I've got two. I call em the time bomb and the equivalent exchange.
Time bomb; No matter what I do or say or how nice I am to people, they always get stick of me and break all contact, generally within a month and the longest things ever last is three months. The few people I've known for a good length of time are very distant. I don't much like people in the first place, but this makes it completely impossible for me to ever have real friends, let alone lovers, and I'll forever be alone as a result.

Equivalent exchange; I can't be too happy or have things going too well for me, because if I do life will fuck me over soon enough in an amount equal to or greater than how good everything was. They wont let me starve and suffer, but they wont let me be happy. I'm forever forced to remain in a neutral purgatory like state, or pay the price if things improve.

Sort of, I've made peace with my curse.

I've never fit in anywhere. At best I imitate people without feeling like I belong. Like I'm a government agent infiltrating a group of commies with some left leanings. I get some of what they're on about but still find the whole thing a bit ridiculous. Everything they talk about seems so overblown but I just blend in like a chameleon. Because the nail that stands up gets hammered down.

It certainly doesn't help I learned "people skills" in hopes of escaping my condition. They help me blend into society a bit more but come with the cost of making people seem robotic, including myself. And just how infantile people are. If you're ever in a room full of normies with a news report on TV watch as they begin emoting like children, spouting exactly the reaction the producer wanted to induce. Like coaching a child. Once you know what to look for you can't stop seeing it. Or just watch how closely people follow bullshit rules. They expect a bolt of lightning from heaven will strike them down if they misbehave.

It used to bother me a lot but I don't care anymore. After a life like this you get used to it. So you've just gotta quit telling yourself you're sad about it. And laugh like a madman, detached from it all.

>>22536
Haha, I did that too, the learning human behaviour thing.
I never did look people in the eye when they spoke, so I tried really hard to but then I questioned which eye? I can't look into both at the same time; the middle of the brow? but that's not the eye and they probably think I'm weird for looking at their brow. So I just went back to looking away.

I haven't noticed your observations of people, maybe because we live in different cultures, but I did notice that normies have such collectivist fashion sense.

I think so, but I'm not entirely sure.

Maybe I'm just making a big thing out of my awful luck. My luck does get pretty awful at times, though.

>>22572
>they probably think I'm weird for looking at their brow
Unless you're really up close with someone, I doubt they'd notice.

>>22572
I'm not sure how I missed this post, but I also don't know what to look at when talking to someone. I sometimes just let my eyes scan their face, but I sometimes just can't do it and look around to avoid looking at one eye for too long. I try not to look at anybody for too long because looking at people trying to converse with me sort of makes me a bit nervous. I don't like it when people look at me, though, so that could also be a big part of it.

I'm a huge train wreck of a person.

>>22529 (this was my post)

You know, this really makes me wonder why I even bother with anything if I know bad things are going to happen if/when sometimes good happens.
Whelp, the equivalent exchange curse strikes again. I went to the zoo the day after my birthday and didn't have a bad time, sort of enjoyed myself in fact. Get home and ironically find a couple of my fish I've had for years (three years in the case of one) had died. Buried em that same night.
This sort of thing keeps happening but I keep forgetting about it. I really should have expected 'something' to happen but let my guard down. I guess officially becoming a wizard the other day wasn't bad enough for the powers that be.
At least I got this cute fennec while I was there.

>>23565
I think you're reading too much into a coincidence. Fish are the most common pets to die because of how fragile they are. Even pet insects tend to have a better survival rate. Plus,I bet they were part of a group of fish and didn't even have their own names (nor were you able to identify them independently unless each was of a different species and/or have very distinctive features, like a particularly longer fin).
>I guess officially becoming a wizard the other day wasn't bad enough for the powers that be.
Wizardom is a choice, not matter how disgusting, degrading and humiliating the alternative might be, just saying.
>At least I got this cute fennec while I was there.
It's very cute indeed. Looks so soft and fluffy.

>>23566
Maybe I am, and I probably seem like I'm making a bigger deal of it than the situation warrants. To be clear, it's far from the end of the world. Three years is however nothing to sneeze at I think.
>Plus,I bet they were part of a group of fish and didn't even have their own names
This is true. The fish that died was identifiable due to it's size, but I never gave it an actual name. When I got it and it's partner I named the other which died the day after. Never decided on a name for this one and never bothered because of what happened with the other.

>I think you're reading too much into a coincidence
That's not where it ends.
See, I've been checking in on animal crossing daily for a while now mostly to see what items are being bought at a double price in the shop. These can be any two items from hundreds of possible in game items and variants. I've stock piled every fruit in the game while waiting and hoping to see one of them get listed. There's so many items in the game that I've only seen apples once and oranges twice in the months of checking in daily, So getting it to land on what you want is a real fat chance. With that in mind, not only did it land on "goldfish" the day mine died, it was one of the items the following day too.

I’ve been told by a few different people that I’m unusually unlucky, but I wouldn’t know for sure, since I don’t know any other way. I started to suspect a curse or mild haunting of some sort for my luck and other strange reasons, but it could just be karma, which I use to justify all this stuff to myself.

I’ve done things that hurt people, so I feel it’s only natural that things come back around to hurt me.

>>23572
Synchronicity can be a pretty interesting thing. I actually made a list a few years back cataloging them for a few months. I'm not exactly sure what to make of it. Sure, some are coincidences easily enough but some border on the uncanny.

>>22527
Whenever my life is JUST about to get better in one way or another, I purposefully fuck it up at the last moment.
>get an offer for a great job - reject it to become a neet
>about to move to my dream city - cancel ticket at the last moment
>flirting with cute girl, she seems interested in me - tell her something really fucking cringy and she walks off

>misuse the quote function >talk about my 3dpd gf hunt >get banned from a forum i dont belong on

>>23580
beautiful ban

>>23580
i also deal with self sabotage like that. it's never intentional, it's almost as if it's willed by some subconscious desire to punish myself

Yep. Grew up with parents arguing and pretty sure that's what led to my depression and social anxiety (and ensuing neetdom).

Age 16 my eyesight declined so I can't immerse in escapism. I get so stressed and try to improve my fitness, age 21 I get a double knee injury which still hurts when it bends today (cartilage issues, I'm 23 now). Age 22 I get a hernia also from lifting too heavy (and genetics).

I'm 23 and started University late, but now I have bad social skills, knees, eyes, hernia... it honestly feels god has cursed me entirely. The isolation is still the worst of all.

>>24014
>I can't immerse in escapism.
What about audiobooks or audio drama? Just curious.

I think last year I got a lot of joy in some things to be honest, not major joy like adolesence but since I had a path I was following (pre-University) and completely succeeding I was kept in a bubble where I felt I had something to strive towards.

Coming to University reminded me how far behind I was socially, life-skills wise and academically (it feels like this bc by attention is dire, my University is full of straight A students fresh from school).

I think at the moment I don't allow myself to relax because I'm so desperate and see my University as a final chance at a happy life. I'd gladly accept death if I failed to achieve such ambitions. I guess it's kinda bad to say but I just hate being so lonely irl. I did actually have people to speak to for the first time in years though which was nice but I also felt like I'll be abandoned like I normally am.

But anyway to the point, audiobooks and drama I can't really enjoy since I have such dire attention spans. I do listen to music which gives me some joy but I'm feeling a real physical depression now too. I've grew so tired of life being merely coping and the knowledge it gets worse automatically by age (even if you situation is the same) that I'm genuinely thinking about suicide.

I want to find something that makes life worth living, rather than just coping. I genuinely believe if I felt stable in my life/future my joy could come back to me, which seems so unlikely it makes me want to kms but I suppose it's an actual survival instinct for once? I wasn't full blown hikki for 4 years but I haven't had any genuine social experiences for maybe 7 years?

Between 16-19 I was full on despair apathy, 20-23 I have brief moments of joy but it was all preparation for reintegrating into society, which so far is extremely hard as I realise how retarded I am

I guess my point is I'm so worried and stressed about life that I can't really relax alone. I don't know if the constant shame beats desperate apathy trying to find escapist joy though.

>>23580
amazing work mods, this is what ive been considering for r9k, otaku hiki neet mods who instantly permaban the pest known as normalfags

>>24359
Is this sarcasm? I honestly can't tell.

>>24360
nope its my true feelings, as an otaku hiki neet myself i get physically sick from normalfags

>>24359
fuck off back the r9k you worthless cunt, nobody wants your type of memespouting shithead here

>>24361
>i watch anime to fit in whit the kewl kids klub on ntggertits
die twice

>>24368
you better calm down, with your hostility youre probably wagiecoping
>i watch anime to fit in whit the kewl kids klub on ntggertits
anime makes me chad confirmed

>>24368
Could you drop the hostility? That's not doing anyone any favors here.

>>23573
Update: I definitely wonder sometimes if I have a mild haunting that makes me unusually unlucky. People always point out to me how things only break or weird things happen when I’m around, or just flat out tell me that I’m unusually unlucky. I’m not sure if it’s karma, or there really is a god that’s punishing me, or if it’s all in my head. I don’t know what to do. I’ve been thinking of turning towards religion, because I lack direction or really anything of substance in my life.

It is hard to explain without going into a lot of cumbersome specific details, but I believe that the world is constantly trying to undermine my happiness in life. I think the motivation is that the powers that be are afraid of my growing magical powers (read: inordinately good fortune). As such, I view a lot of things as a struggle between the world and me. Unlike >>22529, I don't think good fortune and bad fortune necessarily have to reach a balance; one can dominate, but it is an ongoing struggle between the two.
If anyone's interested, I think that detaching my mind from the physical world through appreciation of ideas and artificial constructions fuels my magic, whereas getting bogged down in worldly bullshit weakens me.

>>24373
Oddly enough, I've reached a similar thought process. To add to that, I think "the world", as an entity, is an enemy to individuals, but especially those who recognize it.

>>24016
Small update:

I was genuinely happy between the months of September-Mid January. I woke up every day motivated thinking things are gonna go great.

I imagine that's how regular people feel. However, for some reason I has a massive anxiety attack over future careers, started comparing myself to others and moreorless had a breakdown and now have been very depressed for over a month.

I achieved happiness! But of course, for no apparent reason I decided my life must be super amazing awesome beyond happiness, only to falter and breakdown due to feeling no stress towards my exams, nor any motivation.

I've thought about dying every day again reeeeeeeeeeeee

I have been feeling awful deja vu (occasionally inexplicable nostalgia) lately. It feels like I have lived particular events in my life over and over already, as if I have experienced the scene unfolding before my eyes countless times before. Coupled with vague, distant memories and dreams of dying, it makes me wonder if I am actually restarting life in this hell world over and over.

>>26809
Probably because your day is the same and repetitive. I'm coincidentally also the person who posted above you, it took maybe a year or something but I started giving less of a hoot about worrying about things even if I'm not feeling neurotically happy it's much healier.

Ironically as I've felt happier I now for some reason think about buying a waifu pillow even if it seems a deeper step into the abyss.

>>26809
Like the other anon said, I think deja vu is something that happens when the mind doesn't have enough stimulation. Use it or lose it as they say.

I think I am very lucky in that I have good health and am financially ok but i am completely incapable of forming relationships and friendships. It is not so bad but a very solitary lifestyle. My only curse is an inability to connect with others.

>>26920
I have the same problem. I'm not sure what I'm missing, but something integral to forming meaningful relationships isn't there.

>>26920
>>26921
I envy you two so much.

>>26921
>something integral to forming meaningful relationships isn't there.
What if people like you and I aren't the problem, but rather a modern culture that prioritizes short term gains from relationships with people over long term life lasting relationships

>>26930
That's certainty a factor. Long gone are the times most people in the west would make childhood friends they stick with for the rest of their lives.
Making friends as a kid is the easiest by far.

At the same time, normal people have adjusted enough to have something. That's what's normal. You could argue it's not worth having though.

>>26930
>but rather a modern culture that prioritizes short term gains from relationships with people over long term life lasting relationships
Even outside this fact, society has always had a particular notion of "acceptable" social interaction, and anyone falling outside that is considered an outcast. Even something as simple as not being able to make eye contact is enough to basically exclude you from interactions.

tattoo the curse in the flesh and make your body strong

I'm pretty sure my creativity is getting tapped into by some supernatural entity and used to provide inspiration for artists/authors/musicians/etc that have actual followings (and by extension, the time and money to finish their creations). Every time I get an idea for a story or a character or a song and it feels like something worth fleshing out, something always comes out that's just like my idea. Even though I don't tell anyone about it. So now I can't even publish the cool thing I dumped so much time into because it'll look like a ripoff.

In that same vein, I've learned not to get my hopes up for anything because I'll always be shot down. Any time I see an opening to improve some aspect of my life and I take advantage of it, pow. Beaten down, again and again, until the opportunity closes. It's like teasing a dog with a toy and every time they jump up to get it, you yank it out of their reach right before they can grab it, no matter how high they jump. Only I'm the dog.

>>26962
It doesn't matter if two things have the same premise. Just what does it better.

>>26907
>>26908
You may be right. I do make an attempt to keep myself stimulated, but nowhere near as much as I'd like. Days fly by like hours, the month is over before I even realize it, and it dawns on me that I only accomplished a fraction of the fun/interesting things I (vaguely) planned for. Wageslaving doesn't help, even though my job is theoretically supposed to be pretty stimulating too.
In any case, I am still not unconvinced that it is actually some sort of hell life loop. Maybe I'll catch on eventually.