> this idea that identity and selfhood are something intrinsic.
I feel identity only exists in the context defined by a society. If you are unto yourself, then there's no need for an "identity", defined "hobbies", or whatever other categories/label people want to classify things under these days. All you have are just things you like and things you do.

So it really seems the crux of what you describe is just not having anything to like? There's nothing inherently wrong with what you mentioned of just "playing grindy mmos" if that's satisfying enough for you. Ultimately all hobbies and interests are just distractions to pass time until death.

>>29119
>distractions to pass time until death
Distractions from what?

>>29120
From the tedium of life, in a pessimistic sense. I.e. humans are not satisfied to just sit in a room and do absolutely nothing, _something_ must always occupy their minds.

>>29121
I don't think being alive is tedious in itself. There are boring obligations, but those aren't somehow more significant than a person's interests. If the purpose of hobbies is to "distract" from doing nothing at all, I don't see how that diminishes them.

Thankfully, I don't have an identity and don't bother to acquire one. It has been a tough choice, but having an identity makes you tied to certain ideas, behavioral patterns etc. Having an identity makes you vulnerable through things which define it. I'll give you an example. When I was trying to fit in imageboards, I would shape my identity after the imageboards I frequented. When I figured out I'm not wanted, it was pain, a lot of pain. Now that I have no identity I don't give shit. I just do whatever and nothing troubles me except random fits of emotional suffering. Well these fits are really bad, but I treat them as headaches. That is, try my best to not give shit as well. You don't need identity. It's a nuisance.

>>29119
>If you are unto yourself, then there's no need for an "identity"
I don't like ambiguity and I feel a need to create a story for myself. "A story for yourself" is also kind of like astrology or tarot cards. Once you're skilled in the act you can fabricate any whimsical tale you fancy. I'm not sure the tale I'm spinning is correct but I want it to be.
>All you have are just things you like and things you do.
We might be in agreement. In certain ways I do enjoy the Sisyphean task of finding myself even if I know my brain will never truly come to a satisfying answer. Supposedly this is a form of ocd (existential) but I'm not sure I want to be rid of it. SSRI's are supposed to help with that and I did them for a while. They did make me less anxious but I wasn't more outgoing, I couldn't get off and they kept me from thinking much at all. In the end I decided I'd deal with the anxiety and overthinking so I didn't feel like a zombie.

>>29128
>When I was trying to fit in imageboards, I would shape my identity after the imageboards I frequented. When I figured out I'm not wanted, it was pain, a lot of pain.
See, that's part of it. I've went through enough shifts in personal image to realize how heavily content I'm consuming colors me. Through most of it I've never interacted in any significant way with other people because I'm very sensitive. Had I interacted with more people I think collectively we'd have constructed a selfhood I could accept as "my own". Instead at a certain point I just threw in the towel with life and embraced a sort of voyeurism. I viewed myself as a problem, a puzzle I had to solve. It's difficult to articulate without tl;dr but I'm really beginnning to wonder how much of that puzzle solving I did for other people. How many of my different masks were put on for others, if I'm trying to put on a mask for some other person now or if I'm starting to have some legitimate midlife crisis.

It probably has a lot to do with how I grew up. I was never allowed any real agency and just felt myself shuffled around from place to place. Other kids hated me for being weird. My parents were overzealous christians at the time so I had no safe place to grow into a person. From there it was just attempt after attempt to live up to some imagined expectation. More than anything I've came to realize the extent that I betrayed myself. It's not like I can simply return to how things were before. Culture has moved on and I'm a full fledged adult.

Thinking about things like this really get me longing for some dominant force who'd come along and boss me around for my own good. I wonder what Dr. Freud would say.

>Now that I have no identity I don't give shit.
I tried that as a way to get by for a while and it made me miserable. Staring at the wall for hours blanking out, feeling like a psycho. I much prefer whatever's going on with me right now.

>>29142
>I tried that as a way to get by for a while and it made me miserable. Staring at the wall for hours blanking out, feeling like a psycho.
Have you tried committing yourself to a hobby? I think that would be more fulfilling than navel gazing.

Having no identity does not imply navel gazing. And I can't say it makes you any more miserable than pretending to belong where you don't. Having no identity means making no assumptions about the proper way to maintain your self. It takes time to get used to, because you must have no home anywhere on internet, you must have no certain position about any social topic, you must not impose any personal traits on yourself, etc. The only thing I'm concerned with is acquiring happiness, but I don't see how it's part of my identity. I just kind of follow the happiness manual to see what becomes of it. Can't properly explain it. Removing identity is more about your perception of yourself than any particular step. If you feel like belonging anywhere, go ahead. But I am now convinced that I barely belong to the world as a whole, so I'm not seeking commitments down here, to me it's equivalent to begging for more misery.

>I am now convinced that I barely belong to the world as a whole
I'm begrudgingly reaching the same conclusion. it doesn't imply navel gazing but I'm not ready to become a figurative monk or giving up on people. The advice that stuck with me is to do my best at whatever it is in front of me and be hopeful that something will come out of that, even if I'm alone it makes me happy immersing myself into a hobby or a project. Being hurt and hurting others is part of socializing.
In the past, people have been interested in me whenever I'm focusing on myself and not caring for others. I assume they don't want someone like me to be so talkative or social, it's repelling for them. I have to adjust my personality and my identity to an extent according to others' perception of me. If I'm being honest, it bothers me that OP only realized this after 30 when I was forced to deal with identity issues earlier. It hurts but I try not to be resentful.

It also hurt realizing there were requirements to make friends on the internet, including imageboards, it really did. It still does. Role models people had as kids help most form their identity; That's the dominant force for them but for me, I don't know. I'm currently carving my own path after years of trying to find people I could look up to, both in real life and in fiction but there are not many of them I can relate to given how my life is, I'm afraid. The only one I can trust is myself and the story I'm creating for me too.

I used to have an "identity" but now I don't. The "self" I once had has vanished into oblivion. The more I think about it, the more distant and far away it gets. At the moment, I have no identity nor ego. I think this manages to be offputting to a lot of people because so many times people act out of identity/ego preservation. They act in certain ways towards me, intending to harm/wound my ego/identity, and when they are met with indifference, it's like a glitch in the matrix. See, I even watch people try to project their ways of operation onto me. "Winning" or "losing" doesn't matter to me. There are times where I've gotten into an internet argument, and the opposing party accused me of trying too hard to "win" an argument for brownie points. Yet I cared about neither of those things. I merely sought to confirm objective reality. I had no interest in convincing the other party. In fact, I hoped to learn quite a bit from the other party, and that our discussion was a mutual collaboration although a clashing one. But, the thought is silly and naive, the idea of having a good-faith argument online.

A friendly reminder that real life arguments are pretty much the same. I've no clue how it's supposed to work, but I figured most people get in arguments for the sake of the argument itself. They want a fight, and of course they (consciously or not) want to win. That's why they get aggressive and accusing when they feel like they're losing. They never intended to draw any conclusions, or to come to terms, or in general they never intended anything except a verbal fight they were supposed to win somehow. I guess it's some deep primal desire, the one that makes people butcher each other in absence of law.

I definitely try to be someone else depending on who I am talking to. Even here as an anon I try to hide things or come off a certain way to avoid rejection. So I suppose I'm always a bit of a mirror.

Not really, but more just that the world is moving past me and I'm out of my time period. Now I'll just exist until I die because the present isn't my time.