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16627 No. 16627 [Edit]
Sometimes I wonder if I made the right choice when it came to anti-depressants.

I have had major depression since I was in elementary school, and was suicidal for about a third of that time. I was a mess, sure, and it got far worse with puberty, but I was very perceptive towards everything due to my sensitivity, and I used to be able to convey myself very easily through writing and music. It was my way to connect to people since I'm too messed up to really interact any other meaningful way (idle conversation does not interest me). I also used to feel things extremely easily, and I mean that in both an emotional and tactile sense - at times it felt like I could feel every cell in my body working individually.

Four years ago I was on a pretty high dosage of anti-depressants; I was on a low dosage about 6 years before that (10mg of Zoloft), but it didn't really affect me. I was on 120mg of Cymbalta (more than that for about a week) and it was to the point where I was throwing up because the dosage was so high and the lower doses would not work. It was absolutely miserable and physically I felt like complete shit while I was on it. And at some points I wanted to kill myself more than when I was not on it. ...And I just looked some stuff up, apparently my dosage was abnormally high. No wonder I was sick. Fucking doctors.

It "worked", though. I am dulled to a lot of things that I used to feel openly and freely. Physical sensation is extremely dull compared to what it used to be - I recently burned myself on the oven and I didn't feel a thing even though the burn hasn't healed after 10 days. And I still feel things, but they are only a fraction of what it used to be. Words and music die in my mouth and fingers.

What was the fucking point? I'm still a useless bum and now I can't even do the things that meant the most to me. I can't even blame other people at that point because I was old enough to make my own decision. But hey, at least I don't want to kill myself constantly. [/sarcasm]

Well, anyway. I was wondering if anybody else has had similar experiences, or maybe my post will warn people who wanted to get on anti-depressants of a possible outcome.
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>> No. 16628 [Edit]
I used to be on a massive cocktail of medications, but I realized it was fucking with my brain and emotions and everything so I decided to quit everything... not cold turkey, but doing a safe and gradual titration. My quality of life has vastly improved ever since getting off of medications.

Sure, it's easier for me to feel sad or anxious now, but I feel more in control and don't feel like a total zombified weirdo anymore. It's not always pleasant, but it's better than being fucked up on medication like I used to be.
>> No. 16632 [Edit]
I had the same experience. It's better to deal with your problems yourself rather than relying on pills.
>> No. 16633 [Edit]
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I don't believe in being medicated unless if you are either going to turn into a rabid animal or are going to off yourself as a result of not being on them.

Medication is really just a way for other people in your life to control you in a crude, half-assed fashion. They don't truly care about your well-being (even though they may expose that they are "doing what is best for you"); they simply reject your very personality and will shove pills down your throat to make you more obedient and manageable.

One time I was off of a medication for a little while, and I suddenly took the full dose. I ended up paralyzed in my bed, feeling suicidal and like my heart was going up my throat. When my father saw me like that, he just noted "how sweet" I seemed to be. This was when I was basically having a heart attack, and wanted to kill myself. I have yet to experience such pain and agony like that.

Moral of the story: even if others say that they want what is best for you (and perhaps sincerely believe that), only you can know what is truly best for yourself. People who say such things are really only thinking about what is best for them, not you, and will use that saying to manipulate you emotionally.

But hopefully you all knew that already.
>> No. 16637 [Edit]
Shit, nigger! that's not how you change root settings on a computer...
>> No. 16639 [Edit]
I'll admit to being very jealous. I haven't been on medication for three years and I'm still so dulled to everything. I wish I wasn't like this. I am not sure if this matters but when I did quit, I quit cold turkey - 120mg to nothing. It was very stupid and I was extremely sick for a week, throwing up and with a fever, but I had to get it out of me.

I was in the latter category that you mentioned but I still wonder if it was the right choice. Sure, I'm "functional" now (what a joke), but at what cost? I refused medication a lot at first but then I thought "oh what the hell I'll probably kill myself anyway, and if I don't maybe I'll get better, and it will get people to shut up" and started taking it.

If I had known it'd end up like this, I might not have done it. It's weird because I don't regret being alive right now, and I probably would have tried to kill myself a lot more if I hadn't taken them - but all the same, I miss my old self that is essentially dead. I guess he would have died in any case.

I also don't know if this is related to either depression or anti-depressants, but after I took them for about a year, I noticed that there are a lot of memories that are missing. It could well be that I'm repressing something but sometimes it bothers the hell out of me because I used to remember things so clearly and it's gone now. I want to blame it on the medication but I don't know if that's a thing that happens...

Sorry. I know there's no use in whining over this (it's all over, things can't change) but I really wanted to vent all of this somewhere.
>> No. 16667 [Edit]
I have been seeking help for my depression since I was 13. Forever ago. I am older than the typical early 20's here. I haven't had much luck and have about exhausted all the meds out there.

The only med that kinda helped so far was Effexor. The problem with that was fapping was a pointless endeavor. Almost impossible to finish. They don't really tell you about that side-effect.
Also the withdrawal form that shit was horrible. Like miss a day or two and you feel like shit bad.
>> No. 16669 [Edit]
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>Medication is really just a way for other people in your life to control you
>they simply reject your very personality and will shove pills down your throat to make you more obedient and manageable
Are you really going to use anecdotal evidence as something to base this sort of conspiracy theory on? I will agree that most psychiatrists don't give a fuck about your health, and it's a good idea to be wary of what they say and try to prescribe, but it's more of a matter of lack of concern than some control scheme.

There are a lot of people out there that don't feel like themselves unless they ARE on some sort of medication, but that shit isn't to be taken lightly. The odds of finding a compatible medication (especially with mental conditions) without having to go through several that have negative side effects is very low, and because of this risk, its something you really shouldn't try in the first place unless you're having moderate to severe problems functioning normally in the first place. For those that actually need help feeling normal again and manage to find a comfortable medication/dose to stick with, it can be a great boon.

You said it yourself: "only you can know what is truly best for yourself". I would advise anyone to weigh the pros and cons of attempting medication based on their individual situation over assuming that only the insane benefit from it.
>> No. 16671 [Edit]

I didn't say that taking medication is always a bad thing. And I also didn't imply that there is some sort of conspiracy.

I used my own experience because my experience alone makes it a fact that some parents truly do try to control their kids through medication and psychiatric diagnosis, rather than accepting them as they are. It is really just another form of abuse. Does this entail that other parents do this as well? No, but it doesn't stop cases such as myself from happening.

Something being anecdotal doesn't automatically invalidate the argument. There is science, and then there is reality. A lot of people like to think that what typically happens is the entirety of the truth, but it is just an approximation. Reality is made up of several instances and cases that do not fit the norm, but yet their truth is denied and rejected due to that.

In short, you should automatically assume that people are talking from their own individual perspectives. No one has perfect, objective knowledge of the truth.
>> No. 16672 [Edit]
My apologies then; I thought you were referring to attempts by psychiatrists to control patients (which seemed to me like a 'control the population' conspiracy) rather than parents to control their children, which I wouldn't doubt does happen today at increasing frequency. I agree with the rest of what you said.

Thanks for clarifying.

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