>>27897
I'd say the second if you desire having friends in the first place, otherwise the first.

>>27897
It seems to me like they're both routes to the same place, though I wouldn't quite know.

In my early life I was alone; I was mostly just numb, sometimes I'd cry myself to sleep, but I still had an ember of hope keeping me going. Had that continued, nagging hope would have faded to cold, crushing despair. Not just the 'sucking hole in the gut' feeling I'd been having, but like there's an anvil sitting on my chest, like my heart wants to stop beating.
Judge for yourself if that's any better or worse than your situation. Had things continued that way I probably would have killed myself after losing faith in college.

The people I grew attached to weren't taken from me, the relationships collapsed under their own weight, so I don't know what that's like. But I no longer wish for death because I don't blame myself for what happened. And I no longer feel that despair because I don't hate myself anymore. At least, I'm trying not to.
Maybe at least be a friend to yourself.

>>27897
All my life i was like someone on the outside looking in, I never had a really close friend but I saw it in others. I can't deny that I've been pretty lonely before, but by now it's more just a weird regret of spending my teenage years in my room, alone. I don't really have many strong memories of my life from after I was around 14, because I just stopped trying. Just year after year of doing nothing again and again. I'm not sure that relationships would solve my problems anymore, but I do think it made an impact on me and my development. Or it could just be that those with aspergers are doomed to live the life of an eternal observer, never even feeling present in their own lives until they die wondering what being alive would have felt like.

>>27900
I felt joy once, for a split second.
It's a bit haunting understanding how probably this was how you're supposed to feel when "happy"
Once in life, providence decided to make me learn I wasn't being ungrateful. I truly know what joy is like, and that will never happen again.

>>27899
>Maybe at least be a friend to yourself.

Everyone ought to befriend themselves, just imagine spending every waking hour with someone you can't stand!

>>27902
I don't have to imagine.

I don't know. I have never really wanted friends.

>>27901
I felt truly happy a few times as a small child. I mean 3, 5, 6 years old small. I don't think I've been happy since I was 8, and I'm almost 30. I did have a few brief, fpeeting sensations of happiness, but that was already a decade ago. It still feels like the most recent happy thing that happened to me. And I was already cynical enough that worry kicked in almost immidiately as I began being aware that I was feeling not bad. The world has felt like a big fake existence that I sit outside of and stare at since 2013 at the latest.