Occasionally, I'll get in a good mood and feel good and proud of myself (cause when I'm in a rare good mood I can actually accomplish things).
But in general I'm in a perpetual state of self-loathing. Paradoxically, I'm arrogant enough to think I'm a man of many talents that could take his life in any direction, but at the same time i think I'm too shy, withdrawn, and lazy to accomplish anything in reality.
It also doesn't help when you don't have goals to aspire to. When I was a kid I dreamed of becoming an inventor or an astronaut. Well, I had that chance when I got into a great university with amazing post-graduation job prospects, but because of my social ineptitude and inability to handle the tremendous stress (for people like us at least) of college life, I threw it all down the drain. Now my life holds no purpose or value. No friends, no vision, no dreams, there is nothing.
Sometimes my family will treat with with gifts and vacations and stuff and I hate it when they do. Inside me there is a feeling that tells me I'm a horrible person I don't deserve any such kindness shown to me. I feel guilty when they give me gifts for I feel that there are literally billions of people on earth more noble and deserving than I am. I felt guilty in high school when I brought home straight A's and the teachers lauded me with praise, when I knew that I actually put forth absolutely no effort and did the bare minimum the class called for. When my birthday comes around, I consider it the worst day of the year because it is proof of my loneliness, but also because I feel any day celebrating me can or should be nothing more than a mummers farce. I carry so much guilt and shame, imagining all the things I could do, but I won't do.