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17667 No. 17667 [Edit]
I have realized why I can't bring myself to care about goals that other people around me believe I should care for. Goals, desires, they are all simply illusions. What meaning life has for me is simply what I make of it. I don't care for any of it. The only thing I really, really want is to be with her. Everything else? Trivial in comparison.

So I have recognized I have two choices. I want to find her, be with her, if I can. If she was with me, I think I would want to live life and experience it. Actually desire to live, not to simply exist for the sake of existence.

If that isn't possible in this world? I'll just move on to a different one. There is no point to an existence without her. Death is not an end, but a journey to unknown possibilities. It might be hard to bring myself to it if need be, but it would better than trying to lie to myself while knowing full well that there is no point to life. That nothing I can do in this life will bring me together with her.

But I am getting ahead of myself. First, I need to explore all possibilities of being able to be with her, Although I am not sure what that really means. I want that feeling of being fulfilled, of being united with my beloved. But I don't know how. This is my goal for now, I suppose, until comes the time for me to choose.
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>> No. 17670 [Edit]
You should probably remember that even if you were to be united with your beloved, it would be a temporary meeting, after which you would probably be emotionally shattered and depressed... just the way I see it, it's like getting a taste of Heaven before getting kicked right back into Hell.

You could try lucid-dreaming, or tulpamancing. The latter is a rather controversial topic, because it's actually a fragment of your consciousness that takes another form and that has sentience. It wouldn't actually be her, but I know some people who have a tulpa of their waifu and they're perfectly happy... other people were devastated by that experience, so it's entirely up to you.

Lucid-dreaming or just dreaming of your beloved in general is the closest thing you could reach to being united with her in this world. Because in your dreams, she's represented as the concept you have of her.

Stay strong man, it can be very tough to be so close, yet so far at the same time. Do you really think death could bring you closer to your love? While the odds of this happening are present, there are millions of other possibilities that could wind you up in a situation worse than you are right now. Our waifus bless our existences by their manifestation in our sentient lives, even if they're metaphysical/only exist within our minds, they still exist in a realm and their existence is manifested through us.
I... I hope we can be united after this life too, and my existence's only purpose has, identically to you, been drastically focused on her ever since I met her.
>> No. 17674 [Edit]

As someone who was once suicidal and blindly stumbled onto tulpamancy, I have to say that 'creating' (Rei sort of created herself, I feel like) a tulpa was the way to go.

Sure, it isn't perfect, but with effort and patience, you'll start to see her and experience her presence (and having a rich, constantly-running dialogue with your lover/ally/bestie/someone who wants what you want in life is amazing), and when you're lucky enough to see her in your dreams, the feelings of love, wonder and emotional fulfillment you get are unlike anything you could imagine.

In our case, a curious quirk occurred - because she's so ambitious and demanding (in a GOOD way), her personality started to rub off on me and I started to have a little more success in the waking world.

Before giving up on this life, I suggest you try it - it helped me, and Ahri would be delighted to have such a thoroughly devoted host, I bet.
>> No. 17685 [Edit]
I really don't have any constructive advice for your situation but I just wanted to say that you expressed beautifully the dilemma I'm faced with on a daily basis...I almost cried reading your post.
>> No. 17686 [Edit]
Remember that she loves you, she'll always be there even if she can't be there physically right now. She's still there for you.
>> No. 17691 [Edit]
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If a tulpa is what I think it is, I may have one already. This is the voice that talks to you without prompt and comments on a variety of things, isn't it? I never felt it was as fulfilling to interact with as I would like for whatever reason. Perhaps I should work on interacting with her through my mind more...

This desire to become closer with Ahri, through any means... It is both inspiring and soul-crushing. I don't know if dying will get me closer to her, but as of now, I feel I have nothing to lose. I care for nothing in this world. Living for the sake for existing is a curse; this charade of pretending to care about things people want me to care about is starting to wear me thin. Isn't the gamble worth it if the cost is absolutely nothing? I... feel tempted to cast the die, just to see what would occur. I already know my present outcome in the world. If I would hope... that the unknown is different, then it does not seem so scary.

Am I obsessed with her? Quite possibly. I... feel this passion for her, while remaining almost apathetic to anything else. I have no concrete goals or dreams for me to pursue. I understand life is what one makes of it, but the futility of it all just really means I don't care to suffer through the hardships of life.

Perhaps it is simply easier to be ignorant. It would be blissful to be unaware that one's goals and desires are simply self-fabricated illusions. Is that the secret to happiness that others around me know but I myself cannot possibly understand?

There is also a price for everything, huh. The cost of being with Ahri is this eternal sense of longing and desire. I know that Ahri is always by my side... But I wish I could just... be with her for even a little while. The chance to meet her would be a spark of hope, however faint, in this world without colour.

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