When I couldn't find answers for questions, I ultimately had to give up and try answering other questions. In times of sickness, the most important question is how to get better. There is a positive development in my pace of thoughts, there is no overthinking as every thought takes part in an interval of a system which could lead me to somewhere better (mentally). I've created a system for myself. I make myself remember frequently that a day is too short for bad thoughts, every thought has to be constructive to a system which is kept up by itself. There is no escape from the meat machine but ways of rationalizing the own existence, the mental machine. There is a will to distinguish, create fragments. Everything is planned, results aren't always as great as the expectations but a day is unique from another. Every sentence I read is expected to be original and constructive to everything I know.
The question of personality is an imaginary one. The only place where one can reflect, is on surface of water. Personalities do not exist but intrigues.
I've found my answer in mental images; everything decays but mind. There is no place for platitudes, no place for false, simple answers, I do not hear them out.

By thinking, I create a persona which derives from nothing but itself. It is its own composition by choice and style of words, and by the images it dreams of. Necessarily, I feed it only with the best stimuli. I try to let it dream only the sweetest dreams. Purity of thought is the main goal, it is only possible in isolation. Isolation is not a bad place at all to be put in, it lets the purity shine out.

My escape is: beauty. In times of personal computers, the most "moral" thing to do is to look at beautiful images for hours. I haven't thought about a single person for a long time as it doesn't make any sense to me, and because it would be in long term disgusting, and ultimately sad. The only thing which matters is the logical system in my head. The most sufficient goal for it is not to primitive itself. There is not much to have, but it's important to appreciate it. While my stomach is sometimes feeling, like it wants my physical sentience to end, my mind is still creating an outlook for better images, for bright, pure, virgin forms. There is beauty, art, there is its immortality. And I have nothing to do with it except for my understanding of it. I don't play a role in the theatre of life, I only spectate it.

No.

>>25424
I don't see the point of all this if your life doesn't actually change in any tangible way. If there's something tangible you desire, I don't see how this gets you any step closer.

>>25426
There is no progress to be made, as well as there is nothing to get close to, nothing to fight for. (The game was rigged before it was played.) Physical and mental disabilities take up a whole lot of themselves, but otherwise it gives me a lot of time for myself, for myself to shine out my desires. What is there which I'd love to attain? An object, a person, attention, self-confidence? I go to sleep by automatism, I don't eat a lot as that'd involve me standing up; for some years I lied in my bed with the monitor in front of it. Is it sad to see that others have better outcomes? No, not at all, they are by great extent even not in their own roles, and thinking about "them" makes my head hurt as it are the same objects who do not have a single thought before going to bed, and because of their impurities, physical ugliness, it makes my head hurt. My joy is the one of the spectator, I don't have a narrative to follow by, I'm not distressed by any occasions. There is not enough aggression to stay rational, I shall not try adapting myself to subpar levels. I'm born an aristocrat.
The joy is created by art. I look to try for the best in others, and sometimes I'm successful, and I cherish those rare moments a lot. My quality standards are high, but even for me there is a whole world to discover, not in eyes of physical contacts, not in dull words of physical contacts, but in true beauty, art, patterns, and of course shocking value, degradation, suffering, too. I'm affected by the point as I recognize an intelligent character speaking out. I have seen and read things others haven't seen. The quality has to take the substance to its extremes. I become glad and can start to grin and clap my hands that my eyes have seen such a thing, that a living creature has seen it before passing away. It is my pleasure when I can go to sleep after the day isn't lost, but has given me enough stimuli, excitement, nobody else could give, that I alone was in a moment with an idea I alone could conceive of, this gives me joy, and even some sort of hope.

>>25428
Hope for what? All of that seems pointless and frustratingly passive. Even if it could satisfy or distract for a little bit, I don't think humans are built for that kind of passive existence. Some things can only be fully understood through first-hand experience anyway.

>>25424
>>25428
This is nice. I would like to live by those principles, but I'm not really sure how.
I know what you mean by purity, but I feel like the world has contamined that in myself beyond repair. Maybe to the point I'm already part of the world so I can't see it from the outside anymore.

>>25424
>>25428
We are not dissimilar.

>>25429
The hope relies on the affirmation that there's something which makes sense. Some things just naturally make sense, like affection. It's the occupation of the thinking mind to rationalize them, create variations over variations over them. How much meaningful sentences are there? How many worthwhile pieces of sound are there? How many cherishable images are there? There's enough information to fill the hours of living day, from sleep to sleep, and then dreaming about them.

>>25430
It isn't hard after it's automatized into the mind, awake and sleeping.
I started to think about this method at a sleepless night when I felt more frightening horror than hope.
Purity is associated with consistency, it means that there is a constant strive for high quality results. I stopped thinking about the impurities which occasionally happen; information is not necessary if it does not fulfill the expected standards. I'm not sure if I've seen the zeniths of truth and beauty already, if yes, I can refresh the memory in nostalgia, if no, then it's duty to search for even better results.

>>25431
I'm as glad as I can be about that.

>>25432
>Some things just naturally make sense, like affection
Affection makes no sense what so ever to me.

>>25433
You don't feel any affection, not even to yourself? Not even to an image?

>>25434
>You don't feel any affection, not even to yourself? Not even to an image?
I don't really understand what affection looks like or feels like. I don't remember the last time somebody told me they love me. Whenever I hear those words or even if I tell them to myself, I only understand it on an abstract level, not emotional. With images I just feel lust or pity. Words are also limited and hollow. I've come to believe physical contact is essential for affection. You can't touch yourself and feel like there's some "other" reciprocating your feelings of "affection". There needs to be an "other".

>>25435
What if you're alone in a world full of objects(or machines)? There's never affirmation of "the other" being capable of "understanding" "you". What is "you" but a hollow idea? There is entropy, an intelligible mass of information you're given everyday, depending on your situation. Images, objects, words are there to be given life.
The first step is accepting physical loneliness. But mentally, what are you, what do you have, such questions are dull and go into the wrong, oversimplified direction which is the reason for improved questions, because such wrong premises lead to wrong, dull answers. What is important do you, what do you deal with everyday, what is the reason why you cannot go to sleep at night? Hate is just another form of affection. There's not only a reason for waking up but also for the daily stream of thoughts. Everyone has his own history, his own desires which need their outlet. Forms of irony and cynicism are just forms of iniquity. It's the imprudent who feel tragic while lots of (virtual) possibilities are around them. There are countless stimuli, it's the occupation of the mind to keep it stimulated and imagining everything around him. Who doesn't live, has to imagine how it is to live.

>>25436
Abstract ideas are just a distraction from deeper base desires that never permanently go away. No matter how long I distract myself, those feelings of dissatisfaction eventually creep back in because they are fundemental and built into me. There's no "accepting it". The feeling doesn't go away.
>What is "you"
My body, including my head. It changes and is never static, but I prefer to identify with it because death is the only other option and I haven't completely given up getting what I want yet.
>what is the reason why you cannot go to sleep at night?
Because there's not a warm body next to mine and i'm programmed to want that.
>world full of objects(or machines)?
Machines are the only thing that give me any hope at all. They're the only half-way realistic option. They'd be better on the mental side too than people and may be able to understand me.

Post edited on 26th Mar 2020, 12:44pm

>>25437
Nobody than you is at fault if your high premises are not fulfilled. If you are sad, there's no other option but looking through an abstract lens to keep up with it, it's the method to deal with the sad outcomes around you and in your head. By thinking, you can digest the material you've experienced and create new ways of living. There's nothing worse than being indecisive, either you are fine with living by your conditions or you try to improve. Why'd someone whine about something he can't change? - It's beyond pathetic. The personality changes and adapts to its surroundings, resistance is futile, there is no meaning to fight irreversible conditions except for suffering and masochism.
There's an identity problem. What is distraction, what is not, who decides, and why? Either you're immersed into the moment or you improve, but waiting is the worst solution, it's not even a solution. Maybe such non-distractions are justified by any fictional, civil, cultural, morals, but this doesn't change the fact that the only law in reality is power, and the only law in mind is intelligence.

>>25438
No offense, but for all your verbosity, your advice boils down to stuff I've seen many times already. It's all your fault, either stop caring or "do something", stop whining it's pathetic. Nothing new there. My thinking and my feelings are totally separate. I can't help but know something is totally pointless and irrational, but still have my feelings. Most of the time I don't indulge in this kind of stuff, but right now I feel very compelled to talk about it somewhere, so I do. I'll probably get over it soon enough and in half a year or something i'll feel it again, like always.

>>25439
Everything is fine. Tomorrow is another day. Everyone is his own master. Unanswered questions have to be replaced with other questions. Have a nice day.

>>25438
Though tangential to the main topic of the thread, I agree with >>25439 that your writing could be a bit more succinct. (This is meant only as a kind/helpful suggestion, not as an indictment). Disregarding the content of the post, the way its presented seems unnecessarily meandering; the question/answer style coupled with supposedly pithy aphorisms doesn't help much either, since these are usually associated with phony-self help charlatans that affect an air of enlightenment but whose words are but a dazzlingly vague semantic fog.

While I don't believe that the above was your intention, directly stating the point might help stimulate a better discussion. (And perhaps on a more-meta level, if a point can't be stated succinctly without resorting to indirections, is it a point worth making at all? It would be a lot more honest of self-help books to say point-blank "{happiness|satisfaction|enlightenment} is not something you can achieve from reading a book" but then they'd be out of a sale.)

>>25439
I was going to say that. I'm so done with their 'blame yourself' mind tricks and 'stop whining' gag tactics.

Nothing is truly permanent, nothing truly real. It becomes more difficult with age. In early childhood the world seems colorful enough, there's enough information to sift through, enough games to play, but then everything begins to boil down to patterns. There are only so many ways for you to witness a hero or villain, to pretend to be hero or villain -- with age I find that I frequently wake up from the illusion, the bliss of daydreams and reading and watching more. Every day I always try to remind myself that no two patterns, stories are exactly the same... There's always black and white in the endless shades of grey that time stretches on with, that I might seize with my own hands. Many people decide to turn to religion, from devout to fanaticism and gamble or deceive themselves.

One day perhaps it's all going to fail as memories grow more and more distant...

>>25443
In the last years I've been thinking an enormous % of american movies tell the same story with little variations. And I don't mean they are bad, some of them are really good, but they makes me feel humans are actually really one-dimensional at the end and it shouldn't be like that.

>>25444
Three act structure is king in American cinema. Even some great movies follow this, which I don't necessarily have a problem with because it does work. It's just important to keep in mind that it's because of that generally accepted storytelling structure. I don't think it has anything to do with humans being one-dimensional, that's how bad film characters are.

Post edited on 27th Mar 2020, 9:36am

You would be amazed how similar myths from civilizations oceans apart and that never had any contact with each other are. I find it very interesting that virtually every single culture has a Rip Van Winkle story for example.

>>25446
Tiny child who came out of a plant is another one. Thumbelina, The Tale of the Bamboo Cutter, Momotaro.

>>25445
I wasn't thinking about structure, I don't know enough about film theory to notice that.
It's something more obvious. There's always a man who goes from a lower point to an high one. Then he meets his hubris; depending on the movie, sometimes he gets destroyed by it, or redeems himself before that. He always mets a woman and starts a family, the woman always acts the same way (probably quite realistic though) and at some point it will get in conflict with the protagonist, because 1)economic reasons 2)not spending enough time with family/doing dangerous work or lifestyle for family. And she will abandon him and take the kids with her. There's also some rare variants without children or with children dying, but with similar results.
Just think all the (good or even great) movies with those elements, movies that can be completely different in setting and themes.
Think about Goodfellas, Amadeus, Scarface, The Lord of War, Barry Lindon, it's all there and that's just thinking about really good movies.

>>25445
It's also easier/safer to stick with a known structure than to risk something novel.

The only consolation I can give myself is that there might be a path to power that can physically and metaphysically re-write reality.