I'm dead inside.

How I wish I had that kind of a button somewhere within my arm's reach.

I wish I were dead.

I watched a homeless guy get killed on the subway once.

I was six.

>>12325
must have been fun.

>>12325
I saw a woman die in car accident when I was 13

When I was seven, OP. My father was taking my sister and me to school, or he was supposed to. He was feeling sick that morning and my mother gave him some tylenol and left. Well, I get my little sister into the car and wait for my dad to come out.
Well, he walks out onto the driveway and stops at his door. I'm in front of him, looking at him, and he has this sort of confused look on his face. I call out to him and he just falls backwards like a board. Could hear his head hit the pavement. I run over to his side and I'm making noise and starting to cry. His eyes are really glassy and he keeps looking past me and not focusing. He's mumbling to himself and keeps telling me I need to get into the car, over and over. His eyes sort of flitter and he's not really moving, and I'm just sitting next to him crying. My sister is too little to get what is happening, so she starts laughing, thinking it's a game. I remember yelling at her to stop, but she just laughs more. Blood and some other fluid start coming from his head, and I just don't know what to do. A few cars drive past, but I doubt any of them really see us. One eventually slows down, reverses a bit, then some people come running over. Ambulance shows up and I'm taken inside by a fireman. Questions, calms me down. I stay at an uncle's for a few days.
The day I get home is the day they're doing this sort of... I dunno, goodbye party. No one told me he was dead, so I run in and ask my mom where he is, and everyone nearby gets quiet and awkward. Mom kneels down and says the doctors tried their best and gave him the best medicine.. and I just sorta say "oh", and walk to my room. Obviously I cried a lot, when no one could see me.
Turns out he had a massive heart attack, then a concussion. The first ten minutes after a heart attack are crucial, and I spent them all crying next to him. Not much else to say.

>>12333
Jesus, that's awful

I die every single day multiple times.

>>12338
Jeepers ！

>>12338
Let me guess: when you exhale?

My Dad died this year. Funnily enough, he'd been a NEET for a few years and despite the fact that he really needed money, seemed pretty unwilling to work. Still makes me pretty sad, he was a good man. I'm utterly afraid of death, and I really hope there's a Haruhi or afterlife or whatever, because I just can't handle not existing.

>>12344
I wish I could stop existing.

>>12354
good news are: you can! (and you will)
bad news are: you can't first hand experience it.

>>12358
Oh boy, I can't wait!

I NEED TO FUCKING DIE!

Our dog died about a month ago. My dad took it really bad.

The idea of dying or death in general just doesn't concern me like it should. I imagine people would feel sad or lonely if they had good memories with their families and friends, only to have them cut short by the unfortunate death of said family or friend-- but not me. If someone close to me died, I wouldn't really care... of course, I would prefer it if they didn't die, as I benefit from their being alive and I care somewhat for their want to live. Dying I think is just another part of the grand scheme of things. If you die, so be it. I would also prefer it if people died the way they wanted to. With all that being said however; I haven't had anyone near me die. I just imagine that if they did, I wouldn't be moved emotionally. I'm guessing it's because I think death is a privilege, a sort of escape mechanism-- the ultimate gamble. I'm a firm believer that there is something beyond death. Whether it be Gensokyo or chilling out with ghosts, the idea is exciting. I also think this apathy comes from the fact that when I was a kid, I've seen random people die. In front of my eyes and through a screen, people dying gruesomely, by accident, or peacefully, I was never really phased by any of that.

>>12471
My grandfather died when I was in senior year of HS. I felt a little sad but in hindsight that was probably evryone around me being all emo. I was relatively stable.

>>12291
Tell me your story of your own death please.

>>12325
Tell me more

My mom died yesterday. I don't know what caused it yet. We live in a two room apartment so we have a single bedroom with a couple beds in it. I woke up at what must have been about 4am and I was only half awake still. Something was itching at me though and after seemed like eternity I opened my eyes and forced myself up. It hit me then that it was extremely quiet because I couldn't hear anyone breathing. She was still laying under her covers and everything as if she was asleep. It took a few minutes to even register with me before I called a hospital. Paramedics came and took her body away. They seemed really nonchalant about it, but I figure they must deal with dead people often enough. One of them stayed behind to ask me some questions and stuff. I could barely get through it, and she was all-business on me. I hated it. They have no respect at all, or even sympathy. I haven't slept or eaten or done anything since. Coming here was the first thing I could get into my head to do.

>>12509

I am truly sorry. I hope you and your family are OK

>>12509

That's terrible. Hang in there man.

>>12509
Your post has made me become afraid of losing my mom.

I know that saying "Sorry" won't make you feel any better, but I don't know what to say.

I don't know what to do. I can't have my mother die yet. I want to die before her so I don't have to experience that.

>>12513

I don't want to deal with losing my parents, but I don't want my parents to deal with losing me either. Maybe a gas leak will kill us all and everyone wins

>>12509
;_;
I don't know what to say man...

Are you going to be okay? I am sure no one here wants to lose you too. I can't even imagine what you are going through.

>>12291
one of the guys in this video grew up in a poor area too so
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lA4R84xfLOQ&feature=relmfu

>>12513
>>12515
>>12512
>>12511
Thanks, it actually means something to hear it from guys like you. I'm hanging in there best I can. I'm drowning out the silence with whatever music I can.

>>12510
My mom worked 60 hours a week on near-minimum wage to keep us in a 2 room apartment. She isn't leaving many things behind. I'm not sure how to handle the inevitable money issues. I just assumed she'd be there smiling as she broke her back for me 6 days a week. I'm terrible, I hate myself.

>>12518
Have you thought about moving in with someone?
I'm sure if it came down to it and you had no where else to go, someone here would give you a place to stay for a while.

>>12509

That's really tough, I can't imagine how it feels...You have my sympathies, for all they are worth.

>>12519
I don't know anyone aside from my father. To say the least about him, he kicked my mom out of the house and then me a month later before saying he wanted a divorce.

If someone on tohno were to offer a place to stay I probably wouldn't say no, however it's an unrealistic option I think. I think most people here have enough trouble on their own or live with family. Not to mention we come from all over the place.

Dude I was living with died like a week ago.
went to the funeral today. Sorry to say I wasn't that bothered by it, I really wasn't close to the guy at all, but he did live a good long life, had his 97th birthday less than a month ago. Spent most of the funeral ether half asleep or trying to play along with whatever religious mumbojumbo was going on.

Post edited on 15th Nov 2012, 11:25pm

>>12586
I remember that you mentioned something like that a while ago. Hopefully he didn't leave you with any debt.

>>12587
about 13k worth actually.

>>12588
My sweet Mikus.

The whole idea of death makes me feel so sick that I want to cry. It makes me hate all of existence and wish I was never born.

>>12591
But you don't have to worry about it. Death's not going to kill you for not getting your panties in a bunch over him.

>>12592
That's not it. From what I understand, when you die there's nothingness. No thought, no stimuli, no nothing. The fact that I'm going to have to experience this one day, and then for the rest of time, makes me feel a pit in my stomach.

>>12593
But you don't have to experience it, because you won't exist. How'd you feel back in the 19th century? Surely not too bad. You're just returning to the regular state of your existence.

>>12593
But you're not going to have to experience it. There's no experience or you in that idea of death. The only sad partnof death is that you lose all memory of who you were, but if you can't even exist to be sad about the fact then it's not sad at all. It's not anything. It's just death.

>>12596
Yes that's such a strange thought, so strange that we as humans can't even comprehend such a experience as we're alive here. No emotion, no perception, and no memory. I at least hope that after I die I am not sent back here in a different body on earth because there is no way after going through what I have in this life that I would ever want to start over somewhere else. That would be my worst nightmare, to all of a sudden after feeling at peace for once my fucking eyes open again and I'm a crying newborn baby being pushed through some different mother's cunt. I feel sorry for the mother that is going to have me next if reincarnation does happen because I'll still be the same soul in a different body ready to grow up to be another fuck up that will completely ruin their family. You know maybe that is why babies cry so much when they are being born, they're remembering their last life for the last time before living the one they were just born into and they're just thinking "not this shit again".

>>12597
Not necessarily. And keep in mind that souls don't exist. Maybe you'll be reborn as a pretty girl. And because you'll be subject to a different type of cultural conditioning and different genes, you'll be the most confident and sexy loli around.

>>12595
>>12596
I know I won't have to experience it, and that's what's so scary about it to me. There will be no more experiencing anything anymore. I've tried to bring myself to a different world view, but I just can't.

>>12615
It's ok, we're all human here. We can't even comprehend a state of total nothingness.

During final year of primary school they had a program where my grade would help the grade 1's to read. Basically it was canceled because my "little buddy's" mother decided to gas her, her siblings and herself in a car. I don't even remember her name but I remember her face, so I suppose that's something.

Also, my father was in care for as long as I can remember for a head injury. He died when I was 16 from pneumonia from being kept in bed too long by shitty lazy nursing staff. Fucking retarded that he died like that after having been committed twice and force fed when he stopped eating.

>>12843
Oh Haruhi, those poor children. Also I'm sorry to hear about your father. My relative in France is in a similar situation- shes stuck in a permanently comatose state because of ion imbalances caused by imcompetent hospital staff when she was admitted for an unrelated problem. If you can help it, avoid going to the hospital. They don't give a shit about you there.

>Aged people who have outlived their usefulness and whose life is a burden both to themselves and their relatives are put to death by stabbing or strangulation...

>People seeking assistance in their suicide made three consecutive requests to relatives for help. Family members would attempt to dissuade the individual at each suggestion, but with the third request by a person, assistance became obligatory...

> [In addition] a common response to desperate conditions and the threat of starvation was infanticide.

SOURCE: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Inuit

I don't know if this is the right place to put this? I don't even know if I should be putting this anywhere. Someone I've been speaking to for a while said a few days ago he was going to kill himself. He hasn't been online at all, I asked him to give me his real name and all but I don't know if/how I should use that to find out if he really did. How many people here are going to kill themselves?

I'm hoping he just stopped going online, but I guess he's might really be dead now. Right now I keep telling myself that if I draw some good stuff or do something, something will happen that will make this all worthwhile. If I get to be his age without anything important happening I might follow right behind him.

This isn't really comparable to all the things you guys post here, but I guess somebody died. Sooner or later my parents and other people I know are going to die too. Some online probably have without my knowing it.

Our lives and deaths are meaningless.

http://www.eso.org/public/images/eso1242a/zoomable/

>>12982
>They don't give a shit about you there.
They don't give a shit about you anywhere though? Am I right? Heh.

I found my mothers three weekish (no one knows how long she was dead) old corpse earlier this year. I'm trying to write her eulogy right now.

Same guy btw. I am an Albatross.