I understand. My hypothesis is that people like us subconsciously self-sabotage in order to get free of other people's expectations.

>A lot of the time when I hear them speak, I get this venomous, bitter sort of disgusted hatred feeling which is hard to contain. It's the way they say things. Their attitude and typical responses and lies. Over protective mother. Father who is too tame.
Oh tohno-chan, you're the only place that truly understands me.

I feel somewhat the same.You are not alone.

I feel similar too, OP. In my worst days I get that bitter, venomous feeling when I hear anyone talk. I do legitimately like my parents, however. I guess I've just lowered my expectations of them and now see them as also-flawed people with their own strategies for coping with life and doing the best they can.
I don't think what you described qualifies as "using" people, though. People who actually take advantage of others do so much more selfishly and brazenly.

>I play my video games and I spend my time alone doing whatever, and then I go and find people when I get lonely. I guess that means I use people. Does this make me a bad person?

I can relate to this part at least. I don't think it makes you a bad person and I don't think it's using people (at least, not any more than anyone in a relationship with another person uses them). Some people simply need/desire a different level of friendship.

Though at the same time I know I'm capable of and can enjoy deeper levels of friendship, since I had some in high school, but I haven't been able to develop any in recent years.

As for the rest of it, it certainly isn't good to force yourself to be around people you don't even like. Not for you, and not for them. You should probably find some people you do like to talk to. You said you get lonely so that's a sign that you do like talking to people, you just need to find the right ones.

OP here. I think I'm going to commit suicide this summer. Anyway, just thought I should say that.

Your story sounds similar in some areas although different.

For me it's when I get too deep, or start to get too close, I become too involved and begin to long for something more... which is painful... so I start to block it all out.

I've realised that not having any friends and not trying to get close (or too deep) is much easier. Although I feel lonely at times, I've learned to live with loneliness and the outcome is much better. It's too much to keep friends or to get close. Too much effort that I can't give.

But I'm not suicidal. I was suicidal in the past but my father found me and restrained me when he saw me stabbing myself. He had to break my arms to stop me. I couldn't finish the deed.

After that I stopped thinking of suicide. I don't want to die any more. I just don't want to have that pain of longing for something you can never get.

I want to work. Working makes it all better.

>>2702

>I don't like to talk to them about things. A lot of the time when I hear them speak, I get this venomous, bitter sort of disgusted hatred feeling which is hard to contain. (...) Over protective mother. Father who is too tame. They are good people though, and I realize I am very fortunate to have a home like this, to be as privileged as I am. I feel bad for feeling this way

Same here, pretty much word for word (well, maybe switch 'tame' with 'apatethic').

So let's play a game, OP. Let's see who will hold out longer. Whoever commits suicide first loses. Just like that. It's a silly proposal, I know, but I want to try that. We can just post somewhere (or send an email or whatever) every 10 days or so. If the other party doesn't turn up for a week after the appointed date it's over. If we'll both manage to 'survive' until 2011 we can call it a tie.

How's it sound?

I can follow you quite well.
I'd enjoy a relationship though. All people I came across yet just cared too much about shit I can't comprehend the appeal of.

And I got a nice mom (she's smart). I'd prefer living alone though too.

OP, I think you and me are exactly the same.

What you explained in your post is exactly what I'm going through; and not to mention, I'm also wondering about committing suicide sometime this year.