Chasing my dreams has become a habit ever since I slept on the streets for a little while after trying to take my own life. I'll never forget that time.

>>15881
Maybe I need an experience like this.

I think it was during the first year of college. Everyone I knew was following their goals and I realized I never had any.

I still want to live, but my aspirations died when I got cancer in my last year of high school.
I wasn't doing great before then, but I wanted to move out, I wanted to fund my quiet solitude and perhaps finally think seriously about who I was and who I wanted to be.
Well, I'm getting close to year six of being sick. I'm a deadweight, I have no passion left, and I've forgotten what it was like to think about the future.
Cheers!

It's been 5 years since I gave up on that kind of stuff. I never had any dreams, so I couldn't hold onto that and didn't really work up to anything since I didn't really want to do anything. I didn't put much thought into it either so I didn't really have much to look forward to in life. I think that I might've ended up being a NEET regardless of whether I had finished school or not. Sure as hell wouldn't have gotten a scholership to do anything and I would've likely have dropped out halfway through because of the lack of motivation to pursue a career or some type of thing that I'd want to do.

Well, at least I ended up getting NEET BUX after the whole mental breakdown thing, so that's better than dropping out of collage or being forced to work retail for the rest of my adult life.

I really hope I die soon or at least before my mother. I don't want to have to "face the world". There's nothing I want in this world. Even now I just feel like I'm wasting time being alive and that I don't have much of a purpose.

The moment I started playing MapleStory.

Haruhi, that accursed game.

>>16096
This I think would make for an interesting discussion. If MMORPGs, internet or whatever other modern vices you may be addicted to weren't available, would you really have turned out much different? I've seen people who jump into some nasty habit out of their own free will and then blame their downfall just on the thing existing in the first place. Someone might blame meth but have turned out an opium junkie anyways in the days of old when meth wasn't around due to lack of self control. Not implying you're one of those people of course since we don't know your background.

>>16112

Having been a borderline DXM addict, I know this feeling. You have to learn how to appreciate the real world and develop the highs and the mental imagery and insights from your own volition, instead of escaping into something that isn't real through chemistry. Most people don't have that discipline, or the insight. I didn't really have the insight until just recently, after DXM stopped working.

I don't regret my past habit because it opened up a lot for me, and sometimes making mistakes will lead to a better understanding of the world. Still, it is so easy to not have the wisdom and to nonetheless go further downward into the void of ignorance and desire.

Hopefully I made sense. I still have my intelligence (more or less) but admittedly I'm sort of in more than one train of thought.

>>16112
If it wasn't MapleStory for me, it would have been SSBM.

I got invited to play Maple at an interesting point of my life. I'm sure it was toward the beginning of my sophomore year in high school, but I never played it seriously then. Just when I had the time to when I wasn't wasn't hanging out with my friends. I quickly made friends in game and that compelled me more to play the game. Soon enough I was juggling real life with playing Maple, trying to find a good balance. I didn't own my own PC at the time. But I knew my grandma had one, so I often spent the night at her house to play more. I guess this is the first sign. I didn't care for my grandma or anything. I just wanted a computer for Maplestory. Its funny thinking about it now, playing on an ancient Pentium 2 with a dial up connection in 2006. The computer ran like SHIT but I got to play. By the next year I had so many friends online that I practically begged my mom to buy me my own computer. I was still doing fairly well in school, so she caved and did it.

I got a full blown addiction. Its not like I just completely cut off the outside world. I still talked to my friends at school and played Smash with my friends at our Game Club, but all the time after school and Game Club was in purely dedicated to Maple. At this point, I knew my online friends intimately, made some serious deep friendships and even dated some girls online. By the second relationship, I had already to neglect my real friends, my schoolwork, and I spent more and more time playing Maple.

Holy shit I just realized I'm writing a blog so I'll skip some shit. When I graduated high school, I realized that I had no plan in life. Never thought about what I wanted to do or where I wanted to go. All I wanted to do was go home and play more Maple. So I did. I played Maple 3 years after I got out of high school. I stopped talking to all my friends. I stopped thinking about taking higher education. My computer was a crap box so I couldn't play any other game. The only reason I still had a social life while playing was because I still went to school. With school over, I had no obligation to keep up with anything. I didn't develop any skills. I forgot almost everything I learned. I lost all interest in almost anything and everything. I developed a serious depression that I'm still dealing with today.

I played Maple for a total of 6 years and it completely ruined my life (as of now). I don't blame anyone other than myself.

>>16120


I almost had a similar thing happen to myself with FFXI. I didn't play it as long as long as you played Maple Story (maybe 2.5 years, give or take a few months), but because it was such a time sink and investment, all of my spare thinking went towards it. It literally required a minimum of 6 hours a day to make meaningful progress, so pretty much from 4 PM to 10 PM I'd be playing it. Because of the time sink and micromangement, it really fucked with my perception of time and I started to micromanage my time (oh shit, I only have 2 hours to play video games tonight fuck, and shit like that).

I've only recently started to get over my weird time issues. I guess it's because I've been done with school for a while now.

Sorry for the MMO derail. As for the OP, honestly, I dunno. I never really thought about it. When I was in high school, seeing myself "X Years in the future" was something I couldn't process. Maybe FFXI had something to do with it, but even if it did, it would only be a small percent. I guess it's just my laziness, indifference, and my current well-being and living situation is stable.

I'm more or less asocial both online and off, so I think that is the reason why I always preferred games that weren't multiplayer (with the exception of Phantasy Star Online). Reading how those types of games take over one's life, it is really for the best.

I actually have a friend who met his 3DPD from WoW. He moved from Florida to Idaho to live with her. Although she's nothing I'd settle for, he seems happy.

>>16115
I definitely agree. Hallucinogens have shown me interesting things, but they've also helped me appreciate sobriety in a way alcohol never could.

How were you a borderline addict? Were you doing it once or twice a week? It's not that unhealthy to do it that often but I'm glad you were able to be comfortable with your use (or lack of).

>>16135

I was starting to do it about twice a week, and then suddenly I lost the magic. I think that the medication I'm taking caused me to build up so much tolerance.

It has only been a couple of days since I quit but I think I've been getting worse. My emotional swings are worse and I have a headache that won't go away. I don't think that I'm permafried, but I'm damn close to it.

Either way, I'm staying away from drugs; they fuck with my brain too much. I'm not even fully comfortable with alcohol anymore. It has taught me that there are other things in life and that if I want an altered state of consciousness, I should use meditation and the like so that I "earn" it in a much safer fashion. But if I only knew how...