I can make friends, but I can't keep them. I can talk to people, but I have little to talk about. I sit on my computer, I play my two instruments and I do drugs. I don't talk to my family.. I find myself detesting to talk to them whenever they call, yet I know they care about me and only want what's best. I've made friends at university, but I can't connect with people. I don't know how to get to know someone. Even when I'm not self loathing I find myself at a loss for words because I don't really have anything to say. Some people say I'm a great person, and I think I do a lot of things right. But I can't do this. I'm not even sure I want friends... I just want people to have fun with. Something is wrong with me. My motivation comes and goes. Some of the time everything seems alright.. I feel like I can do this whole university thing. Other times I want to go for a trade job, move somewhere far away, do the the whole drugs/hookers thing and off myself. All of the time, however, I just waste. I don't improve myself. I don't read or anything either. I barely do school work and I don't socialize (enough). I just sit in my room, because it's safe, consistent and easy. I had been alone for so long growing up, thoughts of suicide, self loathing. I am ashamed of the way I have acted. Eventually I came to convince myself that nothing mattered, and that if I was going to kill myself anyway then why should I worry? I have only hated myself, almost never other people. Everybody who I hang around at university says that they all really like me. I honestly don't know if I care about or am interested in other people (I don't think I do). I would say I am a nice and considerate person, but I'm also a prick. The problem is me. I've let a stunning amount of potential friendships die.

Picture isn't really related. Though it's a caricature I drew of myself when I was 15.