I think there's something wrong with me, or my thinking. Maybe I'm retarded, who knows. I don't do anything with myself. I find it hard to finish anything really. So things like books, video games, doing school work. It's als sort of like I can't do the school work. I find myself unable to take in any knowledge. Everything academically I did was just to pass. I hated doing music classes (which was the reason I came to university). I'm not even good at music. I can make, in my opinion some really beautiful sounds, but I can't force seem to improve or learn anything.
The only things I can really get done are playing Gears of War 2 all day, watching Adult Swim cartoons (find those hard to finish now too).
I also can't maintain friendships anymore. I remember ever since I've started university I have fucked up the vast majority of possible social relationships that I've encountered. They were really nice people. Better people than me. It is entirely my fault that things aren't working out. The last few days before I left university I avoided my friends almost entirely. I said that I couldn't handle group conversation and was going through a rough time. I was going through a rough time, but the real reason I was avoiding them was because I had (and still have) nothing to talk about. I don't do anything with myself, so I naturally don't really have anything to talk about. I rely on people to make me happy, I've realized. But I can't be with people because I don't have anything to talk about, and I think very slowly. Often I lose my train of thought mid conversation. People can't really talk to me because I cant reliably give coherent answers. Sometimes my mind just draws a blank in the face of giving an answer. I literally think of nothing. Needless to say it makes me looking like a fucking asshole quite often.
The best part? I've showed these people my honest side, and have managed to speak when called upon to be spoken to, and they said they really liked me. When I dropped out of university not too long ago the last day they all got together and helped me pack and even ended up doing a group hug even though I had been avoiding them (it's sort of complicated) I was pretty moved I guess by all of those people actually giving a damn. I do suspect though that they're doing it out of pity. It's become painfully obvious that I don't know how to act around people, often say stupid shit and have social anxiety I've done so much embarassing shit that absolutely makes me want to die. I've made so many possibilities of friendship and even one relationship with a wonderful girl, but I've made a fucking mess out of it all.