I wrote this today. I usually write these things to feel better, but I just feel worse now...
My main issue with considering schools is that Penn State is like, twelve campuses, which invariably seem to be in the middle of nowhere. I have no idea which ones offer Japanese language, and I may end up spending my first two years on a campus that doesn't even offer it.
My second issue is, while tuition to the Assbutt township campuses is around $17,000, I have to spend $24,000 tuition to go to Penn State Park, the main campus, equally in the middle of Nowhere Specialstown. To graduate I have to spend either my first or last year there.
Transportation is a problem basically. Also mom seems to think because I applied to one of their tiny satellite campuses close to NYC that I blew my chances of ever going to Penn State at all.
I figure Northeastern is the only affordable school in the region that even offers Japanese. Also being located where it is it would be a great idea to go there. I can go home when I want, I have Boston to walk around, I would get to hang with you probably and I could cut room and board expenses out because Dad would have no excuse to not let me live at JP house, he even said himself he wanted to start a college fund for me and help out however he can.
However I want to get my credit up before I apply to NEU. So question here. Is there, within your knowledge, a good community college I could go to in the area of the T? I could go there for a bit and then do my transfer. That could pressure Dad into giving me the keys.
Even as I type this I get discouraged and feel a weight in my chest, I feel pathetic. I don't want to go to a school with nothing near it and no public transportation. I don't want to ever live anywhere secluded ever again. But I keep feeling like I am unworthy of any of this. I just don't know what to think of myself in this context. I am naïve in thinking I can live in Japan, huh? Twenty and barely a base knowledge of the language, and can't even get a shit job or go to college. Laying in a house in the middle of nowhere without a license or hope of independent transportation, and looking at the massive expenses of things, I just get so discouraged. Just... I don't know even.
"Oh go into the military or some shit. That will help." really? Will it? I don't think so. Pretty sure that I am the worst candidate for that kind of thing, not even kidding. This isn't a bandaid fixer for your life. It is an enormous risk in so many different ways. Also, I pretty much hate the cheer the hometown at the gladiator games in the sandbowl shitty situation I would be in the middle of. I do not care for this nation's mentality regarding national defence as the main pride point. I don't want to take part in a bunch of revised humourless frat boys being lauded at home while they piss on the Hiroshima memorial or throw puppies off cliffs abroad, I'm pretty sure if I have anger issues at home the military is the worst place I could go. You want me to kill someone mum? Really?
This is the first time I actually wrote out my issues. I have no interest in working doing anything but immersing myself in things I am suited for. I am pretty much useless unless I want to do something because I just get depressed to the point of being physically weak. It's insane. I can't think of any solutions, and I can't explain my malfunction to anyone because it's either "you're a hard worker or a lazy shit, there's no excuse! And the only solution to laziness is negative reinforcement you asshole! Any other response is just coddling!" I may have a serious problem but nobody can (or is willing to) help or offer advice beyond "Just get a life!"
I want to do something. I do. It's just, everything is really difficult for some reason or another to get involved in.
I really am just useless. Just, Haruhi damn. I have no idea why you haven't told me so. Give up give up give up give up give up give up give up give up. You always fantasise about shit that will never happen! There is no reset button, no hope, no chance, there's just black and white! All or nothing! There is no Haruhis or kami to save you, you waste of fucking carbon! Shit is a better use of space than you! You are human litter! Do or die, that's what they say! You had your chance to do, now just fucking die! You want to live in Japan?! From the moment you were conceived that was a fucking fallacy and you know it! Why do you even want to consider it still? Fucking, fucking weeaboo! Why should anyone give you a second glance?! You know what, piece of shit? Burn it all. Your manga and DVDs, your shitty flags, your kamidana (oh that was a riiiich lie you told yourself, as if you could follow Shinto at all) all your books, games, just stop playing. Figs? You know what, just give a list and see who wants what! Do it!
Ex 001 Konata cosplay ver figma
018 Tsuruya figma
035 Kagami cosplay ver figma
100 Append Hatsune Miku figma
Konata OVA cosplay statuette
Erica Hartmann statue
Yuki Nagato fraulein revoltech
Mobip Yoshika Miyafuji
Konata x Yoshika Miyafuji cosplay minifig, Comptiq special
The rest is jus useless, burn them as well.
Clear your walls off Haruhi damnit! Look at the faux wood board panelling! That fake shit is you, that's your mirror from now on! You are fucking nothing! You've covered yourself in fake interests for years because you are nothing! No personality! It's all just a fucking act, you treat your life like a shitty masquerade! You're nothing, you just cover yourself in cloth to hide your nothing! Do you even like Japan, really? You can't even clean a bathroom, you're so useless!
Why are you even fucking writing this?
You wanted secrets? Here they are.