Probably something to do with the whole having biploar disorder and social anxiety thing, but I keep feeling like I'm constantly wavering between being happy and upbeat enough to want to keep trying and do something with my life and being a panicked mess depressed enough to shut myself up in my room all day and fuck around on the computer without really giving a shit about anything.
So far, I've tried going back to college 3 times in the last 3 semesters and dropped out within the first week of all of them. When I tried going to class last, I ended up in such a panic that I started freaking out and crying right then and there in the middle of a lecture hall of at least 100-some people.
Basically, I really want to just give up and accept being a NEET, but I always end up on the same short, happy-go-lucky, overoptimistic, hypomanic high and think, "What the hell, I should keep trying with life/school/blahblahetc.", then I later realize I have no solid motivation, lost contact with any friends I've had, hate meeting new people, and probably wouldn't have much of a life to go back to even if I could sit in a classroom for more than five minutes without having a fucking panic attack.
My psychiatrist's tried damn near every applicable medication in the book and then some, so I'm pretty much out of options there as well. Not much to do but sit around waiting to die miserably in my mother's house, on account of being too much of a pussy to end it myself, with the occasional trying to get back on my feet and inevitably failing over and over. Fuck.
/pissing and moaning
Post edited on 21st Sep 2012, 5:29am