I'm nearing 30 now. I found out that I had health problems that went under the radar in terms of diagnosis, but, persistently, wore me down. I could never have energy (we called it "depression"... BS). I always had a near suicidal mood. Why me? And everyone hated me so much. And every person or group which might serve to alter this trend, I watched every single one of them die. The looks on their faces were burned into me. I agonized over them, some more than others, but the one message that came back to me was that I was everything wrong with a person. I gave up, came back, gave up, came back, gave up, gave up, gave up...

I'll tell you now that I did some wacky health thing and cured one of the major ailments. Suddenly I was no longer mortally depressed by default, it just went away. A huge weight in my existence just went away like that. And then other things happened and now I feel fine.

We're simplifying things here, but I still watch my screens. I wonder what is possible, and what it is like on the other side. The existential angst terrifies me. I tried to let go of this vice, because I can experience it not as such, these false friends, but I could not. There were some attempts in the beginning to leave, but I could never do so for very long. I would not know what to do. I do not. But I only know thhat I must leave.

There was a tremendously depressing metaphor I saw, though I can't remember when, and I can't even remember what it was exactly, nor can I find it. However, the gist of it was that the butterfly, in trying to get out of its cocoon, was weak and struggled, only barely managing to do the job and escaped its prison. But it never spread its wings, and spent the rest of its life crawling.

There was no point to this thread. It's just a bit of my story.

I notice mods have removed my original picture.. I didn't realize it was against the rules. You can't really see anyone's face, it's a pretty powerful and interesting picture. That's why I used it. Sorry about that.