I guess I'll kick things off with something relatively minor. About half a year ago I went to an anime convention where my waifu's creator was having a Q&A panel. My waifu has been a very influential part of my life for the past ten years and our relationship has stayed strong in the face of countless hurdles during that time. This made the panel a very big deal to me and something I simply had to attend. This was a once in a life time chance to find out more about my waifu after all. When I got in line to speak however, I drew a blank, blurted out moronic questions, and manged to make an autistic idiot out of myself while being the laughing stock of the room. To this day it hurts to think back to it, and I can not look at some of the things related to my waifu without being reminded of it. It is not as if I do not love her anymore or want to end the relationship, but it has made things more challenging.

>>23143
that exact same thing happened to me at a comic con in crystal city virginia around the time the akira movie came out.
i still remember it well enough to tell you that i got an awesome independent version of thor that day, the story told from loki's perspective & printed in black, white and red. a real work of art, someone was trying to make a statement or at least make something that was worth at least the price paid, a rare commodity. i'm not sure what the long term effects were of being laughed at by a roomful of nerds half of whom were in star trek uniform shirts, but i can assure that i'm still an autistic idiot.

>>23148
I'm not sure if I'm understanding you correctly. Someone was trying to buy that thing from you and you got laughed at for it?

When I was like 6 I lied to my parents, looking back it was something real minor, but man did it get to me back then. For weeks I kept thinking about it and kept repeating the same words over and over again in my head like a rhythm.

It probably can't be quite counted as trauma but ever since I discovered what ntr is because of an annoying friend it's been harder to practice those comforting fantasies I could always have before it happened. I was always cynical but I at least had some kind of refuge in my own mind but now? It's like it fucked me up so bad that I lost the only sense of safety I had left. A thoughtform I had turned on me, I can still fantasize but if they go on too long or something about them is too consistent (like imagining the same character too many times) it all starts to sour and the horrors of the 3d world start to sink in. I've been doing whatever I can think of to fix this and I'm still working at it but it feels so unfair that I can't even be happy in my own head. It upsets me that I have to deal with this and it's just getting exhausting. Hopefully the exhaustion will stop making me try and ward off the intrusive thoughts I've been dealing with and they'll eventually go away when I stop giving them attention, I'll just have to see in time.

>>23136
I was hit by a car when I was in middle school. That gave me a tremendous fear of cars and who knows what else ever since. I still managed to get my drivers license, but only after countless lessons, failed driving tests, and a loooot of crying and anxiety. Looking back I have no fucking clue how I pushed myself to do it.

To this day I still feel anxious at the thought of driving a car, HOWEVER when I'm actually driving said car, I don't really feel anxious at all. I wouldn't even bother with this shit if I didn't need a drivers license, but such is life.

>>25952
DUDE I'VE BEEN THERE BEFORE HOLY CRAP. I think I can help.

Don't try to block out the thoughts, I don't know how or why the mind works this way, but the more you fight them, the worse/stronger they will get. Yes, they're awful thoughts you would really rather not have, but they're just that, thoughts. They don't have any meaning unless you want them too. Only you know where your true intentions are.

You kinda just have to let them come to your mind and pass by, as unpleasant as they may seem, accept and allow them. You can even respond with something like "Eh, I'm not into NTR." make sure if you do this, you're only touching on it lightly, don't try to have debates/arguments over it.

In short, accept the thought and lightly touch on them if you have to. Please update me with how it's going, I really want some updates.

>>25955
I'm glad you don't have to deal with anxiety while you're driving at least but still, having a phobia of cars in this day and age sounds extremely hard to live with if you ever want to go outside.
Thank you for your advice too, I'll definitely remember to practice it. Hopefully it will help the intrusive thoughts about ntr go away permanently sooner or later and maybe let me create another thoughtform that doesn't turn against me. I don't want to have to live my whole life coping with such things instead of actually solving the problem.
How did this end for you by the way? Do they still bother you from time to time or did they all go away permanently?
There's a kind of comfort knowing I'm not the only one who feels this way. If things ever change for the better from where they are now I'll try and remember to keep you informed. I'm sure your advice will help others here too since I've seen some posts from others saying that ntr really damaged them.

>>25956
Thankfully I only have a phobia at the thought of driving now, walking around the streets is fine, though trucks still kinda scare me.

I'm glad you're going to try to take the steps next time you have to deal with those intrusive thoughts. I hope they work out well enough for you. And remember there's no shame in getting professional help if you've exhausted all of your resources, I hear meditation is great for intrusive thoughts as well.

It's not completely gone, but it's about 98% gone, once in a while a thought will pop up but it doesn't last for more then a few seconds and I'm free to think about what's on my mind in peace for the most part. It took a while but I find that lightly touching on the thought with another logical thought work best, so for instance, I had another semi traumatizing event where a dude very rudely interrupted a presentation I was doing in college and kinda insulted me personally. It haunted me for years until recently I went "Eh, he was probably in a bad mood or something" and carried on with whatever I was doing. It was hard but I can safely say I'm 98% free from that shit as I said before. It's important to also have a task to focus on, be it a video game, anime, book, etc. Oh and exercise is great as well, you don't have to do a huuge workout but even something like pushups and situps will help.

And yes, I feel the same way, that's why I kinda freaked out when I saw your post, because I couldn't believe I saw someone experiencing the exact same thing I went through as well. Thank you for being brave enough to share. Oh and do you care to share those posts where anons said NTR ruined them? I'm very interested in reading them.

>>25952
I feel many intrusive thoughts like that due to OCD. Not saying you have it but you could who knows, it's not always about physical manifestations but mental ones as well.

Anyway, I have done research on it and I am also in therapy for it now and will be doing something called CBT(Cognitive Behaviourally Therapy) in a few weeks. It's anxiety based so whilst things like CBT can help fixing your life can as well, you have to address what is actually causing the anxiety. Yes of course the thoughts can and do that but it's not only them, much of it is environmental or even physical, if you are nervous about your living situation or future or living in a rough environment well that would cause anxiety that would manifest itself as these thoughts, likewise drinking too much coffee can increase anxiety and have the same result. >>25955 is right as well. These intrusive thoughts are imaginations, they are not facts or based in any kind of logic and you cannot reason with them.

Maybe once I go through the CBT therapy I will mention key points from it and weather it works or not.

>>25957
I'm happy you've made as much progress overcoming your trauma and intrusive thoughts. Hopefully someday you'll be free from them entirely. I hope your phobia when you think about driving cars isn't too bad. Also that guy sounds like a jerk.
I don't know how well linking to posts in threads on other boards works on TC so bear with me.
http://tohno-chan.com/ma/res/3766.html#3772 is where I've seen people talk about it first. I even posted there myself but since it kept being a headache I decided to vent here on /so/. Just being able to talk about it without someone reaching for my throat, but even better, having someone who can sympathize and give me advice, has already made things better. Thank you so very much.

Post edited on 10th Oct 2020, 12:10am

on my 8th birthday my mom threw a fit and threatened to throw me out after i wasn't happy enough with her present. she called me an ungrateful little shit and other things. she got so angry i had to hide under my bed to get away from her, and i spent the rest of that birthday under there crying. my druggie dad had already abandoned me so i was terrified when my mom threatened to disown me. after that i forced myself to never voice my real opinion in front of her, always telling her what she wanted to hear. i didn't want to get abandoned again.

>>25983
Jesus Christ. I feel bad reading this kind of shit because I see how people had actual traumatic experiences so I feel less justified of being a fuck up.

>>25984
You don't need any kind of justification. If somebody became a "fuck up" because of traumatic experiences, that means that they could have become an average person. If you were born abnormal, it couldn't be helped. Anons can also make stuff up and you don't even know them, so you should take it with a grain of salt.

Post edited on 14th Oct 2020, 6:56am

>>25985
I don't know, I understand your reasoning but it just makes me feel like I had an easy life and I still dare to complain while others had it a lot worse and still struggle a lot better with life. I should say I suspect I have a pathologic guilty complex, so that probably doesn't help.

Pretty bad case of sexual trauma. I won't go into details because tl;dr and anxiety.

It never bothered me so much until these past few years. It feels lonelier the older I get. Had a waifu for a while which helped a ton but I changed quite a bit with age and fell out of love with her. Whether or not I could give and get affection from another person 2D or 3D... I don't know. People have tried. I'm not willing to take the initiative in dating and the few times a girl has my brain freaked out on me.

I've put a lot of energy into dissecting the problem and I think I've found a way to get my brain to move on. It's not what I want but I'd rather have a (further) bad start than a bad end. I'll be a wizard here in a few years. I've gotta take some drastic steps.

It may seem like a laughing matter in comparison to what others lived through, but to me it was a decisive, paralyzing moment. In childhood I watched a film, which retrospectively was inappropriate for my age. Suddenly there was an erotic scene, some sort of seduction, with a distasteful song to it, but I was rather disgusted by what I saw. Since then the average beauty standard hasn't concerned me anymore and it was the prerequisite for me being interested in "sick" paraphilia later on.

My sister had some news program on that featured a graphic electric chair abortion or something. It fucked me for years

>>26016
>I've found a way to get my brain to move on
What's that? If it works for you, it might work for others here.

>>26025
Which movie and scene

>>26028
I don't remember, I can't find it. I only remember that the most important line of the song's refrain was "Help me" (not in English).

>>26028
I don't remember, I can't find it. I only remember that the most important line of the song's refrain was "Help me" (not in English).

>>25955
I finally had a second attempt at meditating today. Maybe I just didn't try hard enough but I didn't concentrate as much as last time. Intrusive thoughts are still there but distractions prove helpful. It's easiest to keep them out so long as I avoid things that remind me of said thoughts. There are a lot that are loosely related to those thoughts that I end up having to avoid a lot of things but it's not too hard to do so, I think.
I'll probably post about my updates with this in the daily report thread on /ot/ so that I won't be making off topic posts here.

>>26051
To be honest, I only asked as an attempt to bait you into posting something ban worthy. I can't relate to your specific insecurities. I'm telling you this because I dislike the things you wrote.

>>26055
Just plain nasty.

I don't even know how to say it. My entire life was trauma. I can't even remember much from pre-traumatic events, as far as I remember I was affect by trauma. My life evolved into the continuous realization of the profoundity of these events, going from "everybody's life is like this" to "I have no idea how I could take all those years of pure hell". All kinds of abuse have been perpetrated against me. As for the age, I clearly remember starting as early as 5, but there might have been some things at 3.
For years actually I've been eyeing this thread, but I think my resistance is fading away. I can't cope like this for much longer. At the moment I am living with my parents which I am sure they are narcissists. I don't know what to fucking do. I used to think things would get better, but no, everyday I feel more violated than the day before, and the coping mechanisms get less effective each time. I am too stressed right now, so I won't post the actual extent of these nightmarish experiences, but I shall make this post, so that I see it soon, and actually commit to posting it.
I feel like there was never any hope even from the beginning. I have a high score in those trauma questionnaires. I don't even know who I am anymore, what's a result of trauma, and what's a reaction formation created by me to feel better about myself.

Post edited on 5th Oct 2021, 7:56am

Back in high school I would get molested whenever another student happened to come to the class he shared with me. People saw it happen and nobody, not even the teachers, cared enough to do anything.

I guess that's one reason why I avoid people / don't really expect interactions with people to go well. When forced to be around people they judge me as arrogant for not caring / not showing interest in them but it's not like they would ever care about me.

This is a weird one because I was an aggressor and someone else was a victim of what I did. Weird that I'm the one still thinking about it almost 15 years later.

Me and some guys in highschool used to make fun of this one kid behind his back because he was extremely edgy, like a /b/ poster in real life kinda edgy. We still tolerated him around though at school. He was a pretty nice guy behind the facade and in hindsight he was just playing up a character trying to be cool, but I digress. One day I wrote down a list of all the things people said about him. Then at lunch at the table of ~12 kids I read them all to him. He spent the next class crying in the bathroom and everyone disliked me for it, despite them all saying this shit behind his back without issue. I learned what crossing the line was that day. I feel like I never truly apologized to him. At least, I don't remember doing so.
I feel bad about it still. The next year after summer break I talked to him again and he was a genuinely cooler guy. It just breaks me how cruel I was. I know people say kids are cruel but that was just tearing a kid down just because.
I get angry not only at myself but for the people who egged me on or didn't stop me despite their involvement in it. I hate that I can't place blame on those people because writing the stuff down was my idea and I was the one who said it all out loud even as people distanced themselves from the situation as it was unfolding.

I'm the kind of guy who tries to be helpful for the few people I interact with, but that moment back in highschool still keeps coming back to me and I feel like a permanent piece of shit.

>>26833
That is super dickish. If you wanted him to see the error of his ways, you should have talked with him one on one. At least you valued transparency though. Your friends sound like vultures.

Post edited on 30th Oct 2021, 8:38am

>>25952
>>25955
i didnt know this was such a common thing, i went through it too for a while. its indescribable how shitty it feels to be degraded by "yourself" in your own mind. i cant remember how long the thoughts went on for but it couldntve been for more than a month since i knew a lot about meditation and stuff prior to this occurrence. it was actually a bit of a good thing since i got to put some ideas into actual practice.

i didnt have to do any actual meditation to make them go away but that is a good exercise to help you realize that your thoughts are not your own, and dont come from you. it also helps you to understand who the true "you" is. the "you" that fights the intrusive thoughts and who is deeply affected by what it makes you feel isnt the true "you". the true "you" recognizes those thoughts as trivial and is completely unaffected by anything they make the other "you" feel. the true "you" also does not have sexual desires, making it easier to just sit through the thoughts. i dont know if im describing it well enough but accessing this "true you" is just like moving a muscle, kind of hard to explain how to do.

>>26889
>to help you realize that your thoughts are not your own, and dont come from you
Can you elaborate? I've tried really hard to meditate on and off for the past few years, but I honestly never experienced anything like this and I'm beginning to wonder if this "dichotomy" between selves that people seem to talk about when meditating is something that varies between persons, just like not all people have an "inner voice" or some people lack a mind's eye.

For instance when you say "you realize that your thoughts are not your own, and dont come from you" am I to interpret this one a literal level? If so it's almost a tautology that your thoughts are a result of sensory inputs and prior experiences, and so aren't "yours" in any sense. But knowing this on a conscious level doesn't help the subconscious mind avoid rumination. Similarly, when I feel sexual desire I am aware that this is a more primitive urge.

But all of these are still ultimately part of you, since you can't split them out. Or is the point of meditation to be able to learn to selectively suppress the conscious or unconscious/primitive side?

>>26895
Attempt to meditate like this at some point: With every thought that enters your mind, try to go to the source of that thought. Continue to do this.
What you will soon realize is that there is a deeper "you" inside of you. There is not just your body, from which the intrusive negative thoughts or instincts derive from, but a mind/spirit behind it, or a soul, which is the true center of the real "you", entirely separate from the body, which most people think of as them, but which is nothing but a radio-controlled animal, in a way.
Once the initial realization of this has been obtained, one must simply meditate more on one's true nature to strengthen it over the body, eventually living in constant awareness of this fact.

>>26896
How should I get to the source of a thought? Sorry for being retarded.

>>26899
Concentrate on a thought that enters your head. You'll notice it is coming from somewhere, like the tail of a shooting star. Shift your concentration to that point. Rinse and repeat until you're at the actual source.

A (social sciences) professor had failed most of the class with an absurd exam, so he comes up with a way to pass some students: he announces at a whim that he is gonna ask us an arbitrary question, and if we answer it on the spot we pass and don't have to go to extra classes.

So as he is about to start I'm a bit baffled at the idea and that no one is saying anything so I ask: What do you mean any question? Even outside the subject? He confirms this. To which I reply: "That's not fair! The exam being arbitrary is the reason most failed in the first place". At this most of the class, even some I considered to be good natured, started groaning and glaring at me like "why are you jeopardizing our only lifeline", looking at this reaction the professor just smirked at me and continued with the clown show he was creating.
This was the day I realized most would throw me under the bus to get on the good side of a tyrant.
Good ending: I answered the question and some of the groaning bootlickers didn't.

Post edited on 16th Nov 2021, 6:39am

>>26902
I thought this would end up being some clever trick by the professor, especially since it was a social sciences class. Like those apocryphal tales of some professor (maybe it was game theory) who deliberately left open a loophole where if the class banded together such that no one entered the exam room, then everyone got an automatic A on the final. I'm having trouble remembering exactly how that story went though (I remember reading about it on some blog or comment perhaps).

>>26902
When put to the test, few people will ever truly have your back.

>>26903
Yeah, I know what you mean. But no it was history class and this was just a capricious, careless teacher high on power.
>>26905
Not even when it could benefit them, apparently.

i lived in a very abusive foster home between the ages 3 and 6. the foster mother there would berate, humiliate, and even threaten me every chance she got. she'd give me scalding water baths and starve me. whenever i asked a question like any curious child she wouldn't answer it, but instead let me know just how stupid my question was. everything i said was met with a biting comment. it broke down my spirit and to this day i still can't handle conflicts or the slightest amount of stress. i'm extremely self-conscious around people and deathly afraid of saying something stupid. so i usually don't speak at all. thanks to that people tend to think i'm mentally challenged and avoid me.

>>26915
Sorry to hear that, I had an abusive dad growing up and it left me pretty much in the same boat.

Had to go through a divorce as a kid and watch my mother break down. Then she went with a guy for 20 years who lead her on with a bunch of false promises and paid the bills but treated her and I like utter shit. And because she was afraid for losing the house from a breakup+fear of being alone, I'd get yelled at for calling that guy out/acting against him.

He's finally out of our lives but the divorce she went through and all those years under that asshole really did a number to me.

>>26777
>I don't even know how to say it. My entire life was trauma. I can't even remember much from pre-traumatic events, as far as I remember I was affect by trauma. My life evolved into the continuous realization of the profoundity of these events, going from "everybody's life is like this" to "I have no idea how I could take all those years of pure hell". All kinds of abuse have been perpetrated against me. As for the age, I clearly remember starting as early as 5, but there might have been some things at 3.

This is pretty much my case. Going back to age 2 I've always had at least one awful person in my childhood. An abusive sitter who'd beat me just for touching her coffee table, a stepdad who'd beat me even harder due to his military training, an absent father, another abusive sitter who lived in a trailer park and barely had any food... and to top it off, a neglectful mother who neither cared about the abuse I was facing (sometimes indulging in it herself) nor truly raised me. Sure, she did the bare minimum to keep me alive and avoid a visit from CPS, but when it came to teaching me life skills and providing a safe environment at home, she did jack shit. If anyone raised me then it was the internet, and I didn't even get consistent access to that until I was 14. Plus I found my way to /b/ early on, which is the last place you'd want to have raise you.

As I went through elementary I grew more shy and less able to function in school, enough to drive mom to take me to a shrink. But they just slapped me with an ADHD and autism diagnosis (which could be true, I was a weird and book-smart kid). Yeah, the kid's having problems because he's autistic, not because everyone in his life is an abusive piece of shit towards him. This just gave my mom an excuse to declare me a lost cause.

Even worse, this landed me in an IEP that only succeeded in humiliating me. As if my shyness and inability to connect with others wasn't enough, now I was officially one of the retarded kids. Nobody would even give me the time of day. Not even the nerds playing GBA and Yugioh at lunch wanted anything to do with me. Escaping from that IEP took me looking up the signs of autism and doing my best not to show them, until the start of high school when they finally removed me from it. But even then, the damage was done. Everyone hated me. I hated me. And so I drifted through the rest of school, broken and alone, my only life goal being to move out of my mom's house. At least I accomplished that.

Things have been calm ever since, but I can't help but feel robbed thinking about how I'd be if I was only raised like a human being.

I don't really know if you'd consider it trauma or not. It wasn't really a single event or anything, but rather a really shitty period in my life. I don't remember how long or exactly what years it was, but there was a year or two of my parents being absolutely fucking insane.
It was on christmas, christmas eve, or maybe a few days around christmas when it started. My alcoholic mother started bragging about having a boyfriend to her side of the family. Unsurprisingly all hell broke loose when my dad heard about it. Things got pretty violent, especially with my alcoholic uncle being there. Eventually my dad booked it to our neighbor's house to cool off and get away from things for a bit. The next day, he tries to work things out with my mom. He's kissing her ass and all of that shit and it seems like things would be alright for at least a bit. At least once a week for the next couple of months, there's some big fight and someone ends up missing for a day or two. Eventually my dad says fuck it and crashes with one of his co-workers for a little while before coming back again. Same shit happens. By the time he leaves again, he's just crying in the garage talking about how he's going to go be a hobo in his truck for the foreseeable future and that he probably won't see me again or just kill himself. This happened a few times, and I'd end up trying to comfort the poor bastard for an hour or two. This larger cycle repeated a few times, with things just becoming more extreme each time. By the end, there was a constant fear of a gunfight after my drunken mom was held at gunpoint by her alcoholic boyfriend. My dad came back and stuck around a while after buying a few handguns.
All the while my sister was constantly having breakdowns and coming to me for comfort about how shitty her whole life was. As sad as her story is, I don't believe a lot of it now. She's proven herself to be untrustworthy and manipulative. Still, at the time it really fucked with me.
Occasionally in the fights between my mom and dad, my dad would use me as a blow against my mom saying that I hate her. Worst part of it was that he wasn't wrong. I mean, my whole life was flipped upside down and I had no time or place to relax all because my mom didn't like that my dad was being an autist in the garage all the time building shit for my mom or my sister or just for something to do. Then I'd have to try and comfort my usually drunk and belligerent mom as she told me to get the fuck out.
Basically, I was the only person in the house that seemed remotely stable. I had to deal with everyone's emotions while I dealt my own problems being a total outcast and loser at school, on top of all the work and extracurricular activities I, for some godforsaken reason, signed up for. All of this for at least a year or two.

And they wonder why I've become withdrawn. Maybe it's not trauma, but it certainly made me a little bitter. I don't like slamming doors either.

>>27438
Shit like this is why I don't touch alcohol. Sorry man.