I can't see a future for myself. I never have been able to see a future. I don't even really want to think about it, because I know that one day my parents will die and then I will be truly fucked. It's my biggest fear. But it's going to happen isn't it? One day, doom will arrive. All this sitting in on my computer as a hiki is just the calm before the storm. Every second that ticks by, I become less prepared for this doomsday.
I should have prepared myself for it. That's what normal people do. That's what they spend their whole lives doing. They get a job so they are financial dependent from parents. They get a girlfreind/wife for company so that when their parents die, there will still be someone to look after them. They have children so there will be someone to care for them when they are old. They have friends to care for them when they are ill. That's what the normal persons life is all about. Preparing for their parents death. And when the normal persons parents die, it doesn't hit them so hard because they no longer live with them and are not dependent on them.
But then I think about my future, what should I do? I don't know. I can't think of a future for myself. I don't know who I am or what I want to be or what I should be. Maybe I am secretly hoping that I will die before my parents. Or just sat waiting for a miracle.
I hate thinking about the future, the future is so bleak. Just getting old, ill health and pain.
So I refuse to think about the future too much. Instead I go on the computer and surf the internet to numb the pain. I use the internet in the same way that a drug addict uses drugs or an alcoholic uses alcohol. To escape. But escaping doesn't solve my future problems. But facing up to future problems is scarey and anxiety inducing. I spend the majority of my time avoiding the anxiety. Which probably only serves to store up a huge debt of problems and makes things worse.