I also spent years looking for something that didn't lead to nihilism and suffering. Hundreds of books, movies, discussions, arguments trying to find a clue.Existentialism, Buddhism, taoism, meditation.
But most of it was disgusting for some reason. Incomplete. But I couldn't explain why.
It was something that I couldn't define, but it was there.
But I did found it OP.
Now, the issue is that once that you experience the answer you'll more alone than ever. I can't even relate to tohno-chan anymore.
I'm not suffering but I feel completely, well, confused.
Think about it, if you know the answer you'll be completely different from 99.9% of the planet.
Are you sure you still want to know?