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28762 No. 28762 [Edit]
I can't be with people if I don't know that I'm wanted unconditionally. Being around them is like being stuck in a lion den waiting for them to attack me but never knowing when it'll happen.

I've had mutism since I was a toddler because expressing myself, liking things, or speaking too much was punished by physical assault or harassment. When I would try to play with my parents they would ignore me or snap at me suddenly and randomly. I can't present any part of myself to another person, and I can't dissimulate because I have no idea what other people even want from me. I'm afraid to push boundaries by saying anything in response to them, but saying nothing is also wrong.

When they're nice to me I assume they're lying. When they're cruel it seems like they're being honest. Their love has always been fake, their hate is real, and I can't tell when I'm going to become a target of it. I know I scare people by being a nervous, creepy wreck and that's part of the reason they don't like me but it's this way with everyone I've come across. I can only assume there's something wrong with me written on my face because they don't do it that intensely with each other, and so I have a fear of being seen and leaving the house now.

I just want to feel the love of another human being. Please help me.
>> No. 28763 [Edit]
I'm sorry that happened to you. I developed mutism after being shunned during adolescence, it took me a while to pick up on social clues and learning how to dissimulate again. I downloaded and read a lot of books (for free, I only skimmed some of them) trying to find answers to my problems. Not sure how much this advice will help you:
-It's better for people to tell you to tone down your voice than the opposite.
-Take care of your posture, clothes, haircut, hygiene and ¨the way you carry yourself¨
-Record yourself and do voice training, I developed a lisp around that time but it is treatable and there are tutorials online on how to fix these issues or make your voice deeper.
-You might have a resting bitch face (hate this term so much) that may scare people, there are also guides on how to look more ¨cheerful¨. This is common for autistic people too. Mewing isn't a meme either, it can help even if you're older.
-Try lifting and not being fat for obvious reasons. You can buy a pair of dumbbells or do basic calisthenics at home. This can also help you have something you can be proud of and not feel so insecure among others.
-Socializing is complicated and I can't help much. What I do is try not to not be self conscious or apologetic when I don't have to and pick up on subtle social cues and microexpressions on people's faces. I'm not autistic but I believe everyone can learn how to do that.

Their ¨love¨ and compassion isn't fake, it's pity. No matter who you are, being pitied when you didn't ask for it isn't a good feeling, it makes me feel like a dog and they don't like you the moment they are able to see you as a human with flaws who isn't innocent. My advice is superficial because I got shunned for superficial reasons, puberty came late for me and it made others not want to get to know me. I don't like people I can't talk to. ummm... I dunno I'm far from perfect, not sure if I should be giving advice to be honest.
>> No. 28772 [Edit]
I've also had the mutism spell casted on me.
Too many bad social experiences conditions you to avoid socializing, to lessen the pain in a way.

I don't like leaving the house much, but i'll try to aim for a 30 min walk daily to stay sharp.

I can't help you much, as I too need assistance.
Ganbare !

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