. I think I just enjoyed the attention I got from telling people I was a vegan and the ability to feel like I was morally superior to them for it and it was a good excuse to take the lives of others. I knew the repercussions my actions would have and didn't care. I was happily ready to spend my life behind bars because I considered it a step above my current living arrangements and didn't mind being trapped in my own mind. My targets were simple family owned fur and leather clothing stores. Luckily, I never acted on any of my plans for a variety of reasons and soon grew out of this phase.

Currently, I am constantly feeling conflicted and confused about my own emotions or lack there of. Before responding to an event, I try to put myself in the shoes of a healthy minded individual and think "How would he respond to this scenario?" before delivering my act. Usually I fail and end up stuttering over my own words due to my frustration and inability to empathize. Sometimes this leads to such self loathing and doubt that I inflict harm on myself. Not because I feel I deserve it or anything like that, but because I want to feel so desperately. I punch myself and slap myself and drive my fists into the walls and sometimes I can't even feel the physical pain.
My mind is an empty expanse and all I do all day is try to distract myself so I don't have to acknowledge it.

I've been seeing a doctor every few months, supposed to be taking some shit pills for my schizoid problems. Today they prescribed some more that should make me more energetic or something. Also got kinda pushed into some mental health classes although I'm not convinced I need them. whole thing is such a bother and i wish they'd just leave me alone. I hate being looked at as being crazy just for not conforming to what's 'normal'.
still living with my mom? Has nothing to do with homes being expensive and requiring two jobs just to pay rent, no there's just something wrong with me!
I don't leave my house very often but thats not becuase I can't afford to go anywhere, it's becuase there's something wrong with me!
I haven't had a job in years but that's not becuase the economy is fucked up or anything there's just something wrong with me!
I got no 3DPD, but that has nothing to do with how revolting 3dpd whores are, it's becuase there's something wrong with me!
I like to be left alone but that has nothing to do with being introverted it's becuase there's something wrong with me!!

fuck!
you!

I'm not really sure how this split/multiple personality disorder stuff works. Is it possible to have multiple personality disorder but be in full control of each of them? Like, if you have conversations with yourself but you're completely in control of both sides? Is it not a mental problem so much as just odd behavior?


The only person I feel truly comfortable talking to is myself. sometimes I literally have to talk myself into things, convince myself I'm right/wrong about things and so forth.

>>17688
I'm no expert, but I think there's at least one condition to being qualified for such a diagnosis - that your conversation is between 2 or more distinctly different egos. Think Gollum. On the other hand, I'm not sure whether it's possible to have the different personalities fluently interact with one another, like in a controlled conversation. It's possible that there are several definitions of split personality disorder.

>>17688
Dissociative identity disorder is a pretty controversial thing, but as I understand it an impairment of control and/or memory is a core criterion of it specifically, but dissociative experiences in general are a much wider (and probably even more poorly categorized and understood) phenomenon than just DID like my particular flavor, depersonalization; there's always been just me, but he's usually not really me. Like I'm looking at the world from the far end of a tunnel terminating at myself.

So—and I mean I'm on the patient side of psychiatry myself so what do I know—but I'd imagine your thing is pretty close in some diagnostic or brain functional way and just not technically as severe at this time.

But I don't know that it'd get diagnosed as a mental health problem if its effect isn't severe enough to impair normal function as such or to be highly distressing. But then seeing as you're on /so/...

>>17644
I'm in your situation besides seeing anyone and I'm definitely screwed up in some way but fuck like I know what. I been having so much more frequent ups and downs. manic, crippling depression, repeat and sometimes even in the same day. I exercise like I always have been for years and eat generally the same but I just go through the motions now and I'm so much more weak with hardly anything to drive me and my energy is very low often now because of it. My visual and audio hallucinations are getting ridiculous and I feel like I live in the twilight zone or something and the world has already ended. This Winter of living as a hiki and only going shopping by tagging along with mom or dad as my way to get out feels like it was finally the straw that broke the camels back. I'm on the internet so much with nothing much else to look forward to so much that my brain feels like scrambled eggs. Not to mention I have almost no money and can't drive nor will anyone let me have a job. At 21 years old, it doesn't fucking cut it anymore.

There's nothing I can do about it, it seems. I'm probably going to be living like this forever till I'm kicked out. I would like my be independent at least but no society won't even let me do that. I've been given an indirect death sentence for not being born socially acceptable enough. This is just another Saturday night in my sweat oven of a room stuff my face with take out pizza feeling like the walls are closing in around me cause the claustrophobia of living like this is also starting to break me. Don't know what to do but I feel like I'm dying.

>>17696
>society won't even let me do that
That's one way of looking at it. The way I look at it is how good/bad cards you've been dealt. As a results it can be an uphill battle to stay in it, it could be hopeless or it could be a breeze. In losing games you either have shitty cards or you're playing them wrong. So either you fold, go down fighting, or maybe you'll pull off the miraculous comeback.

>>17698
I am currently just working with what I got best I can and hoping for a miracle since nothing is going to happen any time soon that isn't one that will help me. And forget the fact that I can't drive, even if I somehow did with a minimum wage job, a car eating away at me money would leave me pocket change putting me back where I started but then with less time to myself and just as little money. I see no way out, I think I'm fucked.

OP here, I'm glad that all of us could share their experience and try to lend a hand to a brother in need, it's been a long while and the fact that this didn't die out means that plenty of us have these kind of problems

My OCD diminished almost completely when it comes to intrusive thoughts, roughly 80% or so, but l'm still struggling with depression from time to time because it's chronic, haven't cut in a long while and became a Marijuana grower, something l longed for my entire life, it's one of my passions and it brings happiness to my life in contrast with all the dark

Still taking Sertraline 200mg each day (higher dose), earned tolerance towards Clonazepam and l take it casually or at random, weed helps a lot with anxiety and insomnia, problem is that l'm an outdoor grower and l ran out of it, so l got back to risperidone and levomeprazine to get some sleep, also started to work out at a very obscure gym in my area, easygoing training for now, 3 times a week, mostly to kill the time and avoid my mind going into dark places, after almost dying 2 times from alcohol+pills (my family gave me first aid when l passed out) and l also was very close to cut my throat one night that l felt really bad over something and cut deep in my right arm, trying to live a bit more healthy doesn't seem like a bad idea

I sincerely hope things get stable or even better for all of you, it costed me so many things to achieve what little l have now that it makes me realize how difficult it is to live with this kind of disorders and mental sickness

>>17705
Guess I'll follow suit. I posted about dysthymia, so I'm small-time in comparison, but I guess this isn't a contest. Anyway, leaning more towards light bipolar now, stepping up on lamictal. There's a lot of variations on bipolar, but few legit meds. Still keeping the other meds, that's no problem. Incidentally, I think I'm on a high right now. It's like I'm on a prolonged sugar high, but it'll probably go away in a matter of days. My goal is to keep the highs and cap the lows. Granted this is still self-diagnosed, so who knows.

Regarding sleeping disorder - I've educated myself on the physiology of it, so it feels much less cumbersome. I recommend it.

I've been diagnosed with dysthmia which I never thought was serious but recently I think I've sunk really low. I could at least keep myself occupied before, but since last week I haven't found anything remotely enjoyable. I just lay in bed all day and all night, sometimes sleeping. Even the couple people I talk to online can't help me.

More than ever I've realized how much i want to be happy. Not just 'fine' or 'okay' or 'usual.' I want to be happy.

My psychiatrist thinks I might have the autism.

Can I really get money out of this? What if my parents have plenty of money?

>>17710
I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you aren't trolling. Disability support is often based on household income. So if you live with wealthy parents then no bux for you. If you're enough of an autist to be designated an infirm adult dependent then you're permanently attached to your parents income as long as they are claiming tax benefits from it. Even if you live on your own, you will be asked about your family situation and may be grilled on why your wealthy parents aren't spoonfeeding you instead in the application.

>>17715
That's what I thought.

Also, I'm not trolling. I really am that stupid and lazy.

>>17716
Why do you even want autismbux? They may give you a standard of living above those making minimum wage but certainly not enough to live like some yuppie. If your parents have more than enough there's nothing to worry about. The richer they are, the relatively cheaper you can be to maintain.

Unless you're that kind of rich stereotype wanting to exploit every loophole in which case I suppose you can still try to fake it through with the help of fancy counsel.

>>17717
Not him but I have a rich parent and he wouldn't give me a dime if my life depended on it. I've been trying to get on social security benefits for years with no luck.