When I had to move cities at around age 13. The school I went to was horrible and I was ostracized for being an outsider. Even the most pathetic kids didn't want anything to do with me.

Then the school got social workers to come to my house every day and bother me with questions because I was apparently depressed.

It's probably not the worst, but one day I was merrily browsing my favorite board on the internet when someone started a thread using a low-quality image he had saved from tumblr. It was pretty frightening.

Middle school.

>>8017

Middle school is when you realise that people can be really horrible to each other.

From kindergarten until the start of high school. Most of the other kids had gone to a different high school, and being ignored by everyone was preferable to how I was used to being treated. A spectacled fat kid with grandiose ideas of going somewhere in life with this paltry public education was too easy a target for the other students.

Middle School, yeah. It was a horrible time where I was confused for the longest amount.

6th grade was easily the one of the shittiest years of my life, and I've had some shitty years.

Middle school as a whole was kinda bad, yeah, but specifically 6th grade.

I didn't suffer much from it, but this moment lead to a lot of my suffering: right after high school, my mom had some stressed induced mental issues and it culminated in her wanting to kill my dad and herself when she found out he was cheating. I was the only one home, so only I witnessed most of what she said, and she has repressed the memory. She bashed her hand against a window in anger and cut herself, and bled all over me while weeping and telling me to take care of everyone when she was gone. It made me rethink my whole life, and now I feel like I harbor a great secret and somehow I feel like that makes me a monster. I know this secret is meaningless and this is all stupid, but I can't escape the thoughts, they are natural to me now. I have been living alone ever since, and I only leave to work long enough to pay my bills. I am too afraid of crowds to even go to the grocery store unless it is the very last hour before closing.

Maybe this story is too depressing, but I wanted to tell someone. Its been four years now. Thank you for listening or even offering to listen.

My two best childhood friends, the people I was closest to at the time (one of them I had known since 2nd grade and had seen on a daily basis up to 5th grade), told me that they were sick of me and didn't want to be friends anymore. Then they started doing mean things to me, like stealing my things, spitting in my backpack, and generally trying to humiliate me. This was over a decade ago but I still think about it all the time.

Whenever I start thinking about going back to school I realize the paralysis I have facing it. I just can't do it. I need to do it in order to survive in the long run due to rising rents and higher competition in lower paying jobs, but the fact that school only guarantees debt increases my fear.

When my mom and dad seperated. I had to live with my mom for a month at a women's shelter and it blew. After that I moved to a new school and >>8014 this is what sort of happened to me.

Probably when I was at university. I've suffered a lot before that. Of course everybody goes through shit, and I sure as hell got my fair share. Sure I was beyond miserable and apathetic with suicide on my brain in my basement, but atleast I was alone. I could deal with that, even if not very well. I could hide. At university (long drive away from home) my shame and personality flaws were showcased to everyone I knew, and I was trapped.
At first, the whole thing seemed to go really well. For.. a couple of months actually. But I'm certain that my optimism was based on naivety. I don't think I've ever been so arrogant in my life, even if I didn't show it to others. I was really charismatic and sharp when it was going well. People said I was witty and really funny. I was able to just charm people. The first couple weeks were what is known as "frosh week", where everybody just drinks and parties and whatnot. So, that's what I did, with people from my floor, going out to different groups of people's houses to party with them. How did I make friends with the people on my floor? Honest to Haruhi I don't know. I just knew what to do, and more or less what seemed right. It astounded me. How that if I just even acted like I genuinely wanted to be friends with people, how they would just reciprocate. They wanted to be friends for the sake of being friends, to be social. I just don't operate that way. And yet, I operated that way. For awhile atleast. When frosh week ended and it was back to classes, and I casually saw people that I kind of knew multiple times a day.. These people, the people that I had expressed a supposedly genuine desire for friendship to. I just froze. This was a grey area. I didn't know for the life of me what to do. It was only after I left university that I realized that I never wanted to be friends with them in the first place. I was just worried about being liked. Or more accurately, not to be ridiculed, or something to that effect. I didn't care about them in the slightest. Everybody had shown me such warmth. Such kindness and acceptance. I had misplaced my wallet at a party and one of the senior students told everyone and said that if anybody saw it they would let me know. That doesn't sound like much but I felt a real sense of community going on. When we went to mcdonalds at 3 or 4 in the morning and I didn't have any money, the same guy bought me something. He said "None of the first years came out and just wanted to hang out with us. You're one of the cool ones." As time went on with the end of frosh week, it became increasingly obvious that I was too socially anxious to keep up these connections I had made. And that did play a role, but it was mostly that I didn't care. I lied to those people, got them to trust me, and just.. walked away. Passive aggressively dismissed them. I can't tell you all how much their awkward, hesitant expressions hurt me. Over and over for weeks whenever I saw any of them. It really took awhile to get over that. As much as it hurt, I was able to focus on the connections I did have, the ones being in my dorm..

I had managed to pull together a group of friends in my dorm, through the aid of pot, offbeat humour, video games and, well, their acceptance of me. I even got a nickname eventually. "Danger Dave". It really dawned on me after I dropped out of university that I only was friends with most of them because it was convenient, and I had no one else. I used them. In hindsight, I remember resenting every one of them at some point. Or just not being interested in them at all. When I was high though, that okay. I enjoyed being around them. A lot. But not sober. Luckily or unluckily I was high almost every day. Yeah, I was one of those little shits who goes to university on their parent's dime, does too many drugs and then drops out. I did somewhat heavier stuff, but pot was the big problem. Eventually the highs started being horrible, the anxiety, the incoherence, the paranoia.. It really fucked with me. I wonder if I sound like someone you hate yet. I wasn't dealing with my problems, thus starts the cycle of self hatred. In my defense, I wasn't ready for university anyway. I really didn't care for it (surprise?). I spent hours and hours and hours at the library, trying to read and absorb this information. It became so frustrating. I swear to Haruhi I tried, second semester especially. None of what I read stuck. The reason for this is that I simply didn't want to. I'm the kind of person that doesn't do anything that I: a)don't have to, b) don't want to, and c) find difficult. University was not the place for me.
My last month or two at university, I fell into a really bad depression. I eventually started hearing my dormmates say things along the line of "what the fuck is wrong with him". The depression lasted for quite awhile after. Things were looking really bleak. Probably the worst of my life, though it wasn't nearly as long as the others. What hurt for awhile after was that I assured and reassured them that I wanted to remain friends after I left. An analogy I came up with for my depression was that I was drowning, and I was clawing at anything and everything to stay afloat.
My classes for first semester went alright, the ones that I didn't pass I managed to drop. But I barely got by. I should've obviously taken this as a sign that something was wrong, and to seriously reconsider a second semester. But no, I had my head up my ass because I managed to acquire "friends". I said that I would get my shit together. My arrogance cost my parents a lot of money. I'm not sure how much, probably in the 1000s. Ugh, not to mention the money I got from my mom for pot and food. Hate me yet? Probably another couple hundred.
For my classes in second semester, what was really horrible was the awful, awful social awkwardness. My fundamental misunderstandings and blunders of how to interact with people. I could bullshit charm sometimes, but with regular academic life? I had never done that before. I can't explain in words what the awkward was like, but it was one of the worst feelings I have ever felt. I cried a lot and cut myself up a bit over it.
I dropped out middle of second semester. What happened after I dropped out? Silence, of course. Even after the depression, I didn't care about them. I wanted to go back to my life of solitude. That's what I knew and what I preferred. They were used as support and cast aside like.. trash. But really the trash is me. I'm the terrible person. And what's more is that I don't care now. I do however find solace in the fact that I can't control what I care about, though. I've more or less accepted myself for who I am. I am a cold person. I lack empathy. All those years rotting away alone in my basement really shaped me.
One of the worst things that happened was consciously figuring out that I have a failed, sham of a personality. I am such a superficial, uneducated person. I don't care to improve myself. I just want to play my computer games and pass time. I have, or had, a dream of making music. I was convinced that I could make something "divine". I'm not so sure anymore. I don't work to be good at it anymore. I'm not sure if I was ever really good. Of course I know that it takes effort to make something personalized and creative, but I always thought that your talent was guided, and each person has the ability to make something completely personalized and tailored to them. I'm not so sure that even if I worked hard, I would be able to make anything that I thought was great. This was.. one of the things that kept me sane rotting away in the basement. That I could just live alone and make beautiful music. I don't know if I can do that anymore.

Sorry if this was jumbled and hard to follow. I've never written a complete account of my time at university.

>>8045
This was interesting to read. And no, I don't hate you.

>>8053
Seconded.

Thirding or fourthing middle school here.

Public schools are prisons, let's bring back child labor. That'll mature 'em quick.

>>8057
Thirded - even because I've wasted much more of my parents' money, and much more callously than you.
As a matter of fact, as of right now they think I'm attending university, but I've already failed the entire semester and I've been going to cafés/bars/libraries every day and reading instead.
It's not the first time this is happening, either.

I'm also going with middle school. That was the worst time of my life. Everyone left me alone in elementary and high school.

Realizing how awesome life truly is and realizing at the same time that I will never be a part of it.

To be honest, I had no idea.

I guess the years after grade school have all been pretty much steady downhill.

Back when I quit WoW and realized I had nothing I just laid on my bed, looking at my arms closely and crying almost every day.

Nothing has really changed in the three years after that, though. I guess now is the most miserable time of my life.

Its always tomorrow. Today is a bad day, but it will be only worse tomorrow.

First year of college was a bummer. I had some idea that with a fresh start I'd become a normal. It didn't happen.

Middle school was awful. I lost absolutely all confidence in myself, felt like an idiot during this time period, and like I had no real future. Had no friends either, partly my own fault of course, I didn't much like the other losers that were into the distractions I was interested in. I escaped through video games, eventually picked up a WoW subscription. I didn't take it (WoW) too seriously, and actually did pretty well in high school (for a slacker, anyway). In fact I had a spectacular last two years and scored rather well on my college entrance exam. I figured I would have to go to a community college before transferring to a university, if I even got that far. Turned out I got into the university I dreamed of going to easily (not that it was especially prestigious, though it wasn't shit). Wasn't really sure how to take it, it was huge self-esteem boost, really too much at once. I ended up regretting wasting my time pitying myself, wishing I would have done more with my time. Well, I had a decent first semester, and then things went down hill. Entered into a deep depression that I'm not sure I'm quite out of and ended up dropping out after withdrawing into my room more and more over two semesters and forgetting (or trying to, anyway) about the outside world entirely at the end of it. Ended up going to the community college I expected I would have to go to after taking a semester off. Still really haven't gotten over dropping out of university, I really just blocked it out of my mind in order not to deal with the shame. I feel barren and apathetic most of the time now, but I'm trying to get some classes out of the way and plan on doing as much as possible as cheaply as possible at community college before applying for readmission. It has been going well so far.

tl;dr middle school and early university

middle school is where everyone realizes you are odd. It doesn't take much. Wear glasses, can't get over being awkward, look or act even slightly funny in some other way than lol fuck you man.

It doesn't get any better in high school or college despite what your family tells you. Really, this is the point where everyone starts to click off and Haruhi help you if you don't fit in. They pick up on that shit in short order and then make your life hell.

They just do this in order to be cool and compensate for the fact that they have no personality. Not one of their own anyway.

See this is where the avoident and often misanthropic feelings of those that browse here have come from.

I wish nothing but the worst for those that fucked with us in the past. I can't speak for us all but I sure as hell did not deserve what happened to me.

Cancer, slow death, all alone, that is what the people that effectively ruined my life deserve.

In elementary school most would play with me ;_;

Middle school is when kids are hitting puberty but don't have any maturity or life experience yet. Pretty much everyone acts like a douche at this stage. So I'm not surprised lots of people had negative experiences during that time.

Sometimes I wonder if people who could've led normal lives had the winds of fate change the trajectory of their development by the cruelty of other kids.

>>8130
>It doesn't get any better in high school or college despite what your family tells you.

It depends. You almost never hear of someone who enjoyed middle school, including bullies, but lots of people enjoy high school, and college is often regarded as "the best years of your life." I loved high school, and college is great.

>>8132
I imagine many here are jealous of you.

In all honesty, if you are having a good time in school how did you end up here? Not judging here. I am just curious why someone who isn't a social reject, hates people or what not, would come here.

I don't even want to talk about high school. I turn to anime to try and imagine it like how I desperately wanted, and escape how it actually went.

College was lame for me. I went to a vocational school. All men and all business. There were no parties or even really talking.

Despite that, I do take issue with the cool kids that go to college just to party, do drugs, and get laid. Those are horrible people, and they say it is the best years of their lives because that is all they have. Their glory days done gone by man.

>I loved high school, and college is great.

You're almost certainly in a minority here, giascle. I hated high school almost as much as I hated middle school. It was all pretty much the same shit to me. No friends, unable to relate to anyone, etc. College was better, but only because I wasn't forced into social situations. I jumped for a single dorm as soon as I could get one and buried myself in my studies. The only real escape I ever had at school was the academic kind.

>>8138
Is it better than not having glory days at all, or having to resort to young childhood for any positive memories?

>>8138
We are not all necessarily shut-ins for the same reasons.

>>8138
I'm here because I'm madly in love with Hinanawi Tenshi, and there are very few other sites with people who understand how I feel.

>>8139
>You're almost certainly in a minority here, giascle.
Never said I'm not.

Middle school. Actually, just school in general.

>>8155
I'm also here mainly for the waifu-friendly environment. And the general misanthropy.

Primary School was loneliness,
Middle School was violence,
High School was boredom and College is a feeling of worthlessness. I've always suffered.

The past few months have been pretty awful actually. Lately I've developed a real strong discomfort around my family, I've realised I don't have anyone to talk to. People in general are becoming a problem, all the complications in my life, all the stress, depression, anger is caused because of "people", and not just those around me. I guess it's accumulated over the years, but it's only just really hit me how alone I am in the world. It doesn't bother me much now though I guess.

Elementary school I read books I didn't even like, because I didn't want to sit there doing nothing since no one talked to me. I lived in a poor city at the time and every little kid wanted to be a thug or something.
Middle school I moved to a nice neighborhood, but I was too quiet, so I never made any friends again and just read books again during free time. I wasn't even picked on. I didn't have anything to be picked on for I guess, other than having no friends and being quiet.
High school was more of the same. This time there were even girls that approached me, but I was so socially deprived that I didn't know what to do on dates, so I declined them and gave excuses. Amazed nothing like "Anon is gay!" spread around; not even a peep. I started sleeping in class and doing the bare minimum to get the teachers off my back later on. There were two guys who I sat with in lunch sometimes, they didn't mind me, but they definitely didn't consider me anything more than a lunch acquaintance.
Now I'm in college doing the same things I always did. I do my work diligently, and then go home or browse the net at the back of the library. No one bothers me either, although I really wish someone would. All the nerdy and awkward looking people in my classes made friends even. They were approached and ended up adjusting to groups. I wonder why I was ignored by everyone. I dress cleanly, I don't act out, I'm not fat, the projects I've presented show that I could make a good teammate, I consider myself to have average looks, and always returns greetings as is proper.
Even the few times I've tried to make friends on the internet it's failed horribly. I've tried to get to know a few people, but they just push me away after I give it my all.
I wish I knew in what way I am deficient. What is wrong with me that makes me invisible?

Every small response shown towards me I have to cherish, because I really don't know when the next small ray will come from.
I swear I must be in some kind of TV show like that Jim Carey movie. A big fucking joke that everyone is in on but me.

Well, that's tough, OP. Probably when my "best friend" got me institutionalized and proceeded to fuck my young, beautiful wife steadily while she was confused about the sanctity of our relationship.

We divorced six years ago, I sold my house and all my earthly possessions except what was left of my mostly-pilfered record collection, my comics and manga, and my anime and figure collections. I moved into a room in my parents' house and haven't looked back.

Post edited on 1st Jan 2012, 8:43pm

>>8496
I wish I hadn't read that.
Now I won't be able to sleep with all this blind fury and hate built up inside me.
I HATE those kind of stories. I would have snapped and stabbed both of them to death if that happened to me.

>>8497
I'm sorry. I try not to talk about it but it's one of those things that is always in the back of my mind butthurting me.

I have very elaborate end-game revenge fantasies.

Post edited on 1st Jan 2012, 8:48pm

>>8495
Sounds like you don't make friends because you don't try to. Friendship requires input on both ends. If you only stick to yourself, people will think they would be bothering you if they approached you. You have to show interest and make small talk to start.

Sorry, not trying to play therapist. It just sounds like you could easily fix your lack of companionship (unless you are crippled by social anxiety now).

The point in my life with the most despair was probably a few years ago. As a child, I was raped but I always buried that away. After 15~ years I started to remember it, and it came back vividly. After that, I started to use lots of drugs and ultimately ended up doing heroin and other opiates. After a year of that they locked me up in a psychiatric hospital and I got sort of 'stabilized".

I haven't gone back to doing any of that, but I haven't really got any better. I've always been really fucked up I guess.

>>8502
I have a feeling that few people here give much of a shit about people.