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No. 22688
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I pussied out and am still here. I guess I learned the lesson, don't make suicide posts if you don't want to feel embarrassed for it. I wish upon death you can be given the chance to start over. I wish you can choose the date you're born, the place you're born, your height, your skin, eye and hair colour, your house or apartment, your family, your wealth, perks like health, intelligence and charisma, and then start your new life. I think such thing ever existing is the only chance I have of being happy. I didnt ask to be born like this. And I'll never be happy in this life. The only way out is suicide, the only way I could ever get to what I was talking about in the beggining would be diying. I have nothing to live for. Even when you take into account any interests and hopes. It's terrible to know that this is the only life I have. Please please please why can't there be a benevolent God who fullfills my wishes? I just want to be reborn and start it from ideal conditions. I'm a terrible person and I was given a fucked up life. I don't want to keep living like this. I want a second chance. My life is wasted and there's no way of me ever achieving any of my life dreams and hopes or anything else, not even by far. Please let there be a God that is listening to what I'm saying and will give me what I'm asking for. I don't know what I'll do with my life. I can see myself trying to make it more bearable for the next months or even years and then failing, I can see myself keep living only on very basic needs like just food, water, a bed to sleep and a toilet to use, I can see myself suiciding in any possible day. I'm tired of being like this, I don't want to live, I don't know what the hell to do. There's nothing I can do and things will never get any better. To me the only pleasure I still have in life is typing these texts for some reason. At least they give me something to do. The only chance I have of ever being happy is getting everything I want spoonfed. I don't want to have liver problems anymore, I don't want to be a third worlder anymore, I don't want to live with this single mother who hates every cubic inch of my existence anymore, please if there's a God listening to this please help me. Its funny, I have almost accepted there's really no chance of this dream ever happening. Ill just die and disappear. There's no God who cares about a creature like me. Even devout Christians, when confronted with the question, if God exists then why do some people suffer so much, they answer it's not that God doesn't exist, it's just that God is not there. I don't want to suffer anymore. Why did they create us if they don't care. Why cause suffering for no reason, is the just entertainment? Do they even know? Call me a lunatic but when I look at religious texts, when I look at DNA and the history of life on Earth, and when I look at the Universe, I can't help but co conclude what we call God is some alien civilization who put life on Earth on an effort to build some kind of colony or base, we're like probes they sent into space, got here and spread because the Earth is suitable. I guess in that sense much of life on Earth, if not all, was programmed to exist since the first DNA, we're here to make a base or whatever for this God. The Bible says there's actually no Heaven or Hell, we just die. I don't know where I'm going with this. I suppose it's just a natural instinct to go completely mad when you have been tortured for all your life. I don't want this anymore. I want to be reborn in a different life and keep my memories and everything. I don't think there's anyone reading this but do you know how I wish my life was? I don't know either. I try to think three possibilities. First and easier as some nice looking girl with skills like cooking, knitting, painting and so on. I'd marry a friend of mine and dedicate the rest of my life to his happiness. Second is perhaps the one I want the most. Learning a lot of stuff like Japanese, CS and coding, and moving to Japan early on my life, around the 2000s, and enjoy the easy life there for the rest of my life, hopefully I'd win in the lottery in this life, but I could get rich out of bitcoins as well. Third one is way more autistic so i won't tell it. If there is someone almighty reading this, please please grant me a wish. I don't want to die forever and I can't stay alive either, I have been suicidal since I was 12 at least, I think that was the first time I did it. Please help me. Nobody should be subject to this much agony. Give me a second chance God. I know much of the problem is myself, I know I'm mentally impaired, I know I'm terrible, bad, sinful in nature, but that's also much of the reason I want to be reborn. Please God. There must be something else to this. Even if there is I probably won't get to see it. And asking there must be something else to this in despair is only a natural emotional reaction, something predictable on this context, it doesn't mean there must be something else. I don't want to be like this. Please somebody help me. I don't want to just die. And I don't want to live this life either. What is going to happen in the next instant of my life? One day from now? One week from now? Let alone a month or a year. I can't stand this anymore. Maybe I should just stay alive with the hope future technologies will let me be reborn in my ideal life? But if I try to enjoy this life, even if I fail, wouldn't that disqualify me from being reborn, since I decided to stick with this life instead of a new one? I know this entire post is insane, is schizophrenic, is psychosis, is disgusting to read, I know I'm shitting up such a great community such as tohno chan merely by existing, I know and I agree, isn't that all more reason to kill myself? I'm afraid to do die, I'm afraid to do anything, I'm in despair, I am completely powerless, I feel like I was hit in the head, thrown into a boat, and woke up in the middle of the ocean. There's this unending storm, there's extremely strong winds, gusts, heavy rain and hail, thunder, lighting, waves, I don't know where I am, my boat is completely broken, it's small, I try to move it's steering wheel but it doesn't work, I can't go anywhere, the storm never fades, I don't want to live in poverty anymore, I don't want to be a terrible person anymore, I just want my little things. I don't want to be famous I don't want a friend or a 3DPD I don't want power I am just asking to have at least average life by say American standards. I would like to be reborn in Pittsburgh I tell you. On Mount Washington or South Slopes. In a big house. Born to a stable loving family. Single child. They're above average on income and don't hesitate to give me the things I ask for when they can afford. I'd be reborn on 1985. I like the number 10/10 so that's my birthday. I'd have a strong health, I'd be that kind of person who can eat like a pig and still don't get any fat. By the age of 10 I'd regain consciousness, and all my memories from this life. At that age I'd start watching anime, reading manga, ask my parents to go to Comikets, bronswe 90s internet, and heavily study programming and Japanese. I'd get into CMU Computer Science and get a exchange program in Japan. Having graduated I'd work in Pittsburgh for some years and move to Japan working there. I'd get rich out of Bitcoin and other stuff. And live happily ever after. Maybe what if you make it so my parents move to Japan before I'm 10, and they're already rich and live in a mansion by then. The would be even better but I'll take the first option. Please let me live like that. Come on, there must be some God reading this. Doesnt Quantum Physics say there must be an universal observer to everything? If time travel is possible a future civilization that visits Earth could find this text, reassemble my brain after I die, build a custom human body, put the brain in it, create some two robots that would work as my parents, and throw me back to time. Wouldn't that work? How about the computer simulation theory? Whoever is running this, can you please grant me this wish? Please please let this come true. I'm begging you. I can't live like this, everything is depression, I don't know what I am supposed to do, I have no future, relying on these possibilities are my only chance. Why do things have to be like this. It's a shame life has no meaning, it's a shame all this suffering is in vain, it's a shame that when we die we just disappear. What the fuck am I supposed to do. I'm in unending despair. Please please let there be a God that is listening to me. Life itself is so meaningless and sad to it's very fabric. Things are just the way they are. This is all terrible. All of this will one day just fade away. All these feelings, thoughts, ideals, it's all illusion, it's all evil. When I ask there must be something more and why is things this way I'm just acting according to my biological programming. All of this is just extreme despair that happens in vain because our existence is meaningless and an illusion. I hope I'm mistaken but just by saying that I'm proving myself. I feel like I'm inside an experiment room with no air. I'm hitting the wall, punching it, asking for help because I'm in suffocating asfixia even though deep inside I know nobody will come to save me from this agony, suffering, despair. I guess I'll end this here. I can't imagine someone having read this though I like when strangers tell me comforting things. I'm scared to die, I don't know what to do with my life. Will a God please grant my wish or am I destined to always experience extreme misery and die meaninglessly? Posting this image because of OP.
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