I'm not dead yet

I've been shitting while sleeping for the last ~3 years. The doctor said that it stops within 2 years in 90% of cases, so that's great.

It's not that bad, though.

>>11890

sounds shitty!!!

That it seems I can't go on living like this for much longer (and aftermath is terrifying).

Feels like everyone are just dumbass insufferable NPCs in a shitty game I don't want to play. I can't relate to anyone. I don't have the same interests and opinions as anyone else, likes dislikes and so on. best I got is this place but even people here piss me off often times. I don't even think it's possible to find anyone on this planet I can completely relate to. knew a guy online for years who was like the only person I know who wasn't a complete dumbass and actually had some common sense, even we didin't agree on everything, the guy lost interest in anime and pretty much all jap stuff, and our conversations would often times drag on, but I still kinda miss the guy. he's not dead or anything, just left TC and now there's nothing to talk about becuase neater of us have lives.
I hate most people, think they're all disgusting, but not so sure if my problem is humanity or if the problem is with my own unwillingness to conform to a community, be that community offline or online.
Jesus, I sound like one of the whiny pretentious emo fagots I can't stand in the first place. fuck me.

Still trying to get over my social anxiety that came from having speech problems. I'm lazy as fuck as well.

>>11889
This.

Also, the only thing that I want and am actually excited for in this shitty life is some shitty video game console. I want it badly.

I've become consumed with the thought of having one and want my chances of obtaining one to be as close to 100% as possible. This includes dealing with shitty 3DPD shit, sacrificing hours of comfort to stand as an exhibition in front of a ton of 3DPD who will laugh and insult me, and last, but not least, the chance of being mugged by some cock sucker.

I'd rather die with the thing in my hands than hand it over. That is the only thing I want since it is something I can possibly obtain without being too inferior or stupid of obtaining.

I just want to forget that I exist with it as I pour my worthless life into it.

I know that making this thing my obsession isn't going to make my life any better, but I don't want to live all that much, I don't want much of what other people want. The only reason I'm alive is a mixture of me being a coward and because I feel that I have to help my mother until I become entirely useless for her. Until then, this thing should bring me a little bit of happiness better than anything else out there as there is nothing for me.

Probably something to do with the whole having biploar disorder and social anxiety thing, but I keep feeling like I'm constantly wavering between being happy and upbeat enough to want to keep trying and do something with my life and being a panicked mess depressed enough to shut myself up in my room all day and fuck around on the computer without really giving a shit about anything.

So far, I've tried going back to college 3 times in the last 3 semesters and dropped out within the first week of all of them. When I tried going to class last, I ended up in such a panic that I started freaking out and crying right then and there in the middle of a lecture hall of at least 100-some people.

Basically, I really want to just give up and accept being a NEET, but I always end up on the same short, happy-go-lucky, overoptimistic, hypomanic high and think, "What the hell, I should keep trying with life/school/blahblahetc.", then I later realize I have no solid motivation, lost contact with any friends I've had, hate meeting new people, and probably wouldn't have much of a life to go back to even if I could sit in a classroom for more than five minutes without having a fucking panic attack.

My psychiatrist's tried damn near every applicable medication in the book and then some, so I'm pretty much out of options there as well. Not much to do but sit around waiting to die miserably in my mother's house, on account of being too much of a pussy to end it myself, with the occasional trying to get back on my feet and inevitably failing over and over. Fuck.

/pissing and moaning

Post edited on 21st Sep 2012, 5:29am

I'm a piece of shit and I suck at living

>>11894
I feel the same way and guess what I am whiny loser that doesn't fit anywhere in society.

My problem is that I can't do anything involving living on my own so I'm naturally fucked right from the start because of being mentally inferior. Then comes the fact that most people seem to hate me just for existing and no one I like wants to be anywhere near me. Even most of my family thinks I'm insane and have turned against me but just keep around because they have to and I feel bad for leeching off my father so much. Being anything but sexually normal also makes my life a living hell with even less options. I'm so pleasure deprived that it kills me if being useless isn't at the time. Everyone also the wrong image of me in their head and everything I say is taken as a joke. Anytime I have a problem I'm either laughed at or people get mad at me but when anyone else has issues all of a sudden it's real as fuck.

>>11901
I don't actually have bipolar disorder but I feel the same. If only I could give up all hope, things would suck less.

Not being able to have sex with Elena Peoples using that outfit is what my problem is, OP.

My father keeps telling me I need to "do something on the internet", as in a job. I feel like my parents tolerance of me being worthless is getting thinner and thinner, and seeing as I don't want to be alive anymore in the first place (much less work a torturous job to keep living) it's looking like my time to end it is getting closer. Why can't I just fall asleep and not wake up

>>11906
Yeah I know exactly what you mean. When I say something people don't like they jump all over me for it and wont let me have an opinion. even when I'm just backing up what people have already previously spoke out about negativity, people will still jump all over me for it. (such as having the nerve to not like endless-8 over on /an/for example ) I've already given up on the idea of anyone liking me long ago. everyone grows to hate me sooner or latter. no reason to even care anymore with people being shit. It would be nice to have someone to talk to other than myself, I can only hope some decent AI gets developed before I kill myself. just like you said, I'm also surrounded by condescending fucks who think I'm insane and only pretend to agree with the shit I say, then make fun of me for it when they think I'm out of earshot.
I wish I could support myself and live alone, but I can't hold down a job becuase I'll just get fired sooner or latter for my incompetence. and there's no way I'm going back to school, even if I wasn't stupid and could actually retain some information, there's no way I'm dealing with that shit again.

Post edited on 21st Sep 2012, 1:59pm

EVERYTHING

I'm really anxious about my future. And have been for the past ten years, at least. Also, I have no friends, but I can bear with that one.

>>11923
I don't know how well an AI would work for me if I lived up to a point where I can have one. The thought that I'm just interacting with a programmed thing would always be in the back of my mind. Maybe if actual virtual reality is developed I can do literally anything I want in I would be happy. Besides that I don't know what can make me happy that I can ever possibly have.

I find 3D people boring. Everything they do is like watching ants all day. They're not special in any way. So things like going out to the beach, or party, or "hang out" are boring. Not because I hate those activities, but because the people I'd do them with are boring; the activity itself means nothing.

Of course, I am boring. I accept that. Even them ants find their lives more interesting than mine, obviously. It's just that what they call "having fun" it's nothing to me.

My brain only works when I think about hentai.

I can concentrate for hours drawing, looking for artists, hunting releases, etc.
But when I try to think about non-lewd things my brain shuts down. I think I'm mind broken.

>>11952
I'm kind of the same way. I spend hours a day looking through pixiv for cute girl pics but most other things I do I lose interest in quick and need to do them in short bursts.

I'm constantly afraid my computer is going to die. I hear a single noise inside or have a program problem and I start freaking out. It doesn't help that I know nothing about computers, so once the warranty on it runs out next year I will be all alone if something goes wrong. I'm planning on getting a laptop later this year so that should dull my worry a little bit because I'll have a backup, but still.

>>11954
Oh I have this paranoia too. I had a lot of virus experiences in the past but now that I have a lot more security on my pc including a lot of security add on's in Firefox I'm safe. I also need to back up my data to an external HD soon. But still I get so paranoid that one day I will turn on my computer and load up my desktop only to see a virus has trashed everything or my hardware fails. The PC isn't that old and a family member helped build it custom for me (end of 2010 I got it). I wish I could have a just as powerful back up PC too. I hear one wierd noise I don't normally hear from the thing and I panic for a few seconds.

>>11955

I don't worry about viruses much because I do all my internet browsing in a sandbox. One time I got an Ask.com toolbar for no reason (which are a pain in the ass to get rid of apparently) and all I had to do was empty the sandbox and it's gone.

I have a complete lack of direction in life, and I can't adapt or relate to society as a result. I'm sure many here know the feeling all too well.

>>11960
The song remains the same, nothing new of course but what else can we do besides bitch and moan about how the world seems to have death wish against us anyways? I know staying here week after week is like watching a dog chasing its tail.

>>11957
The last infection I got was a rouge anti-virus on Christmas morning as soon as I turned on the computer. I have no idea how that happened.

>>11968

You had probably gotten it before and it just started showing on that day.

>>11972
Yeah probably a time bomb virus because shortly after that I got even more which completely fucked the pc but luckily someone in my family was able to get it back up and running.

My problem is mainly >>11944

The things I enjoy doing are watching anime on my computer, playing weird niche games (at least for the West, SMT counts as weird), reading history, listening to and playing music and drinking (alone, and usually at the same time.) None of those activities are considered "normal and healthy" for a man my age. I'm supposed to be at the beach or the club or some fucking place. I'd rather drown in pig shit than live a life like that.

I guess people like us were always meant to live solitary lives. Most people won't ever understand us.

My problem? I have no energy. I find even moving my fingers to be a huge chore, so even typing takes a lot of energy. When do get around to doing things I burn out in about a minute and end up sleeping for the rest of the day.

See this post? It's burned all my energy. Now I have to go back to sleep.

I can't die. I really, really want to die, but I can't. Simply because I made the mistake of buying figures and a dollfie modeled after my waifu whom I pretty much treat like a real human being. I would be fine if somehow she was burnt along me or blasted to bits in the building I was in or something like that, but I don't think I can set up a scenario like that and die knowing that she might've survived. I have no family or friends that can bury her with me if I get a funeral or burn her in the incinerator along with my corpse. I thought about it really, I'm willing to live just so I can keep my treasures but what happens if I die from other things? What will happen of my precious belongings? I really don't like the sight of them rotting in some garbage dump. The only solution I can pretty much think of is destroy my belongings, make sure they're gone forever, and then die afterwards. Somehow, I can't put myself to do that.

>>11977
I always think about that too. But my only treasured belongings besides a computer which is replaceable as long as it is as good as the one I have or better and has everything that was on the last and my old stereo system connected to it is my music collection. I wonder what will happen to that when I'm gone or if anyone would actually give anything in it a listen. I wonder when I'm gone if anyone would go through my hard drive on my computer? When I die I probably won't even have what little is left of my family already around anymore besides some more cousins around my age or if by chance my parents are still alive they will be too old to care about any of it and would definitely rather forget I ever existed at all.

It will be cool when I die because when my parents poke through my external harddrive they will find all my anime, and they will probably try to play it in a way where the subs won't be shown. They will think I knew Japanese and never told them

>>11985
I think along the same lines. Except it's with all of my shitty writing instead of anime.

>>11985
the subs don't come on by default?

>>11987
maybe it's changed now, but years ago when I just started watching anime I tried to use WMP and it didn't display subs. WMP is probably what my parents would use

>>11988
are the files associated with windows media player by default? I don't know your parents but I think a normal person would just double click the file

>>11989
>are the files associated with windows media player by default?

they would be on my father's computer, which is probably what they would use to poke through my external

>Tell me what your problem is.

The lack of everything actually, if you are not going down to "look how lucky you are, you have all your limbs and no huge visible disability".

Starting from intelligence, to motivation, to character, to personality, everything.

I might as well turn back to being 14 again, won't change much.

I came out of my room to take my plate down and heard my mother at the bottom of the stairs talking about me to a Connexions worker. They want to try and make me work.

I don't know what to do now. The prospect of having to go outside and go to speak with them makes me feel sick.

>>11989
The anime in my computer is really disorganized in terms of file types and some folder have more than one sub group source. Sometimes
I use Real Player or this program called Miro to play .mkv files. WMP has a lot of issues on my computer for some reason, so I hate using it. But if the quality is good enough to watch and I can read it I don't care. My parents probably wouldn't know how to get to where I store my media anyways since it is all organized in a folder that isn't the basic My Pictures, My Music, and My Documents folders.

My problem is there's nothing to do when I'm on my stimulants anymore.
Kanji was the best thing ever, but I already have over 2900 in anki. Anything else is just obscure shit I'll never see. Then there's no words in my notepad I use for example sentence time. Chinese would be dumb to start since my Jap output is still really low.
I thought about checking out programming but there's not much actual use I can get out of it.

Any tohno goers have a suggestion for interesting to learn?

Then my second problem is when my medicine runs out but I'll worry about that later.

I'm just dissatisfied with the way this society is structured. It not normal. It's abnormal.

>Imagine a society that subjects people to conditions that make them terribly unhappy, then gives them the drugs to take away their unhappiness. Science fiction? It is already happening to some extent in our own society. It is well known that the rate of clinical depression had been greatly increasing in recent decades. Instead of removing the conditions that make people depressed, modern society gives them antidepressant drugs. In effect, antidepressants are a means of modifying an individual’s internal state in such a way as to enable him to tolerate social conditions that he would otherwise find intolerable.
TK

My problem is that it feels like my life is literally cursed somehow. Everything seems to go completely wrong in it when things are just about to get back on track like a waterfall of never ending misery and life stalling events. It started many months back and it's just getting worse. It all started with me feeling normal one day and all of sudden I was cutting wood outside and took an axe to the foot and was ruined for over a month. Shortly after I was just about to get on my feet again a family member close to me and my father died, a week of misery for him and much more of the family on his side resulted. Then I feel into a random hole of depression for over a month, it was physically ruining, this followed by many ruined weekends of rain and storms. Soon after I recently I got sick out of nowhere making me miserable once again. Thursday I just started to get better and today I woke up feeling great and ready to start my life back up. But then all of a sudden my pc randomly turned off and won't turn back on again and I need to get it fixed (hardware problem most likely). Now I'm pissed off and miserable again. I'm typing this from a computer in the basement, there is a storm going on outside that hopefully won't make everything lose power. Next week m mother will really be pushing me to get a job, how perfectly timed FOR WHEN I WAS JUST ABOUT TO HAVE EVERYTHING I NEED AND BACK UP MY HARD DRIVE SO I CAN GET A JOB WHILE STILL BEING AT EASE! I swear it is like something unseen is trying to bring me down to my knees and make me commit suicide, how is this fucking possible. Everything has been going so wrong that it's completely unrealistic. Is something playing a game with me right now? Is something testing how far it can fuck with me before I snap? I just want to be able to live normally in peace alone and do what I gotta do, is that too much to ask for?

>>12032
I know how it feels. I think normal people would say that you are supposed to see it as a challenge and enjoy the challenge and overcoming it.

But I don't see anxiety as and enjoyable challenge to overcome. Anxiety feels horrible, it physically hurts in your chest. Plus there is the worry that all these years as a hiki have made me less mentally robust and less able to cope with even the mildest of challenges.

Some people just seem to easily take challenges and life hurdles all in their stride, they don't let these things stop them or get them down. Wereas I have let them totally overwhelm me to the point that I have spent the last 10 years as a hiki in isolation avoiding them.

>>12037
I try to overcome them but they never end and they are the kind of challenges that only stall my life and keep me down. One goes down and another comes up putting me right back where I started.

Nothing seems to ever interest me. I can't get excited or feel positively about something.
All the paths I've ever tried to take seem to have no point at all.

Clinical depression, anxiety and paranoia. Likely to get hit by schizophrenia in a few years, too, because my genes are fucking wonderful. The depression is mostly solved, but the paranoia still prevents me from making any online friends, or getting involved in any kind of online community that isn't anonymous. I've tried, a few times, but either I don't feel close enough to them (they have an established reputation or plenty of other friends) or I feel they're getting too close, I start worrying, and I turn on them.

>>12032
Don't acknowledge it. Don't give it a name or anything. That'll only make things worse.

>>12067
I get like that too, like I'm some outsider in their super cool, tightly connected friend circle. Then when I get close to them I all of a sudden start focusing on everything we disagree to an extreme extent and hesitate wanting to be friends with almost all of them.

I've just come off of smoking weed for 6 days straight. I feel like absolute shit. This morning I was on shitbookand came across a singles hook-up page dedicated to people who live in my small town. One woman in her mid 30's wouldn't stop posting about how she wanted a sperm donor so she could have a child, nobody was replying. I checked out her page and it was full of updates by her expressing in not too friendly terms how much she hates herself because of her mental illness.

I was recently diagnosed as bi-polar, and I feel my family slipping away. Right now all I want to do is hold my mother and never let go, just have a big ol' cry. The human race is so huge and so impossible and so intricate, it scares me so much.

>>12070
That sounds like exactly what happens to me.

>>12115
Right now I am as low as it gets emotionally, the only thing keeping me from suicide right is a faint hope that I'll get something I really need right now back. And one of the big problems right now is my family completely falling apart. There is no hope for it anymore. All of the people around my age and lower besides 2 rich cousins are fucked no matter what they do.

Even if I feel really sorry for my parents, when I am around them I completely shut them out. I just want to jump.

I've started losing all touch with reality.
People talk to me and I ignore them. Nothing that ever happens can stimulate me somehow. I constantly want to hide somewhere and sit there quietly.
I'm more dead than I've ever been.

I feel like a ghost sometimes too, especially since lately I haven't even had a computer bringing my mood to such s low point that until I get it back I just want to sit in silence on the floor. Yesterday I was doing some yard work and someone asked if they could walk through my backyard. It was the most awkward stare down of my life after all I managed to say was "sure" for the next minute or two.

Hemorrhoids, they're grating on my nerves.

I finally started smoking pot the other day to see if it would make me feel less anxious and unhappy and it's not working at all. This was my last hope and now I fear the rest of my life more than ever

>>12868
You need more than just drugs, you need experiences to go with them. You probably wouldn't get much out of doing anything unless it causes you to completely lose your mind without some other external stimulation like music or something to do. The problem doesn't lie with you being in a terrible state of mind completely, it mostly has to do with doing something with your life. You don't have any release besides drugs, just got find something else to help you get by along with them. Something to keep you going.

>>12870
Looks like suicide is all I have then, I hope I can get up the courage one day

I am bored, unsatisfied, and unhappy.

I want to die.

>>11888
I am 22 and stuck at home with my mother and grandmother, i have an associates' degree and can't find a job, i cannot go wander around the place random times of night, get shitfaced or bring people overnight because other people are here, Haruhi forbid things like toking up a joint, etc. So no mumbling to myself, wandering around, etc.

>>12007
fucking learn chinese, it's more practical nowadays. Or failing that, Russian/Ukrainian/ Or Spanish (if livign in US)

I'm in a lot of pain (more like extremely annoying pain that just gets in the way, will heal in no time but damn every day feels like forever) and when I'm in pain I can't have people around 24/7 that stick their nose into my business constantly. How annoying they are is amplified when I'm in pain, my mother and father are at home right now. They will not fuck off and let me take care of myself. They will both probably be home tomorrow and Tuesday. I can't wait till later next week when everything goes back to normal and my mother and father go back to work. Whenever my mother even knows I'm injured in any way at all she is all over me and she gets mad at me for it still hurting and not getting better almost immediately. Don't ask me why, she's a real brain damaged psycho bitch and she blames me for everything.

I am lazy and I cover it up by lying about my mental health to extremes.
My parents think I am a deeply depressed schizophrenic who hasn't been happy a day in his life.

One of my therapists (current one) thinks I am mildly depressed, dysthymia I think, with adult ADD.
My last therapist thought I was a schizoid of some sort.

I want to stop lying but I can't. I even lie about what I talk to my therapists about. It just gets deeper and deeper and when it all comes tumbling down I'm going to have to take the brunt of it.

I feel unable to articulate my frustration with life.

MY strongest emotions are anger and depression. I can get easily thrown in either with little or nothing to lead me into them.

I wish I were dead.

I just had a family intervention. It was absolutely brutal; everything from how I have wasted my last few years studying a business degree and not getting a job with it to how I will be a failure in life if I don't make $90k/year by the time I am 30 because my hypothetical wife would leave me if I failed to do so.

I am not even unemployed, I just work casually at the moment looking to move to a better job and working my way up from there. But the family expects me to get into the finance industry and make mega bucks to afford that house, car, wife and children. I would be lying if I said I haven't thought about disowning my family once I am financially independent. Their expectations and the resulting pressure is killing me.

Post edited on 22nd Mar 2013, 8:47am

>>13682

If I were you I'd move out as soon as I could afford it.

There aren't many things that disgust me as much as parents try to live their children's lifes.

>>13682
My family doesn't even bother thinking about me personally much thankfully and is really falling apart. Many are having money problems, the people around my age are moving on, some have died, others have health problems, and the rest are just plain getting old. Nothing in my family is lively anymore, it's just a bunch of old, sad people desperately holding on to old traditions that don't work anymore because it's all they got left. Family gatherings or parties that used to be at least fun sometimes are now so small and quiet I wonder why we bother to have them at all anymore. Just imagine a group of sad, broken people sitting in total silence around a table of food as someone tries to liven up things with cheap laughs or talking about what new video games or whatever they bought. There's occasional small talk but that's it in a nutshell, it's such a sad sight. I wouldn't continue this ruined family even if I could. No one even wants to waste their energy getting mad at me but when I was much younger they had that "special plan" for me in their heads also.

>>13682
Your family is living in the past. The wife, 2.3 kids, and a white picket fence dream is long gone. That wife is just going to divorce you when your hair starts falling out and take half of your everything. So many soulless harpies out there, and strict social mores no longer force them to behave with any sort of honor or dignity. The nuclear family is already past its halflife.

>>13712
The 'nuclear family' was artificial even from the beginning. It was mainly something fosted/created as a norm in 1950s white americans who lived in suburbs. And even then it was a bit limited among THOSE people.

You think your white immigrant or black slave ancestors lived in a house with two parents and 2.3 kids? LOL NO.

I don't really have a problem. I don't like people and completely avoid social contact. But I'm okay with that. I don't work or earn money, but I also spend next to nothing and don't need it. I'm okay with that. I'm depressed and sometimes suffer from panic attacks, but I'm okay with that.

It has come to the point where I care about nothing anymore. I don't even care about caring, if you know what I mean. I feel like I'm completely done with life. Like I was sleeping, but then noticed I was dreaming. Now I'm just waiting for death to wake me up.

I have problem behaving myself in shops when looking for stuff on the shelves. I mean usual shops with counter and clerk, not self-service. When I come to new shop, I usually look through all existing shelves before asking for something I need, simply out of curiosity and to learn about assortment. But then it comes to last unexplored are - shelves near and behind the clerk standing at the counter and looking at me the whole time (worst thing if I am alone in the shop at the time, no other visitors). How do I look at these shelves, if clerk is standing there? S/he will think I look at her/him, wanting to make an order, while I just want to look. The worst kind is I can't even know if s/he looks in my direction at any given time, unless I make eye contact myself.

>>13768
I get that too like I'm being silently watched and judged as I walk around aimlessly looking for something I want. I feel like I have to be as quick as possible or the person working there would get pissed off at me. I also have problems checking things out at the counter or adding them right there. I have to stop being self conscious sometimes and realize the person working there doesn't care what I get or how I get it as long as I pay and get out quickly. "shit better hurry and make this decision on what drink and snack I want or the person working is gonna be pissed!" kinda thing.

Socialists, the fact that the white race is going extinct, the fact that the economy will never improve because keynsianism. The fact that if I work hard it goes to support Ahmed and his 27 loin-spawn and even worse the fact that the money to pay for him is taken pretty much at gun point.
I got asperges, so I get Disability Living allowance, so I don't really have to work and if I did it'd go to the parasites, so why bother when I can live a life of hedonism?

>>1417
But if you worked then your money would also go to neets and people who get Disability Living allowance.

>>14174
You get money just for that? You certainly wouldn't here. Aspergers is by definition highly functional autism. Emphasis on the highly. There's still professional debate over whether it should be even considered a 'real' disorder. Real asspies don't look at it as a life-crippling diagnosis either. Since it's mild, there's nothing really stopping you from going into society if you want to. Of course you can stay high and arrogant though and shame many successful, contributing people (engineers, doctors, scientists etc.) with mild autism.

>>14193
>You certainly wouldn't here.
Where is "here"?

>>14195
Canada. They don't just give you an income for it in Oz either. Need to be more autistic. You'll have subsidized/free access to medical support but no meal ticket to lounge about indefinitely.

>>14188
Well this is true, it's more of a pride issue, I won't get to own anything via the sweat of my own brow, everything I have will be stolen given to me from others.
>>14193
I feel your pain my commonwealth brother, maybe someday they might make a single set of laws for the entire commonwealth.

The fact that I want to contribute to this thread but can't do so without fear of being called a whiny little bitch.

>>14700
You're a whiny little bitch!

There, now you should have nothing to fear.

Post edited on 8th May 2013, 1:53am

>>14174
You know Arabs are white right?

>>14174
> I got asperges, so I get Disability Living allowance, so I don't really have to work and if I did it'd go to the parasites,

Pot calling the fucking kettle black.

>>14700
Just because someone else claims to have more 'serious' problems doesn't mean your problem suddenly disappears or becomes less of one. How bad a problem appears is mostly subjective. Some people can take an inhuman amount of physical pain but will break the moment they are subjected to any emotional pain or vice versa. Others have had backgrounds that make them less resilient to face the same current problem. In the end no one else has the right to be too judgmental. Of course you're guaranteed to garner scorn for extreme cases that alienate most of the populace like dad not buying your Ferrari with the options you wanted or something.

The only thing I care about is my own satisfaction. It's gotten to the point where I have no friends, my family hates me, no job or education in sight, I simply do what I want when I want so long as it pleases me.

I outright refuse to do things that I have a speck of distaste for, including things I know have to get done.

Being sound of mind one day and suddenly encountering memory loss and other tribulations associated with psychotic illnesses made the shut-in I am today. I don't know what higher power made me so mentally fucked up, but may he have mercy on my soul.

I hope chain smoking and my bad diet kills me soon.

I'm not a fine sight. The kind where I get sneering glances in public.

But it don't matter so as long as I'm left alone in it. I should move to the outer Hebrides and raise sheep for a few years.

My mother wants me to go for two months to some places that I'm not comfortable with. I've explained to her the problems with her decisions, but she waives them away and then proceeds to act as though going to these places is right thing to visit my grandmother and then some shit hole that isn't even slightly important. I've told her that her other kid is a problem and a threat to the house, but she refuses to acknowledge it and says that her boyfriend is enough to take care of the house, which he is not because he's more or less a moron and he works during the day, which is more than enough time for anybody to waltz in and take whatever they want because the piece of shit that is her other son doesn't give two fucks about anything of ours or the house.

Then, there are my own problems. I can't stay much outside of my room, and when things get too much I try to get to my room as quickly as possible, however, my mother wants to go 500 miles to some place for two weeks, then to another place for a month. I may not be a hikki, but I damn well can't do anything without my room or internet.

I'm only trying to do things in the most rational way, but she's only trying to force her way into getting what she wants. My idiotic mother keeps trying to goad me into going and using shitty tactics into getting me to go despite the fact that she has prepared nothing into properly goading me and has half-assed pretty much all of the things regarding the house and things.

I can't go. I don't want to go. I want to stay in my room and play video games, then read manga and watch anime and sleep whenever I want to sleep. I don't want to have to follow some rules by somebody I don't want to deal with. I don't want to meet strangers. I don't want to have to deal with any of this.

The flight is in 4 days and even though I've warned her of the possibilities regarding the things she's leaving undone, she couldn't give a rat's ass since they're not going to be her problem.

I don't know what to do, but If I'm staying here, I might need to work out and raise my STR and stamina stats in case I have to get into a fight.

I also have lesser worries like the plane crashing and all that. If that happens, then I won't be able to live comfortably at all and am going to have to resort to suicide. Life really isn't worth living.

>>14828
in my case, medicine and shit...I guess.

>>14833
What they never told you is that "antipsychotic medication" is all smoke and mirrors.

I'm 2 metres (=6.56167979 feet) tall. Back when I frequently rode a bus I was always afraid of dislocating my legs. Nowadays the only painful thing that comes from my height is the attention.

I'll never travel to Indonesia.

There's no point to life. What most people live for, a nice house and car and romantic love, family - I shit on all that. It doesn't interest me at all. So what's there to live for? Maybe there is something, but I can't find it. I guess my problem is real existential and the kind that only a guy who gets enough food to eat and doesn't have to worry about dying in a war can have.

>>14851
>So what's there to live for?
Entertainment.

>>14851
Coming from my own experience, you float in apathy for as long it takes. You might never break free from it. That's what I believed for a good decade. But you might, maybe through some kind of sudden revelation. I was lucky enough to have a mother who was able to put up with me for years while I was in that state.

To be honest, I don't see one to be that much better than the other. In my case, I was constantly stressed out over the fact that I lost the ability to feel emotions and time was going by too fast. So maybe that kind of purposeless lifestyle wasn't for me. I'm still struggling with depression-rooted apathy, but it's not as intense as it was in the previous years.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with it, but we were born into a cruel world that tramples over anybody who is unable to simply... care. And it's funny, because nobody really has control over who they become. I'm pretty sure you didn't pick your genetics or the environment you grew up in during your adolescent years. People being praised/punished for being lucky/unlucky. Truly sickening.

The sudden realisation that INT is a dump stat and I should have worked on my CHR.

That coming in second is no different that coming last.

That even though I can fix anything people eventually take that for granted.

That every couple of months I feel like dying, but no one will help because there's plenty of others without brain problems waiting to take my place.

>>14885
Is there anything you are interested in? Having high INT grants you passage into things that others fail to grasp.

>>14888
Probably at lower levels having charisma over intelligence grants you better financial success and happiness. A fool's happiness, as you will. But I think once you reach a certain level of intelligence, you're intelligent enough to be able to mould your personality to become charismatic and financialy successful anyway.

>>14885
>>14888
>>14892
Different actions have different stat checks. With high INT you might be able to avoid a CHA check altogether, and vice versa. Even if you're low on both, you might still be able to make it with some STR, EN and high LK.

>>14893
Some people start off with much higher stats across the board. Other people level up faster and have a higher level cap. Some don't even need to level and are given ultra-rare drops from day one with a top guild protecting them. Not constructive but can't help but feel Life RPG(tm) is really rigged sometimes.

I've never met anyone similar to myself in my whole life. I have moved around a lot and I'm almost 30.

I have one huge, enorumous problem in my life. It's simple, yet a big burden. If not this, I'd actually have done things I'd like to do and enjoy my life. Why is it so hard to go to a shop to buy food? Why cooking is such a bother? Why I can't clean, why is everything so unrewarding and unmotivaing? Why reading books is so boring? Why everything is so fucking boring? I want to do things yet I don't want to do them. At times I don't even wash myself. Where people get the all motivation from to do things? Why whole human race isn't sitting on their asses all day like me?

I wish I had even a small glimpse of motivation.

So my problem is, laziness.

>>14900
You know what? I'm sure alot more would if they could but they're driven by strong base instincts to do something. Some have to work in order to survive. Another core trait is of course greed. Some simply cannot have enough and will do what it takes to get things they view as necessities whether it be money or power.

>>14900
This is mine also. Though I suspect that (for both of us) it is depression rooted apathy masquerading as laziness.

>>12881
Can you explain why anyone would benefit from learning Ukrainian?

>>14948
I really dont know why the fuck I said 'Ukrainian' LOL. Maybe cause it incorporates Russian and Polish...but I dunno

I'm in that point in my life where I have to decide if I should continue my education or go straight to work. I would decide, but then I just ask why I should do either. It's not like I want to continue working just so I can sustain myself, if that were even possible. I don't even know what I want to become, I don't know what field or career I want to pursue... even then, I still have to work. I'm questioning why I need to work to survive, when I don't want to survive... at this point, the only reason why I'm alive is to make sure nothing happens to the figures I bought selfishly when I was younger. I'm not scared of death either... so why haven't I killed myself? Is it because I'm scared of the pain? Is it because I still have a hope of getting lucky when it comes to life? Is it because I feel guilty about taking the care and love that my parents gave me and throwing it away?

I don't even know any more... I know this indecision will hit me like a truck in the future, but I don't even know where to start when it comes to changing the direction.

>>15195
Doing something you like can help blunt the pain. Same with doing something that pays really well (read: earlier retirement or more buyfagging). Get one that you like and pays well? Then you're as set as you can be with not being born into a family willing to support a comfortable life for you indefinitely.

Everything and nothing

Only in death lies salvation for me.

Being around other people makes me so afraid that I become physically sick.

>>15238
Being around people makes me sweat as if I had been through a marathon.

I hate being around people. It's the worst and I hate being forced to do it.

>>15233

I feel like that's easier said than done. I think I'm more or less extremely naive when it comes to the adult world. I feel like I'm a caveman who just got out of living from a cave the past 20 years and I have no idea how anything works.

>>15244
Oh for sure you'll definitely have to struggle and toil in education and other less ideal roles (flippin' burgers in HS is more or less a rite of passage) before you get the position you want. Of course some people never end up getting there either. Of course it all comes down to you whether or not you think it's worth it to give a go.

1.Money
2.Money


It's all about money. I have no income, i don't plan to work and my mother hasn't got a jerb either for 3/4 year and her savings are running out.

>>15282
Hi person from wizardchan with the the crow picture(I think), why is this place so slow?

>>15301
Just fuck off.

>>15305
I welcome you, then (I'm not him, though).

I don't want to buy anything, there isn't anything I want out of life other than to be left alone, why the hell do I need a job.
I haven't built up the courage to tell my parents to just fuck off and leave me alone about getting a job. What are they gonna do, let me starve to death? Its a huge waste of my time to get a job and pay for my own apartment and transportation for no reason. Its creating a bunch of problems for myself for no reason.
The worst part is that they blame me for not having a job. I went to the school they wanted me to, graduated with the major they wanted me to, what do they want?

Is there anything like a small apartment with a bed and a toilet the government gives out for people like this? That isn't prison, they still make you work there.

I had pretty serious panic attack just now, I've been feeling more anxious than usual for last few days and then it started all of sudden in the shower. I can control it quite well by myself but it took about 20 minutes that I completely calmed down. They've been more frequent now when it's summer, there's people everywhere and it's never dark enough, the heat is making it painful too. I can't wait for fall and winter, I usually feel less anxious by then. It's a very small thing that can start it, like an unexpected social situation that goes wrong. I probably should slow down with drinking for now.

Since the end of last month, I've been feeling an intense anxiety as soon as I wake up. My heart starts racing and my hands shake. No idea what's wrong with me.

I'm thinking about honestly killing myself. I am four years behind the road of all of my friends, I'm a shut-in and I am horribly lonely beyond my onw limit of social interaction. I might as well just kill myself soon once my money saved in my bank runs out.

>>15447
You can figure out something. Work nights at some shit job. Do tech support online for 4 hours a day just to make the bills. You may as well stay alive until shit hits the fan.
Although.. I do envy the "nothingness" of being dead. It's probably the only reprieve I'll ever get from constant paranoia and fear.

Post edited on 16th Jul 2013, 9:49pm

>>15447
I'm in the same situation except I haven't thought of killing myself. I still have hope that if tomorrow, the day after and the day after that, that if I try my best that things will work out.

Does anyone else feel like they're being choked when it comes to getting a job? The only job I had, I had for half a year, and every day felt like I was hanging from a noose and the rope was getting tighter and tighter. I keep telling myself that I can quit any moment I feel under too much pressure, but is that really the way to go? If I keep thinking like that, I feel I'll just end up quitting every second week or so.

>>15570
I had the same problem while I was working; I wish I could just forget about work when I wasn't on the clock, but I couldn't. The only solutions I could think of were to either try and find a better job or go back to school, do well and never have to be in such a stressful role again. So in the end I took the easy way out and to this day, I still think whether or not things would have gotten better if I had simply stuck it out.

I'm scared of the future, I'm not ready to take responsibility.
I'm soon 20 and barely scraped by high school, haven't done anything since then.
Lately my mom has been nagging about me not having a job, not applying for schools and overall being a useless piece of shit.
I tried working evening shifts while going to school, I got fired after first month because I couldn't handle the stress and skipped work.
I have been been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, depression and anxiety disorder. I quit going to the psychiatrist soon after the diagnosis.
Deep down I want to be social, but I have trust issues and can't let anybody close even when I want to. I have tried talking to people online, but haven't found anyone that would bother to make an effort to get past my wall.
I'm also an attentionwhore but shut down when I actually recieve some
I could probably deal with this by the magic of procrastination and escapism, but I can't enjoy anime, vidya games or the internet like I used to

>>15580
In relation to social stuff and trust problems, I was in a very similar situation a few months ago. I hope that you do find at least one or two online friends who can help you out of that hole.

>>15581
It doesn't help that I feel worthless and boring, why would anyone want a friend like this? I can barely stand my mom talking about useless work-related shit for 1-2 minutes a day, why would anybody listen to a whining cunt
I honestly don't feel like I have anything to offer to a friend, it would feel terrible to drag down others even though they are nice enough to talk to me

>>15582
That's also how I felt. Especially with people who already had a ton of friends. It would always just feel like they would rather be talking or playing with somebody else.

I felt so boring because whenever I talked with people, they were always the kinds of people who would only talk about themselves and their own lives, or the ones who would pretend to care about you to feed their own delusion of being a "good" person. So I ended up feeling paranoid and neglected. Of course, I was also looking in an awful place. Eventually I found three people from there that I really enjoyed talking to, and felt like they enjoyed talking with me, too. After you meet those people that you click with, you stop feeling like there's a wall that needs to be broken down. People that you genuinely care about and can feel like they care about you, too.

The hardest part is finding a good place to start. I could recommend you some, if you would like, but I can't guarantee results without a little trial and error.

>>15585
Go ahead, any recommendation is fine.
I tried forcing myself to play some multiplayer games and act social, didn't find anyone like that. Also signed up on some forums and twitter + tumblr, even gaiaonline out of desperation.

>>15586
I had that problem with multiplayer games like TF2 and other FPS stuff. Nobody talks unless they're whining and if you send anybody an invite they think you're a trader. Though I did make 1 or 2 friends over a few weeks in TF2. Chivalry has a very nice community, so perhaps that is also an option.

I recommend the Giantbomb forums if you're into video games as almost everybody there is very friendly and civilized, this http://steamcommunity.com/groups/SearchForFriends and http://steamcommunity.com/discussions/forum/7/846940249097322810/

All of those are more miss than hit, but what else is there? If you're really desperate and have a high tolerance for obnoxious shitbags, ERPers and drama queens, you could try 4chan's /vg/ steam friend threads. That's where I started out of not knowing anywhere else to try. Of the maybe 100 people overall I added from there over those few months, I kept 5 total. You can meet some really great, likeminded people there but actually finding them is comparable to dumpster diving.

And lastly, the best option (I would say), is an MMO. From what I played of the FFXIV ARR closed beta, I feel like that one in particular would be a great opportunity once it hits open/released. The community seemed very friendly compared to others I have played.

Another place I tried was Doujinstyle, but I wouldn't recommend it.

>>15588
'least you're not avatarfagging it up like I used to. Yeck, desperate times.

Good luck!

>>15587
>>15590
fucking hell, how do I into imageboards
thanks for the recommendation, will check out at least the steam group
not that into forums or MMOs anymore

>>15591
>>15590
just as I was about to add you, steam lost connection
maybe this is a sign

>>15592
I'm not THAT dangerous!
And somebody had added me by the time I saw this post, so now I'm unsure if that was you or not.

>>15593
wasn't me
I think I'll sleep on this, you probably won't disappear from steam during the next 24h
it's just too sudden, I haven't talked to anyone new since last christmas, cut ties with 5 since then

>>15594
That's a relief.
Seeya soon (maybe).

>>15585
>>15587
You also have to consider that people are much more willing to open up to and be friends with females, especially over the internet. I'm willing to bet that you achieved much better results because of it. In my experience playing MMOs, even the most withdrawn, socially awkward girl was given lots of friendly attention from males and other females alike, and had no problem finding allies.

I'm not trying to turn this into another gender thread, just pointing out the simple fact that most NEETs/hikikomoris looking to make online friends will have a notably harder time with it than you did for that simple reason alone. It's a factor that (unfortunately) has to be taken into consideration.

>>15596
that might have been the case but it's irrelevant now, she's the one reaching out here
sorry for disturbing the peace, off to bed now since it's 4:23AM where I live

>>15596
I suppose I can see why you would think that. Although, that last.fm is quite recent, I'd made almost all of these friends before I even set that up. Hell, most people who have added me haven't actually bothered to go to that link, it seems.

>>15598
I honestly have no idea what you're getting at, or how it's relevant to what I said. The only thing I've looked at is the steam profile you use in your e-mail field when you post.

>>15600
Oh, the comments? The group is a music reference.
Sorry.
And again, I made most of these friends before either of those things.
If you're getting at something else, please elaborate.

Post edited on 24th Jul 2013, 8:07pm

>>15601
I know what last.fm is, I just don't know what it has to do with people being friendlier towards you because of your gender. I'm not saying it's happening *here*, I'm saying that when you were searching in the locations you mentioned in >>15587, the people you did find to talk to might not have bothered with you at all had you not been a female. Again, I mention this because most people on TC would not have that advantage if they so desired to seek out online friends. I wouldn't want to see anyone get more depressed because they didn't manage to find as many people to talk with long-term as you did, when it could be due to factors out of their control.

>>15602
>the people you did find to talk to might not have bothered with you at all had you not been a female.
They had no way of knowing back then, though. That's what I was saying in relation to the last.fm and other stuff. There was nothing that would lead them to think I'm not male, especially with the nature of those communities (female avatar != female by default).
>I just don't know what it has to do with people being friendlier towards you because of your gender.
Because that's the only place where I've actually said it without somebody else bringing it up first.
Hope that cleared things up. Sorry for the trouble.

>>15603
>They had no way of knowing back then, though. That's what I was saying in relation to the last.fm and other stuff. There was nothing that would lead them to think I'm not male, especially with the nature of those communities (female avatar != female by default).
I understand that much, but surely you opted to tell them very early on after you started speaking? I highly doubt you'd avoid talking about it once you began talking one-on-one regularly. Even if they didn't assume you were female in the beginning, once they know it, it certainly boosts the longevity of your friendships greatly. They're more likely to be patient with you and less likely to find you boring by default. None of this is to say that your advice isn't useful, of course. Just that many people here might have to invest more time and effort into finding their online friends.

>Because that's the only place where I've actually said it without somebody else bringing it up first. Hope that cleared things up. Sorry for the trouble.
Ah, alright. That's understandable.

>>15604
>but surely you opted to tell them very early on after you started speaking?
Nope. I like to get to know them as well as I can before I say such things, if at all. Hell, I've even had one particularly crazy woman make advances when she thought I was a dude.
But yeah, I can see what you mean, those who aren't put off by it may see such a thing as... I don't know, a breath of fresh air?

>>15605
That must be really hard to avoid discussing. Most people will outright ask early-on if you're male or female- do you tell them 'male'? Your gender is also pretty clear to anyone adding you on Steam, at least. I'll take your word for it though.

Anyway, I don't want to derail this thread any further than I already have. I've made my points so I'll lay off it.

>>15606
Strangely, it's not a question that gets asked very often. Maybe I've just been lucky in that regard, but people either seem to assume I'm male or not care. There was one person who asked me "asl" within an hour of knowing them and I kinda panicked and deleted them, but I think the rest are as above. But say that somebody is asking about relationships, then unless I know them very well I'll switch the genders up, yes.

I'll stop, too.

My heart feels empty and my mind, when left to silence, is a ticking time bomb that could explode any moment. I usually just work out, play games, or watch anime when this happens, but recently I've been losing interest in doing anything. I usually become self-destructive when I think for too long, but thinking about being ignorant makes me feel like I'm already dead. I can't explain this shit.

>>15645
Being so busy you don't have to think about these things or deeper meaning shit is bliss.

Well, my biggest problem is my father.

I've a giant inferiority complex towards him, because he's better than me in every shape and form.
I've never felt loved by him, so it's easy for him to make me do what he wants me to do, and I'm easily guilt tripped by him because due to my lack of self esteem I always feel like I'm a burden for him.

I think my whole family suffered from this, my brother getting more and more rebel, my mom burying herself in her job, while I was paralysed by my problems and left behind becoming the one my father used as way to vent her frustrations.
I owe everything to my mother, she has so many things in her life and problems but she still finds time for me.

I know I shouldn't care, it's something my mother told me time after time, but it's not easy, and he's very good at making me feel bad.

I get sick just smelling the odor he leaves in the rooms.
Sometimes I think I should just leave, but I'm too coward to kill myself, I wouldn't be able to live alone, and I can't ask my mother to divorce him because he's one of those people who don't believe in divorce and it would end horribly.

I just wish he would tell me that he loves me.

I change who I am regularly and forget my past easily. I know I've posted in this thread before at least 3 times, but I couldn't say which posts were me. I think this is the biggest problem.

There's just one thing I'd like to add to what I said earlier in the thread. A note for anybody who is considering going on the long and painful search for online friendship.

When you start off, you may feel like what you've made is very small, not enough. It's like there's this gaping, gushing hole in your chest and you need more and more to plug it with. If any of the people you meet, you find that you talk to each other often and enjoy it when you do, focus on that. Whether you do that or not, the desire to fill niches, the feeling of hopelessness over the difficulty of finding more, those will all die away and you'll realize the true value of what you've made. It's a wonderful wave of emotions.

I hate people. There's this French girl working at the local McDonalds, I wanted to try talking with her so I printed the first few pages of http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/France and started hitting her with random facts about her country while I was waiting in line. She called security and got me kicked out

>>15805
>I wanted to try talking with her

That's the problem. Most normals are already set in life with friends and stuff and don't want some guy coming up and butting in on their life. On top of that it's a girl so she probably assumes you're hitting on her and goes full feminist power on your ass. Best to not try to approach normals and if you must go outside just blend in and act cool i.e don't draw attention to yourself and stuff. Best advice I can give, most normals really are shit so it's best to avoid them.

>>15805
You're kidding right? Why would you do that?

>>15805
>I hate people. There's this French girl working at the local McDonalds, I wanted to try talking with her so I printed the first few pages of http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/France and started hitting her with random facts about her country while I was waiting in line.

Why couldn't you have just said 'hello' or 'hi, how are you today'? Why did you think that acting like a know-it-all jackass as a method of breaking the ice with her would be a good idea?

>She called security and got me kicked out

And you completely deserved it. You jackass.

McDonalds needs security guards?

>>15812
Of course. They serve up some dangerously hot coffee, you know. Who knows what clever ways their more malicious customers might think of to weaponize it?

>>15805
Now that's a keen display of spirit and creativity, don't give up.

>>15813
Hearing people make fun of that story always pisses me off. That coffee was like 85°C, she had severe burns and shit. She tried to settle with Mcdonalds to just cover the cost of her medical expenses but then they told her to fuck off so that's why she sued.

But no, just silly Americans they are so sue-happy lol XD

>>15817
Americans always exaggerate when suing someone.

>>15818
>>15818
>>15817
>>15813
>>15812

fuck off back to 4chan you terminally boring, repetitive shits.

>>15819
Take a chill pill dude.

>>15817
No you're right, it was the restaurant's fault that the woman couldn't tell that a steaming cup of coffee was hot and managed to seriously hurt herself with it. Especially since it was that hot- could you imagine if places like Starbucks served their coffee that hot?

>>15821
No you're right, restaurants should serve cold coffee (along with all other drinks) in Sippy Cups and have people heat it up themselves if they want. All businesses should also have all costumers sign waivers before purchasing anything freeing themselves of liability in the case of a customer hurting themselves just to be safe.

>>15822
My post was sarcastic, man. I was trying to illustrate how unreasonable it sounds to make the restaurant liable for customers hurting themselves with their products in retarded ways. Even a child knows that coffee will burn you if it gets on your skin. Starbucks (among others) serve their coffee at the same temperature. If you're careless and spill it on yourself, it's your own damn fault.

>>15823
Sorry, it went right over my head. It really bugs me how people don't want to take responsibility for their own mistakes and blame everyone else for it. that on top of everyone here having sue fever which wont end until we're all constantly treated like babys and it becomes imposable to hurt ourselves even if we wanted to.

Post edited on 20th Aug 2013, 5:41pm

>>15824
No worries, I might not have been clear enough with it. The 'someone else is to blame' mentality and massive amounts of liability-evasion warning paperwork with everything nowadays bothers the hell out of me too.

I'm sorry, but this is a post about a job.

I got a job at a local theme park until the end of the season in October.

Had my first day, operating a small children's ride alone. Went well until one kid got a leg out of his seatbelt and his sister tried holding him down (blocking my view) and another guy came up to me and yelled at me to stop the ride. It was 't even his kid and the kid's sister was actually defending me.

He told an exaggerated story to a supervisor who gave me a lecture in front of other parents. He said the next time this happens I could get fired.

Oh Haruhi, I can't be in charge of people's safety can I? Like, what the hell can I do? I only have to work this week and then weekends until November but I can't do this. I am terrible.

The day went fine until that. And next week I have to work 50 hours (no overtime pay because they are exploiting a loophole in the minimum wage law). Open to close for five days in a row. I get super fatigued if I am awake for more than 8 hours without a nap and now I'm operating heavy machinery on a twelve hour shift on Saturday?!

I'm really, really freaked out right now I have no idea what I can do. I'm trying to calm down but if I get in trouble for something like this and I get fired I'm really going to be a suicide risk. Like, my first real chance to put something on a résumé and I get fired from it? I need a job if I am to ever leave the increasingly restrictive ire of my family, and I need a real job. I need to get an education and get a job so I can feed myself and follow my hobbies. This is my last chance and if I screw this up, if a kid gets out of a restraint or if someone gets hurt, and I get fired from my last chance, I may as well just end my life because there's no sense in living a life that is unliveable.

>>15840
Shit man, that sounds awful. I gotta be honest with you, I wouldn't even be able to handle that myself. The amount of hours alone would break me down.

>Oh Haruhi, I can't be in charge of people's safety can I? Like, what the hell can I do?
Try to keep this in mind. Don't beat yourself up over it, what happened today doesn't sound like it was your fault in the slightest. That's the worst part about that kind of work- you're always going to be the one taking the blame for things that you aren't directly responsible for. Even in the worst case scenario, in which you did get fired, I would hate to see you end your life when you only got the boot for factors out of your control. I don't claim to understand how bad the situation is with your family, but there must be some sort of agency or something nearby or even online that could help you find an alternative job if that scenario does play out with this one.

I know it's easy for me to say when I'm not the one that has to go through it, but try to hang in there.

Whenever I have a lucid dream, I always try to rape a girl. Then, my heart rate increases and I wake up. Help!

My problem is being a complete fucking idiot to the outside world. Honestly I don't know jack shit about how to interact with reality. I don't know how simple things like how to use an ATM or pay with credit cards, I wouldn't know how to use a subway train, I basically don't know how to do "ordinary" things. Fuck, I don't even know the area I've lived in my entire life. I mean really, I have no clue what the roads/highways are named, and I get lost easily in cities. I've only driven in cities with my parents, if they weren't with me I wouldn't know where to exit at all. So that also makes me an idiot with directions, so if I were to go pick up a package at X address, I wouldn't know where the fuck that is or how to get there.

It's frustrating. I know how to interact with the wired pretty well, but I'd have the mental capacity of an 8 year old if you were to drop me off in New York and tell me to start from scratch.

>>16020
>I don't know how simple things like how to use an ATM or pay with credit cards
If you're good at computers you'll be leaps and bounds better than the majority of people who use them, make sure to read instructions though.

>I wouldn't know how to use a subway train, I basically don't know how to do "ordinary" things.
I only know the bus but public transport is generally made so anyone can use it. You could try to be near the back and see if you can pick it up from the person in front. The only hard part is knowing the things everyone takes as obvious, I didn't realize a bad bus driver while you're standing is going to make for a bad ride.

I know what you mean with ordinary things though, I basically hadn't done anything myself until I was 16 or so. I'm still bad at speaking on the phone and sometimes need to write down what I'm trying to say only to still fumble over my words. I suppose I know they get worse or outright aggressive people but it doesn't help much.

>I mean really, I have no clue what the roads/highways are named, and I get lost easily in cities. I've only driven in cities with my parents, if they weren't with me I wouldn't know where to exit at all. So that also makes me an idiot with directions, so if I were to go pick up a package at X address, I wouldn't know where the fuck that is or how to get there.

This ones mostly maps and practice. I don't drive because of sleep problems but I've noticed that experience driving just allows you to seem like you know what you're doing, everyone's lost unless they use that road a lot and I've had my trucker dad and grandpa have trouble getting lost. I think our parents generation had to learn streets from experience when they started driving but we can use maps so we don't really spend time memorizing. Take it slow and use google maps, can even check out your route with street view if you're confused with anything.

>It's frustrating. I know how to interact with the wired pretty well, but I'd have the mental capacity of an 8 year old if you were to drop me off in New York and tell me to start from scratch.

I'm from Canada and would probably instantly die were I placed in new york, my city has 1/13th the population and still feels very overwhelming.

I guess most ordinary things still take experience, and getting that experience can cause you to look like an idiot if you mess up. Probably a big cause of NEETs.

Might help to see a doctor for anxiety if you think that might be a problem, but be careful about side effects, I've spent years now just getting worse because I didn't recognize problems earlier, though I suppose my anxiety is better. Don't be afraid to change doctors too, some only have one approach for problems, reading doctor reviews can help too.

Good luck anon

My problem is that I simply don't see the purpose in anything anymore, and my world view is extremely pessimistic and bleak. I haven't even left my room or attended any classes for the last week or so simply because I've lost the ability to really care. I feel like the entire world is empty and meaningless, and that giving yourself a purpose is blinding yourself to the truth of the matter. I've been working my way around not killing myself for the last month or so but I don't really see a reason to live anymore.

I've been trying to get out of this house for a long time via intentions and affirmations. These people that provide me with shelter are nothing but poison. I just cry every day because I am wasting away at their mercy. But you see, I can't do anything without money. And I have no way of earning money. I either take off into the streets right before winter or stay in a really terrible place. There is no refuge.

I can hardly breathe. I just wish I could transmit my feelings to somebody else so that they could understand that it's impossible for me to participate in society. I didn't want to be messed up.

Soon something really bad is going to happen to me if I don't manage to figure out a solution. Today I did something to one of these aforementioned people... it was really mean-spirited, and I didn't even feel anything. A taste of what's to come.

Someone save me. Have mercy.

>>16311
Are you somehow abusing or going to attack your enabler(s)? What would that amount to? Did they give you an ultimatum or something?

I was abused for 5 years and now I'm a wreck because of it. I used to be normal before it happened. Everyone blames me for letting it happen or makes fun of me for being a NEET calling me lazy and useless and such, I've never really got sympathy for it, but then again I don't have enough strength to talk about it with the few people I know in real life, so they just think I'm a NEET because I'm lazy and useless. I usually only just talk to people online. I left my abuser years ago but it's like I still can't get away from him. I want to kill myself because I just can't take it anymore, medication won't fix me because I didn't do this to myself. And other people only just make it worse, I have to seclude myself because I'm so fragile but by secluding myself I just make it worse for myself. I really need therapy but I can't afford it. I just feel like there really isn't any hope for me, I'll never make any friends who could help me work through it, so I'm pretty much out of luck. I want to kill myself but every time I get around to doing it I get too scared and can't. I'm too afraid to go to a support group or anything, either, I'm too afraid to talk about it in real life.

I write out long-winded posts. Then I don't post them because they seem stupid as I read over them and they don't properly articulate whatever I was trying to. My post rate is probably 1 in 20.

>>16320
That happens to me too. Makes me angry because I tend to spend a lot of time on the posts and either end up fully discarding them or redacting most of it and posting a lame version.

I don't care for people

I'm an anxious wreck.
The slightest chance of confrontation or something going wrong and I get full-blown panic attacks. I'm forcing myself to live a normal lifestyle to keep my parents from worrying, but in the end it's causing myself more unhappiness than anything.

I'm afraid one day I won't be able to keep up the facade anymore, and everyone will realize I'm just an incompetent failure.
There's no escape for me, either. Even in dreams I'm constantly in a state of anxiety.

I'll never make it in the real world.