i get where you're coming from. looking at it, i really do model some of myself after her, Hanako that is.
i was fucked up emotionally for a long time, and was reclusive as such, nihilistic and all that bullshit, just ready to let my life be wasted. but then i found her and through relating to her, falling in love and just generally looking at myself i opened up and became who i am today, that is to say a marginally successful and generally very happy man.
i suppose me opening up is quite a bit like how she did, as could the damages be compared. hell, we even take solace and comfort in the same things.
but i don't think that's all there is to it. maybe i'm just irrational or flat-out insane, but i think that she really is out there somewhere and loves me back. i mean, chances are that in the infinite expanse of our universe and perhaps a multiverse there is another world with humans on it, and in that infinite probability i think that no matter how small a chance it is, the sheer number of rolls lead to a result: she is out there somewhere and know of me, and with luck she loves me back.
perhaps i love her because i model myself after her, perhaps i just project her onto myself, and again maybe i'm just batshit insane from years of being messed up in the head, but to me she is more then just who i want to be: she is who i wish to be with; and i hold in my mind the belief that she is out there, feeling the same way and someday, be it soon or many years later, i will find her.
it's a helluva chance. improbable, ludicrous, and stupid? undoubtedly. do i give a shit? are humans irrational creatures? am i happy hoping i can be with her? you're goddamn right i am, and that won't change.
so youre totally right; i do want to be like her, but i also want to be with her and love her. nothing wrong with it, it's just how it is