I don't know. I'm not even sure how being happy is supposed to feel like.
I have probably very high expectations. I always think love and happiness should be really strong feelings because the entertainment media depicts them that way. So strong that you should at least know when you feel that way but I can't remember such overwhelming emotions. I don't think that I'm mental so I assume that I was often happy and have fallen in love a few times during my live. Which means those feelings are more disappointing than anything.

You seem to think that happiness is closely related to success. Isn't there another way to be happy? I think I'm happy in those moments when I think about "otaku culture", I think it's somehow beautiful, it seems to be made for people like me. Sitting alone at home reading, watching, playing media with cute, innocent, beautifully unrealistic girls is very calming. How do you feel when you look at images like the one you posted?

I'm pretty sure there are other ways to attain happiness. Success isn't really important in my eyes. You can be useful to others without having any talent. If you have friends, you're useful to them (they wouldn't be friends with you otherwise). If you don't and can't make friends in real life because of the isolation, try to make friends through the internet. If you can't/don't want to do that and you have a lot of time, try learning Japanese (if you haven't already), you could translate for others.

I'm sorry, I'm bad at giving advice above all because I'm pretty much useless to the society and don't have any friends, so I just can guess how one manages to be useful to others.

Most people believe that negative and positive emotions are mutually exclusive. They are not, although they can seem to be.

When I was fourteen, I was very depressed, and in retrospect should have been put on meds. I didn't attempt suicide or anything, but I truly despised myself, and my father insulted me and bullied me for my very personality almost every day. To this day, my father has been my main bully. This was a really shitty time; the only thing that I liked back then were the Phantasy Star and Shining Force games. But oddly, being seriously depressed, made me feel alive, moreso than any other time in my life. However, this could have been because I was fourteen, and the world was just opening up to me at the time.

Now it is decades later, and I went a little crazy about a week and a half ago. I'm under strong amounts of paranoia and mania, and despite the stress I feel that life is magical again. It hasn't felt that way since 2013, and I thought that the magic went away forever. It may be a hard time, but at least things are interesting again.

>>21076

>However, this could have been because I was fourteen, and the world was just opening up to me at the time.

When I was between the ages of I guess 12-16 I had frequent moments when I wanted to die, but always had the capacity within myself to break away at times and immerse myself in video games. I still had hope I guess which was the main difference. What I'd call severe depression (17-20, I'm 20 now) was when I stopped enjoying things very much, I didn't really feel anxiety nor happiness, just a very thin set of emotions aside from times I get frustrated and angry (once every month or something I guess).

Part of wanting to die between 13-16 was because I assumed I wouldn't have hte capacity to become happy, I remember saying I hoped I died when I hit 20 because a normal, functional life would be too hard for me to live. I don't mean normal as in wageslave 60 hours a week and go home to a wife and kids (I feel sad at the thought, after all my issues the only compensation would be mediocrity). I just mean a normal, bearable existence.

I also think at times a fear of aging is what makes me so sad, dying doesn't scare me as much as living does. Though I'd prefer to just be young forever than outright dying (and with the ability to go back in time, so I wouldn't be stuck in an endless void after humanity expires).

Also, I think a will to live is important. When I was younger and upset, I'd be sad at that time but intrinsically I wanted to continue living. Even times where I 'enjoy' stuff and feel positive emotions, I still have the thought "I want to die." running through my head so even if it's positive emotions I still feel intrinsically sad.

>>21073
I can imagine it, but I can't imagine myself feeling like it. Relaxed feelings or strong feelings are both relatively 'happy' emotions. I lost my ability for immersion so I usually end up feeling sad I can't make the kind of stuff my life revolves around. I see Shiro as a cute loli, the colours are probably the best part in NGNL. I'm trying to learn Japanese as well (currently I can recognise most Hiragana, though I can't write most of them from memory and my word knowledge is pretty low). I did download Pokemon Ruby and FF4 in Japanese for the SNES (I found a guide for Learning Jap with ff4) though I think it'd be better off if I got a VN which used Hiragana (and Katakana I think) and alongside the addon which can translate the romaji (I'm pretty sure there's one, I'll have to look for it)
>>21074

I've had opportunites for Weed but I always rejected them. I know how good life can be (as a kid at least) but it makes me upset that I'll never return to that state of calm and happiness, so basically when the effects expire I'd be back to where I am now, only worse off due to being older.

At my worst, I'm pretty stoic. I don't allow myself to take anything for granted, I treat every day like I just had a near-death experience. I'm just happy to be alive and to breath air and do things. I kinda had to force myself into that mindset at first, but now it's just natural. I try to live like Bob Ross. It feels pretty good, I feel like I've never left childhood behind. The world's a little smaller, but I still appreciate everything I see and do.

When I want to do something, I don't worry about the end goal, I focus on the journey. Focusing on the end goal is how you know you don't really want to do something. I love programming and drawing, and while I can't make anything impressive, I still really enjoy actually making things. I just see the end goal as a nice bonus.

When I'm too "depressed" to do anything, I just watch anime or films and daydream. I really like daydreaming, it makes my depressive bouts very bearable. I can just escape to a whole other life and live them both out in parallol. I've been daydreaming all my life, so, it's pretty powerful for me. My daydreams are almost like memories I never experienced.

Though I agree with >>21073 that I do get a little sad when I see media that makes friendship and love look so amazing and thrilling when really, they're pretty, uh, average. I couldn't live without them, but, the feelings themselves, they're not as good as advertised. I don't often feel love when around people I love, usually either disappointment or just nothing. Maybe I'm picky, I don't know. I try not to think about it and just bury myself in my hobbies and fantasies. You don't feel so lonely when you're drawing cute anime girls.

Doing things you enjoy. That's the simplest way to put it. But the problem is it changes over time. Things you liked years ago are completely boring now and you just do it out of habit.

My idea of happiness is that it's eternal, or at least lasts long enough to give the impression. They are many things that make you feel good, but not happy (far too many to list here). That occasional moment you think to yourself, "god damn, I'm glad I'm alive", is far too translucent for my taste. It's fucking depressing. When you realize no matter how happy you are at a point, it will end. A similar feeling to this is the happy dream. In these dreams, for me, I fall in love with a girl and she shows a interest in me. But then I wake up. This is the same as a moments happiness. It's sick.

But you know, a lot of things people say make them happy don't make me happy. Helping other doesn't make me feel good. Receiving awards doesn't make me feel good. These things, which good people seem to base their life around get no reaction from me. For example I'll expand on the award part. Before they read my name I was tense. After they read my name I was tense and relieved. I felt like I should smile. Afterwards, someone said I could at least look a bit happy. Then, he's probably still in shock, another said. Well, I must still be in shock, because I haven't felt anything yet. After years of work, I get recognition, and I just feel relieved.

>>21078
> Even times where I 'enjoy' stuff and feel positive emotions, I still have the thought "I want to die." running through my head so even if it's positive emotions I still feel intrinsically sad.
When are those times?
I also haven't really stopped thinking about killing myself since 13 or so, not really thinking that it would be great to do it. I just think living isn't worth the hassle because even if I really do feel happiness at times, it isn't satisfying. My suicidal thoughts aren't really a strong desire though, I have planned/prepared everything except the time and also wouldn't mind dying accidental or something but in the end life isn't really awful, I just don't seem to be as emotional and social as other people. A ton of Africans probably have worse lives.

>I also think at times a fear of aging is what makes me so sad, dying doesn't scare me as much as living does.
What exactly makes you sad? The thought of aging itself or the thought of living that long (regardless of the changes that turning old causes) could you elaborate in either case?
>Though I'd prefer to just be young forever than outright dying (and with the ability to go back in time, so I wouldn't be stuck in an endless void after humanity expires).
I also have this thought from time to time but it doesn't really make sense/contradicts the consideration of suicide. My problem probably isn't life itself but life in society with all these obligations and responsibilities that you can't get rid of whatever you do.

>I did download Pokemon Ruby and FF4 in Japanese for the SNES (I found a guide for Learning Jap with ff4) though I think it'd be better off if I got a VN which used Hiragana (and Katakana I think) and alongside the addon which can translate the romaji (I'm pretty sure there's one, I'll have to look for it)
ITH with Translation Aggregator and Mecab/Jparser. Or chiitrans, I think. Don't avoid Kanji, reading can be surprisingly hard without it. Try an anki vocabulary deck for the beginning but start reading as soon as possible. Besides VNs stuff with furigana is also easy to look up, a lot of manga and some games have it.

I smoke weed occasionally but it has never evoked feelings. I just have a different perception. That's it. So I think you'd need other drugs for happiness.

>>21079
>I don't allow myself to take anything for granted, I treat every day like I just had a near-death experience
Isn't really wrong, if you consider statistics. I think it's pretty strange that a lot of people get in cars, trains, planes etc. without even considering the possibility of their death. It gets ridiculous when you add the fact that a lot of people buy lottery tickets.

>>21082
>My idea of happiness is that it's eternal, or at least lasts long enough to give the impression. They are many things that make you feel good, but not happy (far too many to list here). That occasional moment you think to yourself, "god damn, I'm glad I'm alive", is far too translucent for my taste. It's fucking depressing. When you realize no matter how happy you are at a point, it will end. A similar feeling to this is the happy dream. In these dreams, for me, I fall in love with a girl and she shows a interest in me. But then I wake up. This is the same as a moments happiness. It's sick.
I'm not sure if I understand you correctly. What's the difference between feeling good and being happy in your eyes? The duration of the feeling? Or is happiness (also) stronger?
Isn't the intensity of a feeling enough to make it desirable? It seems to be the case for the masses.
If it's not that great and doesn't last long I understand why it'd be depressing but I guess I'd go after intense positive emotions no matter how short they may be.

>>21079
>Focusing on the end goal is how you know you don't really want to do something
I thought this for such a long time. That if I want to get into drawing or programming or whatever it is that I want to do with my life that I can't because clearly, I don't like practising it and if I don't like that then I don't truly like it at all. You know how many years I wasted because I held beliefs like that?

In my mind, I have an idea of what kind of programs I want to make and what kind of pictures I want to be able to draw but in the end, when I see that my attempts to create those things are seemingly endlessly far away from what I envisioned mentally, it was so frustrating that I would give up. I would give up because clearly, I don't "actually" want those things. The reality is that I do want those things. I do want to create those end-results and there's nothing wrong with this. There's nothing wrong with being a results-oriented artist. I think the difference is that for those who enjoy the journey, art is a means through which they express their nature whereas for those who are results-oriented, art becomes a form of rebellion against it. That's definitely how it feels to me. When I try to improve my artistic ability, it feels like, just a little bit each day, that I've stolen the powers of creation from the Gods. I have defied them and accomplished what was not meant to be possible for me. When I see that I put in so much effort to accomplish something which someone with talent did with ease, I don't feel distraught. I feel a deep sense of gratification. It's not "Aww. I have to work this hard to get those results" but rather, "A person has to be this talented to get my results". I know that I'm not a "true" artist. That I'm a fake. That I'm not doing as what was intended for me. That I'm not following the grooves that were laid down for me and you know what?

You can go fuck yourself.

>>21189
Wow calm down I just said do things you enjoy so you don't have to force yourself to things.
You actually sounds pretty tense. I'm guessing you still haven't found a way to express yourself that you actually enjoy. You should keep looking.

>>21190
Sorry about that. I just re-read my post and realised how it looks. In the moment when I was writing it, I wasn't thinking of you at all. I was thinking of whatever God it was that I was rebelling against. In my mind, I had a middle-finger held up against the sky rather than you and lost in my euphoria, I started talking to it rather than you. I only wanted to express that feeling directly. It didn't come off the way I hoped at all. No offense meant to you.

As time progresses, I've become increasingly convinced of the possibility that our talents are actually skills that we developed in our previous life. I've seen musicians play pieces that they mysteriously felt that they had played before. I believe that at some point in one of our previous lives, these talents that we have actually started as "unnatural" skills that we either forced ourselves to develop or had some kind of emotional support to help us develop. The settlers who came to America and were paid money to plough the land, land which had never once up until this point been ploughed, they frequently broke their tools trying to soften the ground. The next generation however had a significantly easier time dealing with the land. It was tough and likewise, as I blaze these new trails and plough these new lands, I encounter a similar stiff resistance but that's okay. When I reincarnate, I'll be able to pick up where I left off and the next "me" will find it natural.

For me, the true nature of art is taking the unnatural and forcing it to be natural. You've tamed this wild, unyielding beast. Yes, I'm tense and I suffer but this pain is meaningful so I embrace it all.

I've been miserable for years, but just 2 days ago I started stepping out of my "safe zones" and "bondries" and shit, and I've actually started feeling like life has a purpose. I think challenging yourself to do things you wouldn't normally do can only lead to happiness.