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No. 22845
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I just don't understand a thing anymore. Absolutely nothing makes sense. I don't even think I exist. I now think I don't exist at all. I dunno what is the appropriate term to describe this, but I think it's something like "bad trip". I never did drugs but from lurking am familiar with the idea. My life is a really, really, really, bad trip. Today between 2PM and 9PM local time I just cried and screamed like an animal for no apparent reason in what can only be described as mental insanity. I recognize I am a subhuman, cancer, an animal, something terribly disgusting, a parasite. I feel extreme disgust just looking myself in the mirror. Today during this interval of time I just closed my eyes and started playing rock music on headphones ad loud as I could to the point it started physically hurting my ear drums just to try to escape from this reality, it is complete paranoia, I didn't want to see anything, I just shut my eyes and started playing random very loud music with headphones. Right now the slightest of noises are extremely disturbing, not because of what happened today it has been getting worse and worse long ago. When I hear cars outside or a neighbor doing something or just birds, it is extremely irritating and I start punching myself in the head. I really wish I could describe how much hatred I have for myself. English is not my first language, so I stopped thinking and writing in my native language completely because I am disgusted at it too, I feel reminded of the subhuman I am when I think in said language. The amount of disgust and insanity is just unthinkable. I'm a fucking wild animal. I'm not exaggerating or being unfair with myself, I'm genuinely convinced I'm the epitome of everything bad a human could ever be. I'm like a filter of bad things. Everything I get involved with becomes worse. It's fantastic that I can fuck up everything I make contact with. I just want out of this ride.
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