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File 136442877148.jpg - (85.70KB , 1024x768 , new life plus.jpg )
2120 No. 2120 [Edit]
I have premise I like and I like the way it's begun but I keep getting stuck with the writing and I think it's time I admit I'm being too ambitious trying to make a vn all by myself. I need someone to help me write it and would like someone to compose.

The idea I'm working on is kind of hard to explain but you play as a guy who gets visited by his wife from the future but from an alternate timeline and becomes your maid so she can be near you. She was basically reborn but with all her memories. Her whole life is the same except she remembers how it went the first time but doesn't know why it happened. So Mc doesn't remember her but since he spent so much of his life with her he gets this feeling that he's forgetting something or becoming uncomfortable when things don't follow the original timeline. I'd call it "new life plus".

I haven't introduced the premise into the story yet, just mc's home life to the viewer. Mc has social anxiety. I don't know how to express this well besides getting angry at his sister for trying to make him socialize.
Expand all images
>> No. 2121 [Edit]
Reminds me of this tear-jerker story I had to read back in school. It was about woman that traveled back to be with her future husband and escape the bleak future because of nuclear war or pollution.. or something. I am sort of pissed off I cant remember the name of it. I'd love to re-read it as an adult.

I'd offer services but I suck. If you want to give me a scenario I will try to put it into words. Can't guarantee it will be good though.
>> No. 2122 [Edit]
I could upload what I have but you'd have to keep in mind it's still pretty glitchy at this point. I can't get the narration text to align correctly, It doesn't work when I try to tell it narration has a separate text box, name input exists but has no screen for it, missing character portraits and things like that.
>> No. 2123 [Edit]
>>2122
You have a functioning prototype? So long as it runs on my computer* I'd love to take a look at it.


*2003 compaq, running XP, and full of shitty bloatware my computer illiterate parents keep downloading.
>> No. 2124 [Edit]
Judge it based on whether or not it has potential.
You dont need a dropbox account to download it right?
https://www.dropbox.com/s/pzz3ib105gih5x7/New%20Life%20Plus-1.0-win.zip
>> No. 2125 [Edit]
File 136487393557.jpg - (36.40KB , 444x335 , missing popstar and best friend.jpg )
2125
I won't lie. Some of the dialog was pretty groan worthy and really seemed to mess with the pacing of the story. The good news is: At least you knew that was a weakness. (Although pacing issues could have been caused by the combination of missing portraits too. Or the fact that the bulk of the story takes place after the home life introduction)

Some parts were enjoyable and had a lot of genuine character to them. Like that 'Captains Log infinity' part and the story that happens when you choose to wait for Sasha.

Maybe make Max a little more avoident of his sister and only angry when she prys and forces her ideals into his life.
I'd like to overhaul some of the text. Instead of: "We are not hurting for money so I am getting a maid"
Maybe change to Something about how "The house just never seems as tidy with your mother gone"
>*more dialog about how the family wants to force Max to 'be more competent'. How he seems to be causing added stresses to their busy lives.*
"In the past I thought about getting a housekeeper..."
>*more dialog*
"Listen,Since you are home all the time maybe you could learn a thing or two from her." {/disappointment and anger}


TL:DR
Yeah, I see potential in the current story. If you liked that small potential revision I'd be happy to make a lot more. Is there anyway we could network on this project outside of tohno-chan imageboard?
E-mail/skype/deviant art?


P.S. I think I see what you did here.
*pic related

Post edited on 1st Apr 2013, 8:47pm
>> No. 2126 [Edit]
>>2125
OP here
Thank you. I appreciate the critique. what parts were groan worthy?
>I'd like to overhaul some of the text.
That would be fine. You could write up what you want done and I could implement it. It would be cool If you could directly edit the script but I dont think you can open .rpy files without ren'py installed.

>P.S. I see what you did there.
Heh, I think I made it too obvious. I guess that's fine though. I know katawa did that in that pan shot of the classroom.

My skype and deviantart is heavensdeviant

Post edited on 3rd Apr 2013, 5:03pm
>> No. 2127 [Edit]
File 136509107429.jpg - (54.23KB , 437x332 , ~Sasha-x-CoffeMaker OTP 4 lyfe~.jpg )
2127
>>2126
Thanks
But I must say, I am not too sure of your intentions for the story.
Upon multiple playthroughs I've noticed the overall atmosphere has a 'hackneyed cliche trope'-vibe to it. Not sure if that was intentional.

I'll deconstruct some stuff here just to see if you like the elements presented.

1. Are the characters in Highschool? (unless you where going for that overused "I gotta study had so I can get into a good university"-trope)
I'd suggest changing it to a Community College or a similar type of place. That way Max would really be wasting away his life. On bad days he could just be skipping all his lectures and hanging out in the cafeteria/commons area.

2. Give Sasha a part-time job, volunteer work, or study group. Something to prove she is more ambitious than Max.
A part-time job would be ideal. Sasha could be working to pay off her educational debts while her father pays for Max and forces him to go.
This could cause Sasha to be a little bitter at times and resent Max for his 'free ride'.

2a. Later down the road Sasha tries to hook up Max with a shy co-worker or friend. This would create a triangle of conflict between Max, Sasha, and Lynn. This could even give Max internal conflict if him and said girl find some common ground + these interactions cause trouble in Lynn's 'Life Continuum'.

3. A MORE SUBTLE INTRODUCTION OF LYNN. The whole *ties the shoes* thing felt a little too absurd and almost self parody. Likewise the conversation at the house was where a majority of the groan worthy dialog was.

Perhaps internalize some of Max's more goofy comments and give Lynn an almost uncanny way of reading his thoughts.

Example
*Have Lynn dressed in a simple apron (like Kyoko from maison ikkoku) maybe with her hair tied back in a bandanna or something.*
Max's internal thought: "Ugh... why is she dressed so pl-"
Lynn:"Plain?, Ha ha that's just like you Max"
Max: "What?, Hey! how do you know..."
Father: "I've informed her about you and Sasha,"
Max: "why!?, she is only here to clean."
Father: "Ah, clean, cook, organize. She is quite resourceful too. She even managed to spruce your room up a bit.
Max: "my room..."
*Lynn slightly grins*
Lynn:"It was an easy lock to pick"

~Maybe when Lynn wakes up Max the next day have her wearing something more tailored to his interests. She might even put on cat ears just to tease him.

I wouldn't be too heavy handed about her saying stuff like "Max I am your wife from the future". Instead just have her hint at it. Maybe have her 'drop the bomb' after some development and spending some time with her one night.
I really like her character. First to have Max think she is insane and unusually lustful and then comes to find out she is a sweetheart who cares deeply about him. ;_;


Don't get me wrong. I think the stuff you got is pretty top notch especially when it all functions in technical harmony. I just think the story you've presented deserves a serious heartwarming melodrama approach to it rather than a generic otaku self-parody comedy.
Ultimately, the choice is yours.

I'll look into downloading Ren'Py tonight and see how it's constructed. I'd love to directly edit the script but I fear I might inject too much personal shit into the story. It's best to have some regulation.
In the meantime, enjoy some terrible fan-art.
>> No. 2128 [Edit]
File 13651172206.png - (93.82KB , 313x291 , sasha.png )
2128
>>2127
>1. Are the characters in Highschool? (unless you where going for that overused "I gotta study had so I can get into a good university"-trope)
>I'd suggest changing it to a Community College or a similar type of place. That way Max would really be wasting away his life. On bad days he could just be skipping all his lectures and hanging out in the cafeteria/commons area.


I was going with highschool but I don't have a strong reason to. Would it be weird that Sasha and Max would both be going to the same college? I think Sasha would be at a higher academic level. Well, her english grades are shit but she's very gifted in math. If they gave scholarship in that she would probably get it. that sort of thing just comes naturally to her.
>2.
>This could cause Sasha to be a little bitter at times and resent Max for his 'free ride'.
Only thing you've said I'm deadset against. The explanation why is a little lengthy but here I go. Sasha isn't dumb but she lacks a lot of common sense sometimes. the coffee thing was the first example I've set up to illustrate this. She doesn't pay attention to a lot of obvious things or just doesn't think about them. She gets confused and messes up a lot so max has always done things to help her and fix things when she messes up. many little things. When their parents had to leave they left max in charge even though sasha was older. She was never mad at them because she knew they were right to choose so. Only a little mad at herself for her own incompetence. Their whole life, Max was the smart, dependable one and Sasha needed looking after. So their mom passes away. Max gets depressed and has some existential crisis maybe. He's antisocial but that's normal for him. Sasha gets worried and starts trying to force her own ideals on him. "You were always there when I was hurt! You were always the one who fixed everything and took care of me! Well now your in pain and I should be able to do something!!! Why don't you let me help you" Pic related. Sasha and Max are both recycled characters from a failed project. Drew that portrait six months ago. Pretty happy with the improvement.

>2a. Later down the road Sasha tries to hook up Max with a shy co-worker or friend. This would create a triangle of conflict between Max, Sasha, and Lynn. This could even give Max internal conflict if him and said girl find some common ground + these interactions cause trouble in Lynn's 'Life Continuum'.

I wouldn't mind this but I get the feeling after lynn tells sasha she love him Sasha would become immediately trusting of her and give her all her support. I need to think of how this dynamic would work. Lynn is very honest and Sasha's very trusting. I always imagined them having a good relationship.
>3. A MORE SUBTLE INTRODUCTION OF LYNN. The whole *ties the shoes* thing felt a little too absurd and almost self parody. Likewise the conversation at the house was where a majority of the groan worthy dialog was.

The original introduction I had written out was more of her tearing up and getting emotional because she sees her love for the first time in years. I realized I had to put thought into how they met in the first timeline. I wanted it to be be something that would make max look pitiful so like, he'd trip over his shoe lace, his nose breaks on the tile and start crying or some shit like that so when lynn sees him her thoughts are along the line of "Oh my god he's not scary. He's adorable." Then rushes to help him.
The reason she has to feel this way marks the difference between first gen lynn and second gen lynn as there's over a 20 year jump. In the first timeline their relationship was about two socially awkward self-loathing teenagers finding beauty in each other and helping each other grow. When she talks about their past Id have her say something like, "Isnt it funny? We both hated ourselves while worshiping each other." Max was always anti-social and distant while lynn was bullied in middle school by her "friends". She basically believed it was all her fault though for being awkward and generally unlikable and gets more scared of people. Max didn't never scared her. Part of that was because she projected herself onto him but that aside there was something that just made him really easy to talk to. So they eventually fall in love, Lynn gets genuine friends and acknowledges her value.
A theme I want to use, especially in the endings, is that first gen lynn isn't the same person as second gen lynn but she expects him to treat her the same way he did in the first time line.

>I wouldn't be too heavy handed about her saying stuff like "Max I am your wife from the future". Instead just have her hint at it. Maybe have her 'drop the bomb' after some development and spending some time with her one night.
I really like her character. First to have Max think she is insane and unusually lustful and then comes to find out she is a sweetheart who cares deeply about him. ;_;
>Don't get me wrong. I think the stuff you got is pretty top notch especially when it all functions in technical harmony. I just think the story you've presented deserves a serious heartwarming melodrama approach to it rather than a generic otaku self-parody comedy.
Ultimately, the choice is yours.
Agreed. I really would like to take this in a heartwarming direction.

Post edited on 4th Apr 2013, 4:20pm
>> No. 2131 [Edit]
File 136512578311.jpg - (6.99KB , 338x228 , deliria.jpg )
2131
>>2128
Now it all makes sense. For the most part it sounds like you've got everything figured out (and good artwork to boot). Well, at least you know where to contact me.

I might still look into using Ren'Py.
I always wanted a to see a horror anime that was akin to the slasher genre of the 1980's. Maybe making a cheap and stylistic visual novel would be the best way of putting it out of my head and into perspective.
I've gotta find someway to kill my insomnia.
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