up until around 5-6 years ago, I hung out with friends around once a week, kind of hated them though, but still went because I was doormat that just went along with them whenever they
asked me to hang out with them, buy them lunch, drive them around ect, but around 4-5 years ago, I was finding it harder and harder to be around them as time went by, getting to where
I was only still seeing what one might call my (very persistent) best friend, never did know the others that well.. (it was obvious anyway they only wanted me around so I could pay for
things... and so they could steal from me...)
it eventually got to where I found it stressful and infuriating just to be around this guy, and broke contact.
Might have been because I had finally worked up the ability to say no to them, maybe it was deteriorating mental health, or maybe I was just lying to myself about the whole thing with having friends.
Something like a year goes by, maybe two, and he calls me, wants to hang out for old times sake or something.
after thinking about it for some time, I go through with it, and was miserable the entire short time.
talking to him on the phone wasn't that bad, but only took five minutes of being around him to make me sick of him and want to go home already.
Something like 3+ years go by without having talked to him or anyone else I could call a friend (offline anyway).
He called me a few weeks ago to hang out, I told him I was busy that day (spent the day dicking around online and watching anime)
How I deal with solitude? I enjoy every minute of it, that's how.
It's really not a problem for me.
the only times when I leave my room for more than a few minutes at a time, are when my mom isn't home.
It's a good chance to stretch out, since my room is so cramped and full of junk.
It's the only time when I can be at ease, and actually relax.
even when locked in my room, I don't know if she's gonna start calling out to me for some stupid reason, pounding on my door or even watching me from some hidden peephole or something.
when I'm alone, I feel free.
I'm really just no good with people.
the more I get to know people, the more I get on their nerves and they get sick of me.
It's always the same thing, sooner or latter, as much as they might say they like me at first, they always, always get sick of me as they get to know me.
I've had it happen countless times, with other friends, both online and off, although I didn't really think much of those offline ones, since kids move away, shit happens... but when you meet up with them in high school, and they know it's you, but pretend not to... yeah...
don't really matter how good the friendship seems, it always falls apart in the end.
so I don't really expect anything from anyone anymore.
I truly believe that I'm supposed to be alone, meant to be alone.
even that best friend type guy has said I'm an asshole a number of times, and meant it.
and it was clear that he regretted meeting up with me again that last time.
Tons of online friends who got sick of me would tell me what an asshole I am.
I've had a stranger tell me I was an asshole once, and explain to me how her friends supposedly thought I was an asshole too, just from watching me at work a few times.
coworkers of course have told me things like that before also, have had people at work flip out about how much of a dick I was, because I didn't want to talk to them.
even my mom seems at her limits of dealing with me, and I do not blame her one bit.
I've had this problem weather I'm nice to people, act like myself, or just keep to myself, it doesn't matter.
I couldn't even buy a friendship, as proven by my offline friends, but also once bought a $300 bootleg (worthless) camera off a coworker to try and smooth things over, he still hated my
so instead of bothering more people, it's just best that I leave them all alone, and be alone.
and I'm fine with it, I don't like people anyway.
Truly and honestly, I can't stand to be around people, can't stand their smells, can't stand to look at them, listen to them and sure as hell don't like to be touched.
they can't stand me, I can't stand them.
sounds perfect if you ask me.
and I'm starting to not really care anymore.
I mean, what reason do I have to try and be friendly with people that will just get sick of me sooner or latter anyway?
This is why I like to close myself off into the world of 2D.
They don't care what type of personalty you have, they wont get bored of you or think you're annoying or an asshole or a faggot or whatever.
and places like this..
No getting to know people, holding direct conversations, any of that.
just a sea of comments, with some directed at others.
people always say how no one wants to be alone, how lonely it is and all that crap.
but you know, some people really can't stand to be around people.
they wont believe it, but It's not always a cry for help, people actually can mean it.