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25719 No. 25719 [Edit]
How is your mental condition? From a functional point of view.

I'm really worried about this. Any issue I could have is getting worse with the years and I'm developing new ones.
My hands don't respond well, I drop things or do weird shit like getting stuck in a certain movement. Sometimes I just fall or lose my balance. I get my clothes hooked with all kinds of stuff, like doors, and I haven't seen a person with the same problem in my life.
I confuse numbers, like my own phone number, directions and names. But I'm also starting to confuse words and sounds. Let's say I want to say "psychology" and suddenly I don't know if I should say "psychologist", "psychology" or psychologic". Or I want to say or write "come on" and I say "common", "coming", "cumming" or who knows what dumb shit. Sometimes I just forget words or half a sentence so I just end with an absolute nonsense that I can't even understand myself. Other issues include repeating things (maybe I even posted this before but I can't know for sure), getting extremely disoriented while going anywhere and being unable to focus on anything (I can't even properly watch an episode of anime because of this). Sometimes I'm reading a book and I have to turn back and reread the last 20 pages because I've literally no idea about what I've been reading in the last ten minutes.

It seems like alzheimer or the kind of illness you start to suffer when you're old, senile and about to die soon, but I'm in my 30's.
I heard lack (I just wrote "like" in place of "lack", noticed minutes later while rereading) of social interaction can deteriorate your cognition but this is just too much and it's not like I've been the last ten years in a desert island.
It could be something worse like a brain tumour, actual alzheimer (it's rare but it can start in your 30's) or some similar disease.
But I don't see what I can do about it. I can't go to a doctor because I don't believe in them and this is an issue that would require lots of effort to get a dyagnose. I want to improve my enviroment and mindset to see if it can help, but if it's something serious I'm fucked. Also if they tell me to go to a psychiatrist I could end into a mental hospital, At this point I can't really be honest with anyone or it could get pretty bad.

Have you dealt with anything remotely similar?
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>> No. 25720 [Edit]
>I can't go to a doctor because I don't believe in them and this is an issue that would require lots of effort to get a dyagnose
Since this seems to be more of a "physical" mental issue rather than a psychological one I think that going to the doctor is the best choice since they'll be able to run you through a battery of tests. In fact the earlier you go the better, as many neurological conditions are progressively deteriorating, and the earlier you catch them the less permanent damage is done.

>Also if they tell me to go to a psychiatrist I could end into a mental hospital, At this point I can't really be honest with anyone or it could get pretty bad.
Again I think your conditions are more neurological rather than psychological. I would highly urge you to go to the doctor/neurologist asap. They can run you through an fmri, eeg, etc. You don't even have to tell them about your emotional state; this is a purely physical thing.

In case you aren't convinced, here's an excerpt from "neurodegenerative diseases" [1]

>Degenerative nerve diseases affect many of your body's activities, such as balance, movement, talking, breathing, and heart function.
Already what you've described ticks off three of those.


Post edited on 5th Jul 2020, 1:17am
>> No. 25721 [Edit]
That sounds horrible.
I had my doubts about being physical of psychological. I know psychological can fuck you up in ways you wouldn't think possible. Also, some of these issues have been present for most of my life, and aggravated in last years. But I have to recognize you sound convincing, I didn't mention it but I even have heart issues too. Problem is, if it's really that, there isn't too much to be done about it, just to slow it. So in that particular situation I think I would just enjoy whatever time is left trying not to think about it and not involving anyone, until it becomes unbearable. I just hope I'm able to notice if the time comes.
>> No. 25722 [Edit]
I have noticed such a deterioration as well. I find it harder to talk to people than before, even if I am talking to family if a sentence is anything other than something simple and mundane I tend to stumble and the sentence comes out nothing like I intend it too.

Also I have OCD, I made a post about that before. It hasn't really improved since then but it hasn't really gotten worse either. Most of it is due to or exacerbated by my environment so I think if I can move then it will not be as bad. I'm just waiting for an appropriate place to come on the market.
>> No. 25723 [Edit]
Not being able to talk well wouldn't make me worry that much, at the end, it makes sense; you don't talk so you end having trouble with talking since you lack of practice. It's more problematic when you do something really often, like reading or watching anime or movies, or just going shopping, then little by little you find more difficulties with it for no apparent reason at all.

OCD seems a lot more fucked up though. I suspect I developed some early stages of it just in last years, but it's usually something I do for some time then stop doing it after something else takes the place, probably a way to vent anxiety. At the end I guess I'm just too lazy and unfocused to suffer a serious or a proper case of it, while my behavior could still look kinda fucked up most times, it's not that bad.
When it gets serious it has to be like hell though. Just knowing that what you're doing doesn't make sense and it's sick and still can't do anything to change it it's not something that seems easy to deal with. At least I like to believe I'm in control of myself. Maybe I'm not, but I want to be able to believe it at some degree.
>> No. 25728 [Edit]
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>Have you dealt with anything remotely similar?
Your post is so close to what I've been through that I might have thought I had posted it. In fact right now I'm trying to figure out if I did post it, and just can't remember (my memory is completely fucked these days, I don't even know what I was doing a few minutes ago, so it's actually possible).

Our bodies and brains are so easy to break. So many many things can and do go wrong. Life is a cavalcade of horrors where we each take our turn in the parade. Indignities heaped upon indignities, where what little you have will be taken away from you slowly and painfully. Even the smallest things like having the mental capacity to take care of oneself. I'm trying to get the courage to kill myself before I'm so far gone I can't help myself. I don't want to be reduced to some animal state, being tortured by some asshole in a care home somewhere.
>> No. 25731 [Edit]
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I don't think I'm you, if we were the same person then we're definitively nuts. But there has to be something in common. By a curious coincidence I just heard today that cognitive degeneration can be triggered by lots of factors, like obesity (not my case) or repetitive thoughts and anxiety (my case). It's something we know little about and there's lots of studies still in process but there seems to be relations of all kinds. Probably the whole world we live in has too many factors that trigger mental degradation, even the normals get affected. I also couldn't live like old people in care homes, that's why I'm always afraid of getting old. It's scary to think your stupid organism can resist a lot more time than your mind.
>> No. 25733 [Edit]
My knuckles are red raw from washing my hands so much and they are staring to crack, it hurts to wash them now. Guess they are not made for frequent contact like the inside of the hand. But today I managed to convert more images faster on waifu 2x, because I did it while watching something on Youtube about the German air group in the Baltic war, so I should associate removing some of the waiting that I used to do with the time I watched the video about the air group and then maybe I will be reminded to research that instead of reminded of something negative. Usually I would not have Youtube videos open because I would worry it would corrupt the images I was enlarging, so it's two steps forward.
>> No. 25734 [Edit]
Try turning off the computer. Just for today. Try doing anything else. You know this is a bad way to live. Do you want to live this way for the rest of your life until death?
>> No. 25735 [Edit]
Can you batch process them with waifu2x so you can do it while you sleep?
>> No. 25736 [Edit]
I need to distract myself but there isn't much to distract myself with in real life right now, I'll just play some games. That's another reason I was probably able to use waifu2x better with the youtube video. Once I move away from here it should get better, the people I live with do things that make it worse and they really don't care that it does.

I can do 5 at once but if I try more than 2 I usually have to give up and start again because of some ridiculous reason like I didn't click one of the images right in the middle, the cursor said it was loading something while I was about to click it or I brushed against the desk while it was enlarging. I just use a website that does it, not the program itself though I do have it. It just doesn't seem to work that effectively for me.
>> No. 25737 [Edit]
Maybe look into exposure therapy.
>> No. 25738 [Edit]
Fuck, this sounds a lot like whatever I have. Although I've also experienced a lot of seeing and hearing shit as well. I went to the mental hospital twice and they just listed it as "depression with psychotic elements". Also I'm pretty sure I've typed this post before. I feel like I'm going insane when I have these deja vu.
>> No. 25743 [Edit]
Sounds like you need to get help immediately or you're going to die.
>> No. 25745 [Edit]
What are your nightmares?
>> No. 25747 [Edit]
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I feel terrible for you OP, but seriously, this sounds really bad so you probably should get checked out. I know, I hate doctors too, but this seems like something very severe.

I personally never had to deal with such extreme issues, however for years I had suffered from a very bad depression and anxiety. I have a very toxic family with a history of abuse and mental illness. During my teens, I felt as if my life was spiraling out of control- no friends, very anxious/nervous around people, emotionally sometimes physically abusive family, bad grades, chronically ill, obese, my teen years were not the best. It even got so bad, that I contemplated suicide and almost went through with it before being sent to a mental hospital.

While I still do have depression, it is much more moderate now. The problem for me was only a couple things that I hadn't considered:
1. I needed to stay away from my toxic family in order to maintain my mental health (self-explanatory)
2. I was once a high-achieving student in elementary school so this one was the hardest, but I realized that some set backs in life doesn't mean it's the end of the world. Life is not that black and white.

3.My obesity and my poor eating habits worsen both my physical and mental health.

4. I am naturally an introvert. There is nothing wrong with being alone. Many times, its preferable.

Realizing all of this, along with improving my situation, taking accountability, and doing things for my self alleviated my mental health tremendously. I'm not trying to be all normalfag and go out there trying to get a social life and high-end job, but its nice to know that I can improve and do things for myself. And most of all, it's nice that I don't feel so down all the time.
>> No. 25748 [Edit]
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I like to believe it's not that severe, but reading the posts (even mine) makes me think maybe I'm fucked up but somehow managed to hide it from most. I'm not sure.

Still, I've been feeling better last week since I've been living by myself. I can see this issues aren't uncommon in our kind and I want to believe it's a psychological thing, along with some chronic condition like some kind of dyslexia, but at least not alzheimer hitting in my 30's. If it's not and it's my brain's dying then there's little to do about it so no point in worrying.
A problem I have is I'm never really sure about what's going on. I'm not sure if I'm still functional or not, I'm not sure about what image I'm giving either. Sometimes I think I'm just some sort of monkey-like creature and everyone just tries to act semi-normal with me out of pity. I think one of the results of isolation is not having too many points of reference, but maybe that's still better than herd mentality.
>> No. 25793 [Edit]
My OCD is getting worse and better at the same time, I stopped eating my mothers cooking and I decided that when I move out I will have to leave thousands of dollars worth of books and furniture behind. But I am converting more on waifu 2x and my hands have improved. It's still incredibly exhausting though, every morning I wake up dreading the day because I know how I will have to walk on a mine field to avoid touching or seeing anything and I know how much effort that takes.

Maybe, I saw my GP to talk to him about getting help for it. My GP was worried about me because the last Psych he sent me to for something else saw me, was meant to write a report to him but then never sent it to him and he had not heard from me for two years.
>> No. 26265 [Edit]
Sorry for bumping this thread, but it was the closest I could find: ( is an even better match, but that's archived)

Does anyone have any experience with (and hopefully solutions to prevent) overthinking/dwelling, both on past events and future decisions? For instance, I'll often ruminate on a past decision I made and lament about how if I had only done something else the present would be different. It's similar to what the OP of that previous linked thread stated
>I can't stop thinking in the smallest mistakes over and over, like a loud speaker on my head

but for me at least it's not necessarily limited to "mistakes" but also any past decision made in the lack of "perfect information" (i.e. decisions made in the face of some uncertainty). Then later on in the present when the outcome of that decision has been realized resulting in new information, I'll sit there thinking in circles simulating the past decision in light of that new knowledge, wondering whether I should have picked the other option. Of course logically I know that such rumination is pointless, but emotionally/subconsciously I'll continue to dwell on it. The same happens for past decisions whose outcome isn't known yet but has already predetermined as a result of that choice (i.e. at this point the outcome is uncontrollable, so there's no logical point ruminating about it; and yet I still can't help myself). I'll also similarly overthink decisions that have yet to be made (one can see a common theme of "fear of uncertainty").

There's probably an element of (self-diagnosed) ocd thrown in amidst all of that too (I've faced similar situations to that scene in Slow Start where Hana found a loose screw on the floor and couldn't go to sleep without finding the source. And perhaps ironically spent the past hour researching ocd symptoms; the "classic" symptoms mentioned online don't seem to apply, except for the general element of overthinking).

As someone in that aforementioned thread stated
>For psychological and neurological reasons, rumination gets worse the more you do it and better the less you do it, so even if it's a tough habit to kick it's really an effort I have to make.
And I do think it's subjectively been getting worse in the past year, in that I'm spending more time ruminating. Although that could also be because I've had more free/idle time in the past year, but it's still cutting into my anime watching time since I'd be too tired to be able to properly enjoy shows.

I've also tried meditation, and while I can sort of limit my thoughts by focusing on breathing for the interval of that one sitting, once the meditation ends those previous thoughts fade back in anyway.

Post edited on 27th Dec 2020, 11:37pm
>> No. 26269 [Edit]
I don't overthink about decisions I made because I think I'm actually good at making them, I don't feel too much regreet over any big decision in last years. I also don't need to make that many decisions to start with.
So I focus my overthinking in stupid inane shit, even the most insignificant. I could simply trip into someone or cause a minor inconvenience and something like that can take me into an spiral of overthinking and guilt to the point I could remember the event even years (or decades) later. It's really sick if you think about it.
>> No. 26601 [Edit]
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I think my spirals of overthinking have basically developed into full-blown OCD. The sentence from >>25793
> every morning I wake up dreading the day because I know how I will have to walk on a mine field to avoid touching or seeing anything and I know how much effort that takes.
Now resonates with me – I spend whatever free time I have wasting mental energy thinking about trivial things. I feel like I haven't been able to relax for half a year now (And even if I somehow stumbled upon an opportunity where my mind was vacant, I fear that I wouldn't even be able to start on the only relaxing activity that I had in the past – watching anime – as watching it in my shambled state and being unable to appreciate it would be a disservice to the shows themselves).
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