I found a useful program today for monitoring packets received from the internet which displays their source. Helped me find the particular directory of a site I was having trouble locating before.

"Good things"?

I guess maybe have enough time to play and explore in that last game I played. That's about it, considering that I had to check up on my sick mother every once in a while.

Got a package I"ve been waiting for in the mail.

I managed to wake up on time rather than oversleep like usual!

I taught some high school girls algebra. It feels good to help people sometimes.

nothing

nothing

nothing

I found out my job has work for me, which normally wouldn't be a good thing but i'm almost out of money and food

A lot of things actually, I learned so much new shit just by browsing /mai/ and /so/ up to page 10, I don't actually know what I learned exactly but I know it made me a better person somehow, I always take pleasure in simple things.

I've more seriously entertained the notion of suicide. I lack the means to make it immediately feasible, but intellectually apprehending the decision is an important preliminary step.

>>18711

>>18711
And I have the means. For now I'm just keeping it as a memento mori. The instinct that keeps me alive is strong. I need some of that liquid courage.
Though I'm not german, that's the cheapest Amazon deal I could find that ships to my country.

The online statement from my unemployment provider says I'm getting 300 dollars tomorrow.

I live with my mother, so I don't usually get much in the way of big payouts. Hopefully it wasn't just an error on the website or some other nonsense.

I did go for a walk outside today for the first time in quite a while. It really helped mellow my really down mood I was in.

>>18713
The helium tank method is bullshit. use a proper exit bag, a rope or a gun if the day comes.

>>18786
Can you tell me how to get a proper exit bag then? I thought this was the exit bag method. As for the gun and rope, I understand that you might end up disabled doing them, so I don't want them. Unless I can blow myself to pieces with an RPG, but that's kinda difficult to obtain.

>>18787
I'm pretty sure any method of suicide has it's risks. An exit bag without special gases used is basically putting a plastic bag over your head with a rubber band at your neck. If you are found halfway through, you could suffer brain damage.

I've been thinking lately that if I was going to kill myself I'd take all the pills I've saved up (3225mg quetiapine and some others), wait a bit then put a plastic bag over my head. I would drink alcohol as well but I don't have a photo ID and to get one would take weeks.

Also googling 'how to make an exit bag' comes up with a vimeo video on how to make one.

>>18786
Why not all three? My current plan involves a grenade and Remington 870 from my father, a noose, a bridge, xanax and alcohol. I don't intend to survive so multiple options combined reduces that risk.

It's too bad barbiturates are so hard to get. That would be so much easier.
I'll probably go with a nitrogen or helium mask.

I mustered up the courage to call my college's counseling office (which was extremely exhausting for me, both mentally and emotionally). But now that it's out of the way, I'll go see a mental health counselor there soon.
College counselors will be shitty for therapy stuff, and it's not like they'll be a shoulder to lean on or anything like that. However, they should be excellent for being able to change my situation at college to make it easier for me. I'm a socially-anxious, agoraphobic shut-in. I sometimes get panic attacks when I go to college. And don't even start with the "you're not a shut-in if you ever leave your room" bullshit. I don't have the privilege of being able to do nothing all day. It's either college or homelessness for me. Those are my only options.
Hopefully I'll be able to work out a customized education plan so that I can learn and get college credits without having to go to the massive campus, in classes with tons of people, with forced social interaction that makes me want to die. Maybe I'll be able to do one of those independent study things where you study on your own and only meet up with a professor once in a while to prove that you're learning the material.
Anything to get away from people.

>>18875
You're privileged in the fact that you are not depressed.

I'm getting rent assistance and other gubment bux soon. I'm going to make a headless torrent box to get my ratios up without having the desktop guzzle energy while I'm asleep.

>>18877
fuck you

>>18877
There are tons of people who actually need that money and don't receive any bux yet the government gives it to people who are going to use it to build computers for uploading pirated content

>>18876
Who said I wasn't?

>>18797
I went to a welding shop today with the intention of buying a nitrogen tank. I got scared and left.

I thought maybe you would just pick one up or something and bring it to the counter? I don't know. I didn't see any tanks sitting around, I think you have to ask the people working there. It was a small store and I was the only customer there. I started to panic a little.

They asked, "can I help you find anything?"
"n-n-n....no"
And then I left.

Fuck it, helium it is. Nitrogen tanks online all seem to be empty.

>>18895
If you die can I have all your stuff?

>>18896
I would but mailing my stuff would be too much effort.

>>18896
Not him, but I'll be checking out in ~7 months, maybe a bit more. I'll post a contact email then and give my stuff away to anyone here who wants it.

I overslept really hard. I originally woke up around 4AM or so, watched anime for 3 hours, eventually dozed off and only woke up again around 5PM. There's quite a bit of stuff I wanted to get done today, but oh well.

I just found out that I got paid today, meaning that I can buy some new stuff for the apartment I moved into this month, and also order some raw Manga off of YesAsia for 50 bucks or so.

The last two days were very nice because I'm on paid holiday this week and my 50Mbit Internet access went online on Monday.

It feels good not to be homeless and unemployed anymore.
The last 6 months were by far the most turbulent time of my life. Funny thing, it all started with a suicide attempt that went so horribly wrong that it ended up catapulting me back into a relatively normal life.

>>18909
Why would you put off killing yourself? I just don't understand, what would make you stay here after you've made the decision. You're dead in a sense, anyway. Nothing you do here will be of any importance once you do actually go through with it, so you might as well do it now, instead of later. Or, alternatively, postpone it indefinitely.

>>18909
I want your friendship and you cant give me that if you're dead :3c

>>18977
not that person but honestly things keep getting worse, I've even developed these weird sudden health problems out of nowhere last couple week. This and the weight of everything else I just can't take.

I'm staying alive right now for the slight hope that one day soon I'll feel normal in my body again and hopefully be able to move into somewhere else. But if this continues I can't live like this much longer so crippled in so many ways. I'm kind of afraid of the pain of death but I really do feel that at this point if it goes on like this it's best for me to just pull the plug on my life. If I do get better I'll probably be thinking about doing it anyways after living in my own little world for a while thinking about the handful of good things I remember about my life here. I think at some point I'm going to have to, it's pretty clear now I'm not suited for this place.

I finally got rid of my of my 2 last IRL shitty friends. I thought I would be sad but finally i'm better off alone.

>>19364
I went through a period where I cut ties with everyone I could afford to lose. I regret most of it today.

>>19366
If they didn't try to keep in touch with you or knowing how you were doing they weren't really your friends, unless you clearly stated that you wanted to be left alone.
I would often try to know if they were alright if I didn't see them on skype for a long period but it isn't reciprocal for me.

>>19370
Depends on your definition of friend, and where you draw the lines between acquainted, friend and good/best friend. No, I didn't have any "close" friends by the time I started cutting loose, but they very well could be - had I made an effort. I sum it up as a bunch of wasted opportunities and unnecessary levels of reclusion. I didn't know I would regret it later back then. I'm not saying you're making a mistake, it just pains me to see this behaviour. Then again I don't know you and your situation, so I apologise if my message is inappropriate due to ignorance,

>>19370
I say cut them ties, get over it and be cool about it. That's what I did anyways. It's not as dramatic as some people paint it. Felt like leaving that perspective.

I am inexplicably feeling really happy today. I haven't taken anything or eaten anything strange, the only unusual thing is that I haven't slept for a couple of days. It's really nice.

>>19413
You manic bro?

>the only unusual thing is that I haven't slept for a couple of days
Well then...

>>19415
This. Missing a night of sleep is known to have a short-term antidepressant effect.