I know it's kind of an internet cliche to say this, but... are you me? I seriously could have written those exact words myself (and accompanied by a still from one of my favorite movies, no less).
I've spent the better part of the last 4 years sabotaging my own life. Deep down, I don't want to grow or change or live. I'm terrified of the future and growing old. I'm strongly drawn to the "ill girl" archetype that's so popular in Japanese media; that perfect embodiment of unchanging purity, unrealized potential, stories that end before they ever really began.
So I started to behave as if I never had a future. Stopped eating, dropped out of school, forgot about pursuing a career or a home or a family. I used to be a pretty competent pianist; I haven't bothered practicing in a long time. I used to be a voracious reader; now I just stare at my computer screen all day, blankly, maybe glancing at YouTube now and then or watching some anime. I've actively ruined my own life, and all because I've lost track of what was beautiful to me.
There's a German word, Sehnsucht; roughly, it means something like "longing," but with the connotation that the desired object is something mysterious and uncannily familiar and beautiful. It's unmistakably bittersweet, a warm sadness or tearful gladness that one has caught a glimpse of what is indescribably precious- your original Home, or the voice of a childhood friend, or a snowy landscape that you know you've gazed on before but just can't put your finger on it. And the rest of the world becomes so dull and lifeless, and you can't move forward and you can barely function, because nothing "out there" will satisfy your need for what seems irretrievably lost.
So I'm still alive, and I'm still looking for answers, and I'm doing my best to not end my life before I figure this thing out. I might have to work full-time soon; the thought makes me sick to my stomach. My deepest, darkest, most selfish wish is to become deathly ill and waste away in a drug-induced haze. As it stands, I'm going to have to cope with the fact that I'm a healthy young man with a lot of time ahead of me.
Sorry for the novel. Your post resonated with me a lot. Thank you.